New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 14 - Pepperwood - full transcript
Jess makes a real connection with a student in her writing class. She reads the papers to her roommates and Nick things the guy is a psychotic killer. Winston and Schmidt argue about what others say about them behind their back.
Cece. Are you two kids back together?
- She wishes.
- Plumbing's out.
- Severe clogging.
- Sorry I asked.
This is what happens. Four models with
protein deficiencies sharing a shower.
They shed like a...
Like a $4 Christmas sweater.
Guys, guess what.
I just made a breakthrough with a student.
Yeah, it's true.
[HUMMING]
- Don't, please.
- Uh, Jess?
You know we love you. We all support you.
But when you do things like this?
I'm sorry.
- Bowl.
- Okay.
- It's not satisfying.
- I think it is.
You had a breakthrough?
It's just a whole new
world, teaching adults.
This week I gave them an assignment.
Write whatever you want.
Just load it up with descriptive imagery.
MAN:
"My fluffy pillow.
My yellowy, fluffy pillow.
Next to my dog. My hairy dog.
My beloved hairy dog.
- While I diddle myself."
- Excellent.
"He was a merman.
He was the last of his kind
and he needed a mother for his merchild.
He was not a mergentleman."
Can't wait to hear more.
Just can't connect with them,
I don't know why.
- You can't teach people how to write.
- Not true.
- I say that as a writer.
- Not true.
A writing class is for somebody
who doesn't think lyrically...
...in terms of, like, poetic words
that just are strung...
You had a breakthrough.
I have this student whose name is Edgar
and he was not getting it.
And then today he turned in
this amazing story.
Nick, actually, you should read this.
Writers don't read. We write.
Jessica Day calls it a must-read.
And look at that font.
What is this amateur hour?
At least use Palatino.
Good evening, everyone.
- Or should I say morning?
- Hey, Winston.
- Do you guys have agave?
- We might have some pressed lentil syrup.
- In the mixings cabinet.
- Thank you.
[CECE GASPS]
[SCHMIDT GASPS]
- Oh, my goodness. Okay.
- Okay.
- You know, I just felt the side anyway, so it's...
WINSTON: I didn't mean to.
CECE: It's fine. It's...
WINSTON: You...
- Other way, now. I'll fight you.
JESS: No, not again.
CECE:
Not... No. No.
Jump out the way, Jessica?
What's wrong with you,
waving that thing around like an idiot?
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
Guys, listen to this.
"By day I'm a plumber.
- By night, I'm a stalker."
- You read it!
"I sit in the bushes wearing a
gimp costume, stalking my prey."
He's the first person I got
to use first-person narrative.
I'm an amazing teacher.
Very engaging. Keep going.
Okay, "My prey is a deer.
Her eyes are big. Too big.
Before she can blink those big eyes,
I'm stabbing her.
I stab and stab.
- I love stabbing."
- Sounds like he likes stabbing.
- "After all the stabbing..."
- It's repetitive.
"...I wash my hands in her dark red blood."
- Listen to that detail.
- This man is psychotic.
It's fiction.
There's no such thing as a gimp costume.
- That's a real thing.
- You've seen me in one.
I just don't think you should be in a room
with this creep twice a week. It is not safe.
- Are you worried about me, Miller?
- Yeah, I'm a little worried about you.
If you won't do anything about it,
then I'm taking it into my own hands.
Doing a little investigation.
Investigating? Please.
You're gonna Google his name.
I am way beyond that.
You're typing his name into Google.
We can see the screen.
This is a private investigation.
Are you...? I wanted to talk to you about
the regrettable contact between Cece's...
Her down there and my...
- My part.
- You practically shish-kabobbed her.
- Is this something I should apologize for?
- Just let it go, man, you pogoed her.
I'm sorry, what did you say? Pogo?
- Heh, I didn't...
- I heard "pogo." What is that?
[SIGHS]
Look, Winston, fine, it's what we call
what you did this morning, okay?
- It's a shorthand.
- Why do you have a shorthand?
- Because it happens so often?
- You pogoed me once.
- You pogoed Jess twice.
- It's not sexual.
Nick's never been pogoed directly.
You did get his pizza once.
Which is another debate.
How did you not feel that?
You guys talk about this?
Your penis actually changed the channel
when we were watching the Bears game once.
You don't think me, Nick and Jess
talk about you behind your back? We do.
- You have more pogos than anyone.
- You are misusing the word "pogo."
You are the pogo king.
Pogo king.
Pogo king.
I wanted to talk about
your creative imagery assignments.
Wow, guys, I really felt like I was buried
under a giant, gleaming...
...powdery avalanche of adjectives.
Don't mean to interrupt,
I just hear you're the best teacher.
- Oh, no. No.
- Wondering if there's room for one more.
How you doing?
I'm Julius Pepperwood.
- Not now.
