New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 16 - Control - full transcript

Here?
You're dropping me off here?

R-Right in front
of this obvious pickpocket?

Look at the size
of that guy.

He's clearly new homeless.

We're a mile away
from the loft, Cece.

I'm not getting caught with you.

I'm gonna have to run
all the way home.

And I have
my slippiest loafers on.

If I were you, I would
get walking right now.

You're never gonna
get home before dawn.

Okay, look, I'm fine with you
not telling anybody about us,



but you cannot just
call me at anytime

and just summon me
for intercourse.

I have no control here,

and I'm stressed out
all day long.

It's like you're ripping
the side block

out of my mental Jenga.

I'm totally falling apart.

Okay, Schmidt, you...

you really need to
learn to take a breath

and calm down, all right?

We're just being
a little spontaneous.

Words that have never been
used to describe Schmidt:

"spontaneous, flexible,
easy-going."

- I'm like a Marine.
- You're nothing like a Marine.



I'm totally like a Marine, all right?
You know what? Fine...

I'm...
I'm out of here.

Take these,

and take care of them--
I can get a tetanus shot,

but I can't cure
damaged suede.

Can you believe
I found this on the street?

Who would want
to throw this away?

A blind man who
suddenly recovered his sight?

Get rid of it, Jess--
pine has no place in this loft.

It's the wood of poor
people and outhouses.

I pay rent,

so I think that gives me the
right to add a few things.

Jess...

you're wrong.

Okay?

My answer's no.

Well, my answer is yes.

- I'm keeping the hutch.
- I had a bad night.

I'm really, I'm just asking you,
please d-don't push me.

'Cause then I'll have to reinstate
my ban on high-waisted shorts.

- You would not dare.
- Try me.

That was the worst
four weeks of my life.

# Hey, girl #

# What you doing? #

# Hey, girl #

# Where you going? #

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

# It's Jess. #

1x16
- Control -

Hey, Winston,

why are you still drinking?

It is 10:00 in the morning, man.

Yeah, I know what it'll
feel like when I stop,

so I'm just gonna stay
a little drunk, forever.

Well, why is there no girl
version of you, my man?

Moving on.

So, last night's poker game.

Got pretty intense.

I don't even know what
you're talking about--

I was so hammered last night.

I've never been more sober
in my whole life.

I'll remember this
as long as I live.

I'm all in.
Uno, bitches.

Read 'em and weep.

- Straight flush.
- Aw!

So, what do I owe you, 20 bucks?

- 20 bucks?
- Yeah.

You owe me $487.

Come on, Winston!

Aah! Schmidt
makes me so mad!

I want to put one thing,

one thing in the living room,

and he won't let me.

I'm not putting up with this.

Oh, yes, you are.

We live in a fragile ecosystem.

It's a delicate balance.

It's a broken ecosystem,

- dominated by an apex predator.
- Chill out, Jess.

We let him run the house,
no big deal.

The boy cooks and cleans--
and happily, I might add.

Yeah, he probably
couldn't sleep last night

'cause he was so excited
to clean up after us.

I know he's been
bad lately, but...

Schmidt's an odd bird.

He can't handle
it when things

aren't clean and orderly.

It's been that way
since the day he moved in.

Welcome to your
new home, Schmidt.

Come on, play ball.

Coming home!

Well, I'm fed up with it.

And he's got to
learn how to relax.

And, Nick, why
do you have...

cannons drawn
all over your back?

Those aren't cannons, Jess.

Long-stem mushrooms?

- Nope.
- Oh, so that's...

not a mossy cave.

Mm-mm.

- Mmm, no.
- Probably not.

What the...?

What is happening...?

I can't take this right now.

What, do we live in a pawnshop?

Hey, Schmidt.

Hey,
Jess. What, uh...

Where did all this come from?

I found the afghan
underneath a Dumpster

outside an animal shelter.

And I found the lamp
underneath the afghan.

I'm gonna assume that
these are your spices

- jammed in here with my spices.
- Yep.

I would really appreciate it
if your non-Tahitian vanilla

was not touching
my Tahitian vanilla.

Oh, Schmidt,
they're more than touching.

What's it like
living in the most populous isle

in French Polynesia?

I could tell you, or...
I could show you.

Not
in front of the cloves.

Where's my burr coffee grinder?

Oh, you know, I
think it's in the hutch.

You put it in the hutch?

The... aah, this thing
was on the street.

It's a coffee grinder, Schmidt.

I think it'll be okay.

A top-of-the-line
conical burr coffee grinder.

You know what that means?
It means it doesn't

smash up the beans like
some pedestrian blade grinder.

It actually
grinds them,

for a deeper, richer, more
satisfying flavor profile!

Oh. Well,
I've used it repeatedly

to make homemade crayons.

