New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 6 - Halloween - full transcript

Nick, where do you even
buy sheets like this?

They're the thread count
of a paper towel.

Okay, I don't
know what to do.

I thought these
sheets were good.

You said these
sheets were fine.

They're fine. Relax.

He's freaking out.

You know,
Amelia's coming in town...

Which one of your depressing

ex-girlfriends is Amelia?

Freshman year.



# You stopped
in my room #

# For no reason #

# I was pretty cool
to say "Come in" #

# You're sitting
on my bed #

# I feel like
there's vibing #

# What do I do? #

# The sexual tension
is crazy. #

I never told
her how I felt.

And she's here for a
couple days on work.

This is my chance.

I even got
a new shirt.

That's a cool shirt;
I like that shirt.

Yeah, look cool, man.

You making fun of
my shirt, Schmidt?



Oh, my God!

Jess, please stop
working at the haunted house.

It's just
through the weekend.

You all get free tickets,
you know.

Oh, no, I'm not going.

I don't do haunted houses.

- What? You scared?
- Uh, well,

Little kids are scared.
I just don't like it.

I got it. You look like
a zombie Woody Allen.

- Yeah.
- These brains are terrible.

And such-such small portions.

On Christmas, I like to eat

Chinese people's brains.

They're the only ones
that are open.

Zombie Cristina Barcelona.

Yeah, I have nothing
to add to this.

I'm gonna be home
late tonight, you guys.

Uh, so don't wait up, 'cause
I'm going over to Sam's house

to mix his batter.

Oh, yeah.

Not in that costume.

- I don't know.
- Costume kind of works for me.

Kind of a sexy,
undead driver's ed teacher.

It's my sweet spot.

Sam doesn't care
what I look like.

'Cause I'm not his girlfriend.

And I'm gonna
kick him to the curb

once I've used his body
like a moisturizer sample.

Hey-yo!

I couldn't afford my therapist,

so I ate his brains.

Marx brothers.

Hear, hear.

- That's the one.
- Good stuff.

# Who's that girl? #

- #Who's that girl?#
- # It's Jess. #

- Hi.
- Hi.

- How you doing?
- Good.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

Um, here's your wallet.

Oh, thank you.

You must have dropped it
on our most recent trip

to No Pants City.

Just so you know,

I didn't look in it.

'Cause I don't care

and I respect your privacy.

Then how'd you
know it was

- my wallet?
- Well played, Sam Sweeny...

Born in Boston, six-four.

I didn't know
you worked in the E.R.

Until I got here, though.

Yeah, pediatrics.

You're a doctor for children.

It's, you know,
mostly paperwork.

That why you have
so many cute cards on the wall?

"Dear Dr. Sam..."

They call you Dr. Sam?

"Thank you
for making me better.

I love you,
and so does my bunny."

Nice kid, but she
can't draw for crap.

I mean, she just
traced Bugs Bunny.

I didn't know you were a,
like, caring person.

Same guy.
Same guy.

I'm the same guy
that did you

in that falafel
restaurant, you remember?

- And a dirty one, at that.
- Mm-hmm.

- Please don't do this.
- Dr. Sam.

Don't start thinking
I'm some amazing guy.

This is why I don't
tell girls what I do.

This doesn't change the way
I feel about you.

I feel nothing.
This is purely physical.

Dr. Sam!

Oh, Ben!
What's up?

Fish tails?

I, uh...

How could I say no, buddy?

Fish tail! Fish tail!

Up top!

This makes me feel nothing.

I feel nothing.

I haven't worn these in years.

Here you go.

Wow, Schmidt.

You've got so many boots.

You know who doesn't
have a lot of boots?

Guys who aren't getting
laid on the reg.

- Ooh, trust me, I know. Shelby and I agreed
- Mm-hmm.

That we're gonna dress sexy
this Halloween, so...

hopefully that'll make us want
to have sex with each other.

You know, at night,
I can actually feel gusts

of frigid air coming
from beneath your door.

