New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 14 - Bully - full transcript

Oh! Oh!

L'Chaim.

To humping.

I was like a river.

Did you feel that?
Did you feel me sweeping you

along with the
current of my body?

You were like a canoe
on my body river.

Like you'd ever be
seaworthy with those breasts.

Boobies.

I wish there was
a word that meant

complete satisfaction
and complete self-loathing.



I've never seen a woman bite
her own shoulder before.

That was the last time.

You said that twice last night.

You'll be back.

I'm like your
black tar heroin.

You just need that sweet taste
in your veins.

Schmidttle and
the damage done.

Neil Young, yo.

Just get me out of here
without someone seeing.

Schmidt?

Oh,

did you have a
sexual guest?

- What?
- Was it

the same girl
from the other night?



- I don't know what you're talking about.
- It is!

Oh, my God. You slept with the same
girl twice in a row?

Was it a mistake? Was she
wearing some kind of disguise?

Hey, Nick, Schmidt slept with
the same girl twice in a row.

I owe you five dollars.

You know, I thought I heard
the door open at 3:00 a.m.

Those are the sounds
of true love.

- Bet she had the time of her life.
- What happened?

Did I miss her?

- You did.
- Man, I love meeting

the girls you bring home.

I like to pretend
like I'm your lover

on the down-low,
Theodore K. Mullins.

Damn, Schmidt, in our bed?

Where we shave each other?

I've always

loved you,
you're my boo.

Theodore K. Mullins
is not my type, man.

So, you gonna
three-peat this ho?

Who is this bitch?
We want to meet her.

I'm not gonna parade her
around like some trophy.

You know me,
I'm not that kind of guy.

Oh!

Schmidt told me this
was the front door?

What's wrong with her?
Does she have a hunchback?

Dwarf parts?

Lovitz body?

She happens to be
an incredibly beautiful woman.

She another one
of your heavy gingers, Schmidt?

- How big are her knuckles?
- Butter body?

She has a Hitler moustache.

I'm sorry, just,

like, I want to banter
with you guys in the morning.

I just, like, panicked,
and I made a Hitler joke.

I'm sorry.

# Hey, girl #

# What you doing? #

# Hey, girl #

# Where you going? #

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

# Who's that girl? #

# Who's that girl? #
# It's Jess. #

1x14
- Bully -

Your science projects
are looking great, you guys.

Love the potato battery, Harper.

- Good job.
- Thanks.

Luke, I like your tree exhibit.

Might want to think
about changing the name.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Whoa.

You built a robotic arm.

I think we know who's gonna win.

Anyone can still win, Brianna.

Even me, Miss Day?

Yes.

Okay, lunchtime.

Can I have lunch in here?

Oh, no, Nathaniel, what's wrong?

In the cafeteria,

kids have started playing
this game, coin slot.

They put pennies
in my butt crack.

I made 46 cents.

No, no, no,
you earned that.

Um,

Nathaniel,
I'm gonna help you out.

Julia sent me a cactus.

She's on a business trip
to China,

and she sent it to me
out of the blue.

I'm not an idiot.

She's gonna break up with me.

Who told you that?

Did the cactus tell you that?

Is this one of those
fortune-telling cactuses...

Winston, think.
She's gonna break up with me.

She doesn't think I can
take care of a regular plant.

Well, you can't.

Any idiot can take care
of a cactus, Winston.

She thinks I'm an idiot.

Why are you watering a cactus?

Because I'm an idiot.

Julia sent him a cactus,

which means
she's gonna break up with him.

Hm.

I'm sorry, I thought
that was a joke

because otherwise that would
be totally stupid and insane.

Snap out of it, son.

Jess, you don't get it.

This cactus is like a symbol

of my relationship with her.

- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

I'm not gonna quit on this.

I'm gonna get her back.

There it is.

Look at that.

Not bad, just fix red eye,
red eye,

red eye.

Send.

Hello?

Where are you?

Oh, hey, Cecilia,

Did you get my junk mail?

I'm in front of your loft.

I know I said that last time
was the last time,

but... you want to come down?

Yeah, I want to co...

Yeah, I'll come down,
that sounds good.

All right.

So, I think I changed
a life today, you guys.

I pulled a Gandhi,
a real Gandhi.

