New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - Neighbors - full transcript

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, there's two
guys outside with a giant box,

and it's got "happy birthday"
written all over it.

There it is.

Hey, guys.

Pay up, gentlemen.
She's sitting on the couch.

Yeah, right,
you won.

- Let me get a four.
- Mm-hmm.

TGIF marathon tonight.

- What?
- I can't take this any more.

What is happening?

I've actually been
working on something.



A r?sum?, maybe?

Did I do that?

I'm sorry. Did you just say
you were working on that?

- It's Urkel!
- Urkel?

Urkel.

Urkel, Jess?

- It's funny.
- Okay, look,

It is perfectly fine
to watch TV all day.

- No, it is not.
- No, it's not.

- But Urkel?!
- Come on.

Not even in my darkest
moments did I do Urkel.

Guys, that's crazy.
This is objectively hilarious.

- I can do any character from an '80s sitcom.
Quiz me. - No.

Oh, Alf, don't eat the cat!



Get out of the city,
Cousin Larry Appleton.

- I'm Frasier Crane.
- No!

Jess, the men in suits here,
the professionals,

- would like to know what the plan is.
- I'm a professional, too, pal.

You're not. Please,
you work in a bar.

It's a whole different thing.
I respect you. Just, please.

I don't know
what the plan is, Schmidt,

but I love working
at the Casserole Shanty.

Today I got a locker,
and in 18 months,

I'm gonna roll into
some sweet dental coverage.

So, yeah, my job
pretty much rules.

Low on bean! Low on bean!

I'm low on bean!

I'm good on bean!

Would you like to know what
I did at my job all day today?

- Don't say "crushed it."
- I'm gonna go with "crushed it."

And then it asked me
what I was doing,

and I told it
that I was crushing it.

That's what I do
on a daily basis, Jess.

You used to inspire me.

I mean, not specifically...

because I find teaching
to be icky... but, you know,

in a vague kind of
"Look at that go-getter in a...

in a brightly colored sweater"
kind of way.

What happened to the inspiring,
visor-less Jess?

Hey, maybe that's her.

Hey, we just moved in
across the hall.

I'm Chaz.

This is Fife,
Sutton and Brorie.

What's up? Schmidt.

Any-turds, just wanted
to give you a heads up

that we're having some
people over to hang tonight

- and it might get a little loud.
- I like where your head is at.

We're gonna be there
with bells on.

Dolla-dolla bells, y'all.

Well, it's just going to be
a bunch of young people.

So...

Hi. I live here, too.

What are you names?
Schmidt!

So, when he said,

"It's just going to be a
bunch of young people,"

well, he must have
meant, "You,"

meaning me, fellow
young person,

"You'll feel
right at home.

And you two walking
corpses, stay away."

You're six months younger
than me, Schmidt.

- You're a corpse for sure.
- Behold.

This actuarial table
stops at age 99.

But if you track my
current trajectory,

I'm clearly gonna live till
I'm 123 years old, so...

Hello, robot sex.

Is this accurate?

No, no, no, Winston,
I spend $49.95 a month

on a subscription
to an inaccurate

real-time actuarial service.

Then I think I may have died
four years ago.

Oh, yeah?
That sucks.

"African-American male,
life expectancy: 67 years"?

Sounds about right.

"Minus one year if you
frequently question

your career choice."
Check.

"Minus one year
if your chosen field offers

few opportunities
for advancement."

Check and double check.

I like getting older.

I feel like I'm finally aging
into my personality.

Keep this crap out of my yard!

And turn that nonsense down!

They never did get
that Frisbee back.

- I used that Frisbee as a dish.
Seriously?

- I used it for pistachios in my room.
- Not only am I the

youngest person in this loft,
I'm also the most successful.

- Oh! Shut up, Schmidt.
- Are you honestly measuring yourself like a little boy?

I'm sorry that you're not
growing any more like me.

And apparently,
I'm gonna be growing forever.

I'm like a Jewish Peter Pan.
Petya Pan.