I get it, Schmidt.
We're in a rut.

Without sex, she's not
your girlfriend, okay?

She's a friend that
you buy meals for.

Winston, I get it, man.

You're... you're
scared to end it.

You're just
like Cece.

Cece's scared to
end it with Robby,

because clearly she's
still nuts about me.

Robby's nice.
Good guy, man.

He always has gum.

"Oh, Robby... he's
such a nice guy."

I'll show you
nice guy. Boom.

Punch him
in his face.

Yeah, put you in a
guillotine choke hold.

And then Robby's
like, "Oh, my God!"

"I can't believe this.
Young Abraham Lincoln

is choking me out
in his guillotine."

You're going as young
Abe Lincoln for Halloween?

Statistically speaking,
every American

thinks about Abraham Lincoln
at least once a day.

And Cece's
American, so...

Thank you for
that information, Schmidt.

Yeah.

What's up, Robby?

What's up, Robby,
you stupid idiot?

You had an alter
ego, remember?

Yeah.

The guy who'd
been in a coma

who woke up thinking
he had invented pie.

Oh, I got a great new idea
for a dessert!

Wait a second,
what year is it?

That's awesome
you liked that.

No, I'm really glad you're here.

Welcome to Los Angeles.

L.A., as the locals call it.

This is the city
where many scenes

from the film Beverly
Hills Chihuahua were shot.

- Yeah, it's pretty cool.
- Mm-hmm.

I made you up a couch.

- Wow.
- The double eye patch.

- You trying to impress me?
- Yes!

Absolutely!

You kidding?

- A doctor?
- Mm-hmm.

I had him pegged for

a part-time tennis pro or
an unemployed handsome guy.

He cares about people for
a living; it's so much hotter.

You're starting
to like him now.

No, no, no,
we're just coworkers.

On the night shift.

These fit great, Jess.

Really, thank you so much.

It's like a childhood dream
come true for me.

To be a Ninja Turtle.

And to have a beautiful
girlfriend, of course.

Uh-huh.
Thank you.

What am I looking at here?

Robby, man to man,

you didn't want
to wear something,

I don't know,
a little more form flattering?

Maybe like a pile of towels,
the number eight?

- Schmidt.
- I know. But how could I not

knock down
such low-hanging fruit?

Speaking of low-hanging fruit,

Jess, you didn't
want to let out

- the pants a little bit?
- No.

- Not even a touch?
- No.

You want to look
at your work?

Looks great.

Not to an eight-year-old child.

Who's just staring
right down the barrel.

- Enough.
- Are you guys coming to

the Halloween
festivities tomorrow?

- Actually, we're...
- I think you should come.

It's for charity.

You like charity, Robby, right?

Yeah, sure.
Like Cece dating you.

Awesome. Um...

- Why not?
- No. I mean,

- We have that thing...
- Don't worry about my friends.

I would love
to hang out with your friends.

I think we should do it, because
I want to wear this costume out.

You know what I mean?
So I say yes.

Just, uh, keep the pumpkins
away from me, okay?

I kind of cut myself
last Halloween.

I mean, not on a knife.

I-I, you know,
I cut myself on the pumpkin.

You should've
made a move in college.

No, I didn't have
moves, Amelia.

My moves were

Singing to you and trying
to give you back rubs and...

I do remember you picking a lot
of eyelashes off my cheeks.

Didn't you think it
was weird that I kept

showing up at your door, telling
you I had a family tragedy?

How many grandparents
did you think I had?

I had a bad bag
of moves, lady.

Well, they're not
bad any more, Nick Miller.

Ah, that's great.

That is for real.

There's more
where that came from.

Uh-oh.

Oh, that's good stuff.

That is good.

Hey.

Sam's in there.
- Yeah, Amelia's in there.

- High five for sluts.
- Yeah!

Hey.

I think I might
like Sam.

Jess, I thought the whole thing
was how you didn't like him.

I know, but then...

