New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 8 - Parents - full transcript

Jess, I'm not
done with that.

That's $18 granola...
handmade.

$18 for granola?

Okay, you're gonna be eating
two Thanksgiving meals today,

so starve yourself.

Jess, I get
it that your parents

are divorced, but can't they
just have one meal together?

Yeah, sure, they
can if they're both

gagged and blindfolded.

Okay, listen up, guys,
my mom is gonna be here

at 9:00
and she's staying till 2:00,



and then my dad's going
to be here at 2:30

and he's gonna stay till 7:30.

I should also
warn you guys

- that my mom's a little bit perky.
- Wait,

you think she's perky?

Well, she doesn't have
my dark side.

I got that from my dad.

Nick, you're gonna love
my dad so much.

He's so unhappy.

I'm not into dads,
I'm not a dad guy.

I don't like 'em, don't trust 'em,
never have.

Oh, that's her.

It's okay, man.

What's okay, man?



- Oh.
- Momsicle.

Oh, Jujube.

Wow, showed up looking
like a pilgrim.

- Every year.
- Hello, everyone.

- This is my mom Joan.
- Hi.

- This is everybody.
- Hi.

Oh, come on over, I just want
to give you all a big hug.

- Oh, come on, big Thanksgiving hug.
- Do it, come on.

Come on, we'll do a
big hug ball, come on.

- Come on, Cece, you know
how to do this. - Yep.

You in the white shirt.

I don't do hug balls.

Come on in.

Hug ball jumping,
hug ball jumping.

Okay.

- All right.
- Whoo!

Oh, dear God.

- A hug ball?
- Dad.

- Well, hello, Bob.
- You're early.

You know what
I'm thankful for today?

Divorce.

* Who's that girl?

* Who's that girl? *
* It's Jess.

No, no, no, no, it was my
mistake, it's my mistake.

I'll wait five hours

and come back when
Joan's shift is up.

Bob, just stay.

What if we need
something ruined?

- Mom!
- It's all right, I'll spend my holiday

at a Los Angeles coffee shop...

- No...
- sitting around with people

who have nothing better
to do on Thanksgiving

than work on
their screenplay.

I probably won't want
to blow my head off.

Bob, we are both grown-ups.

We can make it through
one day together.

Please, Dad.

- Well done, Jessica Day.
- Pardon?

"My mom's coming at 9:00 a.m.
and my dad's coming at 2:30."

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

The movie you made me watch
a million times.

- Rocky IV?
- Parent Trap.

What?
I don't...

Mm-hmm.

Why would I do that?

Parent Trap... crazy.

Mom, Dad, help,
there's a man in the room.

He's trying to get us
to eat candy.

Jess, Jess.
Jess?

Jess, are you okay?

What's the matter?
Are you...?

Oh, damn it, Jess,
that's the second time today.

Smile, Mom, you still got it.

Jessica,
what are you doing?

I want him to see
what he's missing.

You're texting your father?!

That was a long
time ago, Cece,

when I was
young and naive.

- Just go.
- Excuse me.

What's with all
the crappy beer, man?

You hate that stuff.

Let's just say that my cousin
doesn't exactly have

the most sophisticated palate.

Raised by wolf-like parents
in the wilds of Minnesota,

he actually went to juvie

for stealing
the synagogue's minivan.

It's been that way
since we were kids.

Made my life a living hell.

I'm the strong kind
of fat.

Yes, yes, yes!

Please tell me he's going
to sit on you when he gets here.

He's a good guy, I'm telling
you, he's totally changed.

- Okay. - He settled down with
this great woman named Krista.

She's coming.

Actually went Legoltod
with them last year.

He didn't pressure me
to go on any of the rides

I wasn't comfortable with.

Ho!
Ha-ha.

How you doing,
little buddy?

Come here.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Okay.

- Hey.
- What's up, man? Winston.

Nice to meet you,
I'm Schmidt.

I actually go by Schmidt,
uh, around here.

There can only be one...
you know the rule.

- Ah! Look at that right there.
- That's...

Where's Krista?

Krista and I have
a new arrangement.

Okay.
- I, uh,

I can sleep with
whoever I want,

but she doesn't speak to me
or live with me any more.

