New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 5 - Models - full transcript

♪ Happy birthday, dude! ♪

- Hello.
- I made you a cake.

Can't. Booked a car
show for tomorrow,

and I have been
so good this week.

- I lost four pounds.
- Oh, come on, Cece.

It's your birthday.
We're gonna eat cake,

we're gonna watch
Clueless on VHS,

and we're gonna try to make
prom dresses out of towels.

Obviously, just
like we always do.

As if!

As if is, like,
the funniest thing ever.



I wish I had a stepbrother
to fall in love with.

I know, right? Paul Rudd.

You know, actually,
I thought maybe this year,

we could go out, you know?

We go party tonight.

Let dogs out.
Catch gypsy.

Yeah. Yeah, Nadia wants me to go
to this last-minute thing

she found out about,
so I thought

we could all, you know,
just go out tonight.

- You, me, Nadia, the girls.
- The models?

Yes, Jess, the models.
Please?

You and I have never spent
my birthday apart, ever.

Except for the one time
in seventh grade

where you walked out
of my sleepover because



- you claimed...
- When you struck me in the breast.

But I didn't even touch boob,
because you know,

- we all knew you were stuffing...
- Oh, my God.

We were all stuffing.
Stuffing? We all stuffed.

- You've seen my grandmother. I was not stuffing.
- Yes, we were.

- It was seventh grade.
- I've been like this since I was seven.

- You're...
- Come out with us tonight!

- Please, please, please!
- Okay.

- Okay.
- I'll come.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

I so excited.

I shake this thing
that my mama gave me.

YOLO!

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

- ♪Who's that girl?♪
- ♪ It's Jess. ♪

The Galapagos tortoise,

- or Galapagos giant tortoise,
- Unbelievable...

Is the largest living species
of tortoise...

Spectacular.

Hey, do you think

Jess would be mad if I got
a turtle and named it Jess,

even though I had that name
picked out before she moved in?

- A turtle?
- Thinking man's best friend, Schmidty.

In our home? Over my
turtle-disease-ridden dead body.

Whatever, dream killer.
What's this?

Got you a cookie.

What, you have, like...?

Have, like, an extra?

No.

So you just, like,
got me a cookie?

Yeah, I was thinking about you.

What do you mean you
were thinking about me?

What do you mean? I don't know.
I was thinking about you.

Think about you a lot, bro.

Why?

I don't know. Because you're
my friend, you're on my mind.

What, do you not
think about me?

Of course not!

Oh.

Schmidt got me a cookie.

Oh. Very nice.

What do you guys think?

- Whoa! -
- Smokin' hot.

I'm going out tonight with Cece
and her model friends,

and I'm going for "promising
ballerina turned streetwalker."

You have too much
joie de vivre.

Okay, you want to look
a little bit more bored, tired.

Just altogether disengaged.

More tired-- more,
like, sick-like.

Really let your bones
prop you up.

Did you put shoe polish
on your eyes?

I never understand
you women-- God.

- Eye shadow, man.
- That's...?

Oh, that's makeup?

I would take that off.

That looks crazy.

Can't believe I have to deal

with the models just
to hang out with Cece.

Last time we hung out,
it was awful.

I figure
the best way to talk

to models is just point
to objects and describe them.

The table is round.

It's also flat.

Yes, the table is round,
and it's flat.

Oh, look, a lamp.

I love Cece,
and these are Cece's friends,

so I should be able
to get along with them.

I should be able
to deal with the fact

that they think
I look like a monkey...

from a Russian cracker ad.

Whatever.

It's Cece's birthday.
It's her special night.

I can get drunk,
point at furniture

if that means I can spend
some quality time with my BFF.

Hey, is it totally obvious
that I'm not wearing underwear?

♪ Because it should be. ♪

And that makes two of us.

Hey!

- You made it!
- Sorry I'm late.

They let in a lot of people
ahead of me-- like, a lot.

Saving the best for last.

Monkey cracker.

Monkey cracker.

Monkey,

monkey, where you keep
the crackers?

This is so much fun.

Schmidt?

So, it turns out

there's more than
one type of turtle.

I could go Eastern Box,
or spur thighed,

or nearsighted loner.

What was that?
You just grunt at me?

- Wasn't a grunt.
- That was a grunt, Schmidt.

- It was a "hurumph."
Hurumph.

I'm sorry if you took it the
wrong way; it was not a grunt.

Serena Williams.
That was a grunt.

It's all good, man, all right?

It's all "smoove in the groove."

Mellow, man.

Mega-mellow.

Okay.

Schmidt, what the hell
are you doing?

You don't think
about me?

- What are you talking about?
- Earlier today, when I gave you the cookie,

I heard very clearly, "I don't
think about you, Schmidt."

- Why would I think about you?!
- Because we're friends, we're not animals.

