New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 15 - Cooler - full transcript
Jess is considered to be a cool force when she goes out with the guys, so they go out to find women and leave her at home. Jess hears noises outside and asks the guys and their dates to return. Party games begin, and Nick has to kiss Jess.
Yeah. Look at how handsome I look.
- That is a woman's coat.
- This coat has clean lines...
...and pockets that don't quit.
- And it has room for your hips.
And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.
- Wearing a dress.
- Don't say hot to trot.
My coat makes me say things like that.
- Nick, it is not your coat.
- True, it was delivered to the wrong address.
But then tell me,
why does it fit like a damn glove?
What's happening to you?
I don't know if I could give up
looking this damn good.
[GRUNTING]
It's someone else's woman's coat.
Nothing? I mean, nothing?
Damn it. I've been trying to get something
going with myself for a full hour.
It's like a taffy pull
on a hot summer's day.
- Ew!
- Damn, man.
- You have the door open, Schmidt.
- I'm over myself.
I just don't do it for me anymore.
I even bought myself sexy underpants to spice things up.
Did nothing. I just laid there.
You know what? That's it.
Tonight, I start having sex again.
Now, are you two gonna join me?
- Is that the way you wanted to say that?
- I'm in, Schmidty.
- We're gonna have sex tonight.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah!
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS:
Who's that girl?
It's Jess
I like this feeling, you guys.
I'm liking the vibe that we got going here.
- There's going to be some sex tonight.
- Well, damn it, there needs to be.
Do you know I haven't had sex
since Labor Day? Pfft.
I know what the problem is,
I want it too bad.
So what's your name?
[PEOPLE CHATTERING
AND MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[STAMMERING]
Yeah.
You just need a confidence boost.
Good news. I'm lousy with the stuff.
I got your back. And you, London Fog,
you're looking hot to trot.
- Any chance you're gonna take that coat off?
- No way.
- Take the jacket off.
- No.
- No, it's fine. Band of Brothers.
- Band of Brothers. Yeah.
SCHMIDT: Love's up!
NICK: Dance, dummy.
Hey, guys, guess what.
Sam has the late shift
and Cece's on a date with some guy...
...so world's best wing woman
reporting for duty.
Jess, you can't come.
- What?
- Look, I actually want to get girls tonight.
- You're my cooler.
- What?
All I do is help get you laid, Nick.
Maureen, did you have
one very special long-time love?
- Yes.
- You should be with him.
- I'm not your cooler.
- It's not you.
It's the way that you behave And the things you say.
The look on your face.
It is you.
It's just you. You're the cooler. I'm
sorry, but you can't come with us tonight.
I get it. Um, I just...
I have a lot of things I have to do here.
More important stuff to do here.
I have to clean out my closet,
and I have an ice cream maker to try out.
- That's better than going to a stupid club.
- It's gonna be awesome. Gonna be great.
Get out of here, girl,
you're missing nothing.
- It's gonna get so crazy! Get crunk with us, bro.
SCHMIDT: Come on, Winnie, get in it.
Yeah.
I can't believe you got us kicked out
of the disco.
- I didn't do anything.
- Take the coat off. It freaks girls out.
Maybe they're freaked out
because you're not wearing a trench coat.
Okay. Guys, please.
No more friendly fire.
Okay. Ooh.
Schmidty type. That's a Schmidty type.
- You know. That's a Schmidty type.
NICK: Yeah.
- That's me. That's me. That's me.
- Schmidty time. Schmidty time.
Mm. Yeah.
- Dude. What about Band of Brothers?
- What?
Your friendship means nothing to me.
WINSTON: Hey.
- Hey.
I was, uh...
Most... Unh...
- Yeah. Ahem. In the beginning...
- Tap out, man. Tap out.
- What happened to building my confidence?
- You went in too soon. Get out of here. Go.
- Hey.
- What's happening?
Hi.
[SIGHS]
Wow, that was embarrassing.
[STAMMERING]
Uh... Well...
You can relax. I'm taken.
- You were very beautiful from across the bar.
- I'm sorry. I'm Schmidt.
I'm sorry. We were talking, Schmidt.
What a 10. What a beautiful woman.
- He works here. As a bartender.
- Yeah, I do.
[LAUGHING]
What do you think, Nick?
I'm bored!
No bottoms! No bottoms!
Bottoms on top!
Robot can't find clothes to fit right.
Robot can't find clothes.
[IN SLOW VOICE]
I do it for Kenya!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Silver?
Damn you, Zimbabwe.
[THUMP]
Hello?
[SCRATCHING ON DOOR]
Hello?
- Nice coat you got.
- I wear it because it gives me confidence.
- That's sad.
- Know what's really sad? He stole the jacket.
It's not technically stealing.
- He's still reeling from being dumped.
- Oh.
- He's attached to it. Like a little bitch blankie.
- It's not like a blankie.
It's not like my blankie.
I'm out to make sure
he doesn't do anything stupid.