Hey, Dad,

- you want to help us?
- I have

to stay away
from salmonella.

You don't
have to lick it, Bob.

No, no, no,
my doctor says...

It was a joke,
it was just a joke.

I have a sense
of humor.

If that was a joke,
here is a pencil.

Draw me a map
to the joke.

Guys, it doesn't have
to be like this.

Mom. you're in a great
place with your practice.

Dad, I'm sorry Katherine
cheated on you,

- but it's been months.
- Jess.

- What are you...?
- I'm sorry, I thought,

I thought, I... I'm s...
I thought everyone knew.

You grieved so publicly
on Instagram...

all those pictures of sad
trees and, and your lunches.

Katherine cheated?

Yeah.

Oh, Bob, that's
terrible, I'm so sorry.

- Yeah.
- No, really, I had no idea.

Yeah, well, yeah.

Oh, sorry, really.

Come here, come
here, let me...

Salmonella...

- Salmonella.
- Okay.

- I liked her.
- You did?

- No, no.
- I didn't think so.

Hey, remember that song, huh?

- Sure, Bob.
- Yeah.

- Do I remember that?
- That was the night.

- Great night.
- Yeah.

- Oh, yeah.
- I'm not talking about the concert.

No, the after...
the afterparty.

- The afterparty.
- The after... yeah.

Jess, no.

Parent trap.

Okay, admittedly this is
a little bit crazy,

but if this is going to work,
you're both helping me.

- Okay, I'm out of here.
- Sit down, sit down.

- I'm not doing a parent trap.
- Nick,

they got married too young,
they got divorced too young.

I think this could
really make them happy.

They need us.
Here's the plan:

We're gonna make
my mom look so hot

that my dad can't resist her.

Your parent trap...
there's no identical twins

or mistaken identity?

Not a parent trap,
it's a makeover.

The only thing you have to do
is distract my dad.

A parent trap takes
weeks of scheduling.

I feel like you're just
throwing this together.

This is a makeshift
parent trap;

- They don't work.
- Why do you have to ruin everything, Nick?

I don't know, I've
got something bad

inside of me.
I ruin things.

Let's do this parent trap.

Yes.

Oh, would you
look at that?

She's spectacular.
Wow.

Well, you know,
we used to date, right?

You, Schmiggle?

- Schmidt.
- Please.

Cece, can you please
come over here

and confirm our intercourse?

And then I dumped her 'cause
I was like, you know, whatever.

You mean, you ran away scared.

Exactly, you're not enough man
for a woman like that.

- Okay, yeah, and you are?
- Damn right I am.

Well, I'll tell you what,
if you guys want to find out

who's truly the manliest,
you should have a contest.

- I'm listening. - Go on.
- The winner

of this contest will be
declared the one true Schmidt.

- Yes. - It is on.
- What are you doing?

- I'm bored.
- Nice.

Seems like every time
they want

to move a team
to Los Angeles,

the team that's most likely
to move here,

the owner Al Davis...

Dead.

And then they talk to the,

to the Ravens and their owner
Art Modell... dead.

Dead. You know what I mean?

Who-Who's going
to speak out for us,

- I mean, the voice of the NFL...
Steve Sabol? Dead.

- Also dead.
- Exactly.

You know, it doesn't take
a genius. All you got to do is

- follow the money.
- Always follow the money.

That's what
I always say.

- You always follow the money.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Oil companies.
- Pharmaceuticals.

Big business,
chicken corporations.

Corn.

Yeah.

Just explain to me again
why we're doing this.

Because, when Cece's
all washed up as a model,

she wants to be
a makeup artist.

And I want to help her
realize her dreams.

Yeah, it's my plan B.

Okay, stop.
Seriously, it's just too much.

The makeup and-and your dress?

The only reason I wear makeup
in Portland

is to keep the rain off my face.

So your hair just does,
like, this one thing, right?

Sorry.

I don't know if Jess
has told you this,

but I am writing a novel.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.
- What's it about?

It's about zombies.

Zombies?

And it's a relationship story.

It has a great love story
in there

that could be made into a movie,
I think.

The love story's between... whom?

The zombie and Carol.

