New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 7 - Bells - full transcript

Mmm.

You know you
want in on this, man.

A little fatty toon...

little yellow T...

Cali roll.

Samurai snack.

So scrummy.

I'm good with this.
Looks like you're soloing

on $80 worth of sushi, Schmidt.

'Cause I got the means, player.
Look, I get

why you don't want
to get down there.



But, Winston, you got
to climb aboard, man.

You got a serious
J-O-B now.

- Serious?
- Yeah.

Dude, it's a temp job.

If by "serious,"
you mean "piece of crap,"

then yeah, it's serious.

I'm surprised you haven't
made a game of it.

Oh, I've tried.

I'm losing my mind, guys.

You know, I sometimes
touch the frayed part

of the power cord
just to feel something.

What's up, guys?

Nobody has any lady guests
coming over tonight, right?

Lady guests?



And how do you feel about opening
your home and your hearts

to the youth of America?

Yo, Miss Day, where should
we set up these bells?

# Hey, girl #

# What you doing? #

# Hey, girl #

# Where you going? #

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

# It's Jess. #

1x07
- Bells -

I'm so sorry, you guys,

I should have told you,

but the community center decided

to turn our rehearsal space
back into a hallway, so...

I had nowhere to go.

Is this something that
a mean, creative judge

- made you do?
- Yeah, this is just like

a nightmare I had where
you brought over

teenagers with bells.

These kids had a choice

between early morning
detention and music,

and they all chose music.

No kidding?

Desiree, bells are
not for hitting.

The kids wanted to
play band instruments,

but we got a huge
donation of handbells,

- which are tres tres dope.
- Miss Day,

can I eat some of
these crackers up in here?

No, no, no. Water crackers

are for adults...
to eat with adult cheese.

Can I eat
a cracker sushi sandwich?

- No. Jess.
- So what, you guys

are gonna sit around all night
playing "Jingle Bells"?

"Jingle Bells" is a trash song

played on a trash instrument,

and I'm not really
asking permission,

I'm giving you a heads-up.

Well, that got serious.

Anyway, you are gonna
love these kids.

Thank you, Schmidt.

Wonderful.

Great, guys!

So good.

Just think, you could be

in detention right now.

Is it too late
to choose detention?

We suck.

We don't suck, we just need

a little bit of rehearsal.

Hector, okay, good!

Big finish,

and... we're out.

I'm so proud of you.

That's what it feels
like to play a song

sort of together.

Bring it in.

In.

Yes.

- Ensembell!
- Ensembell!

Five minutes

of text time... you earned it.

Oh, dear... Miss Day!

Desiree?

Miss Day!

Oh!

You got a twisted
toilet, Miss Day.

Nick!

Toilet situation!
Code one! Water only!

- You didn't tell her the system?
- Oh, I'm sorry, she went rogue.

You have to turn on the faucet

before you flush
the toilet, 'cause...

All right.

Thank you, Nick.

All right.

There we go, no problem.

Perfect. You did it.

The plastic soda bottle is

right where it's
supposed to be...

- Back in the wall hole.
- What? It's fixed.

I've heard that before.

It's fixed.

It's fixed.

It's fixed.

Okay, Nick, repeat after me:

I am not the Chinese
kid from Goonies.

You know, I fix things just
to the point of working, Schmidt.

If you want a fancy-fix,
just say so.

Okay.

Please fancy-fix the toilet.

That's all you had to say.

That actually sounds
really good.

Whoa.

You're amazing!

Goose pimples.

Look. Each one...

a memory.

Winston, please help me.

Just hear me out.

Two things women love...

Alternative percussion
players and role models.

The kids would love it and we'd
get to spend time together.

You got to do it...
it's a Mitzvah, bro.

- Are you sure you've never rung before?
- Believe it or not, Jess,

I have never played
handbells before.

I just pick things up
easy, that's all.

I know handbells aren't the
coolest instrument in the world,

they might not even be
the fifth coolest,

but the kids would love it,
it would really

mean a lot to them, and
if they saw how good you are,

I think they'd
really get into it

and maybe try
a little bit harder.

Also, there's, like,
a lot of potentially

cool, like, bell shorthand
we could use to talk about...

Nick...

while he's right there
we'll be, like...

"Nick's such a tinkle!"

"I think he's more
like a tonkel."

Tinkle and tonkel are potential

- bell talk we could use.
- I get it.

