New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 13 - Valentine's Day - full transcript

That's classic Nick Miller.
Hey look, I'm holding your hand, and what?

Yeah, I want to go out tonight.

Ugh, couples!

Boo. Hiss.

Every time you have sex
with the same person, Jess,

you die just a little bit.

It's like a copy
of a copy.

But lucky us-- we get to go
out looking for some strange.

- Happy V-Day, player!
- Holla!

Look, Jess, truth is, I don't
go out on Valentine's Day.

- What?
- There's no thrill.



You know, all these bars filled
with emotionally vulnerable women.

I'm like a Dominican teenager
playing Little League.

It's just not fair
for everybody else.

It's my first single
Valentine's Day in six years,

and I...
I need to go out, okay?

We need to go out.

'Cause I'm feeling
pretty twirly.

- Twirly?
- Twirly.

- Is that like horny?
- I got the dirty twirls, Schmidtty.

Watch out, 'cause you're
about to get laid... world!

# Who's that girl? #
# Who's that girl? #

1x13
- Valentine's Day -

So, we're doing this--

full-on Valentine's.



What'd you do last year?

I was fighting with Caroline.

What were you fighting about?

Oh, you know, the usual--

about how I make too much money
and I dress too fancy

and I'm too good
at communicating my feelings.

- Right.
- Well, this year

we're gonna make up for it.

You and me
are gonna do

a real Valentine's
Day date.

I know. God,
what's the plan?

Well, first of all, you're
gonna need a map of Arizona.

I can get that.

And a container
that you're

comfortable
getting urine in.

Oh, I have one in my purse.

You do?

No. Bad idea.

You can't go on a first date
on Valentine's Day, Winston.

Dude, I'm telling you,
it's not a first date, man.

We used to hook up all the time.

You know, for two years I had her
number stored in my phone as "Shretty,"

'cause I was too drunk
to type "Shelby."

She just wanted a
relaxed night in.

It actually sounds
kind of sexy.

Dude, we're just trying to figure
each other out, that's all.

You know where that
puts you in six months?

Yeah, watching
It's Complicated on DVD

while you cradle your
newborn baby to sleep.

And guess what?
It's not complicated.

It's about a bunch
of rich white people

who are remodeling
their kitchen.

Are you sure you're
really ready for that?

Dude, it's gonna be great.

What are you doing?

I'm packing
an overnight bag

in case I have
one-night sex.

I've got
a T-shirt, socks...

Is this a sewing kit?

Yes, it's a sewing kit.

Stain remover.
# Hello? #

You don't have

one-night stands--
you get way too attached.

I mean, you could have
an emotional connection

with a shoe on the
side of the road.

Oh, one shoe?
I hate that.

Is this Schmidt's idea.

It's my idea.

I want to try
a one-night stand. Tonight...

is all about what
Little Jess wants.

Little Jess.

Okay, all right.
I am gonna text Kyle

and tell him
to meet us at the bar,

because I'm not leaving
you alone like this...

with all of that.

I'm sorry, I don't know

who's smelling what tonight.

Excuse me, you know where

Julia Cleary's
office is?

Uh, does she need to
sign for something?

Little late for a
package, isn't it?

Let me guess, your
bike broke down.

Fixed-gear,
single-speed.

I've been rocking
a three-speed.

No, I'm not
a bike messenger.

- Follow me.
- Okay.

She can get
pretty cranky

when she gets
interrupted,

but I'll tell you what,
I would still hit that.

I mean, despite
the age difference,

I would just take
that to Pound Town.

You know what I mean?

Just take her a visit
to the boneyard.

You know what I'm saying.

Hey, Nick.

That's my
boyfriend, Nick.

Hi. That's my little
intern, Cliff.

- Excuse me, Cliff.
- What...?

Could you get him a water?

Thank you.

Hey, Cliff.

Thanks, Cliff.

Sorry it's such
a mess in here.

But... I went full out

with the cheesy
Valentine's Day stuff.

Are you ready for it?

- What did you do?
- Ha-ha!

Heart boxers!
These are the best!

- Right? - I'm putting them on
right now over my pants.

- You can't stop me.
- I don't want to stop you, because I...

am gonna be rockin'
this action.

You were born
to wear that thing.

- We can never talk about any
of this, to anybody. - Okay.

- Can we go?
- I have a little bit

more work to do--
just, like, an hour.

- Hey, babe.
- Ooh, you brought wine.

- Yeah.
- Good. We're almost out.

It's not the food!

Come on in.
Pick out a polish.

He looks like a player.

Ah. Never mind.

I thought we said no guys.

I am not
touching his feet.

- I'm not kidding you.
- That's amazing.

Where's what's his name?

