New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 25 - Elaine's Big Day - full transcript

Hey, guys! Hurry up!

I'm the maid of honor and
I have to be there early

and I wanna get a
picture in before we go.

Miami Vice called and I'm not sure...
I don't know how to finish that joke.

- What?
- Ah, it's a crap joke, scratch it.

Winston, please. Your
belly is on my hip.

- Dad, can you come and take our picture?
- All right.

Having a little trouble getting
off this air mattress.

Oh, here we go.

And we... okay.
I'm off, I'm off.

Here... where is it? All
right, give me this.



Let's do this.

Okay, you ready?

Scrunch together. There we go.

No...

- uh, Rick, move one step to your right.
- Me?

Yes, one step to your right.

One more step to your right.

- I can't go much further.
- One more step to your right.

Until you get into the hallway,

- and then, once you get in the hallway...
- No, I see what you're doing, dude. - Dad,

- Very funny, buddy. - dad, we have to go...
- ...go directly to the Chinatown trash can

- where you got that suit. - There's nothing wrong
with this suit. - Dad, we need to take the picture.

I wore this at my
high school graduation.

- Nick, you're not doing yourself any favors.
- I look very handsome. I look like I'm on Miami Vice.



- Should I take the picture?
- No, I'm not doing this.

- He's getting on me about the suit.
- You're ruining the picture. - Okay.

I'm not doing it. I'm out of here.

- Stop. Where are you going?
- Was gonna do my cool poses.

You ready? One, two...

d Who's that girl?
d Who's that girl? d

d Who's that girl?
d Who's that girl? d

d It's Jess.

2x25
Elaine's Big Day

- You changed.
- Check it out.

Schmidt gave me his worst suit.

He said, if I could get it over
my thighs, he didn't want it.

Miami Vice called, and
this time, I answered.

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

I hope you're not doing all this
'cause of what my dad said.

I don't think you're an
unemployable alcoholic bummer.

- What?
- No, I don't think you're a child.

- Whoa, when did he say that?
- Hmm?

- What?
- Bob said that about me?

Anyway, the point is...

I don't think you're
any of those things.

We're at a wedding together.

It's nice, right?
You look great.

Thanks. So do you.

- I'm gonna go find Cece.
- Yeah.

All right, I guess
we're doing that.

There are so many fun,
cool traditions at this thing.

The groom comes in
on a white horse.

So, basically, they're just
copying my Bar Mitzvah.

Oh, my goodness.

That is Bucky the Badger,
Wisconsin's mascot.

Yeah, I got a sweatshirt
with his face on it,

and he's wearing a sweatshirt
with his face on it.

Bucky cool. Bucky!

He's got a super weird
thing with badgers.

Is that a real badger?

Hey, the ceremony lasts
for three hours,

so you better go pee now.
You know, your weak bladder.

- You remembered.
- Of course I did.

Now I have to pee. Every time
you say "pee," I have to pee.

Thank you for coming.

- Go pee. Okay.
- I'm gonna.

It's okay to be nervous.

But nothing can go wrong.

All you have to do
is go out there,

get married, and I will
do the rest, okay?

Schmidt!

Get out.

Well, this certainly
isn't the bathroom.

Get out. Get out.

Guys, guys, shut up
and listen to me-- it's Cece.

- She doesn't want to get married.
- Damn. - What happened?

Well, her exact words were: "I
don't want to marry Shivrang,

"but my whole family has flown out here
from all the way across the world.

I can't back out now. Please, Schmidt,
as my closest friend, help me."

- What did Jess say?
- Well, Jess didn't hear it--

Cece told me with her eyes.

- Oh, so nothing happened. - Cool, so she's
marrying Shivrang. - No, guys, I know Cece--

- I know her looks.
- Schmidt, what were you doing back there?

Cece's backing out
of the wedding.

- What?
- It's true. She told me.

- With her eyes.
- Oh, my God.

I thought you were talking
about something real. Schmidt.

The wedding's
happening-- let her go.

I have let her go. I'm with
Elizabeth now and she's amazing.

Look, Jess, I'm telling you this
as Cece's friend and nothing more.

Cece loves Shivrang--
I know that

'cause I know her
better than you do.

False. When you've had
sexual congress with someone

and you've peered into their soul at
the exact moment of fulfillment...

- Ew.
- No, no, hear him out.

Schmidt, listen up
and listen good.

You are not to talk to Cece,
you are not to look at Cece,

and you are not to have
eye conversations with her.