I'm not gonna... Shut up, Schmidt.
- I mean, I could take care of you. If you wanted.
- What?
I love sad guys,
and you seem sadder than most.
I think your plan sounds okay.
When you go home, do you look in the mirror
and think, "I am the worst"?
Actually, yes, I do.
HOLLY: Yeah?
- Yeah. A lot of the times.
- You hate yourself?
- I definitely don't like myself. It's on the line.
What the hell is this?
I don't know how to talk to women.
Reason being, I feel like you all think
that I just want one thing from you.
I want the one thing. But a bunch of other...
Can't a man just want all the things? Damn.
I like a challenge.
And you are one big challenge.
- I'm Daisy.
- Winston.
Sam, it's Jess. Please come get me.
I'm probably fine. But
I also might be dead.
Goodbye.
CECE [ON RECORDING]:
It's Cece. Leave a message.
Cece, it's Jess. Call me back.
I'm alone in the loft.
I think there's something out...
[PHONE BEEPS]
There's something sexy about a man...
...who needs me to make him feel better.
- I need you to make me feel better.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Your phone's ringing.
- Not now.
Hey, Jess. It's Jess.
- You should really talk to her. You have a call.
- I'm so sad.
Don't do this, Schmidt. Please don't.
You are the dumbest...
Would you wait one second?
I just have to do this.
I'll be sad in a second.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm sad.
- Okay.
- What is going on?
- There's something at the door.
- You have to come home.
- Jess, you are being a cooler.
Seriously, I think it might be gang-related.
I've always worried about my blue curtains.
- [WHISPERS] Crips.
- The cri...? Jess, I'm done.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Nick, I need you.
So this is the place. Glad you're here.
Bedrooms are that way.
[ALL SCREAMING]
What are you doing, pal?
Never leave me alone again.
I'd like to introduce you
to our roommate Jess.
Welcome to our home.
Jess, this loft has old pipes.
I've told you that a million times...
...but you never listen during pipe talk.
- Well, pipe talk's boring.
- What is this?
- What is wha...?
[SCOFFS]
- You drew my face on a melon?
- What was I supposed to draw your face on?
- Nothing. Don't draw my face.
- Okay.
Jess, for some reason, that girl out there is
sexually aroused by other people's misery.
Do you understand the position
that puts me in?
- It puts you in a really good position?
- It does.
And then what happened?
I understand how in this instance
I might have cooled things off for you.
- Thank you for admitting that.
- I am prepared to fix it.
Because, son, I'm gonna get you laid.
Okay, that's not how it is. And never call me son.
And don't talk like that.
The game is True American,
but with a sexy new twist. Clinton rules.
- Pick your interns.
HOLLY: I don't understand the game.
I can be your intern.
It's not just stripping.
- What are the rules?
NICK: The floor is lava.
JESS: Couch is the Mason-Dixon Line.
- We're not doing cabinet.
- No cabinet?
- No cabinet.
One, two, three, four, JFK.
- FDR!
NICK: Go! Go!
Lava!
Down. Down in the tunnels.
- You're the vice president.
- Joe Biden.
- It's Abu Nazir!
- No, no, no, spin, spin.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Oh, no, no, no, Holly.
You're in the amber waves of grain.
- You have to lose your jacket.
- Take off your jacket, she's right.
Those are the rules.
- Is there, like, a printout of the rules?
- No!
- I thought this was, like, music...
- Howard Dean scream.
Yah!
God. I am sorry I was crying so much.
God, that film, it just reminded me
how much I wanna have kids, you know?
Was that just a really weird thing
to say on a first date?
- No. No, no, not at all.
- Are you sure? Felt a bit weird.
[PHONE BEEPS]
My best friend has texted
me, like, 12 times.
- I get it. You're trying to get out of the date.
- No, this is real.
Some psycho keeps scratching at her door,
then running away.
She's pretty sure it's the Calabasas Scratcher.
I mean... Is that a thing?
- I don't keep up with local news.
- No. It's fine. You don't have to lie to me.
- I get it.
- You can come with me. Then you'll see.
- Oh. All right.
- She's just like this.
ALL [CHANTING]: Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
SCHMIDT: Gettysburg.
Bull Run!
No, look, I fell. No.
- In the course of human events, you must...
ALL: Surrender your shirt!
- I'll take off my shirt.
- He did it on purpose to impress her!
- U.S.A.
- I am not a crook!
- I am not a crook!
- Don't be mad.
I took my shirt off.
It's part of the game, guys!
- Up, up, up.
- Up, up. Oh, wow.
This footstool really reminds me of my ex.
Liar. Holly, Holly, look at these.
These are my abs.
- Yeah.
- Hard to believe I used to be a big fat person.
- Oh, fat makes me so sad.
SCHMIDT: Makes me sad.
- I'm chubby. I'm a fat guy. I'm a fat boy.
- You look great, man.
Feel where the fat used to be?
It's been replaced with phantom fat.
