New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 24 - See Ya - full transcript

- Here you guys go. Some cookies.
- Wow.

Okay, great. Um,

as you guys know, I'm moving in

with Caroline,
and I'm glad we can

talk about this like adults.

Caroline is, uh,
quite the baker.

Anything else, anyone?

You're making a huge,

life-ruining mistake
by moving in

with a woman who turned you

into an agoraphobic,



turtle-faced,
borderline alcoholic.

I'm going to start over,

'cause this did not go
the way I had planned.

As you guys know, I'm leaving,
so there are some things

- we need to work out.
- Yeah, like, what am I going to do

with all that extra money I have
now that I don't

- have to cover for you any more?
- Okay.

- Maybe I'll buy a city.
- Oh, and you can open a mall

- And call it Winston's Corners.
- What are you guys doing?

You're just sitting here
and letting this happen?

What else are we going to do?

The guy obviously
knows what he wants.

- I do.
- When Nick leaves,

I'm going to call a plumber
and just



throw cash at him
while he works.

Fitties and hunnits,
hunnits, hunnits.

Look, while you're at it, can
you please call an exterminator

so we can get rid
of that crime against nature?

Yeah, he's not fooling anyone.

You think, just 'cause he's

a snappy dresser,
the mice don't see the hammer?

Mice come
from all over the building

to laugh at that dummy witch.

Is this a freaking carob chip?

What, are you trying
to buy our love

with hippie chocolate?

You idiot.

Aren't you going to
miss this, Nick?

Winston, can you take me
to the doctor tomorrow?

- He's taking the bandages off.
- Wow.

The old Washington Monument.

Ready to serve this
great nation once again.

- Can you stop?
- What?

It's time to make this
horse into a unicorn.

Can we save this talk
until after we're done

interviewing Neil here
to take Nick's room?

Hey, don't worry about me.

I could talk about my dingus
all night long.

Neil, tell us about yourself--
you know, uh, anything

we should know,
aside from the fact

that you responded
to our Craigslist ad with a fax?

Well, um, yeah, my name is Neil.

Um, just coming out
of a pretty hairy divorce.

I am in human resources.

Well, I used to be.

I had the unique, uh, experience

of having to let myself go.

- I did not take it well.
- Let me ask you a question.

I would love for you to save
your questions till the end.

Are you going to be
a wuss about things

- like crabs and bedbugs?
- Like, crabs from Maine?

I hope you like feminist rants,
'cause that's kind of my thing.

Neil, she's just saying this
to scare you.

What are you...

- What are you doing?
- Shut up.

I'm a cutter.

Neil, uh, I want you
to give us a minute, okay?

I got to go talk
to my roommates

- in the bathroom. Guys?
- Okay. Yeah.

You're acting insane.

I'm acting insane?
That guy's insane.

Look, Jess, when you moved in,
we all had to roll with it.

To be fair, you do some
pretty weird stuff.

You know, I still can't
get used to the way

you let us know
when you're using the toilet.

I'm good with Neil.

- I am, too.
- What are you guys doing?

Nick's leaving.

You're his friends.

Aren't you going to fight
for him to stay?

You're in.

Ah, yes! Okay.

And get ready for songs,

'cause I am kind of
a troubadour.

This is happening, Nick.
This is happening.

Whoa, whoa! Why you
taking back your lamp?

I think you just answered that

when you called it my lamp.

No, man.
Squatters' rights.

What's wrong?
You still afraid of the dark?

What? No. Dude.

'Cause, if you are,

I'll leave this behind.

Nick, first of all,
I'm not afraid of the dark.

But if I were afraid
of the dark,

that would be a
totally rational,

adaptive evolutionary response.

- Good night, Winston.
- That's ridiculous.

I'm not afraid of the dark.

Good night, sweetheart.

Unless the monsters get you.

Hey.

You came.

Whoa.

What you got in there?

It's a hard cast.

Yeah, things didn't go

quite like we had hoped
at the doctor.

Yeah, so I told the guy
I had never been snowmobiling

in my life, you know, and...

Oh, God!

That's not my penis.

But look, on the bright side,

it is impossible for me
to get aroused in this thing.

Here, watch--
say something hot to me.

Fresh-pressed linens.

Nope, nothing.

Not an inch.

- Like a swaddled baby.
- Hey, Cece.

- They're ready for us.
- Oh, okay.

Just hang out, okay?
Have fun.

That's right. Ride that missile.

Grip it. Yeah.