Or I will bust you.

Hard.

- And later, I'm gonna bust you hard.
- Yeah, you are.

Good night, nurse.
I've been naughty.

Sorry, I didn't know--
you guys were supposed...

not supposed to hear that, so...

Bros ever before the ho.

- Anybody have a jar?
- I'm sorry, okay?

But we have to
sabotage this wedding.

- Winston?
- No, guys, look,

you always bring me into
these situations, and

I get in over my head
because I love pranks.

I really do.
I mean, you know that.

- Yeah. - But look, it's time
for me to just face the facts

that I'm no good at them.

You know, I'm 31 now, and it's
time for me to cut the nonsense.

You're 100% right, man,
but just, I don't know...

what about today, just today...

you give me full-on crazy?

- Yeah!
- You listen here!

- Hey, hey, hey. Nobody's doing anything!
- Yeah! - What?

- What?
- Jess asked us not to,

so we are going to enjoy
Cece's wedding like adults.

So good night, nurse.

Sorry for saying that.

I am all...

I'm all turned around.

- We sabotaging this thing or what?
- Absolutely.

Hello, Auntie.

This is embarrassing.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me, Elizabeth.
Can I talk business?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

- I want you to call it off.
- What?

Whatever you're planning
on doing, don't do it.

- This wedding means a lot to Jess.
- What are you doing?

What has happened to you?

- You changed your suit, you're carrying
her purse. - Yeah, I am.

You're wearing deodorant

- under both arms...
- Both arms, yeah.

Why are you trying so hard, man?
Either Jess wants the real you or...

or she don't.

The real Nick would help
me sabo this wedding.

Is "sabo" short
for sabotage, Schmidt?

Why would you...?

- I mean, why would you even say that?
- I knew it was. I was being mean.

- I was bullying you to get dominance in this moment.
- You know it... of course you know... you know it is.

- I want you to call it off.
- You know it's...

- You know "sabo" is short for sabot... sabotage.
- I know... I know... Hey, skin it and call it off.

- You got it, man.
- Thanks, man.

- I'll call it off. No problem, Nicholas.
- Thank you, buddy. I appreciate that.

- Thank you.
- Now.

Now?

Shivrang, hold on!

Ow, my testicles!

Don't get on the highway!

Just reared up and just
took off...

I'm scared that it might have
damaged me. - MAN: No, no, no, no damage.

Are you enjoying the wedding
festivities, Schmidt?

What a spunky horse.

I know you're responsible
for the horse thing.

- Was I?
- Yes.

- Was I?
- Yes.

- Was...?
- Yes.

- Was...?
- Yes.

- Was I?
- Yes.

Was I?

Schmidt.

: d If it hadn't
been for Cotton-Eyed Joe d

d I'd been married
a long time ago d

d Where did you come from,
where did you go? d

d Where did you come
from, Cotton-Eyed Joe? d

d If it hadn't been
for Cotton-Eyed Joe... d

It's okay. Who are
you working with?

d Where did you come from?
d Where did you go?

d Where did you come from...

Cotton-Eyed...

Joe.

d Where did you come from,
where did you go? d

Winston, no!
Don't do this.

What's done is done, Nicholas.

- Turn it off! - I couldn't
stop it even if I wanted to.

Turn it off!

- Nick!
- Pranks!

- Wrong way!
- What... What did you...

Of course!

Of course you were
scheming with Schmidt.

Jess, I didn't do anything.

You think that Schmidt and
Winston would be smart enough

to duct-tape the sound board?

That's brilliant!

Plus, we both know
that this is your CD.

d Where did you come from,
where did you go? d

d Where did you
come from, Cotton-Eyed Joe? d

Why did you need me for this?

Nick?

Winston must have taken
that out of my car.

How gullible do you think I am?
You're fist-pumping right now.

- No, I'm not fist-pumping.
- Yes, you are.

Aah!

- It's so freaking catchy.
- I thought I could count on you.

- I thought things would be different now.
- How could you think I would do this

- at your best friend's wedding?
- Because it's exactly

the type of thing that you do.

- A stupid, childish prank.
- Oh, childish?

You're right.

I'm a child.

- Great sabo, man!
- I'm so good at pranks, man.

- I feel alive.
- Really good...

Phase three.

What's phase three?
Whatever it is, I'm in.

Let's do this.

- Uh, hey, Jess?
- Hmm?

- We went too far.
- What?

- It's bad.
- How bad?

It's really bad.

Schmidt...