I still feel it jiggle.
Hey! Schmidt! Your butt just violated the
Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act. Westward ho, son.
- Westward ho.
- Bye-bye, Schmidt.
Damn it!
Come on, all you gotta do is talk to her.
What's the big deal? Okay.
We're at the bar. I'm Holly.
Boy, am I thirsty.
I was wondering if, like...
If you wanna perchance, like...
- Perchance? Really?
- Hm? No. Uh...
You're a swell kind of gal.
- Getting worse.
- I... You come on over to the bar.
Hey, girl, what your name is?
- My God.
- What that thing do?
- Oh, my God.
- No.
- Out of all the gals in... You walked into mine.
- Please.
Yeah, take a sip.
Okay, look, I think you're amazing,
would you like to have a drink with me?
Yes. Yes, I will.
Now give me that.
- This coat's an unfair advantage.
- I love the coat.
- Take the coat off!
- Don't hit me, Schmidt.
Hey! Hey! No! Order! Order!
All right, there's only one way to solve this.
Two of us have to go behind the Iron Curtain...
...which is that door there, and kiss.
And there has to be
a clear and present threat of tongue.
- This is why I voted for her.
- Holly, you ready for this?
- Okay?
- Let's do the count. The two, three or four.
- So when we do this, do two.
- Okay.
NICK: Two. Two, do you hear me? Two. Not...
JESS: One, two, three.
What are you doing?
- You said not to do a two!
NICK: I made it so clear.
[LAUGHING]
- No!
- No!
- Mulligan! Mulligan! Mulligan!
- Holly, wait for me! I'm very sad!
- [CHANTING] Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
- Open the door! Open the door!
[WHISTLING]
I can see how in this second instance
I might be considered a cooler.
- If you wanna label me.
- You think?
[CHANTING] Kiss, kiss, kiss!
Okay, we kissed. Let us out.
Sent you a picture.
[PHONES BEEPING]
WINSTON:
That ain't no kiss, man.
Come on, Inspector Gadget,
inspect those tonsils.
Just give Jess a tender, sensual kiss
and we will let you right out.
- Shut up, Schmidt!
- Stay out of this!
Stop yelling at me! I'm 10 percent
more emotionally fragile than Nick.
No, no. Don't. No. Please.
- Holly, do you mind if I tell you a story?
- Is it sad?
Holly, he's really happy!
He's got a 401(k) and a six-pack!
It's the tale of an uber-successful
marketing executive's journey...
NICK: I'm hairy and chubby!
...Into heartbreak.
- Mm-hm.
- Her name was Cecilia.
No!
Come on, come on. Holly, wait!
Ugh. What is the big deal?
- Let's just suck it up and French a little.
- Okay, fine.
Don't say, "Let's suck it up
and French a little."
Okay, fine. Let's do this.
- What were you doing?
- I thought you were sitting on the ground.
No. Okay. Jess. All right. Hey.
This is not a big deal.
- Okay. Not a big deal.
- Let's just do it.
- Let's just do it. Let's just do it.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay, cool.
- Why are you licking your lips?
- Should I not? You want dry lips?
- No.
- I'm licking them to make them better.
- Okay.
- Fine.
- Do it.
- I'm doing it.
- Fine, then do it.
- Are you a tonguer?
- Am I a "tonguer"?
I don't wanna put my tongue in your mouth
if you don't like it.
- Just kiss me.
- Great. That's what I'm gonna do.
All right.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
- One, two... I'm actually not gonna do a count.
- Okay.
- That's not my style. I don't count down.
- Okay. Okay.
- Ready?
- Yep.
- I'm sorry. You can't do that.
- What did I do?
- Your face. Yeah.
- My face?
- You can't do that with your face.
- I'll do something different with my face.
What, you can't kiss with your teeth.
Okay, I... No, I can't.
Well, you can't try to kiss me like a joker
and expect...
Let me out of here!
Sometimes I hear her name
when the wind blows.
[IMITATES WIND BLOWING]
Cece.
You know, I left something behind in the
desert that day. My faith in true love.
And my future bi-racial child.
You kind of lost me there.
Not really doing it for me.
- It's more depressing than sad.
- It's not depre...
- It's not depressing.
- It's not doing it for me.
I'll tell you why it's not.
She is still in love with me. I'm over it.
Completely.
Having said that, it's so hard to move on.
- Know what I mean?
- Yeah.
Can you help me move on?
Can you heal my pain?
- I can heal your pain.
- Can you pl... Yeah, you can heal my...
Jess? Where's Jess?
Jess, where are you?
I came as fast as I can.
NICK: Cece, open the door.
JESS: Cece, don't worry!
- I'm trapped until I kiss Nick.
- I need to kill Schmidt.
- What?
- You're the...? She's the Cece?
- Right there in the flesh.
- Oh, my... You are obsessed.
Oh. Cece, honey, you have to move on.
Okay? You can't love somebody forever.