You've got a whole
tank full of jet fuel.

You're heading
straight for the sun.

What the hell war is this?

- All right, turn around and face him.
- Am-am I...

Am I supposed
to want to buy a missile?

I don't understand.

Just pounding the drum of war.

What-what, did no one
listen to Eisenhower?

All right,
so that's everything.

I took my fair share
of rubber bands,

so I don't want
to hear about it.

In my room,
you will find a shoe box.

In that box,
there is a guinea pig

that I said I would bury,

- so please deal with it.
- There's a corpse in your room?

All right, guys, well,
thanks for helping me move.

What are we standing
in a circle for,

like a bunch
of weirdos? Let's go.

Hey, Nick?

Yeah.

Why are you rushing this?

You have so much time.

Why not just...

take a second and
think about this?

I feel confident.

I-I couldn't be
more confident, Jess.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

- Are you?
- Yes.

Are you really?

Thanks for helping me move.

I love the way he smelled.

Caroline and I are starting
a whole new life together.

Right now, we're
trying to decide

between eggshell and
soft mint for the walls.

My gut says that eggshell
is trying too hard,

but soft mint is really
tricky to match.

Have I told you guys about the
bay windows I'm going to have?

- Yes, you have.
- Yeah, you just did.

They are stunning, right?

I'm going to curl up
in those like a damn cat.

- That's the place.
- That's-that's the place right there?

Right there, yeah.

Aren't you going to stop?

Yeah, seems like I should.

Um, hey-hey, Nick.

- Yeah.
- What are you doing?

- I'm freaking out! Yeah!
- What are you...?

Oh, no.

Oh, Nick Miller's
freaking out again!

Whoop-de-whoo.

What's new?

Come on!

What the hell?
You think he's okay, man?

Oh, no, no, no,
he's totally fine.

We do this every day.

We just never invite
you, Winston.

What have I done?!

Hey, Nick, I'm pretty sure

you overshot the apartment
by like 140 miles!

Let's just hop
back in the truck,

turn around and go home.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- This is crazy that I drove out here.
- Yeah, it is.

Give me the keys.
I'll drive you back to Caroline.

Caroline... no!

Well, that was unexpected.

♪ I like to move in, move in,
I like to move in, move in ♪

♪ I like to ♪

♪ Move in. ♪

I like it quiet, quiet.

Okay, I rode up

in the elevator with that guy,

and something growled
in that box.

I hope he has a pet.
That would cheer me up.

Um, is Schmidt here?

No, he's helping Nick
move-- but, uh, Neil is.

Do you want to do a
sex-only thing with him?

He came by my shoot earlier
and was so jealous.

He was freaking out
the entire time.

Oh.

It's him, so...

Hi, Schmidt.

How's it going?

How's the new apartment?

Does it smell like, uh,
new paint and compromise?

What?

Where?

- There's not much sunlight left.
- What are you

- afraid of, the dark?
- No, I'm not afraid of the dark.

Worried about Schmidt.
He's a Jew in the desert.

I don't want him to wander.

That's Caroline.
Now, what do I tell her?

Tell her there's
freaking fire ants everywhere.

Give me a sec.

Hey.

Nick, where are you?

In the desert.

The what?

Yeah, I kind of...

I kind of freaked out.

Look, I know it's a lot.

Just get back here

as soon as you can,
and we'll...

we'll figure it out.

Really?

I love you.

I love you, too.

Think I overreacted
by throwing my keys earlier.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. I don't know why

I ever doubted Caroline.
She's the best.

So, why the hell would you throw
your damn keys away?!

I deserve this.

- I'm going to kill you!
- Hey, Winston, no.

- The sun is going down!
- All right, all right.

- Calm down. Nick!
- I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

Enough!

Would you stop it?
There's violence everywhere!

Why are we fighting?
Why are we fighting?

Oh, good.

Oh, thank God.

Hey, Jess!

What took you so long?

Let me tell you something--
you never want

to lose a race
against the night.

Nice new place, Nick.

- It's very spacious.
- Yes, I'm an idiot, Jess.

- Really nice.
- Hey.

That's for you.

What happened at the shoot?

You... you kind of left

before I had a chance
to say good-bye.

Good stuff, sure.

It was hard to tell
where you stopped

and Goggles McHardBody began.

That's my job.

Gino is just some guy
that I see around the office,

except for, in my office,
they rub us down

- with baby oil before we start.
- Yeah, I-I get that.

Look, your business
is selling sex.