We are actually gonna
meet up later, because...

he's got a little
surprise for me.

Spoiler: it's his penis.

Okay, stop. Enough.

Pay attention.

- You're from Oregon?
- Yeah.

- I'm from Oregon.
- Oh, no. What?

I mean, how often
do you meet Oregonians?

I don't know.

Oh, could you hold on
one second?

- Yeah. Sure.
- Okay.

Oh, my God, he's from
Oregon; I'm from Oregon.

- Bad idea.
- No, you can't do this.

- Horrible.
- I'm sorry.

You bonded emotionally.

If you end up
having sex with him,

it's gonna be missionary
with a lot of eye contact.

- Look, that is not one-night-stand material.
- You got to listen to him.

He's right on
this one. Sorry.

I know what
I'm talking about.

I have my 10,000 hours.

Outliers.
You should read it.

Malcolm Gladwell.

It's one of my
desert island books.

Along with Machiavelli's
The Prince,

Freak by John Leguizamo,
any of the scripts

from the first season
of Vampire Diaries,

- a little Phantom T.
- I love Phantom Tollbooth.

Of course you do--
you're a human being.

So no connection?

- Zero.
- Sorry, babe. No.

Good girl.

# #

Hey.

Could I have your cherry?

- Sure.
- Cool.

Sorry.

You okay, lady?

Hmm.

Schwing!

Hey, guys. Um...

this is Oliver.

Um, Oliver

- is a...
- Web creator.

Web creator.

Uh, also,
we both

- love... lunch.
- Lunch.

Love lunch.

- You're kidding.
- Wow, what a coincidence.

When people
talk about

breakfast being the most
important meal of the day,

- I'm, like...
- What...

- what?!
- Is that?!

What about lunch, man?

You want another drink?

If I didn't know ya better,

I'd think you're tryin'
to liquor me up!

Why are you talking like that?

Oh, Oliver...

we have nothing in common.

Yes! I have no emotional
connection to him at all.

But I'm just gonna
eat lunch off that butt.

So, what about you?

What about that
redhead over there?

I thought you
totally had that.

Oh, that's
in process.

This is where I do this
kind of, like, look thing,

where, like, my confusion
makes her confused...

and, then, also
kind of hot.

Let me help you.

I'm gonna make her jealous.

All right, can
you... can you stop?

Cece, you are way
too beautiful.

She'll think she doesn't
have a shot with me.

Can you stop looking
at me like that, please?

What look? I'm not
even looking at you.

The pouty one, the
naughty baby Indian.

I just ate something
spicy, and now my lip is swollen. Mm-hmm.

Baby! Hi!

Hey!

All right, just
get in there, man.

Clean it all out.

Like a dentist.

Hey!

- Hey-hey-hey-hey!
- Wow!

Look, look.

Surprise!

'Shrooms.

- Oh, Kyle, you really shouldn't have.
- I ate three.

I ate three. Three.

On a pizza!

Look at you, man.

You're a champion.

Okay, um, we're gonna go, 'cause
he's about to get real handsy

and a little racist.

So, you'll watch Jess?

Yeah, yeah, I will.

Okay. Let's go, Kyle.

Schmidtty, Schmidtty, Schmidtty.

Hey, um, so, I'm gonna
go home with Oliver.

Great! I'm so happy...

Hey, three words:

Double bag it.

I got that covered. Um...

These guys...

- hundy bag, so...
- A hundred condoms?

- What, are you gonna have sex with an army?
- # Oh, I'm gonna #

- # Get up in it, mon. #
- That's the biggest box of condoms

I've ever seen, honestly.

Does it have, like, a roller?

Like, you know, you go
through the airport with it?

I'm gonna rip him a new one.

Very intimidating.

A normal man

can go maybe three times
in a night,

depending on how
much salmon he's had.

He's literally the most
boring person I've ever met.

He's described every lunch
he's had this week,

and three of them were tacos.

- My work here is done.
- Not really.

Little favor.
He doesn't have

a car, I don't have a car,
'cause I came with you, so I...

No, no, no, no.

No. No.

One of the tacos
had extra cheese,

and the other one
had avocados.

And cheese.

And cheese, actually.

Well, I guess

it's time to take
that Chinese head

out of that Chinese ass, Ming.

That's so sweet.

- I love that. Thank you.
- Hey, I pushed

- the reservation to 8:30.
- Okay, I just need

40 to 50 more
minutes, okay?

- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.

Hey, Confucius say:

"You work for me."

What, Winston?

Hey, man, look, I'm sorry

to call you--
I know you're at dinner.

No, I'm not, Winston.
I'm actually

hanging out with
a guy named Cliff.

Are we hanging out?

That's awesome.

Listen here, man,
I'm at Shelby's house.