- I'm sorry, you love that small shiny man?
- No.
- What do you mean, "small"?
- None of this is true. No.
- Because I am on a date.
- Should we make out to make him jealous?
- You lying to me? I hate being lied to.
- I'd never lie to you.
I haven't lied to you this whole time
we've been in this loft. That's a fact.
- Cece.
- Hey.
Please tell me, in front of Holly,
how much you still love me.
- Is this why we came here?
- I don't know what that accent is.
- English.
- I speak English. That didn't sound like English.
It will be my final request.
I promise. So both of us can move on.
Because, you know,
I'd really like to move on.
- I get it.
- I'd like to move on all night.
Okay, I get it!
I'm only gonna say this one more time.
I always have and always will love you.
You know, this is the most elaborate way to get
out of dating me I've ever experienced, so...
[MOUTHS] Thank you.
Winnie, it's Nicky! Open the door, man.
- The game's over.
- We were working together.
I was gonna start on your confidence
and work up to your facial hair.
- What's your fiancé gonna say about that?
- This?
I just wear it so guys don't
hit on me in bars. I'm single.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- Why don't I tell you?
- Okay. I'm waiting.
- Mm... Unh... So...
- Still waiting.
NICK: Don't say anything.
JESS: She sounds weird. Let us out.
NICK: Open the door.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
I just want something I can hold
C-minus. You kiss like a damn bitch.
- Oh, you're messing with me? Okay.
- Little bit.
[NICK SIGHS]
Nick, I'm gonna admit it.
I might be your cooler.
- I chalk it up to bad timing.
- Thank you for admitting that.
But to be fair, you are your own cooler
70 percent of the time.
Some basic grooming, Nick,
and you'd be smoking hot.
I'd be smoking hot?
- You'd be smoking hot.
- You do wanna kiss me.
- All bets are off if you take a shower.
- Heh, heh. That is very nice of you.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Jess! Are you okay?
- I got your message. What's happening?
- Sam! I'm so sorry!
- It was a false alarm.
- All right.
What are you doing back there?
ALL [CHANTING]:
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- Okay, let's just do this already. Kiss me.
- No. I'm not gonna kiss you.
- Kiss me.
- Jess, stop!
- God, Miller, just kiss me already.
- No, not like this.
- That... That...
- What? What does that mean?
No, I didn't... Nothing. I just...
I didn't mean it like... I just...
We can't like that because that's not...
Do you know, like...?
It's very... Like... You don't...
That's not what it...
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
If you'll excuse me.
Nick. What are you doing?
- What are you do...?
- I'm fine.
- Nick!
- Just move this here like that.
- Okay. This makes sense.
- What are you doing?
I just need air. I think I'm panicking.
What are you doing?
- This is what I needed. This is...
Ah, ha, ha! JESS: No. Nick!
You don't have to kiss me.
Help! Help me! I've made
a very bad mistake!
- Nick! No!
CECE: What are you doing?
- Somebody open this window. Help!
SCHMIDT: He's gonna jump! Oh...
You scared me half to death out there.
- Are you not getting enough attention?
- I'm fine! I am fine.
You wouldn't let me out.
I was partly joking.
- We'll discuss this in the morning.
- Yes.
But first, I'm gonna go
do stuff with a girl.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
I'm glad you're okay.
Hey, Nick? If you ever feel the urge
to jump again, you call me.
Thank you.
I am genuinely afraid of her.
I wish you didn't do that. Close the door.
Thank God.
[CHUCKLING]
That was frigging hilarious!
I mean, Jess, he jumped out on a ledge instead
of kissing you. Can you believe that?
- I'm an idiot.
- Well, he's missing out.
- You wanna go to bed? Okay.
- Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES]
[SCRATCHING ON DOOR]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Nick! The scratching's back.
All right. All right.
Jess, I'll take care of it. Relax.
There's nobody there.
[GRUNTING]
Hornbeck! Brian! Down!
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sometimes he gets on... Is that my coat?
What? I thought my package
was delivered here.
I was knocking and knocking.
Are you sleeping in it?
- He might've been.
BETH: Why?
It's a fantastic coat.
It gives me confidence.
- That is a woman's coat. What are you doing?
- All right.
- Give her the coat, Nick.
- I love this coat.
So much weird crap happens
in this apartment.
He's really sorry.
BETH:
God.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Well, I guess the old Nick is back, huh?
- Yeah, I'm gonna miss Trench Coat Nick.
- Heh, heh, heh.
- He was pretty great.
- I might miss him.
I liked him.
He had guts.
- It was a woman's coat. Heh, heh.
- Heh, heh, heh.
- Good night, Nick.
- Good night.
I'd meant something like that.
Oh, uh...
Hey, babe, do you mind
if I put this somewhere else?
It's kind of creeping me out
when I'm trying to go to sleep.
- Yeah, that's fine. Ahem. That's fine.
- Cool.
- That is a woman's coat.
- This coat has clean lines...
