New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Landlord - full transcript

Hey, hey, hey, man, this is my spot.
I was here first.

- That's my space, huh?
- This isn't Europe. Move.

Come on, Nick.
Maybe he's a really nice guy...

who's just having a bad day.
- I don't care.

Get that piece of crap out of my space.

Don't...
- Come on.

Why don't you come here,
take my pants off...

Nick.
...and kiss my...?

- Oh!
- Oh, my God.

What do you got to say now? Huh?

My God, it's like The Wire.
- He has a gun. Stay down.



- Still think he's nice?
- What I thought.

Maybe no one's been nice to him,
violence is his tool to express himself.

- Hi.
- Get down. What are you doing?

- Hi.
- Don't kill us.

- Don't use guns.
- Stop it. Just stop it. Just get down.

- Sorry. Take the spot. Be submissive.
- Sir...

sorry about this guy.

- Don't apologize.
- He's overreacting.

I'm overreacting? He has a gun
and you're dressed like a bull's-eye.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

I can't believe this is working.

- You out-crazied a man with a gun.
- Sorry.

Have a good day.

See? It worked.



You always see the worst in people.

- Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl?

- Who's that girl?
- Who's that girl?

It's Jess

Here we go again.
Another text message from work. Look:

"Tokyo call at 11"?

Driving me crazy.
What is she trying to say?

I'm not an expert at
your industry at all...

but sounds like there's a call.

From Tokyo.

Sometime today.

Oh, wait. At 11.

You don't understand. I've been getting
a lot of mixed signals from my boss.

What is wrong with you?
The world is not out to seduce you.

"And bring me the budget reports"?

Why can't she just say what she wants?
What kind of sick game is she playing?

It's all in your head.
It's always in your head.

Non-fat vanilla latte.

We're not talking about coffee...

are we?

Three, please.

Are you sure you want me to...

stop at three?

I have a package for Schmidt.

Sir, I'm very flattered,
but I must decline.

He said he had a package...

for Schmidt.

You're always starting
fights with everyone.

- I mean, not everyone's out to get you.
- He had a gun, Jess.

He was literally out to get me.

Isn't Nick the most negative person
you've ever met?

Absolutely, and you know what?
It all pools up...

in that sadness center below his belly.

He's not wrong, though.
His life is terrible.

You know what, Jess?
I guess I don't live in a world...

where I smile, and people do
what I want them to do.

- You never smile.
- A smile is a sign of weakness.

Ow! No.

All right, everybody relax.

Get out.

It's fixed.

Okay, Nick, I'm calling the landlord.
This is ridiculous.

Don't call the landlord.
We don't need him, and he's ajerk.

See, here's an example.

You never gave him the chance
to show what a great guy he is.

- Jess. He sucks.
- He's terrible.

Don't call the landlord, I'm serious.

Okay.

Hey, Kim, where should I put this...

budget report?

- On the desk.
- Yeah.

Okay. I'll just... Thanks.

Schmidt, my files need sorting.

Do it here...

so I can watch.

Okay.

So you want me to...

sort...

your files?

Is that right?

- What are you doing?
- What am I...? Hmm?

Okay. Because I got this one wet,
I'm gonna...

I'm just gonna replace all of them.

Knock, knock. Mr. Landlord?

Um... I know you probably think
cupcakes are totally lame.

I know I do...

so if you could do me a solid...

and take care of those extras?

Cool office.

I like your...

bucket of...

gasoline.

It's super practical.

What you got there?

Broom.

So I live in 4D.

There are a lot of real
safety hazards in our loft.

Nothing a little landlording couldn't fix.
What do you say?

No.

That's a sweet picture.

How old are your kids?

I did that.

It's me and my ex-wife.

Okay, you know what?

My roommates are really scared of you,
but you're good, and you don't want...

four of us in a dangerous apartment.
- The four?

Apartment 4D, there's only
supposed to be three people.

Oh. Did I say four?

You know what?
I was counting myself twice.

It's so easy to do.

Big personality over here,
so gonna go...

Hey, guys.

I've got a fun exercise.

Take a moment and think back to a time...

when they did something stupid,
how they were treated...

and how they wish they were treated.
- What did you do, Jess?

Open up.
- Did you talk to the landlord?

