New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 11 - Jess & Julia - full transcript

Your sheets are so soft.

They've actually been in my
family for almost 40 years.

Wow!

If these old things could talk, huh?
- Ew.

I was just trying
to paint a picture.

Read the room.

Sheez.

Hey, Julia.
- Hey.

It's so fun having
another girl around here.

There are tampons hidden
all over the apartment.

Ah! Damp towel! Damp!



Here we go...
- It's like a really big Wet-Nap.

Ah. I feel like I'm being licked
by a golden retriever.

Look at this bathroom.

There should not be two girls
in this bathroom.

You're too humid.
You make everything damp.

80% of the products in here
are yours.

Blah, blah, blah,
yawn, yes.

I use sculpting chutney.

Once I'm done with my chutney,
back in the row it goes.

Hair everywhere...
- Yo.

The multicolored rubber bands.

I'm fine with it.
It's all okay with me.

But a damp towel
is where I draw the line.

Sorry, so what are your
thoughts on damp towels?



Oh, you'd better watch it,
Nick's Overnight Guest.

Julia.
- I know your name.

Are you flexing, right now?
- No.

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, I'm gonna just get ready
in your room.

Sure. Feeling a little weird
and uncomfortable in here?

Hey, Julia,
I'll see you later tonight.

Yeah. See you later.

She's helping me get out
of a traffic ticket.

Jess, are you seriously using
the girl I'm sleeping with

for free legal advice?

Oh, I'm sorry,
the girl you're sleeping with?

I mean, you can't
call her your girlfriend?

We're not labeling it.
- Oh, you're not labeling it,

'cause you're too sophisticated.

Don't do your
"sophisticated guy."

That's now how
a sophisticated man dances.

How does
a sophisticated man dance?

♪ I'm too sophisticated

♪ I don't believe
in labeling. ♪

You gotta get laid, man.
- You gotta get laid, man.

Yeah, I need to get laid.

This is bad.
- Get out of here.

♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪ Who's that girl?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪
♪ It's Jess.

You know,
maybe I should call Shelby.

I haven't seen her since
I got back from Latvia.

We did have an amazing time
together.

Whoo! That was amazing.

Yeah.
- All right, bye.

I'm gonna call her.

Yeah, over in Latvia

they had this fermented milk
stuff that they drink.

Whole country runs on the stuff.
Called.

was definitely
one of my biggest endorsements.

I mean, I have a lot
of endorsements,

but that was probably
my biggest endorsement

amongst other endorsements
that I had.

Wow.

So, um... your place or mine?

What are we laughing at?

How much I'm not going
home with you tonight.

You show up after two
years, out of the blue,

and all you do is
talk about yourself.

You don't even let me
get a word in edgewise.

Why did you agree to let me
take you out for drinks?

Winston, you took me
out for a drink

at the place where I work!

Here's your bill.

Thanks for the water.

Man, I told you to get yourself
whatever you wanted.

You chose water.

Have a seat.

Okay.

Let me get you a blanket.

Why would I want
a blanket right now?

Just to get toasty.
Oh.

Would you like a cookie,
or a cupcake? I made them.

Oh, no. I'm okay.
I'm not really a dessert person.

I just don't eat it, usually.
- Okay. Okay.

I'm just gonna put this,

like, right here.

I don't... okay.
Just...

Why don't you
just take me through

what happened with the ticket?

Okay.
- They got a photo of you?

♪ At the scene of the crime

♪ Meh, meh, meh, meh.

Is this it?

Yeah.
- Okay.

Hmm. This may actually be
kind of hard to argue with.

Well, there's actually more
there than meets the eye.

Um, there was a bird--
he's not in the shot--

but he was injured,

and he couldn't get out of the
road, and so I braked, and then

I had to accelerate
out of the intersection.

You missed your first
court date on this.

My ex-boyfriend failed
to send it to me

before the court date,

because he doesn't
believe in mail,

which has to do with his
thoughts on government spending.

Now it's an $800 fine.

That's why I need, like, a
really awesome lawyer, like you.

So... can you help me?

I mean, I can try.
You never know.

A judge might buy into
this whole thing, so...

What "whole thing"?

Your whole thing.

With the cupcakes,
and the braking for birds,

and... bluebirds come and
help me dress in the morning.

Oh, I didn't know
I was doing a thing.

It's a great thing.
I mean, the big,

beautiful eyes,
like a scared baby.

I'm sure that gets you
out of all kinds of stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, except my peripheral
vision's, like, almost too good.

Hey, so...

living here,
it's probably fun, right?

Yeah.
- There are, like, lots of girls

coming in and out
of this place?

Schmidt's like Ellis
Island in the 1800s.

He accepts everyone.

Yeah, and...
Winston and Nick...

I probably shouldn't...

Oh, yeah. Well, you don't have to...
- Plead the Fifth!

