New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 12 - Cabin - full transcript

Just come, Nick. Why not?

Angie and I are not
romantic weekend types.

Sounds like you need
some fresh air in a cabin

You're dating a stripper.

I'm dating a tall,
handsome doctor.

We're both kind
of living the dream.

We're not "dating."

What Angie and I have together

is pure anarchy

in like, a sexy, cool way.

- Oh, yeah? - Look at what she
did while I was sleeping.



Look at how cool that is.

She doodled on your armpit?

- It's not a doodle, it's a tat.
- Of poodle hair?

It's not poodle hair.
It's like the, uh...

Anyway, no to the cabin.

- All right.
- And why do you want us to come

on your romantic weekend anyhow?

I thought it was just supposed
to be you and the doctor.

Okay, I'm a little nervous.

I just need backup.

I want this weekend to be fun

and perfect

and lovely, and I want him
to look at me at the end and go,

"Jess, that was the best weekend
I ever had."



I'm glad you're keeping your
expectations at a reasonable level.

Come on, it'll be fun.

- Roast marshmallows,
- Yeah.

- Make a fire,
- Oh, yeah.

And sleep on a bear rug.

- You in?
- Ooh, no.

Jess, I'm sorry.
We're not going

- this weekend.
- All right.

But it's free.

- You say free?
- Yep.

Yeah, we're 100% in.

- I'll go pack now.
- Okay.

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess. ♪

Oh, wait, wait, wait,
keep this in mind, right?

Now, I have a spatula in
my hand the entire time,

and I'm looking her directly
in the eye, and I say,

"You're damn right
I want some cake."

Kind of weird.

Hey, what's up?
Guys, this is Schmidt.

Hey.

Ready to go?

Yeah, no, let's do it.

It's nice meeting you all.

Hey, uh, Winston,

who are those guys?

I don't know, I just met them
on the way to the bathroom.

But you were so light
and charming.

You were like Pixar Winston.

Yeah, we were
just chilling, man,

just having a conversation.

We can stay, if you want.

No, Schmidt,
I don't want to stay.

I want to eat.

Come on, man.

White Nick, brown Cece.

I'd like to have
a frank discussion about race.

Do you think that we're

allowing Winston
to be his blackest self?

- I'm not gonna do this. - Okay,
make sure Jess gets these, okay?

Guys, please, I'm being serious.

Okay, Schmidty,

I know that you're
being serious,

but look, Winston has been black
his entire life.

I think he knows how
to handle it.

We were out
the other night for drinks,

and well, he encountered
some members of his own,

and you should have seen
the way that he lit up.

I mean, he was like
a glow stick.

- This is terrible. - Whatever you
were gonna do, please do not.

- Just don't do it.
- I want to create

an environment within this loft
where Winston feels free,

where the gates are open.
Let's let Winston

turn on his-his black switch

and let his black light shine.

This is perfect.

Yes, it is a weekend
in the woods.

I'm just glad that we get
to spend some time together.

Yeah.

Hey.

Yeah!

Oh, look, it's Jackie O.

- Me? All right, thanks.
- Yeah, you.

Sorry we're late. I had to stop
and buy this bitch-ass a helmet.

Because he wouldn't
stop being a bitch-ass.

The helmet we got
at a rest stop,

the shades are mine.

Yeah.

Free cabin! Whoo!

It's actually
my boss's cabin.

- That's great! Whoo!
- Yeah! USA, USA!

Indian food, dinner? You down?

I thought maybe
we'd eat at a place

where you wanted to eat
at tonight, Winston.

As a strong black man.

What?

- What are you talking about?
- Hey, man, I get it.

There are just some nights
where I'm dying

for my zadie's egg salad,

pastrami piled a mile high,

some matzo, kreplach...

Let's eat some soul food.

Schmidt, I want Indian,
southern Indian.

Also, I got you something.

- Jah rastafari. - Take this
damn thing off my head.

Okay, I'm sorry.
You're right.

Forget the hat.
Just, I made a mistake.

I just...

Winston, tonight is about you.

I want to be the black friend
that you never had.

I have black friends, Schmidt.

I want you to feel supported.

I want you to be able
to do

the things that you don't feel
like I understand.

