New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 9 - Eggs - full transcript

To my dear friends,
Melissa and Sadie.

- Aw.
- Five years together.

- That is awesome.
- Hear, hear.

- What is your secret?
- I don't really think there is

a secret. I think
it's just about...

love, understanding, and...

two sets of boobs.

I love boobs.
I love 'em.

- I love... - Okay
- ...everything about 'em. - Yeah, I do, too.

All different kinds.

Yeah, that's my thing too.



I love them.

And the Curiosity Rover has touched down

- on the planet of Mars.
- What's happening right now?

What's happening
in there?

Schmidt's in there

with his boss.

He's entertaining her.

Ew.

I don't care what he does.

I just don't understand
why he has to narrate it!

Robot arm engaged!

It's just engaged now?

So he's saying
everything up to this point

has been foreplay?



Are you kidding me?
That's ridiculous.

What are you gonna do
for 20 minutes

of foreplay?

Boring! Yawn!

Am I right, ladies?

So, I actually know
what's about to happen next.

- You will all want to cover your ears.
- I found water!

- No, I didn't do it in time.
- Oh, he found...

Has anybody seen a movie
in the last five months,

and can you describe the plot
in great detail and loudly?

- Okay, you're dry.
- Actually, I'm good. Thank you.

Come on. I spent six dollars
on this wine.

I've been looking for the right
time to tell you tonight,

but Melissa and I are so excited

because... Wow.

That is so upsetting.

What mission is this based on?!

I'm pregnant!
We are pregnant!

Wha...?

Lesbian baby.
Congratulations, you guys.

* Who's that girl? *

* Who's that girl? *
* It's Jess. *

I feel so lucky,
you know?

Like I really tucked this
one in just under the wire.

What do you mean?
You're so young.

As your friendly
neighborhood gynecologist,

you should know that by
the time a lady hits 30,

she loses about
90% of her eggs.

- What?
No, th-that

- can't be true.
- What?

Did you know
that there's a test

that you can take
that tells you how many beans

- you got left in your bean sack?
- Ovaries.

It estimates
basically

how many childbearing
years you have left.

Yeah, get this baloney:

I'm 32, but my eggs are 48,

and my vagina is 97.

- I am so uncomfortable.
- But it gets

better with age... it's like

- the vagina Helen Mirren.
- Oh, boy.

I've got big plans
for the centennial.

When can I take that test?

Who cares?

Personally, I'm still on

the please-God-I-hope-
I'm-not-pregnant phase.

- What am I doing here?
- You know, just

clinically speaking,
it's probably

- a good idea to know.
- I want

to take this test! Like, now.

Can we take this test right now?

Morning, ladies.

And Nick.

- Morning?
- Well, I mean, I work

nights now, so I'm

on an adjusted
sleeping schedule.

I just woke up,
here's my breakfast,

I'm going to work.

Take me with you! They're
talking about vaginas!

I hate it! Take
me with you!

Our bodies really
made something.

I feel like we brought
manufacturing jobs

- back to America.
- Yeah,

it was fine.

What do you mean "fine"?

I broke your brain, girl.

How do I put this delicately?

I was...

nowhere close to finishing.

I was bored.

And cold.

That's cool. Uh...

No, yeah.

World shattered.

We'll try again.
It'll be better.

The world I once lived in...
shattered.

All right, see you at work.

See you at work.

Put me on the air.
I got something to say

about Andrew Bynum's hair.

All right, caller,
you're up next.

Look at you, man. This is great.

You're the king
of your own castle.

Look at this. What is this?

Why do you need so many pens,
you big shot?

I like what I do, man.
I finally feel like my life

is moving
in the right direction.

That is what I don't have

in my life.

But not anymore.

I'm gonna take
one of these pens,

I'm gonna go home,

and I'm gonna write
my zombie novel.

You don't think
I can do it, do you?

You know, it's not that.
It's just that sometimes

I get the feeling that you...

don't want to write.

No more excuses.
I'm gonna go home,

and I'm gonna write that novel.

And I'll be the
first to read it.

- We got a deal, friend.
- Deal.

Yeah, you still
have me on the line.

My two cents? He's never gonna
write that book.

- Why don't you shut up,
Manny from Cerritos?- Okay.

- Who asked you?
Hang up the phone.- All right.

