New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 10 - Bathtub - full transcript
Jess wants a bathtub in the apartment, and Winston helps her get one. Schmidt is still interested in CeCe and thinks they would be great together, but he is also still with his boss. Nick meets a woman with man troubles at the bar.
I can't believe they're playing
these old matches.
- Man, these were legendary.
- Camel clutch!
That's not
a camel clutch.
That is
a camel clutch.
Gentlemen, hi.
I'd just like a moment
of your time.
- Jess, you can't turn that off.
- If I may.
I have a word that's
gonna change your life.
The answer is already "no."
- Bathtub.
- Bathtub's two words.
- It's one word.
- Bathtub is two words.
How come I'm James Brown?
When you don't smile
for my pictures, you get replaced.
You come home
after a long,
hard day at work.
- Tired.
- You want to relax, but how?
How about soaking
in a glorious
bubbly pool for one?
Sipping the nectar
of the gods.
I don't get it...
is this bath water?
Might as well be;
It's rosé.
Burn notice,
France.
- Now that I'm working again,
- Don't do this.
I'd really love to come home
and soak in a beautiful bathtub.
Bathtubs are Medieval
filth cauldrons... pass.
Yeah, it's a waste
of money, Jess.
I'm not interested in simmering
in testicle tea for 20 minutes.
Loft vote.
- No.
- No.
Feel like I'm at a garden party,
haven't even left home.
Winston, what are you talking
about... loft vote, no.
What, yeah, no,
duh, of course.
- Okay, you know what... loft vote...
- Nay.
- Loft vote.
- Nay.
Loft vote, I'm turning
wrestling back on.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Camel clutch! Camel clutch!
- No.
# Who's that girl? #
# who's that girl? #
# it's Jess. #
Hey, Schmidt.
- Ooh, hey. - Want to pitch on
the new Double V campaign?
I'm all about the Double V...
what is that?
It's a new vodka, yeah.
Filled with vitamins...
Double V?
What do you think?
You know, I've never
been considered
to run an account before.
Wait a min...
Wait, is this just
is this because we used
to... bingity-bangity?
No, of course not.
Take a look
at the specs
and come into my office tomorrow
in your best suit,
and, uh, blow me away
with your take.
My best suit...
I can put on my best suit.
Okay.
Wasted project, Nick, huh?
Herringbone?!
How did you get in here?
To schmidt.
Sleeping his way
to the top.
Cheers to me.
I hope
you like it.
I poured that one for you.
Drink it up.
This is coming off weird...
it's creepy, right?
- Go get her.
- I can't do that.
- I can't talk to thirsty.
- Thirsty?
I don't know her name,
so I call her Thirsty.
- Thirsty Mendelson.
- Oh, you made her Jewish?
- I didn't make her Jewish.
- Mendelson? She's not Jewish?
- Well, Thirsty. - If her last
name's Mendelson, she's Jewish.
Tell you what her first name is, too...
It's Rachel.
Get out of my head...
you're kind of ruining my thing right now.
What I have with
thirsty is perfect.
She's surly like I'm surly,
and she rolls her eyes
at everybody
like I roll my eyes
at everybody.
She likes to drink
in the afternoon.
And I like to drink
in the afternoon.
- Go talk to her.
- No, I can't.
That breaks the first rule
of bartending...
never cross the bar.
'Cause once you cross
the bar, it gets messy.
Rudy just wants her $200 back.
Come on, neither of you has
the right bra for this.
Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda?
Have you seen the ferret lady?
Why am I doing this?!
Never cross the bar.
Your rules have
gotten you so far.
- Classic Nick Miller.
- You got it.
Jess.
You want to help me at the
jukebox really quick?
Oh, my God, yes... I've always
wanted to do this with you.
Well, I was gonna go
"Raspberry Beret," but...
If we're gonna go Prince,
I think we should go, like...
Jess, I want to talk to you
about your bathtub pitch.
I love baths... I do.
Back in Latvia,
we had a great tub.
But I tell you what...
there are parts of my butt
only a tub can clean.
Ew, but okay!
Okay, here's
what we're gonna do,
so the guys don't know.
We're gonna split
the 400 bucks for the tub.
Then we can hide it on the roof
and install it in the middle
of the night, and then
we can just pretend like you
did it without our permission.
Or we could just...
say that you wanted a tub, too.
How about we just keep this
a Jess and Winston thing?
- Hey, Cece, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good;
Just broke up with Robby.
I'll make you a drink.
- What ha... what happened?
- Um,
I told him I had to start
getting serious
about having kids and he said,
"Okay, that's cool."
But then that's all he said
for the next eight hours,
and he hasn't said
anything to me since.
So terrible.
I just, I can't even...
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
I mean that's...
but I mean...
There's... cool.
It's cool.
- 'Cause you're single. You're single.
- Really subtle stuff.
