New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 13 - A Father's Love - full transcript

WINSTON:
All right, Nick, we believe in you, man.

- Tell us, what's in the cup?
- It's a hard one.

[SNICKERS]

- It's a mini carrot?
ALL: Ha-ha-ha!

- A potato?
- You're the dumbest boy in the world.

- How are you so bad at Feely-Cup?
- You are awful at this game.

Sea glass? I'm over-thinking it.

If his life depended on this, he would die.

- Battery?
- When are batteries squishy?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I know it's not a battery. I can feel...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]



WINSTON: Will you be paying for bonus time?
- He can't.

He's all out of quarters.

Uh, Nick, your dad's here.

Very funny, Schmidty,
but my concentration will not be broken.

Hey, Nickels.

Come on, kid. Bring it in. Come on!

Mr. Miller, welcome to our home.

- Feely-Cup?
- Oh, yeah.

- Bring it on.
WINSTON: Heh.

Watch this.

Tampon...

...wrapped in duct tape...

...and dipped in baking powder.

- Is that what it...? Oh.
WINSTON: Boom.



- Next level Feely-Cup.
- Hello, Mr. Miller.

[SINGING] Who's that girl?

CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess

This is a pleasant surprise.
What brings you to Los Angeles?

Let me just, uh, clean up a little bit.

I just thought I'd stop by. I'll sleep
in your bed, you can go on the couch.

Sounds like us.

Hey, so what does Mr. Miller do?

- Businessman.
- He's a con man.

He's a businessman,
what are you talking about?

He's a con man.
Winston's obsessed with Walt.

That mustache, first of all. What?

It's like the world's sexiest push-broom.

A con man like: What's the play?

The, uh, Ring-A-Doo Johnnycakes?

The, uh, Hollow Leg Swap-Em-Out?

- Yes, exactly.
- Fake trombones for a fake band?

Harold Hill. Heh.

- Music Man.
- He's not a con man, okay?

You know, he sometimes used to sell hats.

- Here you go, boys. Enjoy.
- Thanks, Dad.

So many hats.

Okay, technically they were misprints.

This says "Chica Go Bills."

Let's go, guys. These hats suck.

"Chica go Bills" is, uh, actually Spanish
for "Young girl, go Bills."

Who's gonna mess with a guy who's wearing
a hat that says "Young girl, go Bills"?

I mean, the answer is everybody.

- They will, they mess with you.
- Oh, sorry.

[NICK GRUMBLING]

Nick, please do not angry-fix the sink.

I'm not angry-fixing, I'm fixing!

You wanna know why I'm messed up?
Why I don't trust people?

- Why I have anger issues?
- Oh, yes, I do wanna know.

Why I have the blood pressure
of a hummingbird?

[NICK GRUNTING AND YELLING]

Do you think this is maybe about your dad?

And so, Nickels comes in screaming,
"Daddy, Daddy."

"What's wrong?" He says, "Daddy, I
have a tick at the end of my tinkle."

NICK: Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

This is not a story for everyone.

And sure enough, there is a tick
at the end of his little penis.

- Not a story for this moment.
- That's how he got the nickname "Little Penis."

NICK: Stop.
- What are we gonna do with him?

I have no idea, Pop-pop.

- Don't call him "Pop-pop."
- That's his nickname.

- The nickname is longer than "Walt," so...
- It's the name I gave him.

- It's really weird that you call my dad Pop-pop.
- I like Pop-pop.

- Don't call him Pop-pop.
- Pop-pop.

I think it's time for another drink.

What do you say, gorgeous?
Wanna give an old man a hand?

Sure.

I don't know, Nick. A lot of charm
coming from this end of the booth.

Because that's what he does.
He lures you in with his charm...

...and his mustache and his perfect hair.
- I feel like you need to talk to him about this.

I'll just tell him how I feel,
everything will be okay...

...because that's how the world works.
- Took the words out of my mouth, Little Penis.

- It's not a thing. It won't stick.
JESS: I love a good nickname.

When Nick is not working here,
the service is abysmal.

How many times did I have to repeat
the words "lemon drop shot"?