We should go.

Melissa's been drinking for two.

Three.

Awesome night, ladies.

- Educational. Thank you.
- Sorry. I'm just...

- Okay. I'm sorry.
- What?

Sadie, before you leave, can I
just ask you a few questions?

I know where this is going.

You are a gynecologist

and a lesbian,

which makes you...

well, a va-genius.

- Jar.
- I know

my way around a Grizzly Adams.

You, too? Jar.

- Wh...
- As an adult male,

I would like to ask you a few

questions about,
you know,

the downstairs girl cookie.

Jars, jars, all around jars!

This is my personal time
right now.

You can make an appointment
at my office,

pay your $40 co-pay.

I will be happy
to answer your questions.

Yes! I'm in. Please.

Now, would I have to put
my legs up in the stirrups?

- Why would you?
- I'm asking more so out of curiosity

- than fear. #excitement.
- Are you done?

I'm done. I'll see you, okay?

- I'm gonna call the office.
- Okay.

Well, thank you, guys,
for the...

awesome drunky

- thing and the weirdly sobering end.
- Look,

I know Sadie freaked you out
with all this talk about tests,

but I just want
to remind you

that at the end of the day,

it's all about love.

I mean, I love Sadie.

I want

my babies to have
her beautiful face.

As long as they don't get
her big, fat man-feet.

Yuck. Fingers crossed
we go donor on that one.

Okay.

- Let's make a graceful exit, my love.
- Okay.

Hey, get out of here,

you crazy lesbos,

with your baby-making!

- Ooh!
- Whoo!

Ah! I'm married;
I'm not dead!

See you. Night.

Drive safely.

90% of our eggs, huh?

That's crazy. I'm panicking.

You panicking?

God, no. Babies
wreck you, Jess.

They literally eat your body.

I'm 30, I'm single,

and I just started a new job.

Tonight

I used a bread roll

to wipe butter off my face,

and then I ate the bread roll,

so I essentially used my face

as a butter knife.

I don't think
I'm ready

to bring new life
into the world, but...

what if all that's left
are the weird eggs?

And the evil eggs?

You have no evil eggs.

I can feel them.
They're turning.

They watched
their brothers

and sisters die,

and now they want to be birthed.

I need to be fertilized.

Fertilize me,
Los Angeles!

Calm down, all right?

You're overreacting.

I am overreacting!
You know why?

Because I want a family.

I want to give my
nipples a purpose.

Give my nipples a purpose!

- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, God, that was a mistake.

Duck down.
That was a mistake.

We're taking that test.

Well I think that you guys
made a really smart decision

- coming in here today.
- Sadie,

once at a senior
graduation party,

I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi
for... 12 hours.

Is there any chance
that I sunny-side upped my eggs?

- No, Jess.
- Oh,

between the years
of 1998 and 2005,

I used a lot of self-tanner.

Like, a lot.

Is that a possibility of, um...

- Do I... Okay.
- Nope.

Here we go.

I once fell on
a pommel horse...

I'm gonna call you
when I get the results.

This is good.

I got nothing. This is...

Whoa, whoa, Jess,
what are you doing?

That's my ketchup collection!

This fertility Web site
says I need to get rid

of anything with toxins.

Did you put the microwave
in the trash?

- Yes.
- Why would you do that?

Microwaves zap things!

- You can't take my microwave away!
- Zap my insides!

- It's the only thing I love!
- I can't risk it!

- It's what makes burritos delicious!
- I don't care!

You care about your burritos
more than my children, Nick?

- You're putting me in a tough spot.
- Friends,

I'm in a real-life
sex pickle.

My inability to satisfy Emma
has thoroughly rocked me.

I've tried everything.

How about now?

Hold on. I'm Shazam-ing
this song.

Oh, for crying out loud!

Guess what I'm
worried about?

This sound.

You know what
that sound is?

It's the sound of
an empty uterus.

I don't need test
results to tell me

that it is The Grapes
of Wrath in there.

It is 1930s

Dust Bowl in there, Schmidt.

And they're all walking
with limps.

I can top that easily.
I'm having a hard time

- with my zombie novel.
- Oh, not this...

Are you literally

comparing a zombie novel

to my ability to create life?

I'm a writer, Jess.
We create life.

Ugh! Being a woman sucks!

