New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 17 - Fancyman Part 1 - full transcript

Buying a phone's a big deal.

I mean think of how long
you'll have this thing.

It's like buying
a car or a bra.

Eight years, man.
(snaps) Ow.

Hey, uh, sorry, I was just
checking your credit score,

and I got this number
that's crazily low,

so I'll try again.

Don't bother.
I'm sure it's right.

- Seriously?
- Are you kidding me?

250?! You get 150
just for being alive.

SALESMAN:
Hey, Mojan!



Got a 250 credit score!

Well, I guess the $40 I saved
on that Gap card didn't pay off.

Do you have, like,
a box of charity phones

you're sending to Africa?

- Can he just have one of those?
- Claire, Brendan,

this guy's got
a 250 credit score.

We're bringing everybody out?

Look at this.
(laughing)

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been
doing this a long time.

I've just never seen
a score this low.

Did you just wake up
from a coma?

But you've always
wanted a thing.

This could be your thing,
like, the guy with no phone.

Well, who is that guy?



I don't want to be that guy.

No, no, no,
it's like mysterious.

It's like,
"I want to call Nick Miller."

"You can't;
He doesn't have a phone."

"What?!"

You can go all Ghost Protocol
on everyone.

See, that's cool.

I mean, I always wanted
to be a mole person.

SHELBY: Schmidt, you're the
Michael Jordan of bar trivia.

We were in the
Greek mythology zone.

I mean, you knew
every question.

SCHMIDT:
Perseus, Icarus, Medusa...

Medeuce, deuce!

Guys, you're shouting.

I mean, you knew every answer.

Like, what was
the tiebreaker you got?

Calvin Coolidge's birthplace?

Little Plymouth Notch, son.

Wow, I'm done with this.
Hey, Shelby...

I mean, seriously,
how did you know that?

Question:
How do you forget that?

Answer: You don't.

Jar!

I'm gonna jar myself
on that one.

- He's like a trivia god.
- Girl, get up.

Winston,
don't worry about it, man.

It's your public school
education.

You'll catch up.
(door slams)

Jar again.

Excuse me?

Oh, hi.

Yeah, hi, hi, I'm Russell
Schiller, Sarah's dad.

- Oh, yes.
- We spoke on the phone.

I'm Jessica Day.

Did you just curtsy?

I did, yes; I did.

Is this a bad time?

Nope, no, no, no,
I was just cleaning up

from the sexual health class.

I had to take condoms

off 30 cucumbers,

and condoms are harder
to take off than I thought.

I know how to put them on,

but I didn't know
how to take them off.

I guess someone else
has always done it for me.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just got
off a flight from London.

Maybe I'm a little out of it.

(British accent):
Oh, London.

Did you have a busy sch...

(British pronunciation):
Se-dule?

Did you have fun?

No, I was advising a merger.

Oh, fair enough.

Um, you wanted to talk to me
about Sarah's art.

So, this is one
of the pieces she did.

Um...

(chuckles)

That one's called, um,

"At the Mall with Grandma."

She made that in dream-cess,
which is where, um,

I let the kids have time
to create something.

Sarah's gonna be opting out
of dream-cess from now on.

She'll use that same time

to review her other schoolwork
with a tutor.

Oh, did you talk to Sarah
about this?

Well, I don't need to.

I want her to know fractions
before she goes to high school.

- Well, I follow the curriculum.
- My daughter is wearing doll's heads

around her neck, so
whatever you're doing,

keep it up.

Okay, I talk to your daughter
every single day.

Do you?
Because hiring a tutor

is not the same thing
as spending time with her.

I'm her father,
not her friend.

I know what she needs.

Give my best to Mrs. Monogamy.

Cheerio.

He's the third largest
donor in the city.

We take his money and then what,
we have to answer to him?

So, you're asking me
to give up my integrity?

That's what
I'm telling you to do.

Yes, we need his money.

So, he pulls his donation.

You know what?
I'll raise the money myself.

I'll get a ragtag group
of kids together.

A lost soul, an orphan,

a Jewish kid with a keyboard,

a little slut who can dance,

and one fatso,

and I'll choreograph
some dances,

make a show.

You did that already, Jess.

It's called the spring musical,
and it literally brought in $60.

Please don't make
me apologize.

You're gonna go to his office.

You're gonna say
that you were wrong.