Okay. So that means
you're gonna do

- whatever I say?
- I mean, as long as it's gangster.

- Or not. It doesn't have to be gangster.
- Well, Schmidt,

I want to say thank you
for allowing me to be me

and I look forward to sharing

my people's culture
with you tonight.

I've never played
sexy Boggle before.

I'm gonna get into that later.

Ow-ooh!

Oops. Okay.

Hey, guys.

Sorry, we were just unpacking.

We could hear very clearly.
Very clearly.

Hey, you got
a high-pitched scream, man.

Yeah, I do.

So, you guys, we are
playing best of 35,

um, 'cause I thought you guys

were gonna hang out with us.

Oh, Angie,

this is my boss's cabin.

Oh! This is it!

Where were these
when we were having sex?

That's how I feel. What?

- Let's go shoot things.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Not scared.

- Just be careful, please.
- Good, yep.

Yeah!

All right, well...

- That's all right.
- Sam, are you having fun?

'Cause I really, really
want you to have fun.

- Course I am. I'm here with you.
- Good.

- You know?
- Okay, good.

Drink hot cocoa.

It's not much fun

without someone firing back.

You're amazing!

Wow!

That is not safe.

That is really reckless.

You want to shoot guns,
don't you?

Go on.

Guys, guys!
Save a bullet!

Could be a little bit closer.

Got to be kidding me.

How do you keep missing?

Come on!

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- No gun safety for us, right?

- Want to shoot?
- No, no, no, do not

give her a gun. She cannot
handle having a gun, trust me.

All right, you know what,
yeah, give me the boom stick.

The what? It's not called a boom stick.
It's a rifle. So...

What? Give me the rifle.

Oh, right.

Whoa, yeah, you know what?

I feel powerful.

Whoa! Come on now!

Come on! Hey!

Okay, all right.

- Nobody better...
- Hey! Jess!

- Hey!
- Jess, thanks.

Are you nuts?

- Here, all right, see that can?
- Yep.

- All right.
- But I need like, a back story.

Like, why am I mad at the can?

That can is your
ex-boyfriend, and, uh,

he did not
respect your space

and, um, thought that
your arts and crafts

- section of your house was ridiculous.
- What??

- And, right, done? Enough?
- Yeah. No. Yeah.

- Yeah. - Let me just square
your hips right there.

All right,

center your... there you go.

Now let me just move your hair.

- It's so pretty, really curly.
- Thanks.

Fantasy
and nightmare colliding.

Take a deep breath.

Congrats.

We have no power.

Uh...

I'm just gonna...

Whoa! Jess, that's it.
Let go of the rifle.

I mean it; You're done.
You're done.

Jess, I'm having a great time.

Oh, yeah, I'm so mad
at you right now.

Guys, I think that this
just turned into an adventure.

Look what I found
in the owner's closet.

Yes!

Thank you so much.

- You rule.
- This is good stuff.

See, making the best
of the night. Sweaters.

A little mothy.

- Look what else I found in
the owner's closet.- What?

Crème de menthe, guys.

Oh, get in here, girl.

Oh, body warmth.

Take a pull.

- Ooh, yeah.
- pass her over.

- Ooh, that's...
- Yeah.

That is not
crème de menthe.

That is, uh, the green fairy
right there.

It's absinthe.

Yeah, it's absinthe.

Absinthe?

- Absinthe...
- Nice.

Has killed so many

of our most famous painters.

Last time I tried absinthe,

I tried to put my car
in my pocket.

Come on.

Let's get crazy.

Come on, babe.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Perfect weekend!

- No, no!
- No!

Whoa, too much.

Oh, guys.

I don't feel anything.

Well, those were just the best

ribs that I've ever had.

Ooh, you ain't lying, child.

Thanks for dinner, Schmidt.

You know,
I really appreciate it, man.

- I do feel supported.
- So what's next?

There is this one thing
that I miss.

I probably shouldn't say, man.

- I can't.
- No, come on.

It's us, man.

Schmidt, I could really go
for some crack.

What?

Crack cocaine?

I remember when I was a kid,

me, my mom,

and her mom, and well, her mom,

and then her mom,
and then of course her mom,

and then my little cousin,
Peanut,

they'd all rush back
to that flaming trash can

where we'd sit around
and harmonize

and just... ♪ shoo-op. ♪

One of those
nights I remember,

well, we ran out of crack.