- What did you do?
- It was Winston's idea.

Oh, my God.

I'm really sorry, okay? I didn't want
anybody to get hurt, but it's too late now.

- It's bigger than all of us.
- Tell me everything.

Or, so help me God,
I will mess up your hair.

Your precious hair.

- Winston's in the...
- What?

- Winston's in...
- What? Say it louder. Say it louder.

Winston is in the air
ducts with a badger.

- What?!
- Nick's there, too.

Ah, Nick.

You've never gone along
with one of my pranks before.

This is exciting.

I never noticed, but you kind of
have a girl butt. Is that weird to say?

This priest is never
gonna know what hit him.

Wait, that is the plan?

You're gonna drop a badger
on a priest?

: Oh! He's mad.

That can't be the plan, man!

- What did you do? What did you do? What did you do?
- I deserve this. I deserve this. I deserve this, okay?

It's just, when Nick
got involved, it became too big.

What? What do you mean,
"when Nick got involved"?

- He wasn't always involved?
- No. He said no.

He said, "Jess means too much to
me," or some crapola like that.

- What are you doing?
- Calling Nick.

Jess, he's in the ducts!

The ducts!

- Beautiful ceremony.
- Happy day.

- The ducts!
- I know where he is, Schmidt.

- What? No, no.
- That's my phone.

- I said no phones.
- I know. I'm gonna get it.

They can track us with phones.

What is going...? Relax.
You're so weird with pranks.

- What is going on with you?
- Put the phone away!

I'm trying to! I'm trying
to turn it off, you idiot!

Oh... no.

- What's going on?
- Uh...

Bucky got out of his cage, man.

- No! No! I'm getting out of here!
- Let's go get him. No, you're coming with me.

You got to help me find the badger, Nick!

- You don't be no bitch!
- I want out of this place!

Bucky!

God bless both of you.

May he shower you
with many, many children.

Ugh, he's not picking up.

- Of course he's not picking up.
He's in the... - Don't say it.

: ...ducts.

He's in the ducts.

Nick, stop
being a bitch! Don't be no bitch!

Bucky!

- I'm going up there.
- Okay, good.

'Cause I really don't want
to go up there. Look,

I'm the kind of guy that likes to enjoy
the AC, not see how the sausage is made.

Seriously, Schmidt?
Shut up and give me a boost.

Bucky...

Aah.

- Winston!
- Nick, where are you?

- Marco...
- Polo!

I don't want to play that.

- No!
Nick, it's me!

Nick, it's me!

Jess, what are you doing here?

Look, I-I know you didn't
plan the sabotage,

and I know you're doing this just to get
back at me, but please don't do this.

Jess, it's not about
the sabotage, okay?

It's about the fact that you think I'm
gonna screw up everything I touch.

- No, Nick, I don't.
- You know what, Jess?

This is where I belong.

With Winston and a badger.

All right, Nick, look, let's just go
get the badger and get out of here.

Can't get the badger
because it's loose.

What?!

Hey, Jess, welcome, welcome.

No! Jess!

You know, I'm just staying
positive, but, uh...

- I'm pretty sure this is where we die.
- Winston!

When you complete
the seven circles,

you will be officially married.

You don't have to walk
so fast, you know.

Guys?

Guys, you know...

I've been thinking
a lot about the Earth.

We got to leave it better
than when we found it.

- Is this what you wanted
your life to be? -

Is this how you wanted to enjoy
your best friend's wedding?

Nick, look, no.
Stop that.

- I am not a healthy person.
- Yeah, I know. I know, Nick.

Oh, you do?

- So a part of you agrees with your dad.
- No.

- Just... oh, my...
- Okay. We got to get out of here.

...lovely ceremony with
all your family and friends.

Tell me that there isn't
a small part of you

that's scared that
I'm too much of a mess.

- We have to go.
- That this thing is a mistake.

You and me.

Just admit it, Jess.

Yes, there is a small part.

Yeah.

But...

Run!

Oh, my...

- It's okay.
- Jess?

Always a bridesmaid...

Aah! Something touched my leg!

You know, sometimes I feel like I
never really felt love, you know?

Do you know?

Hey! Hey, hey, everybody.

Hi. Hi. I'm Jessica Day. I'm
the, uh, maid of honor.

I'm also the person who fell through the
roof with my friend Nick Miller here.

Um, I have a few things to say.

Um, there might be a badger on the
loose, but I have my best people on it.

I'm on it.
Don't scare the badger!