Say you're never gonna let
the kids do anything creative

ever again.

From now on,

your classroom
is full-on North Korea:

Math! Math! Math!

Make sure he doesn't
pull the donation.

When he was yelling at you,

did do that little thing
with his mouth?

You know,
that little smile thing?

You know, like,
like where he goes, "Mmm"?

That's really weird, Tanya.

Apologize.

Why did you make
me look stupid

- in front of Shelby
last nigh? - Wait, what?

Which of the five
great lakes is located

entirely in the United States?

- Lake Erie?
- Yeah, if Lake Michigan didn't exist

and we won a fictional
U.S.-Canada war.

- Lake Michigan.
- Correct!

Oh, you want me
to take a dive next time?

- Take a dive?
- You know, like pretend like

you know more than me
when Shelby's around,

so it seems like
you're smarter.

I know you'd do the same thing
for me if I were the dumber one.

Wow, okay,
so let me get this straight:

You think because you know a
few facts about Princess Kate,

- that makes you smarter than me?
- First of all,

Kate is a duchess and
whip-smart by all accounts.

And second of all,
don't be so prideful.

Look, man, there's
nothing wrong

with being the second smartest
in the loft.

You know what,
let me take that back.

Jess is a teacher of children.

You memorize facts.

I can memorize facts.

That doesn't make you smart.

Okay, well, maybe,

but I'm definitely smarter
than you.

Whew! Glutes are done, my man.

I'm gonna go to
the stairwell,

work on my calves. Come with?

Hell, no.

You sure?

JESS:
I have to grovel.

I hate groveling.

I would have lasted
two seconds

in the court of the Sun King.

- I think about that all the time.
- You do?

Do you know how much I grovel
on a daily basis?

It is literally obscene.

Come the weekend,

I'm the one
who's filling up my cart

with Fila, Nautica,
Impulse Fila,

Hilfiger, CK,

BR Leather cuff,

and more Fila.

This is the problem, Jess.

It's rich people.

We are right
where they want us, Jess:

Just suckling on the
teat of consumerism.

- Yeah. - That's the exact reason
I got rid of my phone.

You were denied a cell phone

because you have the credit
score of a homeless ghost.

How I got here doesn't matter.

You weigh more
than your credit score.

I'm here now,

- and I'm loving it.
- Yeah.

I'm the guy with no phone.

I mean, right now,

I'm writing a letter
to my friend, Kev,

seeing if he wants to party
with me this Friday.

"What up, Kev?

"You in?

- Nick Miller."
- Yeah, Nick,

he might pull the funding
from the school,

so I'm just a little bit...

Blame your period.

I've actually
done this before.

I mean, both parties knew

that I was lying, obviously,

but it didn't matter
because they knew

that I had utterly
humiliated myself,

and at the end of the day,
they respected that.

I'm sorry; I just feel like

someone should suggest
a simple apology.

I know that's not where
we're headed here,

but I'm just gonna
go on record

and say, I think
you should apologize

- like a human.
- No!

No! I'm going with Nick

'cause I don't think
I have to apologize.

NICK: Yeah, Jess, so
march into his office,

and say, "Hey, Mr. Fancyman,
you can't tell me what to do.

"Your money

doesn't own me."

And then throw
away your phone.

Yeah, I'm gonna throw my phone
into the fiery chasm

where he keeps
his poor people.

Actually, scratch that.

My mom's got your number
in case of emergency.

I want her to think that I can
bring something to the table.

I care
about this girl, Elvin.

I want her
to be my girlfriend.

She sees me, all she sees is a
part-time nanny, and that's...

You are a part-time nanny.

I want her to think I'm smart.

What about fake glasses?

It worked for me.

Okay, okay,
I'm on my way to his office,

and I have a speech
I wrote for Fancyman,

and I want to practice it.

Why are you listening
to Nick?

It is a horrible idea.

Ghost Protocol, man.

You're using my phone.

It's not Ghost Protocol.

It's you using my phone.

This is a group call; I'm just
talking in my living room,

and it happens to
go into that box.

Okay, I'm gonna start with a
quote against social Darwinism,

then a discussion
of the Gilded Age,

the robber barons,
the Great Society,

how we ended up
with a huge wealth disparity

in this country,

and then, I end
with a bluegrass version

of Public Enemy's
"Fight the Power."

Bad finish.

