New Girl (2011–2018): Season 2, Episode 2 - Katie - full transcript

Well, it took a year,

she's finally cooking
and cleaning.

I knew this would pay off
eventually.

Does everybody like egg pie?

Jess, I believe the word that

you're looking for is
"frittata."

Oh, Schmidt, stop staring
at my fritta-tas!

You gotta do
something, Nick.

My sister's coming,
my mother's coming.

I love being unemployed.
I love it!

If I'd lost my job
a week ago,



- I'd be deep in a porn hole by now.
- Five-second rule.

The images, the things I would
have seen by now. It's...

Jess, are you cooking

a frittata in a saucepan?
What is this, prison?

- Jar.
- Jar. That's a jar for sure.

Yeah, I know.

I already got the money ready.

No!

- What? Oh, no!
- Damn it!

No!

Jess! What is this?!

I just finished that last night.
Isn't it great?

Felt art?

- Nick?
- I'm on it.



What?

What photograph were you working from?
My hair hasn't

looked like that in three weeks.

Your hair looks just
like that, Schmidt.

Yeah, your hair looks
just like that.

You are perfect
in that.

This is making me furious.

It's multi-cloth
collage.

Insane!

Jess, can I have
a word with you?

Take a break!

You're looking at this
the wrong way.

This is the first time

you don't have to be anywhere
or do anything.

Right.

You could make weird art

or don't make weird art.

But the point is you can
do whatever you want.

You could go off the grid.
You could be an outlaw.

I'm not really someone who goes
off the grid, Nick.

Whoo-hoo!
I'm off the grid!

I'm so far off the grid, that
everybody's all, "She's off the grid!"

And then I'm all,
"I don't play by your rules."

I can drink at 11:00... a.m.

Yeah, that backfired
pretty quickly.

High five.

# Who's that girl? #

- #Who's that girl?#
- # It's Jess. #

Look at that, look at that,
look at that.

My mom always said
I was a late bloomer.

Wait till she sees
this mustache! Bam!

- That's not a shadow?
- What?

'Cause your nose makes
a shadow right over your...

Oh, now it is a mustache.
You look adorable.

Winston, I need you
to be honest with me, okay?

- Yeah.
- Does your mother not like me?

Yes.

She does, she does
not like me?

Schmidt, she loves you.

Good, good, because, you know,

historically speaking,
I'm like, catnip

to tough-talking
African-American women.

It's 'cause I don't front,
know what I mean?

Don't do that.

A'ight.

What is that?

What's your name?

I'm Nick.

Nick's name is Nick!

- Nick, meet Nick.
- Hi, Nick.

You guys even look alike.

Look at that
turtle face.

Nick, want these kegs
behind the bar?

- Yes.
- Yes.

- He was talking to me.
- He was talking to you.

Andy, I'll go get
your check, bud.

Oh, hey, Winston, you know,
you can just have

the hummus in there, okay?
It's giving me the toots.

Hey, Schmidt.

Hey, Alisha.

You look great.
Wow.

Thanks.

It's like they stretched
the ugly out of Winston.

Hmm.

How's the hoops?

- Good, it's good.
- Yeah?

Very impressive, pro ball.

I mean, women's pro,
but still. Swoosh.

I was working in real estate,
but I got laid off, so...

I got laid off last week!

I don't even know
what to do with myself.

I just told myself it was a
chance to start over.

- Yes.
- Be someone

That I've always wanted

- to be, you know?
- I'm Jess.

Hi. How are ya?

I'm Bearclaw!

Bearclaw helps me
with the deliveries.

Hey.

- Here's your check, my man.
- Thanks, man.

Maybe I'll see you around.
I'm in the phone booth.

Um, oh, it was nice
to meet you, Jess.

- Nice meeting you, too.
- And, Jess, you met me.

Nice to meet you both.

Hey, Nick, I know what I'm gonna
do with all my free time.

- Him.
- You like him?

Mother, may I? Can you give him
my phone number?

