New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 9 - The 23rd - full transcript

I can't believe Jess got me
roller skates for Christmas.

I feel so free.

- Don't.
- See this.

"Merry Christmas, Brendan.

Don't swallow these.
Love, Uncle Nick."

It's a great gift.
He's a 12-year-old kid,

it's a bunch of tacks.
He's going to love 'em.

- Give it to me.
- I hate Christmas.

First of all, it means
that Hanukkah is over.

Second of all, I hate it when
you guys leave and go home.

When are you leaving?



- I think 4:00 a.m.
- Tomorrow at 3:00 p.m.

Is that it?
Schmidt,

don't worry about it, man,
we're all gonna

hang out tonight
at your office party.

Please tell me
you're not dressing up

like Santa this year, are you?

I'm the only man in the office.

Of course I'm gonna
dress up like Santa.

Look, I like it.

I get all this dirt
on my coworkers.

They get drunk and they
whisper what they want

for Christmas in my ear,
and then I use that information

to subtly undermine them
and control them

for the rest of the year.



Ah, the true spirit
of Christmas.

Winston, you'd better
watch it, man,

because I will take you down.

You want to go?
You want to go?

You're gonna take me down?
I had figure skating lessons

until I was 13,
and then my mom sobered up

and realized I was a boy.
Let's do this.

- You should not have said that.
- Hey, guys, guys, don't fight.

- Let's go.
- You're wearing roller skates.

- I'm telling you, man.
- Both of you, enough, hey, hey.

Nothing's smart about
what you guys are doing.

Why don't you both act
like grown-ups?

- No, no.
- I need your help right now.

I need you guys
to get in my car

and come with me to the
mall 'cause I really need

to figure out what
to buy Paul for...

You guys are all wearing

the holiday gifts I gave you.

- No, I...
- That is so sweet.

I need to take a picture.

Jess, don't take
a photo right now.

- So cute.
- Don't do the photo.

- Please, no pictures.
- So cute, so cute.

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

1x09
- The 23rd -

So why can't you figure out
what to get your boyfriend Paul?

I don't know.

Maybe 'cause we've only been
going out for, like, a month,

so I know it's not
something fancy.

But do I get him a gag gift or
do I get him something sweet?

I don't know.

Well, I think you got to figure out
what you feel about him

and then get a gift
that reflects it.

I think that's
kind of the move.

My initial thought was to
get him a gift certificate

for piping hot sex.

Really...
oh, you're being serious?

But I don't want him to think

that I'm using
him for his body.

I'm sure he'd be
okay with that.

"Nerdy weird sex
that works for both of us."

- Give it back.
- This is amazing.

- No, come on.
- I'm gonna keep this.

I'm gonna cash this in
one night and get

- some weird nerd sex with it.
- No, but it's not for you.

Oh, my God, thank you.

Now I know what
I'm getting my mom.

- Oh, my God, Nick.
- It's going right to my mom.

Why do we have to go
to this office party tonight?

Because it's the last night

before you guys go
home to your families,

and we got to blow
this thing out, man.

Plus, it'll be a
good opportunity

for you to do some networking.

Help with the job search.

I'm telling you, everybody's
hitting the nog,

having a good time,
letting loose.

You swoop in there, and
then boom... new job, man.

That's how things work.

You know, Benjamins in
your pocket, La Pen-si-own,

little four-to-the-oh-
to-the-one-to-the-kay.

You're making me want
to stay broke.

So what'd you get Paul?

I'm not telling you, but,
um, I'll give you a hint.

It's fuzzy.

Well, I hope you didn't
listen to Nick.

He's the worst gift giver ever.

You're welcome.

Where are we, Jess?

We are on Candy Cane Lane.

At night,
the whole block lights up

with Christmas decorations.

It's so beautiful.

Oh, my God, it's so beautiful.

What fun, what wonderful fun.

Okay, whatever.

We have to come back later

'cause you'll see
what I'm talking about.