Zombie and the-the...
Carol is not a zombie?

- She's a regular person?
- No, she's a rich girl.

Oh, so it's like the Twilight
thing where...

It's not like the Twilight...
No, it isn't.

Where the vampire falls in love
with a regular person.

You don't really...
you don't get it.

- It's the same thing.
- Oh, really?

Is there another guy
on Twilight,

that there's a bit
of a love triangle with?

Yes.

- It's the same as Twilight...
- Does Twilight have a wolf in it?

- Yes.
- It does?

Yes.

Is Twilight in Seattle?

Yes!

Well, then whoever wrote that
is smart.

Um, listen,

I know you were very young,

and I'll completely forgive you,

just tell me the truth...

Did you drive my van?

Joan, I have told you this.

It wasn't me.

Okay, I believe you.

I know it was you.

Wow, I look like
a slutty Katie Couric.

The trap has been set.

- Is is working?
- Mm-hmm.

Croce makes my mom frisky.

Check it out.

Oh, hey, your mom
looks great.

Really?

- Go hit on her.
- What?

My dad gets super jealous.

So if you go lay some
sweet game on her...

- Go hit on your mother?
- I was going to make Schmidt do it.

No, no, no, I can't hit on...

- Hey, Mom. Mom, uh,
- Jess...

Nick was just saying
that your décolletage

looks bewitching
in that dress.

- Right, Nick?
- Thank you.

I like your de, uh...

your de... de-college.

Say hello to my
sister wives,

Mrs. Schmidt and
Mrs. Schmidt.

- All right, time for delts?
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

I'm slowly regretting this.

Definition
is for chicks, man.

All right, it's
all about size.

I mean, look at the
mass on this bitch.

- Stupid.
- What's your calf situation like?

Calves?
Want to see some ankle circles?

Look at that.
Some donkey raises?

One, two...

No, no, no, no, no.
Wheelbarrow.

- What's a wheelbarrow?
- Wheelbarrow.

Every kid knows what
a wheelbarrow is.

Put your hands
on the ground.

Hand on the ground.

Hey! All right.

- Turn him around. Faster.
- Yeah, all right.

Come on, man,
really work those calves.

Look at this, Winston,
I can do this all day, man.

No, I got it
all day, man.

All day,
I don't even think about it.

That's awesome.
Keep going.

- All day. I can do this all day, Winston.
- I got all day, too!

Hey, how long can you
do this for?

I can do this all day!

- Yeah, I got all day, too!
- Winston!

Why are you yelling at me?

I'll do this all day!

I'll do it all day,
Winston!

- This is great.
- I'll do it all day, Winston!

Joan, I've got to say

you are great...

at doing what you're doing.

You got those beautiful
strong arms.

- You want to give
it a try? - Okay.

Mom and Nick seem to be
really getting along great.

- Well, no, no, no...
- Is that good?

- You're wasting it.
- Oh, sorry, then show me.

Mm, yeah.

Yeah, we got to get
the whole thing.

There you go.

What is happening?

I can feel the chemistry
from here.

I sprayed all over.

Clean up time.

Like, whoa.

Jess, what are you doing?

Watching the game.

You're doing the
parent trap thing again.

- What? Dad...
- Yes.

I have a master's degree.

I'm not parent trapping.

- You're such a liar.
- Seriously,

I'm not... Okay.
Fine, you're right.

- You need help.
- Why do I do that?

I don't understand.
Every time, it never worked out.

Okay, I'm calling
it off. Nick.

* Every time I try
to tell you *

* The words just
come out wrong *

Nick!

* So I have to
say "I love you" *

* In a song.

- Nick!
- I love that.

Nick!
Thanks for helping me out,

but I'm calling
it off.

She's doing another one
of her parent traps.

- Can I top you off?
- Yes, please.

Hey, Nick,
what are you doing?

I don't know, Jessica.

I'm a little bit confused.

I think I'm
into your mother.

- What?!
- I don't know how it happened.

In truth, it happens
all the time, Nick.

I don't know if it's
the sweet sounds of Jimmy Croce

or the sweet smells
of this turkey...

Nick, this is not what
we talked about.

- I know but it got...
- Give me that baster.

