New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 11 - Santa - full transcript

You know, maybe
I found out too early.

I was five years old when "Santa"
gave me my own fire truck

and a teddy bear
that smelled

like my dad's cigarettes.

That's not Santa.

I just believe things
and go on believing them.

If someone tells me a fat man's
bringing me dolls every year,

- I just don't question it.
- You would've been my nightmare.

We were on very strict
instructions from Rabbi Schmulie

not to say a word until the last

Christian kid found out
about Santa Claus.



Ruining Christmas,
very bad for our brand.

Well, whether or not
Santa's real, it's just

nice to have something
to believe in.

Did you just say
"Whether or not Santa's real"?

- You don't believe in
Santa Claus, do you? - No.

Do I wish Santa was real?

- I mean, yeah.
- Santa's not real, Winston.

Shut up, stupid!
You're a dummy!

So... and...
I don't even c...

Like, you're the...
Okay, aw, here we go.

You know what, look who's talking.
You're the same guy

who only eats mayonnaise
on game days.

That's how you makee
the Chicago Bears win.

Hey, Winnie,
were you a good boy this year?



Oh, really?

Stop, guys, stop!

Don't throw
the cranberries!

- Get him!
- Stop!

- I don't mess around!
- No!

- Truce! Truce! Truce!
- Go for the eyes!

Truce! Truce!

One got stuck in my ear.

We got a cranberry
in his ear.

How is that
even possible?

Why don't you ask
Santa Claus to take

- the cranberry out of your ear?
- Huh?!

I said it got stuck in my ear!

Truce! Truce! Truce! Truce!

* Who's that girl?

* Who's that girl? *
* It's Jess.

These pieces don't
make a full berry.

There's definitely something
still stuck in there.

Hey, would anybody mind giving me
a ride to the airport tomorrow?

Full disclosure:

It's out of San Diego
at 3:00 a.m.

So tonight's our last chance
for a holiday hang-together?

A group hang on the
Saturday before Christmas?

No, sorry, I can't
tonight, Jess. Office party.

There are literally millions
of parties. It's a puzzle as...

That's what you guys
are talking about, right?

I mean, it's not like
I can hear anything,

because I got a cranberry
stuck in my ear!

- You're yelling.
- Huh?

Slade and Sienna
are having a house thing.

Oshiro-San is serving
whale meat after midnight.

- Huh? What y'all talking about?
- Shut up.

Sadie is having
a cookie-decorating party.

The gorilla twins
are having a thump-thump.

Let's try to hit all
the parties we can.

Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay
home and try not to call Sam.

- What'd you say?
- I'm gonna die alone.

And merry Christmas.

- We have to hang out together.
- I hate that idea.

I'll be designated driver.

- I'm in.
- Okay, yeah, let's do it.

The only we make this work

is if we do the Irish good-bye.

We leave the parties
without saying good-bye.

And I'm asking you guys
as my friends to not be

so damn awkward around
my stripper girlfriend,

just 'cause she's a stripper.

You are the most awkward.

You should probably stop calling
her your "stripper girlfriend."

She's unpredictable
and exciting,

and I love that!

Ol' Nick Miller

lives on the edge now.
Vroom! Vroom!

And plus,

we haven't had sex yet,
and we might tonight.

I understood that!

Oh, yeah!

What'd you say, though?

* On the first day
of Christmas *

* My true love gave to me
a partridge... *

Merry Christmas!

Am I talking too loud?

- Schmidt?
- What?

- A word?
- What?

You haven't said one word to
Cece since she got in the car.

I cannot believe
that you invited her.

She's my best friend.

- Hey, can I talk to you a little later?
- Oh, were you hoping that

I still had some soul left
for you to crush?

I'm glad we're gonna be
mature about this.

Whoa, what happened there?

Nothing. He told her
that he loved her...

Okay, I just want
to spend the night

making it with some fatty
in an elf costume.

Is that too much to ask for?

Instead I'm stuck here

at this Lesbian
cookie party.

It's all wreaths, no trees.

All right, Jess,

you're on the clock;

You have five minutes
in this party black hole.

- Your friends are cool.
- Yeah, no, no, I like them.

- Yeah, they...
- I live with them.

But being serious,
it's been really fun.

I'm glad we're hanging out and spending
time together and all that good stuff.

You know,
to be completely honest,

when I first met you,

I didn't think that
you could handle this.

Handle what? The fact
that you're a stripper?

- Me being... Yeah.
- Are you kidding?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Is it good?
You're sweating a little bit.

You know what, lady, I was born
on the wrong side of the tracks.

I've had tetanus
thrice in my life.

