New Girl (2011–2018): Season 1, Episode 18 - Fancyman Part 2 - full transcript

Nick, your houseguest is
urinating in the bathroom

Tony the Tiger style.

- Naked with a kerchief?
- What?

Naked with a kerchief.

No, what do you call
top, no pants?

- Oh, that's like a Winnie the Pooh
or a Paddington. - Honey the Smacks Frog.

- There's a Donald the Duck.
- I guess pretty much

any kind of bear
except for Yogi

'cause that's naked with a tie.

Alvin, Simon, Theodore.

I saw his entire butt.



Look, Dirk's a good guy.

He was my roommate
when I was in law school.

- Smartest guy I know.
- So, he's a lawyer?

No, he's not a lawyer,
but he does have a law degree,

a business degree,
and a master's in agriculture.

He's kind of like
a degree collector.

He's got his PhD in poetry,
so...

That sucks for poems.

How'd it go with Fancyman?

It was an amazing first date,

except for one awkward
part at the end.

I don't go on dates very often.

Guys my age always want
to skip the date

and just go right for the gold.



Which I don't give them

because I'm stingy
with my gold.

Unless they dig for it.

I haven't even gotten
to the awkward part yet.

Oh, hi.

Black sedan?

Uh, yeah.

What?

So, he patted me on the back.

I thought I'd at least get

a front pat. Whoo-ha!

What?

Look,

he probably just got nervous.

No, Russell's never nervous.

That's the worst answer.

Winston, what do you think?

Oh, thank God.

Hey, what's up, baby?

- Ooh.
- Hey, is that Shelby?

What was that?
That was a cat sound.

Oh, because you did the whip,
we should've...

- Guys! - It should have been
the other way around.

Okay, I'm just gonna ask Cece.

But next time you guys
want advice about girls,

don't come crawling to me.

- You got it.
- That sounds good.

No, that was a joke; I love it

when you guys ask me stuff.
It makes me feel really important.

- And I love it...
- "One shade the more,"

"One ray the less,"

"Had half impaired
the nameless grace."

Are you wearing
a ladies' scarf?

Come to my lecture
tomorrow night.

Absolutely not.

She's missing out, my man.

- Hey, Schmidt?
- Yeah?

Mind if I borrow your car
to take Shelby to the airport?

Oh, I don't have a car, Winston.

Hey, Schmidt, uh,
you mind if I use the, uh,

"man-bulance"?

The man-bulance is resting.
He needs to get ready

for the corporate team-building
retreat on Monday.

That's cool. I'm sure the
man-bulance couldn't handle

all of Shelby's luggage anyway.

Ooh... What the hell is
wrong with you, Winston?

The man-bulance could fit
the luggage of nine Shelbys.

It has the towing capacity

of a thousand Shelbys.

You know what?
Here you go, Winston.

There you go.

- Enjoy luxury.
- All good, man.

I got your second set,
so thank you.

How'd you get
my second set of keys?

Hey, someone left
your door open.

Someone left
your face beautiful.

Who is that?

Apparently, his name is Dirk.

Sorry, Dirk, I'm
seeing somebody.

But should that stop you

from seeing this?

Yeah!

That's awesome.
Does he keep you happy?

He does what he's told.

So you're the boss
and he's your little secretary?

Oh,

you're a sex-cretary?

I am definitely the boss.

Sex-cretary,
he just made that up.

# Who's that girl?#
# Who's that girl? #

1x18
- Fancyman -
( Part 2 )

I hate bachelorette parties.

I have, like 50 different
penis items in my carry-on.

This plane goes down,
there's gonna be

some sharks doing
some really weird stuff.

Sharks? I thought
you were going to Vegas?

No, I'm going to Mexico.
I thought I told you that.

Hmm-mm.

Well, if you don't
want me to go,

I don't have to go.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
I want you to go.

It'll be good, you know?

We spent the last
five nights together.

I mean, you know,
we both could use some space.

Right.

- Did I say something wrong?
- What?

I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you
across all the space.

Hey.

Great news, um,
Jess is taking a shower.

Okay, I just need, like,
a good, solid ten minutes.

Eat this granola bar first.

I want to try something
called the horse trough.

No, Cece.

I'm not having sex
with you right now.

I have to get everybody
in the company's name

into a version of "We
Didn't Start the Fire."

Totally fine.

What do you need,
like, 20 minutes?

