New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 1 - Re-launch - full transcript

Oh, late, late,
late, late, late.

# I couldn't dance
with another #

# No, I #

# Couldn't ask
for another #

# Groove is in the heart,
yeah. #

Cold, cold, cold shower!

Hey, hey, hey.

You can't turn the sink on
when someone's in the shower.

This is not some fancy hotel.

Okay, I'm sorry,
I overslept.

I'm running late for a meeting
with the vice principal.



Please get out of here
so I can save

a little bit
of my dignity.

One, two, three, four.

# Groove is in the heart. #

I'm not gonna do it, Schmidt,
so you can just stop asking me.

- Well, I'm gonna keep asking, so just do it.
- Look,

I'm not doing it until
you tell me why you've had

time to shave your chest
but not your face.

Ugh, Jess, would you
please scratch an itch

I have
on my undercarriage?

I can't get the right angle
and Winston refuses.

No, I don't have
time, Schmidt.

Jess, please, I-I...
this is awful.

I feel like I dropped
something in there.



You hear that? Loose change.

I thought
we talked

about you not wearing your
shower diaper in the kitchen.

Excuse me, do you think
this has been easy for me...

to wash myself all summer long
with a penis cast on?

Thank God this thing
comes off this afternoon.

And by the way, I know
what you've been thinking,

and the answer
is yes,

I have been able
to reach completion

with some very precise
and vigorous nipple play.

Nipple play... off-limits.

Wait, Jess, please,
I-I'm begging you.

Okay, fine.

Just get it,
just get it in there

- in the back.
- Stop moving like that.

There you go.

Oh, thank God.

What am I
watching here?

- What do you mean?
- This is friendship,

Pure unadulterated
friendship.

Oh, yeah.

# Hey, girl #

# What you doing? #

# Hey, girl #

# Where you going? #

- # Who's that girl? #
- #Who's that girl?#

# Who's that girl? #

- #Who's that girl?#
- # It's Jess. #

Hi, Tanya, um,
sorry I'm late.

Take a seat.

Okay.

Is everything all right?

I'll give you
the bad news first.

Okay.

The bad news is, is that
cutbacks are forcing me

to lay off ten percent
of our nontenured teachers.

That's terrible.

But the bad news is, is that
it seems you are one of them.

That's not how
you deliver news.

What are you doing?

Trying to make this
more fun.

- No.
- You're right.

Tanya, I'm a really
good teacher.

I care about my kids.

I spent
two months

in summer school with an
Indian student named Vaj Rejuv

and I did not laugh
once, not once.

I'm sorry, Jess,
but on the plus side...

you can have
anything you want

out of the
lost-and-found box.

Okay.

- Good choice.
- Thank you for the opportunity.

Um, it's been an
honor working here.

The dictionary
defines "teacher" as...

Okay, you can take another one.

No, you can't
share a bowl of cereal.

Why not?

The cast is off, gentlemen.

- Great. Congratulations, man.
- Good news, man.

Oh! - Oh!
Yeah, take it in.

- Goodness, the smell, man.
- We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt.

Soak it all in,
in all its foul glory.

That is not just some

disgusting, salty
bundle of gauze.

That is a symbol of who I was
for the past two months:

The broken-penis guy.

But if there's anything
that majoring in marketing

with a minor in theater studies
has taught me,

it's that everybody has a brand.

Nick, your brand
is gypsy alcoholic handyman.

Winston,

your brand is Winston.

Nicholas, Winstoniel,

I'm staging an event to
relaunch the Schmidt brand.

It's going to happen
this Saturday night,

and it is going
to be epic.

You're having a party
to tell girls

you're ready
to have sex again?

Not a party;
A rebranding event.

Please tell me
there's not a theme.

There most certainly is
a theme... it is a secret

- that will be announced on the night.
- I bet it's danger.

No, you're... you're wrong.
It's not danger.

- It'll be announced on the night.
- I really think

- It's going to be danger.
- I'm going to go with danger.

Come on, man, it's not danger.
Stop guessing danger.

Who'd you invite?

The ladies from Lululemon,
my urologist,

my badminton partner,
my financial planner,

Philip Seymour Hoffman
and a guy who once wrote

for a little show
called Crank Yankers.

And obviously Cece.

She hasn't spoken
to you all summer...

since you broke
up with her.

Yeah, I'm over it.

It's not about her.
I hope she comes.

Now, let's talk venue.

Jess, oh, my God.

Are you okay?

How long have you
been sitting here?