Does that show up in your
flavor profile, Schmidt?

Uh, yeah, that's fine.

If you're looking
for your oven mitts,

they're in the top drawer
of the hutch.

Oh. Okay, fair enough.

Hutch is gone.

- No.
- No, no, no.

- No. - No hutch.
- No, no!

- Stop! Don't move the hutch.
- Bye-bye, hutch!

This thing makes me
emotionally nauseous!

This is my hutch.
Don't move it!

All right, you're
right, you're right...

I'm so sorry.
You're right.

It's a beautiful piece.

It looks great there.

My apologies.

Thank you.

Oops.

Schmidt, you have
a real problem.

You've got to learn
to calm down.

Yeah, yeah.

I love the beach.

Now, isn't this better
than arguing about a hutch?

Yeah, if you like hanging out on
the rim of a giant fish toilet.

Jess, I can't believe you
brought me down here.

This is a great place
to talk about your problems.

Jess, this sucks--
I just want to go home.

Schmidt, come here.

Look. You got the
birds in the sky.

Sea and sand.

The wind in our hair.

You've lost your kite!

Have fun flying your
string all day!

Sorry I forgot my wallet.

Thank you for paying;
It's delicious.

Yeah, which is weird, because
I clearly remember saying,

"Hey, man, don't
forget your wallet."

- And then I still forgot it.
- You still forget it. Wow, it's weird.

- Yeah, you said that. We're getting older.
- Yeah, I said that.

Okay, this is a good segue.

Um...

can I talk to you

about something that's
kind of tough?

Yeah, man, shoot.

"The subject of this talk is
the debt of money between us.

- I feel that..."
- Oh, man!

I thought this was
about something serious.

You set that up like it was
about something different.

This is about the poker?

Oh, I'll pay you
your money. Relax.

"If I am reading this section,
then I can only assume

"you have told me to relax.

- You wrote that?
- "Let me assure you I am very relaxed,

"although I have good
reason not to be,

"as you owe me
a very large sum."

I will pay you the
money, you clown.

"I am aware that
we're both broke,

"one of us embarrassingly
so. Points to Nick.

"I have recently tumbled down
the socioeconomic ladder

"and have hit rock bottom,

- "where you, Nick Miller,
- Thank you.

"Have been waiting patiently
for the past 15 years.

"But I want that money.

"Give me my money.
I really mean it.

"It's my money.
You owe me that money,

"so give me my
money. Seriously.

- Are you finished?
- "Where is the money, dude?

- You wrote "dude"?
- "But I am not without pity.

I am willing to just
call it an even $200."

Everything let go
with just $200?

- Right.
- All right, I can do $200.

- $200? Two hundo clean?
- Yep.

All right.

I did pay for gas here, though.

So that's, let's say, ten bucks.

So we're at $190.

We'll say clean $190.

I hate to be this guy...

but I got the fights on Friday,

so that's $30.
So let's call it $160

and be done with it.

$20 for beer that night,
so $160 takes us to $140.

Just to be fair.

And I didn't write
a stupid letter about it.

But let's say right now $140.

You ate a lot of the nachos!

Littering!
$15 for littering!

# What a way to live... #

How fun is this!

It's not my cup of tea.

# Don't you know that life #

# Don't wait for death? #

# Choo-choo #

No!

No! No, Jess, no!

I can't believe I never noticed
this before, but, Schmidt,

you are legitimately crazy.

I think we're all a little bit
crazy, don't you think, Jess?

No, I mean, you're like aging-
ballerina, child-chess-prodigy,

professional-magician crazy.

It's my mom's fault-- you know,
I come from a Jewish family,

but she used to tell me the reason
Santa didn't come to our house

was because my
room was dirty.

The only thing I ever
controlled was what I ate.

- That's why I got fat.
- Yeah, I got fat 'cause I used to eat

Concord grape jelly from the jar
using a candy bar as a fork.

It's because you didn't
have any structure.

You know what I mean?
That's what happens

when you don't
have any rules.

None of these people have rules.
Especially that guy.

He's wearing ladies'
bikini bottoms.

Jess, I'm not
like these people, okay?

I don't have dreadlocks.
I don't own a snake.

And I don't understand how these
people think that they're relaxed,

because they're not-- they
just have nothing to do.

That's not me.
It's not that easy for me.

Sounds to me like a lot
of excuses, Schmidt.

Just be spontaneous.

Hey, Nick.

Look, man, I'm sorry to bother
you while you're clearly

sitting here working hard
making lots of money.

- All right. - But if you'd kindly
just pause that for one second,

I have a few accounts
that I'd like to settle.

Account number one:

A $15 receipt for a
Chinatown box turtle.

- Bam. Here we go.
- We're doing this, huh?

