New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 8 - Bad in Bed - full transcript

Meow.

Wait, wait.

Are we really gonna do this?

- Yes. Yes!
- Okay.

# Intercourse,
intercourse. #

Intercourse.

Sorry, that was weird.

No, no, no.
It's okay.

I have to go to the loo.

Okay.

Hey, tiger.



You're having sex tonight.

Don't give me that look,
just do it.

I'm sorry.

No. You kidding?

Don't worry about it.

It's fine.

I just haven't had
sex with anyone

but Spencer in six years,
and I get so nervous.

It's like starting a new job
with a really weird interview.

Don't worry about it.
I'm good.

I'm more than good.

It's okay.

You know what?

Tomorrow night.



Let's just go out to dinner

and then just nail each other.

Just pound each other.

V-bomb on the P-bomb.

I would have the... P-bomb,
right?

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

1x08
- Bad in Bed -

Yes, I'm confirming
the appointment.

I made the damn appointment.

That's what. Why wouldn't...

Yeah, okay.

Appointment confirmed.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Yeah, there's not a chance
I'm going.

Can you not do
this to yourself?

Look at your hair,
you look ridiculous.

What am I supposed to talk
about for an hour?

It's a haircut.

No, you're trapped.

You can't move,
and they're standing

behind you with their hands

in your hair, and they expect

you to talk back.

Oh, yeah, it's your baby.

He's cute.

Yeah, your baby's cute.

Okay, I tell you what, man,
just come to my place.

No, I'm not going to
a black barbershop, Winston.

I've seen the movies;
I know how fast they talk.

I don't need to seem
any less cool than I already do.

Want to go to my salon?

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- So, um...

heads up, Paul's
coming tonight.

And I just wanted to tell you

that I'm gonna tap him
like a maple tree.

I'm gonna be searching
for some syrups.

I'm gonna be having sex
with him.

- All right.
- All right, hey!

Why are you telling us this?

'Cause I want to.
I want to give you a heads up.

You nervous?
You need tips?

No, I'm not nervous.

Just, you know,
I can drive stick.

Yeah, 'cause it seems like

you're freaking out
a little bit.

With this whole activity.

That's not stick,
that's automatic.

That's not automatic.

Another bathroom break,
Schmidt?

You know, I've been
timing you all day.

Seven minutes and 23 seconds.

I wonder what was
going on in there.

Hmm? You pooped.

Can you stop timing me, please?

It's ridiculous
that you do that.

I will break you.

Hey, Lisa!

You were on fire
last night, girl!

I'm taking her job.

What did you do last night?

Everyone from the office went
to Jill's bachelorette party.

Why don't I get invited places?

Is it because I'm the only man
in the office?

- "Man." That's adorable.
- How is it...

You know, Sarah got promoted.

Sarah?

With the, with the gums?

- Yeah.
- So she's out of the...

That corner cubicle is free.

So much kick-back space.

And, you know, Gina
personally invited me

to her baby shower tonight.

So that corner cubicle...
that's all mine.

You like a Bond villain?

You just told me
your whole plan.

Mr. Darcy's going to love
my new bonnet.

Why are we here?

You don't understand.

You've never been
cheated on before.

Spencer and I never
tried anything new,

and maybe if I'd been...
more erotic...

Spencer cheated on you
because he's a total jerk,

not 'cause you're bad in bed.

It's been six years.

Everything I know about sex,
I learned from Spencer

or the Clinton
impeachment trial.

He used a cigar as a sexual aid

with her in
the Oval Office area...

- Jess!
- Mom?!

I'm not listening to NPR.

No. No whistle.

It's terrible!

Uh, excusez-moi.

Can I try this on, please?

Oh, the starfish.
You can't try that on.

Health code.

I'll take it!

Ha!

I hope Paul's packing
some coral polyps,

'cause this starfish is hungry.

Starfish eat coral polyps.

Just pay, Jess.

So today I'm gonna show you
how to cut your own hair.

Uh, I consider myself...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What the hell
are you doing, Nick?

It's a haircut!
Human interaction.

You're a bartender, you talk
to strangers every single day.

I don't like when they
touch my head, Winston.

I don't like it.

Go to the damn salon!

No, it's fine, okay?