Petter Pan. Pesach Pan.

Why don't you take it down
a notch before this old man

takes you outside and
makes you pick a switch?

- I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS.
- And as your elder,

- Can I give you a little advice, Schmidt?
Can we talk for a sec? - Sure.

- Yes, yes.
- 'Cause you've kind of gotten under my skin

- A little bit.
- Shoot, Gran Torino.

I'm gonna die so soon.

Do you think that the
neighbors will want, like,

four individual casseroles

or, like, one large
party-size casserole?

Yes, Jess,
that's exactly

what hip, trendy millennials
want to eat: casserole.

Now come on, guys,
just tighten up, all right?

- Think young. What the hell is that smell?
- It's Old Spice.

- I'm smelling Old Spice?
- Yeah, and yes,

It has "Old" in the title,
and yes, it's all over my body.

- Okay, well, take it off.
- I'm wearing the Spice. The Spice is cool.

It's not even a real
spice, man. Take it off.

The Spice is coming back!
Everybody knows it!

The guy on the horse!

You can wear any spice.
Don't wear Old Spice!

Classic cologne fight.

- Guys!
- Shh!

Hi.

Zander and Raj
went to Pate's thing,

so tonight's been notched down
to a "chill hang."

Cool.

- I'll just put these...
- Oh.

Thanks for having us.

No, can't do this.

- What is up?
- Have fun, kids.

Party hip-hop.
What's going on, kids?

Let's party.

What are you guys doing,
huh? What is that?

Is that Top Gun? Oh, look at that.

Look at Anthony Eds,
the "Goose" man.

Unbelievable that he dies
in a few scenes.

Goose dies?

Not cool, man.

No, it's... Look, nobody
does an onscreen death

like Anthony Eds.

He's like the Hilary Swank
of bald men.

He's like the
Hilary Swank of bald...

Hold everything.

Is that Cass Shant?

Casserole Shanty?
That's where I work.

Your chicken-broccoli
totally fuels my night bikes.

I'm very happy to help.

- Some of my friends don't appreciate it.
- No.

You're just figuring
it out, just like us.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I am figuring it out.

Thank you, Brorie. I am.

I'm just figuring it out,
and that's okay.

What do you guys do?

- I work at home. - I'm a DJ.
- Well...

Was I unclear
about my night bikes?

I work for a
single-national corporation

called Associated Strategies.

Moo...

- Oh, moo...
- I know. Yeah.

Totally, Fife.
I get that.

Moo...

Moo...!

Right? That's a thing, right?

Yeah? Moo?

Schmidt, you don't know...

Jess.

Did I do that?

How did you
just come up with that?

Where did you get that?

It just came to me.

Where did that come from?

I just thought of it.

That's how she
casseroles!

What?

Hey, Nana, Pop-Pop.

You missed an unreal
hang last night.

Unreal with a capital "uh."

Really?

Those kids with
the found furniture

and no TV
because it's cool?

It's a different
world over there.

A world where it's okay to only
have a part-time job.

A world where it's okay
that I'm still finding myself.

A world where I have not one,
but two catchphrases.

$500.

How rude!

How rude!

Just take it!

They think I
made those up.

There's just one tiny hitch.

It's very awkward, and I
don't know how to say it...

They hate Schmidt.

So much.
How did you know?

If I had a dollar for everybody
I couldn't hang out with

because they hated Schmidt,
I'd be rich.

Like, fill my gas tank
all the way up rich.

He was all over the map.

He spent 20 minutes
talking about aioli.

Don't worry about it.
I'm on it.

What do you mean,
you're on it?

You're gonna prank him,
aren't you? I-I knew it!

I knew it!
You're gonna prank him.

Hey, can I help you?
I'm really good with pranks?

You may not help
with the pranks.

Why not, man? I'm the best
with the pranks, man.

- They call me "Prank Sinatra."
- No, you call you Prank Sinatra.

- Oh, come... 'Cause I am.
- Winston, you're the worst

at pranks in the whole world.

- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are!

You either go way too small...