Cece, this...
Okay, this is real work

for my real boss who is not you.

Oh, I get what's happening here.

It's 'cause Ponytail called you
a "sex receptionist."

A sex receptionist
answers calls all day.

A sex-cretary does
scheduling, light filing,

basically runs the office.

So, first of all,

thank you for the demotion.

And second of all, I quit.

So, I'll see you tonight.

Did you not hear anything
I just said?

Oh, no, I totally heard you
loud and clear,

but do you know
who didn't happen to hear you?

What are you doing?

Don't-don't-don't involve them.

Oh, my...

They just didn't hear.

Don't bring them into this.

Don't tell me.

Tell them.

Hi.

I guess, uh, Harold, Kumar,

I love... I love you both.

All the zany adventures
we've had.

But we can't go to
White Castle today.

Just can't do it.

You're serious about this?

Cece?

Is Schmidt bothering you?

This is not over.

Okay?

Was it like a caress
or like a... like a pat?

No, like a pat;
It was distinctly a pat,

and it was actually
kind of hot.

The man knows how
to pat a back.

At any point during the night,

did you do
your Kermit the Frog imitation?

Maybe.

Once or twice.

No, stop, it freaks me out
and you know.

Well, what do I do?

I really, really want to see him
again, like, badly.

- You just call him.
- I can't.

He's too sophisticated.

He told me he'd run
with the bulls,

and I quote,

"not the touristy bulls
in Pamplona."

Big deal. Just call him.

Schmidt says the moment
a woman touches a phone,

she loses her power
unless she's sexting,

in which case, she
gains a half power.

Okay, well,
that's Schmidt just talking...

I mean, what does Schmidt know?

Look, all the guys
that you live with-- boys.

You've only dated boys.

Russell is a grown man,

and I bet he likes women

who know what they want
and ask for it.

He has a hot air balloon
in a hangar in Palm Springs.

Okay, sweetheart,
you are sophisticated.

You've just got
to pick up the phone,

and you ask him out for dinner.

I am sophisticated.

I'm gonna do this.

What is that?

It's a phone.

Oh, God.

And thus ends our journey
through the words of time.

From Dylan Thomas to Bob Dylan,

from Dylan to Dylan.

They're both named Dylan.

- Watch him bring it home, man.
- Do I have to?

We have to rage.

"Rage against the dying
of the light.

"And when the light

is no longer bright."

"Don't think twice,
it's all right."

It's over.

Smartest guy I know.

Professor?

- Professor?
- Yeah?

We wanted to remind you

about the post-lecture
wine and cheese event.

A soiree, eh?

Super classy.

Crackers, bubbles,
crab, hummus.

Yeah, I-I e-mailed
you about that.

- That was me. - Oh, sometimes when
I get a really long e-mail...

I don't read it.

Bye.

Oh, Mommy.

All right,
Dirk, what about Deb?

You guys having problems
or something?

No, no, no, everything's fine.

She left me and moved
out of the house.

I guess it was "too
hard to support me."

"Financially."

It's all fine; her leaving
has allowed me to realize

the one thing that was
missing in my life.

Scarves?

Undergraduate ladies.

You see, girls our age,
what do they want?

They want us to wed them,
sire their children.

They want you to have

- a-a bedframe.
- Right, yeah.

Hmm? They want you
to eat off plates,

but girls in college

all they want you to do

is tell them that
their photography has potential.

Yeah, but don't they want to
hang out wth guys their own age?

Have you hung out with a
20-year-old dude lately?

- Trust me, they are setting the
bar very, very low. - Right.

- They haven't even gone through their
gay phase yet. - Hey, man, I'm gonna

give Shelby a call
really quick.

Just want to check on her,
see if everything's all right.

- Sounds good, man.
- What, dude, relax, okay?

I just said we're gonna give
each other space,

doesn't mean
I can't call her, right,

to see if anything funny
happened on the plane.

You know what "space"
means, right?

That's space to have sex
with other people.

No, space means
you go to Mexico,

and you do not have sex
with other people.

Watch this.

Nick, don't give my any space.

You got it, my man.

See, this makes it pretty hard

for you and I to have sex
right now, doesn't it?

Now, Nick, I want you

- to give me some space.
- You got it.

All this space
allows me opportunity

to have as much sex as we want.

Smartest guy I know.

See how much sex

- we could be having?
- That-that does...

Get out of my way, bookworms!