I panicked,
and I grabbed the hat.

I should have grabbed the yo-yo
or the slap bracelet,

and now all I have
is this stupid hat.

- I'm sorry.
- No, you're right.

I'm overthinking it.
The hat's fine.

You take me home?

Yeah, of course.

I-I can't go
upstairs, though,

'cause of the whole
Schmidt thing.

It's going to be
okay, all right?

I mean, this is the moment
before something amazing

is going to happen
for you. I promise.

Put these on.

Is this making you
feel better?

I've decided to host my

- relaunch event at Nick's bar.
- No.

And you, my friend,
are bartending.

Don't make me work for you.
You can have everything else.

Come on, man.
You're perfect.

You bring the heat,
but you're not

a threat in the
looks department.

- I get that, actually.
- And only you

Can make those fruity
drinks that used to make

the girls lose their
minds in college.

Fine, I'll do it,
but I'm not making those drinks.

Oh, come on, Nick.
You have a gift.

Why you always trying to hide
your light under a bushel?

Because, sure, I could get
a girl topless, no bra,

with one hollowed-out papaya,

some crushed ice
and two fingers of rum,

but then I grew up.

Now I only want to make a drink
that a coal miner would want.

Straightforward, honest.

Something that says,
"I work in a hole."

And I'm especially not making
those drinks for you.

- What? Why?
- 'Cause you can't handle it.

You drink them way too fast,
and then you get weird.

Oh, come on. That was,
like, years ago, dude.

I'm a changed man.
I mean, look at me.

- I'm wearing a suit.
- A suit? Please.

That's something they
put on Morgan Freeman

when they let him out of
Shawshank. Look at that.

What, did a magician
die in that thing?

Hi.

I got laid off.

- What? Are you serious?
- Oh, my God.

- What happened?
- Obama.

It's possible
I'm still in shock.

I'm going to go to my room
and process what just happened.

Thank you for your attention.

Ah, this is not good.
Now she's going to cry.

I hate it when she cries.

Her face gets all red and puffy.

- Makes me sick.
- Okay, we got to

Fix this right now, guys.

Let's go.
We got to do something.

- Okay. Here's how this is going to go.
- Hi.

You will not pity me.

No pity eyes.
Schmidt, stop looking at me

like I'm a fat kid
riding a bike.

It's just a job.
I'll get a new one.

You're going to get so many
jobs, Jess. I promise.

So I just want you to go
about your day and act normal.

Okay?

What's wrong
with your eyes, Nick?

Stop blinking.
Why are you doing that?

I just think they fired
the wrong girl, kid.

Oh, for sure.

Stop. Nick!

What's up?

- What's wrong with you?
- You wiggin'?

- Act normal, okay?
- If that's what you want.

- That is what I want.
- That's what you'll get.

Where you going, Schmidt?

Sorry. This way.

Bye.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

- How you doing, kid?
- Great.

My boobs are loving
this unemployed thing.

They don't have to go
to boob jail every day.

Job hunt is on.

This hospital Web site
says I can earn up to $700,

and all I have to do is be
infected with dengue fever.

Are you sure you're okay?

For the thousandth time, yes.

I know you've been
waiting all week

for me to break down,
but I'm fine.

Just be normal.

- I'm being normal.
- You're crossing your legs.

I always do this.

You've never crossed your legs
in your entire life.

I didn't even know
you were that flexible.

- Well...
- And stop being nice to me.

What, I'm not normally
nice to you, Jess?

No. You're mean,
like a crazy old man.

"I'm Nick. I hate sunshine.

"When did gum get so fancy?

This escalator
goes too fast."

Be mean.

Look sharp, you dumb-ass.

Sorry. That... that was in
my head a little.

Look sharp, you dumb-ass.

- No. Tighten up!
- That's terrible.

I don't have it today.
I don't know what it is.

Can you
believe that the zoo

wouldn't let me borrow
their white tiger?

I mean, the nerve.

I'm going to be sitting
in the back of the party,

and Philip Seymour Hoffman's
going to be like,

"Look at that idiot who
couldn't even get a big cat."

Schmidt, you need a tiger.

I need a job.

Hire me.

- No.
- Here...

- No, I'm not going to...
- Schmidt!

- What are you...?
- Hire me. I am a people person.

I'm great at parties.

I can make any kind
of balloon animal,

as long as it's a worm
or a snake...

- No, Jess.
- Come on.

Help a brother out.

Jess, you just got
laid off, okay?