- Ew. - And look at what a
badass cookie I made.

That's the kind of cookie
Nick Miller makes.

- Fine, look at my cookie.
- What?

Yeah, but there
are people here.

Are you not into having
sex around people?

Who are you talking to?

- Yeah? - I'm so open with
sex, it's ridiculous.

You could at least
take your coat off.

Oh, but I can't.

Pastel walls
give me the chills.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Oh, my God!
- What?

- What...
- It's Sam! It's Sam! Put your coats on.

- We're leaving.
- Sam Sam? Where?

Yes, he's right over there.

He's talking to a woman
whose sexuality

I won't jump to
conclusions about.

What a situation,
huh, Jess?

Forced to spend time
with someone

who ruthlessly
rejected you

after you told him
how much you cared about him.

- Maybe...
- Damn, he looks good.

Just wants everyone
to get along.

Okay, if he wanted
everybody to get along...

I'm seriously freaking out
right now.

...then he wouldn't have acted
like such a callous lady jerk.

- Lady jerk?
- Lady jerk.

I'm seriously
freaking out right now.

- Duck! He's gonna see you.
- Ow. We have to get out

of here, you guys.
Where is everybody?

Yeah, man, see,
when a cranberry gets lodged

in the ear, it hurts.
Look.

- Psst, Winston.
- Hey!

Do you guys know
Sam's here?

- Jess? - We're Irish good-bye-ing.
Go! Go!

- Go?
- Go, go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

All right, Schmidt,
what's the address?

Get ready, last year
this party had acrobats

and caged snow leopards.

What?!

We're all here together.
No drama.

- Not bad, Schmidt.
- Thank you.

Are they just gonna play
computer music all night?

What are you talking about?
That's a really respected deejay,

who was also an actor
on Boy Meets World.

- Hey, Jess. Whoa, Sam.
- What?!

No!

Why is this happening? No.

Please, I need to talk...
Oh, God.

No. Oh, my...

Oh, I feel
like a bird.

Aw, that's just sad.

- How are you here?
- Winston told me

where the party was in
exchange for an ear exam.

Winston told you what?!

What?

Jess, listen to me.

I want you back, Jess.

Oh.

Oh!

Are none
of these doors?

Oh!

What, he just wants a relationship
now, out of the blue?

You never just dreamed
about him crawling back to you?

Anybody who's ever been dumped

has dreamed about
that special someone

crawling their way back to them.

I mean, come on, right?
It's the dump fantasy.

Let's workshop
that term.

Of course I have.

We meet

in a hospital, during wartime.

You can forgive a lot
during wartime.

That is a
fantasy, Jess.

Okay, people don't change.

They just think
that they do.

He's a player.
Think about it.

Why would a good-looking
person ever become a doctor?

Jess?

Oh, my God!
Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go.

- Door...
- Jess?

Jess, uh, I don't know
if you're in here.

I just wanted to
tell you that...

I messed up.

You know, I-I went
to that party to see you.

I knew you were gonna
be there, 'cause I saw

the comments on the Evite.

"Amazeballs, can't wait."

If you are here, I'm sorry if
this sounds a little rehearsed.

This is the third room
I've done this in.

Hey, what's he saying?

- I want to hear...
- Shut up, Winston.

Jess?

- Jess?
- Yep.

No.

You just think
you can come back

and I'm just gonna be
waiting for you?

No, of course not.
I mean...

I had to at least try.

You're too late.

I'm in love.

What?

With Winston.

What?

We've lain together.

No, yeah, I don't know
how it happened.

It just got stuck up there
so far, so quickly.

The relationship.

You know, sometimes
when we're hanging out,

it can get a little rough.

- Oh, boy, does it.
- Yeah.

All right. Well, I didn't
know that, so...

What's going on? I feel like
I'm missing something.

Snow time.

Hey, what are you doing?
No, no, no.

Hey, everything is so expensive
here, Angie.

Don't. Get off that thing.

Why don't you get on?

You know what?

Get in the sleigh, girl.

What happens in the sleigh?

What happens in the sleigh

- is I'll be your reindeer...
- Uh-huh.

And take your toys
up in the sky.

Sexy.

Ooh! Ho ho ho!

Here comes the
chubby Santa boy!

Get in here.

This is real.

We are...
This is...

You are quick
to the belt.

Let's do this.

You have been Taken.

What's that?

A nearly perfect Liam Neeson.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

No! This isn't...

This is my nightmare!

Merry Christmas!

Oh.

Hey. I know... I know
you're trying to avoid me,

but just take this gift
I got you and I will walk away.

