New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 23 - Backslide - full transcript

# I wish I had a river #

# I could skate away on #

Hey, Jess.

I brought you some tea.

Just gonna leave it
right here, okay?

There you go.

So, Russell...

Ouch.

Right? I mean, who
saw that coming?

Not me.

Certainly not Russell.



I guess, I guess
you saw it coming.

I mean, 'cause you're
the one who broke up with him.

- Leave, Schmidt.
- All right, fine.

I'll leave. But
you know what?

you're not the
only one that's hurting here,

Jessica Day.
The economy stinks,

bees are dying, movies are
pretty much all sequels now,

- and I... have a broken penis.
- Don't say "broken penis."

Don't pretend to know my pain.

Hey, Jess.

- Hi.
- What's this song called?

- "The River."
- Hmm.

- Do you like it?
- Yeah, yeah, I liked the way

you played it for the first time
at 10:00 last night.



I liked it a little bit less
at 2:00 a.m.

And now I'm kind of hoping that

the sun comes up,
thaws that river

and that woman drowns.

Get out!

Russell was perfect.

What's wrong with me?

Am I self-sabotaging?

Am I secretly a Cylon?

You just didn't love him.

But what if it's me?

What if I have some idea
of love in my head

and it's just totally wrong?

Do not second-guess
yourself, okay?

It was a tough choice,
but it was the right choice.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

So what do you think
about turning off that song?

- I just feel like I should...
- Off. Turn it off.

Ow.

# It's coming on Christmas... #

- Oh, my God, she's dead!
- Oh, no, no, come on!

80 more times!
I get it now! It's a river!

All right, now let's
go and get a drink,

because you really need
to get out of this room.

I'm not ready.

Turn that song back on!

Caroline and I made up
a dance routine to cheer you up.

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, well, I'm gonna dance,

- and Nick's gonna clap.
- Okay. I'll just clap.

You about ready now?

- Yeah, I'm ready now.
- Yeah, let's go.

Uh, feel it.
Uh, uh.

Get it, Caroline!
Get it, Caroline!

Born to dance.

Dance the bump.

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

1x23
- Backslide -

I'm gonna end up alone.

I'm gonna be a single old lady

flashing people on the subway.

Jess, first of all,
you're never gonna be old,

because humans--
we're gonna be immortal by 2026.

And second of all,
give me your phone.

Why?

Do you want to drunkenly call

Russell tonight and tell him
what a huge mistake you made?

- You don't want to backslide, trust me.
- Be quiet.

Your life is
too perfect to talk to

anyone in Jess's condition
right now.

Look, Jess, backsliding is

what happens
after a clean break.

When you, when you freak out
and you go crawling back

and you just make everything
messy and horrible.

- I'm not gonna do that.
- You have backslider

written all over you.

Did I tell you
guys that my boss

invited me to play poker
with him tonight?

Crazy thing, he never invites
anybody to play poker with him.

I mean, come on, I'm in
the prime of my life, baby.

- Winston, shut up!
- Shut up!

Schmidt, I actually

- need my phone back.
- No.

I need to call Russell to just

tell him I left
my pajamas there.

The fact that you were
wearing pajamas

in the presence of your lover
tells me that that relationship

was doomed from the start.
No way.

Disgusting.

Don't fake me--
don't fake me out.

Are you guys playing a game?

No. No. Just chillin'.

Hey, good-lookin'.

- Hey.
- What can I get you?

How about one of those
Nick Miller Manhattans?

Ah, straight bourbon
in a plastic cup.

Come with me.

Think we should
show him the DVD?

What DVD?

Nick made a DVD after the last
time Caroline broke up with him.

It's all the reasons why they
shouldn't get back together.

We hid it somewhere in the loft.

Ooh. Intrigue.

- Mama like.
- I don't know that we should...

Cece's here.

Why is she dressed like
a women's studies major?

It's precautionary.

Just until my junk heals.

Ow. Owie.

Damn it.

You okay?

No, I'm not okay.

What is going on, Jess?

I was just thinking
about this word

that I learned from Schmidt.

Backsliding.

