New Girl (2011–2018): Season 3, Episode 2 - Nerd - full transcript

So I've been thinking a lot about it...

and I'd really like to start calling you
"shorty" in public.

By the way, my office is throwing a party
tomorrow, I'd like you to be there.

I have a photo shoot,
but I can come after.

[CELL PHONE CHIMES]

Yeah, well, that sounds good.

CECE: Who's that?
- Hm?

Heh. It's my doctor.

- Uh, Dr. Cover.
- Mm-hm.

Dr. Wyland Cover. He's my oncologist.

He's an oncologist.



You guys know anything about cats?

To score points with Daisy,
I promised to watch her cat.

They carry disease, are obsessed with my
nipples and are unwelcome in this loft.

Did you just say that cats
are obsessed with your nipples?

I've told you this story before.

[KITTENS MEOWING]

I think I would have remembered that story.

No cats.

Ugh! Come on, bangs,
you sons of bitches.

- Here, let me do them, Jess.
- What?

- Nick, Nick, stop. Stop, you're gonna ruin it.
- What?

I'm not gonna...
I was making them look prettier.

- You weren't.
- Then they look perfect as is.

- Can I ask you a question?
- We having this thing right now?



- Do I look okay?
- Do you look okay?

- Yeah.
- Hell, yeah.

- I want to put it on you.
- "On"? Put it on me?

Yeah, "on," I stand by that.

I'd like to put it on you.

What is wrong, Jess?

I've been at this new school for a week now
and I still haven't made any friends.

There's, like, a clique of teachers
and they run the school.

- You keep bumping me against the wall
- What?

- Yeah, I know I let you slide before
- Hey!

But until you seen me, trust me

You ain't seen bouncin' back

You keep bumping me against the wall

I just want them to like me.
I know it sounds dumb, but...

Leave it to me. I'll fix it. You're Nick
Miller's girl now. You're my old lady.

- What?
- Whatever you need, you got it.

Why are you talking
like a James Taylor song?

Hey, any of you guys
know anything about cats?

Oh, my God,
Schmidt has the greatest cat story.

NICK: It was disgusting.
WINSTON: Shut your mouth.

- I thought it was cute.
- Oh, grow up. Nothing came out.

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

[WINSTON GRUNTS THEN NICK WHISTLES]

You know what?
I've never actually seen you this happy.

- Who are you?
- Heh. I don't know.

- I've never seen you smile.
- Yeah.

This is the first time. It's not bad.

- I mean, it's not great.
- I agree. Somewhere in the middle.

- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Of course.

Hypothetically speaking, what if you met
somebody that you liked just as much as Jess?

- Stop, you picked Cece, so let Elizabeth go.
- Initially, I said hypothetically, so...

You know a place I can get cheap school
supplies? I only have 15 and a halfie.

- A halfie?
- Yeah, it's a half... It got ripped.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

No one's gonna accept that as currency.

- Hey. What's up, guys?
- I thought you pressed the button.

- I didn't press the button.
- What is wrong with you?

What did you do when you walked in?

- Talked to you.
- I'm gonna go pick up Daisy's cat.

You don't just ask anybody to take care
of your cat. That's serious.

So I decided I'm gonna go over there
and I'm gonna ask Daisy...

to be my girlfriend.
- You are?

- Wow!
- Yeah.

NICK: Yeah. Good stuff. Happy for you.
SCHMIDT: Major move. Look at you, man.

I'm gonna go over there
and I'm gonna tell Daisy:

"Listen, my heart is a two-man bike
and I want you in the rear."

- What do you think?
- Winston, don't say that.

You can say "the rear,"
you don't want her in your rear.

- Don't say "the rear" at any time.
- You're jealous.

- What?
- You guys are gonna steal my swag.

I wouldn't even know how to begin
to steal a swag.

[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]

- I thought you pressed the button.
- I've been way over here.

- You've missed the button twice.
- I'll press the button.

Last night, I rectified our budget...

while taking a long
soak in my new Jacuz.

My elbows are as soft as babies.

I love a soft elbow.
How about you bring that noise over here?

Good meeting. Great. Well...

[FACULTY SNICKERING]

[LAUGHING]

DAN: Foster's such a dork.
- He needs to get laid.

I got laid. Heh-heh-heh.

This morning.

From my boyfriend.

So coitus no one interruptus.

That... Because we finished, so...

Why are you talking to us?

- You have owl eyes.
- Yeah.

Hey. Trust me.

What's up, teachers?

Who wants free school supplies?

- What are you doing here?
- Point to the ones who don't like you.

I am fixing it for you.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Listen, why don't you guys come to my bar
later for free drinks? Teachers don't pay.

- We'll think about it.
- Okay, they'll think about it.

Bye.

- Oh, my God, that was genius.
- It's a no-brainer.