I'm learning
how to do it myself.

I'm learning from this video.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God, man!

I was wondering why
it had so many views.

Let's watch it again.

Hey.

What?

You know, Gina, I was
just walking by and, I mean,

I was literally pulled in here
by the glow.

- What do you want, Schmidt?
- I was just working my tail off

at my cubicle, which, between
you and me, is surrounded

by a couple of chatty Cathys.

I mean, that's really
their names.

It's Cathy S. and Cathy G.

Anyway, they won't shut up

about a baby shower tonight

for a certain VP VP.

"Very pregnant vice presidente."

You're the worst.
Seriously, the worst.

Get out.

Gina, honestly,
it would mean so much to me

if you would just let me
come to your baby shower.

Okay, fine.
Come to my baby shower.

I can come?
- Yeah. So I'm invited?

- Yeah, you're invited.
- All right.

I saw your registry.

I'm gonna get you one of those
portable baby pumps.

You're just out there

in every day life,
but you're pumping yourself

at the same time, you know.

Just milking away. Just...

- Get out.
- Okay, I'm gonna go.

Why don't we meet here at 8:00?

Great. Okay.

Uh, where's the place?

Um, I think it's in Koreatown.

Let me check.

Ooh, exotic.

Let me see here.

Jess?

What?

Oh, um...

Sorry, uh...

Can I call you back?

Yeah.

Hey, Schmidt!

Can I borrow your computer?

Nick? Winston?

What?

What?

Hey, do you have my comput...

Oh, my computer.

- I have your computer.
- I can see that.

Hey, I got to cram
for this baby shower.

Can I, can I have it back?

I've been watching porn.

You...

I found your red folder.

How-how long you been doing that for?
Are you okay?

Five and a half hours.

Wow. Uh, you went deep, Jess.

Real deep.

Help me, guys.

I have 15 minutes.

Teach me how to be good at sex.

I just, I have to
go on this date right now

and I can't do it.
I'm freaking out, okay?

I need all of you
to sit in front of me

and tell me what guys like
in bed, right now.

What do you want to know?

Okay.

Um, when you're...

if you're in the...

if you're holding the...

Start over.

Um...

when you reach...

...completion...

- Yeah, that was it.
- Completion?

- No! No, wait.
- I can't do this, Jess.

Come on. Come back here.

Jess, guys want to
be whisked away.

They want to be enchanted.

Just take your
clothes off, Jess.

Do you think that Paul

watches stuff like that?

- All the time.
- For sure.

Probably watching it right now.

Really? Okay.

I put this on mute,

because this girl's...

like, pretty loud.

And, um, my main thing

that I took away was,

gosh, that young lady can

really multitask.

- Super normal.
- She's a pro.

- What she's doing.
- I don't know

if every girl's like that,
but she's a pro.

Was wondering if there
are any trendy moves.

'Cause I've been
doing the same four

for the last six years, like...

Uh, and you know, like, uh...

That one.

And I don't know.

Do you think that Paul would be

into, like,
something like that?

What, a little light choking?

I'm gonna bet Paul is into
some pretty dark stuff.

- Light choking, really?
- No one's doing that.

You know what, Nick, maybe you're
hooking up with the wrong kind of girl.

Apparently, I'm hooking up
with the right girl, Schmidt,

because they don't choke me.

Nick is a meat and potatoes
kind of guy.

- Winston and I...
- Don't want to be a part of this.

- ...we're sushi.
- So you guys really think

you're better at sex than me.

- Yeah.
- Absolutely.

What did you do after you lost your
virginity? What did you say to me?

Don't say that right now.
You're taking it out of context.

He said, "Winston,
is it okay that

I didn't get my pants
all the way off?"

That's a true story.
That really happened.

I was 16 years old.

And I've gotten a lot better.

You haven't gotten that much
better. I used to listen

to you and Caroline
all the time in college.

It was like listening
to a rescue crew

trying to communicate
with a stranded miner.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Are you okay?"

- "Yeah."
- Hey, guys,

I don't have much time.

Can we get this back on track?

I need to know what to do.

Would flicking be,
like, a cool thing?

No.

- No!
- Absolutely not.

How about role play?

Do you know any voices?