- Yeah, we are doing this. - Great
- Item number two:

Cancelled $35 check for
registration of a domain name--

"Hey, guys, Winston,
I got a good idea, man.

I'm gonna be a
big-time blogger."

- I have to go to work...
- Uh-huh.

...At a bar, where
you drink for free.

- Wow.
- How much does four

hundred cognac and colas
add up to, Winston?

- You want to go there?
- Yeah.

Okay. How about all the
times I sat around

listening to you
bitch and moan

about how Caroline broke
your precious little heart?

- Okay, in eighth grade...
- Eighth grade.

- ...You "accidentally" saw
my mom naked. - Mm-hmm.

Before she stopped exercising
and let herself get chubby.

Okay?

So how much is that,
in terms of money?

'Cause I haven't
gotten over that.

- And I would say four to $5,000.
- Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Schmidt, Winston saw my mother naked
in eighth grade; in terms of mon--

I waded into the ocean
without my aqua socks.

Mm, he did.

He let go.

He washed his hands
in a public restroom.

And there was a man in there.

And he was using the toilet,
full sit, no door.

And I didn't break
eye contact.

Not once.

That's not letting go,
that's cruising.

Hey, Schmidt.

- There's a spill.
- I know.

Do your exercise. You know.

Yeah, okay, the exercise.

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

I feel great.

I'm gonna go take a shower
with Nick's bar soap,

like a common ranch hand.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no! - What is going on?

You messed with the ecosystem.

And you guys said
it couldn't be done.

You have no idea
what you're getting into.

You're welcome.

Schmidt, you're killing
with me with that drumming!

You're killing me!

Look at this mess.
How did this happen?

So, this is your fault.

No. No.

This is good for Schmidt.

'Cause you guys have been
taking advantage of him

for years.

You make him cook,
you make him clean...

Where's my money, dude?

Frankly, it's... sexist.

Oh, my God. Ew!

How's it sexist?

Who's cleaning up?

- I cleaned this morning.
- All right, fine.

- I'll clean, you guys go to the store.
- Act like an adult.

I'm not going
to the store with him.

- Where's my money, dude...?
- Stop throwing things at each other.

- Oh, come on.
- Where is the money?

You're a child.

...My car, too, while you...

Silence, friends!

I made you necklaces.

Hey, do you want
to go to the store?

Please, God, yes.

$100? How did Schmidt buy all
these groceries with 100 bucks?

- It's only $100?
- $100.

You should've told... we have
way too much stuff, man.

- Yeah, like shrimp cocktail.
- We don't need a baked ham.

- All right.
- Winston?

- Sorry about that.
- Really? Really?

Two cake mixes?

- Really? All these soups?
- Pizza? Frozen pizza?

You fat ass. What are you trying to do, die?
Shut up, dude.

We have enough ketchup.
We have enough ketchup! Come on, really?

Next, please.

Oh, hey, how you doing, sir?

We only have $100, Gary,

so could you stop checking us
out when we hit $100?

Yeah, you got to
include tax, too,

- so, like, $93, just... Cool?
- Yeah, just that'll do.

Okay, guys.

- Thanks. - I'm gonna put
my stuff at the front,

- 'cause you obviously don't know how
to shop. - You're being ridiculous.

- Are you getting me?
- We have enough ketchup.

Epsom salt?

- Yeah, okay. - What, are you
too good for regular salt?

You know damn well
I got to soak my trick foot.

Oh, Winnie, your
little trick foot.

Yeah, my trick foot,
and don't ever call me Winnie.

- Aw, Winnie...
- Fine.

You don't owe me anything.

The slate is clean.
We're good, we're even.

Oh, good, that's
how I feel, too.

Because in my mind, your mom
will always be the winner

- of Best Boobs.
- Really, Best Boobs?

- Yeah. Master's Division.
- You're gonna talk about my mother?

You're gonna talk
about my mom's boobs?

Is that...
you gonna go there?

Don't push me
in a supermarket, man.

You started this.

- Did you just slap me in the face?
- No, I did not.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I'm not afraid of you, man.

Don't act your...

Grow up, dude!

Hey, Schmidt.

Oh, hello, Jess.

- Hey.
- What are you doing out here?

Oh, just checking
up on you.

Oh, I see you're
eating street meat

wrapped in street meat.

This is my man, Gordon.

You've outdone yourself
once again, Gordon.

Excellent.

- Did you go to work today?
- No, no. No work.

I haven't been there in a while.

- How long is a while?
- I don't know. Three days?

Schmidt, I made a mistake
in bringing you down here.

I shouldn't have done that.

Please come home.

Why?

So I can cook and clean?

So I can show you
where the vacuum is?

All right.

Okay, fine, I don't know
where the vacuum is.