There's a student of mine,

he's been bullied for
the past few months,

so after warning the kids
that there would be

serious repercussions
if this continued,

I delivered a lesson
in the key of learning.

Learning minor.

# He's a plump bird who prefers
the shelter of a hole #

# He has a stubby beak #

# And a nervous soul #

# Because being chased #

# By predators takes its toll #

# Let the sad sparrow
fly on... #

You think singing a song
about a kid

is gonna stop him
from getting his ass kicked?

I know 12-year-olds are vicious,
vengeful creatures.

Middle-school girls

literally scalp each other.

I spent most of sixth grade
with a bald spot on my head.

- What?
- But don't tell me

music can't make a difference,

'cause it can.

Those kids were videotaping me

- on their cell phones.
- Right.

I think these kids
are gonna really

- remember that.
- Yeah, um,

- You know, this day.
- What's the song called?

Um, "Sad Sparrow"

"(Imagine A World Without Bullies)" why?

This is why.

# He's not smartest bird
or the most pretty #

# He spreads disease #
What?

# Throughout the city #

Well, at least the bully's not
making fun of that kid any more.

They're making fun of me.

The hawk just took
a little poop on you.

I'm not proud of myself
for saying this,

but it's a really funny video.

# Sad sparrow fly on... #

Why can't we just go upstairs
for a little Schmidt and Spin?

You just said that everybody's
upstairs in the living room.

Okay, fine, what
about your place?

My place is not
an option right now.

All the models are there.

It's 12 models in two rooms.

It's like a room full
of hungry Russians.

Uh, yes, please,
let's go there.

What about just a little good,
old-fashioned car sex?

I can't do any
of my moves in there.

I like to improvise
with my body.

I'm like a sexual snowflake.

Each night with me is a
unique experience, Cece.

Okay, are we gonna do this,
or not?

'Cause I kind of need this
to happen right now, okay?

Isn't there, like,
a Starbucks bathroom around here

or something we could use?

What do I look like,
a Gypsy courtesan?

So, how hard are
you gonna drop

the hammer on the kid
who did this?

I'm gonna find this kid,
and I'm just gonna...

open up a dialogue.

Not gonna work.

Take it from me,
I used to be a bully.

Ow!

Brown lightning!

Wow, you had a catchphrase?
Yeah.

You got to hit them
where it hurts.

Thank you, Winston,

but I have a different approach.

Jerk-sica?

My last name rhymes
with "gay,"

and the best thing
you can think of is Jerk-sica?

Reason.

Hey, Schmidt.

Oh, there is?
Thank you.

He says we should look
out the window.

There's a crescent moon
out tonight.

Oh, dip, seriously?

Why do we care
about a crescent moon?

I don't know.

I'm gonna live
up there someday.

Hey, Julia, what's up, girl?

Hope you're having
a great time in Beijing.

I miss you;
I can't wait to see you.

I got the cactus.

Thank you so much.

I'm taking great care of it.

Yeah, things are doing
good here.

Everything's really cool,
just...

taking names, kicking butt,
you know, all that.

So, great,
I'll see you Wednesday.

You're the best around.

Nope, that's not gonna
be the one.

Hey, Julia, just calling back
to say that I get it.

Message received.

I'm the cactus.

If you put me in the desert,

I'll grow some needles, too.

You bet I would.

You bet
I would.

FYI, I'm not high right now.

Julia!

Julia!

Call me back.

Call me back, Julia.

Julia, it's Nick.

I'm sorry, I just realized
about the time difference.

So, if you get this one first,

could you please just delete
the other ones?

I love you.

What did I jus...?

I don't hear anyone out there.

I think I'm safe.

And I-I want you to know,

that was the last time, okay?

This is over.

But we haven't even gotten
to the cheese course.

A little sharp
aged cheddar? Mm-hmm.

Manchego?

Maybe some buttery Gruyere?

You sure you want
to miss out?

I just want to...

slowly peel the wax
off your Babybels.

What are you even saying?

How about a little
stinky Taleggio?

Why is this working?

I am so turned on
right now.

Or maybe some
cream cheese?

Want some schmear, Cece?

You know what?

Cece, you should go.

Because if you have the strength

to turn all this down,

do it.

Yeah, I'm good.