Just be cool, please.

I am cool.

Before you make your decision,

I'd only need you till
the concert on Sunday.

I don't know, I think
I could be into this.

- Yay!
- And with

that statement,
he never had sex again.

# Winston and me
are playing bells every day... #

Until Sunday.
I'm cool.

Nick, look,
I don't mean to nag you,

but how long is this gonna take?

Fancy-fix,
fancy amount of time.

'Cause I would like
to use my own bathroom now.

Sir, bathrooms

- are for customers only.
- Mm.

How dare you.

If only there were
some sort of pipe and...

and water expert
that we could hire

- to come and fix this problem.
- Yeah, I can't

- afford a plumber.
- A plumber! That's what it's called!

You really want to do this?

You want to have
this fight with me?

You want to go down
this path, Schmidt?

I don't know, is this a path
that you recently fixed?

It's called self-reliance.

'Cause unlike you, Schmidt,

I don't just throw
my money at problems.

All I'm hearing is that
I can't use my bathroom

because you're poor.

Look, it's your
lucky day, buddy.

I'm gonna pay for the plumber.

No, Schmidt,
I don't want your charity.

Well, you seem very happy
using my emergency tools.

Oh, yeah? Do you even
know what this is?

- Doy, it's a scissor.
- Yeah, that's exactly right.

A scissor.
Really, Schmidt?

Yeah, a scissors that
you just threw in the turdlet.

So, tonight at rehearsal,
keep an eye out for Hector.

I'm having trouble
getting him to interact.

He really wants to play
the drums, so I told him

bells were the next best thing,
which was a lie,

so I couldn't keep a straight
face while I was saying it.

He saw right through me.

So, why do you do
this bell thing, Jess?

I mean, like, how do you win?

You don't win.

You win by helping the kids.

I just want to get them to
care and try hard, you know?

- So you want them to try hard?
- Yeah.

I'll get them to try hard.

No, I'm telling you,
they're not gonna listen to you.

Okay.

Oh, what, a plumber?

You plan it this way?

- Just to rub my face in it?
- Yes,

I wanted to rub your face
in our working toilet.

Great. Well, that working
toilet I will never use.

You're never gonna
go to the bathroom again?

- Oh, you're the soda bottle guy.
- Yeah.

That was actually pretty smart.

Thank you!
Thank you.

- And I have nothing to say to you.
- Okay.

Question for you, sir.
How much did he pay for this?

All right, you know what?
That's enough.

- $50? $100?
- Inappropriate.

Hey, my name's Schmidt.
I was born rich.

- I had a $40,000 Bar Mitzvah.
- Okay.

How long you do
the petty act for, man, huh?

A week? A month?

Is this "my favorite bedspread"
all over again?

That was a handmade
gift my nanny gave me

that you spilled

a pitcher of Midori Sours on,

and now you bring it up
like it's nothing?

I left you a check
for $30 on your pillow.

Your nanny gave you

that thing for free,
so as far as

I'm concerned,
you're up 30 bucks.

My nanny is dead!

I'm not looking
to make money off of her!

I will not apologize again
for the Midori Sours!

Who drinks Midori Sours?!

Everyone drinks Midori Sours!

- No, they don't!
- It's a melon liqueur!

- I would never drink one!
- It's an American

classic with Asian influences!

Winston would never drink one!

Enjoy the couch.
I bought that, too.

Enjoy the rug, too...
paid for that.

Organic woven.

What are you doing?

Oh, come on, man.

Well, I stole the cable!

And my Bar Mitzvah
was an amazing event!

The theme was sports jams.

Oh! Wow! Oh, my God!
That was really good.

- That was amazing.
- Wow!

That was off the hammer!

The hammer in the bell.

# Tough crowd. #

Here's what I
was thinking, okay?

If we want to win this concert,

we play something cool,
like "Eye of the Tiger."

What's "Eye of the Tiger"?

"Eye of the Tiger" is
the greatest song ever written.

It's so cool,
it ended the Cold War.

That's not even
a little bit true.

I never thought
bells could be cool.

What do you mean?
I make bells cool.

Do that thing where you hold
three bells in one hand...

Three-in-hand.

I think she's talking
about the Winston.

- Yeah. The Winston.
- It's actually called the three-in-hand.

I can do it.

Yeah, but can you do this?

