New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 15 - Injured - full transcript

Nick, go out 10 yards, cut left.
Winston, go long, post right.

Jess, go out towards the parking lot.
Get in the car. We'll meet you at the loft.

Oh, very funny.
You're a comedian, Schmidt.

Hike!

Schmidt! Come on!

Oh. Did you see that?

- Are you okay?
- Yes, I'm okay.

- Nick.
- Oh, my God!

Nick, I'm so sorry.

- This is real!
- Probably lateral sizer.

Shut up! Okay, let's go.



- Rotator cuff?
- Can l...?

- What do you need?
- Nothing.

Please go far from me right now.
I can taste my spine.

- Three or your four down there. Vertebrae.
- Why is no one helping me?

Not you!

Not you!

Hey, girl

What you doing?

Hey, girl

Where you going?

- Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl?

- Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl?

It's Jess

Are you sure you're okay?



You're walking like a Disney witch.
Let me drive to your doctor.

I don't have a doctor.
I don't have insurance.

Nick, you need to see a doctor,
if only to make sure yourjunk is clean.

- Don't go to doctors.
- I'll take you to Sadie.

- Just look at you. She won't charge you.
- I don't go to doctors!

- Are you sure you're okay driving?
- I'm fine. I've never been better.

I'm great. Thank you.

Feeling better already.
See you guys back at the loft.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh!

- What did you just...?
- I'm okay.

- I'm okay. Don't worry.
- What did you do?

You hit my car!

- I'm okay.
- Oh.

Oh, Winston, relax.

Okay? Relax. That's all I did. I did this.

The rest was already there.

Actually, I think I undid a dent there.

I'm taking you to see my friend.

- Jess, no.
- Now!

So she's fitting us in between patients.

Jess...

...is Sadie a gynecologist?

- No, she's an OB/GYN.
- I'm gonna go.

- Different thing.
- I'm gonna get out of here.

- Yeah? I don't think you are.
- Aah.

Nick, she's a wizard with a speculum.

- Nick.
- I don't have a vagina.

- You can take mine.
- Ha-ha.

- I heard that, sister.
- True that.

- Oh!
- Ha, ha. Okay, you know what, Nick?

I'm sorry that my only doctor friend
is a gynecologist...

...but you're broke, so you're gonna
have to shut your mouth...

...and you're gonna tag the things
you want in this Lucky magazine.

We'll have to put this baby to bed.

No, Sherman, look,
I don't think you understand, man.

This car has been with me through
everything, so if you could just fix it.

- This is not officially a car anymore.
- You didn't even buy the thing.

Given to you as an illegal recruitment gift
from a college you didn't even go to.

Things happened in this car.

- Desert Storm?
- Oh, things happened.

- Is this your car?
- Yeah.

Cool.

Anytime.

- Time to buy a new car.
- You buy a new car.

I bought a new car.

It's what you borrow every morning
when this one makes the weird sound.

- Not a good sound.
- The keys.

You shouldn't call them keys.
It's a paperclip that you start the car with.

See? That was the noise
I was telling you about.

Shut up.

You don't have to sit like that.

It's the only way that it feels okay, Jess.

- Jess.
- Sadie.

- Hey.
- Hey. How are you?

Good. How are you?

- Good to see you again, Nick.
- Hey.

Hi.

- We were playing football, I tackled him.
- That's not exactly how I saw it.

I'm surprised you got hurt. Such a big boy.

Jess tackled a girl I was dating once.

Oh, yeah. She tried to steal my overalls.

- Okay, so does that hurt?
- Yeah, yeah. Yes!

- All right. Does that hurt?
- Aah, ha, ha. Ow!

- All right. He can flip over.
- Okay.

Okay.

So listen.

This is not an official examination.

I am not officially telling you
you bruised your spine...

...and I'm not officially giving you
these pills to manage the pain.

Okay.

- So...
- Thank you.

- Don't take those pills.
- Take the pills.

- Don't take those.
- Take the pills.

- Nobody prescribed them.
- Take them.

- No.
- That's a code. Take them.

- That's bad. Don't do that.
- That means do it.

No. Those are designed...

...for severe menstrual cramps,
so they should cure your baby backache.

Baby backache.

Wait. Stop.

Hey, take another sip of water.

- Yeah.
- What?

- What's wrong?
- Your thyroid.

I noticed something while swallowing.
Mind?

- I don't know what choice I have.
- Do it.

Okay, Jess. Stop.

Yeah, he has a growth.

- Oh, my God. A growth.
- Oh, no. Everything works.

- Oh, my God.
- I know what you're talking about.

- You knew about this?
- Yes.

- So you've had it checked out?
- I don't have that stuff checked out. I'm fine.

I can set up an ultrasound
tomorrow morning. Got a friend.

- I can't afford an ultrasound, but...
- You're gonna have to.

- Yeah.
- All right.

- So I'll set that up?
- Absolutely.

Make sure he goes, Jess.

- Don't look at me like that.
- It's probably nothing.

Yeah, it's nothing.

Oh, God.

Put the baby's head at the bottom.