Oh, no, we're not
gonna have time.

We have to go straight from
the party to the airport.

- No.
- Yes, I've missed my flight

four years in a row.

If I miss it this year,
my mom's gonna kill me.

Schmidt, it's a menorah for you.

Oh, a menorah.

Judaism, son.

Hey, hi.

You look awesome.

It's a before and after

for a Bolivian diet pill.

El Glatrax?
Yeah, I've taken that.

I'm "before."

Su-sure, you are, look at that.

So you said you wanted
to see me for something?

Yes, I brought you a gift.

I hope you appreciate
that I have kept

eye contact with you
this whole time

and made no reference
to the fact

that you are basically naked.

Very proud of you, Schmidt.

Hey, hey.

Oh, lot of tongue.

- Done with her hair?
- With her...?

No, I'm not the hair guy, man.

Oh, no, no, no, this is

my very good friend Schmidt,

and he just came by to
bring me a gift, so...

It's perfume.

Why does it say
"Cecilia Number 5"?

Actually, it says that
because... you know,

I ma... I made it
specifically for you.

Yeah, I found this place
on Third Street

where you can design
your own perfume.

Base notes of cocoa
because of your brown, uh...

ness.

Sea salt, because it
kind of sounds like Cece.

Uh, and sandalwood...

Sandalwood...
always up to no good.

That's, um...

Ha.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Thanks.
- Neat.

Let's get back to work.

Yeah, okay, um...

I'll see you tonight.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I'll just... I'll see you there.

We'll do that.

Three, two, one.

Go.

Envelope.

Festive bag.
I was afraid

you were going to get me
jewelry, so...

Oh, no.

What is it?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God,
two tickets to Vienna

and passes to the
Salzburg Music Festival?

That's, like, incredible.

- You're gonna love it.
- I'm speechless.

And, um, all I got you was...

"Anatomically correct heart
of a 50-year-old nonsmoker."

You know what?

Normally I'm, like,
really good at giving gifts,

and I thought
that was romantic,

but it's just...
so creepy.

I, I'm sorry, I have
to get you something better.

No, it's great, I love it.

It's funny an-and quirky
and, and so sweet.

It's like you.

That's why I love it.

I love it.

Thank you, I love it.

I... I love you.

Thank you.

You're very welcome.

You're welcome.

Look at you, all dressed up.

What, are you
in The Temptations tonight?

That's so cute, Nick, you're
intimidated by my style.

But I'll tell you what...

one of us is walking
out of here with a job.

Where you going?

You wore my present.

I did.

- Thank you, I love it.
- Yay.

She's seen it now,
so maybe you can take it off.

You look like a man.

- I know, right?
- That's what's freaking me out.

Good humor and fun...
God forbid.

- Is that Schmidt?
- Oh.

What the...?

Hey, guys.

Whoa, whoa,

Schmidt, Santa voice.

This isn't temple.

Ho, ho, ho.

Are those my shorts?

Hey, what's wrong, Jess?

Hey, Nick.

Paul told me he loved me.

- Hmm.
- And I couldn't say it back,

so I, um, said "Thank you,"

which was horrible.

I don't know what to do
because I am always

the one who loves more.

That's my thing.

One time I went on a date

and by 11:00 p.m.,
I gave the guy my ATM code.

What is your ATM code?

42...

Very funny.

Very good try, but no.

Not a try...
I got it.

If you don't have feelings
for Paul, you got to tell him.

I can't do that
to someone on Christmas.

And then it's New Year's.

Then it's going to be
Valentine's Day and then,

whoa, it's Presidents' Day.

Hard to argue with that logic,
but just tell him.

Don't lead him on...
you'll just hurt him more.

Okay.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna tell him.

- You are?
- Yeah.

Hey, what are you
doing in here?

Kyle's being a jerk.

What are you doing in here?

Eating cookies
and avoiding confrontation.

Remember when Christmas used
to be fun and all I had to do

was worry about my drunk
uncle asking me out?