- Little bit.
- Okay. Guys, go.

- Ginny. Call me Ginny.
- Ginny.

- I'm Ginny. Okay, go.
- Right there.

- Let's go. Go. Okay.
- This is what we trained for.

- Go. All the way, all the way.
- Be careful with the duvet.

Shut up, Schmidt. I'm freaking out.

Oh, my God.
- Told you we didn't practice this enough.

Jess, close those up.

Oh, there goes the chinos.

Brad. Coach.

- Hello.
- Ginny.

I had such nice time visiting Los Angeles.

It's so many fancy people
with their fancy lives.

Hollywood.

Goodbye.

- Bye, Ginny.
- Yeah, Ginny.

- Thank you.
- Bye, Ginny.

- You're the best, Ginny.
- Goodbye.

- I'll miss him.
- I love Ginny.

Someone told me you have
four people living here.

That idiot probably doesn't know
what she's talking about.

You don't want to go in the library.

Who left the library like this?

- Know what? This is so embarrassing.
- You kidding me?

Who left the library?

- Hey, hey, where you going, my man?
- This is a mess.

Oh. Ha, ha. Hello.

Train to Panama all sold out.

Must be the Mardi Gras.

Good God, what is this?

Why would you do this?

This was Schmidt's room.
He painted this.

It is a sexually-charged,
zero-gravity tea ceremony.

Paint over it.

Or you pay for it.

Seems fair.

Who painted that?
- Giancarlo.

Some creepo Schmidt was obsessed
with. He used to wear...

I suggest you paint it,
and you paint it fast.

Have fun, buddy.

To be honest, I was expecting
a lot worse, so just...

Four people is fine.
Just paint over the sex wall...

and don't bother me anymore.

- Hey, sir, wait.
- Jess, let... Let him go.

I just want to apologize
on behalf of all of us...

for lying about how many live here.

- Stop.
- But while you're here...

might as well just fix a few things.

Please, Remy?

How did you know my name?
They call you?

I saw your tattoo that says,
"Hello, My Name is Remy"...

and I just, I took a leap of faith.

Look, I know you're a good guy...

Okay, what do you want fixed?

Close your eyes and point at something.

Her.

Not you.

Schmidt?

Yeah.

- I need you to clean up my hard drive.
- Okay, want me to reformat first?

I said, I need you...

to clean up...

my hard drive.

I should have seen a divorce coming.

You know, we stopped doing
the little things, like talking.

One day, we were humping.
Then everything changed.

We weren't humping.

- That must have been really hard.
- Ahem. You know, it was what it was.

Come on, Remy.

- It was hard.
- It was hard.

All right, give it a shot.

Great.

Okay. Oh.

Here, I'll help. Get... All right.

I'll brace, you pull back.

- Okay.
- Use your hips.

- Okay.
- Oh!

- That's good.
- That's it?

Okay. That'll do it.

Hey, Jess. Can I talk to you
for a minute alone?

So, what's up?
Ready to admit you were wrong?

"Hello. My name is Nick,
and I like eating crow."

- That man wants to sleep with you.
- He doesn't.

- Yes, he does.
- He was showing me...

Anytime a man shows
how to do something from behind...

it's just an excuse for him to get
really close and breathe on her neck.

- Watch any sports movie.
- That is not a thing.

You mind picking up that mug?

No, you're doing it all wrong.

Here, let me show you.

No, no. I've been doing this for years.

The way to pick up a mug
is like that. You got to relax.

- Wasn't doing that.
- Exactly what he was doing.

- You see the worst in people.
- Because people are the worst.

Whoa. Ha-ha.

Five bucks.

Look out, college. Here I come. Ha-ha-ha.

That's it. People stink.

You must have been doing something.

Are you defending the man
who pushed me into the bushes?

People can be good.
You just have to give them a chance.

Hey, little girl.

You like candy?

I sure do.

Great. My nana made way too much.

Why can't you admit you were wrong?

I was nice,
and now he's fixing our apartment.

I'm working up an appetite in there.

Boy, I hope you don't mind
the smell of a real man in your room.

Let me know when you want
to get started on that bed.

Okay.

He's turning my mattress.

Yeah.

This is so wonderful.