- No!

Okay, everyone.

This bird needs to go
back in the oven.

Bob, I need to clean you up
in the bathroom please.

- Come on.
- Brand-new shirt.

Do I regret it? Yes.

Would I do it again?
Probably.

It's all right, Joan,
you don't have to do it.

You want, you can go
back to your basting.

What, did you get
a little jealous, Bob?

Of that idiot? What,
are you kidding me?

You know, she's really
got to stop doing this.

She's so stubborn.

Wonder where she got that?

Did she ever text you
some photos?

- You mean of you in the shower?
- Yeah.

- I got 'em.
- I was just wondering.

Eh, maybe I was a
little jealous.

Seems to me like
this whole thing is a draw.

I mean, You did touch a hotter pan,
but he ate a much bigger candle.

You belched longer,
he farted louder.

You punched a tree,
he head-butted a bench.

You both bailed on
the fifth testicle punch.

I mean, Schmidt,
how much more can you take?

Schmiggle, I got the belts
rigged up in the bedroom.

Ready to see
who blacks out first?

All right, you know what,
forget it.

Whatever, I-I give.

- Yes! That's what I'm talking about.
- Wow.

Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Yeah, but know this, all right.

Your caveman ideas about manhood
are so over.

Manhood today is
about exfoliation,

- Ha!
- And cheese courses,

and emotional honesty,
and Paxil.

And yes, cutting peppers in the
classic style de julienne.

You may have bested me in a
competition of pre-Clinton manhood,

but I am Schmidt.

A refined and enlightened
pescetarian.

About 90% of the time.

Observe.

What are you doing?

Don't touch the blade...
it's hot.

A classic julienne.

Marine Corps
Cook of the Year 2003.

And I can do the same thing
to a man's arm.

Yeah, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.

That's the sound
of round two.

Perfection.

This is a masterpiece
right here.

- Who's hungry, right?
- I am starving.

Well, it makes sense
with you two.

You guys must've
worked up an appetite.

What?

Look at that plating.

It's like Picasso.

It's nice squeeze bottle
work there, Bobby Flay.

- He is still relevant.
- Where? Phoenix?

Schmidt, come on,
we are getting hungry.

What don't you guys
just stay here?

- I'll sleep on the couch.
- What? What are you saying?

- What?
- Nothing happened.

What are you saying?
What are you saying?

- I'm with you.
- You shouldn't be saying anything...

- Anything,
- 'cause I don't know anything.

'Cause you're not... you
don't have any information

- about anything.
- Information at all.

Nothing.

- Happened.
- The answer is nothing.

- What?
- Answer me a question.

Which one of these platings
is more masculine?

Look, do you guys want to know
what the ultimate test is?

Being secure in
your masculinity.

- How do we prove that?
- I'm super secure.

You kiss a man.

Yeah.

If you want to be
the one true Schmidt. I mean...

- No. We don't.
- I'll kiss a man.

I'll kiss a man.
Yeah, I'll kiss a man.

- Winston. Yeah, he'd do.
- Winston?

I could go for some stuffing
right now. Am I right?

- Yeah, love me some stuffing.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah, right? - Yeah, let's go.
- I'll kiss Winston.

- I'll do it.
- I'll kiss Winston all day.

I'll kiss Winston's mouth

all day.

Let's do it.

All day
I'll kiss Winston...

Everybody else
really hot, too?

- Oh, wow.
- Hey. Ooh!

Thank you.

- Manly.
- Beautiful.

Hey, Winston, uh, I got you this

as an after-dinner
mint for after dinner.

- Oh, thanks, man. I appreciate it.
- Okay? For you to have.

- I appreciate that.
- Just make sure you take... that's right...

What are we having
here, turkey sushi?

What is this?

Ooh.

I'm gonna make a toast.

Parent Trap's just a movie.

And real relationships
are not like that.

They're more complicated
than that.

And they're not even real twins.

Twins! Yes!

I'm thankful for twins.
They're like sisters,

but they do it, and
they like to have sex.

- Schmidts.
- What?!

- What?
- In conclusion...

I want to say
what I'm thankful for.

Family.

They said...
it couldn't be done.