Yes, Uncle Pardeep.

He thought I was a boy.

Such a weirdo.

Okay.

Hey, man.

Hey.

How you doing, Paul?

Good.

Has Jess not talked to you?

Oh, yeah, no, we talked.

- Yeah, yeah, no, I...
- She did, okay.

Yeah, it's hard, you know,

it's really tricky.
It's like she doesn't

love you right now, Paul,
but that's not to say

she might not fall in love
with you later.

I think that's the positive
way of looking at it,

but it's hard, man, believe me.

We talked about how
we might have to drive you

to the airport 'cause you're
gonna miss your flight.

Yeah, that was probably
all you guys talked about,

so I'm joking.

- W-wait a minute.
- Because she hasn't...

Yeah, I know...
guess what, Paul.

Don't even think right now.

I'm drunk.

- Did... Jess tell you...
- I'm so drunk.

- ... that she doesn't love me?
- What's happ...? No,

shut up, you goofball.

I'm... this conversation
didn't happen.

Did Jess tell you
she doesn't love me?

Joke.

But he's the best guy, Cece.

Maybe I should just
make it work.

Yeah, no, Jess, you can't

just dive into something
like this right now.

Yeah, I just wish I could stay
in this bathroom all night.

Me, too.

Whoo, that eggnog is deadly.

We got to get out of here.

Yeah, we do.

I should just put it off
till later, after the holidays.

You coming?

Yeah, I'll be out in a sec.

Kyle wants to go to this party.

Ugh, Kyle is the living worst.

Yeah, I know.

Did he even get you a gift?

No.

Who wants to sit
at a desk all day?

Not me... I don't want
to have to do that.

I don't want to call
Wednesday "hump day."

I don't even know
how to network.

So what's your deal, man?

Why are you sitting
here by yourself?

Mommy won't let me
sit in Santa's lap.

You have a smart mommy.

Yeah.

Hi, I'm the genius who brought
my kid to this Christmas party.

Looking forward to years
of therapy over Dirty Santa.

I can't believe that
he's even talking to you.

He doesn't like anyone.

Yeah, I don't like anyone.

Yeah, but we're really
working on that.

No, she's working on that.

My man.

- Okay?
- You think it's fun?

- Do it.
- I do think it's fun.

Do it then.

Do it.

Okay.

What are you doing, Santa?

- I have a really bad case of Santa lap.
- Hmm.

The entire marketing department
is wearing wool.

It's not good down there.

Well, get back to work soon.

- Boom!
- Ow! Why would you...?

There are so many
bobby pins up there.

- Everything's attached...
- Does she always talk to you like that?

Yeah, kind of.

You like dressing up like Santa?

Sexy Santa.

No. The truth is, no, I don't.

You know, you don't deserve
to be treated like that.

You just got to tell her no.

Otherwise, all
she'll do is see you

as a pretty face
and a hot body.

I'm sorry, what was that?

- You have a pretty face.
- No, no, no,

'cause the second part.

And I'd like you to say it,
like, in an accent,

- but make direct eye contact.
- Yes, Schmidt,

do not push your luck with me.

What's that smell?

That's your perfume.

You wore it?

Yeah, and it smells terrible.

Ha!

It does smell terrible.

It's like a dirty dish towel.

Santa voice!

Please just tell me
what she said.

She said the sex
is really great,

but she just doesn't want
to jump into anything.

- Why am I talking about this?
- Oh, my God,

the sex is great, it's amazing.

- Great.
- We had amazing sex

this morning,
and then we ate Taro chips.

- Oh, my God. Oh, oh.
- Oh, God. I...

I feel like such a terrible guy
for saying that to you, man.

- Oh, my God.
- You're a good guy, Genzlinger.

Hey, man, just let it go.

You know what I mean?
Just let it

- brush off your shoulders, dude.
- Oh, man.

- What has happened to my life?
- Hey.

Why are you guys hugging?

- Just guy-talkin'.
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Everything's fine.