Yeah, absolutely.

Winston, your sister
got so hot.

I'm gonna have
to Shaq attack her.

- Schmidt.
- May I have your blessing? 'Cause I'm gonna be,

- Like, dribbling up the court.
- Schmidt.

Boom. Technical foul.

Boom. Illegal use
of the hands. Boom.

- Hello, Schmidt.
- Charmaine.

Charmaine!

The loft just became

Big Mama's House!

- Give me a hug.
- You gonna take care of this?

- He's dead to me.
- Okay.

Hi. Excuse me.
Are you Katie?

I'm Sam from Cupid Match.

And I'm the girl from my dreams
of you.

You are Katie, right?

- Yeah.
- Finally.

I am.
I'm Katie. Hi.

Hi. So many e-mails
back and forth.

How's the little
dog of yours?

I had to put her-im down
on the way here.

- Oh, my God!
- I know.

Can I tell you
something?

Uh, not really.

I'm you from
the future.

Well, that's a first.

Nick, I traveled from
the future to find you.

I'm a time traveler.

Does everybody
tip badly in the future,

or is it just you?

You don't believe
I'm you, do you?

Absolutely not.

Well, I know you didn't
shower this morning.

Well, good guess.
It's a Wednesday.

I know a girl
broke your heart and

you gave up on love.

I know sometimes you get
mad and you don't know why.

I know you're
a bartender

because you like
three feet of bar

between you and
everyone you meet.

Well, I mean...

Chew on that,
you clown.

Wait. Hey, don't-don't say
all that weird stuff

and then just leave!

You were wrong
about the bar!

But everything else was right.

What was the band
that we...? I know...

I'm in.

I've been to
48 Creed shows, so...

Forty-two.

- No way!
- Way!

- Are you serious?
- Wow!

Way to go, Cupid Match.

Yeah. Hey, hold still.

You got a little hair...

on your nose.

Let's just say,
hypothetically,

we live in a world where
time travel exists, okay?

So if that is
the case...

One, Marie Antoinette.
Two, Cleopatra.

Three,
young Ann-Margret.

Four, old Ann-Margret.

Would you shut up, you clown?!
I'm being serious!

I'm talking about real time
travel here, Schmidty.

And I made an astute observation
off of that.

I might have met
future me.

Who knows about this?

Nobody. You're the first
person I've told, obviously.

- Whoa.
- If I find out how you die,

Do you want me
to tell you?

Don't worry. I already know.
It's one of these moles.

- See this little S.O.B. right there?
- That's the guy?

I've been eyeing him
for a while.

That's one's gonna turn
green one day,

and then
there you go.

Schmidt's dead.

I met me in my bar!

Ask him when I meet Kanye.
'Cause I vision...

I'm talking about
real time travel.

I have visions
of me, Kanye, Beyoncé...

I could figure out
what happened...!

- Hey, can I talk to you guys?
- What's up, baby?

Don't call me baby.
Seriously, stop.

Come on, spill. - Don't wink at me.
What?

Okay, look, I had the best
sex of my life last night.

He brewed me like
a fine chamomile.

Oh, so that was you.

I thought that was
a couple bums fighting.

It wasn't.. It was me having sex.

- Mm. - I left my body, went up to heaven,
saw my grandparents,

Thought it was weird that
I saw my grandparents,

came back down, I became a
werewolf, I scared some teenagers.

I came back into my body.
Only thing is,

he thinks my name is Katie.

And that I'm
a dancer

and/or something
involving puppets.

Katie?

Hey, Sam.

- These are my roommates.
- Hey.

- Hey, uh, Katie, we're running late for dance rehearsal.
- Yes. Oh.

We're wondering if we're
doing leg warmers today...

- Leg warmers.
- Oh, we are. Leg warmers?

You guys are dancers, too?

- Yeah, I mean, mostly Katie,
- Yes, yes.

- But yeah.
- What, do we not look like dancers?

- No, I mean...
- This one's a leaper.