- She's single now; technically, you're single...
are you not single? - Schmidt!
I have to get serious
about my future,
otherwise my mom is going
to set me up
with a hundred sweet, gentle,
painfully boring Indian guys.
Oh, my God, your mother.
I want to control your life.
That's how my
parents met and they had
a beautiful, healthy marriage.
I respect your parents...
I do.
I respect everything that...
look what they've created.
Look at that... look at
your beauty, with your hair.
I'd eat it out of a bowl,
your hair.
I'd put it in a bowl
and I'd eat your hair.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Cece.
I-I know it's unexpected
that I'm here.
It's because I wanted
to tell you something.
You're my boo.
You're my boo
and I'm... and I'm...
I been missing you.
I been missing you
oh, so long.
You know what's weird?
I don't find this weird anymore.
What's your problem, Nick... how
long you been standing there?
How much of that did you hear?
I'm in love, man.
I'm in love with Cece.
Everyone knows that,
you dumb-ass.
- You always have been.
- I gotta tell her, man.
You should do that, Schmidty,
that sounds great.
- Do I have your blessing?
- Do you have my blessing?
Yeah. I don't think you
need my blessing, big guy.
- Just kind of do your thing. - I would
like your blessing. You're my best friend.
- I want your blessing. - Schmidt, fine,
you got my blessing, okay? Just...
What is this?
Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
I need this.
Come on, please, give me,
give me a hug, Nick.
Please, just give me a hug!
I want... Ow!
Good stuff.
- Thank you, Nick.
- Come on!
All right, looks good...
no leaks.
We did it.
Yeah, we did.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
It's flooding!
- Do something!
- No, no, no, no, no!
I've never wished
I was dead more.
Schmidt's gonna freak out.
He once told me he spent $300
on a pocket square.
No!
Am I overreacting?
Eh, that's about right.
There you go...
good as new.
So, I've, uh, handled
this one-man job,
any two-man jobs
you want us to tackle?
I think we're good.
Thanks, Remy.
You sure there's not something
else that needs fixing?
Maybe in the...
lady's bedroom?
Uh, yeah, I think we're done...
thank you, Remy.
I will return your ladder
when I feel like it.
Thank you, bye.
He's so weird.
Um, okay, so, phase two.
Didn't Schmidt make us
get renter's insurance
when he almost tore down
that rafter with the sex swing?
Jess, we fake a robbery.
We fake a robbery
for the insurance.
That's a great idea.
We're a couple of meth-heads.
- Oh, yeah.
- Boom.
Got any meth?
Got any rings
on your fingers?
I need them for meth.
Get it all, get it all, get
it all, get it all, get it all.
Whoa! Do we have to steal
my moustache trimmer?
This is worth three bowls
of sweet, sweet meth.
- This? This?
- No.
No.
This?
I just don't think
the meth-heads
would want
anything in this room.
What about this?
A land line?
To me, it looks
like a meth sandwich.
Don't hog all the meth, daddy.
Did you hit this already?
- No, did you?
- No.
What are you doing?
You're smothering
me, all right?
I'm done with this!
At least leave your wallet!
I'm out of here!
Would you like a whiskey?
What?
I said that because I know you
like whiskey.
You're a whiskey girl, like me.
You're a whiskey girl?
I'm Nick.
I'm Angie.
Angie...
Angie, Angie.
Well, what are you
standing there for?
Go grab a bottle
and get me drunk, idiot.
Well, I-I couldn't drink
with you... I work here.
Just kidding, I get drunk,
like, all the time.
I've got a drinking thing.
You got it.
I also have all the access to
pistachios if you want, like, a full...
I'll make my own mind
up on that.
He took my
doctor's appointment suit!
He took El Capitan!
Damn it!
The only thing he left was
my summer suit
with the lightning bolt
on the back.
I keep that in my
summer bin along with
my summer condoms...
citrus-flavored,
for a more refreshing
summer experience.
- That's a jar...
- Jar for sure, yeah.
Look at this...
took my suits.
Left the...
left the douche bag jar.
Typical meth-head.
- Typical meth-head.
- Yeah, it's a shame.
Good thing that I have
a security camera in there.
I'm gonna download
the footage
and I.D. this S.O.B.
He's going down.
I respect the amount you drink...
- Oh,
- FYI these drinks
- aren't free.
- Wow, well, joke's
on you 'cause Mike left
with all my money.
Oh, really!
Then how you gonna
pay for the drinks?
Oh... probably with sex?
Sorry...
That is not pretty.
Well...
I was gonna let you
have sex with Mike.
- Oh...
- What? It's good.
That was an old switcheroo.
I just want to say
you two, uh...
What?
- No, no, I don't want to say.
- Come on, what?
I don't want to say.
I don't feel like it's...
- The point is it's not my...
- What are you afraid of?
