New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 6 - Thanksgiving - full transcript

Fourth Thursday in November

That is when we must remember

How the Pilgrims would have died

If not for friendship of a tribe

- Hi.
- Hi.

Thank you so much
for helping backstage this year.

Really it's made such a difference.

- That's nice.
- Yeah.

How...? How is your boyfriend?

- We broke up.
- Oh.

- Sorry.
- Good riddance. Just kidding.



What you doing for Thanksgiving?

Well, um, I always spend it
with my grandmother.

- That's so nice.
- But she just died.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
That's terrible. When?

About a month ago. While I was writing
the Halloween madrigal.

No wonder it was so deep.

What's it all about?

Is there any point?

Do we start dying

The moment we are born?

Well, I better go warm up the gourds.

- Paul.
- Yeah?

Well... Unh.

Oh.
- What is that?



I went to five grocery stores...

and I got the last turkey in America.

We're not doing Thanksgiving.
We talked about this.

We're just gonna watch
football, drink beer.

Then we are going to Best Buy
for Black Friday.

Or, as I like to call it, Friday.

- It's our thing, Jess. It's Dudesgiving.
- No matter how many e-mails you send...

that's not a thing. It's not real.
- It's real.

It's been two years
since I've had Thanksgiving.

- We talked about this.
- It's not a big deal.

I'm just cooking dinner for you guys
and Paul.

- What?
- What?

- Hm? What?
- Did you say "and Paul"? Who's Paul?

Did you invite somebody to our house?

Yes, I did. I asked someone out.

- Asked someone out?
- Jess, be honest.

- Is the turkey named Paul?
- It's a real guy.

And he teaches at my school.
And he's really, really hot!

And the turkey is named Hank.

Hanksgiving.

And we are gonna eat him, so...

Hanksgiving.

Hey, girl

What you doing?

Hey, girl

Where you going?

- Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl?

- Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl?

It's Jess

Don't worry, guys, I will do everything.

Are we gonna be able to hang out
with Paul...

or is he also a teacher?
- He's a guy's guy.

He spends Thanksgiving with his nana.
She passed away.

That's a great plan, Jess.
Be the girl who replaces his dead nana.

I know.

Guys, look, this is a bad idea.
He's gonna be our fifth roommate.

- It's a first date.
- We don't know him, okay?

We gotta figure out
whether he's right for us.

- We deserve to be happy.
- You guys, don't even get up.

Just enjoy your beers. It's gonna be great.

Just curious, does anybody know
anything about cooking?

No pressure.
Just, like, cooking a turkey, for example.

It says you need some kind of string.

- Trussing string.
- Don't.

- That's a good tip. You got more?
- Here's a tip.

Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner
for five people in 14 hours.

Here's another tip.
Don't ask a guy out on a first date...

on the least sexy holiday in America.

- What are the most sexy holidays?
- Most sexy holidays are Fourth of July, uh...

independence Day, obviously...

Women's History Month and Christmas.

- Will you help me?
- Definitely not.

What if I invite Cece?

Don't do it, Schmidt.
Beer, football, Black Friday.

Thanksgiving with Cece.

No, Schmidt.
- Okay.

- No, no, no.
- No, Schmidt.

I wanna let you know up front
I've got control issues in the kitchen.

If I'm gonna do this,
I don't want you touching anything.

I don't wanna hear,
"You're using too much tarragon."

- Because I'm not.
- You will never hear that from me.

- I'm in.
- Come on, Schmidt.

Yes! So this guy is gonna thaw out
by tomorrow, right?

What are we, scientists?

Oh.

- Hey, look, it's ready.
- What am I gonna do?

He comes in three hours!

Oh, God.

- I can't get it in!
- We've all been here, am I right?

Jar.

Maybe if I take off
clothes and get in bed...

the heat of my body will warm it up.
- This is turning me on a bit.

It is?

- Hey, guys.
- Cece. Thank God.

Come here and lie on the turkey with me.

- Yeah, do that.
- Yeah, do it. That would be good.

- This is a terrible idea.
- Yeah, 100 percent.

- I put it on permanent press.
- Good, so you don't have to iron it.

- No. He's here early. How do I look?
- It's better if you don't know.

- Hi. Come on in.
- Hey. All right.

- Paul, everybody.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Welcome to our home.
- Thank you. Hey.

It ain't so quirky to eat a lot of turkey

On the Thanksgiving Day

My belly's wanting something

A pie made out of pumpkin

In every gobble-gobble way

I didn't know you were going back-to-back.