Hey.

Let's pour a little
juice near her shoe.

...Or you go way too big.

Hey, let's hit her in
the throat with a ski.

You don't have
a pranking sweet spot.

Speaking of...

Are you limping?

My hip is achy.

I wonder if it's your shoes.
Did you try different shoes?

I try on four different
pairs of shoes

with every outfit,
rain or shine. You know that.

What did you do?

Well, he could try on
100 different pairs.

It's not going to matter.

The left heel is an eighth
of an inch shorter

on every single pair.

This is so crazy, Nick.

Oh, my God, you know
what we should do?

We should take those shavings,

and then sprinkle them
by his car.

Let me just get this clear.

- Take the little bit of dust
- Yeah, 'cause...

- And go outside and put it near his car?
- Yes.

- That's not a prank.
- Yes, it is.

That's just kind of littering.

- His whole ride to work,
- Okay, you're done.

He'd be thinking, like, "What?"

So we're pranking him

so he thinks
while we're not around, "What?"

It's too small.

You've got to go bigger
than that.

Well, anyway,

- I got to fill this up with pee.
- Ew! Why?

So I can pour it all over
Schmidt's bed

and make him think
he's incontinent.

That's disgusting, Nick.

Hey, sometimes up close,
art is ugly.

I got an idea.

Instead of urine, we use acid.

And put it on his face!

All right?

Jess, do these pants
seem long to you?

Nick picked them up from
the dry cleaner for me today,

and I don't know,
I swear they seem longer.

I think your pants look fine.

Okay, Jess, tonight,
you're obviously gonna want

to follow my lead.

I don't know how
to tell you this...

Um, they hate you.

That's crazy.

It is crazy...
how much they hate you.

Watch. Every time
you say something,

they're gonna change
the subject immediately.

That's how you tell
if people hate you.

I'm pretty sure I know how
to crush it with the kids.

Watch this.

Hey, guys.

What up, yo?

Throw your damn hands up.
We hanging out tonight?

Jess, I love your hair.

- It is so good today.
- Yeah!

Thank you!

- Flowy. - Yes.
- Really curly.

What do you guys think
about the length

of my sideburns? It's new.
Daring or gauche?

I got my plane ticket
home for Easter.

Thank you
for reminding me, Jess.

Yeah. No, of course.

I've got, like, a
little calendar thing.

You know, I've got
a great, um...

I've got a great
plane ticket guy that you...

We're having another
hang tonight Jess.

Got some chokes, hula hoops,
sitar. You should come over.

- Yeah!
- Yeah, no, like, that's the best idea.

Totally.

You, too, Schmidt.

Oh, hey, I got to...
I got to take this.

Ferguson? Is that you?

Yeah, t-tonight?

Well, I mean...

I made plans with...

Well, look,

if that's the comptroller's
time line, then...

that's the comptroller's
time line.

Well, hell, yes,

send a car!

Jess, do you want to
hula-hoop with me

all night-slash-forever?

Oh, gosh.

They hate me.

Man, I've never seen you work
this hard at anything, ever.

That's because I care so much.

I set an alarm
for 5:00 a.m.

so I could switch Schmidt's
fiber pills with placebos.

Damn it, I want
to care about something

as much as you care
about ruining Schmidt's life.

And where have you
been all night, young lady?

Jumping around to
your hippity-hop?

Taking your drug pills
and smoking your hash stick?

I'm actually asking... I'm not
doing a thing right here.

Those guys are so much fun.

Now, if you'll excuse
me, I've been up

for 48 hours, so I'm gonna just
sleep off an ass-ton of quinoa.

No, there's no time for sleep!
Guys, here's what we got to do.

We got to find the passion
that we have in life,

and we got to hold on to it.

- You're so right.
- Just like...

I can't believe
I'm saying this...

just like Nick Miller.

Why, look at that.

I've never been an
inspiration before.

I don't like it.

It's too much responsibility.

Ooh, ay-ay-ay.

I am cons-to-the-pizzo.

Hmm?