Hey.

Hi. You must be
Amelia. I'm Jess.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Nick's told me
a lot about you.

Yes, I did.

Yeah, it finally happened.

It's crazy...
Nick and Amelia.

- Together.
- Together, yeah.

- Together, yeah.
- Together.

Really? Right now?

Okay.

Yeah, good.

Okay.

All right, call
me tonight?

Actually, tonight's
the last night

of this haunted house thing.

Here's a crazy idea.

What if you came?

Well, I don't really do,

uh, the, you know,
sort of costume thing.

I'm gonna be dressed up.

I think you should
dress up, too.

'Cause it'd be cool.

For me.

Okay. I'll try to
make it, darling.

Well, I wish I hadn't
have seen that.

You wish you hadn't seen that?

- I wish I hadn't seen...
- Fair point.

What if tonight's a test?

If he shows up
wearing a costume,

he likes me.

- Sound logic.
- I know.

Jess, I-I...
Jess, I was kidding.

How do the boots
feel, man?

Feel fantastic, man.

Well, there's more
where that came from.

Got a lot of boots.

Whoo, looky here!

One of my brothers in blue.

That gun looks real.
Let me see that for a second.

LAPD! Stand down!
Stand down!

I'm standing, I'm standing!
Look at that!

Butch it up,
Axel Foley.

Shelby's coming.

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey. What, uh...

What-what are you?

I'm reigning
cats and dogs!

Get it?

Reigning...

cats and dogs.

Those stuffed animals
are gonna look good

on the floor of my bedroom.

Oh!

What are you doing?!

No, it's cool, it's cool.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Schmidt.

Hey, Robby.

Hey, look, I get it.

Guy who shot John Lennon

- dressed as a Ninja Turtle.
- No.

Cece, you're an angel,
as always.

Get off my horse,
Schmidt.

Hey, Lincoln, right?
That's awes...

You know, I was just thinking
about Lincoln today.

Yeah, Robby, we all were.

This is kind of funny.

The two of you together
on that horse,

you kind of look like
a bride and a groom.

I will throw you

off of this horse with
my bare hands. I will.

I'm gonna tell him
how I feel tonight.

- You are?
- Think so.

Boo!

What'd you carve here?

Oh, it's a secret.
I'm not done yet.

What's wrong with me?

I wanted this for
so long with her,

and now...
it's just too much.

- You know?
- Mm-hmm.

You want to know why I
don't like haunted houses?

- Why?
- Because they're just like relationships.

You walk in
all confident,

and then once you get in,
it's not what you thought

it was gonna be,
and it's scary.

Nice, you've liked her
for a long time.

Go in the "haunted house."

I'm gonna go
in the "haunted house."

Ta-da! That's me,

that's you, and
that's our dog.

I look so scared.

Bride and groom?

No!

No, I'm here with
the Ninja Turtle!

Bride and Ninja Turtle.

I don't get it.

I don't get
it, either.

Like she lost a
bet or something.

What is wrong with you?

Seriously!

It's okay, Cece.

No, it's not okay!

You need to go home
and change, Schmidt.

I know you have more
costumes in your closet.

Those costumes are for Purim.
Purim's in March.

I don't care!
You're doing this intentionally

just to mess with me!

All right, calm down.

Everybody just...
just calm down.

All right, Schmidt?
Let's take a walk.

Let's take a walk.

Look, let's just cut
the crap, okay?

I know you think I'm dumb,

and you can hit on Cece
and make fun of me all day long,

but I'm not going
anywhere, all right?

You're a big guy,
you know that?

Yeah.

Luckily, I've got
a stone forehead.

What?

I'm sorry.

- No, it's cool, man.
- You just tried to head-butt me.

- I had to stop you.
- No, yeah, yeah.

- I got you. I got you.
- All right.

- Damn it!
- Schmidt, you did it again.

How do you see that
coming every time?

You wind up. You make,
like, a little wind-up thing.