- No, that's an amazing move, sex partner.
- Sex part...

With the promotion, I got a new office.

So I don't have to look at Bethany's
mismanaged eyebrows all day. Like it?

It's a perfect two-thirds replica
of Don Draper's office from Mad Men.

And you're my sexy Peggy.

- Good God. At least shut the door.
- My tiny credenza is in the way.

Hey, Elizabeth, are you gonna be coming
to the party tomorrow night?

- Party? What party?
- The big office party.

Schmidt, did you not invite her?

I was just about to invite you to go.

Cool. It's a date.

- Bye, baby.
- Bye. Mwah. Mwah.

How dare you interfere
with my personal life, you crone.

I don't kick up a fuss when you massage
yourself with your yoga ball.

Oh! I'm sorry,
were you going to invite Cece?

Beth, please.
I'm in love with both of these women.

Do I feel bad about lying to them? Yes.
I'm a Sagittarius.

Congrats on your new office.
Gina gave birth on that carpet.

Consider this closed.

WINSTON:
Right, so, yeah. Um...

Um, so, Daisy,
what I was really trying to say...

[WATER RUNNING]

is, um...

- Is your shower running?
- I was about to take a shower.

- What's going on?
- Okay. Um...

Daisy, I think what we have is real.

And, uh, I want us to be exclusive.

Just you and me in the rear.

Yeah, that sounds great.

Awesome. Um...

Sorry. That's mine.

So Furguson gets his wet food in
the morning, dry food at night.

[WATER STOPS RUNNING]

[RUSTLING]

- Is somebody in there?
- No.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

No treats after midnight.

DAN:
"My name is Principal Foster.

And this is the Jacuz."

- Ha-ha-ha!
- "The Jacuz."

He's so nice, don't you think?

He's such a nice boss. Ahem.

[MOVING CASTLES' "WARHOL"
PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

[IN SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Y'all want some drinks?

- Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah.

DAN: Thank you. Thank you.
- Thank you.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]
What do you think? I think it's going well.

I just realized what's happening.

It's high school over there.
They're the cool kids and you're the nerd.

I was never a nerd.

[SINGING]
On western wings the fowls doth fly

On briny swells the fishes doth swim

Oh, like you were so cool.

Stall.

ALL [CHANTING]:
Nick! Nick! Nick! Nick!

ALL:
Oh!

- The Miller Sack Pack.
- The Miller Sack Pack?

They made shirts.

You know what? I'm not explaining
my coolness to you. I was cool.

Listen to me, you wanna be in with them?
Roll with the punches, go with the flow.

Make fun of your boss a little bit.

Don't follow your instincts.

I wouldn't sing,
but most importantly, follow my lead.

And by follow my lead, I mean drink.

And I mean drink a lot.

Drinking to be cool, Nick?
That's not a real thing.

That's the only thing in the world
I know to be true.

- Schools are for fools.
- They are.

Sometimes firemen are women.

- Sometimes. Sometimes.
WOMAN: Ow!

[MOANS]

Hey, there she is.

Old Toilet Pants.

The girl who bet herself $6
she could dance in a toilet bowl.

[SINGING]
I said hey, yeah, yeah, yeah

What's going on?

- I'm cool.
- You are cool.

But you still gotta go to work,
you're running late. Up and at them.

I gotta talk to you. I have a real problem.
Oh, my God, did you kill Jess?

No, she got really drunk last night
and she passed out.

Hey, guys.

- Are you crying, buddy?
- No. Hey, did he kill Jess?

- No.
- No, I didn't kill...

[MOANS]

Remember when I was so hung over
I almost missed my flight for Christmas?

- Ah, count it down.
- Three, two, one.

ALL [SINGING]:
I believe I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

I think about it every night and day

- Spread my wings and fly away
- No. No.

- I believe I can soar
- Soar

- I'm up. I'm up. That's beautiful.
NICK: She's awake.

- Where are my tights?
NICK: In the bathroom where you barfed.

JESS [SINGING]:
Spread my wings and fly

- Sounded good. What'd you do to her?
- Start the band.

Told her I thought drinking
would make her cool.

Are you a 14-year-old hockey player? You're
supposed to protect, not encourage her.

Okay, I am protecting her.
She's my old lady now.

- By turning her into you?
- I'm not...

Yeah, Daisy cheating on me.

Wait, we're using real honey?
It's so sticky.

Hey, babe, what a nice surprise.

I came to tell you that you can't come
with me to the party tonight.

They just told me that it's employees only.
No sig oths.

- Just say "significant others." - Maybe
you have time, I'm on a tight sched.

We're gonna go late here anyway,
so no worries.

All right. Shorty.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, bring in the bees.

[BEES BUZZING]

Wait, the bees are real too?
Oh, hell, no.

Nick, I need your help, okay?