No, that's not what...
- Objection!

Nick, hey!
- Hey, Julia!

You want to hang out in your room?
- Sure.

Jess, if you'll excuse us,

Julie's about to be
very disappointed.

Okay, so I will look at
this stuff some more,

I-I'll call some people,
see what I can do.

Here's your blankie back.

Power blazer. Hey.
Ha ha.

What's going on with the ticket?

She has a problem
with me, Nick.

Okay? She doesn't like me.
- What are you talking about?

You don't understand,
'cause you're a guy.

She does not have a problem
with you. She's just...

Nick, your girlfriend's
not a dessert person.

Hmm.

She said you have
"a whole thing"?

I'm sorry,
she doesn't like desserts?

Where is she right now?

Look, I think
I know what she meant.

I mean, you do like girly stuff.

I mean, it kind of
freaked me out at first.

When I met you, you were
wearing a hat made of ribbons.

My ribbon hat.
I love that hat.

Screw her. And I'm gonna
wear that ribbon hat.

Go get it, right now.

Be right back.

Whoa. There she is.

Nick, where is this bitch?

Gonna smack that lawyer learning
right out of her mouth.

Okay, this is getting excessive,
guys.

She's actually helping her
get out of a ticket.

By being condescending
and judgmental?

What did she say?

Ugh, just drop it, Nick.

Okay, what did Julia do wrong?

It's just how girls
fight sometimes.

There's a lot unsaid.

Like one time,
a girl said to me,

"Jess, you rock a
lot of polka dots."

Ooh. How did she say it?

"Jess, you rock
a lot of polka dots."

That is diabolical.
I'm really sorry.

And it ruined our friendship.

I mean, I couldn't get over
the polka dot incident.

Warning! Spoiler alert.

Somebody unplugged
my dehumidifier

to plug in their flatiron.

I will be putting my
dehumidifier, and my towel,

in my room,
where nothing ever gets wet.

All right, you know what, Jess?
Julia's one of those girls

where she doesn't have,
like, a lot of girl friends.

Because she thinks like a guy.
She doesn't play mind games.

So blind!
- Look, all I know

is she's totally
up front with me.

No subtext, no codes.

Oh. Okay. So did she
come right out and ask you

if you were seeing other girls?

Because... she asked me.

She did?
- You didn't know that?

'Cause I thought you guys were
so up front with one another.

I thought you guys told
each other everything.

Yeah.

She told him she didn't
want to label it.

Oh. I mean,
that's a classic move,

even in the lesbian community.

What are we talking about?

Did you just hear the phrase
"lesbian community"

and come running
out of your room?

I did. Uh...

question, for you.

This community you speak of,

do the ladies look, uh...

more like this one
or, you know...

kind of Nickish?
Aw, shut up, Schmidt.

I did date a woman
who looked a lot like Nick.

You did. Felicia.

Why can't you just admit
that she's your girlfriend?

I know, I just thought

it was uncomplicated,
and now I'm freaking out.

I'm not good at
being a boyfriend.

I'm good at being that guy
that you find yourself

spending more and more time with

until you meet your husband.

All right. So, so far,
Nick Miller's list of fears is

sharks, tap water,
real relationships.

And blueberries.
- Barkeep.

Get this man a drink.

Ladies, he hasn't had sex
in four months.

Come and get it, ladies.

I seriously hate you, Schmidt.
- Why?

It didn't go well with Shelby?

I gotta say, I thought
it would be easy.

You know? Maybe...

maybe I don't have game.
Maybe I never had game.

Maybe it's always
been about basketball.

Yeah, you don't have any game.

It's always been because
you play basketball.

Are you seriously just realizing
that you don't have game?

What is your secret, man?
How do normal guys get girls?

Let's not say "normal." Just,
you know, say what it is-- "average."

You've had the most game,
out of any of us.

Because for years now,

you've been working
with absolutely nothing.

He makes a good point.
- Okay.

I've been working with nothing.
- Zilch.

You're right, I've got nothing.

Except this.

Ow.

Oh, my God.

Miller! No Cocktail!

Sorry, Julio.

Julia! Hey, Julia!

Hey.

Ooh. You guys are using names?

That's not too labelly for you?

Hey.
Hey, hey, Jules.

Hey.

Thought I'd drop by
and say hello.

Oh, I didn't know
we were doing drop-bys.

Uh...

Here's a scenario
that's paid sexual dividends,

particularly
in the Asian markets,

and I think, Jess,
you can back me up on this.

Inform her that
you're an aerialist

for the Cirque du Soleil.

Winston, just ask questions,

pay attention to her,
listen to her,

don't listen to him.

Oh, believe me, I don't
take advice from Schmidt.

Never have, never
will. Ever.

So Jess told me what

you asked her yesterday.
- What?

That you asked if I was
sleeping with other people.