And there's
two other girls here.

They're drinking
cranberry juice, talking about

Michelle Obama's
upper-body workout.

I got a nose strip
on my face, man.

- So leave.
- It's just that...

I really enjoy
being around this girl.

All right, so stay.

You know what,
I'm gonna stay. I'm gonna...

Can I ask you something?

With her, the...

is it... is it gentle,

or is it...
not so gentle?

You know what I mean?

- Yeah, I'm gonna act like you didn't
just say that, Cliff. - Fair enough.

Yeah, Ming, I got your text.

What-what part of that
did you not understand?

Do you want some
champagne, Cliff?

What is that?

Is he injured?

No, I think...

Pause. Pause.

Why are you pausing?

Bathroom break.

It's right in the
middle of the movie.

What are...
What's wrong with him?

Why are you still here?

You don't have a car,
he doesn't

have a car;
How you gonna get home?

I'm gonna take a cab, Schmidt.

It's a horrible
neighborhood, okay?

There are youths everywhere.

Youths? Are you
Officer Krupke?

Would you st...

Damn it.

It's Cece. Hello?

Why are you crashing
Jess's one-night stand?

Well, he asked me if I wanted
to watch Planet of the Apes.

- I didn't know he meant right now.
- Ugh.

- What's wrong with you?
- Hate you. Tell him to leave.

Get out of there, Schmidt.

Leave your car there,

and I'll come get you, okay?

What is going on over there?

Where are you; where's Kyle?

I'm at a playground.

Kyle's shrooming.

Woo-woo.

I'll see you guys later.

I love brown people!

That's racist, Kyle.

Excuse me.

Back to the movie.

Ready?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

These monkeys look so real.

Apes.

They're apes.

Oh... you're one of those.

- Get out.
- Like there's a real difference?

- Get out now!
- All right.

Youths!

You know what, Cliff?

I'm sorry,
I'm just feeling very romantic,

and I have nowhere
else to put it,

so happy Valentine's
Day, good looking.

- You know what?
- What?

Put it right here.

'Cause I-I like it.

So how did you get
that far into law school

and then drop out?

Well, I got my heart broken.

- Yeah.
- And then everything got weird.

- I started playing guitar in an
alt-country-ska band. - Sure.

- Gambling a lot.
- Yeah.

There was a really weird week
where I wore a long blonde wig

and I made everybody
call me Sandy Ferguson.

I have never loved
anyone that much.

Then I drove to Mexico, and I
tried to enter a cockfight.

As a person?

Yes, Cliff, as a person.

Come on!

Get me out of here!

Help! Help!

I've had a tough
couple of days, Freddie.

The point of the story is
I looked around at my life

and I realized that I didn't
want to work for somebody else

my whole life.

That is exactly
how I feel, man.

Yeah, but the second
half of that story

is how I went broke
and started working

for somebody else
my whole life.

Okay, what was that?

I don't want to be a lawyer.

I don't want to do this.

Don't do this. Not tonight.

- I'm leaving. I'm leaving tonight.
- Oh, Cliff.

Look what I found
under a pile of depositions.

I'm quitting!

What?

Nick convinced me
that I can't waste

my life doing your
stapling any more.

I never said anything
like that, Julia.

Not doing it any more.
I'm not working

all night on Valentine's Day.

I'm just gonna get in my car,

and I'm just gonna drive
until I see the sun.

'Cause it's got to be
shining somewhere.

And for once in my life,

- I'm gonna spend some time with my birds.
- With you birds?

Woo!
No, Cliff!

We're gonna start
paying you so soon!

Julia, I am so sorry.

I just told him a story

about when I
got arrested in Mexico.

- You got arrested in Mexico?
- I wasn't gonna

tell you until
after you got knocked up

and were stuck with me.

- Now I got to do all this stuff.
- I know.

I'm sorry.

Just go home, Nick.

- Sorry.
- I'll call you tomorrow.

No!

What?

Are you kidding me?

Hey, baby.

Uh, this is my ex, Amy.

We broke up last week.

She can't afford to move out

- 'cause she doesn't work.
- What?

Hey, so how was your night?

Are you serious
right now, Oliver?

- Yeah.
- Um, hey.

I'm Jess.

Hey.

Who is she?

What are you doing here, Cece?

Sorry, I just came
to get Schmidt.

Schmidt left,
like, an hour ago.

No, no, I didn't.

Are you kidding me?

My tires were stolen
by street youths.

Ugh!

Hey, did I pee my pants?

Friends, did I
pee in my pants?

- Guys?
- No, Kyle, you're just on drugs.

He definitely peed, I can see.

See! See!

Who's the idiot now?

Okay, all of you,
get out of here.