- No, I knew he was gonna go there.
- You're a leaper. You are.

Yep. He is.
They call him, uh, Cricket.

- Yeah, Cricket the leaper.
- Let me see you leap.

- Cricket, show him how you leap.
- I'd love to see you leap.

Don't get self-conscious now.
You've got this.

- You've got it.
- You're really

getting a show here,
'cause he normally

doesn't do this
for a private audience.

- Do the tribal stuff.
- All right. Yeah.

- Beautiful.
- Is he okay?

I'm kind of hearing
some popping.

No, no, Look at that vert.

- Breathtaking.
- Faster. Faster.

Grasshopper.

And I'm done.

All right, you know what?
I'm gonna go

to a couple brunches,
maybe take a nap,

rehydrate. Come here.

This is so normal.

This isn't upsetting at all.

Yah!

Oh, man.

All right,
I'm gonna text you later.

- Yep.
- And if you

find my underwear just, uh...

keep it.

I got to go.

Wow, Katie's an animal.

- Katie's the best.
- Nice.

I love being Katie.

- Vintage Katie.
- Like an animal you are.

Katie knows how the sausage
gets made.

- Ew.
- Katie...

Has a job, y'all.

I think I should
just stay Katie.

Maybe you should
watch a cautionary tale

that I like to call
The Nutty Professor.

What's Katie gonna do, Nick?

She's got
some pretty dark needs.

Well, I hope you don't like him,
'cause you're not coming back

from, "Just kidding.
My name is actually Jess."

"Hey, I got your number
from Nick. Want to hang?"

- What's this?
- I gave your number

To the guy that you like
from the bar. You asked me to.

Oh, my God.

I forgot.

I've never had two guys
into me before.

- What's happening?
- Jess, I'm gonna tell you what's happening.

Okay, there comes a time

in every person's
life when...

for no reason whatsoever

they are irresistible
to the opposite sex.

For me, it was
the third night

of Hanukkah '96,

which I like to refer to as
The Night of the Shoshannas.

For me, it's every time
I Jet Ski.

This is not fair.

It is gonna take
all of my game

- to sleep with Winston's sister.
- What?

- What?
- And then there's you,

Who has this raw
animal magnetism

just dropped in her lap

like a sack of taters.
What a waste.

- I'm pretty sure it is not a waste.
- Oh, it's a waste.

Jess, look, you
don't have the skill

to juggle men.

You wear a cardigan

on top of another cardigan.

We all know you're not
the best with doorknobs.

You can barely hold
one thing in each hand.

You tripped the other day
just standing there.

What's happening?

Okay, but Katie
can juggle men.

She's out the door
before you even know

your wallet's gone, son.

Ooh.

He wants to cook for me.

Is there a hot way of saying

I don't feel sexy after
I've had a lot of cheese?

I would say no.

Didn't know

this was a butter knife
type of place.

Don't worry,
the team's paying.

If anybody asks,
you're the ball boy.

Hey, Coach, put me in.

- Schmidt.
- Schmidt, what the hell are you doing here?

Come on, move over.
Hey, y'all.

Everybody scooch,
a little scoochie down.

- Okay, teamwork. Defense.
- Really?

A lot of money that I want

to deposit
into your Tyra Banks.

If he touches your sister,

I'm gonna stop paying
your cell phone bill.

The L.A. Sparks.

So many Sparks in one place,

you're about to start
the world's sexiest fire.

Am I right?

Andy and I have been

sending each other some
pretty dirty texts.

Come to the professor.
Let me see.

He says, "Can't stop thinking"

about what you're gonna
wear tonight."

How do I respond?

- With a simple...
- Mm-hmm.

"Or not wear."

- Okay.
- Okay?

"Or not wear

because sex happens naked."

Send.

Okay, let me help
you with that.

"Just kidding.

Get ready for a night
you will never forget."

Okay?

"Because once you see my body,

you will go brain-dead
and have memory loss."