(engine knocking)

SCHMIDT:
What is that?

Are you driving a lawn mower?

No, I just...

(drivers yelling)

It's my car.

NICK: Look, this is a
great opportunity.

You need to ask yourself,

where are you even going?

SCHMIDT: Buy a new car.
NICK: You don't need a car.

(Nick and Shmidt bickering)
Oh, my car's stalled out.

Can you guys come
and help me push it?

Yeah, we'll be down
in a few minutes.

MAN:
Hey, can I help you?

What? Oh, hi.

Um,

Uh, Mr. Schiller, um,

- how'd you know I was here?
- I was driving by and I saw you.

My office is right here.

Oh, oh, what a coincidence.

I had no idea.

Weird.

What's wrong with the car?

Guy sounds like
matinee idol.

Shut up, Schmidt.

I'm just pushing it
to the nearest gas station.

It's like, a mile away,
so I'm fine.

I know a guy;
He'll be here in ten.

- Oh, no, Mr. Schiller.
- Russell.

Mr. Schiller, I can
take care of myself.

It's how I was raised;
I wasn't raised with money,

so when something broke,
we pretended it still worked.

Some of my best memories
are pushing this car around

on family vacations.

(phone chirping)

Okay.

Oh, yeah, tow truck's
on the way.

Look, that's very nice
and generous of you,

but I really... I-I mean,
I need my car, and...

Here, let me help you.

Take mine.

- What?
- Take mine.

- Here.
- No.

Come on. Take mine.

Uh, I don't know how
to drive cars that work.

You can drop it off
tomorrow night.

I'm having a party, a cookout.

Come on over any time.
Come on.

Thank you so much.

This is amazing.

I will return it
washed and polished.

- Do you think it's a superhero?
- No.

I think it's Jess
and some weird guy.

Miss Day?

Jess--
you can call me Jess.

Great, I'll see
you tomorrow, Jess.

Go is the one on the right.

The one on the left is stop.

(quietly)
Thanks.

- What kind of car is it?
- We are the 99%.

- Is it an SL?
- We the 99%.

Does it have a push ignition?

Does it have a push ignition?

Please tell me
it's not a hybrid.

And then he gives me his car,
just hands me the keys.

It's like so...

Rich people! They're always
giving you their cars.

It's like, let them eat cars.

You know what he's doing?

He's taking back the power,

so I have to go
to his cookout,

and instead of standing up
to him,

I have to grovel.

Just a thought:

- What if he likes you?
-(scoffs) No, I hate him.

This guy is single
and he's sweet.

Sweet? No.

He's not sweet.

I would never go for that guy.

- Why?
- Because he's the type of guy

who has a linen closet
and a towel warmer.

You know me.

I'm only attracted to guys

who are afraid of success

and think someone famous
stole their idea.

I like an underdog.

- Spencer didn't even own sheets.
- Yeah. He slept

- on a pile of washcloths.
- Can I say something

to you now that
you're not gonna like?

- Yeah. - Maybe Russell
intimidates you.

Because you wouldn't have
to take care of him,

because he would
take care of you,

and that just terrifies you.

Uh, no.

Spencer...
wore... jellies.

How many pounds
in a metric ton?

2,204.6. Next.

In 1948, Albert
became the first...

- American...
- ...American monkey in space.

Let's go.

- This ancient...
- Mesopotamia. Hit me.

You don't actually know
what a Mesopotamia is.

Of course I know what Mesopotamia is.
Don't be crazy.

Use it in a sentence.

Look, there's Mesopotamia.

JESS:
So I'm going to have to draw

on your hatred of rich
people for this, okay?

Hate me up.

Well, for starters,
look at this place.

I know. Ugh.

I'm betting at one point
there was a moat.

Rich boy punk.
(laughs)

This hallway's excessive.
It's braggy.

Well, I guess
everyone's out back.

Ugh, look at this place, Jess.
Are you kidding me?

It's so over-the-top.

A kitchen island?
Be a man!

- Let your counter attach to itself.
- I know.

It's like, I can't chop
vegetables over here.

I need to do it over here.
Love me, love me.

I mean, we're making an egg,

not going to outer space,
guys, right?

Right. Nice burn.

JESS:
Whoa.

Makes me want to sit
by the fire,

and talk about how
annoying Gandhi is.

Whoa, something's
happening to me, Jess.