Now, I am no plumber, but I'm 99 percent
sure that there was a guy in her bathroom.

She agreed to be exclusive with you...

while the guy she is sleeping with was
washing his size-15 dingdong in the shower.

- Now you're taking care of her cat.
- Those are the bullet points, yes.

You know what you gotta do
to get yourself out of this situation.

Break up with Daisy.

Yeah, I mean, you're making
some very good points.

Break up with Daisy, that's an option.
I was thinking, like, I'll kill her cat.

Winston.

Yeah, I'm gonna kill her cat first.

- Hey.
- I'm gonna kill you.

[GROWLS]

DAN:
Hey, it's Lil Toilet Pants.

- Hey. Toilet Pants.
- Toilet Pants.

- Please stop shouting.
- You are so awesome.

I wanna show you something.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh.

You're one of us now. You never
have to drink out of a paper cup again.

Fun mugs.

This one makes me look like I have a...

mustache.
- Mustache.

- Mustache.
- Mustache.

[WINSTON SIGHS]

NICK: What's up, Winston?
- Oh, hey, Nick.

I couldn't figure out
the best way to kill Furguson.

So I decided to just let him choose
how he wants to die.

If only I could get him to leave
that damn sunbeam.

- You're gonna murder a cat?
- Yeah.

This is a joke, right?
This is one of your pranks?

An eye for an eye, Nick.

- A cat for a cat.
- But what's the other cat?

My heart.

JESS: Where's that big flashlight
you can hit people with?

Do we have any meat pieces
that might distract a dog?

NICK:
Winston, don't do anything stupid.

- Jess, what are you doing?
JESS: Yeah, cool, cool, it's nothing.

We're breaking into Foster's backyard and
we are gonna put our butts in his Jacuzzi.

- Put your butts in his Jacuzzi?
- Isn't it awesome?

No, it's not awesome. It's a crime.

It's a very stupid crime, but it's a crime.

Do you have any costumes that might
make someone look like a bush?

- You are about to commit a felony.
- Oh, my God, Nick. You said roll with it.

You're not the kind of person to break into
the principal's house and get away with it.

You're the kind of person who gets caught and
it ends up on the Internet in a funny way.

[GASPS]

- My God, that is the cutest cat.
- Uh, don't get attached.

Okay, both of you, knock it off.

Winston!

JESS:
Look, Nick, you're right.

I'm a nerd, I've never fit it.

If I met you in high school,
you never would've even noticed me.

That's because I didn't go to class.
I wouldn't have seen you.

- It's stupid, but I'm doing this.
- I'm not letting you.

- You're not letting me?
- No.

If for some reason
I don't come back tonight...

I?ll be at the Appleton Suites under the
name Suzuki Sinclair. Ask for Charles.

- We're not done with this conversation.
JESS: We are done.

NICK: Where are you going?
JESS: I'm getting a flashlight.

- Winston, Winston.
- Good way to go.

Don't hurt that cat.

WINSTON:
Hey, Furguson.

- Furguson.
- Don't do this.

WINSTON: Furguson.
NICK: Winston.

WINSTON: Furguson.
NICK: Winston.

Winston, stop. Would you stop?

Don't do that scary walk.

Do not do that scary walk
that you do that scares me.

Hey, Jess. Jess. Je...

Winston. Don't kill that cat.

I don't know what to do!

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

- Oh, good Lord.
- What's wrong?

You know what? Let me show you the stairwell,
where they got the idea for the escalator.

Shorty. My love. My only love.

- I'm sorry, I quit that job and I had to see you.
- How emotional.

Let's talk in private in my perfect
two-thirds replica of Don Draper's office.

You stay here. I'm gonna get you a drink.

No, no, no, please, you stay here.

- So they're both here.
- Oh, God, what?

The gas has been spilled.
All we need is a match.

- What are you, narrating a book?
- Boom.

[FURGUSON MEOWS]

Here it comes.

The long nap.

[MEOWS]

Oh, wow. Tell you what, man, we both
need to just cool off and have a drink.

You smoke? I'm just kidding.

But, man, that'd be cute if you did.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, Furguson.

So listen, I've been dreaming
about this fantasy.

I think this party
might be the perfect place to try it.

- Okay, but I can't get wet.
- No water.

So listen, you and I
are gonna be sexy strangers, yeah?

Now, your stranger is the early-to-bed
type. Your job has you on Hong Kong time.

But the most important thing is,
you're the first person to leave the party.

Ooh. I like.

- Wait, is that Cece?
- Is that who?

Huh? No. Cece, no.

No, Schmidt, that's definitely Cece.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

Sorry, in between modeling jobs,
she does catering.

You mind if I go over and say hello?
I think it's only right.

Eh...

- Hey.
- I know you told me to stay in the office...

but Beth insisted I...
- Stay away from that woman.