Send.

Oh, no.

Autocorrect changed "body"
to "meat bar."

Bearclaw, what are you...

Yeah!

Oh, you're so hot.

Come here.

I can't
wait to see your meat bar.

That's why
they call me Bearclaw.

You did that yourself
in middle school.

See now it's retracting
its claws.

Now it's contracting
its claws.

Like, "Rrr, I'm gonna
attack you in the wild."

Oh, my God, phone's ringing.

- Oh.
- Got to take this.

I'm so sorry, it...

- No, no, no, I...
- It's very important.

I'll just be cooking.

I love cooking.

It's my only outlet.

Nick, Nick.

You gave my number
to the wrong guy.

- Wait, which one did you want me to give your number to?
- Andy.

Andy is so boring.

Bearclaw just told me a
ten minute joke about squirrels

with the punch line,
"eat these nuts."

Seriously, he is so awesome.

Nick, I don't want
to hurt his feelings.

Tell me what to do

because you got me into
this mess; this is your fault.

This is not my fault.
I just wanted you

to stop cleaning
the kitchen so much, Jess.

Oh, my God.

Who's Katie?

I'm Katie.

What is happening?

- Hey, mama bear.
- Hey.

Yeah.

Can I tell you some... thing?

Me first.

Um, when Nick...

When Nick told me
that you wanted my number,

I was all like...

And then I was like,

Nick, this might be
the best thing

that ever happened to me.

Now you go.

Um...

what I was gonna say was, um...

You're...

an old soul.

Hey, I wanted...

I wanted to tell you.

When I, uh,

I got your text from before,

and I have figured out
my sex character.

And it's
Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers.

Hey, if we...
if we make love later,

and I tell you to pretend
that I'm a scary ghost,

are you gonna be
weirded out by that?

Bearclaw, I'm sick.

Oh.

- In my... face.
- Oh, no, um,

I've got an anal thermometer
in my bag.

I'm really good
at telling myself,

and I think that I'm...
I feel very feverish.

- I don't think I need the thermometer.
- Oh, yeah.

No, you do feel hot.

Yeah.

Now you feel even hotter.

Alisha, have a drink with me.

Schmidt,

I only go out with guys
who play basketball.

Well, let's play for it.

I win,
you have a drink with me.

You win,
I take you to brunch.

Shoot me.

Schmidt, I'm a professional
basketball player.

Yeah, and I'm a guy who works in
marketing that wants to give it to you.

We both have jobs;
Get over it.

Do I ever finish writing
my zombie book?

Z is for Zombie?

Great title.

Do we ever get rich and famous?

Three words:

Hot, air, balloon.

Do we invent them?

No, they've been invented.

Jess or Katie?

Not now, Nicks.

Hey, tell her you're sorry.

- What for?
- You'll find out.

I mean, I'm sure I did
something stupid,

but what did I do?

You just tell her
you're sorry.

What did I do?

You did something stupid.

So tell her you're sorry.

Now I know why people
get annoyed with me.

It's hard to talk to us.

Hey, you know, I can't
believe she asked Nick

for your number and then...

Yeah, yeah, you know what, man?

We-We're perfect together.

It's like I finally found
my lady bear.

See, I felt like we
had a connection, too.

You know, I don't know if you
ever get that feeling like,

I don't know, like maybe
I could marry this woman.

Oh, God.

Is there a woman in that bathroom

being harmed?

No.

I don't buy it.
Get out of the way.

I was trained for this.

Now you're gonna get
the Bearcl...

Jess?

Hi, Bearclaw.

I thought you were sick.

I'm feeling better.

Why are you... if you're sick,

why are nothing
but your breasts covered, Jess?

Are you a doctor, is that why?

Are you a doc... is he a doctor?

- Do you know these guys, Katie?
- Who's Katie?

What is going on in... Jess?

- No, Nick.
- I... Katie?

What is happening?!

Liar! You...

Liar!