...and pockets that don't quit.
- And it has room for your hips.
And when I wear it, I feel hot to trot.
- Wearing a dress.
- Don't say hot to trot.
My coat makes me say things like that.
- Nick, it is not your coat.
- True, it was delivered to the wrong address.
But then tell me,
why does it fit like a damn glove?
What's happening to you?
I don't know if I could give up
looking this damn good.
[GRUNTING]
It's someone else's woman's coat.
Nothing? I mean, nothing?
Damn it. I've been trying to get something
going with myself for a full hour.
It's like a taffy pull
on a hot summer's day.
- Ew!
- Damn, man.
- You have the door open, Schmidt.
- I'm over myself.
I just don't do it for me anymore.
I even bought myself sexy underpants to spice things up.
Did nothing. I just laid there.
You know what? That's it.
Tonight, I start having sex again.
Now, are you two gonna join me?
- Is that the way you wanted to say that?
- I'm in, Schmidty.
- We're gonna have sex tonight.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah!
[SINGING] Who's that girl?
CHORUS:
Who's that girl?
It's Jess
I like this feeling, you guys.
I'm liking the vibe that we got going here.
- There's going to be some sex tonight.
- Well, damn it, there needs to be.
Do you know I haven't had sex
since Labor Day? Pfft.
I know what the problem is,
I want it too bad.
So what's your name?
[PEOPLE CHATTERING
AND MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[STAMMERING]
Yeah.
You just need a confidence boost.
Good news. I'm lousy with the stuff.
I got your back. And you, London Fog,
you're looking hot to trot.
- Any chance you're gonna take that coat off?
- No way.
- Take the jacket off.
- No.
- No, it's fine. Band of Brothers.
- Band of Brothers. Yeah.
SCHMIDT: Love's up!
NICK: Dance, dummy.
Hey, guys, guess what.
Sam has the late shift
and Cece's on a date with some guy...
...so world's best wing woman
reporting for duty.
Jess, you can't come.
- What?
- Look, I actually want to get girls tonight.
- You're my cooler.
- What?
All I do is help get you laid, Nick.
Maureen, did you have
one very special long-time love?
- Yes.
- You should be with him.
- I'm not your cooler.
- It's not you.
It's the way that you behave And the things you say.
The look on your face.
It is you.
It's just you. You're the cooler. I'm
sorry, but you can't come with us tonight.
I get it. Um, I just...
I have a lot of things I have to do here.
More important stuff to do here.
I have to clean out my closet,
and I have an ice cream maker to try out.
- That's better than going to a stupid club.
- It's gonna be awesome. Gonna be great.
Get out of here, girl,
you're missing nothing.
- It's gonna get so crazy! Get crunk with us, bro.
SCHMIDT: Come on, Winnie, get in it.
Yeah.
I can't believe you got us kicked out
of the disco.
- I didn't do anything.
- Take the coat off. It freaks girls out.
Maybe they're freaked out
because you're not wearing a trench coat.
Okay. Guys, please.
No more friendly fire.
Okay. Ooh.
Schmidty type. That's a Schmidty type.
- You know. That's a Schmidty type.
NICK: Yeah.
- That's me. That's me. That's me.
- Schmidty time. Schmidty time.
Mm. Yeah.
- Dude. What about Band of Brothers?
- What?
Your friendship means nothing to me.
WINSTON: Hey.
- Hey.
I was, uh...
Most... Unh...
- Yeah. Ahem. In the beginning...
- Tap out, man. Tap out.
- What happened to building my confidence?
- You went in too soon. Get out of here. Go.
- Hey.
- What's happening?
Hi.
[SIGHS]
Wow, that was embarrassing.
[STAMMERING]
Uh... Well...
You can relax. I'm taken.
- You were very beautiful from across the bar.
- I'm sorry. I'm Schmidt.
I'm sorry. We were talking, Schmidt.
What a 10. What a beautiful woman.
- He works here. As a bartender.
- Yeah, I do.
[LAUGHING]
What do you think, Nick?
I'm bored!
No bottoms! No bottoms!
Bottoms on top!
Robot can't find clothes to fit right.
Robot can't find clothes.
[IN SLOW VOICE]
I do it for Kenya!
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Silver?
Damn you, Zimbabwe.
[THUMP]
Hello?
[SCRATCHING ON DOOR]
Hello?
- Nice coat you got.
- I wear it because it gives me confidence.
- That's sad.
- Know what's really sad? He stole the jacket.
It's not technically stealing.
- He's still reeling from being dumped.
- Oh.
- He's attached to it. Like a little bitch blankie.
- It's not like a blankie.
It's not like my blankie.
I'm out to make sure
he doesn't do anything stupid.
I'm not gonna... Shut up, Schmidt.
- I mean, I could take care of you. If you wanted.
- What?
I love sad guys,
and you seem sadder than most.
I think your plan sounds okay.
When you go home, do you look in the mirror
and think, "I am the worst"?