- You're thinking it. - I'm not afraid, but...
He's kind of an ass... damn it!
You think I should
break up with Mike?
No, no, that is not
my place to...
- Well, you did; it is your place.
- But I've been drinking with you,
and I feel like you're
luring me in... Dump his ass!
Damn it.
I can't believe
you'd say that to me.
You should mind
your own business.
So many years of footage.
This is
from last May.
I was trying to add
an extra ab muscle.
Jess, I can't take this...
This is when I was experimenting
with faux hawks.
- I can't, I can't, I can't
take it, Jess. - You can.
- You're gonna blow this.
- My face is numb.
This is when I was lowering
my bar sexually.
- Why is my face numb?
- Okay, I'm gonna say this once.
- Tighten up.
- Okay, yeah.
I can't believe
this is happening.
It's such an important day.
What's happening today?
I just have to look good.
Okay? Not like
some Ukrainian dentist.
Oh, my God.
- Jess, I'm dying.
- What's wrong with you.
I'm dying, Jess.
Jess, pretend you're
not seeing this...
Schmidt, this isn't
a good time.
Cece, please.
Just... just open the box.
You brought a pigeon
into my house?
I couldn't find a dove.
Come on, Beatty.
It's... it was supposed to fly
out when you opened up the lid.
- What are you doing?
- I love you, Cece.
And I have been in love
with you for so long.
I used to think
it was just
a heavy like, but...
it's love.
- There it goes.
- Is this real?
For you?
Yes.
Cece, I'm ready for
a serious commitment.
I'm up for a huge
promotion at work.
I'm ready to have kids with you,
if that's what you want.
You want to have kids?
Let's go right now,
let's go make a kid.
Take your top off.
Schmidt, my mother...
she's gonna hate you.
Okay? You're Jewish.
She hates Jews; I mean,
she really hates them.
Everybody hates the Jews.
Your mom's in the majority.
I'll convert to Indianism.
Hindi... Hindi-is...eh?
Indiani-Indi...
Indi-Buddhi-ism?
Schmidt, we have so much
going against us.
Let's have dinner.
Tonight.
Okay.
Cool. No, yeah, cool.
Just give me a second.
Ah... yes!
I'm sorry.
Wiston, are you out of your head?
Security camera.
What are you doing?
Schmidt has a security camera.
Why did I think he didn't
have a security camera?
Oh. You're a briefs man.
I was hoping
I'd never find out.
Oh, my goodness, we should not
have gone for that tub.
I just like
bubbles so much...
Winston, I think you're
having a panic attack.
Hmm?
Shut up, hey, Jess, no.
I'm, uh... this is
just the willies.
The w... the what?
The... the willies?
The willies, yeah.
It's the same thing
that happened when I
took my driver's test.
Go ahead and
start the car.
No! No!
A lot of people
get panic attacks.
- The willies.
- My dad used to get them all the time.
Like, every time
he had to make a left turn.
It would take him
two and a half hours
to drive me to school.
We'd just drive all around
Portland, making right turns.
- Okay.
- It's okay.
- Okay.
- It's really okay.
Are you going to tell
anybody about my underwear?
Look, I really want to.
But I won't.
- Where is he?
- It's over, Mike.
- Where's Nick?
- Just stop... just stop it.
Hey. You Nick?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm not Nick.
Nick has pinkeye!
I'm Ricardo!
- Let Nick go!
- Ricardo? Ricardo? This is Nick, huh?
(Speaking fake Spanish)
You're a dead man!
I had it handled!
He was gonna kill you.
I've seen him do it.
- I know someone at work who can
stitch him up. - Okay, let's get him
- stitched up right now.
This is disgusting. - Okay.
I'm out there every night,
balling to the max,
and you expect me
to do what,
just stop and chew up
some cherry-flavored multi-V?
No, thanks.
I'll take my vitamins
on the rocks. Double V.
Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.
You gotta get specific
about this vodka.
- Have you tried Double V?
- No.
Let's open up this bitch.
Let's open up... okay.
- Um... I kind of...
- We're going to do every vitamin,
in alphabetical order.
Each shot that you do,
makes me know you're
going that extra mile.
- Emma, I really... - Is there something
more important than work?
- What?
- Okay.
- But you said...
- No, I... no, no, no.
Let's-let's just...
all right, we'll do it.
Don't feel weird, Winston.
Everybody has their
weird thing.
Even me.
Look, I'm gonna tell you
something about myself.
I am really claustrophobic.
- Jess, I don't believe you.
- No, seriously, watch.
- You seem fine to me.
- I seem fine,
but if I close the door,
it's gonna feel
like I'm dying...
even more than
a real death.
It just feels like death...
plus more death.
Okay, this is silly.
Just come on.
But I'm gonna be okay, because
I know you're out there.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you can help me...
Oh, my God...
Okay...
- Oh, my God. Let me out!