Constipated.

I'm constipated.

Surprising.

Here, sit down,
relax, watch some TV.

What's the chair
doing over here?

Just moved it.

Oh... gosh.

Turn it down, man!
Turn it down!

- Turn it... What?
- It's too loud!

Schmidt, you're blasting
the TV, you maniac!

You can hear that?

It's blasting, Schmidt!
Jess is trying to sleep!

- You can hear this?
- Uh, yes.

Well, you know what,
you were right.

They hate me, and I
know why they hate me, too.

It's because I'm old, and
they're the future of humanity,

a pan-ethnic,
pan-sexual hive mind,

and they want nothing
to do with me.

They're not that great, Schmidt.

Last night,
Chaz and Sutton

- got in a fight.
- A lovers' quarrel?

Sutton and Chaz
are not a couple.

Chaz is with Fife;
Brorie's with, uh...

- the other broad.
- Actually,

Brorie, Sutton and Fife
are in a triad,

and Chaz is a floater.

They're poly-amorous?
Damn it!

Jess, you've got to help me

- help them forget how old I am.
- You're not old.

- Then how do you explain this?
- Use your legs, buddy.

- Let me show you something.
- Gonna hurt your back.

Look at this...
I'm freaking shrinking!

I took a photo of the wall,
shrunk it down,

made a copy
at an architect's office.

From there,
it was just your basic

spackle-and-silkscreen job.

I don't care, but... yay.

It's a weird life,
but it's where I'm at right now.

Okay.

- Jess...
- this is the hardest thing

I've ever had to say.

Please help me be cool.

Say that one more time.

Oh. Visor-wearing Jess,

will you please help me be cool?

Okay, listen up,

I got 3.5 years to live.

I can't be an
assistant any more.

I don't want to die.
I want to work.

Honestly, I want to work here.

But I got to
follow my passion,

much like a running back
would want

when given the ball,
and in the game of life,

this job is the pigskin.

And damn it,
I'm in the red zone!

And in summation, I feel...

very good about
what I just said.

Hopefully, you do, too.

Who wants to start
an arcade fire?

Schmidt.

- What?
- What are you doing? This is not

the outfit we
talked about.

- What? Rock and roll.
- You way overshot it.

Look at that.
I'm being ironic.

That's not ironic;
That's just a bad pun.

And what are
you doing here?

Your arms are hot,
but your neck is cold?

Hey, look at me.

If you guys keep
a tight core,

you can... your burpees
can look like this, too.

When's the Olympics?
Right, guys?

I'm gonna set
a PR tonight.

Well, you know,
he's not... he's not...

Parkour.

- Oh!
- Oh!

You got beer on her, man.

Did I do that?

Don't worry, my mom
can throw that dress in

with my laundry
next time she's here.

Sorry.
Your mom does your laundry?

Washer-dryer kind of
freaks me out, you know?

It's just, like, eh...

washa-washa-washa,

- guh-guh, guh-guh, uh-guh-guh-guh.
- On the noise.

Okay, you know what?
It's fine.

I'll-I'll wash it myself.

- All right.
- Thank you, though.

She's so
iconoclastic and modern.

And she even got
our dishwasher to work.

- I remember.
- You know,

I mean, I just...
it wasn't that big a deal.

It was just... I just...
I just turned it on.

There was a button
that said "on."

It's weird how the dishwasher
just lives under the counter.

How come there's
no dish-dryer?

Or un-washer.

Oh, my God, you guys, are
we the dish un-washers?

Why don't we
just move to Prague?

I need to focus
on my art.

You can totally focus
on your art in Prague.

If we move
to Prague, should I

paint my nails
black again?

Hey, you guys, um...

I can't hang out
with you any more.

- Why not?
- Because...

Our entire relationship's
built on a lie.

Jess, what are you
talking about?

I did not make up...

- "Did I do that?"
- Jess, please don't...

- I have to introduce you to a...
- Don't do it.

Little, adorable
African-American nerd.

Don't press the
button. Don't...