- I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine.
I'm here to learn how
to write short fiction.
Okay, Julius, just take a seat
and, um...
[WHISPERS]: Keep it small.
- I'm from Chicago.
Thin-crust pizza?
No, thank you, I'm from Chicago.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
So for a fun follow-up...
- Sorry I'm late.
- No problem, Edgar.
We're just going over descriptive imagery.
- I'm sorry, dear, I can't hear you.
- Mr. Pepperwood.
- I'm gonna move closer.
- Stay over there.
How you doing, man,
I'm Julius Pepperwood.
- Edgar.
- What are you doing?
If you don't mind me asking,
why are you late today, Edgar?
Traffic. It really killed me.
- It killed you.
- Mr. Pepperwood.
Would you say that it stabbed you?
- Say that again.
- Glasses on or off?
- Teach, if I keep them on, am I a bad boy?
- Hey.
All right, honey, I'll take them off.
Whoa, heh.
That's a whole different lens
to see that blue dress.
No.
Okay, let's re-focus.
Um, let's talk about
the, um, four classifications of conflict.
We talked about it last week.
It's in the workbook.
Um, anybody wanna help me?
Four classifications of conflict? Anybody?
Anybody?
So no one has signed up for office hours.
And I just want you to know
that you can talk to me about anything.
- Adios.
- Anything at all.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing, man. You look good in your Dockers.
What? Nothing happened.
I'm Julius Pepperwood. Let it go.
Whoops.
- Why did you do that?
- The wind.
NICK [WHISPERS]:
No, no, no.
- Everything all right?
- Yeah.
- Everything's fine.
- Good.
- What's happening right now?
- Sorry. Edgar.
I really loved your story.
I wanted to give you some notes. Is there
a time you can come for office hours?
- Yeah, that'd be really cool.
- I'm really excited.
I'm available any time, so...
- I'll check my calendar.
- Yeah.
I can't get service over here.
Wednesday I gotta go to the bird store.
Uh, what about Wednesday afternoon?
He's my uncle.
Hey, Winston, I'm glad you're home.
I know what my pogo is.
It's that I dance kind of like a sea snake.
[HISSING]
- Yeah, not even close, Schmidt.
- What are you talking...? I know this is it, man.
Is it that I barge into people's showers?
It's my caterpillar eyebrows.
Well, look. Whoosh!
- Aah!
- They're gone.
Nick, you've gone way too far.
Way too far.
- If you're here for Edgar's notebook, too late.
- Where's the notebook?
Nick, what's my one rule?
- Do not steal your yarn.
- Don't steal my yarn, man.
It's my one thing.
- Look at what was inside of his notebook.
- He was doodling in class, Nick.
Weapons dripping with blood?
- That is not a doodle.
- What are you, the doodle police?
[SCOFFS]
- There's no doodle police, are there?
- Really?
I can't believe you still don't believe me.
Jessica.
Exhibit D. He did this.
I'm going to Edgar's for proof.
You're not spying on the student
I have a connection with.
- I have the address here. Hey, give...
- No.
- I have the address memorized.
- Fine, then I'm coming too.
To bail you out of jail.
When you get arrested for trespassing.
Fine. Then you'll see that I was right.
- Fine.
- And you'll also see who gets there first.
Maybe we should take one car.
- For the environment.
- Yeah, we can drive together.
- Fine!
- Fine!
[SIGHS]
It's my mole, isn't it?
Well, consider it gone.
- Game, set, pogo.
- Chill out, man, it's not your mole.
- Tell me. This is the worst.
- This is not the worst.
The worst is actually knowing.
Knowing that your friends sit around
every single night talking about your pogo.
What's a pogo?
- Those brows don't freak you out?
- No, I've seen worse.
A pogo is what your friends talk about
when you leave the room.
Oh. Like your barnacle toenails?
Uh...
You guys talk about my toenails?
Heh, heh, never talk about your toenails,
Schmidt.
Talk about how my toenails are...
Are rugged?
Woodsy.
I mean, I have never wondered
if you could shimmy up a palm tree.
But it's because I have a keratin surplus.
I mean, they're not that bad.
Look at these things.
Aah! Schmidt. It looks like
an open Swiss army knife.
Most are hard, but one is really soft.
I know, I know, I know, well, just talk
about what my pogo is. What's my pogo?
Is it the way I say pan? Pan. Pan. Pan.
Look, Cece. This is more
of just a loft thing.
Just thank your lucky stars
you don't have calcified mongrel toes.
[TOENAILS CLICKING ON FLOOR]
Things sound like a dang old crab.
There is it. If anything's gonna go down,
we need a safe word.
- Nothing's gonna go down unless we make it.
- If Pepperwood taught me anything...
- There's no Pepperwood.
- It's never get caught without a safe word.
- We're gonna go with apricot.