Happy Thanksgiving.
- There's two of them.

It's good to see you.

- So I'm just gonna freshen up.
- Oh, thanks.

And I'll be right back.

I roll my eyes at you

I forgot to tell you.
Paul brought his violin...

and with a little coaxing,
he might fiddle with the old horsehairs.

Well, uh, only if you don't mind
being enchanted.

- I just wanna watch the game.
- Hey, Nick.

Can I talk to you?

I need you not to do
that thing that you do.

- What thing? I don't do a thing.
- You get mean and you make that turtle face.

- Okay, I don't make a turtle face.
- Talk to him like a normal human being.

Not about politics or
small business loans...

or the Google conspiracy thing, okay?

I've only seen him at school
and I wanna wow him tonight.

He's the only guy I've liked since Spencer.

I'm not good at this stuff,
so please just help me.

All right, fine, I'll help you.

Shake on that, pardner?

I don't want to do it like that, though.

- Fair enough.
- Fair enough.

Can I sit here?

Hip-hop, hooray, ho, hey, ho

- Parsley?
- Yup.

Guy roommates.

Three guys.

It's intimidating.

I gotta be honest,
it's intimidating coming to that arena.

It's hard to get to know people.

It's like
Goldilocks and the Three Bears.

Bet you're the bear who has
the bed that's just right.

- It's a teacherjoke, sorry.
- Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

So I get to know you and you can know me...

- Yeah.
...we'll play a game.

- Oh, great. Fun, yeah.
- All right.

You're gonna say the first thing
that pops in your head.

Kazoo.

Okay, we haven't even started yet.

Okay. Look, I'm gonna stick with kazoo.

Right, okay. Um...

- Boundaries.
- Important.

- Okay. Um, other people's stuff.
- Private.

Good. Um...

Loud early morning sex.

Nice work if you can get some.

- Hey, Paul.
- Hey, Nicholas.

- What's going on? Nicholas, wow.
- Playing word-association games.

- Kicking back pumpkin ales.
- I think that's a lager, right?

Mm-mm.

This is an ale.
Has to do with fermentation process.

Could be. Hey, do you wanna
watch football? Maybe the Lions?

Ah, yes! The mighty, mighty Lions
of Des Moines.

They play every Thanksgiving
because they're the most ferocious.

- Lions from Detroit. Detroit Lions.
- That's another...

What you gobbling about, turkeys?

Anyone who tells you the future of gravy
is nitrogen-based...

is cooking with blinders on, Cece.

What is...? Are you...?
Ahem, did you wash your hands?

- I'll wash them after.
- No. See, just... Can you just stop?

Because now the entire bowl of walnuts
is compromised.

Wow, you're very sanitary.
Do you wash your hands 10 times a day?

Okay, look, don't worry, Cece.

If I need to, I can get my hands dirty.
I mean, I get dirty all over.

Would you eat this filthy walnut?

- Yeah, I mean... Yeah.
- Okay, open your mouth.

- Yeah...
- Open your mouth.

No!

Beautiful savage.

- Oh, intermission.
- No, it's halftime.

It's parade time.

It's robot turkey. It
was Grandma's favorite.

We used to love
watching the parade together.

She was the best.

Check it out. Here she is.

Here's the lady.

- Oh, she's beautiful.
- Yeah.

We used to get in the funniest
arm-wrestling matches.

Hey, uh, can I show you something?

Uh...

- Picture here. That's my grandpa.
- Aw.

Died last year.

- I'm so sorry. Sorry, Winston.
- Thanks. Thanks, man.

It's okay. This picture was when he tried
to quit drinking.

Heh, heh, heh.
That was a bad idea for everybody.

This is the first time he tried gelato.
He did not like that.

What was his name?

His name was Nelson.

- Hey, Schmidt, how's it going?
- Well, I need some walnuts. I have no walnuts.

I should go get those. You stay here.

Though, shoot.
I have had two pumpkin ales.

I probably shouldn't get behind the wheel.

Nick, how many pumpkin ales
have you had?

Oh, I've had zero pumpkin ales.

Then can you take Paul to the store, right?

We'll get some walnuts
Getting some walnuts

I'm sorry, man,
are you singing about what we're doing?

Yeah, guess I was. Sometimes
I don't even realize I'm doing it.

Where are you from?

- Chicago.
- Oh, land of plenty.

It's weird being in L.A.
It doesn't feel Thanksgiving.