You ready to make love
to some college chicks?

Hey, when's the last time
you had mono?

I don't know.

Tomorrow, you're
gonna say yesterday.

I have that
team-building research

you asked for, Mr. Schmidt.

What... are you wearing?

I don't... I don't know.

I mean, I found this

at the lost and found
at the gym.

I'm not really sure how sexy
a sex-cretary is supposed to be.

I've never had to do this.

I've never had
to seduce somebody before.

If you're gonna seduce me,

don't dress up like
my aunt Frieda at Seder.

Come on, okay?

I will do anything,

and I'll do it anywhere.

All right?

Even fantasy location...

number three?

Okay.

Um, how good are the Beatles?

Beatles are the best.

Were you so upset
when they broke up?

I would have been,
but I was one.

Well, you're not one any more.

How's your prostate?

- Uh...
- I had my breast exam last week,

and, like, they're fine.

It's just boob in there,

but we have to be careful.

Our bodies are decaying.

Are you okay?

You seem strange.

Why didn't we kiss
the other night?

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

- No, it's fine.
- Oh.

- What?
- Hey, I...

- Is everything okay? Oh.
- I got to go.

- This ought to take care
of the dinner. - Yeah.

Okay?

Oh, I cannot believe
I almost left

without, um...

Here, there's cab fare.

- Get home safe.
- Oh.

Baby, look, I don't want space,
okay?

I don't want anyone
to have space.

I want to be standing
right in front of you.

I want the air that you breathe

to be the air coming directly
from out of my mouth.

I want to just be passing air
back and forth

between each other
until it's mostly carbon dioxide

and then we both
pass out and die.

No flights tonight.

Hey, Schmidt, do you mind
if I borrow your car again?

"Of course you can, Winston.
You're so great."

Thank you!

Nope.

Hey, my name's Nicholas.

Nick, Nick.

Buddy, nobody ever regretted
throwing an after party.

Oh, I do.

Dirk, I feel so old here.

Is calling a girl "Shorty"
still cool?

We just got to find your angle
with these college girls.

Your hook, your panty-melter.

Usually, my hook is that it's
closing time, and I'm there.

You were a panty-melting
icon in law school.

If panties were snowmen,

you were March, bro.

Hey.

- Don't-don't do this.
- Skyler, Miriam,

- come over here for a second.
- Don't humiliate me, Dirk.

How cool is my friend, Nick?

Are you a professor, too?

No, no, no, I'm a bartender.

30 years old,

I don't have health insurance.

You know how to make drinks?

Panty-melter.

Do I know how to make drinks,
did you say?

Yeah, like alcoholic drinks?

Yeah, I do that professionally.

You could get me
drunk professionally?

Are you a cop?

Sometimes.

Do you have identification
on you?

I gotta call Jenna

and tell her I'm making out
with a bartender.

Five nights a week.

Jess, you made it to the party!

What's going on?
Why is the cast

of the Social Network
in our apartment?

Dirk is a genius!

20-year-old girls--
they think I'm awesome!

And look at 'em!

They don't know what
Saved by the Bell is

and they've never felt pain.

I'm Skyler's Fancyman!

Can you believe it?

Where's your Fancyman?
Where is he?

I don't know.
It was horrible.

He left and gave me
$100 for a cab!

You know what?

I'm gonna use the remaining 90

to get out of here
and start a new life.

It's been nice knowing you.

Hey...!

I'm gonna die alone!

Oh, no!

I am so, so sad right now.

My heart hurts!

You want Nick to make you
a bayberry breeze?

- 'Cause he is so smart.
- So smart.

Yes, I do. Yes, I do!

This.

I'm not happy! 30 sucks!

Ah, weird party move.

# It's time
to try defying gravity #

# I think I'll try
defying gravity #

It's been two hours.

This is officially crazy.

Also, I have to go
to the bathroom.

Just pee yourself.

So you'd rather sit in my urine

for the rest of the car ride

than admit to Winston
that we're sleeping together?

Yep, absolutely.
Don't even have to think about it.

I don't want to ruin
what we have, okay?

Because if people find out,

they're gonna have
a lot of questions,

like, "Cece, why are
you sleeping with him?"

And, "Seriously, why?"

You think we have something
to ruin?

Earlier, I was dressed
as a sex-cretary.

And I was wearing shoulder pads.

So I obviously

must like sleeping with you.

A secre-tarty.