Oh, so you're saying
I'm a backslider.

I don't know what we're supposed
to do together any more.

Everything seems
to turn you on.

Oh, look, Cece, a bird.
Ow. Ah, damn it!

Schmidt, it's a mother bird
in her nest!

Must I say it, Cece?

What?

- Eggs.
- Okay.

Okay, sure, look, did Caroline

physically, mentally and
emotionally abuse me for years?

Yes!

But she changed.

It's about timing.

And the first time around,
we weren't ready to work at it,

and now we are.

And besides,

Caroline is way hotter than

that voice in my head,
who sounds like Tom Waits

and tells me I'm a failure
and that I look bad in hats.

I don't want to spend
my whole life with him.

You know what I mean?

Okay.

At least you'll get
a break from me tomorrow.

I've got to go visit my dadi.

What?

It's my grandmother.

- Oh, your bubbe?
- Yes, my...

Oh, I have a bubbe.

- Uh, my bubbe is in a home.
- Yeah.

Old people freak me out.

With their hands
and their legs.

Just, they're like the human
version of pleated pants.

- Really?
- Not for me.

- Hey, Schmidt.
- Hey.

Can I borrow your jacket?

- Yeah, sure.
- Thanks.

Like, aren't into old people?

Not at all.

I mean, just-just horr...

like giant walking raisins.

They're in a home...

It's me.

I've been thinking
a lot about you.

Jess.

Hmm?

I can't feel my arm.

Oh.

Whoa.

I really can't feel it at all.

Wake up, fella.

You're gonna be late for school.

Genzlinger.

What is that?

It's an earring, man.
What does it look like?

Got kind of wasted
last night with Joe,

and so, you know,
I got my ear pierced.

This is the perfect moment.

Wait, I'm gonna do it.
I'm gonna do it.

- Wait, what?
- I'm gonna do.

See, this is when
it gets weird between us.

One, two, three.

You know,
traditionally, the male

of the species is
more glamorous.

When's it coming out,
by the way?

- The earring? - No, no, the smooth
jazz album you're dropping.

Hey, guys. You
remember, um, Paul.

Mercedes-Genz!

Genzel Washington.

It's the Genz of the world
as we know it.

All right, everybody, put down
your Genz and your Genzils.

Hey, Schmidt.
What's up, Washington?

- Um hey.
- Hey.

- So maybe--
- Okay.

- We definitely--
- Oh yeah, that sounds...

Okay.

Okay.

- Okay
- All right.

- Backslider!
- Don't.

- You backslid.
- Come on.

You backslid all the way

down the hill and back
into the parking lot.

Take off your skis and wait

for your family in the lodge,
Jessica Day.

Look, I think
this could be good.

Paul and I had
really bad timing before,

and maybe I should just
give it another shot.

Such an ugly crier.

He is the all-time worst crier.

It's like
he's a slow-motion sneeze.

Winston,

what is in your ear?

It's hot and I love it.

Does that feed information

back to Shelby to keep track
of your migration patterns?

- Drop it.
- Please, Jess.

He just got back from Carnival.

Know what?

These people are disgusting.

I've never been more
flaccid in my life.

Thank God.

I mean, this place

is a cardigan gold mine.

Can I get you anything, Dadi?

A hot-blooded man

and a hotel room would be nice.

Oh, just get me a puzzle.

Yeah?

I raised that girl.

She is my life.

And she's not
as tough as she looks.

If you hurt her,

I will let myself die
and then I will haunt you.

Whoa, look at this fireplace.

It's huge.

Caroline, that is not a
fireplace, that is, like,

a room you could
safely set on fire.

Yeah, this is really nice.

- It is.
- So grown up.

But where's all your stuff
gonna go?

Like, where will
the Grateful Dead bears dance?

Oh, I didn't realize
I lived here, too.

Seriously though, what do
you think about moving in?

Wait, you want to
move in together?

Yeah, I mean, I feel like
if we're gonna do this again,

we should do it
for real this time, you know?

Right.

I mean, I'm 33 years old.

You're 30 years old; we're the
same age, you knucklehead.