- Too normal. We need something weird.
- Like dragonslippers.
- What?
I use apricot too much in my normal life.
Why do you use apricot so much?
What am I supposed to call them?
Sweet tangy balls?
Don't call them sweet tangy balls, Jess.
Well, that's why we can't use...
Nick.
Nick.
Nick. Nick. Tell...
- Nick.
- Call me Julius Pepperwood, please.
You look ridiculous.
If we're hiding from people
why does it matter what I call you?
- I got my eyes, you get my six.
- No. What does this mean?
- This means right-turn bicycle.
- This means stop.
Nick, seriously, use your words.
Don't use...
- Okay, these are my...
...freaking SWAT sign language.
Apricot, apricot, apricot.
Close your mouth, close your eyes.
Edgar lives with his mother.
Of course he does.
So? A lot of normal people live
with their mothers. Like my Uncle Randy.
- He can't go near parks.
- He was cleared.
[CAR ENGINE APPROACHES]
- Aah!
- Apricot. Apricot.
Get over here now.
[EDGAR GRUNTS]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
[WHISPERS]
What's in that duffel bag?
He's the plumber from the story.
How did I not see this before?
[WHISPERS]: What was I saying?
- You're right.
- Yes, say that again.
- You were right about everything.
- Don't forget, you're saying I was right.
- I can't believe it.
- What the hell is in that duffel bag?
- I don't know.
- No, Nick. You're gonna get us in trouble.
- Get down.
Nick.
Shh.
[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING
"I'M SO EXCITED"]
Oh, my God.
- Turn it off.
- Oh, my God, it's Edgar.
You turn it off. Here, give it to me.
You turn it off.
I don't know how to do this.
[MUSIC STOPS]
NICK [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Get the hell of out here.
[GRUNTS]
Jess, what are you doing? That is ridiculous.
There's plenty of room.
- Why would you go under a van?
- Let's leave.
You'll not believe what happened.
Nick was right.
NICK: I was right.
- Oh, my God.
What happened to your eyebrows?
You look like Audrey Hepburn.
Do we own
an industrial-size paper cutter?
- Aah!
- Whatever.
- What is that?
- This is the eating area.
Winston told me you guys make fun
of my gremlin nails.
That you call them clickety-clacks.
Or centaur boots.
- What's wrong with you?
- What is wrong with me?
Besides my pogo.
I told him. It popped out.
You understand what that's like, right?
Don't act like we don't talk about you two
behind your backs.
Because we do.
You both have pogos, my friends.
Okay, let's take a deep breath
and ask ourselves...
...if this conversation
is worth ruining our friendships over.
Tell me my pogo.
I need to know my pogo.
You guys need to tell me.
- I can take it. Lay it on me.
- You know, it's kind of a loft thing.
- Is it my pies? Are they too tart?
- Pies can't be a pogo, okay?
- My koala claws, now that's a pogo.
- At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.
They make shoes for your penis.
They're called pants.
- Tell me my pogo.
- No.
- Tell me my pogo.
- You're a know-it-all.
- Huge.
- The worst.
I'm the worst know-it-all in the world?
Please.
I hate hyperbolic speak. Please.
Now you know your pogo,
you truly know it all.
There I go being a smartass again,
I mean, that could be my pogo.
And then there was one.
No, no, no, I'm sure that you guys
have stuff you laugh at me about.
We don't laugh about your pogo, Nick.
- We're worried about you.
- You're worried about me?
- We're worried you're not gonna make it.
- To what?
In general.
You don't take care of yourself.
I'll crumple vitamins
and put them in your food.
We all take turns sneaking money into your
pants before you put them in the dryer.
Yeah, well, I hope you're happy.
The pogos are out.
Loft dynamic is ruined.
[IN BABY VOICE]
What if I talk like a baby?
You're still hot.
That's all we're gonna talk about.
A tiny little baby.
Cut into these, please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
A ladder.
That'll work too.
[GRUNTING]
Okay.
Oh, this is bad.
This is... This is really bad.
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, God, oh, God.
[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING
"I'M SO EXCITED"]
- Hello.
- Jess, he wants to kill you.
- What?
- I am in his shed right now.
- There are drawings on the wall of you.
- What?
And bloody weapons.
And googly eyes. The googly eyes are
actually kind of sexy, but that's beside...
Jess, I will not let you be in a room alone
with this guy.
You're the deer in his story.
He wants to kill you.
You're the deer. You're the deer.
- I'm at school and I'm doing office hours.
- Get out now.
Okay, I'll just keep you on the line
and then I'll say the safe word, okay?
I'll just say it like...
Apricots. Apricots.
- Good, yeah, that's what you say if you see...
- Apricots. Really apricots.
Oh, no, okay, okay, stop it. He's there, okay.
I thought it was gonna be dragonslippers.
Is this a bad time, or...?