- We're just talking.
- Just talking.

About, uh...

how moved we are...
by jazz music.

That's a lie.

I told him you didn't
love him, Jess.

- What?!
- Because I...

But he said it nicely.

Are you kidding me?!

- It's not your information to share.
- I totally agree,

- and I regret it.
- It is not your information...

- Why would you do that?
- I apologize.

- You guys have a lot to do. I'm sorry.
- Nick. Nick.

Oh, my God.

Please! This is my nightmare!

Winston!

Schmidt!

Help me...!

Paul, I really care about you.

I think I just...

I think I just feel
really overwhelmed.

Yeah. Yeah, I know,
Nicholas told m...

Damn it.

Hey, guys,
just pretend I'm not here,

and just do whatever
you two guys are doing.

I'm not here.
I'm not even listening.

This is my nightmare.

I-I knew you were getting
out of a long relationship.

You told me all about Spencer.
I just thought...

I thought we were feeling
the same things for each other.

You seemed like you were.

I was. I just...

I feel like maybe
you were feeling them

a little bit more than me.

Nick!

You started this.

Sit down and be quiet!

I just... I got really hurt,

and I... I'm trying really
hard not to get hurt again.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Oh.

Oh...

I am so sorry.

This is as rude as it gets.

It is my mom, though.

I... Hey, Ma. How you doing?

I can't talk right now.

I'm in a real weird situation.

No, Ma, I'm not high...
I'm done with that phase.

I promise you I won't
miss my flight.

Okay. I love you, Mama. Bye.

- You done?
- Mm-hmm.

Can we just...

can we just keep going
but take it a little bit slow?

I-I don't know
if I can do that.

I don't know how with you.

- It's just not how I feel.
- Well, all

she's asking you to do
is slow it down a little bit.

- How's that hard?
- Nick.

Yeah.

All right,
everybody leave the room.

I need to talk to Kim.

Okay, you know what?
Actually,

stay... this'll
be good for you guys

to hear this, too.

Why d... Don't...
Come on.

- I just told...
- There are two hours left

in this party.

What are you doing, Santa?

Kim, I'm not gonna be
Sexy Santa anymore.

It's over.
Santa's dead.

I killed him.

Oh, my God.
No, no, no, don't worry, that's just

Gina's cowardly son.

He is a scream machine.

Kim, I'm not
a sex object, all right?

I'm your employee.

And I work harder than anyone.

I'm the first one
to show up every morning.

No, you're not.

There's never a parking space.

That's because everyone's
already here, Schmidt.

Okay, you're
so off topic right now.

- You're missing the point.
- What?

You need to take me
seriously, Kim.

Does that mean no more...

Sexy Easter Bunny?

No Sexy Easter Bunny.

What about, uh, Cinco de Sexy?

No Cinco de Sexy.

And no Sexy Martin Luther King?

I could never get the voice,

I never really felt
like I had the authority...

I can't believe it took you
five years to say that.

Well, I guess I'm gonna

have to be Sexy Santa next year.

Yeah, just got to
jingle bell rock.

You know what I mean?

That is so inappropriate.

I get it... so you can dish
it out but you can't take it.

Yeah, how's that feel, Kim?

I like it.

Both these machines need toner.

They need... I'm gonna
put the toner in the...

in the machine.

Mrs. Miller, I told you,

I will get Nick
to his flight on time.

No worries.

I can't find Elvin.
I've looked everywhere.

- I-I have no idea.
- Uh, you know what?

I got to go. Um, I'm sure
he's around here somewhere.

- We'll find him.
- Elvin!

I'll tell you what, you go
that way, I'll go that way.

- This is Schmidt's fault.
I don't know how, but it is. - Elvin?

I'm sorry, Jess, I just...

I don't want to slow down...
with you.

It's just not natural.
So if you need to,

then... I don't think
I can do this anymore.

Okay.

Come on, Paul!

It's Christmas!

- Don't break up with her...
- Hey, Nick...