No, I lied about that.
I'm 33.

I don't want to start
at the beginning again with you.

I mean, you're not...
not making sense.

Knock-knock.

Hi.

Hi back.

- Um...
- Hey...

- I want to tell you...
- I have something to tell you.

- Oh, sorry, you go first.
- Oh, I'll go first.

Um, I was thinking
a lot about, um...

you and last night.

Right.

And we have something good.

Jess, I have a girlfriend.

- What?
- Yeah.

Very serious girlfriend.

Oh, my God.

Why didn't you tell me?

When you called me
last night, we had just gotten

into this huge fight,
and I was really confused.

You cheating on her with me?

Is that bad?
That's bad.

It's really bad.

Oh, no, that's really bad.

Why would you do that?!

Now I know what Bill Clinton
feels like.

Now I know
how Monica Lewinsky feels!

I'm sorry I made you
feel like Monica Lewinsky.

Stop crying!

You are literally

the ugliest crier
I have ever seen!

You cry smile.

Hey, babe, I'm here for lunch.

- Oh!
- Oh.

Oh, no, are you crying?

Is everything okay?

There's-there's...

I'm sorry to have to
break it to you,

but that is the way

the electoral college works,
man.

It-it seems so unfair.

So votes don't mean as much.

It upsets me, too.

I'm gonna miss you, Winston.

- What do you mean?
- I'm gonna miss you

when your caravan moves on
to the next village.

Oh, my God!

He has a girlfriend!

He cheated on his girlfriend

with me.

I'm a cheater.

P. Genz played you?

I saw her.

She looks like an Asian me.

Asian Jess. Wo-- Ow.

I can't even backslide right.

I've been her.

I've been Asian me before.

Are you gonna keep calling her
"Asian me,"

because it's becoming
a problem for me.

I don't know her name, Schmidt.

But I do know
that if I were her,

I would want to know what kind
of person I was dating.

And that's why
I have to tell her.

- What? No, don't do that.
- Please don't do that.

Mm-mm. Sometimes, when
you make a mistake,

all you can do is own up to it,
all right?

Because it's something
you can't fix.

Knowledge.

Take it easy,
black George Michael.

I have to do it.

I have to tell her.

61 years we've been together.

14 presidents

and four different Batmen.

Why don't we go for a walk?

I'm just gonna go get
your sweater.

- I'll be back in a second.
- Oh, thanks, sweetie.

- Give me one second.
- Wow,

so you guys are like
real live Yodas, huh?

Can I ask you a question?

- Yeah.
- Shoot, cowboy.

How do you build a relationship?

How 'bout Viagra?

I use it just to keep
from falling out of bed.

How does a guy like me
have a chance

at making someone
like Cece happy?

You don't. Not with all those
moles on your face.

- I should just give up, huh?
- That's crazy!

She needs you!

You are exactly what she needs.

Here's your sweater, Dadi.

Oh, thank you.

Um, I'll meet you out there
in a second, okay?

Okay.

Take it easy, Burt.

You know, for the first
time in my life

I actually feel like I want
something that lasts.

And I want it with you.

I feel... the same way.

You do?

Oh!

- It hurts so bad, because...
- What's turning you on?

- Oh...
- The queen of diamonds?

- The bow?
- Oh, my God.

The teeth in the glass?

I care about you so much.

- The leaf painting?
- But...

Is emotional intimacy
turning you on?

Are you in that much pain?

Uh, he passed out.

We need help!

Yo. What's up, man?

- How'd the audition go?
- What?

- For the Disney pirate movie?
- Ha-ha.

Hey, Mr. T called.

He wants to punch you because
that earring looks stupid.

I mean, Lil' Wayne
wears it, so...

Oh, Little Wayne Gonzales
from Brazil?

Who came to the United States
to dance and be free!

You can't touch me, baby.
I'm in the prime of my life.

Tell me, what are you doing?
What you been doing all day?

Oh, I'm actually looking for
an apartment. It's for Caroline.

She's looking for a new
apartment, and she asked me if

I wanted to move in with her,
and I'm thinking about it.