I'm sorry, Bearclaw,
but I meant Nick

to give my number to Andy.

Silver lining, you have
a huge fan in Nick.

She's not good enough
for you, Bearclaw.

None of these people
are good enough for you.

And, Sam, I'm sorry I stole you

from real Katie,
but ugh, look at you.

- He's so handsome.
- Very handsome.

I'm only human.

You know what, Bearclaw?

I would have take you
to the bathroom,

- big guy.
- He would've.

You guys are terrible people.

- I want to die.
- Hey, hold on a second.

Everyone just calm down.
Are you really a dancer?

- Are you an idiot, Sam?
- Yes!

Did I tell a lie? I did.

But in my defense,

I'm off the grid.

We're all off the grid.
Hey, hey,

we are all off the grid.

Every single one of us,
especially you, handsome.

- I loved you!
- I think that's

a little bit of an exaggeration.

You're gonna tell him
how he feels after everything

- you've just done?
- Why don't you shut up, Andy?

- Yeah, shut up, Andy.
- What is this, recess? Come on.

Shut up. - Shut up.
Shut up, Andy!

Nick.

It's time.

Good-bye.

No, no, Nick.

Old Nick, don't go!

Nick!

Nick, wait.

Please.

There's so much more
I need to ask you.

I got to get back.

Why do I need
to apologize to Jess?

What did I do wrong?

Make her an old-fashioned.

Beep, beep, beep.
Beep, beep, beep.

Beep, boop,
ba, ba, ba, ba, ba.

Beep, beep, boop, beep,
ba, ba, ba, beep.

Beep, beep, boop, boop, boo.

I believed you.

Olde England.

Have a good trip, man.

- When I was a kid,
- Yeah.

Watching MTV,

I thought that if I
played my cards right,

I could grow up to
be Jenny McCarthy.

Jenny McCarthy? You?

Don't make that face.

She was so beautiful

with all that swearing,
but you know what?

I'm not Jenny McCarthy.

I know that now.

- I'm back on the grid, Nick.
- You know,

I always wanted
to be Kurt Loder.

Kurt Loder? He
never even went to

the Spring Break House.
He was stuck in New York, talking to Pearl Jam.

He is the elder statesman
of our generation.

Why are you making me a drink?
You never bring work home.

All right, this is gonna
sound really weird,

but in the future I might
do something really bad to you,

and I hope you'll forgive me.

Do you like old-fashioneds,
Jess?

I've actually always
wanted to try one.

How did you know?

What are you gonna do to me?

I don't know.

But it could be bad.

Like me getting drunk
and peeing in your closet

on all your pretty dresses.

I forgive you.

Imagine all that pee
on your pretty dresses, Jess.

I still forgive you.

Hey.

Sam, hi.

Katie?

Not Katie.

Yeah, uh, I'm sorry to come
over here unannounced.

I didn't... I just
wanted to tell you

that I don't... I don't
care that you lied to me.

I lied, too. Half my
profile is a lie.

I am not a shy food blogger

who wants a destination
wedding in Scotland, okay?

I don't open up the
more you get to know me.

I mean, I, you
know, Internet date

so I don't have to sleep
with people I work with.

I do like Creed, though.

I hate Creed.

I don't care what you like

or what your name is,

or... anything about you.

And the good news
is you don't have

to care about me either.

And we can still tear
each other apart.

What do you think?

You know what?

I'm gonna say yes, I think.

Yeah, let's do this.

Um...

Do we start now or later

or now?

Congratulations.
I see you've met the one.

Watch out for the wall.

# #

# Yeah, that's right, this cut #

# Goes out to all y'all
that's been #

# Missing us for mad years,
one love, yo #

# Yeah, that's right,
he's got game #

# PE, 1998.
It might feel good #

# It might sound
a little something #

# But damn the game
if it don't mean nothing... #

You ready, ma?

'Cause I'm about
to dribble this hard

all the way to the hole.

Come on, Schmidty.

All right, let's do this.
Come on, ma.