- Yeah, I think he was making fun of you.
- For what?

Working hard and playing hard?
Heh. I guess the joke is on me.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

- Another Indian guy?
- My mom set me up.

Oh, your mom. That's cool.
Have with your Devs and your Anujs...

...or your Deepaks.

Whatever Patel you're dating,
I'm not sweating it.

- His name is Pavun. Pavun Shetty.
- What?

- As in...? As in Shetty Solutions?
- I think so, why?

They only nailed the crowd-control
logistics of Bombay's open-air market.

- I thought you weren't sweating it.
- I'm not sweating it.

Killing me with that drop, dude.

- You really seem to care about little Nicky.
- I mean, look at him.

He looks like Hilary Swank
mixed with a sad, wet dog.

- Do you think he's really angry at me?
- I think you need to talk to him.

All I'm looking for is a second chance.

You don't believe in second chances,
do you, Blue Eyes?

Actually, um, I'm a bit of a sucker
for second chances.

- They're my first favorite kind of chance.
- Heh.

Have you ever been to the racetrack?

NICK:
Back at the tracks with my dad.

When Nick was a kid,
he'd come with me all the time.

If I got in trouble, he would get me
out of it by doing the Sugar Ray.

- Oh, the Sugar Ray...
- What's the "Sugar Ray"?

I'd pretend to be a diabetic kid...

...so the man threatening
to beat up my father would run off scared.

See, we did have some good times,
didn't we?

Come on, let's make a bet.

Here you go.

- What's the catch?
- What catch? There is no catch.

What possible catch can there be?
I just want you to make a bet.

All right, Pop. You want me
to lose your money, I'll be happy to.

Schmidt?

Robby?

- Robby, what are you doing here, man?
- I'm spying on Cece.

- Cece.
- You know, I'm still in love with her, so...

This is pretty much
your basic, uh, brokenhearted spying thing.

- That's why I got this hat.
- Ah, come on. Gotta get over that.

- Wait a second, are you spying on Cece too?
- No, what?

- Are you still in love with Cece?
- Ha, ha. No, that's... Yes. I am.

- It's killing me.
- Me too. Bring it in, man.

CECE:
What are you two doing here?

- Cece.
- Oh. Hey. Just nothing.

- We're just...
- Yeah, you know...

- Do you think that she saw me?
- What? Of course she saw you.

- Do you think she saw me?
- Well, yeah, you don't have a hat on.

Nicky only had one dream when he was a kid:
To own a family horse.

That is so surprising.

Because it just doesn't seem like...

Nick hates living things, so, like, it just doesn't
really seem in line with what I know about him.

All right, look.

- I wanna buy a horse...
- Uh-huh. Heh.

...for me and Nick to own together.
- Oh.

- I found this beautiful horse, gorgeous.
- Right.

- We're gonna talk the guy down.
- I don't know how.

- I'll take care of that.
- Okay.

- Hey, Dusty.
- Oh, you gotta be kidding me.

- How did he find me?
- Who was that?

Ah, don't worry about him.

- What do you know about horses?
- I know they're big.

Perfect.

JESS: This is a very sad case. I mean...
WALT: Yes.

My niece goes to veterinary school.
We're proud.

JESS:
Top of my class.

- So, what do you think?
- Terrible horse.

- She's very sickly.
- He. He.

He. He.

JESS: Whoa. I wish I had brought
my stethoscope.

I'm seeing a lot of split ends.

The mane is totally the wrong cut
for the shape of this face.

So you're saying that this horse, right
now, the way it is, will never race again?

Damn it, Uncle Buck.
This horse will never race again.

Why did you fly me all the way out from
Grenada if you weren't gonna listen to me?

- [WHISPERS] Yes. Conned.
- Shh.

Okay, there are people in life
who you want to be unpredictable.

Your pothead neighbor.
Or Vice President Joe Biden.

Then there are people who you don't want
to be unpredictable, like your dentist.

Or, I don't know, your father.

Look, Nick, my dad left when I was 3.

Every single day, rain or shine,
he just never came back.