- Schmidty, help me!
- Okay!

- Funnel it into the mandap!
- Okay.

Hey, guys.
He's in the ninth row.

He is headed north.

Where were we? Um, Your Honor,
please tell us where we were.

We were on the seventh circle.

So close.

Great. Cece, go.

- Jess, you don't have to fix this.
- Fix what?

This is a perfect day.

I'm sorry, everyone,
but I can't do this.

And it's not
because of the horse.

Or the badger.

Or "Cotton-Eyed Joe."

This isn't what I want.

What I want is to be
with someone else.

Shivrang, I feel
terrible. I'm sorry.

No...

No, Cece, it is okay.

In fact, it's more than okay.

I don't know why I didn't tell
you the truth ages ago, but...

but I want to be
with someone else, too.

- Really?
- Yes.

I have tried to forget you,
Elaine-- really, I have--

- but I just can't.
- Who the hell is Elaine?

And I don't care
what my family says.

I want to marry you
in a Presbyterian church.

Oh, Shivvy.

I've loved you
since the first grade.

And I'm so lonely without you. I just lay
awake at night, and I just write about you

in my journal, and I paint
pictures of you on my easel.

I want our children to
be photographers and...

and backpack across Europe.

Will you take me away
from this madness?

And you are not too short for me. I
don't care what your mother says.

Oh, Elaine!

Come!

Let's go to Vegas and elope!

I feel slightly rejected.

Well...

- you were slightly rejected.
- Yeah.

You okay?

Well, I'm not as
good as Elaine.

Who could be?

I feel better than I've
felt in a long time.

Good. I'm glad.

Boobies.

I don't think the badger's
actually rabid. I think, um...

he's just kind of a dick. So...

Hey, Nick.

- You okay?
- Me? Yeah.

You mean from the fall?

Yeah. And...

- what we talked about.
- Yeah. Look, Jess, it's not...

you know, that big of a deal.

And we tried.
It's just...

You might be right about your
fears, you know, it's...

Just...

just say it.

I-I think we should
call it, you know?

It's not like we're
in love or anything.

We had one night.

Okay, let's call it.

I think that feels good to me.

Does that feel good to you?

But you must
have feelings for her.

You tried to
sabotage her wedding.

I sabotaged her
wedding as a friend.

I didn't want her to
marry someone else

as a friend.

It's only mantic
because it's a wedding.

I would be just as happy
to sabotage, I don't know...

- let's say, her tax audit.
- Schmidt.

Weird day, huh?

It's a beautiful wedding, Cece.

- Thank you.
- It was Schmidt

that you were
talking about, right?

It was.

I'm-I'm sorry, Elizabeth.

Don't be sorry. It's not your problem.
It's Schmidt's.

- Why is it... Why is it my problem?
- Who's it gonna be?

Me or her?

No, she's right.

- You have to choose.
- We're gonna do this now?

But can... can we sleep on it,
maybe? Maybe take the night?

I've got...

I just got this brand-new Coldplay bootleg.
Live from Rotterdam.

What if we just make some pasta
and really listen to it?

Are you in love with her
or are you in love with me?

You have to decide.

Can I get a beer?

- Heisler?
- Perfect.

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

Bucky bit me.

- Bit me bad.
- Hmm.

Yeah. So, um...

so I'm pretty dizzy.

Okay.

Okay, what happened with Jess?

We called it.

And she left.

Yeah, we-we called it off.

So, now I'm gonna drink,
because that's my move.

Yeah. That was also
your dad's move.

Yeah, when things get
messy, you just run away.

But, you know, there
are other moves.

Go.

Thanks, man.

Hey, bartender, can you
call an ambulance?

I'm about to bleed out.

Thanks, man.

Look, I know you think
we should call it,

but I don't want
to give up on this,

even if we don't
know what this is.

I want to un-call it.

Please, can we un-call it?

Before you say no...

Don't say no.

d Down, down in my bones...

Hey, give me the keys.

- Where are we going?
- I don't know.

Where did we come from?

Where do we go?

- Where did we come from?
- Shut up.

Yeah, that was
"Cotton-Eyed Joe," wasn't it?

d You talk to me...

I felt like something
was gonna happen.

- Let's go!
- Let's go!

d So let's go to bed

d Before you say
something real... d

Turn left.

- No, I'm going to make three rights.
- No, Nick, just turn left!

No, it's slower my way.

Why would you
want to go slower?

d 'Cause it's you

d Oh, it's always you

Sync and corrections by Norther