Sure, you're a sex worker.

You're an idiot.

If we leave right now,

I can get back
to Caroline by 8:00.

Caroline?

Yeah, I-I changed my mind.
Gonna move in.

Yeah, and I actually don't
even care about this truck.

I'll come back
and get it tomorrow.

I say we just leave now,

- get out of the desert.
- Sounds good.

- Sounds good.
- Here's my question.

- What's that?
- How are you going to get there?

Uh, I think you're
going to drive me.

- Oh, I don't think so.
- Wait. What?

- Then why'd you come out to the desert?
- What?!

- What? What are you doing?
- Jess.

- Jess!
- No!

Come on!

People, just please
listen to me.

Stop throwing your damn keys!

The werewolves
come out at night, man.

I don't want nobody to eat me!

- I got big thighs. I got a fat ass.
- Relax.

We are in the middle
of the desert, and nobody

- is going to find our bodies!
- Come here.

- What?
- You're having a nervous breakdown.

You're having a nervous breakdown.

The tow truck can't come
until tomorrow.

Aren't you glad
I stole all this beer?

- Hello. Look what I found.
- Don't. Put that away.

- No, I have to hear it.
- I-I'm begging you

to put that away.
It's humiliating.

I made that when I was 14.

Nick, I have to hear this.

- This next song
- Turn it up. No, please...

Goes out to a very special girl,
Gwen Bressler.

I know you like breakfast,
but how do you feel about...

- "Breakfast at Tiffany's"?
- "Breakfast at Tiffany's."

Oh, that is a terrible song.

This is a great song.

You guys are crazy.
Listen to the lyrics.

Oh, man.
I feel it in my body.

Oh...

Are you kidding me?
This is in my bones.

♪ I said, "What about
Breakfast at Tiffany's"? ♪

- No!
- ♪ Something, something ♪

♪ Da da-da da-ta ♪

Gwen, you don't even

know my name, do you?

"How Bizarre."

Oh, yes, this is where Nick
got cool again.

Oh, not you, too.

God, I'm like, I'm back.

Thank you for doing
this, actually.

Make fun of me all you want.

I'm back!
I'm back!

Thank you for doing this.

♪ In the hot, hot sun ♪

♪ Suddenly, red-blue lights
flash us from behind ♪

♪ Loud voice booming... ♪

I'm gonna miss this, you guys.

Just all of us, together,

making fun of Nick.

Okay.

All right, I did it.

I'm an idiot.

I see what you guys are doing.

I get it.

You're trying to force me
to remember how great it is

when we're all hanging out
so I don't want to leave.

- We're just having fun.
- I get it.

You guys think I'm dumb
and I make bad decisions,

- but this isn't that.
- No.

What? Come on.

You're being crazy.
Where are you going?

- To get my keys.
- Dude, where you going?

You're never gonna
find your keys.

What's wrong with you?

You're stress-eating meat.

Hey, Jess.

How many have you had?

Like, three.

That's a lot of pig parts.

It's just Cece.

I thought it was going
so well between you guys.

Yeah.

You know, she's a good egg.

She's never gonna be happy
with somebody like me, Jess.

What? That's crazy.

That's why I'm gonna
have to White Fang her.

Schmidt, come on!

Look, I try not to
judge what you guys do,

but please don't tell
me things like that.

No, no, Jess, Jess.

The book: White Fang.

- Oh.
- This guy

Befriends a wild creature.

But he must, he must
set the animal free

because that's
what's best for it.

I know the plot of White Fang.

But the animal won't go.

So with a breaking heart,

he throws stones at it
until it runs away.

You-you want
Cece to go away?

No.

I want her to be happy.

'Cause when-when you care
about somebody,

you do what's-what's best
for them.

Even if it sucks for you.

Even if they're just a "woof."

A wolf?

- A "woof."
- A wolf.

Yeah, that's what I said,
a "woof."

A wolf.

A "woof."

Come on, keys.

Hey, Nick?

Come on, they could be anywhere.

Let's come back in the morning.

I don't want to come back
in the morning, Jess.

Okay, I want to be

in my new bed,
in my new apartment,

with my new old girlfriend.

Okay, just-- look,
I know I've been--

What?

Oh, my God.

Shh-shh. Shh.

Oh, my God.

Okay, just be cool.

What do we do?
What do we do?

I don't know, I don't
know what to do!

Okay, but, Jess, we
have to do something!

Shh.

Meep-meep!

- What are you doing?
- Like the Road Runner.