I'd grab my scarf,
and I would run on down

to the liquor store
where the thugs hang out,

and I would try to get
a good deal on some crack.

Whoo! They never would give me
a good price, man,

but, uh,
I tell you what,

there's nothing like the...
the feel of a fire,

a fresh-baked cookie,

and that sweet, sweet taste
of crack in your lungs.

Okay.

Okay, Winston, yeah.

Sure, I mean, if...

If that is something
that you want to do...

See, I knew you were
gonna judge me.

I knew it.

No, Winston.

I knew you were gonna judge me
and just...

Winston, listen to me.

Look...

if crack cocaine
is what you want

then crack cocaine is what
we are going to get.

How do we do this?

Here's what we do, Schmidt.
We go to the projects, okay?

We knock on some doors.

I'll wait in the car
and take lookout

while you do all the legwork.

Because as you say, you are
in much better shape than I am.

You do have
the body of a Smurf.

We could... We could just
get frozen yogurt.

It's not a big deal.

Schmidt isn't about
no frozen yogurt.

I want to go score
some crack cocaine.

Really?

We're gonna do this.

Look at them.
This is a cabin, guys.

Getting wasted on a couple
of shots of absinthe.

Word games, word games,

word games, word games,
word games.

Doctor! I was saying...

I don't think I feel it.

I can't believe
I'm the sober one.

That's actually never
happened in my life.

Who wants to play Charades?

Me.

One syllable,
one syllable.

Movie.

Gattaca.

Oh, I want to be them.

I have to run
upstairs for a sec.

I have it on good authority
my bed has disappeared.

I need to go check it out.

I got to head up there
and take care of that.

Oh, you-you're gonna
go upstairs?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Now?

Yeah.

Oh, ho-ho-ho, yeah.

Okay.

Have fun.

I will, I guess.

Up.

Doesn't sound good.

Oh, Jess.

- That sounded terrible.
- The absinthe

has found a new host.

The toilet.

Oh...

I like Angie.

She's cool.
It's kind of like

riding a poorly maintained
carnival ride.

I'm glad you get it.

I think she
really likes you.

All right.

Jeth... I'm not...
I'm-I'm with Jeth.

Hey, Nick,

look, we switched.

And look...
middle of the night...

What is the big deal?

I... why else did we all
go to a cabin together?

To hike?

Guys, I'm still
really feeling it.

I just can't believe
you'd do that to Nick.

She didn't do
anything to me.

We have an open
relationship.

She can do whatever

she wants.
I don't care.

Enough. I'm tired of you

acting like this cool guy

with an "open relationship."

That is not you.

Yes, it is, Jess.

Why won't you just
let me be me? This is me!

I'm sorry.
I just don't believe you.

You're not this guy.

No, no, no, I'm not
feeling good...

At least we don't pretend
to be this perfect couple.

I do not pretend
to be a perfect couple.

The only reason that we're here

is 'cause you
asked us to come,

'cause you didn't want

to be alone with Dr. Sam.

'Cause then you'd
have to be real with him.

Jess? Is that true?

Yes, but no...
it's out of context.

It's out of context, Nick.

You think you know
everything about me.

- I'm a rock and roll guy.
- You are the guy

who asks me to light
matches for you

'cause you're afraid your
fingers are gonna get too hot.

- I did that one time.
- Multiple times.

I was on the back of
a motorcycle earlier,

and I wasn't even that scared.

- You don't think I'm crazy?
- No.

Would a sane
man do this?

Oh!

Oh!

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, hold on.

You're doing it.
You're doing a lot of it.

You need to just pace
it a little bit...

Oh, whoa,
that...

you're really
doing it.

Whoa!

Well?

I suppose we could just get out and
ask any of these street youths.

I'll let you get
out the car first.

Go ahead, do your thing, man.

I don't want to ask
the wrong person

and end up with
some sub-par crack.

I want the fresh
crack, you know?

Not some crack that's been
laying around all day.

Ooh... I'm really
starting to schvitz.

We don't have to do this.
Man, we could just

turn this car around,
forget this ever happened,

and get you some
frozen yogurt.

I will not let you deny
who you are any longer.