We're men, Schmidt! The only
time a man is allowed to think

about another man is
when that man is Jay Cutler.

I don't know
who Jay Cutler is!

Why are you saying
"Cutler" like that?

And I also don't know
what is allowed

in the Cold-Hearted Republic
of Nick Miller,

but I do know how I feel.

- Ugh!
- And I know how much you love cookies.

And I saw it there
behind the glass,

and I thought, "Nick Miller--
I'm gonna buy him that."

If I could give you
that cookie back, I would.

Nothing would make me happier
than to throw it up,

mash it into cookie-shape,
and shove it down your throat!

- You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?
- No, that's not...

- You wanna mama-bird me the cookie?
- No.

You're not mama-birding
anybody any cookie.

Schmidt, I don't want
to mama-bird you a cookie.

What is your problem, Schmidt?

No mama-birding here!

Okay, I think I got it, okay--
♪ Monkey, monkey ♪

♪ Where you keep your cracker? ♪

♪ Monkey, monkey,
you are comrade best! ♪

- Whoo.
- You know what?

The dance is surprisingly
sexual for a children's cracker.

- Do song again-- "Dance Monkey."
- I don't want to dance...

"Dance Monkey."

♪ Monkey, monkey ♪

♪ Where you keep
your crackers? ♪

- Dance monkey, dance monkey.
- Cracker, please!

- Dance monkey.
- Cracker, please!

- Monkey! Monkey!
- No. You know what?

Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey! Monkey! Monkey!

Monkey, monkey,
monkey!

- Dance Monkey... -
- You know what?

No! Stop it!

I don't want to, okay? I'm done.

You guys are
the worst!

You're the worst.
I'm sorry, but it's true.

All these racist in-jokes
about Romanians.

Well, guess what?
I'm one-eighth Romanian!

- Monkey, no! - And I don't know why Cece
would want to spend her birthday here.

It's like years of modeling
have made her dumber.

- Nice, Jess.
- No! Cece.

No, I'm sorry.
I didn't...

It's official.

We got to turtle-proof
this loft.

Schmidt cares about you
so much, man,

and you don't even
think about him.

Are you being serious right now?

Are you really
taking Schmidt's side on this?

I am, because
I know how you are.

I just don't know
why he would run away.

All I ever did
was love him.

This rock is so round.

I'm gonna go
put it in a jar.

And nothing has changed.
Nothing has changed, Nick.

You think Schmidt is

in the right,
and I am in the wrong here?

You realize I say good
night to you every night,

and you never say
good night back?

- No.
- What is the problem, Nick?

Do you not want me
to have a good night?

I can't just go around
saying good night to everyone,

and buying people cookies.

I am not a titan
of finance, sir.

Do you know, once a week he goes
into your room and cleans it,

and then returns everything
the way he found it?

- And I'm weird in this situation?
- The dirty old T-shirts, which he washes.

I didn't ask for that-- I like
living in my filthy messes.

That's the point, man.
You didn't have to ask.

Nobody buys people cookies
for no reason.

You still don't
get it, do you?

- Nobody.
- That wasn't a cookie, damn it! That was a...

- What?
- Man, that was a piece of his heart.

Now, if you don't mind,
good... night.

I'm sorry, but in my defense,
Nadia just spent an hour

explaining to me how to
drink vodka with my butt.

You just embarrassed me
in front of my colleagues.

Are you kidding me? It's not
like you work in the UN.

You judge me for being a model.

- Yes, I do.
- You always have.

It's your birthday, and
you won't eat cake.

Cece, you're better than
that; you really are.

I just... I just feel
sorry for you sometimes.

You feel sorry for me?

You just hit me
in the boob.

- It was an accident.
- It was not an accident.

Fine. It wasn't.

Oh... my... God!

Ho, ho.

What? Huh?

- Huh?
- You want that?!

- Go. Just go.
- Ugh! Uh!

What you gonna do now, huh?

- Just...
- What?

- What? What? What?
- What?

- What? What?
- What?

You should go.

Thanks for a great birthday.

Cece?

You drink with mouth?

Tonight, I drink with mouth.

Well, guess who's
not getting a turtle?

They were out of turtles.

I bought a tiny cowboy hat
for nothing.

- Schmidt's not talking to you right now.
- We're still on this?

Schmidt is tired of doing things
for you that go unnoticed.

lining your shoes
up at the door...

Don't line my shoes up
at the door any more.

- ...Recording your favorite TV shows...
- I appreciate that.

- ...The turn-down service.
- The turn-down service is weird

- And I never asked you to do that.
- Well, I guess those chocolate mints

- Just disappeared on their own.
- Oh, I thought we weren't talking.

- We're not.
- Then why do I hear words

Coming out
that stupid hole in your face?