- Jess, this is not... this is not funny, Jess.
- Can you open up the door?
- Jess?
It's closed!
Oh, my God, Jess, the door is stuck.
- It's so hot in here!
- Jess, the door is stuck!
- Oh, my God! - Jess, come on,
now, this is not funny.
- Oh, my God... Oh, my God... Oh!
- Jess, this is not... oh, my goodness, is it hot?
- So you're not a nurse?
- Who said I was a nurse?
Stitches... you said somebody
at work can do stitches.
Who does stitches
at a strip club?
Someone need stitches?
Let me get my needle
and my bifocals.
Be right back.
Okay, let's get you down
right next to that dirty pole.
There? That? Okay, good.
Th... really nice place.
Uh, this is where you work.
You the ticket-taker?
- No, I'm a stripper.
- Yeah.
But what is it
that you do here?
- Stripper. - Because college is
so expensive these days...
- I'm a stripper.
- But only topless.
- Completely naked.
- Mike, where's my taco?
What happened? What happened?
Uh, he remembered that
he was married to you,
so he tried to beat the memory
out of his brain with a brick.
- Oh, he's married...
- You stupid bitch!
Oh, not okay!
Ladies!
Stop fighting!
Hey, hey!
Stop this now!
Don't stop this!
I'm super aroused!
I think I just
became a dirt bag.
Why did I cross the bar?
I did it.
- I'm here for dinner. I made it.
- It's really late.
We got the account.
I was with my boss, we got the account.
- We did it.
- You were with your boss?
What?
- No. - The woman who made
you sign a contract
- so she could have sex
with you, your boss? - No.
No. Uh...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
No... but nothing happened.
She just wanted me
to taste the V.
That came out wrong.
- Yeah.
- I thought about...
I thought about
the boss's boobs once.
They're still real nice,
but I didn't have no connection
to them emotionally, whatsoever.
Nothing.
Cece, I can pay
for our baby's college now.
Literally anywhere
they want to go.
UCLA, UMass...
any of the U schools.
- I love you so much.
- You should probably...
Oh, not...
It's okay.
Cece, I'm gonna
pee in my summer suit.
Hey, Mom, it's me.
I think I'm ready to
have you set me up.
This is not a prank.
Call me back.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Thank you, man.
- I see.
If you guys have been
playing hard to get,
you don't have to.
I am totally ready
to get mixed up in this
choco-vanilla shake.
No.
Yeah, you know what
I'm talking about here.
- I'm just talking about...
- Yes... I know, I know.
We got it, we got it, Remy.
- ...doing it with-with both of you.
- We got it. Yeah.
Three...
This never happened.
Jess, I just want
to say thank you.
You know, I thought
I was the only crazy one,
but it turns out
you're nuts as well.
Oh, I'm straight-up
bananas, Winston.
Next time that happens to you,
just come to me, and I'll
help you keep your pants on.
So what are we gonna do
about Schmidt's suits?
I feel like there's
a very obvious solution.
Oh, come on! Again?
Thank God.
The meth-heads came back.
They brought your suits back
'cause they don't fit them.
They did the right thing,
'cause they're
- drug addicts, they're not monsters.
- Right.
They actually got them
dry-cleaned, um...
deluxe package, very pricey.
Why'd he tie you up?
They kept saying, like,
"Ah, I'm so hungry for
more meth," you know?
"Let's get rid of these suits.
These clean... suits."
Jess and I want a tub.
We want candles
and bubbles.
Oh, damn it, Schmidt,
we want bubbles, man.
I want to cover everything
up on my body with bubbles.
You know, and then just
blow 'em off like this...
and laugh, like...
Get a tub, man.
Let's get a tub; I don't care.
- Hey.
- You okay?
What's wrong?
I told Cece that I loved her.
Then I got drunk,
and she called her mom, and...
She's going brown.
She wants to marry a brown man.
- Schmidt...
- Schmidt!
- Hey, man.
- Hey...
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hold it right there.
Let it go, man.
- Let it go.
- Okay.
How'd you guys
get out of your ties?
Hey...
Hey.
What can I get you
to drink, Angie?
Oh, no, I don't...
I just want to...
hang out.
I've got this rule.
Never cross the bar.
And I broke that rule, and...
Look, these 18 inches of oak
are the only thing
that separates me
from guys like Sid over there.
No disrespect.
I got your next round.
Well, I don't have any rules.
Don't do... don't...
No customers...
...behind the bar.
Oh, Sid, you gotta...
You're killing me.
Sit down and
drink your beer.
I'm a man with feelings.
Feelings that are bubbling up
inside of me, and...
...they're about to explode.
I'd like for those feelings
to explode on you.
You got this, dawg.
Look at you, dawg.
Look at you!
Look at your face, dawg!
Look at your face!
You got this, son!