I wish he'd been a little more
unpredictable, is all I'm saying.

I hear you.

Yeah, sure, Walt may owe me
a couple hundred bucks. Not a big deal.

- My dad owes you money? How much?
- Three, 400. Like 1100 bucks.

Oh, my God, he's with Jess.

He's gonna rip her off.
He's gonna rip her off.

I feel like Cece's making a big mistake
with this Indian guy.

- She should be with somebody like us.
- Totally. White guy power.

[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, okay. Um...

- Cool guy power.
- Now you're talking, Robby.

- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know.

I mean, one billion Indian men
is a daunting foe.

I suddenly feel empathy for Pakistan.
It's like they say:

How do you eat an elephant, Robby?

- With chopsticks.
- What?

- Slowly with chopsticks.
- Chopsticks?

- In a taco.
- What?

- You have elephant tacos.
- Who eats elephant tacos?

It's not even a saying.

- Oh.
- One bite at a time, Robby.

- One bite at a time.
- Yes, one bite at a time.

This is what I'm thinking.
I use my superior powers of manipulation...

...and persuasion
to get Cece to take you back.

Once we've neutralized
the subcontinental threat, I smite you.

- What?
- What?

You said you're gonna smite me?

- Defeat gloriously for Cece's hand.
- I know what it means.

But that's someday.
For now, let's scheme, my broheem.

Okay. I just want to reiterate
that I'm not on board with the smiting.

- Whatever.
- I like broheem thing a lot.

Let's concentrate on the broheem,
smite later.

- Okay, yeah.
- Cheers, broheem.

You got a great deal. Good luck, doc.

NICK: Dad.
- Thanks.

- Hey. Can I tell him?
- Hi, boys.

- Rather keep it a secret.
- Your dream finally came true.

- We got you a horse.
- It's not my dream to own a horse.

- What?
- Did you use my friend to buy a horse, Dad?

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

- Excuse me, I gotta take this call.
- Unbelievable, Dad.

He's gonna name the horse "A Father's Love"
because you always wanted a horse.

- Tell me you didn't give him money.
- That's a funny story.

- Because I'm actually an investor...
- Oh, you did it.

[GROANS]

- Conned.
WALT: Paulie, drop dead.

- Damn, Pop-pop.
- Stop calling him Pop-pop!

I already got people standing by
to take the horse off our hands.

Horse semen, in Dubai, is gold.

You can't sell A Father's Love.
There's more to A Father's Love than semen.

- Ew. Poetic, but "ew."
- Dad.

I see you, and we're doing this right now.

- No, no, no!
WALT: Dusty.

We got your back, Pop-pop.
Damn Pop-pop, man.

[NICK GRUNTING]

WINSTON:
Okay, okay, okay.

Father. We got your back, Father.

Five hundred dollars?
You stole $500 from her to buy that horse?

I didn't steal anything from her.

She saw the opportunity for a business
investment and she took advantage of it.

- She will believe anything.
- That's not true, Nick.

- My real name is Jameel.
- It is?

No, my name is not Jameel, it is Nick!
You know that.

- You told me in confidence. Well, he's weird.
NICK: How could you think that?

- That's a good point.
- Just wait for one hour.

I go and meet the buyer.
I sell him our horse for a huge profit.

And because these suckers think our horse
is Big Brown's nephew, they'll overpay.

Blue Eyes gets her money back
with interest.

Sounds like a great plan. We'll come with you
and I'll watch you give Jess her money back.

- Yeah. We're doing it. Yeah.
- Please don't do this to me.

You don't understand, you're not a sales guy.
He starts to sweat.

Nick only sweats if there's lying involved.
And there's not lying involved, is there?

We're coming with, Dad.

- Check this. We get seersucker suits...
- Yeah.

...and two more guys and then we
serenade her with a barbershop quartet.

Ten more guys and a plan,
we'd form an Ocean's 12.

I'd be Brad Pitt. You'd be the crafty
Asian fellow who does the, uh, flippies.

Oh, I got a great idea.
We can name a star after her.