I want to sit at that desk

- and veto a law.
- What are you doing, Nick?

- That's someone else's stuff.
- Jess, when I put my hand on this desk,

I feel sexually proficient
for the first time in my life.

Nick, this man stands
for everything you hate.

I'm President Miller!
You're all fired!

Bring our boys home.

Okay, this is how
evil geniuses are born.

You smell that?
It smells like leather

and Teddy Roosevelt
and wistfulness.

I want to wear this cap.

You're not helping me!

Nick, I know
this room is beautiful,

gentlemanly, and...
smells like Christmas,

but you have to stay strong.

I'm gonna go find Russell.

Keep...
playing with that duck.

I want to kill you.

Because I respect you.

I think I understand hunting!

Hello, Russell.

Hey, Jess.
Thanks for coming.

Oh, the mechanic called.
Your car's done.

He also wanted me
to communicate to you

that you need
to change your oil.

(sighs)

I want to, first of all,
say thank you, Russell.

Um, and second of all,
I want to say, um,

I know you donate a lot of
money to this school, but...

- You think I'm a snob.
- No. No.

No, I have nothing
against people who...

live in enormous mansions.

Jess, I'm 42.

I've made a lot of money,
and I enjoy spending it.

- Oh, you've got to try
one of these. - Oh.

Deconstructed spring roll.

- It's delicious.
- Oh.

- Try it.
- Oh.

Oh, my God!

This is so amazing
I want to punch you!

(laughs)
Russell! Russell.

Come tell Carolyn about that
time you delivered that baby.

Oh. Yeah.

You delivered a baby? Just...
it was twins, actually.

Twins?

Are you wearing my sweater?

No. Yes. It was on the back
of the chair.

So I thought the sweater
belonged to the chair.

I thought it was
a chair sweater.

Those exist.

I'm Nick.

- Oh, you know Jess.
- Yes.

I'm Jess' roommate.
I'm the guy with no phone,

if she's told you.
That's my thing.

- No phones.
- Why don't you have a phone?

Because I don't want to be
tied to some corporate system.

That, and no one
would give me one.

I have incredibly
low credit ratings.

Yeah.

When I was your age, I had
a really skinny ponytail,

and I think I was living off
of selling my own blood.

That's funny.
Then what happened?

One day you just woke up
and you had all this?

Well, I realized
I wanted to grow up.

- That's what happened.
- Um...

I got this as a gift from the
company for Christmas, so...

Oh, wow, that's great.

My boss gave me three credit
cards he found at the bar,

and said, "You didn't
get these from me."

It's a bartender joke.
I'm a bartender. We...

We don't steal credit cards.
Cool, cool.

Here. Take it.
No, no, I can't take your phone, man.

I can't... it's just...

it feels really
good in my hand.

Is it possible to be sexually
attracted to an object?

Yes, it is.
It really is.

- You can keep the sweater.
- Thanks, I...

I don't know why I put it on,
to be honest with you.

I just came in here, and it
smelled like Shakespeare,

if Shakespeare were
a damn cowboy.

And hawk's nests, and boat fuel,
and cigars and burping...

- man stuff!
- Yeah, yeah, enjoy it.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- I appreciate you.
- Yeah, yeah. Sure.

Hey, Russell, why are you
being so nice to me?

Well, you're
Jess's friend, right?

Now, you fold that sweater.

Don't hang it.

You listening to me?
Fold it.

Ah, I don't care.
Do whatever you want.

That was really funny, man!

Why did I...?

Bidet!

Bidet if I do.

(bidet speaking Japanese)

(overlapping Japanese words)

Oh, my God!
(screams)

- Oh, my gosh. Shut up.
RUSSELL: Jess, is that you?

- Oh, God! Oh, God.
RUSSELL: What's wrong?

Sorry, Jess.
I'm coming in.

- Oh, my God.
- What's going on?

- Oh, my God! I just...
- Wait, wait, wait.

- Ow! - No, I just
pressed some buttons

- with cartoon characters on them.
- Yeah, it's Japanese.

Of course it's
a Japanese bidet.

Of course you have
a Japanese bidet.

Look, Russell,
I want to tell you

that I am not sorry
about what I said

because Sara is 12,
and she is creative,

and I don't care
if you pull your donation,

- I am not gonna grovel...
- Why did you think I was

going to pull the donation?
I would never do that.