- I just...
- Hit me right in the forehead.

Yeah, well, you tried to
head-butt me with your forehead.

Yeah, I know I was
trying to head-butt you.

Okay, listen.

I think there's
two options here.

We can either go the way
that things have been going

and we're going to have
a big problem,

or we can just knock this off
and let's be friends, okay?

- I'm sorry.
- Okay. I'm sorry, too.

- I'm sorry, too.
- My bad.

- No, truce.
- All right, truce.

Will you stop trying
to head-butt me, man?

I just...

Look at this guy.

- Looking great.
- Oh, my God.

- What?
- He came.

He's not wearing
a costume.

Yeah, but he came, so...

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, I got to sneeze.

I'm a clown for you.

Just don't ask me
to wear this in bed.

Okay.

I think, when he
comes here tonight,

I'm just going to be like,
"Sam, crazy idea...

why don't we take this
to another level?"

And pretend like I'm just
thinking of it, but I'm not...

- Can you hand me my coffee?
- Yeah.

Zombie, just tell
him the truth.

Mummy's right.
Take the big swing.

It's okay to be vulnerable.

You guys are right.

Life as a doctor.

Your phone must just be

blowing up with
life-saving texts, huh?

"Don't die on me, Danny Boy!
Use the paddles!"

No, it's a girl.

Oh, I thought Jess was working.

It's another girl.
Just a weekend thing.

Does Jess know
you're texting other girls?

Yeah. We're, like,
totally honest with each other.

You know?
I mean, she wants

a relationship less than I do.

It's actually awesome.

Right.

And you're coming over
tonight, hmm?

And she's going to talk to you.

Ooh.

All right, man.

You've got to be kidding me.

Just do it, Nick.

Don't be scared, Nick.

You're a grown man.
This is a haunted house.

Game time.

I have no idea how they
deep-fry a turkey dinner,

but I am so glad they do
because I love it.

Do you love your legs? Because,
I'll tell you, diabetes doesn't.

- Where have you been?
- Oh, God, I'm sorry.

I totally
lost track of time.

We decided that we're
going to hang out more.

All of us are going
to hang out more.

You know, 'cause I
remember you saying

- that missed hanging out with Schmidt, so...
- Oh, Robby.

- You said that?
- Yeah, I... yeah, I... I said it, but...

No, because I want
to hang out with you, too.

With Robby there?

Yeah, with Robby there.

- Good.
- Good.

- Oh, yeah, good, good.
- Good.

Lincoln, bringing the
nation back together again.

Jess!

Jess, where are you?

Watch your step!

It's just a recording.

Good, good. Fun.

Okay. It's not a race.
It's not a...

Welcome to the morgue,

Officer and...

Sorry. I have no idea what...

that whole thing... I don't...

I'm reigning cats and dogs.

- What?
- "Reigning" like a queen,

But... but "raining"
like the weather.

No.

"It's raining
cats and dogs!"

- Right.
- It's a joke.

- Not really.
- What?

Hmm? No, I'm saying, like, it's
not really... not really funny.

- It's hilarious.
- I thought you were going to dress sexy.

A sense of humor is sexy.

I don't want to date the
queen of Cats and Dogs.

- Reigning cats and dogs.
- Makes no sense.

I don't see the queen of
England running around

- with a cape and British people stapled to it.
- What?

When is the last time
you heard somebody say,

"Man, you know what's sexy?

A woman with stuffed
animals taped to her back."

Look how good I look!
Look how stylish I look.

That's not sexy. I feel like
I'm getting a speeding ticket.

Ooh! Shelby, you made me so mad,
my mustache is coming off!

Why do you have a mustache
glued on top of your mustache.

Why aren't we having sex?

- Shut up, bitch.
- Sorry.

Shelby, this is not working.

It's just not.

I know.

Oh, I get it.

Reigning cats and dogs.

It's funny. It is.

Jess.

Jessica Day, where are you?

No, no!

Very effective.
Very scary.