I know this website, we could put one
that's near Robby's 1 through 8.

- Eight stars?
- There's like a billion.

- Eight are yours?
- Only gonna go up in value.

That's a horrible investment.
She's into that Gandhi crapola.

- We could self-immolate.
- I feel like we're so close.

Wait, Robby...

...I got it.

[BANGING ON DOOR]

SCHMIDT & ROBBY:
Cool guy power! Cool guy power!

Cool guy power!

Hey.

- Is this happening?
- Yes.

- Why are you together?
- Are you wearing a sari?

- Yes.
- I begged you to wear a sari.

I had all these sari-related
sexual scenarios.

- Shh!
- "Monsoon Bedding."

- "The Best Erotic Maribone Hotel."
- Stop talking.

"Slumdoggy-style Millionaire."
You're wearing the sari for who?

- Let me see this guy.
- No. Schmidt, Robby!

SCHMIDT:
Oh, my God.

[INDIAN CLASSICAL MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Are you...? You're having an orgy here?
This is a big Indian orgy?

- For God's sakes.
- They're wearing clothes.

- It's an orgy.
- Pavun and I can't go on a date...

...until our families meet.

- We saw you on a date.
- That wasn't a date.

- I was meeting Pavun's uncle, Manish.
SCHMIDT: Manish.

That is Pavun.

That's Pavun. Look at this guy.
He's gorgeous.

SCHMIDT: What?
ROBBY: I don't have a chance.

- Look at his features.
- Look at yours.

You're just as gorgeous. I mean, kind of.
You're kind. You always have gum.

- And you've got so much pep.
- Look, you're confident and punctual...

...and you came up with this plan.
- We came up with this plan together.

Screw it, I don't even care anymore.
White guy power!

SCHMIDT: All right, man, let's do it!
All right! ROBBY: White guy power.

You gotta quit it with that.
It's a little racist.

- Get out of here before I throw you out.
- He's so organized.

You know, I'm just... I'm learning a ton.

- I'm ready. This is good.
JESS: This is really exciting.

This is my first middle-of-the-night,
parking-lot horse deal.

- This is not gonna work.
- It's gonna work. It's gonna work.

- Would you take control of this?
- I got it.

JESS: We got it. We got it, Walt.
- Will you do me a favor, please?

Let me handle this.

Just because my dad is in town,
I'm not gonna put you in harm's way.

Yep. Okay. Twist my arm,
I'll be the lookout.

Just keep your head down.

I've got this totally under control.

- Hi, fellas.
- How you doing?

- I'm good, you?
- I'm good.

- Just getting over a little cold.
- Yeah, I get a little agita myself once in a while.

What's going on, everybody?
That's my dad, I'm Nick.

- Cool half-turtleneck. How you doing?
- Good. Just getting over a little cold.

Good.

He makes the white?

- This horse is more semen than he is horse.
ALL: Ha-ha-ha.

- That's disgusting.
- Good. We want semen.

Well, you guys are gonna get semen.

You'll get a bunch of horse semen.

Wait until it's next to
a lady horse, trust me.

What's the matter? Is sweat?

- He's sweating? He's not sweating.
- Why he sweat so much?

- No, no, no.
- Are you a cop?

- No, no, no.
- Sweat like a cop.

- Take off your clothes.
- Why would I?

Just take off your clothes. They want
to see that you're not wearing a wire.

- I'd like you to defend me here.
- Now, take it off!

- Take it off.
- Now, take it off!

Take off your clothes,
take off your clothes!

Take off your pants,
take off your pants!

Now dance.

[BOTH SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

Turn around. Turn around.

Okay, okay, okay.
All right, all right, all right.

Look, look. He's got no wire.
He's not a policeman.

Guys, I'm not wearing a wire.
I'm not a cop.

- I just sweat like this when I'm lying.
- Lying? Lying?

- Nobody's lying.
- You lying to me?

- Tire iron. Tire iron.
- Are you lying? You're lying.

[BABBLING AND GRUNTING]

What is he doing?

Dad, the gum. The gum had sugar in it.

MAN 1:
These guys are weird.