That is not even...
I... what?

I don't want to play games.
- That's not what happened, okay?

I just said something to her,
because I was feeling

kind of guilty,
because I'm, uh...

I'm dating other people,
and I just, you know...

wanted to see if you were also
dating other people.

You're dating other people?
- Yeah, yeah.

No. No, I'm seeing
other people, too.

Good. Good.

I'm having sex all the time.
I'm like a mailman.

Except instead of mail,
it's hot sex that I deliver.

I've had to start carrying,
like,

athletic shoes in my purse,

'cause I have to sprint from
one sexual encounter to another.

Can't wear heels.

Well, I'm having sex right now.

Under the bar.

And she's on top.

So figure that out.

Was that her?
- Yeah.

Well, great.
Great.

Then we're both doing
the exact same thing.

And we're on the same page.

Kudos for not putting
labels on things.

That is exactly what I want.
- It's my dream.

Just going to go to
the bathroom really quickly.

Okay. Great.

Hey. Julia?

Are you serious?

Did Nick say some stuff to you?

Because I'm really sorry,
and I want to explain...

Why would you tell him
that I said that?

Do you know what that
makes me look like?

Um...

I see what you're doing.

I know that I'm

the mean lawyer girl

who wears suits
and works too much

and you... you're
the really fun teacher girl

with all the colorful skirts
and you bake things.

And eventually, Nick
is going to come running to you

and you'll tuck him in
under his blankie and...

What is it with you
and the blankie thing?

I never said the word blankie.

I don't talk like Teddy Ruxpin.

If I acted the way that you act
when I was at work,

nobody would listen to me.

Well, if I acted
like you at work,

my students would turn in

really weird,
dark dioramas, so...

I don't like you.

And I don't want
to be your friend, so...

Fine.
- Can you leave, please?

Because...

I am about to start crying,

and you are the last person

that I want to cry in front of.

I want to cry, to, and...

where am I supposed to cry?

You can't monopolize
the bathroom crying space.

Please go.

What are you doing, Jess?

Get out!
- I'm sorry.

Winston, what are you doing?
- Ba, ba, ba, ba,

ba, ba.

I have come here
to listen to you.

Should I have interrupted you
to tell you that?

Probably not.

So how...
how are you?

Tell me about your life,
and how is everything?

Winston, what am I
supposed to do?

I was a booty call
for two years,

and then I was
nothing for two years.

You show up bragging
after all this time

like nothing has changed.

What do you want me to think?

That I'm an idiot.

And you know what?

You're right, and I'm sorry.

It's just that since I've
stopped playing ball,

I realize I'm not
that good at this.

And, quite frankly,
you are way out of my league.

That is clear now.

But... I do hope this is not
the last time I see you,

but whatever you want,
I'm cool with.

I got to get back to work.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'll help you.

See?

I'm the manager.

Oh, you're the manager?
- Yeah.

Wow, that's amazing.
- It's okay.

Case 73.

Mr. Sandoval.

I see you have dressed
for the occasion.

Oh. Hi.

You didn't have to come.

I'm sure you're very busy.

I said that I would be here,

so I'm here.
- Don't worry.

I think I can handle it.
- Let's just

get this over with
so we can get out of here.

Your Honor.

Your Honor.

Your Honor.

These are the facts, Your Honor.

♪ Your Honor.

Case 74-- Jessica Day.

Yes, sir. Yes, I'm present, sir.
- Okay, listen.

You just have to enter
the plea yourself,

all right, and then
I'll do the rest.

Okay, okay. I got
it, all right?

So you know, all you have to do is say...
- I got it! Thank you.

Okay. Okay.
How do you plead?

Guilty.
- What?

Great. Pay your fine upstairs.

Well, I guess
we're never going to know

if the bird defense works.

Such a bummer, too.

We have this pool at my office.

Okay. Hey!

I got something to
say to you, man.

What?

I brake for birds.

I rock a lot of polka dots.

I have touched glitter
in the last 24 hours.

I spend my entire day
talking to children.

And I find it
fundamentally strange

that you're not a
dessert person.

That's just weird,
and it freaks me out.

And I'm sorry I don't
talk like Murphy Brown.

And I hate your pantsuit.

I wish it had ribbons
on it or something

to make it just slightly cuter.

And that doesn't
mean I'm not smart

and tough and strong.

Okay.

And I know you like Nick,

and I'm not trying
to interfere,

but you should just
talk to him about it.

Are you done?

I am almost done.

I'm about to go and
pay this $800 fine,

and my checks have baby
farm animals on them, bitch.

That's the wrong way.

You moved.

You remember my old place?

The place in the hood?

No.

It was hood-adjacent.
- Whatever.

So, um...
so this was nice.

Yeah, it was.

You want to know
what I want to do now?

What?

Take you on a real date.