- Oh, my God!
- That was really pretty.

But Miss Day has a few tricks

up her sleeves as well.

- Let's see what you got.
- Yeah, come on, Miss Day.

Let's see what
you got, Miss Day.

# I am a robot #

# Trying to play the bells #

# Don't judge me,
'cause I can't #

# Think at all, I just #

# Like to play the bells. #

I want to play
"Eye of the Tiger."

- Yeah, come on, "Tiger"!
- Yeah, please!

I don't know, I don't know.

That sounds so fun,
but we can't,

because we don't have time.

- Oh, darn!
- Here's what I was thinking.

If you skip school and practice,
then, boom, you got it.

Mr. Bishop.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Done.

What's the deal with Winston?

He's really intense.

Oh, look,
I grew up with Winston.

I know how he is.

He's incredibly talented,

but he's a jerk about it.

Yeah, he's one of those guys
that he'll never

pass the ball if he thinks
he can score.

I just don't know why
it needs to be a competition.

That's just the way
some guys are, Jess, you know?

They get themselves wrapped up
in these insecure, silly games.

Hey, Nick,

uh, we're good with that
whole plumber thing, right?

- Absolutely.
- Yeah, okay, cool, 'cause...

'cause I was right
about that whole thing.

Oh!

Yeah, I unfixed that.

Well, how you gonna unfix
a dead Schmidt?!

I'm not worried about it!

You're so predictable, Schmidt!

# Stop yelling #

# I don't want to hear you
yelling anymore. #

What...?

I paid for the freezer,
so, you know.

I'm gonna kill you.

That's a, that's a B
right there.

Get that in there.

You're fired.

Focus.

Are you focused?

Okay, what's the song about?

Hector?

Hanging tough.
Staying hungry.

A man and his will to survive.

Are you brown-nosing me?

Yes, I am.

You're so cool.

Where are your eyes?

On the tiger.

One, two, three, four.

Two, three, four.

No! No, no, no, no!

Are you kidding me?

It is not that hard, people.

It is an instrument

that a cat
wears around its neck.

Okay, you know what, I think
they did a pretty great job,

considering the fact that they've
only played it, like, eight times.

Well you're wrong, okay
You thought wrong, Jess.

You know why?
Because I'm out here

right now by myself
in the cold.

I got no support.

Maybe we're just
not good enough.

No, you are good enough.

This is not your problem,
this is Mr. Bishop's problem.

# Pah # Rest.

# Pah-pah-pah #
Rest.

# Pah-pah-pah... #

Rest. # Pah #

Can you hear it?
It's a very famous song.

- Mr. Bishop...
- I'll tell you what.

Here. Here.

You're gonna play these, okay?

Play these
until you figure it out.

Right? Don't play these.

And what are you
laughing at, WNBA?

This is what you look like.

You look like you're
fighting off a shark.

Okay, this is what I want.

Mr. Bishop!

Petting a dolphin.

Oh, yeah, there we go.

All right, and you...

You didn't make me
want to throw up.

Really?

Now, come on, people!

- Out!
- What?

Get out. You're out of the group.
You're being mean.

Fine. I don't need this.

I warned y'all
about these bells.

Told you, told you, told you.

I'm gonna make you guys
a pitcher

of my famous virgin Sangria.

Isn't that just juice?

This has to stop!

It's not my war!

Hey, uh, maybe Jess is right.

Maybe we should talk
this thing through.

Absolutely, man.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna
put a clean shirt on.

Great, man.

What is that, man?

I'm sorry. I put your couch

and your freezer
in your room, Schmidt.

Yeah, I didn't want to get
my poor on them.

I got to get in there, man.
I'm a mess.

I have to go to
a networking event later.

Scott Caan is speaking!

Ugh, would you listen
to yourself?

- Did you use my conditioner?
- What? No.

No, I can tell, man.

What are you doing?

Lotusberry Relax.
Lotusberry Relax.

I can smell it on you
right now!

Fine! Stop smelling my hair!

You know how much
that stuff costs?

Okay, Schmidt, I didn't
use your conditioner.

Why does your hair
look so baby soft?!

Fine, Schmidt!

I ran out of shampoo and
I used your conditioner.

We're talking about
conditioner, right?

You used it as shampoo?!

It's for moisture, Nick,

not for cleaning!

I can't believe we're friends.
Give me it back, man.