I know it's like
the Road Runner.

Why would you
do the Road Runner?

- Because he's...
- Don't do that, Jess.

- Meep-meep!
- Jess, honestly,

Don't do the Road Runner
to a coyote!

That's how you
deal with coyotes.

Coyotes hate roadrunners!

That's how you deal with them.

Coyotes want to
kill roadrunners!

Meep-meep!

Oh, you...

No disrespect.

It's watching us.
It's watching us.

We need to talk.

All right.

This is not another
one of those

"merlot is the whore of the
vineyard" talks, is it?

This isn't working out.

Are you kidding... right now?

Are you trying
to end this with me?

Now go on!

You heard me!

Go on!

Go on, scram!

Go!

I hate you! Go!

Go back to your kind!

Are you White Fanging me?

Sorry, what?

White Fang, Schmidt.

The only book on your Kindle.

The one that you wouldn't
stop talking about.

Remember, I said, "Please,"

stop talking about White Fang."

And you said, "Someday,
I'm gonna do this to somebody."

That White Fang. Uh-huh.

Why are you trying
to push me away?

I saw your phone, Cece.

I saw the text message
from Gino.

Your colleague.

You went through my phone?

What? No.

Winston... Winston
went through your phone.

That is not okay.

This is about trust,
Schmidt, okay?

It's about trust.

And I told you how
this was gonna be,

and I asked you to
get okay with it.

How am I supposed
to trust you, Cece?

You slept with me.

I mean, that doesn't say much
about your taste in men.

And I have more than one book
on my Kindle.

And a subscription to Cricket.

And a lot of PDFs!

Doesn't he have
somewhere to be?

Well, this is a disaster.

Why did you keep driving?

I don't want to talk
to you about this, Jess.

I know what you're gonna say,
and I don't want to hear it.

No.

No, you don't know
what I'm gonna say.

I want you to be happy.

And if that means
moving in with Caroline,

then I think you should do it.

That's what you think?

I think you need me too much.

No, I'm gonna be fine. I am.

I don't think so.

- You know why?
- Why?

'Cause I met you.

That's why I'm okay.

That's why

I can do this.

What are you doing?

To beat the coyote,
you have to be the coyote.

That's what I thought
you were gonna say.

That's a very dumb idea.
Don't do this.

I'm not with her on this.

This is her move, not mine, sir.

No.

- Oh, my God.
- I did it!

Oh, my God.

I did it! I have so much dirt
in my mouth, and I did it!

- Come here, come here.
- I did it!

Nice job!

I did it!

Oh, my God. Schmidt?

Hello?

Winston?

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, my goodness!

- Oh... my goodness!
- He'll be fine.

I don't know.

You guys want
some candy or something?

Found it in the truck.

No.

I don't want your dirty lolly.

Guys!

- Ah!
- Whoo!

I survived, man.

I made it out alive.

- Wait, wait, don't touch me.
- Don't touch...

There's, uh,
there's pee everywhere.

Like... everywhere.

It's everywhere?

Well, I didn't just pee on me.

I peed-- well, I peed on me,

but other-other things
peed on me, too.

I saw things, man.

I had an experience.

I think I made out with
the side of a dune.

Hey!

Look, I found my keys!

Ah! Thank God!

We still on for brunch?

Gonna come help me
unload my stuff tomorrow?

No, not a chance.

No, yeah, so we can't do brunch.

Just go.

Get in the car.

Unacceptable.

Good luck.

Well...

Well...

All right, I'll see you.

See ya.

Wow.

Look how pronounced
Nick's couch hole got.

All this time

I thought he was
just sitting here

drinking beer and complaining,

he was making something.

Hey.

What do you think?

Hey, WNICK listeners,

this one is going out
to all the ladies

I'm gonna meet when I grow up.

Not.

Hey.

Welcome back, you clown.

♪ She was a fast machine,
she kept her motor clean ♪

♪ She was the best damn woman
that I ever seen ♪

♪ She had the sightless eyes,
telling me no lies ♪

♪ Knocking me out
with those American thighs ♪

♪ Taking more than her share,
had me fighting for air ♪

♪ She told me to come,
but I was already there ♪

♪ 'Cause the walls
start shaking ♪

♪ The earth was quaking,
my mind was aching ♪

Nick, turn it off!

♪ And we were making it ♪

♪ And you shook me
all night long ♪

♪ Yeah, you shook me ♪

♪ Yeah, you shook me ♪

♪ All night long. ♪