# Well, I love you #
# And I've never
said those words #
# Well, I love you,
from the bo... #
these old matches.
- Man, these were legendary.
- Camel clutch!
That's not
a camel clutch.
That is
a camel clutch.
Gentlemen, hi.
I'd just like a moment
of your time.
- Jess, you can't turn that off.
- If I may.
I have a word that's
gonna change your life.
The answer is already "no."
- Bathtub.
- Bathtub's two words.
- It's one word.
- Bathtub is two words.
How come I'm James Brown?
When you don't smile
for my pictures, you get replaced.
You come home
after a long,
hard day at work.
- Tired.
- You want to relax, but how?
How about soaking
in a glorious
bubbly pool for one?
Sipping the nectar
of the gods.
I don't get it...
is this bath water?
Might as well be;
It's rosé.
Burn notice,
France.
- Now that I'm working again,
- Don't do this.
I'd really love to come home
and soak in a beautiful bathtub.
Bathtubs are Medieval
filth cauldrons... pass.
Yeah, it's a waste
of money, Jess.
I'm not interested in simmering
in testicle tea for 20 minutes.
Loft vote.
- No.
- No.
Feel like I'm at a garden party,
haven't even left home.
Winston, what are you talking
about... loft vote, no.
What, yeah, no,
duh, of course.
- Okay, you know what... loft vote...
- Nay.
- Loft vote.
- Nay.
Loft vote, I'm turning
wrestling back on.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Camel clutch! Camel clutch!
- No.
# Who's that girl? #
# who's that girl? #
# it's Jess. #
Hey, Schmidt.
- Ooh, hey. - Want to pitch on
the new Double V campaign?
I'm all about the Double V...
what is that?
It's a new vodka, yeah.
Filled with vitamins...
Double V?
What do you think?
You know, I've never
been considered
to run an account before.
Wait a min...
Wait, is this just
is this because we used
to... bingity-bangity?
No, of course not.
Take a look
at the specs
and come into my office tomorrow
in your best suit,
and, uh, blow me away
with your take.
My best suit...
I can put on my best suit.
Okay.
Wasted project, Nick, huh?
Herringbone?!
How did you get in here?
To schmidt.
Sleeping his way
to the top.
Cheers to me.
I hope
you like it.
I poured that one for you.
Drink it up.
This is coming off weird...
it's creepy, right?
- Go get her.
- I can't do that.
- I can't talk to thirsty.
- Thirsty?
I don't know her name,
so I call her Thirsty.
- Thirsty Mendelson.
- Oh, you made her Jewish?
- I didn't make her Jewish.
- Mendelson? She's not Jewish?
- Well, Thirsty. - If her last
name's Mendelson, she's Jewish.
Tell you what her first name is, too...
It's Rachel.
Get out of my head...
you're kind of ruining my thing right now.
What I have with
thirsty is perfect.
She's surly like I'm surly,
and she rolls her eyes
at everybody
like I roll my eyes
at everybody.
She likes to drink
in the afternoon.
And I like to drink
in the afternoon.
- Go talk to her.
- No, I can't.
That breaks the first rule
of bartending...
never cross the bar.
'Cause once you cross
the bar, it gets messy.
Rudy just wants her $200 back.
Come on, neither of you has
the right bra for this.
Excuse me, have you seen Rhonda?
Have you seen the ferret lady?
Why am I doing this?!
Never cross the bar.
Your rules have
gotten you so far.
- Classic Nick Miller.
- You got it.
Jess.
You want to help me at the
jukebox really quick?
Oh, my God, yes... I've always
wanted to do this with you.
Well, I was gonna go
"Raspberry Beret," but...
If we're gonna go Prince,
I think we should go, like...
Jess, I want to talk to you
about your bathtub pitch.
I love baths... I do.
Back in Latvia,
we had a great tub.
But I tell you what...
there are parts of my butt
only a tub can clean.
Ew, but okay!
Okay, here's
what we're gonna do,
so the guys don't know.
We're gonna split
the 400 bucks for the tub.
Then we can hide it on the roof
and install it in the middle
of the night, and then
we can just pretend like you
did it without our permission.
Or we could just...
say that you wanted a tub, too.
How about we just keep this
a Jess and Winston thing?
- Hey, Cece, you okay?
- Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good;
Just broke up with Robby.
I'll make you a drink.
- What ha... what happened?
- Um,
I told him I had to start
getting serious
about having kids and he said,
"Okay, that's cool."
But then that's all he said
for the next eight hours,
and he hasn't said
anything to me since.
So terrible.
I just, I can't even...
- Mm-hmm.
- Wow.
I mean that's...
but I mean...
There's... cool.
It's cool.
- 'Cause you're single. You're single.
- Really subtle stuff.
- She's single now; technically, you're single...
are you not single? - Schmidt!