Oh, come on. Don't you ever wearjeans?

You look like you should be
distracting Bond at a baccarat table.

No, I'm gonna go meet Kyle.

Jess loaned me her seasickness bracelets.

Going to a party on Greg Kinnear's boat.

You're going to a party on Neptune's Folly?

Yeah, relax. He's not going to be there.

I know, he's in Rio till the 16th.

Cece...

can I talk to you, as a?

As a woman?

All right, Schmidt.

Okay. My boss and I, we're running
a pre-sex marathon right now...

and I feel like we're stuck in mile 25.

I'm cramping. My toenails are falling off,
I'm peeing down my leg.

I can see the finish line,
but I can't get there.

- I need to put one of these on.
- The problem is we don't talk.

I don't know what she's thinking.

Should I make a move or not?

Stop asking permission and go get it.

That's what I would want.
There's nothing less sexy...

than a dude asking if he can kiss you.

Nothing? What if I ate my own hair
and pooped out a wig?

What if I called my mom after sex
to describe it to her?

What if I had a croissant blog?

- Two of these now.
- We're the best.

Hey, Bob Ross, how's painting going?

Going absolutely fantastic, Schmidt...

because everything is easy...

"when you are a battleship,
invading the Bay of Success."

- What?
- I have here...

Schmidt's New Year's resolutions
from 2007.

- Please, read on.
- Read my favorite one.

"Stop pursuing Caroline. She's Nick's girl.

- Deal with it."
- Deal with it. She's my girl.

- Where'd you find that?
- Do not stop reading this.

I was very young. And drunk.

Were you too drunk
to "begin the search for the cocoon...

- Cocoon. Heh, heh.
...that will release your butterfly"?

No, it does not say that one.

- Number three.
- Come on. Ha-ha.

- Why are you doing this?
- I just got bored...

painting over your interplanetary
ass dojo.

This is my favorite. "Find out
where Winston gets his sparkle...

and then steal it."

Steal...
- You were gonna steal my sparkle?

Give me that.

The funniest thing just happened.

I was watching Remy fix the sink,
and I got totally soaked.

You were so wet.

Man overboard.
So I invited Remy over for dinner...

to thank him for all the stuff he's been
doing around the apartment. Who's in?

- I gotta...
- I got a boat, so...

So I guess it'll just be me and Jess.

Uh, heh, heh. Oh, no, Remy.

I changed my mind, I'll be there.

Just watching you.

Remy brought a bottle of...

this.

I ferment things in the basement.

I also make cheese.

- You're not drinking that, Jess.
- Yes, I am, Remy made it.

- Ahh.
- Think you can handle some, Nick?

I'm okay. Need to stay sober to fight you.

Nick, be nice. How hard could it be
to just open yourself up a little bit?

Dip your toe in the pool of possibilities.

Yeah, Nick. Dip your toe.

You guys have a lot in common.

Nick went through a breakup
that was really hard.

- Schmidt said your mom had to fly out.
- That was a scheduled trip.

Did you smell your girl
on your sheets for months...

until they were too soaked through
with your own sweat and tears?

No.

Did you punch out all the windows until
you hit the wall and broke your hand?

Did you go out,
looking for companionship...

a little human warmth...

only to come to in the woods...

covered in animal blood?

In my own way.

Come here, man.

It's gonna be okay.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I'll just go home
and open a bottle of wine.

Yeah, I'll probably just do the same.

I want you now.

- Finally.
- Yeah.

No, no, no, she wanted me to...

- Oh...
- No, no. My God.

- Stop hitting him.
- She wanted... Consensual.

Tap out. Ow. Tap out.

Oh, man, tonight is just... I...

I... I honestly didn't know
if I'd ever enjoy myself again.

So thanks.

Bathroom break. Ahem.

See? I was right.

- What do you mean?
- You're wrong.

He's buttering me up
so he can move in on you?

- Why can't you admit you were wrong?
- How have you lived on your own?

There's no part of that man
wants to sleep with me.

- He's been creeping on you.
- No, he hasn't.

- Open your eyes, like, I'm worried...
- No.

Oh.

Hey, Remy, what happened to your pants?

I've never done a threesome.

That's what we're doing here, right?

This I did not expect.