It feels like there should be, like, a little nip
in the air, you know? A little bit of like...

- Yeah, totally.
- An autumn crisp.

- So Jess said you're a lawyer, right?
- I dropped out of law school.

- I had three semesters to go.
- Oh, what?

So close.

Still trying to figure it out?
That's what your 20s are for.

I'm 30, so...

Yeah.

Oh.

Mr. Copycat.
That's where I get my copies made.

- No way!
- Yep.

- You get your copies there?
- I don't. It was the other one.

- Oh, you have got to be kidding me, man.
- No.

That's right. I need long sustained mashes.

Oh, hey, you've got something
on your nose right...

What?

No!

What is wrong with you?

Look at this recipe. Look.
Where in this recipe does it say:

"Put mashed potatoes
on Schmidt's nose"?

Look at it. No. Here? Here? Here?

- Go on, show me!
- Schmidt!

- Oh, hey.
- Paul, move.

We got the nuts, Jess.

- I don't think Nick likes me very much.
- No.

Turkey!

Turkey's on fire! Fire!

Jar.

- It's like a Prince video.
- Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.
I really wanted you to have a good time.

Remember when it was
only dudes living here?

This is ridiculous. Three months ago,
we didn't know this girl.

My LASIK'd eye is freaking out.

That's it, we're leaving.
Let's get out of here.

- I've had a great time.
- Paul, I am so sorry.

Going to the bar. Can't get rid of smoke.

Wait. Wait.

Wait, wait! We can still do this.
What are you guys doing?

I have been dying to try that food you've been cooking.
You've been slaving away in there.

- What's your name again?
- Schmidt.

- Right.
- It's my last name.

Well, my last name is Genzlinger...

and I'd like to eat the food
you've been making all day, Schmidt.

Yeah, all right. Genzlinger.

- I'm with Genzlinger.
- I have an idea.

Let's go next door.

Mrs. Beverly is great. She's visiting her sister
but she gave me her spare key for emergencies.

So we're breaking and entering.
That's a felony, FYI.

Hey, law school. Nice.

No, we're not breaking in.

I gave her a key to our place too.

She sometimes has a problem
with her shower.

No, not you.

You promised me you'd be nice to him.

I was nice to him. I've
been very nice to Paul.

The ride over I was nice to him.
Know what he tells me?

He likes Air Bud 2.

He loves dogs.
I know where he gets his copies made.

He likes to whistle.
He wanted to open the door with me.

So when my hand went up, so did his.

Oh, I get it. He's not cool enough for you.

Because nobody can be cool enough
for cool Nick Miller.

"I'm Nick Miller.
I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face."

- Why don't you like him?
- Do you like him?

- Of course I like him.
- Okay, fine!

It doesn't matter what I think, does it?

- Because I don't have to have sex with him.
- I do.

I want to.
I want to have sex with him bigtime.

- Great.
- You heard me! Bigtime! Okay?

I wanna take him down to Chinatown...

and slice him off a piece
of this pumpkin pie, okay?

- What is pumpkin pie?
- Do all the things you do...

in a bedroom with him, okay?

I wanna do it standing
up and sitting down...

and half up and half down.

And the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack,
and the claws in the head...

and the one figure skaters do,
the What's For Lunch, the Give Me That Hat.

Let's just say that I'm good.
I'm really, really good.

- And I don't care what you think!
- Then why did you ask me?

Hey, Jess.

Uh, just want you to know
everyone really loves Paul.

And also,
we can hear everything you're saying.

- What?
- Play through.

After you, Jess.

Excuse me.

So, uh, just a heads up.

Uh, we're just rehearsing a play
that Nick is writing.

It's called Big-Time.

It's about a man...

who, um, loves another man
named Paul...

and it's not very good.

I'm so sorry.

I've done Give Me That Hat. Only...

Only for me it was like, I...

You know, I was like, "Here, take my hat."

Do you know what I mean?

So how bad was it
on a scale from one to bad?

Put it this way. A normal guy would've
left a long time ago and he's still here.

He's not normal.

Schmidt yelled at me earlier.

Ah, I'm so sorry. Did he get weird?
He's weird about cooking.

Did you touch his whisk?

No, the thing is, Jess,
is I think I'm into him.

What? Oh, God.

He's got this rage inside
of him, I just love it.

Hey, Schmidt?

It's hour nine. I'm starving.

Well, I can blanch or I can talk,
but I can't do both.

I'm going in.

Nick.

I gotta say something to you.

I feel like you think I'm kind of annoying.