They said,

"You're crazy, Jess."

I am so thankful today
that I proved them wrong.

- Whoa, honey, what?
- Whoa, hey, hey, wait. What are you saying?

Congratulations, guys.
We saw you guys doing it

- in the bathroom.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- We saw you guys doing it in the bathroom.
- It was the greatest day

- of my entire life.
- Greatest day of mine.

There was so much love there.

And sex. Sex energy,
too, Jess.

And se-sex.

You lit this place on fire,

- you two animals.
- It was just a kiss.

It was a great kiss.

It was a hookup.
It mean nothing.

Listen, if
Joanie's up for grabs,

- I volunteer.
- I volunteer, too.

- I volunteered first.
- Don't even matter.

- You can't volunteer right after...
- I'm in the game now.

You just wanted
me for my body.

- Yup.
- And I'm fine with that.

- Joanie, what if it was like that?
- That's not bad.

I saw something. You guys had
a spark, you connected.

Let's get natural.
Bring it to you.

I swear, if you
got together today,

it would be different
than before.

I think you could
make each other happy.

I'm serious. No. What?
Let me finish.

Jess, you got to
let it go, okay?

No, I'm not letting it go!

- You have to admit that...
- No.

- What? ...
- they're never gonna make it work.

- No.
- And you scratched my van.

Mom, she didn't mean
to scratch your van.

I knew it. I knew it.

Didn't I tell you? I knew it.

Okay, the reason
I was in your van

is because your little
JuJuBe was high as a kite!

Oh. Oh, my God.

Honey, are you an addict?
Oh, this is new information.

It was a brownie. I wasn't
allowed to eat chocolate.

Yes. What, are you
living with drug dealers?

When can we start eating?

- Are you into pot? Is this a rehab?
- What are you doing?

Are you selling your
body to pay for the rent?

I don't sell my body
for rent, no!

When can we start eating?

It's off. Off.

Shut up, everybody!

I just want to be a family.

Jess.

You have a family.

Your father and I are not
getting back together.

Never.

Jess.

- Honey?
- Where you going?

Jess?

Turkey.

Jess. Honey,
can I come in?

Or do you have your
dad hiding in the closet,

waiting to make
out with me?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I ruined
the whole day,

and it could have been
really nice, but it wasn't,

'cause I tried to shove a turkey
down a garbage disposal.

I just...

I thought...

maybe you guys could
make each other happy.

We're actually
happier apart.

Maybe I just worried that...

since you guys are alone

that means that I have
to end up alone.

You're not
gonna be alone.

Even if you were,

you could always
move in with me.

We could get a
condo in Miami.

Mm.

And start solving
crimes together.

God, you have to
lighten up, Jess.

It's just life.

Yeah, you know what?

We could definitely
Grey Gardens

the crap out of a condo in Miami.

Can't wait to eat cat food with you.

I'm okay. Don't
worry about me.

And so is your dad.

Okay.

We doing this or not?

I'm going in.

Mmm. Mmm.

- What's up, bro?
- What's up?

No.

Face smells like
a dude's face.

- Not for me.
- Hmm.

All right.

Watch how a real
man does it.

Hey, Winston?

'Sup?

- Yeah.
- I know, right?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Okay, well, then it's off.

Game over.

No. No way.

- Winston?
- Hmm?

All day!

Whoa!

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

I did it.

And I'm the one
true Schmidt!

You got it, man.
You can be Schmidt. I'm...

You should not
do that on Thanksgiving.

I kissed a dude!

Oh, I miss Krista.

You know, she had
a little mustache, too?

I know she did.

You okay... Schmidt?

Yes... I am...

Schmidt.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Give me a hug.
I love you, sweetie.

Love you.

Love you, sweetheart.

- Love you, Mom.
- Love you, too, sweetheart.

Joan, I just want to say that

I'm really happy that, you know,
we got past all that.

Come here, Cece.

Give my little girl
drugs again... I will end you.

Bye.

Bye, everybody.

- And no more parent traps.
- Okay.

Yeah. We're done with those.

- Got it.
- Been there, trapped that.

- Bye.
- Love you guys. Bye.

I won't tell her if you don't.

Tell her about what?