- I peed my pants.
- We got to get out of... oh.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

This guy's like a magician.

How does it feel,

Oliver?

Okay, uh, Kyle,

I'm the one you're gonna
sleep with tonight,

so we got to...

What are you gonna do now?

Okay, okay.

Okay.

- My man!
- Get out of my house!

- I will murder you!
- Bye!

- What?
- Hey, Kyle. Hey.

It's a stick.

Go get it.

Ooh, shiny!

Whoo.

What does a girl got to do

to get a one-night stand
around here?

Sorry.

This sangria
is amazing, Winston.

My grandmother's recipe,
so I can't take

credit for that.

But seriously, Tia,

you don't want a man who has
fancier underpants than you.

- I keep trying to tell her that.
- It's true.

You want to have the fanciest
drawers in the relationship.

Boom.

- Wow.
- Hmm.

Hey, are you gonna
be done soon?

Maybe.

She can't keep
eating tacos all night.

Yeah.

Because I ate most
of the tacos yesterday.

You know what?

I can't do this.

You're a really great guy,

and, um, I-I

I mean, I don't know that, um,

but honestly, I was just gonna
use you as a giant meat puppet.

I'm looking pretty good right now.

It's just so hard,
you know?

I feel so alone
sometimes.

And I lied to you.

I'm not a Web creator.

I'm not a player.

- I miss her so much.
- Oh,

she's in... she's just
in the kitchen.

Baby!

Can you make me a smoothie?

You know,
just making copies.

Did you do all of this?

- I did.
- No.

- Yeah.
- Really?

And I just want you to know
that there's a photocopy

of my butt somewhere
in your recycling bin.

Okay.

I had a weird moment,
Julia, and I went for it.

Okay, and if anyone finds it,

I want them to know
that I moved during the copy,

and I don't actually
have two butt cracks.

I know.

What?

I've never ever cared

about Valentine's Day before.

Neither have I.

But it's nice.

- Yeah.
- Right?

You did all the
work wrong, though.

Yeah, I know I did.

That's okay.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no,
do what you got to do.

Hi, Ming.

Yeah, I got your text.

And yeah, it was wrong

just like every single other
text you've sent me tonight.

Call I call you tomorrow?

- Yeah, it's fine, go.
- I'm sorry.

Are you really...

Are you arguing
with me about that?

Are you actually arguing
with me about that?

- Bye.
- Bye, girl, thank you.

Bye.

Bye, Shel.

That was fun.

Any time.

So,

you weren't expecting

a girls' night, were you?

Not really.

You know,

Tia needed some tough love.

You keep doing it.

What?

Making up
for how you used to be.

You don't remember?

Valentine's Day, 2008?

You said you'd call.

You didn't.

Um...

I waited all night.

Okay, I don't deserve
a second chance with you, do I?

But here you are.

Getting one.

- Oh.
- Hey.

- Hey, what are you doing
home so soon? - Well,

I helped him get back together
with his ex-girlfriend.

He made me video-chat

with his mom in Hawaii
for a couple minutes,

and then, um,
I came home, so...

Jess, you don't
your first one-night stand

to be with
some total stranger.

You got to pick someone
who you know,

who's not gonna make a big deal
out of the whole thing.

- Hmm. - You have an
urge, you act on it.

And...

whatever you do,

leave immediately afterwards.

God help you if you
get sucked into a brunch.

- Thanks, Schmidt.
- Come here.

You smell good.

It's probably the oil
of the ylang-ylang tree.

Don't over think it.

Okay.

Don't over think it.

Don't over...

Don't over think it.

Schmidt?

Hey, Jess, what
are you doing?

I was asking Schmidt a question.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?

Were you...?

- What? No.
- ...with Schmidt?

No! No.

I was holding those,

but I...

Oh, my God.

- What has gotten into you?
- No. No.

- And why do you have so many condoms?
- Shh! Don't ever...

Shh! Don't ever speak
of this again.

You need one.

Tops, two. Let's go.

- We'll get these later.
- I was feeling twirly.

- Nick, Nick...
- No!

You're not having sex
with Schmidt.

This is a danger zone for you.

What is happening
out there?

Stop, do not move, okay?

- What? Why...? - Because if somebody
catches us, I'm gonna say

that you drugged me, and
it's my word against yours.

- Okay?
- Okay, yeah.

That-that's fine,
that makes sense.

You smell so
good right now.

You are not gonna believe
the stupid thing

I almost did last night.

Tell me.

Okay, but have to promise
never to tell anyone, ever.

Of course, out with it.

Tell me.

Okay, I almost tried

to hook up with Schmidt

last night.

That would have been crazy.

I know!

Can you imagine? Ugh.

I cannot.

I got to go, okay?

Bye.