Actually, yes, I do.
HOLLY: Yeah?
- Yeah. A lot of the times.
- You hate yourself?
- I definitely don't like myself. It's on the line.
What the hell is this?
I don't know how to talk to women.
Reason being, I feel like you all think
that I just want one thing from you.
I want the one thing. But a bunch of other...
Can't a man just want all the things? Damn.
I like a challenge.
And you are one big challenge.
- I'm Daisy.
- Winston.
Sam, it's Jess. Please come get me.
I'm probably fine. But
I also might be dead.
Goodbye.
CECE [ON RECORDING]:
It's Cece. Leave a message.
Cece, it's Jess. Call me back.
I'm alone in the loft.
I think there's something out...
[PHONE BEEPS]
There's something sexy about a man...
...who needs me to make him feel better.
- I need you to make me feel better.
[PHONE RINGING]
- Your phone's ringing.
- Not now.
Hey, Jess. It's Jess.
- You should really talk to her. You have a call.
- I'm so sad.
Don't do this, Schmidt. Please don't.
You are the dumbest...
Would you wait one second?
I just have to do this.
I'll be sad in a second.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm sad.
- Okay.
- What is going on?
- There's something at the door.
- You have to come home.
- Jess, you are being a cooler.
Seriously, I think it might be gang-related.
I've always worried about my blue curtains.
- [WHISPERS] Crips.
- The cri...? Jess, I'm done.
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Nick, I need you.
So this is the place. Glad you're here.
Bedrooms are that way.
[ALL SCREAMING]
What are you doing, pal?
Never leave me alone again.
I'd like to introduce you
to our roommate Jess.
Welcome to our home.
Jess, this loft has old pipes.
I've told you that a million times...
...but you never listen during pipe talk.
- Well, pipe talk's boring.
- What is this?
- What is wha...?
[SCOFFS]
- You drew my face on a melon?
- What was I supposed to draw your face on?
- Nothing. Don't draw my face.
- Okay.
Jess, for some reason, that girl out there is
sexually aroused by other people's misery.
Do you understand the position
that puts me in?
- It puts you in a really good position?
- It does.
And then what happened?
I understand how in this instance
I might have cooled things off for you.
- Thank you for admitting that.
- I am prepared to fix it.
Because, son, I'm gonna get you laid.
Okay, that's not how it is. And never call me son.
And don't talk like that.
The game is True American,
but with a sexy new twist. Clinton rules.
- Pick your interns.
HOLLY: I don't understand the game.
I can be your intern.
It's not just stripping.
- What are the rules?
NICK: The floor is lava.
JESS: Couch is the Mason-Dixon Line.
- We're not doing cabinet.
- No cabinet?
- No cabinet.
One, two, three, four, JFK.
- FDR!
NICK: Go! Go!
Lava!
Down. Down in the tunnels.
- You're the vice president.
- Joe Biden.
- It's Abu Nazir!
- No, no, no, spin, spin.
[ALL CLAMORING]
Oh, no, no, no, Holly.
You're in the amber waves of grain.
- You have to lose your jacket.
- Take off your jacket, she's right.
Those are the rules.
- Is there, like, a printout of the rules?
- No!
- I thought this was, like, music...
- Howard Dean scream.
Yah!
God. I am sorry I was crying so much.
God, that film, it just reminded me
how much I wanna have kids, you know?
Was that just a really weird thing
to say on a first date?
- No. No, no, not at all.
- Are you sure? Felt a bit weird.
[PHONE BEEPS]
My best friend has texted
me, like, 12 times.
- I get it. You're trying to get out of the date.
- No, this is real.
Some psycho keeps scratching at her door,
then running away.
She's pretty sure it's the Calabasas Scratcher.
I mean... Is that a thing?
- I don't keep up with local news.
- No. It's fine. You don't have to lie to me.
- I get it.
- You can come with me. Then you'll see.
- Oh. All right.
- She's just like this.
ALL [CHANTING]: Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
SCHMIDT: Gettysburg.
Bull Run!
No, look, I fell. No.
- In the course of human events, you must...
ALL: Surrender your shirt!
- I'll take off my shirt.
- He did it on purpose to impress her!
- U.S.A.
- I am not a crook!
- I am not a crook!
- Don't be mad.
I took my shirt off.
It's part of the game, guys!
- Up, up, up.
- Up, up. Oh, wow.
This footstool really reminds me of my ex.
Liar. Holly, Holly, look at these.
These are my abs.
- Yeah.
- Hard to believe I used to be a big fat person.
- Oh, fat makes me so sad.
SCHMIDT: Makes me sad.
- I'm chubby. I'm a fat guy. I'm a fat boy.
- You look great, man.
Feel where the fat used to be?
It's been replaced with phantom fat.
I still feel it jiggle.
Hey! Schmidt! Your butt just violated the
Hawley-Smoot Tariff Act. Westward ho, son.
- Westward ho.