Hi. Who do I speak to
re: getting something removed

from the Internet?

Yeah, I can hold.

Want to party with Havarti?

Fine.

Give me the damn cheese.

So, Brianna,

I saw the robot arm

in the user profile,

so I know you
made that video.

So I thought we could sit
and talk for a minute.

Look, Brianna, I know
you're better than this.

Can we talk about you
for a few minutes?

Can we talk about you instead?

I'm an open book;
Ask me anything.

How come you don't have
a boyfriend?

And why did Mr. Genzlinger
dump you?

And is it true that
your boyfriend before that

cheated on you?

Are you barren, Miss Day?

And why is your voice
so deep like a man's?

- It's no... it's not.
- Your happiness

seems like a mask.

Well, I better go.

What have I done?

Julia! So glad you're home!

Hey.

Are you okay?

Yes, I'm okay;
Welcome back.

- Are you sure?
- Did you listen to all the messages?

- I did.
- You did? That sucks.

You know, I really
didn't mean anything.

- I know.
- I-I didn't.

Look, I got in
my head, Julia,

I thought you sent
me this cactus

because you were
trying to tell me

that I can't take care
of a normal plant.

Which, when I think about
it, I probably can't.

Plants freak me out.

I'm way better with
babies, actually.

Hmm.

Not that I want to have, like,

a baby with you,
like, right now.

- I can see us having babies.
- Please, can we not...

- I know, that's not what I mean to say.
- No, come on...

- I'm getting weird again. What I mean
to say, - No, Nick, I need to say...

Julia, please, I overreacted.

I think we should break up.

I do. I mean, I didn't realize it
when I sent it...

but then after listening
to the seven...

Yeah, I know.

...Seven, Nick,

- Seven, yeah.
- Separate voice mails

about the meaning
behind the cactus,

I don't know, it really
just clicked in for me,

and I just, I don't think
that we should do this any more.

I'm really sorry.

So I was right
about the cactus.

Okay, what kind of crazy person
destroys a child's robot?

Can you bring me, like, a bunch
of Phillips head screwdrivers

and, like, a Crescent wrench
and, like, other tool things?

What if I'm busy?

Thank you, Winston.

I really needed that.

It's been a really hard week.

Hey, man,
I'm going to the beach

to watch the sun go down,
'cause I love sunsets.

Did you know that about me?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Oh, Julia dumped me,
so sad face.

Hey, do you want
to come with me to the beach?

'Cause I feel great,
I'm ready to rock,

but I really don't
want to be alone.

Scissors?

How am I supposed to fix
a robot arm with scissors?

Those are my
good scissors.

Why do you have good scissors?

You know, the news
only focuses on what goes wrong.

Never talks about
what goes right.

Evolution.

- That's it. Come here.
- You know?

Yeah, exactly.

I'm gonna kill him.
Can you get him out of here?

Hey, guys, you guys want
to watch The Piano later?

Here?

You want to do it here?

Okay... all right.
What's the scenario?

We enter separately,
pretending to be strangers

meeting in the bathroom.

You want me on the can,
off the can?

No, I just, I
just need to

pop in this party
for, like, 20 minutes.

When I come back,
we'll have sex.

Okay, yeah, let's do it.

Oh, no. Um, I'm going
in there alone.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I'll crack a window for you.

Crack a window for me?

- Yeah.
- What am I, your sex dog?

What... what if I have to go
to the bathroom?

Why don't you just
give me a chew toy.

Come on, Schmidt, stop
being such a big baby.

Oh, my... Are you ashamed of me?

Yes. Absolutely.

100%. I'm 100%
ashamed of you.

What-what a revelation.

Okay, come on, Schmidt, I
can't be the first woman

who's ashamed
to be with you.

Okay, look,
I won't go into your party,

if...

if you go to breakfast
with me tomorrow.

In public.

Yeah, okay.

Oh, really?

Really.

I mean, I can
survive breakfast.

I'll be back soon.

Hey, Wendy.
How's it going?

I hope it works.

I didn't get a chance
to test it.

Even broken, it's
still got a shot at top prize.

I mean, have you seen
some of this crap?

"What can old
people do?"

"Does it taste better
with hot sauce?"

My friends.

Guess what I
just learned.

What's inside of a pumpkin.

Apparently, a lot.