I'm not gonna go tomorrow.

I'm really not,
because I don't wanna get an ultrasound.

I don't have time.
I've got some writing I got to do.

The truth is with working out,
I've got some people to see...

...so I just can't make it. I lost a stamp.

Sounds worse than it is.
It's a somewhat expensive stamp...

...and I had planned on looking for it.

One of the reasons I moved to Los Angeles
was to get closer to whales, record them.

I haven't got around to it.
Where we live is actually east.

It's way farther from the ocean than
I expected. I appreciate your concern.

It's nice.

But this machine is still kicking.

You're going. And I know you're scared.

But you know what my mom
used to do when I got scared?

A Daffy Duck impression.

- Don't do what you're about to do.
- Nicholas.

I'm sorry you have a lump in your throat.

That's despicable!

Sorry. Too much?

- Okay. I gotta go to work.
- I'll come with you.

- Absolutely not.
- I'll sit by the bar.

No way.

One more time

You told them, Jess?
Really, it's not a big deal.

- Don't tell them.
- We're just hanging out.

- With my best friend.
- Come on, Schmidt.

What are you do...? Pfft!

You just Fredo-kiss me?
What's your problem? Go sit down.

- You're gonna beat this.
- I don't have anything.

What is going on with you guys?
Thanks for telling them.

I take those too, when I got a heavy flow.

Good to know.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So I heard.

Of course you did.

Can I get a vodka soda?

Thank you. You being normal...

- Vodka soda.
- Okay.

It's because he refuses to wear
a Bluetooth.

I gave him one for his birthday too,
but he just laughed in my face.

Gave it back to me for Hanukkah.

Well, according to this website,
it could be a colloid nodule.

But that's most common in golden retrievers.

I thought my lifestyle choices
would rub off on him.

Tried to set a good example.

Treat your body like a temple.
Treat your body like a temple.

But he treats his like a dump. Like a dump.

Let me see this.

- Oh, my God.
- Hey, hey. My friends.

Can I just say that these pills are amazing?

I feel, like, really warm in my uterus.
Oh. I feel good.

Feel real good.

What's with the long faces?

- Schmidt?
- Just looking at you...

...and your beautiful soul.
- Big, strong Nick. He's a champ.

I wish I could trade places with you,
because I would do it in a second.

I'm also glad that I can't.

- Okay, what is going on with you three?
- Oh, God.

- Jess? Hey, are you okay?
- Oh, God.

- You're gonna freak him out.
- Why are you crying?

- Schmidt, are you crying?
- You're making me cry with your emotions.

Really, Winston? You?

- Just that I love you so much.
- Stop it. Enough. Hey, I'm fine.

- Just stop it.
- How do you know you're fine, Nick?

Is that...?
Would that be where...? In my neck?

Hm.

I'm not gonna lie. I think the pills
are on top of me a little bit.

I think you're right.

It's so sad.

It's sad your friend is getting
an ultrasound tomorrow.

It's just so hard.

Are you using your best friend's medical
crisis to feel my boobs with your face?

Why isn't the whole world making love
all at the same time?

How many ears does Daniel Boone have?

He's got a right ear, a left ear and a front-ear.

"Frontier." Get it?

You don't get to speak at my funeral.

- Heh. What?
- For sure. One hundred percent.

What? Why?

- Because of that joke.
- Yeah, but...

Jess, you don't wanna talk at a funeral.
I've tried that once.

What kind of dummy
fixes a washing machine using a knife?

This kind of dummy!

It did not go well.

I don't want you talking at my funeral!

- Okay.
- You can go to my funeral...

...but you can't talk.
My funeral is my time to shine.

I want the girls to think:
"I wish I brought Nick Miller to orgasm."

I want the guys to think:
"I wish I bought him more stuff."

And I don't want Daffy Duck voices
and feeling sticks.

You don't know how to be real.

I can't have you trying to cheer people up.

I know how to be real.

Question: Am I wearing a hat?

Nick Miller.

Almost a lawyer.

This is a sad song

Oh.

This is the saddest song in the world

Yes, it is.

Mm.

This is the saddest...

- You just keep singing, man.
- Okay.

This is a sad song

Hey, hey

Mm-hm

Saddest song in the world

Got a nice voice, man.

It is so weird being sober right now.

Can I get some weird rapping?

Nick Miller, Nick Miller

From the streets of Chicago

'Cause players play
Like they do like they did

Mm-hm

Sad song

'Cause the ballers ball and the...
In the 'hood 'cause he's Chi-Town hustle

- In the world
- That's sounds great.

People of Chicago represent him
'Cause the players don't play

And the player's in the city

Nick Miller, Nick Miller
Is a stone-cold killer

- Huh! Sing it, you know. You feel.
- Likes the taste of vanilla

Nick Miller, Nick Miller
He's the illest of the ill

Cece's rapping!