- Give you what back?
- Give me it back.

Think about what
you're doing right now.

I'm squeezing it
out of your hair.

- You're squeezing it out of my hair?
- Yes, I am.

Stop squeezing it
out of my hair!

Okay, yeah.

It's on.

It's on.
It's happening.

- Oh, it is?
- Yeah, it is happening.

- Oh, you want...
- Okay, it is.

These are the first moments of
what is happening right now.

This is the beginning of
what's happening right now!

- Want to get your hands dirty?
- Yeah, man.

- Whoa!
- Come on, Schmidt!

You little rich boy sissy!

Come on! Who you gonna hire
to fight me, boy?!

Stop running!

Stop running, Schmidt!

- You want it so bad, you got it!
- Okay!

Enough!

Where is this coming from, man?

Look, you chose
to be a bartender.

You chose to drop out
of law school.

You're not some
down-on-your-luck hardscrabble guy,

you're just a loser who...

I didn't mean...

It's fine, man.

Okay.

Whatever, whatever,
whatever, man.

Just, these are the things
that come out, man,

when you take
another man's conditioner.

Winston, we need to talk.

We had a dress rehearsal.

It was horrible.

Stop it!

Hey!

Those are expensive!

Hector! Hector!

I'm sorry, Jess,
but I really don't care.

You know what,
I love running this group.

It gives me

confidence, it gives me

muscle definition.

Yes, sometimes it gives me

blinding optical migraines

where I literally can't see
three feet in front of myself.

But I love these kids.

And I'm sorry I kicked you
out of group,

but one thing you can't do with
these kids is make it about you.

Jess, I don't see
what the big deal is, okay?

I only practiced with you guys
a couple of times.

You're such a tonkel!

Whoa, hold it!

Don't nobody call me a tonkel.

If you tell them
they aren't good,

that's one more person
telling them that.

That's a big deal to me,

making sure no one else
gives up on them.

Even if they sound like

a guy covered in bells
falling down a staircase

that's also made of bells.

I know you've had a hard month,
I know you don't have a job,

but, God, they're just kids.

Also, what happened

to the refrigerator
and the sofa?

Did we get robbed by giants?

You know what sucks
about getting older?

Your friends have
known you for way too long.

- They've got too much on you.
- Yep.

I want friends
who still lie to me,

'cause they don't want
to hurt my feelings.

Mm.

I sadly kind of mean that.

What happened to us, man?

We used to be so cool.

I was going to play basketball
and be a gazillionaire.

Right. And I told myself

I was never going to live
with Schmidt.

- Who do you live with now?
- I live with Schmidt,

and he's killing me, Winston,
he's killing me.

I got fired from a temp job.

Yeah, I got kicked out

of bell group
for being too mean to kids.

Yeah, I've been meaning
to talk to you about that.

That's a low point.
You ain't got to talk to me, I know it.

I know it, man.

But I was just enjoying

- being good at something.
- Yeah.

I mean, what does
she want me to do,

not care about
what the songs sound like?

Winston, this is
your thing though.

It's not always about
being the best.

It's not always
about you, Winston.

This is about kids.

Just pass the ball.

I'll drive, pal.

Hey.

Want to go to
this bells concert?

Let me get my cardigan.

I know you guys are nervous.

I know you want to do
a really great job

and you want to sound really
great, but it's not about that.

There's a really big crowd
of people who's really excited

and wants to hear
some bells today.

Just look.

All right, bring it in.

Hello, Pershing Park!

We are...

Ensembell.

What? What'd you say?

I said, um, Ensembell.

She said Ensembell!

It's on the banner, stupid!

You guys gonna
play something?

But first, I'd like to welcome

Winston Bishop to the stage.

Hey, what's a Winston Bishop?

Hey.

What's up?

"Eye of the Tiger"?

Yo, Hector, you think

- we can pull this off?
- Probably not.

Yeah, I don't think so, either.

So let's do it.

One, two, three, four.

Two, three, four.

You know I don't think
you're a loser, right?

I can't hear anything you say

when you wear
that sweater, Schmidt.

You open your mouth and I just
hear: "Cardigan, cardigan.

I am wearing a cardigan."

This is super embarrassing.

Yeah, it's terrible.

# It's the eye of the tiger,
it's the thrill of the fight #

# Rising, watching us all
with the eye... #

- You don't like the cardy?
- No.