(bidet repeating
Japanese phrase) Okay.

Oh, jeez.

It is some really
deep cleaning here.

- Oh, God.
- No, Jess, Jess!

- Wait!
- Oh!

Jess, you put it up
to six happy faces.

I've never gone past three.

Jess, why are we leaving?

And why are you all wet?

Okay, did you take a bath in his
tub because you wanted to see

what it'd feel like to be him?

'Cause, weirdly, I get that.

No. I want to leave

because we don't
fit in here, Nick.

I know that I've been saying
you can't give into this guy,

but I don't think that you
should run from him, either.

'Cause no matter where you go,
he could find you.

I believe that.

No, running's good.
I'm gonna run.

Hey, Jess, stop.

Look, this may
complicate things,

but I'm in love with him.

Shut up!
No, I won't shut up.

He smells like strong coffee

and going to see a man
about a horse.

You're ridiculous, Nick.
Let's go.

I am ridiculous, okay, but no.

Be a grown-up.

He likes you, Jess.

Go back in there.

I think it'd be good for you.

And I'm not just saying that
because I'm in love with him.

(scoffs)

Just do it.

Don't be intimidated just
because you're just younger,

poorer and wetter
than everybody in there.

Goldfinger!
I mean, no, no.

I meant to say
Golden-Golden Hind!

Golden Hind is
what I meant to say.

- No...
- Winston,

you are all over the place.

The Green Bay Packers did not
invent the T formation,

nor was Crispin Glover
the first man to die

- in the Revolutionary War.
- Shh.

- This is supposed to be fun.
- Look, Babe, it is fun.

I just don't want to look
stupid in front of everybody.

- All right?
- You're not stupid.

Well, I mean,
he did skip Earth

when listing the planets.

SHELBY: What has
gotten into you today?

I just... I just didn't want
you to think I was an idiot.

You tried to memorize all the
trivia answers? Winston!

I don't want some smart,
rich guy who owns his own car.

I want to be with you.

I don't care if you don't know
Ernest Hemingway's birthplace.

Oak Park, Illinois.

So, what are you saying?

Are we doing this?
Is this real?

Like, are you my girlfriend?

Because if that's
what you're saying,

then that would
make me very happy.

Mm, me, too.

Shelby, be careful
with his mustache, please.

- Mmm.
- It's very delicate.

I can't watch this anymore.

Winston, I hope
you're better in bed

because your street work
is embarrassing.

Am I talking too much?
I don't want to ruin the moment.

You know what? If this was
my grandmother's building,

she'd be outside
on the patio,

and she'd be
yelling down at you,

and she'd be saying,

"You look beautiful.

"The two of you are
a beautiful couple.

I'm glad you found
one another."

But she wouldn't invite you up
because she's a horrible racist.

You want me
to put on some Jodeci?

There you are.
I was looking for you.

Okay....

- Listen.
- Uh-huh.

I'm not used to people
who have it all together.

I think... you scare me.

Oh, no, no, I don't...

I don't have it all together.

I don't even know
how to talk to my own kid.

I can't even remember
the last time she hugged me

and used both arms.

She said she wanted
to go bra shopping,

and so I bought
her a ski vest.

Look, every eye roll

means you're doing
something right.

- Really?
- No, that's just what

I tell parents to make
them feel better.

Jess, will you have dinner
with me?

Yes.

Great. Good.

Sh-Should I, um,
text you, or...?

- No. I'll call.
- Great.

- Okay, cool.
- All right, cool.

(gasps)
Oh, no... Hey, Jess.

Jess, why are you
in the koi pond?!

- Jess, are you okay?
JESS: Oh, God, oh, God.

RUSSELL: Okay, come here.
- Oh, God!

- Koi in my dress!
- Let me help you.

Koi in my dress!

RUSSELL:
Are you all right?

Oh, you got a fish
in your dress.

I didn't ask you!
I'm talking to you!

You want to come in here and
charge me a billion dollars?

(laughs)

That's nothing to me!

Want it? Want it?

You're off the streets.

I don't want to, either.

You're the best cop I got!

As President Miller of Earth,

I'd like to speak to the
Galactic Emperor, please.

Yeah, it's about money.

I'm gonna push a piece
of paper across the desk

that I've written
a little number on.

Why don't I just tell you?
It's five kabillion dollars.

So, what do you say?

Is China mine, Mr. Ying?