Why don't you call me?

Good night, Winston.

Winston, what's happening?
- Huh?

Yeah, good night.

What is wrong with you, man?

You got no game.
That was so stupid.

Hey! Anyone!

My towel!

Can someone please get my towel?

It's in my room
next to my Irish walking cape.

The... the bigger towel.

Not... do not touch
the small one.

Okay, I left my
towel in my room.

Nobody look.

Nobody look, yo.

We don't want to.
Nobody look.

Seriously, no...
no one's looking?

All right, forget it.

Aah! Damn it!
- See, he's a natural blond.

What shape is that supposed
to be shaved into?

Think he's trying to
force perspective.

Very funny. I got
to get something off my chest.

No, Schmidt, there is an apron

right over there--
go cover yourself.

You are Jewish.
- You're making me gayer.

Are you going to go on,
like, a big wet towel rant?

No. This is now a sex rant.

To wit,

six months ago, I thought

getting a girl roommate
would mean sex all the time--

definitely with her friends
and probably with her.

Are there women here?

Yeah, sure, more than ever.

But you-- not going to happen.

You, I will never give up.

And you... well, you sample
from the gumbo pot.

I am in a damp bathroom

full of naked women every day,
and I hate it.

It's like a nightmare.
I'm in a...

watermelon-themed apron
with a...

A tampon?

Why would you need this
for cooking?

I just had an idea.

Why don't we hang our
towels on towel bars

instead of hooks, and
that'll make them dryer?

That is the...

that is... that is a great idea.

Quick question for you.

As a lesbian gynecologist,

perhaps, one of these days,
the two of us

could sit down
and talk about OSI.

What is OSI?
- Our shared interest.

Schmidt, clothe yourself!
- All right, all right.

It was just a suggestion.

Oh.

Hey.
- Hi.

Nick's not here.

That's okay.

Uh, because I came here to...

well, I kind of came

because I-I thought
it would be good if you and I...

Hey, Jess, my hands
are actually stuck

in the yarn because...
- Oh.

I didn't realize that you
had people over. Sorry.

No, it's just... crochet time.

Yeah.

Nick's not here right now.
- No, I know.

Thanks.

I'll just come back later.

Hey, Julia.

Do you want to crochet with us?

I mean, growing up was brutal.

I went to
an all-girls school.

The worst-- girls can be
so mean to each other.

Yeah, Cece and I hid
in the bathroom for four years.

This is... this is
really nice, guys.

Thank you for
letting me join in.

It's totally relaxing.

Except that I don't know why,

if I put the fox
through the cave,

it doesn't...
the yarn is broken.

I don't know

why this is not turning into...

What you making?

A hat.

If you're making a hat
for a baby, it is done.

Yeah.

Hey, Julia.

What are you doing here?

Could I talk to
you for a second?

Okay.

Hey, Julia.

Stop.

No, there's something
that I need to say to you.

All right. Then go ahead.

Okay.
- Okay.

I'm going to say it.

Okay, I...
- Just say it.

All right. I-I wanted
to say that...

I don't want to date
anybody else.

I just want to date you.

Well, that's what I
was going to say to you.

Really?
- Yeah.

So, then... so, then,
what does that mean?

You're, like, my boyfriend now?

I'm not really into labels.

Yeah, all right.

Boyfriend.

That's so lame.

You're totally going to...

carry my books home
from school.

I will if you wear
my leatherman jacket.

It's "letterman" jacket.
No, I'm pretty sure

it's a leatherman jacket.
- You letter...

The leather sleeves
that the football guys wear?

I'm right. I'm right.

I'm glad you pitched a fit,

because my towel is very dry.

I didn't pitch a fit.
I just...

Damp!

Damn it!

Everybody-- bathroom now!

What's up, Dad?

What, Schmidt?
- Is someone playing

a joke on me?

Honestly,
why is my towel still damp?

cause it's not your towel;
it's my towel, Schmidt.

No, it's not your towel.
Your towel is the red one.

I'll tell you this, pal.

I've never used that.

I do use that one
every single day.

Oh, God.

This towel's
so warm and fluffy.

It's like it's been
in the sun forever.

This means you two
have been drying your junk

with the same towel.
- Intimate.

Are you out of your mind?!
- What do you mean, am I...

How do you think this is
your towel? Do you even wash it?

No, I don't wash the towel;
the towel washes me.

Who washes a towel?

You never wash...?
- You wash your towel?

You never wash the towel?
- What am I going to do?

Wash the shower next?
Wash a bar of soap?

You got to think here, pal.
- I'm furious right now.

I get out of the damn shower,
I'm clean as a damn baby,

and I use the towel.
- Let me ask you this.

Have you been wearing
my underpants?

Sometimes, yeah. Who cares?

You guys don't wear
each other's underpants?

You're lying. We all wear
each other's underwear.