I don't celebrate Christmas,
okay? Or as I like to call it,

White Anglo-Saxon Winter
Privilege Night.

I really want us
to be friends.

Whenever you're ready.

Because I really do
care about you.

Thank you so much for this.

'Cause this
makes it so much better.

Here. This is for you.

What if you came
home with me tonight?

You look like a hot elf.

- Hold still.
- Uh-huh.

Got it.

Oh, thank you, thank
you, thank you, man.

Now that I think about it,
I mean, I'm not really

surprised by you and...
you know.

I mean, three guy roommates.

If I really am being honest
with you,

you were the only one
that I was really threatened by.

I mean, you got
Metrosexual Jones

and Sweatshirt Guy over there.

What are we
talking about here?

Yeah, I would trade places
with you in a heartbeat.

You know,
except for the mustache.

Can I ask you something?
How did you get her?

Oh...

Hmm.

Jess.

Yes.
Yes, my love.

Honey, we both know we have been
unhappy for far too long.

I am not just a vehicle you get
to ride to Pleasure Town.

Be gone, honky!

This is for your own good.

Say good-bye
to paradise, honey!

We were never going out.

Yeah, I got that.

I mean, Sam, what am
I supposed to think?

So what? I'm just
supposed to believe you

when all of a sudden
you come back to me,

and you tell me you
want to make it work?

I-I want to believe you,
but I just feel so...

No!

No! Why do you think
you can just kiss me?

I thought that was the right...

That's all this ever was to you.

- That's not true, Jess.
- No.

No. I'm always so gullible,
and I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm done.

Oh, I mean, I get it.

I'm... I'm too late.
I messed up.

Yeah, you did.
You messed up.

Well, I'll leave you alone.
Merry Christmas.

No!

I'm leaving you alone.

I know... I know you do this
kind of thing all the time,

but believe it
or not, I don't.

What? What does that mean?

Look, I know for you,
this kind of stuff is normal.

- Oh.
- Doing it in sleds.

- And...
- Oh, this is because I'm a stripper.

Yeah.

- Are you laughing at me?
- No.

I'm laughing into me.

- Maybe you just can't handle this.
- No. It's great.

You're a stripper for now.
I'm a bartender for now.

- For now?
- We're not gonna be that for...

Okay, well, for now,
I'm just gonna walk away.

For now, you can kiss my ass.

Nick Miller... turning lemonade
into lemons since 1981.

Up on the housetop.

Click, click, click.

You know, I just want
to say what's up to all

my girls in the county
looking so lovely,

like you always
sometimes do.

* Ho, ho, ho,
who wouldn't go? *

* Ho, ho, ho...

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing
in this place?

Um...

And we're back,
and I'm Dr. Gavin Daytona.

You are live on the radio.
We got a caller Wendy.

You are on the phone with
the doctor. What have you got?

Hey. Hey, Doctor.

This is Dr. Gavin. You're live
to five million people.

- I actually, I-I had a guy...
- Oh, yeah, you did.

- I really liked him.
- Wah, wah!

I'm right not to
believe him, right?

I don't know, actually.

I think you're the kind of girl
a guy would come back for.

Buh, buh, buh.

It was a bracelet.

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

Tungsten carbide,
because you said

that was the most baller metal.

That's what Statham wore
in all the Transporter movies.

I just wanted to try
to find a way to say thank you

for telling me
that you loved me.

Even if I was the wrong person.

You're welcome, Cece.

But love is stupid, okay?

It is a lie.

So, bah humbug
to you, Cecilia.

Bah humbug.

Bah...

humbug.

* Up on the housetop,
click, click, click... *

Where is your girlfriend?

I blew it.

She's so out there
and adventurous,

and not afraid, and...

She's probably bored
of me already.

I mean, she doesn't
want to be here.

Does Angie ever do anything

she doesn't want to do?

No.

What's wrong with a girl that's
fearless? I think that could

be good for you, especially
since you're such a chicken.

Don't.

Go get her.

Is this on?

It's on.

Right on. Cool.

Um... Angie?

I just want to say publicly
that I'm an idiot.

I couldn't just put myself
out there all the time.

It's too scary.

I'm not as brave as you,
but here goes.

I'm very poor.

Having a checking account
would be an honor.

I'm a writer.

I've written a zombie book.
It's terrible.

I'm a slow runner.

I'm obsessed with karate.

Yeah, yeah.

You are the scariest thing
in the world.

And you're so goofy
to be going out with me.

And I don't want to...

Thank you for...

Winston?

Why don't you do me
a favor, homeboy?

Sorry I called you homeboy.

But turn that damn music up.

'Cause I'm about
to get sexy up in here.