I can't have an emotionally
vulnerable person on my crew.

Tonight is about one man's
functioning penis.

I wouldn't say functioning.

I saw what you did
to the toilet seat.

And I'm not unstable.
I just need a job.

Okay, fine.
You know what, Jess? Fine.

You can be my other shot girl.

- Yes!
- A shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl.

Why not?

Because you don't have

that specific hotness
that shames men

into spending nine dollars
on a two-dollar shot.

- She doesn't have it.
- Are you saying I'm not hot?

No, no, no, I'm not...
No, no, you're hot, you're hot.

- Nick!
- I'm saying you're the nurse

That I want to wake up to
after having my stomach pumped.

You know what I mean?

Its a different kind of hot...
still hot.

I'm going to be
a great shot girl, Nick.

I pour liquids into cups
every single day.

Add on top of that two years
of light tap and jazz.

Please, I feel... I feel you
overthinking this already.

I'm going to be the best
shot girl in the world.

- Cheers!
- Cheers.

Getting my costume.

Hiya, big boy.

What's your poison?

- Oh...
- What?

Yeah, interesting choices.

It's a great hat.
Can I have it?

Let's get rid of that.

I've decided that
tonight my name is Ivy,

and I'm studying
to be an actress,

and I'll sleep with you
if you give me a part

- in a Paramount picture.
- Do you have another

Outfit in your car, or are you
going to stick with this one?

Hey, young man, why
weren't you drafted?

- You like someone?
- Good stuff.

Schmidt! Just the guy
I was looking for.

- So the theme of the party is...
- Is danger.

That's right, but it's
on a level that you

- couldn't possibly understand, Nick.
- Okay.

Just, where... where
is the other shot girl?

- I don't know, boss.
- Here I am.

Casey. Thank you for
joining us. Great.

Here's where it's at.

I don't work with amateurs.

I don't split tips.

Things get a little freaky
in here, I'm out the door

because I'm a little diabetic
and I don't need a hassle.

And also, I do accept payment
in the form of whippets

because I've got a PhD;

- a Pretty Heavy Drug Problem.
- Oh.

How old are you?

Twenty-six.

Thank you for your honesty.

Yeah! Who's up?

Okay, you jerk, come here.
Stupid jerk.

Who wants a shot of firewater?

Anybody want me to wet
their whistle?

Hey, Schmidt.

It's working, Nick. Look at all
these beautiful ladies.

And this is just
the beginning, man.

I can take this to the next
level whenever I want.

You know why? 'Cause I got
something up my sleeve.

Schmidt, please,
nothing up your sleeve.

It never works!

Remain in your seat and finish
the exam, Mr. Schmidt.

You know,
in Student Health Services,

they still call that
"Schmidting the bed."

Why are you proud
of that?

What the hell
is this?

Come on, Schmidt,
you know I don't

- make girly drinks any more.
- I didn't buy that stuff.

You didn't buy this?
Then who did?

What's my name?

Casey!

You're all a bunch of jerks.

Yes! My penis is working!

Casey!

Hey. - Hey.
Hey-hey!

Cece.

I had to check out the new
and improved Schmidt.

Been hearing
so much about it, so...

I'm really glad that you came.

Look, I wanted
to tell you...

I want you to meet Robby,
my, uh, my boyfriend.

Your what?

There he is.

The one shaped
like a Liberty Bell?

It's a great party.
Thank you for inviting us.

- Flip it, man, flip it!
- I'm flipping it!

Did you guys see

Cece's new boyfriend,
the commoner?

Oh, wow, Schmidty,
you really lowered Cece's bar.

There's got to be an explanation
for this,

like he's the Lord of Winterfell

or he's working with
a real piece of pipe.

Schmidt? Schmidt, don't get
hung up on that guy.

And here comes the weirdness.

Not weird, just a guy
who really wants a drink.

Mm-mmm! Mmm...

Mmm!

It's like an explosion
of fruit!

There it is.

Look at me being so naughty!

So naughty.

- Hey.
- I'm Schmidt.

I, too, was a sexual
partner of Cece.

- Welcome to the party.
- Thank you for having me.

Let me just tell you

this is a very
impressive party.

There's speakers everywhere.
There's one over there.

I saw two on the back wall.

Oh, there's one right there.
Didn't see that one before.

- Yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lot of...
- Lots of speakers. Yeah.

So, so what's your deal?

I mean, do you vacation
in Europe ever?

No. You know, I've never left

- California in my life.
- You in a band?