- Weird.
MAN 2: Strange.

You're weird.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[NICK CONTINUES BABBLING
AND GRUNTING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Now you have to talk to each other!

You've been conned. God, I'm good.

That's not a con, Jess.
You're just driving away.

I was ready to get your friend's money
back for her, okay?

But you insisted on coming here.

You know what?
You know what's funny about you?

Somehow you have made this
seem like my fault.

This isn't my fault. I
didn't invite you here.

[TIRES SCREECH]

JESS:
Keep talking. This is good for you guys.

Are you angry at me about something,
Little Penis?

I've been mad at you for 30 years, Dad.

- Thirty years?
- I'm not a successful adult.

I don't eat vegetables
and/or take care of myself.

And it's because of you.

Okay, I'll take a little bit of that hit.

Okay, it's not taking a hit.

It's just saying sorry.

- You look cold. I'm gonna give you my pants.
- Don't want them.

Take the pants. You say I do nothing for you.
Let me give you my pants.

I don't want you pants!
Don't do this. Don't do this.

Take my pants.

This is making it worse.

Dad...

This is ridiculous.

Okay.

All right, maybe, uh...

Maybe I did make some mistakes
along the line, okay?

We all make mistakes, Dad.

[TIRES SCREECHING AND
ENGINE REVVING NEARBY]

Hey, what do you say tomorrow
we go to a game?

- Any game, you pick it out.
- I'm in.

JESS:
You're welcome! Son of a...!

This thing doesn't turn so well.

Do you think Cece and Pavun will make it?

I don't know. I really can't say.

What I can say is that one arranged
marriage did take place today.

The marriage of Schmidt and Robby.

[CHUCKLES]

Hell, yeah.

I only dread the day
that we defeat all the Indians...

...and must face each other
in a duel to the death.

Oh. Buzz kill.

We're like Butch Cassidy
and the Sundance Kid.

Except only one of us dies
at the end of the movie.

It's gonna be you.
You're the one that's gonna die.

- You want another beer?
- Sure do, compadre.

Hey, Walt. What are you doing?

I thought you were gonna go to a game
with Nick today.

Going to get a bagel. In Chicago.

No! No, I can't... No,
um, I can't let you go.

This means too much to Nick. You can't
say you'll do things and not do them.

- What was that? That.
- What was what? What?

What?

Damn, you're good.

Listen, Blue Eyes, do me a favor, will you?

Will you tell him for me that I, uh?

You know, that I...

Just keep an eye on him for me, will you?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Jess, if you're gonna mess with my sink,
put some goggles on.

Your eyes are twice the size of normal eyes.
It's a bigger target.

Walt's gone.

[CHUCKLES]

I know how hard it was
for you to talk to him and I just...

Some people, I just don't under...
They just... Ugh!

And I understand why
you wanna break pipes now.

Let's just drink a bunch
and destroy the sink.

I don't need to break the pipes, Jess.

I'm fine. I mean, truth be told,
I was happy to see him.

- I thought if you talked to him maybe...
- No. Jess.

People don't change.
If someone's broken, they just stay broken.

You're not broken.

- I'm a little broken, heh.
- No, no, no.

- Oh, yeah.
- You should be so much worse.

Seriously, you could be picking up calls
on a banana.

You could be like, "Hello?"
I don't know how you made it out.

But you're good.

Look, there's a lot I don't tell you.

I haven't done laundry in five months.

I'm not wearing underwear,
I'm just wearing a big sock right now.

- Really?
- A big sock.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- A very big sock.
- I got it.

[CHUCKLES]

What do you think about this?
We get a three-person canoe.

We go to her house, we rap on the door,
she answers, sees the three-person canoe.

She realizes there's only two of us.

And we say, "Ah, what a conundrum.
Please join us."

How about this one:
We get some night-vision goggles.

- That's all I got. I don't know what else.
- I'd say Trojan horse...

- In this economy?
- We could go on a hunger strike.

We enlist in the Navy.
We quickly rise through the ranks...

...and then we can take her
to the Naval Officers' Ball.

Feel like we're right there.