Come in! Come in!

This is fun.
This is entertaining.

Oh, no! Jess!

No! No!

- Jess! No!
- No, I'm her friend.

Somebody help me!

This is my nightmare!

I didn't punch a girl.
I punched a horrifying monster.

You of all people should
know this, Frankenstein.

You're the real
monster.

Oh, give me a break.

Jess, are you okay?

Yeah. It's nothing.

Nick just punched
me in the face.

- What?!
- Oh, my God! No, it was an acc...

- What is wrong with you?
- Jess, I'm sorry!

All right.
Look away.

All right, well, the
bruise is going to heal,

but I don't know what to do
about the giant stitches.

I mean, those are
going to scar.

And you're looking
a little pale.

What have you
been eating?

Brains.

Habit.

I think we should go.

Sam. Uh, wait.

Um... um...

uh, I... I like you.

- I like you, too, Jess.
- No, but, um...

I care about you,

and, um, I want
to ask you out for real.

So... will you go out with me?

I can't.

I told you...

what I wanted,
and I wasn't lying.

Yeah, um...

I just thought maybe

- you were scared to say it.
- I'm not.

Not scared, you know.

This is how I feel.

Do you want me to go?

- Hey.
- Hey.

You punch a girl?

Yes, I did.
Uh, I'm a coward.

I'm scared of
haunted houses.

And I'm scared of you...
I always have been.

That's right. That is what
I've been trying to remember.

I was like, "Nick is great."

Why didn't I
realize it years ago?"

And it's because you could not
tell me how you felt.

So you always knew
I liked you?

You drove me home
every Thanksgiving break.

You lived in Chicago;
I lived in Florida.

Well, I was trying
to avoid the tolls.

How do you feel about me now?

Great. Good.

I can't believe
that after all this time,

you still can't be
honest with me.

I'm sorry, all right?
It's my fault.

Okay, I fell in
love with you

the first time I saw
you... that's crazy.

I didn't even know you.
It was just this idea of you.

And then... it just
wasn't what I thought.

And what's up with
the way you kiss?

It's like reverse CPR.
It's like you're...

Hey.

I'm not an idea of a person.

I'm an actual person.

- Okay.
- Ready? Uh-huh.

One, two, three.

All right, let's try it one more time.
Let's see if we can hit the top.

I think you guys deserve
the couples costumes.

Bride and groom.

- Aw.
- How sweet of you.

- Thank you.
- Take the hat.

It's... that's, like,
the most important part.

- Very nice of you to do that, Schmidt.
- Hold this.

Okay, I'm not... I don't need
to wear a second costume.

This and the hat and the
blazer's enough, so that's...

- You need it, Robby.
- Where you going with this here, buddy? I...

- You're not going to... the pants, too?
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

- We're fine. We're good.
- It's important, man. Need to wear the whole thing.

Just... what are
you going to wear?

Plan B was always

Matthew McConaughey
in Magic Mike, so...

Always got to have
a plan B, Robby.

Thanks, man.

Wow. I mean,
look at his thighs.

They're like fleshy
tree trunks.

Whoa.

I mean, he just knows
how to work the crowd.

I mean, his thighs

are, like, the size
of my head.

- Reigning cats and dogs!
- Yeah!

Coat of arms.

You are so awesome!

You know, I may not
actually be Abraham Lincoln,

but I witnessed
the emancipation

of one black guy
tonight...

from a terrible
relationship.

Come on.

I know I said you shouldn't
put yourself out there,

but I'm glad you did.

You should be with somebody
who's crazy about you, Jess.

Thanks, Nick.

That'd be really nice
if it wasn't coming

from somebody who just
punched me in the face.

Sorry about that.

- All right, you ready?
- Mm-hmm.

Let's do it.

All right.
Let's do it.

Okay.

- Jess, let's make this right.
- All right.

I can't do this.

I'm glad you're you,
'cause Jess Day could...

Ow! Mother of...
Damn it!