I have to get serious
about my future,
otherwise my mom is going
to set me up
with a hundred sweet, gentle,
painfully boring Indian guys.
Oh, my God, your mother.
I want to control your life.
That's how my
parents met and they had
a beautiful, healthy marriage.
I respect your parents...
I do.
I respect everything that...
look what they've created.
Look at that... look at
your beauty, with your hair.
I'd eat it out of a bowl,
your hair.
I'd put it in a bowl
and I'd eat your hair.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Cece.
I-I know it's unexpected
that I'm here.
It's because I wanted
to tell you something.
You're my boo.
You're my boo
and I'm... and I'm...
I been missing you.
I been missing you
oh, so long.
You know what's weird?
I don't find this weird anymore.
What's your problem, Nick... how
long you been standing there?
How much of that did you hear?
I'm in love, man.
I'm in love with Cece.
Everyone knows that,
you dumb-ass.
- You always have been.
- I gotta tell her, man.
You should do that, Schmidty,
that sounds great.
- Do I have your blessing?
- Do you have my blessing?
Yeah. I don't think you
need my blessing, big guy.
- Just kind of do your thing. - I would
like your blessing. You're my best friend.
- I want your blessing. - Schmidt, fine,
you got my blessing, okay? Just...
What is this?
Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
I need this.
Come on, please, give me,
give me a hug, Nick.
Please, just give me a hug!
I want... Ow!
Good stuff.
- Thank you, Nick.
- Come on!
All right, looks good...
no leaks.
We did it.
Yeah, we did.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
It's flooding!
- Do something!
- No, no, no, no, no!
I've never wished
I was dead more.
Schmidt's gonna freak out.
He once told me he spent $300
on a pocket square.
No!
Am I overreacting?
Eh, that's about right.
There you go...
good as new.
So, I've, uh, handled
this one-man job,
any two-man jobs
you want us to tackle?
I think we're good.
Thanks, Remy.
You sure there's not something
else that needs fixing?
Maybe in the...
lady's bedroom?
Uh, yeah, I think we're done...
thank you, Remy.
I will return your ladder
when I feel like it.
Thank you, bye.
He's so weird.
Um, okay, so, phase two.
Didn't Schmidt make us
get renter's insurance
when he almost tore down
that rafter with the sex swing?
Jess, we fake a robbery.
We fake a robbery
for the insurance.
That's a great idea.
We're a couple of meth-heads.
- Oh, yeah.
- Boom.
Got any meth?
Got any rings
on your fingers?
I need them for meth.
Get it all, get it all, get
it all, get it all, get it all.
Whoa! Do we have to steal
my moustache trimmer?
This is worth three bowls
of sweet, sweet meth.
- This? This?
- No.
No.
This?
I just don't think
the meth-heads
would want
anything in this room.
What about this?
A land line?
To me, it looks
like a meth sandwich.
Don't hog all the meth, daddy.
Did you hit this already?
- No, did you?
- No.
What are you doing?
You're smothering
me, all right?
I'm done with this!
At least leave your wallet!
I'm out of here!
Would you like a whiskey?
What?
I said that because I know you
like whiskey.
You're a whiskey girl, like me.
You're a whiskey girl?
I'm Nick.
I'm Angie.
Angie...
Angie, Angie.
Well, what are you
standing there for?
Go grab a bottle
and get me drunk, idiot.
Well, I-I couldn't drink
with you... I work here.
Just kidding, I get drunk,
like, all the time.
I've got a drinking thing.
You got it.
I also have all the access to
pistachios if you want, like, a full...
I'll make my own mind
up on that.
He took my
doctor's appointment suit!
He took El Capitan!
Damn it!
The only thing he left was
my summer suit
with the lightning bolt
on the back.
I keep that in my
summer bin along with
my summer condoms...
citrus-flavored,
for a more refreshing
summer experience.
- That's a jar...
- Jar for sure, yeah.
Look at this...
took my suits.
Left the...
left the douche bag jar.
Typical meth-head.
- Typical meth-head.
- Yeah, it's a shame.
Good thing that I have
a security camera in there.
I'm gonna download
the footage
and I.D. this S.O.B.
He's going down.
I respect the amount you drink...
- Oh,
- FYI these drinks
- aren't free.
- Wow, well, joke's
on you 'cause Mike left
with all my money.
Oh, really!
Then how you gonna
pay for the drinks?
Oh... probably with sex?
Sorry...
That is not pretty.
Well...
I was gonna let you
have sex with Mike.
- Oh...
- What? It's good.
That was an old switcheroo.
I just want to say
you two, uh...
What?
- No, no, I don't want to say.
- Come on, what?
I don't want to say.
I don't feel like it's...
- The point is it's not my...
- What are you afraid of?
- You're thinking it. - I'm not afraid, but...
He's kind of an ass... damn it!
You think I should
break up with Mike?
No, no, that is not
my place to...