You didn't have to come here to say that.

If that's the case,
which I don't know that it is...

- It is.
- I don't care. I actually feel sorry for you.

At this point in your life,
I know you'll never dislike me...

more than you dislike yourself.
- That's what you're going with, Violin?

Want a little napkin-folding music?

Kind of need it.

- I can't believe you're still here.
- What? Of course I'm still here.

Why wouldn't I be here?

Hey.

Let's talk about what happened earlier.

Because you made me feel
like I was a really bad girl.

I know I did, and I'm really sorry, Cece.

I'll never yell at you like that again.

- How about now?
- Pl...

- Please don't do that.
- Got my dirty little hands in your pudding.

So gr... It's so gross. Please.

Oh, God.

- Mm.
- Ahem.

- So gross.
- Yell.

- I'd rather you not do that.
- Haven't washed my hands since 3:00.

- I'm gonna double-dip.
- It's so gross.

How about now?

It's all the way... It's all the
way in there, with all the...

It's so unsanitary. Please, just put it...

I'm begging you to...
Please just take the towel.

This may be none of my business,
but I really have to ask you.

Did anything happen between you and Nick?

- Like, did you guys go out or...?
- What?

- Because I don't wanna get in the middle of...
- No. No, no, no.

- No.
- Good.

Because I really wanna see you again.

Bigtime.

- Bigtime.
- Bigtime.

- Like the play.
- Yeah.

- Cool play.
- It is.

- Do you really like him, Winston?
- Yes, man.

He asked me my grandpa's name.
You've never asked me my grandpa's name.

I always just thought he was your grandpa.

- You don't know my grandpa's name.
- Mason on your dad's...

or Charles on your mom's?

- Yeah, it's Mason and Charles.
- Oh, baby.

Oh, that looks lovely.
- Genzlinger.

Schmidt!

- Yeah, buddy.
- You kidding me?

- It looks incredible.
- It does.

Play something for us before we start.

- Before? Oh, no, no.
- Yes. Please?

- You're all hungry.
- You wanna do it.

- Just do it.
- Please?

- Twist my arm.
- Yeah.

All right.
- Yeah.

- Duet from the pageant, huh?
- Oh.

- Big entrance.
- Okay.

Native Americans, gather ye round...

for I have a new friend
I've met in the forest.

Dead body! Dead body!

Holy God!

- There's a dead body.
- A dead body.

There's a dead body!
There's a dead body!

- Oh, that is real. That's a real thing.
- Oh, God.

Poor Mrs. Beverly.

Oh, Miss Beverly from the mailboxes.

- I'm so sorry, Paul.
- Oh, it was so fun.

- I had a great time.
- Anytime, bro.

We're gonna go to a Best Buy later
and grab a new dryer.

- Totally stop by if you need anything.
- Oh, good, good, okay. Thank you.

Oh, okay. Thanks. All right, cool.

- Hey.
- No, no, no.

Coming in. Coming in.

Guys.

- No, no, no.
- Get clear.

- At least she died doing what she loved.
- She was on the toilet, Jess.

- I'm starving.
- Really?

Even after that great meal we didn't have?

Aw, come on, Jess.
Are you gonna be mad at me all night?

Are you cold?

Do you want my cardie?

What's that?

- You came.
- Yeah.

When I was on that elevator ride, the
coroners told me to stop crying like a girl.

- Told them that was sexist.
- You're right.

I am right.
And then I just decided life is too short.

Went around the corner,
picked up turkey subs for your friends.

- Yup.
- They're footlongers.

And here I am. Just a man and his violin.

- You're amazing.
- Hey, no cutting!

- Is he cutting?
- He's not.

- Guys! We got a cutter here!
- Calm down, pal.

- Stop.
- Not cutting.

He's not. He's... I saved his spot.

Calm down. Everybody, calm down.
- False alarm!

He's just doing fair tradesies.

Honestly, stop overreacting to cutting!

I'm going to the back.
This spot's for Paul.

Thanks, Nick.
- Thank you, Nick.

Hey. Nick.

Wait.

- Let's go. Come on.
- Hey, I'll go back there too.

Thursday in November November

- That is when we remember
- The day we remember

How the Pilgrims would have died

It's gonna get a lot worse
before it gets better.

Without the friendship of a tribe

Oh

Why don't you take the fiddle?

And fiddle it up and fiddle it down

Fiddle it all over town

Thanks, Nick.

Woo-hoo! Do-si-do.

Where the hell are they going?