I don't, I don't like music.
What's up with me, you know?

- You work for Goldman then?
- For who?

This feels good.
I'm gonna go.

Congratulations
on your penis, man.

What's your name?

Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. Oh!

Could I get a broom?!

Look at my butt.

Look at my butt, stupid jerks.

Hey, Jess.

Nick, I'm fine.

I don't need you to be nice
to me right now.

Okay. You want me to be mean?

- Yes.
- I'll give you mean, Jess.

This is the easiest job
in the whole world!

The only thing
easier than this

is passing out cigarettes
to prisoners.

And what if I wanted to
take a body shot off you?

Oh, yeah! I can't
because you're wearing

a turn-of-the-century
bathing costume.

How's this? Are you getting mad
or are you happy with this?

It's good.
That's really good.

So stop feeling sorry
for yourself, kid,

and get up on that bar and
shake that piece of plywood

- that you call an ass!
- That's too far!

- Yeah, yeah, I agree. You got a great ass.
- That is too far!

That is too far.

This is so fun!

# Sexy girl
all around the world #

No hat. No hat!

# Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work #

# Sexy girl all around
the world #

# Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work #

- # Sexy girl all around the world #
- Yeah!

# Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work #

# Sexy girl all around
the world #

# Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work #

You know, this Robby guy's
got nothing on me.

- Right.
- I think I can get Cece back.

Seriously,
just let it go.

I just need to remind her
how amazing I am.

Luckily, I've got something
up my sleeve.

Schmidt, no, no!
Schmidt, don't!

Schmidt, no sleeves, please!

Shot girl, shot girl!

Shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl, shot girl!

Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl,
shot girl!

Shot girl!
Shot girl!

Shot girl!

I'm a shot girl.

Oh.

I'm a shot girl.

Hey, J-Jess, Jess.

Jess, where are you going?

What am I doing, Nick?
I'm a teacher.

I'm not a shot girl.

Fire...

the most dangerous element
of all of the elements.

Now I'm doing this.

Okay, let's see here.

And then now I'm doing this.

Sure. And now I'm not sure
what I'm doing.

I'm not actually quite sure
how to stop this.

Um, this is definitely
real fire.

I'm very apologetic.
I think everyone should leave.

Um, thank you very much
for coming.

There's party favors
at the door.

I'd like to thank my urologist
for coming.

Oh, wait. No, no, no,
everybody, look.

I'm okay.
I got it under control.

Cece, watch this one.

Hey, look, Cece. Fire!

Where's Robby?

Pulling the car around.

You really scared him.

Why haven't you called me back
in two months, Cece?

You are the one
who broke up with me.

I don't see you
until you show up here tonight

with... with a boyfriend?

And please, please tell me
he's on some sort of medication

that's making him
temporarily bloated.

Come on, okay?

You and I both know
we never would have worked.

We are far too alike.

Both so beautiful.

You're gonna be fine.
You know that, right?

Hey, uh, Cece, I...

I got to know, why him?

I mean, what, what is his brand?

He's just a good guy.

And I'm...

too dangerous?

Yeah, that's it.

I'll see you around, Schmidt.

Yeah.

Fun fact:

There's a reason why guys
nickname me "T-Ball."

When they step up
to the plate,

they never strike out.

Honey, what happened to you
in your life

that made you like this?

I graduated from MIT,
and then I got

into a horrible accident
where I lost half my brain.

There it is.

I came back
to say good-bye.

I figured that.

I was kidding myself.

I love teaching.

It's who I am.

What if I
can't do anything else?

Jess, come on.
I can't do anything,

and look at me.

I'm kind of fine,
you know?

It's just that being
a teacher was all

I ever, ever
wanted to do.

It just,
it just sucks, you know?

Yeah, life sucks!

And then it gets better,
and then it sucks again.

Yeah.

And then,
and then it just...

- Sucks.
- ...sucks.

Nick.

What?

Will you be mean to
me one more time?

Look sharp,
you dumb-ass!

You look sharp!

You're a terrible
shot girl!

You got hoof hands
and a plywood ass, kid!

You call that a shot girl
outfit, you dumb-ass?

I got mixed up... I thought
it was a cigarette girl.

That is what happened.

You look like
a cigarette girl.

# The chills that you spill
out my back keep me fill #

# With satisfaction
when we're done #

# Satisfaction
of what's to come #

# I wouldn't dance for another #

# I wouldn't dance
for another! #

# Groove is in the house. #
Danger!