- Well, you did; it is your place.
- But I've been drinking with you,
and I feel like you're
luring me in... Dump his ass!
Damn it.
I can't believe
you'd say that to me.
You should mind
your own business.
So many years of footage.
This is
from last May.
I was trying to add
an extra ab muscle.
Jess, I can't take this...
This is when I was experimenting
with faux hawks.
- I can't, I can't, I can't
take it, Jess. - You can.
- You're gonna blow this.
- My face is numb.
This is when I was lowering
my bar sexually.
- Why is my face numb?
- Okay, I'm gonna say this once.
- Tighten up.
- Okay, yeah.
I can't believe
this is happening.
It's such an important day.
What's happening today?
I just have to look good.
Okay? Not like
some Ukrainian dentist.
Oh, my God.
- Jess, I'm dying.
- What's wrong with you.
I'm dying, Jess.
Jess, pretend you're
not seeing this...
Schmidt, this isn't
a good time.
Cece, please.
Just... just open the box.
You brought a pigeon
into my house?
I couldn't find a dove.
Come on, Beatty.
It's... it was supposed to fly
out when you opened up the lid.
- What are you doing?
- I love you, Cece.
And I have been in love
with you for so long.
I used to think
it was just
a heavy like, but...
it's love.
- There it goes.
- Is this real?
For you?
Yes.
Cece, I'm ready for
a serious commitment.
I'm up for a huge
promotion at work.
I'm ready to have kids with you,
if that's what you want.
You want to have kids?
Let's go right now,
let's go make a kid.
Take your top off.
Schmidt, my mother...
she's gonna hate you.
Okay? You're Jewish.
She hates Jews; I mean,
she really hates them.
Everybody hates the Jews.
Your mom's in the majority.
I'll convert to Indianism.
Hindi... Hindi-is...eh?
Indiani-Indi...
Indi-Buddhi-ism?
Schmidt, we have so much
going against us.
Let's have dinner.
Tonight.
Okay.
Cool. No, yeah, cool.
Just give me a second.
Ah... yes!
I'm sorry.
Wiston, are you out of your head?
Security camera.
What are you doing?
Schmidt has a security camera.
Why did I think he didn't
have a security camera?
Oh. You're a briefs man.
I was hoping
I'd never find out.
Oh, my goodness, we should not
have gone for that tub.
I just like
bubbles so much...
Winston, I think you're
having a panic attack.
Hmm?
Shut up, hey, Jess, no.
I'm, uh... this is
just the willies.
The w... the what?
The... the willies?
The willies, yeah.
It's the same thing
that happened when I
took my driver's test.
Go ahead and
start the car.
No! No!
A lot of people
get panic attacks.
- The willies.
- My dad used to get them all the time.
Like, every time
he had to make a left turn.
It would take him
two and a half hours
to drive me to school.
We'd just drive all around
Portland, making right turns.
- Okay.
- It's okay.
- Okay.
- It's really okay.
Are you going to tell
anybody about my underwear?
Look, I really want to.
But I won't.
- Where is he?
- It's over, Mike.
- Where's Nick?
- Just stop... just stop it.
Hey. You Nick?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm not Nick.
Nick has pinkeye!
I'm Ricardo!
- Let Nick go!
- Ricardo? Ricardo? This is Nick, huh?
(Speaking fake Spanish)
You're a dead man!
I had it handled!
He was gonna kill you.
I've seen him do it.
- I know someone at work who can
stitch him up. - Okay, let's get him
- stitched up right now.
This is disgusting. - Okay.
I'm out there every night,
balling to the max,
and you expect me
to do what,
just stop and chew up
some cherry-flavored multi-V?
No, thanks.
I'll take my vitamins
on the rocks. Double V.
Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.
You gotta get specific
about this vodka.
- Have you tried Double V?
- No.
Let's open up this bitch.
Let's open up... okay.
- Um... I kind of...
- We're going to do every vitamin,
in alphabetical order.
Each shot that you do,
makes me know you're
going that extra mile.
- Emma, I really... - Is there something
more important than work?
- What?
- Okay.
- But you said...
- No, I... no, no, no.
Let's-let's just...
all right, we'll do it.
Don't feel weird, Winston.
Everybody has their
weird thing.
Even me.
Look, I'm gonna tell you
something about myself.
I am really claustrophobic.
- Jess, I don't believe you.
- No, seriously, watch.
- You seem fine to me.
- I seem fine,
but if I close the door,
it's gonna feel
like I'm dying...
even more than
a real death.
It just feels like death...
plus more death.
Okay, this is silly.
Just come on.
But I'm gonna be okay, because
I know you're out there.
- Mm-hmm.
- And you can help me...
Oh, my God...
Okay...
- Oh, my God. Let me out!
- Jess, this is not... this is not funny, Jess.
- Can you open up the door?