He pours a hundred drinks
And none have ever spilled

Plus he's super high
On a bunch of pain pills

His favorite movie is The Big Chill

He's got a hairy chest
'Cause he eats a balanced meal

- Kicking mad flavor in his ear.
- Sad song

'Cause the ice in my glass
Represents the tears from my eyes

I love you, dawg

This is a sad song

Nick Miller, Nick Miller, yo
Streets of Chicago

Rough and tumble, one love
You my heart

Nick Miller, Nick Miller.
Never does anything.

What?

You want me to get real...

...and stop being cutesy and whatever, fine.

Let's get real. You don't do anything.

What did you wanna do?

Isn't there something
you wanted to accomplish?

Hey, I've done things.
I wrote half a book about zombies.

Okay, just tell me.

If you could do anything...

...what would you do?

You know, I'm the guy who...
I can't just jump into something...

...if I don't know what's gonna happen.
I never have been that guy.

Like, I'm the guy that...

If I don't know what's gonna happen,
I don't do something. Ever.

I don't care how bad I wanna do it.
I don't do it.

Like, if everybody would go
into the ocean and jumped in the water...

...I'm the guy on the beach
guarding the wallets.

All right.

- All right, Nick.
- All right.

- Get out there. I'll hold your wallet.
- Don't have one.

Well, that's fine.

I've a sandwich bag
with my license and money in it.

Okay, I'll hold your sandwich bag.
Get out there, go.

It's a little cold. Heh, heh.

Just in terms of running into the water,
it's a tad on the cold side.

Well, you know what?

Just...

It's just...

We taking our shoes off? What's going on?

I'm a little drunk, and I can't be too sure...

...but I think you're finally about to see
your best friend's penis.

Nick... He's gonna... He's gonna show
his penis to the ocean and not me?

Nick, wait!

I'm alive!

I am alive!

I'm alive!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! This is stupid!

Aah! It's cold!
My testicles are in my abdomen!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! That is so cold! That is so cold!

- Words can't describe how cold that is.
- You okay?

No, I'm not okay, Jess!

I'm not okay!

I woke up today and I wanted to play
a friendly game of touch football...

...then I hurt my back,
and I went to your gynecologist...

...and now I might have cancer! So, no, Jess!

I'm not okay!

I don't think this is the right time
to bring this up, you guys...

...but does anyone else think
Nick could stand to lose 5 to 7 pounds?

You know what I'm thinking about,
Cece?

What, Schmidt?

That when you stand up...

...there's gonna be, like, a perfect imprint
of your butt in the sand.

That is what you're thinking about now,
with your best friend going through...

...what he's going through?

- Then why would you say that?
- I don't know why.

Why would anyone say that?

I've never gone through anything like this.

Yeah, well, I have.

What happened?

My dad died when I was 12.

- That's, um...
- Only way to get through it...

...is to get through it.

- I had a cat that died.
- Don't compare my dad to your cat.

It was a big cat. I mean, human-size.

Hey.

Oh, hey.

- Is this seat taken?
- Oh, please.

Here, will you help me up?

I know that you're right.

You're right, I have to start doing things.

I can't just...

You know...

Jess.

I like you a lot.

I really do. I'm glad you're around.

I'm not gonna remember any of this
in the morning, am I?

Most certainly not.

Oh, no.

Yes. Yeah.

- Yeah, we should go home.
- Yes.

Let's go home.

Hey. We gotta wake up.

- It's morning.
- What?

Hey, Schmidty!

Wake up! Everybody, up! Everybody, up.
I got that ultrasound thing. We're late.

What?

Oh.

Hey, Winston. We're late, man.

Enough fresh air. Back to the fume chamber.

Couldn't even sell it for metal.

Hope you didn't get sand in my car.

That's this car's problem, too much sand.

Oh, my God,
there's soot coming in from the floor.

Hi.

My name is Nick Miller. I have 9 a.m. Today.

Fill these out. I'm gonna need a copy
of your health insurance.

I'm gonna be paying with cash, actually.

It's a mixture of paper money and change.

I do have a check that's postdated.
There's a 60-40 shot that's gonna clear.

I hope that's good.

Jess... Oh, yeah.

Do I have to do this now?

How long does it take to tell
if someone has cancer?

- Guys.
- Hey.

I'm okay. I'm fine.

I'm fine. It's nothing. Yeah.

- What did they say it was?
- I didn't hear anything after they said:

"You don't have cancer." I blanked out.
I think it's, like, a cyst or something.

Ugh. Stop Fredo-kissing me, Schmidt.

All right, so what do I owe you?
Let's figure this out.

- I've got...
- It's already taken care of.

What do you mean it's already taken care of?

Oh, we split it.

All right, well, I'll pay you guys back. I just...

- Can you please get a wallet?
- I do have a wallet.

A wallet.

I have tons of wallet chains
that you can borrow.

Deep inside the ever-spinning

- Hey, Jess?
- Hm?

- What happened last night?
- Nothing.

Come on, come on, come on.

- Let it go.
- Wait, wait, wait. Just gotta give it a second.

- It's cruel at this point.
- That car's dead, bud.

'Till we're running from it

I'd take care of you

If you ask me to

In a year or two

Oh, oh, oh

Don't walk so damn fast. I'm coming.

Can't a man say goodbye to his car?