No, no, no, I just have a deaf grocer.
Apricots. Apricots... And butter.
I'm coming. I'm...
[YELLS]
Welcome to office hours. Um...
- I found my ending.
- Yeah?
It's pretty risky.
I'm not sure I'm gonna be able
to get away with it.
[GIGGLES]
[GRUNTS]
Remember when you told me to base
my characters on people from my own life?
- Well, I based one on you.
- So flattered.
And then I realized that there was
only one way for the story to end.
You need to die.
[WHISPERS]
Apricot. Apricot.
No! Hey!
[YODELS]
[YODELING]
Look at that notebook
[GASPS]
You said great literature is surprising.
What's more surprising
than killing your main character?
What about this? Go with me.
What if, um...?
What if my character lives
and the book just goes on?
Imagine coming to the end of the book
and then just finding a lot more book.
Surprise.
[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING
"I'M SO EXCITED"]
- I heard that song yesterday.
- This song is everywhere.
- Were you at my house?
- No.
Okay, thank you, goodbye.
- No.
- I have to go. Right now.
- Apricot's leaving, Apricot's leaving.
- Oh, good.
I'm so happy you're alive. Okay,
stay inside and lock the door. I am coming.
- I am going to protect...
- Gotcha!
Nick. Pepperwood. Nick.
Burglar? He's not a burglar.
He's Julius Pepperwood from Chicago.
- Let's get him in the house.
- DA's gonna have my badge for this.
No. Get off of him.
You kill him, you kill me too.
Get away from my Edgar.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
My eyes.
My giant eyes!
You thought I was a murderer?
You thought I was a murderer of people?
- You said you were gonna kill me, I don't know.
- Your character.
- In my graphic novel.
- He's an excellent artist.
Okay, but your drawings,
they don't have any eyes.
- Can't draw eyes. It's weird.
- Can't draw eyes.
- There's a reason for everything.
- What about the bag?
- Don't ask about the bag.
- Don't ask about the bag. Bitch.
- Whoa! Hey, man.
- Whoa!
Hey, take this as a compliment, pal,
your stories are so real.
Well, it's because of what you taught me.
You listened?
Well, of course I listened,
you were a good teacher.
Until you thought I was a murderer
and you broke into my shed.
You were my favorite student
until I thought you were a murderer.
Your son's a really great writer.
- He's not my son.
- Oh!
Are you kidding? Really?
EDGAR:
Real nice, you two.
Come here, baby.
Oh, my God, you smell like waffles.
I love it, did you just make some waffles?
- Wanna eat me up?
- Yes, I do.
I'll meet you inside,
I'm gonna get the bag.
- Yes, do.
- Okay.
- Hey, Nick. What are you doing up?
- Just taking care of myself.
- Are you putting butter on bacon?
- I don't want it to stick to the pan.
Okay, did you...?
Great, that's just what bacon needs,
more fat.
And salt. What's this?
- Don't read that, I'm not finished...
- "Julius Pepperwood...
...Zombie Detective"?
All his murder victims are already dead,
so they obviously don't need a detective.
- I'm working on it.
- "The night was inky hot."
- Don't do this.
- "She strode into his office...
...with a sense of purpose, place.
- Another word here?"
- I'm looking for another P word there.
"She had zombie legs
that went on for miles.
They were the kind of legs
you could sink your teeth into.
Pepperwood had two friends.
One if you count his hat.
The other was his gal Friday,
Jessica Night."
It's not you, Jess.
"She was small in stature, but not in spunk
and a super annoying know-it-all."
- Good evening.
JESS: Hello.
[SCHMIDT SNIFFING]
Mm, bacon.
- Where the hell did you come from?
- I came from my room.
NICK: I didn't hear the pitter-patter
of disgusting feet.
Cut my toenails.
And the soaking really worked. Look.
They're gorgeous now.
Went down a full shoe size.
Guys, fire!
- My God.
NICK: Everybody, relax.
- Call the firemen.
WINSTON: You call the firemen.
You can't put out a grease fire with water,
you have to smother it.
- Why didn't you say that before?
- Don't wanna be a know-it-all.
- You're so stupid.
- Shut up.
Whoo!
SCHMIDT: Nice.
- Yeah.
NICK:
Amazing, my man. Whoa!
I didn't know you were gonna put
your arm around me. I'm so sorry.
Oh, you put up your pup tent
in front of the fire.
WINSTON:
It's involuntary.
It is a combination of adrenaline
and great circulation.
And I'd appreciate it if you don't just
hug me randomly. That's weird and...
[NICK & SCHMIDT CHUCKLE]
You ever notice when Winston runs
that he kind of farts while he's running?
Yes. Sounds like a jalopy.
- New pogo.
- Yes.
Oh, we got a great new pogo.
He farts when he runs.