Shut... up.

This is pretty great.

I'm freezing.

- Yeah.
- I'm so cold.

How are you not freezing?

Does brown skin retain heat?

# Instead of dreary
who-you-were, well, are #

# There's nothing that can stop
you from becoming popular #

# Lar #

# La, la #

# La, ah-ah, ah... #

Take out your tampon
and drink, Trevor!

The Flip Queen has spoken!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Shelby.

Babe, I don't want space.

Neither do I!

That's why
I'm at your apartment.

I got on a plane.
I wanted to see you.

What?!

Babe, look, I'm in Mexico.
I came to see you.

Are you serious?

I miss you, Shelby.

You're so sexy, girl.

In or out of the wig.

I don't care. Shelby.

You make me so feel brave, babe,

and I've never felt like this
about anybody else before.

I love you.

And I carry your soul-song
with me wherever I go.

I love you, too.

I'm coming back, baby.
No space!

Are you traveling with any
non-US citizens?

You actually catch people
with that line?

No, sir, just me
and my American heart...

full of love.

Then how do you explain...

this?

I can't... sir.

No one in the entire world
can explain that.

I am so tall!

I feel like a Chinese
basketball player.

Russell?

Oh.

Hey, Jess.

I'm not Jess.

I'm her cousin... Sylvia?

Are you doing okay?

I want a donut.

Then let's get you a donut.

Please?

I want to talk
to you... alone.

Well, this is a fun group.

Hmm. Can you drop me off
at my dorm?

It's called Hamilton.

I'd like to vomit now.

God!

I've never jumped out
of a moving car before!

That was bad-ass!

- Hey, uh, kiddo.
- Okay.

- Nick, that's the road.
- What's up?

You want the woods.

I want the woods.
You're smart, Russ.

- Come here.
- Hey, it was nothing.

You're okay, Russ.

Okay, we can hug
some more later.

This isn't her, you know.

She's not like us.

She's one of the good ones.

Time to make the puke, Russell.

So listen,
man, it's-it's really

important to us

that our completely equal
sexual relationship

where neither one of us
has the upper hand,

uh, remain a secret,
and while I respect

the fact that you listen to
Wicked while you're alone,

I could use that information
against you

at any point in time.

By the way, there's a stop sign,
like, right up...

Is that a stop sign?

Well, you'd probably want
to slow down...

Oh, my God.
Maybe it's a go sign.

I don't think it's a go sign.

Because if somebody like you

is sleeping with
someone like her,

then maybe the whole damn
world is upside down!

It's just what I'm thinking.

And I want to talk to you.

I want to have a chance
to explain.

That's okay. I understand.

I just... I thought

you wanted a sophisticated lady,
but now I realize that

you like dating younger girls
'cause we think you're cool.

And you know what?

It's working because...

I think you're a hotty
with a body.

Oh. Um...

I got to tell you,
I didn't ask you out

because you're younger than me.

I asked you out
because I like you.

But I-I've forgotten really
how... how to do this, you know.

I haven't dated since 1989...

when I took her to the
picture show in my buggy.

1989 was, my friend,

the year that I learned
to use the toaster by myself.

Oh.

The text I got at dinner
was from my ex-wife.

Sarah's with her this weekend,

I didn't pack her inhaler.

She was having
an asthma attack.

- Is Sarah okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks. I-I...

I just feel like I
should have explained.

And I really wanted to kiss you

- the other night.
- Really?

I wanted to do more
than kiss you.

I'd like to do you,
at some point.

Like, you know, really,

really give it to you good.

Uh, but I've forgotten
how to tell

whether it's the right moment.

I was nervous.

You were nervous?

Nick was right.

He can be really wise sometimes.

Oh, my God, it's happening!

It's coming!
I think I'm dying!

I feel scared and excited!

What do you think?

What do I think of what?

Do you think now
is the right moment?

I think so.

Okay.

Get out of me, you poison!

Wait. Is that your hand?

No.

That's my hand.

- Oh, my God!
- You're welcome.

Get out of here, Dirk!

You get out of here...

Come here.

Hey!

Oh, no!

Where are you guys?

Hello?

Hey, where are you guys?

Hey, could I have walked
out into the mountains?

When does a hill
become a mountain?

It just happened.

I'm so cold.

Who is this?

Oh, my God, Dirk is dead!

Dirk is dead!

Smartest guy I knew.

Norther