- Bye-bye, Schmidt.
Damn it!
Come on, all you gotta do is talk to her.
What's the big deal? Okay.
We're at the bar. I'm Holly.
Boy, am I thirsty.
I was wondering if, like...
If you wanna perchance, like...
- Perchance? Really?
- Hm? No. Uh...
You're a swell kind of gal.
- Getting worse.
- I... You come on over to the bar.
Hey, girl, what your name is?
- My God.
- What that thing do?
- Oh, my God.
- No.
- Out of all the gals in... You walked into mine.
- Please.
Yeah, take a sip.
Okay, look, I think you're amazing,
would you like to have a drink with me?
Yes. Yes, I will.
Now give me that.
- This coat's an unfair advantage.
- I love the coat.
- Take the coat off!
- Don't hit me, Schmidt.
Hey! Hey! No! Order! Order!
All right, there's only one way to solve this.
Two of us have to go behind the Iron Curtain...
...which is that door there, and kiss.
And there has to be
a clear and present threat of tongue.
- This is why I voted for her.
- Holly, you ready for this?
- Okay?
- Let's do the count. The two, three or four.
- So when we do this, do two.
- Okay.
NICK: Two. Two, do you hear me? Two. Not...
JESS: One, two, three.
What are you doing?
- You said not to do a two!
NICK: I made it so clear.
[LAUGHING]
- No!
- No!
- Mulligan! Mulligan! Mulligan!
- Holly, wait for me! I'm very sad!
- [CHANTING] Kiss. Kiss. Kiss.
- Open the door! Open the door!
[WHISTLING]
I can see how in this second instance
I might be considered a cooler.
- If you wanna label me.
- You think?
[CHANTING] Kiss, kiss, kiss!
Okay, we kissed. Let us out.
Sent you a picture.
[PHONES BEEPING]
WINSTON:
That ain't no kiss, man.
Come on, Inspector Gadget,
inspect those tonsils.
Just give Jess a tender, sensual kiss
and we will let you right out.
- Shut up, Schmidt!
- Stay out of this!
Stop yelling at me! I'm 10 percent
more emotionally fragile than Nick.
No, no. Don't. No. Please.
- Holly, do you mind if I tell you a story?
- Is it sad?
Holly, he's really happy!
He's got a 401(k) and a six-pack!
It's the tale of an uber-successful
marketing executive's journey...
NICK: I'm hairy and chubby!
...Into heartbreak.
- Mm-hm.
- Her name was Cecilia.
No!
Come on, come on. Holly, wait!
Ugh. What is the big deal?
- Let's just suck it up and French a little.
- Okay, fine.
Don't say, "Let's suck it up
and French a little."
Okay, fine. Let's do this.
- What were you doing?
- I thought you were sitting on the ground.
No. Okay. Jess. All right. Hey.
This is not a big deal.
- Okay. Not a big deal.
- Let's just do it.
- Let's just do it. Let's just do it.
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay, cool.
- Why are you licking your lips?
- Should I not? You want dry lips?
- No.
- I'm licking them to make them better.
- Okay.
- Fine.
- Do it.
- I'm doing it.
- Fine, then do it.
- Are you a tonguer?
- Am I a "tonguer"?
I don't wanna put my tongue in your mouth
if you don't like it.
- Just kiss me.
- Great. That's what I'm gonna do.
All right.
- Ready?
- Yeah.
- One, two... I'm actually not gonna do a count.
- Okay.
- That's not my style. I don't count down.
- Okay. Okay.
- Ready?
- Yep.
- I'm sorry. You can't do that.
- What did I do?
- Your face. Yeah.
- My face?
- You can't do that with your face.
- I'll do something different with my face.
What, you can't kiss with your teeth.
Okay, I... No, I can't.
Well, you can't try to kiss me like a joker
and expect...
Let me out of here!
Sometimes I hear her name
when the wind blows.
[IMITATES WIND BLOWING]
Cece.
You know, I left something behind in the
desert that day. My faith in true love.
And my future bi-racial child.
You kind of lost me there.
Not really doing it for me.
- It's more depressing than sad.
- It's not depre...
- It's not depressing.
- It's not doing it for me.
I'll tell you why it's not.
She is still in love with me. I'm over it.
Completely.
Having said that, it's so hard to move on.
- Know what I mean?
- Yeah.
Can you help me move on?
Can you heal my pain?
- I can heal your pain.
- Can you pl... Yeah, you can heal my...
Jess? Where's Jess?
Jess, where are you?
I came as fast as I can.
NICK: Cece, open the door.
JESS: Cece, don't worry!
- I'm trapped until I kiss Nick.
- I need to kill Schmidt.
- What?
- You're the...? She's the Cece?
- Right there in the flesh.
- Oh, my... You are obsessed.
Oh. Cece, honey, you have to move on.
Okay? You can't love somebody forever.
- I'm sorry, you love that small shiny man?
- No.
- What do you mean, "small"?