[MAKING FLATULENCE SOUNDS]
- She wishes.
- Plumbing's out.
- Severe clogging.
- Sorry I asked.
This is what happens. Four models with
protein deficiencies sharing a shower.
They shed like a...
Like a $4 Christmas sweater.
Guys, guess what.
I just made a breakthrough with a student.
Yeah, it's true.
[HUMMING]
- Don't, please.
- Uh, Jess?
You know we love you. We all support you.
But when you do things like this?
I'm sorry.
- Bowl.
- Okay.
- It's not satisfying.
- I think it is.
You had a breakthrough?
It's just a whole new
world, teaching adults.
This week I gave them an assignment.
Write whatever you want.
Just load it up with descriptive imagery.
MAN:
"My fluffy pillow.
My yellowy, fluffy pillow.
Next to my dog. My hairy dog.
My beloved hairy dog.
- While I diddle myself."
- Excellent.
"He was a merman.
He was the last of his kind
and he needed a mother for his merchild.
He was not a mergentleman."
Can't wait to hear more.
Just can't connect with them,
I don't know why.
- You can't teach people how to write.
- Not true.
- I say that as a writer.
- Not true.
A writing class is for somebody
who doesn't think lyrically...
...in terms of, like, poetic words
that just are strung...
You had a breakthrough.
I have this student whose name is Edgar
and he was not getting it.
And then today he turned in
this amazing story.
Nick, actually, you should read this.
Writers don't read. We write.
Jessica Day calls it a must-read.
And look at that font.
What is this amateur hour?
At least use Palatino.
Good evening, everyone.
- Or should I say morning?
- Hey, Winston.
- Do you guys have agave?
- We might have some pressed lentil syrup.
- In the mixings cabinet.
- Thank you.
[CECE GASPS]
[SCHMIDT GASPS]
- Oh, my goodness. Okay.
- Okay.
- You know, I just felt the side anyway, so it's...
WINSTON: I didn't mean to.
CECE: It's fine. It's...
WINSTON: You...
- Other way, now. I'll fight you.
JESS: No, not again.
CECE:
Not... No. No.
Jump out the way, Jessica?
What's wrong with you,
waving that thing around like an idiot?
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS: Who's that girl?
- It's Jess
Guys, listen to this.
"By day I'm a plumber.
- By night, I'm a stalker."
- You read it!
"I sit in the bushes wearing a
gimp costume, stalking my prey."
He's the first person I got
to use first-person narrative.
I'm an amazing teacher.
Very engaging. Keep going.
Okay, "My prey is a deer.
Her eyes are big. Too big.
Before she can blink those big eyes,
I'm stabbing her.
I stab and stab.
- I love stabbing."
- Sounds like he likes stabbing.
- "After all the stabbing..."
- It's repetitive.
"...I wash my hands in her dark red blood."
- Listen to that detail.
- This man is psychotic.
It's fiction.
There's no such thing as a gimp costume.
- That's a real thing.
- You've seen me in one.
I just don't think you should be in a room
with this creep twice a week. It is not safe.
- Are you worried about me, Miller?
- Yeah, I'm a little worried about you.
If you won't do anything about it,
then I'm taking it into my own hands.
Doing a little investigation.
Investigating? Please.
You're gonna Google his name.
I am way beyond that.
You're typing his name into Google.
We can see the screen.
This is a private investigation.
Are you...? I wanted to talk to you about
the regrettable contact between Cece's...
Her down there and my...
- My part.
- You practically shish-kabobbed her.
- Is this something I should apologize for?
- Just let it go, man, you pogoed her.
I'm sorry, what did you say? Pogo?
- Heh, I didn't...
- I heard "pogo." What is that?
[SIGHS]
Look, Winston, fine, it's what we call
what you did this morning, okay?
- It's a shorthand.
- Why do you have a shorthand?
- Because it happens so often?
- You pogoed me once.
- You pogoed Jess twice.
- It's not sexual.
Nick's never been pogoed directly.
You did get his pizza once.
Which is another debate.
How did you not feel that?
You guys talk about this?
Your penis actually changed the channel
when we were watching the Bears game once.
You don't think me, Nick and Jess
talk about you behind your back? We do.
- You have more pogos than anyone.
- You are misusing the word "pogo."
You are the pogo king.
Pogo king.
Pogo king.
I wanted to talk about
your creative imagery assignments.
Wow, guys, I really felt like I was buried
under a giant, gleaming...
...powdery avalanche of adjectives.
Don't mean to interrupt,
I just hear you're the best teacher.
- Oh, no. No.
- Wondering if there's room for one more.
How you doing?
I'm Julius Pepperwood.
- Not now.
- I'm an ex-cop, ex-Marine.
I'm here to learn how
to write short fiction.
Okay, Julius, just take a seat
and, um...
[WHISPERS]: Keep it small.