She's patient zero for spreading HPV.

- Here, put on this apron.
- Why would I do that? That's crazy.

SCHMIDT: My boss was asking,
so I told her you were a caterer.

So just... It's a good idea.

- Okay.
SCHMIDT: Just... Yes.

- You really want me here, don't you?
- So badly.

Can we just come back
when we have a plan?

- Are you afraid?
- No, I'm not afraid.

- Rose, give me a boost.
- Here's Rose. I got you.

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

ROSE:
Gotta help me a little.

That's a hell of a grip, Rose.

I see the Jacuzzi. Aah!

Didn't stick the landing.

You're doing great.

I'm gonna do a loop to
not attract suspicion.

- All right.
- All right.

Schmidt, I'm right here.

Oh.

- Do I know you?
- Right.

[WHISPERS] The fantasy.

[YAWNING] Boy, I gotta go.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I have a 5 a.m.
Conference call with the Asians.

Are you leaving soon, stranger?

You mean corporal? And no, I'm gonna
stick around and throw down one more beer.

Sweet.

Oh. Hey, don't tell me you're leaving.

Whew. Great news. My boss is in her office
completely passed out.

- We have the night to ourselves.
CECE: Thank God.

It was getting a little weird here, right?
Dressed up like this. Heh-heh.

[SCHMIDT SIGHS]

Is that Elizabeth?

Okay, look, Cece,
I gotta tell you something.

Does Elizabeth work here?

Yes.

- Hey.
- We were just talking about you.

The food was good.

- Yeah, I was thinking of taking some home.
- You deserve it.

Okay, well, I'm heading off.

The Asian markets wait for no one.

Wow. She was ice-cold to you.

I'm gonna go get a drink. Heh.

What a night.

JESS: I got this.
DAN: Open the damn gate.

Jess, hey, don't move, I'm coming over.
Rose, move.

- Jess, hey, I'm coming.
ROSE: I got you.

Hey, Rose, ease up on the throttle.
Those are my precious goods.

- Did you follow me here?
- Here I come!

- Unh! Ah.
- Nick.

Hey. Hey, Jess. Jess, hey.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry I tried to stick my nose in this,
I just...

I just...
I came here because I'm your old man now.

And if you're going to do something
that's obviously very stupid...

then I'm gonna do it with you.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

JESS: Ow!
- What's going on out here? Who are you?

No, I used to live here. I was just
doing a visit around the neighborhood.

- That's my old bedroom right there.
- That's a bathroom.

To you, maybe it is.

But to me and my four brothers,
that's a home.

Nick. Nick, I can't let you do this.
Mostly because you're so bad at it.

- Is that you, Miss Day?
JESS: Yes, it is.

I'm so sorry.
I trespassed on your property...

and I would not be surprised
if you fired me.

I think I know what's really going on here.

You heard about my new Jacuz.

Open up your morning light

And you wanted a taste. Ah.

You know that if we are to stay alive

Come on in, kids, the water's hot. Whoo!

Ah...

Hey. Thanks for watching him.

He can be a real pain in the ass, huh?

Yeah. Was there a dude
in your shower yesterday?

- Yes.
- Hm.

- How do you know him?
- From sex.

But it was from sex
before you and I were exclusive.

- Have you had sex with him since?
- No.

Oh, wait. Yes, last night.

Look, um, I really liked you, Daisy.

I wanted this to be a thing,
but, uh, I deserve better.

- And so does Furguson.
- Mm?

[FURGUSON MEOWS]

I'm keeping the cat.

I got your cat.

[BETH CLAPPING]

Well, Schmidt, you win.

They both really love you.

So enjoy your office.

- Hey, Toilet Pants.
DAN: Oh!

MOLLY:
Toilet Pants.

Thanks for taking the bullet for us.

- How long were you stuck in that Jacuzzi for?
- I don't really wanna talk about it.

But, um, at one point, he did grab my foot
with his toes like it was a hand.

What are you doing tonight?

Because we got a liquid form of Ecstasy and
we're gonna grade papers together. What?

I would love to, but I actually think I'm
gonna hang out with my old man. Heh-heh.

That's weird.

- Cool. Weirdo.
- See you.

[CHUCKLES]

Hi.

I hear you're interested
in joining the Sack Pack.

I might be.

Then perhaps this will wet your whistle
of what's fun about being a member.

- Just leave it.
- Yeah.

You are terrible at hacky sack.

I think I'm retiring.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Hey, I just wanna say
I would've noticed you.

[CHUCKLING]

- You wanna do it in the teachers' lounge?
- Yes.

You do? I'm gonna do it with a teacher.

Shh.

Mm. Mm.

Okay, something is definitely coming out.

[CHUCKLES]

I think we should go.

[SCHMIDT CHUCKLES]

[FURGUSON PURRING AND LAPPING]