* Deck the halls
with boughs of holly *

* Fa la-la la-la,
la, la, la, la *

-* 'Tis the season to be jolly...*
- Sexy?

- No. - Weird choice, but
I'm going for it.

* Don we now
our gay apparel... *

- Would you give me a second chance?
- * Fa la-la la-la, la, la, la, la *

Yeah.

Good. See, I know
what sexy is.

- What's happening?
- And I'm gonna show you

what kind of...

Huh? Oh.

Oh, no, no. Oh, okay.

Is this, is this a lap dance?

This...

This isn't happening.

* Follow me
in merry measure... *

Oh, yeah, that-that's
the stuff.

That-That's kind of the stuff.

Sexy.

* Fast away
the old year passes *

* Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... *

Let me show you how to do it.

* Ye lads and lasses

* Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

* Sing we joyous all together

* Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

* Heedless of the wind
and weather *

* Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... *

Okay, Angie, Angie,
you're doing it all wrong.

Okay, honey?

Let me just...

Eye contact.

* Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la... *

What are you doing?
You are as dumb as it gets.

* Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

* Don we now our gay a...

- What the hell?
- What are you doing?

I just... I-I'm sorry, I think
I made a mistake about Sam.

- I think I need to turn around.
- No, you didn't, Jess.

- You did the right thing.
- You're right, you're right.

- Aah, no!
- Oh, come on.

No, no, no.

- No, no, no, no.
- We are so busted.

Oh, Jess, you reek of booze.

Winston threw
a drink on me.

- Turn on the waterworks.
- Just take the jacket off.

We are so busted.

There's two of you?
Come on, I thought we were

in the middle
of a budget crisis.

Officer, I understand

how this looks and smells,

but I assure you, I would not
ever get behind the wheel

of a vehicle if I had had
even a drop to drink.

This has just been
the most crazy night.

And I'm not going to cry

because I believe
in traffic violations

and paying your debt to society,
but you have

- to believe...
- I believe you.

You do?

- Why?
- Jess, be cool.

Sometimes people tell the truth.

You drive safely,

and happy holidays.

- Was that...?
- Santa.

- Black Santa.
- We saw Santa.

It was Black Santa.

Santa Claus
isn't even real.

We got a black president,
we got a black Santa Claus.

It was not Black Santa Claus!

What a... that's ludicrous.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Now, what is he doing?

He should be at home
getting ready.

I believe.

I believe Sam

and I want to go see him.

To the Black North Pole!

We saw Black Santa.

Black Santa Claus?!

I am so sick of hanging out
with Christians.

This is my last
Christian Christmas.

- Hi, um, I'm here to see, um...
- Do you have

- family members in the hospital?
- Uh, no, uh...

Then, you're not here
to see anyone.

- Visiting hours are over.
- It's Christmas!

Okay, new plan.

We're carolers.

Gum?

Boobs?

Thank you.

FYI, I'm totally fine
with what just happened.

Schmidt, let's go,
let's go.

Look.

Jess, I still think
this is a mistake.

I mean, what if
he hurts you again?

Sometimes people tell
the truth, Schmidt.

Oh, thank you, Professor Cliché,

just in time for
the holidays.

Hold it. Oh, okay,
well, we should...

Um, madrigals.

* O come, all ye faithful

* Joyful and triumphant

* Matzo ball, Star of
David, Hanukkah *

* Gotta do what you wanna do
when you do it * * Menorah

* Come

* I don't know the words

* I don't know
the words... *

* I don't...

* Know

* The

* Wo-o-o-o-o-o-r...

* ...rds-ah!

Good stuff.

Yeah, thanks so much.
Thank you very much.

Okay, okay, everyone,
back in your rooms.

It's okay, I know
these people.

- It's okay.
- All right.

Thank you.

You came back.

Yeah, um...

Jess, I know that
you don't believe me,

but when we met, I...

this girl had
screwed me up.

I believe you.

* My friends wanna know how it
came to be that, ooh *

All right, you're
in a hospital, so...

A lot of hands.

All right, Doctor,
ease up, ease up.

* 'Cause I caught Santa
under my tree... *

Cab it
to the next party?

Yes.

Cece, do you want to come?

I mean, I think there's
a cab stand, uh...

Uh, maybe it's down that way.

Could be over there,
I don't know.

I didn't really give it away,
you know.

I'd never do that.

Happy Hanukkah.

Happy Moon Festival, Cece.

Nope, not a thing.

Happy Carnaval.

You should stop
while you're ahead.

Uh, where are Nick and Angie?

Ugh, in a
children's hospital.

Sexual animals,
sexual animals.

Shameless, just shameless.