Not on my watch.

- Schmidt...
- Hey, psst!

- Schmidt, no.
- Yes. Skee-you!

- Skee-you!
- Schmidt!

You, dude.

Don't call that man
to this car.

Hi, how are you this evening?

What do you
guys need?

It's cool,
just get in the car, man.

- What cool?
- Yeah, we're cool.

Schmidt, you did not invite
this guy in this car.

He could be crazy,
could have a gun.

- That's a racist thing to say, Winston, that he...
- Stop it, Schmidt...

Just assuming that
this man has a pistol.

Hi, sir.

How are you
this evening?

Um, the two of us
are very interested

in purchasing
some crack cocaine.

You guys cops?

- What?
- Okay, let me out.

Schmidt, Schmidt... I was
just messing with you, man.

Okay? I was just
trying to see

how far your stupid white
guilt would take you.

Have you ever
done crack?

Hell, no, I've never
done crack, man.

Why do you think I've done
crack? Because I'm black?

I thought you'd done crack
'cause you told me

- the whole story about you doing crack.
- I though you guys

just needed directions, okay?

- Let me out!
- Okay, sir,

- just calm down, all right?
- Oh, please, man.

- Be cool.- Fine, okay, look, you want it?
You want it? Look!

- Whoa! No!
- Oh my God, no!

- Look, my wallet.
- No! No!

Take my wallet!
Here's my wallet, okay?

Shoot the white dude!
Just let me out...

Shoot him! No, don't shoot me!

Shoot him, man!
But that's...

- That's your wallet.
- That's your wallet.

- Are you not robbing us?
- You're not robbing me?

- I don't want to rob you, man.
- I thought you were gonna...

I totally misread
the situation.

- I thought you was robbing me.
- Oh, no, man.

- Oh, hey, man, I'm Schmidt.
- Robert, man.

- Robert. Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure, man.

Robert, man, hey, man,
nice to meet you, man.

- What a nice smile he has. All right, guys.
- I'm just...

Okay. Here, I'll...
they're the child locks.

- I don't even have kids, but...
- You guys have a great night, okay?

- You, too, man. Be safe.
- Take care, Robert.

- Take it easy, man. - You guys have
a good night, man, all right.

That was insane.

- I was terrified. That...
- Oh, my goodness.

I judged...

- God, Robert!
- Robert...

I just...
the wallet?

- Oh, your wallet...
- Oh, your wallet.

- Just give him the wallet.
- I'm really sorry.

- Yeah, it's kind of...
- No, yeah, I get it.

I'd want my wallet back, too.

- Thank you.
- All right. Thanks, Robert.

- I wouldn't thank him.
- Whoa, man.

What a hilarious
misunderstanding.

- Schmidt, drive the damn car.
- No, you're right.

You know, I feel
so much better

after throwing up
into the fire.

Uh, Sam, can you pass the bread?

- Oh, sure thing.
- No, I'll pass the bread, Angie.

Just keep your hands to yourself
and let the bread come to you.

- Why do you keep taking my bread?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you and the bread
had an open relationship.

I said I was sorry.
I thought this was an agreement.

I thought we were all cool
with this. I don't...

Absinthe!

Fun dinner.
Fun dinner.

I always have fun at the cabin.

You guys want to
pick my brain?

You guys want to know
what I'm thinking about?

I like dogs more than cats.

I like chipmunks
more than squirrels.

I believe in UFOs.

I once had a bass teacher,

when I was younger,
who did the standing bass.

And he had a very weird smell,
and I still think about it.

His name was Mr. Hilton.

I don't like the fact that
you tried to kiss Sam.

Because I have feelings
for you, Angie.

I'm... I had no idea, I'm sorry.

I know.
We said it was open, but...

I'm proud of you
for saying that.

Dr. Sam?

If you were a hat,
you'd be a top hat.

But like a really
big Monopoly one.

And I say that
of the deepest compliments.

Appreciate it.

Winston, I'm sorry.
I was just trying to help.

What, help me realize
that I'm black?

Schmidt, believe it
or not, man,

I've known that
for a while now.

I just feel bad you're forced
to live here with Jess and Nick.

- Oh, wow.
- I mean, they're honky as hell.

And look at our people. Look what
we've given to this country.