Jess, why would you

do this to us?

Who's "Steve Urclee"?

Jess, what the
hell was that?

You were supposed to
teach me how to be cool.

You did a terrible job.
Look what I'm wearing.

You didn't listen
to anything I said!

I told you to stop
trying so hard.

I will never stop trying.

I don't care if I have
to do a billion burpees.

That is how you crush...
you never give up.

That is the difference
between me and you, Jess.

Is that what you think?
You think I just gave up?

- Well...
- I was fired, Schmidt.

Do you think I wanted
to stop teaching?

That's why I liked hanging
out with those kids...

'cause they weren't
judging me all the time

for not crushing it.

- Okay...
- Do you think that I want to work

At the Casserole Shanty?

Do you know what the people
I work with call it?

The Ass-erole Shanty.

Just don't stop teaching.

I mean, there's
got to be something.

- I don't know, driver's ed, CPR...
- Uh...

A smile class.

My life sucks so
much right now.

But at least I'm not 23.

At least I own
a trash can.

At least I can
legally rent a car.

At least I don't live in
a loft with three other...

But you live with us.

But I live you with guys.

Jess?

We don't care

if you stole
your catchphrase

from some low-budget
Web series.

We still want
to hang out.

Don't trust
your government, kids.

Oh, my God, it's the
old man from the stairs.

I thought he died.

Let's get out of here
before his robe opens.

- He's gonna get his old on you! Get out while you can!
- Hey, hey, Charles,

The decrepit thing
that just walked by,

now, that is old, okay?

And you can hate
him for being old,

but you cannot hate me.

We don't hate you for being old.

We hate you 'cause you're
a viciously unbearable ass-head.

Seriously?

That's...
Come here, that's...

Get off! Ass-head!

Ass-head! Yeah!

- I'm not gonna drink it all.
- Guys,

I... am an ass-head.

They don't hate me
because I'm old.

They hate me
because of my personality.

I can totally change
my personality.

Congratulations, Schmidt,
that is... that's weird news.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you are looking
at a brand-new man.

A man who has proved

so capable of talking
about so little

for so long...

is now the producer
of his very own

sports talk show.

- No way!
- What?!

That's right.
That's right.

- Yeah, baby!
- It's halftime in America!

Man, that's amazing!

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

2:35 to 5:35 a.m.

Boom! Prime time
for truckers!

- That's awesome. He's got something.
- Yes.

In other news,
I just spent three days

trying to impress people
who don't own bed frames.

Well, if it makes
you feel any better,

I spent the
last three days

pouring urine on a
grown man's sheets.

Can you imagine how much
we would get done

if we just focused
our energy

onto something
a little bit more worthwhile?

- Not to mention the money we would save.
- I know.

Wait, what money?

I mean, I've been running
the numbers on this,

but, you know,
I think I spent...

you know,
$1,200 to $1,300.

- What?!
- on these pranks, yeah.

- What?!
- And I was under- budget, so...

Under-budget?

What, you think fake
contact lenses are free?

- They are not, sister.
- Nick, you don't

have that
kind of money.

I know I don't.

Where are you gonna
get that from?

Doesn't matter.
I had to prank Schmidt.

And I did.

Holy crap.

- I need a real job.
- Yeah, you do.

Don't you ever prank me!

Of course. You got it.

You'll never see it coming.

This is like
the end of a horror movie.

Or the beginning
of a pranking movie.

There are no pranking movies.

Yet. Get out of here.

You'll never see it coming.

This prescription is blurry.

Hi, Schmidt.

Is that you in tailored,
grown-up clothing?

Yeah. Mama's gonna
ride this blazer

- all the way to a tutoring job.
- Thank goodness.

I almost thought I was gonna
have to loan you money.

Well, I said tutoring job,
not venture capitalist.

- Proud of you nonetheless.
- Thanks.

What the hell?

Okay. All right, Nick,
very funny.

Quite the prankster you are.

Ha!

I'm gonna hit your ass
with a ski!

- Winston?
- Get some.