That is one reason
why I came here,

but I really want
you to come home.

Everything's falling apart
without you.

Nick and Winston
are fighting all the time.

And all of us lost our keys
to the mailbox.

Schmidt, just listen
to me, because you

don't belong here, like, really.

Do you remember when you

got yourself off
to An Inconvenient Truth?

How about when
you dress up

like Shia Labeouf from
Wall Street Two for Halloween?

Do you remember
when you said

jazz music was America's
greatest mistake?

Say it in drums, Jessica Day.

Me hablo drums.

Hey, man.

I got the last frozen thing.

I was gonna ice my wrist, but...

How about this?

Take half, pal.

So kind of you.

That hurts, man.

I am so hungry.

Remember those things that
Schmidt used to make us

with the peanut butter
and the raisins on the celery?

What were those called?

Ants on a log.

Ants on a log.

I just got why they're called
ants on a log.

Looks like ants on a log.

I'm hungry, man.

Hey, Schmidt,
is that you, buddy?

No, it's me.

What the hell happened to you?

I went down to the beach,

and I tried to talk to Schmidt,

but he just ignored me,

and he went back to twirling
his fire baton.

He's really bad;
He burned a lot of people.

I feel like they should let you
twirl it around a few times

before they actually
light it on fire.

Well, look, Jess,
being friends with Schmidt

is really complicated.

'Cause you want
to change him

so badly,

but you can't
'cause he'll just get worse.

You guys were right,
I upset the ecosystem.

This is not what I wanted.

I just wanted
to put my hutch here.

Make the place my own,
be a part of the family.

What family?
With these clowns?

Yeah, you clowns.

Well, look,
you want in, you're in.

Congratulations,
welcome to the family, Jess.

Aww.

Yeah, we don't "aww"
in this family.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Schmidt.

Um, we need to talk.

Something not cool?

Schmidt, we miss you.

You just want me to clean.

No, that's not true.

- Well, it's a little bit true.
- There's truth to that.

Okay, look.
I want you to clean.

Look, we're so proud of you

for letting go, and relaxing.

But this isn't like you.

You can run away
from your problems, but

you're just gonna find
new ones that pop up

like hepatitis.

And Nick and Winston

want to say to you
that they really miss you.

You're freaking
me out, man.

Why are you wearing
that crystal around your neck?

Nick, the crystal
symbolizes energy.

All a crystal is
is rock poo, Schmidt.

Look, I need
you, Schmidt.

Okay, I need you to tell me
what pants not to wear

and to exercise
more often.

I need you to make fun
of me when I call

a panini a hot sandwich;
How am I ever gonna learn?

I even miss

your hair chutney.

Without you,
man, we're just

three idiots
who live together.

You make us a family.

Well, I'm the cool
rebel brother.

- You're the mom. - The mother. - Mom.

Look, Schmidt,
if you come back

to us, I'll let you
clean my room.

The white whale?

Think about how many
dust bunnies are under my bed.

How many stray socks.

Hey, Schmidt,

I got you something.

Is that a boutique box?

A pair of gray, shiny, twill,
flat-front trousers

designed by a man named Calvin.

Never been tried on.

Pockets are sewn shut.

Don't you just want to get
your thumbs in there

and rip?

Okay, so, I'm just
gonna leave this

on your bongo drum,

and you can, you know,

give them a whirl
if you feel like it.

Just make the
right decision.

Come home.

Take the pants.

Oh, come here.

Calvin.

You magnificent wizard.

Scmidtty.

Nick, your hair
is doing that thing

that I just... I just hate.

And Jess, can you please
ask Winston to help you

move the furniture out?
He could use the exercise.

You're looking a little,
you know...

- He's back.
- And Nick, Winston,

we have a urinal.

How are you still missing?

Schmidt?

Schmidt, wake up.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Hey!

What...

are you doing here?

What do you think
I'm doing here? Come on!

- Okay, wait, wait, wait.
- What?

Cece,

before we continue,

I clearly have no control
in this relationship,

and... I'm fine with it.

- Good.
- But know this,

you're the one who broke
into this apartment at 3:00 a.m.

for a little bit
of this Schmidt, so

who's really in control?

Shut up!

Wait, oh, are you
sleeping in dress pants?

What? They're slacks.

- What's the big deal?
Calm down. - Oh...

Look how excited
Hector J. is to see you.

Yeah, I've already
met Hector J., so...

- Ooh, look, he's knighting you.
- Oh, no, please stop knighting me.

- Don't...
- Lady Cecelia...

No, Schmidt,
I'm gonna leave.

You have entered the
order of the round table.

I'm getting my bag, okay,
I'm gonna get my...

- Oh, I want to stay.
- Dame Nasty Cece.