Yes. I can do

an old-timey newscaster, like,
"Hey there, son,

I'm gonna kick you
into next Tuesday, see?"

You're telling me,
for the last 15 years, you've been

thinking I'm bad at sex.
I'm fantastic at sex.

Dude, you're scared
to get a haircut.

Yeah, I don't like
getting a haircut!

It's too intimate. What does
that have to do with sex?

Okay, Jess, here's
what you're gonna do.

You got a question,
just come to me because

- I'm obviously the best.
- No, you're not the best.

Jess, who do you think, of the
three of us, is the best at sex?

Yes.

And take emotion out of it.

No one's feelings
are gonna get hurt.

Go with your gut.
- Especially, you know, Nick and Winston's.

No, I'm not doing this.

- Say a name.
- Go with your gut.

Oh. Oh!

Hey! Paul!

Hey, Paul.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Hey, goose.

I'm gonna go get
ready in my room.

- Okay.
- I'll be back.

- I'll just hang out with the guys.
- Cool.

Hey, guys.

- What's up?
- What's up?

- What's up, Paul?
- Oh, you're

looking at me like, "what?"

I should tell you.

Um, "Goose" is short for
"me gusta Jess."

- Of course.
- Come here, sit down, man.

Thank you.
- I am so tired of people being so careful with me.

It's like, I am 40
and I am pregnant.

I am not made out of crackers.

Hey, ladies
What are you guys talking about?

- Afterbirth.
- Afterbirth.

That's like the,
the party you guys have

after you have the baby...

Sort of.
- You know, I'd like to be invited to that.

You know what they say,
"An afterbirth ain't an afterbirth

without some Schmidt
up I in there."

Schmidt? Come here.

I'm gonna talk to you
in a little bit.

- What are you doing?
- I'm rocking this party, Beth.

Watch this.

Hi. How's everyboby doing?

You know, I just, I just wanted
to take a moment to, well,

to say how honored I am
to celebrate

the journey of Bogart

through Gina,
and out and into the light.

Here's to elective C-sections!

Just face it, baby.

You don't know the
first thing about women.

Ah, you're the best, Beth.
I don't know if you know this

about me, but I was in
two frats in college.

Want to know why?

'Cause I just couldn't decide.

Hey, ladies!
Let's get this party started!

We're all getting drunk tonight!
Except for you, Gina.

Horribly irresponsible.

So, I'm looking forward
to having sex tonight.

Yeah. Me, too.

Sex is the bomb.

Sorry. That sounded like
a guy from Entourage.

Do you like porn?

No. Do you?

Yeah, I mean, I... Yeah.

I do, I do like pornos.

Yeah, you know,
when my imagination

isn't really working...

or I've exhausted, uh,
the bullpen.

I just find it very erotic.

And then I just love, like...

everything that's erotic.

Yeah, party!

Party, yeah!

Yeah, Gina! Yeah!

Baby wants his bottle! Yeah!

Party!

Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!

Schmidt! Schmidt! Schmidt!
Schmidt! Schmidt!

Ah-ha! Yeah!

This is so weird!

I love it!

I'm having a baby!

She's having a baby!

Yeah!

...the things people say
sometimes, I don't really...

write it, but I think...

Are we going to do this?

- Yeah. Definitely.
- Sit down.

Okay.

Whoa, wow.

You are hot, hot, hot.

Thank you.
Hello, weather service? Oh!

There's a heat wave from
Portsmouth to Port, Kansas!

I don't know, I don't...
what is happening.

We're talking dirty, slim.

Oh, okay. You want me to do...
you're doing a voice.

You want me to do a voice?
Okay, um...

Well, I'm so happy to be here!

Jimmy Stewart?

You look ravishing in your...

netting...

- Thank you very much.
- ...contraption.

Now, why don't you let me
see your little caboose?

Okay, here.
Let me go ahead and...

- Your caboose.
- Oh, okay.

- Your butt.
- Oh, my butt! Okay.

Here's my caboose!

Oh, happy birthday, me!

- I... Oh.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry. Is that okay?
- No, it was great.

I just it felt
so good, and sensual.

- Hey!
- You want me to wiggle it around?

How about you help me get
a little more comfortable?

Oh. Oh, all right, dear.