I didn't know.

Whoa!

Winston, you have to
get him out of here.

You see him, he's
about to blow.

I'm not having him
by himself right now.

There's Brianna.

Hi, Brianna.

You must be
Brianna's moms.

I'm Miss Day.

Right. The singer.

You're the one
who sings.

This is Brianna's project,
a robotic arm.

Start it up, Brianna.

And a project bursts
into flames.

Brianna, what happened?

Someone must have
sabotaged it.

Bet it was Nathaniel.

Hey! Get my scissors
out of your mouth!

What is wrong
with you?!

He's been creating problems
for our daughter.

What are you gonna
do about it?

Nathaniel, come over here.

Um, actually, uh...

...this is my fault.

I sabotaged the science project.

- You did what?
- What?

And it was
totally unprofessional.

And I'm sorry,

but your daughter is--
how do I put this?

Brianna is difficult.

Difficult? You're the one
that sabotaged her project.

You daughter sucks.

Okay, she is
a demon seed,

she is the
spawn of Satan.

And I do believe I speak
for the entire human race

when I say that people like her
should not be building robots.

Who are you?

Brown lightning.

I want her disciplined.

No! No!

- Wonderful.
- Hey, no.

No.

Why can't we all just

love each other, right?

What are you doing?

Want a science project?

How about this as a science
project: love is a myth.

Why is this Earth

so big and I am so small?

So, yay, Earth.

Be optimistic? Learn?

We're all gonna die alone, so...

- My office, 9:00 a.m.
- How embarrassing.

I was right about the cactus.

I assure you, I'll be watching
Miss Day very closely.

Hey.

Hi.

I am so sorry, Tanya.

Don't be.

I love it!

Jess, you're a
real teacher now.

What?

You're a kid hater.

You're one of us.

Come here. Welcome.

I'm-I'm not a kid hater.

That's right.

None of us are.

Hey, Brianna.

Can I speak to you?

Look,

I know I'm not your
favorite teacher.

You don't like my style.

That's fine.

But I'm not gonna
change who I am,

so you're just gonna
have to deal with it

and respect it.

Also, you're gonna
take this paper,

and you're gonna
sing a duet with me.

What?!

Oh, yeah.

Everybody, settle down.

Camera phones are encouraged.

No.

One, two, three, four.

You really
don't want to be seen

having breakfast
with me, do you?

Are we even still in L.A.?

Schmidt, you and I
are not together.

We're not in a relationship.

- We're just having sex.
- And I love it.

And I'm not gonna be a prize
that you get to show off.

Look, guys are always
just showing me off,

and I hate it.

Look, I... I want to tell people

because I think
that you are the dopest,

flyest...

...smartest, ballsiest,
bitchiest,

truly terrifying woman

that I have

sexually enjoyed
in a really long time.

Do you want
to tell the waitress?

Uh, if I could have
everyone's attention.

Real quick, if
you could, uh...

Hey, guys, call a time-out
to whatever-whatever-

whatever that thing is.
Okay, great.

I am having sex
with this woman right here.

You want to stand up?

No. Okay, you don't want to do it?
All right, great.

I'm enjoying myself
im-immensely.

Uh, it's, you know,

a physical thing,
but I am definitely,

for real having sex

with this girl right here,
to completion.

Parkour!

Hit it!

Down! Hit it!

Down! Hit it!

Yeah.

Hey.

I got you a real plant.

Yeah, I don't want it, Jess;
I'll just kill it.

I know.

You're a plant killer.

And I write songs.

We're weirdos.

But that's who we are.

And that's fine.

And you have
a giant cactus needle

sticking out of your face.

What? Where is it?

Can you get it out?
Get it out. Ow.

# So it's time
we all make a change #

# Find somewhere else
for our loose change #

The song is called "Let Me
Lift You Up With My Robot Arm"?

- Yeah.
- It's catchy.

I mean, the title is flawed,
there's no question about that.

But you are kicking ass
with the comments.

Look at this.

"This teacher is muy caliente."

- Hot, hot, hot.
- "I'd like to grade her on a curve."

Yep.

"Finally, entertainment
that doesn't

resort to salty language."

Finally.

Jess, these commenters
are all you, aren't they?

Yes. Yes, they are.

# A robot arm. #