- I'm from Chicago.
Thin-crust pizza?
No, thank you, I'm from Chicago.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
So for a fun follow-up...
- Sorry I'm late.
- No problem, Edgar.
We're just going over descriptive imagery.
- I'm sorry, dear, I can't hear you.
- Mr. Pepperwood.
- I'm gonna move closer.
- Stay over there.
How you doing, man,
I'm Julius Pepperwood.
- Edgar.
- What are you doing?
If you don't mind me asking,
why are you late today, Edgar?
Traffic. It really killed me.
- It killed you.
- Mr. Pepperwood.
Would you say that it stabbed you?
- Say that again.
- Glasses on or off?
- Teach, if I keep them on, am I a bad boy?
- Hey.
All right, honey, I'll take them off.
Whoa, heh.
That's a whole different lens
to see that blue dress.
No.
Okay, let's re-focus.
Um, let's talk about
the, um, four classifications of conflict.
We talked about it last week.
It's in the workbook.
Um, anybody wanna help me?
Four classifications of conflict? Anybody?
Anybody?
So no one has signed up for office hours.
And I just want you to know
that you can talk to me about anything.
- Adios.
- Anything at all.
- What are you doing?
- Nothing, man. You look good in your Dockers.
What? Nothing happened.
I'm Julius Pepperwood. Let it go.
Whoops.
- Why did you do that?
- The wind.
NICK [WHISPERS]:
No, no, no.
- Everything all right?
- Yeah.
- Everything's fine.
- Good.
- What's happening right now?
- Sorry. Edgar.
I really loved your story.
I wanted to give you some notes. Is there
a time you can come for office hours?
- Yeah, that'd be really cool.
- I'm really excited.
I'm available any time, so...
- I'll check my calendar.
- Yeah.
I can't get service over here.
Wednesday I gotta go to the bird store.
Uh, what about Wednesday afternoon?
He's my uncle.
Hey, Winston, I'm glad you're home.
I know what my pogo is.
It's that I dance kind of like a sea snake.
[HISSING]
- Yeah, not even close, Schmidt.
- What are you talking...? I know this is it, man.
Is it that I barge into people's showers?
It's my caterpillar eyebrows.
Well, look. Whoosh!
- Aah!
- They're gone.
Nick, you've gone way too far.
Way too far.
- If you're here for Edgar's notebook, too late.
- Where's the notebook?
Nick, what's my one rule?
- Do not steal your yarn.
- Don't steal my yarn, man.
It's my one thing.
- Look at what was inside of his notebook.
- He was doodling in class, Nick.
Weapons dripping with blood?
- That is not a doodle.
- What are you, the doodle police?
[SCOFFS]
- There's no doodle police, are there?
- Really?
I can't believe you still don't believe me.
Jessica.
Exhibit D. He did this.
I'm going to Edgar's for proof.
You're not spying on the student
I have a connection with.
- I have the address here. Hey, give...
- No.
- I have the address memorized.
- Fine, then I'm coming too.
To bail you out of jail.
When you get arrested for trespassing.
Fine. Then you'll see that I was right.
- Fine.
- And you'll also see who gets there first.
Maybe we should take one car.
- For the environment.
- Yeah, we can drive together.
- Fine!
- Fine!
[SIGHS]
It's my mole, isn't it?
Well, consider it gone.
- Game, set, pogo.
- Chill out, man, it's not your mole.
- Tell me. This is the worst.
- This is not the worst.
The worst is actually knowing.
Knowing that your friends sit around
every single night talking about your pogo.
What's a pogo?
- Those brows don't freak you out?
- No, I've seen worse.
A pogo is what your friends talk about
when you leave the room.
Oh. Like your barnacle toenails?
Uh...
You guys talk about my toenails?
Heh, heh, never talk about your toenails,
Schmidt.
Talk about how my toenails are...
Are rugged?
Woodsy.
I mean, I have never wondered
if you could shimmy up a palm tree.
But it's because I have a keratin surplus.
I mean, they're not that bad.
Look at these things.
Aah! Schmidt. It looks like
an open Swiss army knife.
Most are hard, but one is really soft.
I know, I know, I know, well, just talk
about what my pogo is. What's my pogo?
Is it the way I say pan? Pan. Pan. Pan.
Look, Cece. This is more
of just a loft thing.
Just thank your lucky stars
you don't have calcified mongrel toes.
[TOENAILS CLICKING ON FLOOR]
Things sound like a dang old crab.
There is it. If anything's gonna go down,
we need a safe word.
- Nothing's gonna go down unless we make it.
- If Pepperwood taught me anything...
- There's no Pepperwood.
- It's never get caught without a safe word.
- We're gonna go with apricot.
- Too normal. We need something weird.
- Like dragonslippers.
- What?
I use apricot too much in my normal life.
Why do you use apricot so much?