Cool! Cool, cool,
sounds like so much fun.

I'm really glad that's your
reaction, because I thought

you were going to tell me
I was making a huge mistake.

Honestly, I didn't
want to hear that.

Wouldn't do that,
that'd be silly.

What are you doing? Huh? What?

No, Nick...
No, no, no! No!

Nick. Nick. Nick, Nick!
Nick! Don't!

It's for your own good.

- Get out of there!
- What are you...? No, Schmidt!

Grab him!
Okay, grab him.

You got him?

- Watch the television.
- You got him?

Watch it. Watch it.

Watch the television.
Watch the TV...

All right, all right,
watch the TV.

- Hello, Nick...
- No!

In all its glory, watch it.

- You magnificent dumb-ass.
- Come on.

If you're watching this,

it's because you decided
to get back with Caroline.

Yes, Nick. I did.

Well, congratulations,
you idiot.

- She destroyed you.
- You don't know me, you jerk!

These, my dumb friend,
are your tears.

- And you saved them all.
- I got him, I got him.

Think back, Nick, Stay still.

Or whatever they call you
in your time.

Who dumped you three times?

Once before you had to speak
at your brother's wedding.

Well, he's divorced now,
so I'll get another shot.

- This is a poem you wrote about Caroline...
- I don't want the poem.

- I don't want the poem.
- You're getting the poem.

But you're too emotional
to read it right now.

You're going to give it
to Schmidt for safekeeping.

This is your doing, Caroline.

You were right to
have trusted me.

Two years I held this thing.

- Read it.
Here they come.

Okay.

"Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?

No, a summer's day
is not a bitch."

Really, Nick?

That's how you want
to talk about Caroline?

I can't move, my
earring is stuck.

But there's something
I want to do to you, then.

Don't move, don't move.
Don't move, Nick, don't move!

Let's have a conversation like men!
Let's act like men, Nick! Ah!

You want to act like men,
let's act like men.

Look at how far
you've come, Nick.

- Want to be a bartender forever, pal?
- I'm still a bartender.

You want to be a grown man

who dresses like an unsponsored
professional skateboarder?

You don't want to live like
this. You're moving on.

I'm here to tell you
you're doing the right thing,

so just keep going.

Can I talk to you Nick-to-Nick
for a second?

I respect you, man.
You're rocking the hell

out of that beard,
and the long hair looks good,

despite what other people
are gonna say.

Look, the Caroline
that broke your heart,

I get why you don't like her.

But it's a different Caroline
that's picking me up

in five minutes, Nick.

Do you want me to live alone
in this loft

for the rest of my life?

Hey, what's the difference
between me and Bill Cosby?

Well, thanks, guys. You helped
me figure something out.

All right, well, look,

I think this was a really
nice talk, Future Nick.

I hope you got something from
it, 'cause I know that I did.

I'm gonna call her.

- I have to call..
- No! Damn it, give me the phone.

- Please get out of here, I have to call...
Coach! He's calling her again.

- We lost him.
- We sure did, Captain Black Sparrow.

- Hey, Paul.
- Hey.

I'm not going to let you
lie to your girlfriend.

Okay? It's not fair to her.

So you have to tell her
what happened between us.

Or I will.

All right.
You're right.

- I have to tell her.
- Yeah.

I'm so scared, though.
I don't want to lose her, Jess.

She's my soul mate.

For someone with a soul mate,
you sure did have sex with me.

I know. I know, and I don't
expect you to believe me--

I wouldn't believe me
if I were you--

but check it out.

I even bought her
an engagement ring.

Oh...

That's... that's
really beautiful.

I've been carrying it around
in my pocket for two weeks,

trying to find the right way
to propose to her.

And I just started panicking,
and I got...

I don't know, I got scared,
and-and-and really confused,

and I'm so sorry
to drag you into this,

but this was the biggest
mistake of my life.

God, Paul, don't make me
feel sorry for you.

I know. I messed up.

Big-time.

And I'm going to lose her.

Oh, God, I can't lose her!

Hey, babe, you left
your tuner in my car.

Oh. Hi!
You're Jess, right?