Preaching to the choir.
Women are the worst.

Seriously, can you
please stop yelling?

All right, now,
it's no big deal,

but I'm on
an adjusted schedule.

Sorry about this. Jess has
absolutely lost her mind.

- I have not lost my mind!
- Yeah, you have.

I'm just scared!

Would you trust me?

You're gonna be fine.

You're gonna meet
somebody and...

you're gonna fall in love
and then...

before you know it,
you're gonna...

With who, Nick?

Who's gonna... lay a flag down

on this sweet, sweet continent?

I'll man up.
But I must warn you,

Jess... I don't have sperms.

I have tadpoles.

Of the gods.

That's right.

And I'm gonna give 'em to you.

You can have 'em all,
for all I care.

That's how much I love you.

I feel your pain
in this situation.

I want you to have babies.

Take my sperms.

No. It should be me, Jess.

- What?
- With your big, beautiful blue eyes

- and my...Blair Underwood-like skin,
- Mm-hmm.

- We'd have the most beautiful baby the
world has ever seen. - He's not wrong.

- It could get into any school it wants.
- Mm-hmm.

To be clear, I haven't asked
any of you to impregnate me.

I think it's important that
that's been said.

Good, 'cause it's definitely
not me.

Good, 'cause it's
definitely not you.

I would love that little baby
with all my heart.

Even if I did show it

by picking him up from school

in my underwear and...

hitting on the crossing guard.

- How's the zombie novel coming?
Good, good, good.

I haven't written a word.

Wait, are you serious?

Nick, it's not
that hard, man.

Just sit down and write.

You ain't Hemingway.

- You boys are right.
- Mm-hmm.

I got to be more like Hemingway.

I just lost another one
of my eggs

while you were comparing
yourself

to the most famous writer
of all time.

Maybe the reason
I have writer's block

is I've been living too casual
with you clowns.

I need real-life
adventure

like Ernest Hemingway had
at my age.

Man, I got to run
with the bulls.

I got to kill a man
with my bare hands

after making sweet love to him

and then sleep on the warm belly
of his horse.

I got to eat my way out
of a sandwich house!

How much you know
about Hemingway?

Not a lot!
But I'm gonna learn!

I'm becoming
Ernest Hemingway.

You idiots.

Schmidt.

Yo.

Okay, Schmidt.

Female pleasure.

Here are some diagrams,

so we can see where you're at.

The vagina.

I'm familiar.

Good.

Now, what I typically do is
I start over here,

and then I move here once

I feel confident that this area

- has been taken care of.
- Yeah, see,

that's exactly what I do.

I call that "Losing Nemo."

Well, a more advanced move
would be...

You know what?
I'll just show you.

It's sort of...
Come in this way.

No, no, I see what you're doing.
That asymmetry right there?

That's crucial.
'Cause then what I'll do is

is I'll go outside,

get the paper,

and shake the neighbor's hand.

- Interesting.
- Then what I'll do is,

I'll tie a bow on it
because it's birthday time.

Then I get onstage
and collect my Oscar

and say thank you
to the people,

thank you to the people,
then get back down offstage

and get everybody into
the sharing circle,

right down there in
the sharing circle,

and then...

spike the volleyball.

Then what I like
to do is, I like

to arrive at the
bridge, meet the troll,

and then answer
his riddles three.

Then what we do
is, we're dancing.

We're just gonna dance, we're
gonna dance for a while.

We'll dance until you
can't dance anymore,

dancing till you
can't dance anymore,

and then everybody gets

a churro.

You okay?

Mm-hmm.

It's the baby hormones.

They are not as gay as me.

So I'm good at this, right?

Schmidt,

in my professional opinion,

you have definitely
earned the rank of...

and I will use the phrase
you coined... va-genius.

Thank you, thank
you so much.

I really needed to
hear that, Sadie.

You got to go.

Hey, Winston,

we're going on an adventure!

We need real-life experience
like Hemingway.

Whoo, I feel
like Hemingway.

This is life
experience?

Yeah, the zoo is the best
we can do, I told you,

but it's got
everything we need.

It's got life,
animals, man, beast.

Look, I'm sorry, dude,
it's just, you know,

I'm not supposed to
be awake right now

- because of my adjusted...
- Adjusted schedule, yeah.