- Jess?
It's closed!
Oh, my God, Jess, the door is stuck.
- It's so hot in here!
- Jess, the door is stuck!
- Oh, my God! - Jess, come on,
now, this is not funny.
- Oh, my God... Oh, my God... Oh!
- Jess, this is not... oh, my goodness, is it hot?
- So you're not a nurse?
- Who said I was a nurse?
Stitches... you said somebody
at work can do stitches.
Who does stitches
at a strip club?
Someone need stitches?
Let me get my needle
and my bifocals.
Be right back.
Okay, let's get you down
right next to that dirty pole.
There? That? Okay, good.
Th... really nice place.
Uh, this is where you work.
You the ticket-taker?
- No, I'm a stripper.
- Yeah.
But what is it
that you do here?
- Stripper. - Because college is
so expensive these days...
- I'm a stripper.
- But only topless.
- Completely naked.
- Mike, where's my taco?
What happened? What happened?
Uh, he remembered that
he was married to you,
so he tried to beat the memory
out of his brain with a brick.
- Oh, he's married...
- You stupid bitch!
Oh, not okay!
Ladies!
Stop fighting!
Hey, hey!
Stop this now!
Don't stop this!
I'm super aroused!
I think I just
became a dirt bag.
Why did I cross the bar?
I did it.
- I'm here for dinner. I made it.
- It's really late.
We got the account.
I was with my boss, we got the account.
- We did it.
- You were with your boss?
What?
- No. - The woman who made
you sign a contract
- so she could have sex
with you, your boss? - No.
No. Uh...
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
No... but nothing happened.
She just wanted me
to taste the V.
That came out wrong.
- Yeah.
- I thought about...
I thought about
the boss's boobs once.
They're still real nice,
but I didn't have no connection
to them emotionally, whatsoever.
Nothing.
Cece, I can pay
for our baby's college now.
Literally anywhere
they want to go.
UCLA, UMass...
any of the U schools.
- I love you so much.
- You should probably...
Oh, not...
It's okay.
Cece, I'm gonna
pee in my summer suit.
Hey, Mom, it's me.
I think I'm ready to
have you set me up.
This is not a prank.
Call me back.
- Oh, thank God.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Thank you, man.
- I see.
If you guys have been
playing hard to get,
you don't have to.
I am totally ready
to get mixed up in this
choco-vanilla shake.
No.
Yeah, you know what
I'm talking about here.
- I'm just talking about...
- Yes... I know, I know.
We got it, we got it, Remy.
- ...doing it with-with both of you.
- We got it. Yeah.
Three...
This never happened.
Jess, I just want
to say thank you.
You know, I thought
I was the only crazy one,
but it turns out
you're nuts as well.
Oh, I'm straight-up
bananas, Winston.
Next time that happens to you,
just come to me, and I'll
help you keep your pants on.
So what are we gonna do
about Schmidt's suits?
I feel like there's
a very obvious solution.
Oh, come on! Again?
Thank God.
The meth-heads came back.
They brought your suits back
'cause they don't fit them.
They did the right thing,
'cause they're
- drug addicts, they're not monsters.
- Right.
They actually got them
dry-cleaned, um...
deluxe package, very pricey.
Why'd he tie you up?
They kept saying, like,
"Ah, I'm so hungry for
more meth," you know?
"Let's get rid of these suits.
These clean... suits."
Jess and I want a tub.
We want candles
and bubbles.
Oh, damn it, Schmidt,
we want bubbles, man.
I want to cover everything
up on my body with bubbles.
You know, and then just
blow 'em off like this...
and laugh, like...
Get a tub, man.
Let's get a tub; I don't care.
- Hey.
- You okay?
What's wrong?
I told Cece that I loved her.
Then I got drunk,
and she called her mom, and...
She's going brown.
She wants to marry a brown man.
- Schmidt...
- Schmidt!
- Hey, man.
- Hey...
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hold it right there.
Let it go, man.
- Let it go.
- Okay.
How'd you guys
get out of your ties?
Hey...
Hey.
What can I get you
to drink, Angie?
Oh, no, I don't...
I just want to...
hang out.
I've got this rule.
Never cross the bar.
And I broke that rule, and...
Look, these 18 inches of oak
are the only thing
that separates me
from guys like Sid over there.
No disrespect.
I got your next round.
Well, I don't have any rules.
Don't do... don't...
No customers...
...behind the bar.
Oh, Sid, you gotta...
You're killing me.
Sit down and
drink your beer.
I'm a man with feelings.
Feelings that are bubbling up
inside of me, and...
...they're about to explode.
I'd like for those feelings
to explode on you.
You got this, dawg.
Look at you, dawg.
Look at you!
Look at your face, dawg!
Look at your face!
You got this, son!
# Well, I love you #
# And I've never
said those words #
# Well, I love you,
from the bo... #