I love watching you be wrong, Jess.

I might've been a bit off about Remy...

but people are good,
and I'm not wrong about that.

- People are jerks.
- He is hurting from his divorce...

Are you still making excuses for this guy?

Look, if you feel so bad,
then just get in there.

Just dip your toe
into the pool of possibility.

Hey, Remy, let's get weird
and toss that ball around, huh?

So turned on.

Okay, you would have a threesome
with that man to get me to admit I'm wrong?

I think we could do a lot worse than Remy.
He's got strong arms.

Let's have a threesome.

All right, so a m?nage ? trois...

is about three of us.

- Sure.
- Trois...

"m?nage-ing" fully.

Okay. This is happening with this guy.

This is happening right now, Jess.

- Yeah.
- So it's gonna get even more uncomfortable.

We have to keep talking with each other.

Around and communicating.
Let's get some relax music going.

- Great idea. Thank you.
- Okay? All right.

Why can't you admit he's a good guy?

We're about to have a m?nage a trois
because you won't admit you're wrong.

- I'm just saying he's a good guy.
- You're out of your mind.

- Yeah, get into it.
- I am so into this.

I can't wait until we're all "m?nage-ing."

- Are you into this, Jess?
- Yeah.

- Say you're wrong.
- No. It's great.

- Say it's over and it's over.
- Okay. Don't get nervous, Nick.

This is just a regular conversation
we're having.

Yeah.
- Except I'm rubbing.

That's right.
- And I'm going to start...

unbuttoning your pants...

and then I'm gonna unbutton my shirt.

I'm not gonna take my underpants off.
Not right away.

I'm gonna keep my underpants on until
I let you take my underpants off me.

Okay? Because you are gonna
be the underpants captain tonight.

- Makes sense.
- Great choice, Remy.

Nick will make a fantastic
underpants captain.

Let's bring it in. Okay.

You two get us started.

- Get it started?
- Yeah.

- All right?
- Us two?

Go ahead.
- Started.

You know what to do.
Breathe into each other.

- Oh, yeah, Jess.
- I'm not here.

Relax into the m?nage.

Let's get this started.

- You doing this?
- Yes.

- Are you?
- Yes. I will do it.

- Okay. We're gonna.
- Let's do this.

- I will.
- Say you're wrong, and it's over.

- I'm not.
- You can't do this, but I can.

Okay. Let's do this, Nick.

- Let's do it, Jess.
- I can do it.

No. Okay, fine. I admit it. I'm wrong.

Yes. Yes.

I'm sorry, Remy.

What, we're not doing this?

- Not doing it.
- No.

I get it, cold feet is just,
it's part of the journey, so...

Whoa. What is going on in here?

All right, I am not ready
for a four-way. That's...

I'm... I'm...

I'm out of this.

To be honest, I'm kind of riding
a weird ego high.

Why didn't you tell me four people
couldn't live in this apartment?

If we're gonna do a shenanigan,
I'm fine with doing shenanigans.

I love shenanigans,
as long as no one gets hurt.

- Ow!
- Oh.

Okay, just so we're clear,
we're gonna have to live with this, right?

- Yep.
- Absolutely.

Hey, Kim?

I just wanted to apologize for yesterday.

I hope you didn't get into trouble.

I really don't want to lose my job, okay?

I've worked at Associated Strategies
for six years.

Nothing means more to me than Ass Strat.

Your lip is bleeding.

It opens back up when I talk. Look...

Kim, this wasn't your standard...

2 a.m. Mistaken assault
in the parking garage.

I've had a thing for you ever since I was
the husky kid in the mailroom. And if...

If you don't believe me...

there you go.

Straight from '07. Read resolution
number four. It's about you.

"Only think about hot new CFO
every other time I masturbate."

I did not live up to the challenge.

Number seven:

"Start floating idea
that people call me Mr. Finish...

slash Game-Time Jones,
slash The Hook-up-erator."

- Can I?
- Number nine:

"Pick a color of Crocs
and buy them already."

Okay, thank you.

Hey.

Go into the conference room
and dial me into the Tokyo call.

Now.

Yeah.

Pants. Pants.

Five, six.

I dialed you into the
Tokyo conference call.

Yo...

you look awesome.

My door is always open.