Okay, I just don't know...

- I'm going to try something different.
- Oh. Okay, great.

Young man!

Young man, the things
I'm gonna do to you!

- Well, I can't wait to...
- Young man, don't take all day.

Well, I-I understand, ma'am, but
you're wearing chain mail here.

I am not getting any younger.

It's like an erotic
rope course.

Okay, I...
let me try up here.

I think it's...
I can't do the voice

- and get this off at the same time...
- Okay.

- Oh. Is that, are you okay?
- Yes.

Wow, this is a...

I'm gonna split you like a log!

Okay. What are you...
wait, hold on. What is that?

It's a lumberjack.

Hold on one second.

Can we just... start over,

and just kind of go back
to basics for a minute?

Just you and me.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Just our regular voices.

All right.

See? So nice.

So nice...

Ah, you're hurting me.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God.

- Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah, I'm good, I'm good!

Let me get you some water.

Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna
get some water at home.

- I-I have good water at home.
- No, no, no, I have water here.

I have a filter,
it's a special ionized filter...

I got at home.

Oh, I'm so glad you convinced me
to go to your barbershop.

Wow, man. I...
it actually looks really good.

Right? I look good.

And I loved it in there.
You think they liked me in there?

I think they loved
you in there, man.

Okay, good.

- How'd it go?
- Is he still in there, Jess?

No more tea.

I forgot to buy tea.

Hello.

Where's...

where's the door?

Hey.

What's up, Jess?

You okay, Jess?

I messed up.

He ran away. He got scared.

Why would he be scared?

Because I choked him.

I lightly choked him.

Wow.

That's what happens
when you listen to Schmidt.

It's just...
when I was with Spencer,

I just didn't even think
about this stuff, you know?

- Just did it.
- Okay.

Here's the thing.

You gotta stop
thinking about it.

Just relax, and be yourself.

You're awesome.

What do you think, Winston?

Why are you asking Winston?

Because, Nick,
look at your hair.

You really don't look like
someone who's good at sex.

I can't believe
you just said that.

Here's what you do. You're
gonna stop worrying about it.

- Completely.
- Yeah. That's really good.

That's literally
what I just said.

What are you worried about,
anyway?

Paul doesn't care what you do.

I've seen the way
that boy looks at you.

And he is crazy about you.

- I agree, I...
- Shh.

I'm trying to listen
to Winston.

- Oh, hi!
- Hi.

- Paul.
- Hey, Winston.

Could I talk to you
for a minute?

Yeah.

We'll...
step into my office.

- Okay. Hey, Nick.
- Okay.

Um...

- Hi.
- Hi.

- So, last night was, um...
- No, I'm so sorry.

- No, no, don't, please...
- Unacceptable.

I'm really intimidated
by you, Jess.

You're so experienced, and I've
never done any of that stuff,

that S and M style...
bondage stuff.

It scares me a little, but I...

want to do it, because I know
that you're into it.

Just please be gentle
with me at first, okay?

I really like you.

Really?

Yeah, I do.

And nothing else matters.

Except, just...

no fire, and no handcuffs, please.
Please, please, please.

Okay? And I'm allergic to felt.

And most polyurethanes.

Okay, well, that's it.

And no bugs, too,
I don't know if that was...

Paul.

Wait. Um...

Last night was kind of a...
low point for me. I mean...

I'm not really into that stuff.
I just... I thought that

whatever I used to do
wouldn't be good enough,

or sexy enough,
or advanced enough,

- and that's why I did that...
- Oh no!

Sorry.
- Oh, no. No, it's okay, it just surprised me

- a little bit.
- I just...

I like you.

Well, good.

I'll walk you down.

Okay.

Oh! Um, the new trombones
came in...

Paul...

You know that doesn't speed it up
when you do that.

I know, I know.

We're about to go see a movie.

You guys want to come?

- Sure.
- Sure.

Hey, Jess?
Is that your shoe?

Boy, your haircut
look like a high-rise.

Where the penthouse at?

Hey, old man, what,
did you steal those pants

off of Danny Glover's
grandfather?

I am Danny Glover's grandfather.

I'm a big fan of his work.

He's great
in the Lethal Weapons.

No, I'm not.