I'm a human being,
and I'm entitled to my emotions.

Are you crying?

No.

Are you seriously crying,
Schmidt?

I'm not crying.

Rough night, you guys.

I forgot
to take out my contacts.

I think they're fused
to my eyeballs.

What's going on?

Did you guys
watch porn together again?

Why do you keep doing that?

It's always awkward.

Oh, wow.

What the hell was that?

In March,
I will have been living

with Schmidt for ten years.

I know that

because he sent me
an e-mail asking

how I want to celebrate
our "tin anniversary."

How did you guys become friends?

Was it an accident?

Did you hit him with your car

and you became
his reluctant caretaker?

He lived in my freshman dorm.

And one day,
he was just there.

Hey, hey, whoa, man,
what are you doing in here?

That's my ramen.

It's better this way.

Y-You add water to it,
you weirdo.

It's not a dry treat,
it's a soup.

- Who are you?
- Schmidt.

You freak me out, man.

This is cool.
We got a good vibe going, man.

You're a super weird guy.

Hey, sit there
while I throw things at you.

- Body slam!
- No!

Don't do this! No!

And then he was
always there.

And the truth is, is,

Schmidt loves me so much,

and to be honest,
Jess, it scares me.

I mean, I don't think
I deserve

all of Schmidt's love.

All I do is tease him.

I mean, of course you do.

That's all you can do.

Do you think
I'm a bad friend?

No, no, I'm a bad friend.

I got mad at Cece
for being a model.

It's a dumb thing to be.

We got in a boob fight.

- Feels like I fell forward on a treadmill.
- I'm just gonna say this--

I find that arousing,
and let's move on.

Just, she's smart, you know,
and she's interesting

and she could be doing
anything else with her life

or at least trying.

You know,
the weird thing is,

I was actually there
when she got discovered.

You, take
your glasses off.

Okay.

I can take my glasses off.

I guess I was
always disappointed

with her for
calling that lady.

It's just, when I
hear all the stuff

about Cece's profession--

like, the dieting--
it's crazy--

and the butt
drinking and the...

Did you say
"butt drinking"?

- Yeah.
- You can't say "butt drinking"

- And then not explain what it is.
- Yeah.

It has two
of my four favorite things.

- I just feel like we have nothing in common, you know?
- Yeah.

Do you ever wonder
why we're friends

with these people, Jess?

And, worse,
if we met them now,

you think we'd still be
friends with them?

Maybe not.

I should go talk to her.

Well, Nick, I'm out of tears--
plumb out.

All that's left
is just yellowish goo.

That's right, Nick-- goo.

That's a third
of my life.

Cece.

Oh, hey, Nadia, sorry.

This Wilmer Valderrama.

Um, Nadia, that's not--

I mean-- or what I thought
he would look like

in person.

Nice to meet you.

Big fan.

Where's Cece?

Cece drink too much.

She puke, puke, puke.

She puke,

cry, puke, cry.

She's so weak.

You put on pajama,
Wilmer Valderrama,

top only.

Then, you make me
salad, bitch.

Let's, let's get
you into bed, okay?

I don't think we're doing
any modeling today.

No, I have to go,
Jess, I have to go.

It's my job, all right?

You know what, Cece?

I'm so sorry
about last night.

I know that you're...

I know you're an
intelligent person,

and sometimes I just...

I just get mixed up, you know,

And I think that you're like me.

Don't, don't
worry, I'm here.

Just tell me where to stand
and what we're selling.

I'm gonna give it
everything I got.

I'm calling your agency.

This is totally
unprofessional.

Don't call my agency.

Just tell me where to stand.

Up on the
spinning platform.

- Yeah, I can't do that.
- Okay.

- Please, no, seriously don't. I can't lose this job.
- No.

Don't call the
agency, okay?

- I'll do it.
- What?

I'm actually a model, too,
mostly in Japan.

Um, they call me
Giggle Bangs Rice Bowl.

I know you're lying
and I just don't care.

Get over to hair
and makeup now.

Cool.

These things are heavy.

It's like chain mail on my eyes.

So, your job is to highlight
the features of the car

- Gary describes.
- We need you to be fun and sexy and American.

Then he's gonna move
to the EcoBoost engine

and the new interior styling.

For the EcoBoost engine,
give me something

- mischievous.
- Mischievous.

- Mischievous.
- Show me mischievous.

Okay, and at the end,
just say,

"Ford. Go further."

Do I have to wear those?

Hey, everybody,
my name's Gary, and I want

to introduce you to the all-new
2013 Ford Fusion.

Say hello to my good friend
Jessica.

The all-new Fusion
has been totally redesigned

inside and out.

All-new styling,
18-inch aluminum wheels,

three-year,
bumper-to-bumper warranty,

five-year power train,

available Active Park,

available lane-keeping system,

standard voice-activated SYNC.