Hey, man, 13
minutes of sleep.

Honestly, Nick,
seriously,

13 minutes of sleep...
that's all I got.

You're starting to look
like a pillow to me.

All I can think of is, like,

"Man, Nick looks exactly
like a pillow to me."

Hmm, what'd you say?
Winston, you need some sleep.

- But I'm out here with you.
- Yeah.

- Okay, because I love you.
- Thank you.

And I want you to finish
your zombie book.

Okay, but check out
where we are.

This is experience,

this is what's firing me up
to get back to writing.

This is kind of
what it's all about.

What are you doing?

It's writer's fuel.

That's what Hemingway said.

Sadie, um, hey.

Uh, I just,
I just want you to know

that I am, um, I'm like...

I am okay with whatever
you tell me.

I'm just like,

if you say

you've got a year, that's fine.

If you say, like, "You can have
kids till you're 80,"

that's fine, too.
If you say, "You are barren,"

um, I'm, I'm okay
with that, too.

Um, just,

why am I
the only one talking?

Just lay it on me.

What's inside my body?

Everything looks
good, Jess.

Your hormone levels
are outstanding.

- What?
- Actually

these are off
the charts

for someone
your age.

I mean, I don't know how

you're walking around
with this many eggs.

* I'm the egg queen *

* I'm queen *
* of the eggs. *

Right.

- Cece.
- Mm-hmm.

You know what?
Maybe we should talk in private.

Cece, Cece.

Cece, wait, do
you want to talk?

Jess, you don't get it.

Sadie basically just
told me that if I want

to have a kid,
I've got to start right now.

Right now.

I thought I had
all of this time.

I didn't want to have
to think about this.

I know, I know,
I'm sorry.

I made you
take the test.

What can I do?

Make me a guy so I don't have
to worry about this.

You know what? Yes.

Yeah, let's be guys
just for today.

Let's, let's care
about stupid things,

talk about sharks
and sci-fi movies

and making
everything wireless.

"Dude, my phone is wireless,
my computer is wireless.

- Everything's wireless, yeah."
- You're a terrible guy.

"Come on."

No, I'm the best guy.

Come on, come on.

All right.

Okay, how was that?

Eh.

Why, though,
with the "eh"?

Unbelie... but I played out
your most secret fantasy:

French maid
handyman does...

- Studio 54...
- Studio 54 busboy.

- I know, it's disappointing.
- I thought I killed it.

And I picked you at work because
I heard you were amazing in bed.

I... no, no, no, I am,
okay, I know that I am.

I have it on good authority
from my model ex-girlfriend

and an actual
lesbian gynecologist

that I know exactly what I'm
doing, so it's got to be you.

It's us...
this doesn't work.

When I got divorced I-I,

I thought
I could go out there

and have
all these new experiences...

the contract of sex
with someone at work

who's so far
beneath me, you know,

someone basically
just powerless.

I guess I have
to feel something.

Okay, see, I'm not like that.

I don't even understand
that concept.

My ex-girlfriend the
model... she's a model.

- I know she's a model.
- We'd have sex,

and it was just like, I was
happy, you know, I, I...

We were connected, I wasn't
thinking about anything.

What is that?

That is love, you idiot.

That's love.

Yuck.

- It sucks.
- So, what, do I have

to, I have to, like, be in love
now to have good sex?

Think about me...
I got to go out in the world

and meet people, date.

You're going
to be great.

You think?

Yeah.

Consider
our sex contract void.

How am I gonna get
the feathers off?

I have no idea.

Jess and that girl!

Uh...

Oh, I'm so glad they're here.

So you're getting a lot
of work done here, huh?

- Who wins... me versus gorilla? Go.
- Gorilla.

Me versus gorilla.

- Gorilla.
- No, but in a contest.

- Gorilla.
- Yeah, but in a competition.

Uh, gorilla.

You don't get it.

Okay, are you just

drunk at the zoo right now?

- Let's go look at snakes.
- Okay.

Where are the snakes?!

All day.

You know what?

I don't think we should
act like the guys.

Jess, what am I going to do?

What am I going
to tell Robby?

You are a Mexican
West Coast rattlesnakes,

and they call you "fang-tastic."

No one ever calls me
anything like that.

Nick, what are you doing?

This is not life experience;

This is procrastination
at the zoo.