I'm Jenn.

Jenn.

Well, I was just leaving.

- Jess and I slept together.
- Oh, God.

- What? - I want to be
completely honest with you.

It happened two days ago,
and we did lots of stuff.

There was talking,
and there were hands,

- and I think we ruined a throw pillow.
- He's making it sound

a lot more erotic than it was.

It was just, like,
lying there and... blah.

I am so sorry.

I'm... I'm begging you
to forgive me.

I thought you loved me.

I'm so sorry.

I'm an idiot!

- I'm an idiot, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, my God. No...

Yeah, I'm such an idiot.

Good-bye, Paul.

Oh, no.
Wait. Wait. Jenn?

Haven't you done enough?

Yeah, I have.
I have done enough, but...

I know how you feel.

I've been there.
I've been cheated on before,

and it feels like someone

dropped an anvil on your heart.

Um, but...

That guy wasn't right for me.

You guys...

You guys are perfect together.

I thought you were Asian me,

but now I realize
I'm just Caucasian you.

- What?
- What?

Paul was scared.

And when you're scared,

you do stupid things.

He made a really
terrible mistake.

Really terrible.

The things that we did
48 hours ago were so dark...

- I'm handling this.
- Sorry.

Jenn...

you love Paul.

I know that

because you're still
standing here.

What you guys have...

it's way bigger than me.

And I think...

I think Paul has something
to ask you.

I know this is not
the right time to do this,

in fact, this is
a terrible time to do this,

but I don't care.

I want to spend the rest
of my life with you,

Jennifer Ruth Toyogi.

- I know that now more than ever.
- Now that you slept with her.

Happy to help.
Uh-huh.

If... if you still love me,
at all...

Of course I still do. I...

Oh, yeah.

Um...

Ooh...

Will you... will you...

will you, will you marry him?

Yeah.

- Is that a "yes"?
- Yes.

So you and Cece are staying
away from each other.

Only until my penis
stops looking

like a knotted wizard's staff.

- That sounds tough, man.
- Guys like us--

Nick, too--
we're warriors.

We just keep on fighting,
and holding on,

even when we know we're
just making a big mistake.

Like Nick and Caroline.

- And that earring.
- I'm not giving this thing up.

You look like you were caught
by a fly fisherman.

Dude, I've had it with
the earring jokes.

You look like you should be
standing in line

to get into Shaquille O'Neal's
birthday party.

Oh, my God, you guys.

The most exciting thing
just happened.

I helped Paul propose to his
girlfriend. They are engaged.

- Awesome. - I feel like you're
leaving out part of that story.

Where's Nick?
I want to tell him.

This should be fun. Um...

yeah, Nick has something
to tell you, too.

- He's in the bathroom.
- Oh, great.

- Really?
- She's gonna find out anyway.

Nick! Nick!

- Hey.
- What, Jess?

Um, Paul proposed to his
girlfriend in front of me.

That sounds pretty awkward.

She said yes, and it
was... it was really...

it was really beautiful.

And it made me
realize something.

You're wrong. All the stuff
you said about Caroline,

being about timing,

and it just making sense?

No.

Because if you really
love someone, it's simple.

Okay. Well, I understand
what you're saying, but...

You deserve something amazing.

And... you deserve love.

I know you don't
want to be alone,

but I'm going to be there,

and I'll tell that Tom Waits
voice in your head to shut up.

We don't have to settle...

Nick.

You're the best.

I'm moving in with Caroline.

We signed a lease this morning.

Thanks for saying
all that stuff.

Now that I got your attention,
Future Nick,

there's a few things
I'd like to talk to you about.

Be nicer to your mom
when she calls.

Stop giving yourself high fives.

Put your head underwater,
you two-year-old.

Be nicer to Coach,
or he's gonna take off,

live with a bunch
of other white people.

I no fake karate.

I'm Nick, I'm grumpy.

I'm going to put
my baby hood on.

Sex is a sprint,
not a marathon.

# You are special,
you are special #

# You... #

We'll see each other
in the future...

unless I see you first.
Nick Miller!

Norther