It's okay.

Hey, have you guys seen
a little kid running around here?

Thank you.

Ah. I see you found
Santa's house.

I was looking for it.

The man with no shirt
killed Santa.

Oh, you mean Schmidt.

Well, he was just
dressing up like Santa.

Then why didn't he have a shirt?

You know, we ask ourselves
that question every single day.

Is it because he's a D-bag?
Mommy says he's a D-bag.

You know something?

You're a really smart kid.

And for that,
Santa's gonna bring you

extra presents this year.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Thank you, LeBron.

Okay, cool, I'll be him.

You found him!

- Yeah.
- Hi!

Extra gifts this year.

You're really good at this.
Seriously.

If you ever want to hang
out with Elvin again...

I will pay you a lot of money.

Let's go.

A lot.

Thank you.

Like, whatever you're thinking,

add money to that...
'cause that's what I...

Like, a lot.

Bye, Elvin.

Bye, LeBron.

Yep.

What up, Mrs. Miller?

Yes, yes. Actually,
we're on our way right now,

so just go back to sleep.

We're getting Nick
to the airport, okay?

What kind of airline
has flights that leave at 4 a.m.?

Probably the kind
that I can afford.

Actually, what's that smell?

- It's nothing. Oh.
- That's my perfume.

Oh, God, that is bad.

But the weird kind of bad

that makes you want
to smell it again.

Okay, there's something
that we got to do. Sorry.

What are you doing, man!

Hold on, you're going
in the wrong direction!

I think we're too late, Nick.

Yeah, this was supposed
to be your gift, Jess.

I screwed it up.

I'm sorry.

Candy Cane Lane is shut down!

Should've got her perfume, man.

Nice, man.

Man.

Yeah.

I have the worst timing.

I'm always in the wrong place
at the wrong time.

Let's go.

- We should go.
- No, we don't...

Jess, no.

It's Christmas.
It's our Christmas.

We came here to see the lights.

Well, what are we gonna do?

- Yeah, what are you doing?
- What are you doing?

- Nick, man it's 2:00 a.m.
- Why would they turn them off?

- It doesn't make sense to me.
- Nick!

We don't got time for this.

Excuse me, guys?

Oh, hell, no!

Excuse me,
we got a girl out here

who'd really like
to see the lights!

Sorry to wake you!
This is rude!

Make it the
Candy Cane Lane or whatever!

You spend all this time
to show off and do it,

so show off...
you got an audience!

This whole neighborhood
is ridiculous!

You all show off,
so turn on the lights!

Just go in the shed or whatever and turn
your damn lights on, you show-offs!

- Turn on your lights!
- Turn on the lights!

Turn on your lights!

- Lights!
- Turn on your lights!

- Turn on your lights!
- Turn on your lights!

Turn on your lights!

# I'll be home #
Turn on the lights, everybody!

# For Christmas #

# You #

# Can count #

# On me #
- Oh! - Oh!

# Please #

# Have snow #

# And mistletoe #

# And presents #

# On the tree #
Oh, my God!

Yes! Yes!

# Christmas Eve #

# Will find #

# Me #

# Where #

# The love light #
Merry Christmas!

# Gleams #
Merry Christmas, boys!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Hanukkah!

# I'll #

- # Be home #
- Merry Christmas.

- # For Christmas #
- Merry Christmas!

Now, stop yelling
before I call the cops!

Oh, my God.

# My dreams... #

Candy Cane Lane is
the crA?me de la crA?me

- of decorated streets.
- It is... amazing.

Hey, Ma! How are you?

Yeah. No, I'm gonna
miss my flight.

Yeah, I'm sorry. No.

Ma, stop yelling at me,
please stop yelling.

Ma, I'm not high!
Stop yelling!

I'm driving a car.
I can't talk.

Hey, remember Winston?

Winston, it's my ma.
Talk to her.

Hey, what up, Mrs. Miller?

You know, I wrote
a poem about you.

You want to hear it?