- I don't think it is.
- Now, I need some sleep.

- I got to work tonight.
- Okay,

- congratulations, I'm glad you found
your passion... - Okay, look...

...and that you
love what you do.

- Wow.
- But enough's enough.

- Don't throw it in my face.
- Is it like that, is it like that, Nick?

- Don't throw it in my face.
- Nick, I got off

- my adjusted schedule...
- Don't say "adjusted schedule."

- That's super annoying.
- Adjusted schedule.

- Stop saying it.
- Adjusted schedule.

You say it again,
I'm gonna let the snakes out.

Adjusted schedule.
Let the snakes out.

I will let...

- These guys have done a pretty good
job keeping it sealed. - Yeah, yeah.

- Nick, you're not a finisher.
- Oh, I'm a finisher.

You're not a finisher at all, man.

- That's why you didn't finish law school.
- Don't do that.

The same reason you're only three
episodes into Downton Abbey.

- There's just too many characters, it's
hard to follow. - Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I get it, man, you're scared,
and that's okay... be scared.

Just stop wasting my time
because I'm tired

and I need to sleep
because I want to work tonight

at the job I'm passionate about.

I'm glad you called me;
I love the zoo.

You think
I'm like a bear?

I mean, I kind of
move like a bear,

and I got that really
long, sharp toenail

that you love
so much.

Hey.

Randa.

It says here you're 43.

Keeping it tight, girl.

What do you
think of kids?

I love kids.

I would like to have
children someday.

- Someday?
- Well, yeah,

like in ten years or something.

Yeah.

I have a lot of eggs.

Unfortunately

I don't have a lot of sausage.

Yeah, I shouldn't be
complaining.

I'll be okay.

- Hey, Winston.
- Aah, what?

Sorry to wake you.

- Z is for Zombie.
- What?

I finished my novel.

I stayed up
for 14 straight hours.

I even peed in water bottles.

We have a bathroom.

Wow, you dedicated
it to me.

"To Winston.
Have a nice summer.

Hope to see you ag..."

Really?

I just want to say right now,
the black guy dies early...

his name is William...

but don't take offense;

It's a staple of the genre.

I can't take this...
too much anxiety.

I'm going to my room.

Hey, Winston,
are you reading it?

Hey.

Oh, hey.

I knew it.

I knew you'd choose me
to get you pregnant.

Yep, let's go.

Jess.

Schmidt.

I think I may have been
in love with Cece.

- You are in love with Cece.
- You think?

Can't believe I have to have
feelings to have good sex.

I was hoping I'd be dead
before this happened.

Hey, why are we all hanging out
in my room

and sitting on my bed?

Nick, this is

the worst thing I have ever read
in my entire life.

You misspelled
the word "rhythm"

38 times.

- Z is for Zombie?
- Yeah, Z Is for Zombie.

- The zombie novel.
- Yeah.

"Rhythm" is
a tough word.

- Don't feel bad about that.
- Yeah, thanks, man.

- Did you get to the word search?
- Yeah.

I put a word search
in the novel,

but the joke's on you.

There aren't any words in there,

so you're just gonna be staring
at letters, you idiot.

But you know what?
You finished it,

and for that, my friend,
I'm proud of you.

- Thank you, I did finish it, I finished something.
- Yeah, you finished something.

Read it out loud,
Winston.

Read it out loud.

Read it out loud.

- Read it out loud... - Okay, I'll read
this damn thing; you asked for it.

This might be humiliating.

"No one in the sleepy mountain
town of 'Writhe-em' City..."

That's Rhythm City.

"...knew what the meteor meant,
but the one thing

Mike Jr. did have was
a whole lot of 'rittems.'"

- Rhythm. - No, yeah.
- "'Whoa, what bit me

in the face?' Mike Jr. said
to his dad Mike Sr., who sucks."

Sucks... Mike Sr. sucks.

It's a major theme
throughout this.

"Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch,

much more
than his neighbor Rallo."

Never stop
reading this.

"'Zombie zoo, zombie zoo,
zombie zoo, zombie zoo.

"'Who let them zombies
out that damn zombie zoo?

Uh-oh, watch your back, Laura.'"

And I guess Laura is
another character

that he introduces,
but that's it.

And here's the word search.

Yeah, good luck, you idiot.