What am I supposed to call them?
Sweet tangy balls?
Don't call them sweet tangy balls, Jess.
Well, that's why we can't use...
Nick.
Nick.
Nick. Nick. Tell...
- Nick.
- Call me Julius Pepperwood, please.
You look ridiculous.
If we're hiding from people
why does it matter what I call you?
- I got my eyes, you get my six.
- No. What does this mean?
- This means right-turn bicycle.
- This means stop.
Nick, seriously, use your words.
Don't use...
- Okay, these are my...
...freaking SWAT sign language.
Apricot, apricot, apricot.
Close your mouth, close your eyes.
Edgar lives with his mother.
Of course he does.
So? A lot of normal people live
with their mothers. Like my Uncle Randy.
- He can't go near parks.
- He was cleared.
[CAR ENGINE APPROACHES]
- Aah!
- Apricot. Apricot.
Get over here now.
[EDGAR GRUNTS]
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
[WHISPERS]
What's in that duffel bag?
He's the plumber from the story.
How did I not see this before?
[WHISPERS]: What was I saying?
- You're right.
- Yes, say that again.
- You were right about everything.
- Don't forget, you're saying I was right.
- I can't believe it.
- What the hell is in that duffel bag?
- I don't know.
- No, Nick. You're gonna get us in trouble.
- Get down.
Nick.
Shh.
[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING
"I'M SO EXCITED"]
Oh, my God.
- Turn it off.
- Oh, my God, it's Edgar.
You turn it off. Here, give it to me.
You turn it off.
I don't know how to do this.
[MUSIC STOPS]
NICK [IN NORMAL VOICE]:
Get the hell of out here.
[GRUNTS]
Jess, what are you doing? That is ridiculous.
There's plenty of room.
- Why would you go under a van?
- Let's leave.
You'll not believe what happened.
Nick was right.
NICK: I was right.
- Oh, my God.
What happened to your eyebrows?
You look like Audrey Hepburn.
Do we own
an industrial-size paper cutter?
- Aah!
- Whatever.
- What is that?
- This is the eating area.
Winston told me you guys make fun
of my gremlin nails.
That you call them clickety-clacks.
Or centaur boots.
- What's wrong with you?
- What is wrong with me?
Besides my pogo.
I told him. It popped out.
You understand what that's like, right?
Don't act like we don't talk about you two
behind your backs.
Because we do.
You both have pogos, my friends.
Okay, let's take a deep breath
and ask ourselves...
...if this conversation
is worth ruining our friendships over.
Tell me my pogo.
I need to know my pogo.
You guys need to tell me.
- I can take it. Lay it on me.
- You know, it's kind of a loft thing.
- Is it my pies? Are they too tart?
- Pies can't be a pogo, okay?
- My koala claws, now that's a pogo.
- At least you can hide your pogo in a shoe.
They make shoes for your penis.
They're called pants.
- Tell me my pogo.
- No.
- Tell me my pogo.
- You're a know-it-all.
- Huge.
- The worst.
I'm the worst know-it-all in the world?
Please.
I hate hyperbolic speak. Please.
Now you know your pogo,
you truly know it all.
There I go being a smartass again,
I mean, that could be my pogo.
And then there was one.
No, no, no, I'm sure that you guys
have stuff you laugh at me about.
We don't laugh about your pogo, Nick.
- We're worried about you.
- You're worried about me?
- We're worried you're not gonna make it.
- To what?
In general.
You don't take care of yourself.
I'll crumple vitamins
and put them in your food.
We all take turns sneaking money into your
pants before you put them in the dryer.
Yeah, well, I hope you're happy.
The pogos are out.
Loft dynamic is ruined.
[IN BABY VOICE]
What if I talk like a baby?
You're still hot.
That's all we're gonna talk about.
A tiny little baby.
Cut into these, please.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
A ladder.
That'll work too.
[GRUNTING]
Okay.
Oh, this is bad.
This is... This is really bad.
Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no.
Oh, God, oh, God.
[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING
"I'M SO EXCITED"]
- Hello.
- Jess, he wants to kill you.
- What?
- I am in his shed right now.
- There are drawings on the wall of you.
- What?
And bloody weapons.
And googly eyes. The googly eyes are
actually kind of sexy, but that's beside...
Jess, I will not let you be in a room alone
with this guy.
You're the deer in his story.
He wants to kill you.
You're the deer. You're the deer.
- I'm at school and I'm doing office hours.
- Get out now.
Okay, I'll just keep you on the line
and then I'll say the safe word, okay?
I'll just say it like...
Apricots. Apricots.
- Good, yeah, that's what you say if you see...
- Apricots. Really apricots.
Oh, no, okay, okay, stop it. He's there, okay.
I thought it was gonna be dragonslippers.
Is this a bad time, or...?
No, no, no, I just have a deaf grocer.