- None of this is true. No.
- Because I am on a date.
- Should we make out to make him jealous?
- You lying to me? I hate being lied to.
- I'd never lie to you.
I haven't lied to you this whole time
we've been in this loft. That's a fact.
- Cece.
- Hey.
Please tell me, in front of Holly,
how much you still love me.
- Is this why we came here?
- I don't know what that accent is.
- English.
- I speak English. That didn't sound like English.
It will be my final request.
I promise. So both of us can move on.
Because, you know,
I'd really like to move on.
- I get it.
- I'd like to move on all night.
Okay, I get it!
I'm only gonna say this one more time.
I always have and always will love you.
You know, this is the most elaborate way to get
out of dating me I've ever experienced, so...
[MOUTHS] Thank you.
Winnie, it's Nicky! Open the door, man.
- The game's over.
- We were working together.
I was gonna start on your confidence
and work up to your facial hair.
- What's your fiancé gonna say about that?
- This?
I just wear it so guys don't
hit on me in bars. I'm single.
- What are you gonna do about it?
- Why don't I tell you?
- Okay. I'm waiting.
- Mm... Unh... So...
- Still waiting.
NICK: Don't say anything.
JESS: She sounds weird. Let us out.
NICK: Open the door.
[OVER SPEAKERS]
I just want something I can hold
C-minus. You kiss like a damn bitch.
- Oh, you're messing with me? Okay.
- Little bit.
[NICK SIGHS]
Nick, I'm gonna admit it.
I might be your cooler.
- I chalk it up to bad timing.
- Thank you for admitting that.
But to be fair, you are your own cooler
70 percent of the time.
Some basic grooming, Nick,
and you'd be smoking hot.
I'd be smoking hot?
- You'd be smoking hot.
- You do wanna kiss me.
- All bets are off if you take a shower.
- Heh, heh. That is very nice of you.
[BANGING ON DOOR]
Jess! Are you okay?
- I got your message. What's happening?
- Sam! I'm so sorry!
- It was a false alarm.
- All right.
What are you doing back there?
ALL [CHANTING]:
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
- Okay, let's just do this already. Kiss me.
- No. I'm not gonna kiss you.
- Kiss me.
- Jess, stop!
- God, Miller, just kiss me already.
- No, not like this.
- That... That...
- What? What does that mean?
No, I didn't... Nothing. I just...
I didn't mean it like... I just...
We can't like that because that's not...
Do you know, like...?
It's very... Like... You don't...
That's not what it...
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
If you'll excuse me.
Nick. What are you doing?
- What are you do...?
- I'm fine.
- Nick!
- Just move this here like that.
- Okay. This makes sense.
- What are you doing?
I just need air. I think I'm panicking.
What are you doing?
- This is what I needed. This is...
Ah, ha, ha! JESS: No. Nick!
You don't have to kiss me.
Help! Help me! I've made
a very bad mistake!
- Nick! No!
CECE: What are you doing?
- Somebody open this window. Help!
SCHMIDT: He's gonna jump! Oh...
You scared me half to death out there.
- Are you not getting enough attention?
- I'm fine! I am fine.
You wouldn't let me out.
I was partly joking.
- We'll discuss this in the morning.
- Yes.
But first, I'm gonna go
do stuff with a girl.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
I'm glad you're okay.
Hey, Nick? If you ever feel the urge
to jump again, you call me.
Thank you.
I am genuinely afraid of her.
I wish you didn't do that. Close the door.
Thank God.
[CHUCKLING]
That was frigging hilarious!
I mean, Jess, he jumped out on a ledge instead
of kissing you. Can you believe that?
- I'm an idiot.
- Well, he's missing out.
- You wanna go to bed? Okay.
- Mm-hm.
[CHUCKLES]
[SCRATCHING ON DOOR]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Nick! The scratching's back.
All right. All right.
Jess, I'll take care of it. Relax.
There's nobody there.
[GRUNTING]
Hornbeck! Brian! Down!
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Sometimes he gets on... Is that my coat?
What? I thought my package
was delivered here.
I was knocking and knocking.
Are you sleeping in it?
- He might've been.
BETH: Why?
It's a fantastic coat.
It gives me confidence.
- That is a woman's coat. What are you doing?
- All right.
- Give her the coat, Nick.
- I love this coat.
So much weird crap happens
in this apartment.
He's really sorry.
BETH:
God.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Well, I guess the old Nick is back, huh?
- Yeah, I'm gonna miss Trench Coat Nick.
- Heh, heh, heh.
- He was pretty great.
- I might miss him.
I liked him.
He had guts.
- It was a woman's coat. Heh, heh.
- Heh, heh, heh.
- Good night, Nick.
- Good night.
I'd meant something like that.
Oh, uh...
Hey, babe, do you mind
if I put this somewhere else?
It's kind of creeping me out
when I'm trying to go to sleep.
- Yeah, that's fine. Ahem. That's fine.
- Cool.