Your co-workers will be jealous.

From power plants
that enhance efficiency

the high-voltage
lithium-ion battery pack

provides enough power to operate
in all-electric mode

for short commutes-- very smart.

The Ford Fusion is designed
to be environmentally conscious.

Fusion Hybrid and the Fusion
Energi are each powered

by a combination
high-voltage electric motor

that utilizes...
recycled material.

The Fusion is available
with an EcoBoost engine...

a hybrid,

and a plug-in hybrid.

The SE Hybrid is available
with eco-friendly cloth seating.

No matter what color your
seats-- ha!-- they'll be green.

Smoother rides,
more fuel efficiency...

Gary...

The hybrid gets
47 miles to the gallon,

- so you're gonna be filling up your tank less.
- Gary... Gary...!

- When you do...
- I can't get out.

Hey, man,
it's your old pal Jessica.

And it's not that
difficult to get out.

There's also the available
auto start-stop

That...

- Use the handle.
- What's happening?

Further, go further.

Hey.

Uh, Schmidt, I got you
something, man.

Uh, they didn't have a
Jewish star at the store,

so I got you a
regular cookie

and I made the star myself
by breaking off the pieces.

It's meant to celebrate
your Jewish heritage.

What is this?

A Jewish star--
I just said that.

- Hey, hey, Schmidt, just...
- This...

Is so terrible!

You gave me a cookie,
I gave you a cookie.

You gave me a cookie,
gave you cookie.

Gave me cookie,
got you cookie!

You gave me
cookie, I got you cookie, man!

Gave me cookie,
got you cookie!

We're even!
We're even, Schmidt!

I mean, what do
you want from me?

What do you want, Schmidt?

I've been racking
my brain all day.

I walked around the
grocery store, man,

for 45 minutes.

I didn't know
what to get you.

And then I was thinking I
was gonna get you ramen

like we used to eat, but
you probably eat, like,

fancy ramen now with,
like, figs in it.

I don't know, man.

You love me too
much, Schmidt,

and you picked
the wrong guy.

And when are you
gonna get that

through that giant
head of yours?

I'm just gonna
let you down, man.

Are you crying?

I'm not crying, man.

Yeah, you are crying.

Oh, my God.

I'm not crying, guys.
Just drop it.

I just felt like I
did something nice.

Yes, you are, and that's okay.

Don't say that, man,
'cause that...

You know what I mean? Like...

Just let it rain, man.

I got you the
cookie, Schmidt.

It's the best
I can do, man.

What about the turtle?

You're the only
turtle I want.

You're the turtle, man.

I knew I was
the turtle.

Yeah, man, you're
the turtle.

I knew I was the turtle.

You guys are the best, man.
I love you guys.

I'm sorry,
sorry, man.

Hey, yeah.

- I'm going to, uh...
- Yeah, I've got...

I'm gonna eat my sandwich.

This is a good sandwich.

- See you guys.
- This needed to happen.

Wow, they gave you
the, the huge lashes.

Like, those are
the magnums.

Yeah, I actually
like 'em.

I think I'm just
gonna keep 'em on.

You're afraid
to take the glue off.

Yeah, I'm terrified.

I'm really sorry about
what I said last night

'cause... this is hard.

It is just
pointing at stuff,

but it is-- it's hard.

Why is it so hard?

You make it look
a lot harder.

No, you're brave.

You've always been
braver than me.

Okay, what did you do
to me last night?

I mean, can you sprain
someone's chest?

You should see
the other guys.

Dionne asking Tai for sex advice?

I'm so full.

This really is
your best cake ever.

- Do you think so?
- Mm-hmm.

We all think so.

Hey, that's gross.

- Get a fork, man.
- I got two

Perfectly good forks
at the end of my arms.

Hey, man, you do
what you do.

- Be you, man.
- I'd eat out of your hands, Nick.

- Cake on your face.
- Petting zoo style.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Cake all day.

Talkin' about cake!

- Frickin' cake dudes.
- Look at you.

- Look at you. Frosting face.
- Hey.

- Want cake on your face?
- I don't really care.

Do you think, if we met today,
we would still be friends?

- I could watch you eat cake all day.
- Couple of guys eating cake.

I'm gonna have to do
so much cardio tomorrow.

I don't know,
but we're friends now.

Happy birthday, Cece.

Oh, man!
That's messy.

- You like rap music?
- Yeah, sure do.

- Who's your favorite rapper?
- Brian Austin Green.

- He's cool.
- He's awesome.

Go like this.

Try to catch the Pop-Tart,
you big boy.

Good, I love Pop-Tarts.

Oh!

Now close your eyes.

- Did you get me?
- Yeah.

- Good job.
- Ready?

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Aah, we did it!