Jazz...

The management of
jazz musicians.

But, look, Schmidt,
being black means

whatever I want it to mean.

You know, the fact
of the matter is

I live in a loft
with three people

who happen to be white.

But believe you me,

there is so much more

that I find annoying about you

that I haven't even
gotten to race.

Now, I'm gonna get
some frozen yogurt.

Would you like anything?

Yeah.

I'll have
a vanilla chocolate swirl.

- No.
- What, no...

No. I'll have
strawberry with jimmies.

Did you get that?

Hey.

How you doing?

Much better.

That alcohol got on top of me.

Oh... I'm a little
embarrassed by that.

I'm sorry about Sam.

I... I thought it was cool.

- Right. - And I try to
ruin things as soon as

they get good.

I'm working on it.

Believe it or not,
I'm working on stuff, too.

You know, I just wish I was
working on less stuff.

You know, I've been arrested
three times.

Four times.

Four to five times.

I have tattoos

of bands that I don't
even like anymore.

By the way,
you've been really cool

about the "Jamiroquai"
tattoo on my butt.

I'm not asking you to change.

Just how about meet me
in the middle a little bit?

What do you want me to do?
Go to brunch?

Are we supposed to,
like, read articles

and then talk
about them together?

Okay, I'm never

going to be that kind of girl.

I just want to do
something normal.

How about not

drawing pubes on my armpit

while I'm sleeping?

You think you could

do something like that?

Yeah. Yeah.

'Cause I would really like

to keep this going.

Want to move your
twin bed over here?

Sexy, sexy, sexy.

Bird! Bird! Bird!

- Bird!
- Oh.

- Help! Help!
- Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah!

No big, I got it!
I'm on it.

Just a...
it was a painting.

That's not really how
I wanted the weekend to go.

I thought the worst
thing that could happen

was someone wouldn't like
the cheese I brought.

I wanted it to be perfect.

Jess, when Nick said
that you invited them

because you were nervous...

- No, don't worry about that.
- Jess,

we're not perfect.

Like the first time
we slept together,

like, I didn't even
know your real name.

Kind of a pretty sassy detail.

Can we just concentrate
on the fact that, like,

I was tripping pretty
hard on absinthe

and I said, "No"?

To a stripper?

I mean, a stripper was
like rubbing my leg...

That's weirdly...

the most romantic thing
I've ever heard.

- Got it.
- I left a Post-it note

on the transformer
that said "Broken."

Is there any way that
we could make it look

- like it was raccoon bites?
- A few announcements.

Uh...

Angie left. Me.

- What?
- She took the motorcycle,

and, uh, a few of my belongings,

but I'm still wearing
my underwear,

so she comes up short-handed
in that treasure hunt.

- Seriously?
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Nick.

I'm sorry, man.

It's fine; I'm a grown man.

I will need a ride home.

- Yeah.
- Obviously.

I would love to pitch
in with gas,

but I don't have any money,
so I could pay in "Nick Bucks,"

fully redeemable

for smiles

and any one item from my bureau.

We'll hold you to that.

Thank you, Doctor.

Don't, I-I'm good.

- I know you don't want to be hugged.
- I don't want to be hugged.

- And I respect that. So...
- Okay. 'Cause I'm fine.

Jess, no,
I'm good, I'm good.

I promise you, I'm good. Just...

Actually, this is
very weird for me.

- I'm not hugging you.
- I know.

- I'm sorry.
- I promise you I'm okay.

Stop making this a thing,
because I'm not sad.

- This is for the best.
- Yeah.

- I'm fine.
- She didn't deserve you.

Whatever that means.

- Thank you.
- Okay, almost there.

- Hey, let's go!
- All right.

Hey, the potato salad's

accidentally
in the garbage.

Look at that.

You guys mind if I eat
this in the back seat?

You can eat salad
in my back seat anytime.

Didn't mean that to be sexual.

All right, guys.

It's a little bit gamey.

Okay.

I'll get the garbage, here.

Hold on, hold on.

The absinthe.

You almost screwed
that up by accident.

Wow.

We're ready.
You all right?

Yep, I'll be right
with you guys.

That was a mistake! Whoo!

I am gonna poop weird tonight!

Yeah...
Oooh, that was a mistake.