Apricots. Apricots... And butter.
I'm coming. I'm...
[YELLS]
Welcome to office hours. Um...
- I found my ending.
- Yeah?
It's pretty risky.
I'm not sure I'm gonna be able
to get away with it.
[GIGGLES]
[GRUNTS]
Remember when you told me to base
my characters on people from my own life?
- Well, I based one on you.
- So flattered.
And then I realized that there was
only one way for the story to end.
You need to die.
[WHISPERS]
Apricot. Apricot.
No! Hey!
[YODELS]
[YODELING]
Look at that notebook
[GASPS]
You said great literature is surprising.
What's more surprising
than killing your main character?
What about this? Go with me.
What if, um...?
What if my character lives
and the book just goes on?
Imagine coming to the end of the book
and then just finding a lot more book.
Surprise.
[JESS' CELL PHONE PLAYING
"I'M SO EXCITED"]
- I heard that song yesterday.
- This song is everywhere.
- Were you at my house?
- No.
Okay, thank you, goodbye.
- No.
- I have to go. Right now.
- Apricot's leaving, Apricot's leaving.
- Oh, good.
I'm so happy you're alive. Okay,
stay inside and lock the door. I am coming.
- I am going to protect...
- Gotcha!
Nick. Pepperwood. Nick.
Burglar? He's not a burglar.
He's Julius Pepperwood from Chicago.
- Let's get him in the house.
- DA's gonna have my badge for this.
No. Get off of him.
You kill him, you kill me too.
Get away from my Edgar.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
My eyes.
My giant eyes!
You thought I was a murderer?
You thought I was a murderer of people?
- You said you were gonna kill me, I don't know.
- Your character.
- In my graphic novel.
- He's an excellent artist.
Okay, but your drawings,
they don't have any eyes.
- Can't draw eyes. It's weird.
- Can't draw eyes.
- There's a reason for everything.
- What about the bag?
- Don't ask about the bag.
- Don't ask about the bag. Bitch.
- Whoa! Hey, man.
- Whoa!
Hey, take this as a compliment, pal,
your stories are so real.
Well, it's because of what you taught me.
You listened?
Well, of course I listened,
you were a good teacher.
Until you thought I was a murderer
and you broke into my shed.
You were my favorite student
until I thought you were a murderer.
Your son's a really great writer.
- He's not my son.
- Oh!
Are you kidding? Really?
EDGAR:
Real nice, you two.
Come here, baby.
Oh, my God, you smell like waffles.
I love it, did you just make some waffles?
- Wanna eat me up?
- Yes, I do.
I'll meet you inside,
I'm gonna get the bag.
- Yes, do.
- Okay.
- Hey, Nick. What are you doing up?
- Just taking care of myself.
- Are you putting butter on bacon?
- I don't want it to stick to the pan.
Okay, did you...?
Great, that's just what bacon needs,
more fat.
And salt. What's this?
- Don't read that, I'm not finished...
- "Julius Pepperwood...
...Zombie Detective"?
All his murder victims are already dead,
so they obviously don't need a detective.
- I'm working on it.
- "The night was inky hot."
- Don't do this.
- "She strode into his office...
...with a sense of purpose, place.
- Another word here?"
- I'm looking for another P word there.
"She had zombie legs
that went on for miles.
They were the kind of legs
you could sink your teeth into.
Pepperwood had two friends.
One if you count his hat.
The other was his gal Friday,
Jessica Night."
It's not you, Jess.
"She was small in stature, but not in spunk
and a super annoying know-it-all."
- Good evening.
JESS: Hello.
[SCHMIDT SNIFFING]
Mm, bacon.
- Where the hell did you come from?
- I came from my room.
NICK: I didn't hear the pitter-patter
of disgusting feet.
Cut my toenails.
And the soaking really worked. Look.
They're gorgeous now.
Went down a full shoe size.
Guys, fire!
- My God.
NICK: Everybody, relax.
- Call the firemen.
WINSTON: You call the firemen.
You can't put out a grease fire with water,
you have to smother it.
- Why didn't you say that before?
- Don't wanna be a know-it-all.
- You're so stupid.
- Shut up.
Whoo!
SCHMIDT: Nice.
- Yeah.
NICK:
Amazing, my man. Whoa!
I didn't know you were gonna put
your arm around me. I'm so sorry.
Oh, you put up your pup tent
in front of the fire.
WINSTON:
It's involuntary.
It is a combination of adrenaline
and great circulation.
And I'd appreciate it if you don't just
hug me randomly. That's weird and...
[NICK & SCHMIDT CHUCKLE]
You ever notice when Winston runs
that he kind of farts while he's running?
Yes. Sounds like a jalopy.
- New pogo.
- Yes.
Oh, we got a great new pogo.
He farts when he runs.
[MAKING FLATULENCE SOUNDS]