Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 9 - Prom Night - full transcript
Why Stacey?
Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed a wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
Right.
Enjoy the show.
- Thanks.
Have a great day.
- Oh, Amy, oh, God,
I'm so sorry I'm late.
If I didn't own this place,
I would can my ass
in a minute, I swear.
How is...
- Amanda, it's okay.
Everything's fine.
I pretty much did it all
while you were gone.
- Uh, the muffins?
- They're in the
oven, timer's set.
- Coffee?
- I just made a fresh pot,
and I polished the
cappuccino machine,
and I totaled all the receipts.
- Uh-huh.
Any progress on that
Middle East peace thing?
- I know, I'm, like,
obsessively thorough.
You're not threatened
by that, are you?
- No, don't, no, no, no, God.
Not threatened, no.
Work here full time, please.
I'm still in high school.
- So drop out, have
a baby, whatever,
as long as you work here.
- Hi, Ned.
- Hi, Amy.
Guess what I got, guess
what I got, guess what I got?
- Oh, I hope it's a
sedative of some sort.
- Ha, ha, ho, ho, Cuban bananas,
or bananas comunistas.
I paid a fortune to
have these smuggled in,
but I think it's
gonna be worth it
because we're gonna be the
only muffin shop in Manhattan
that sells muffins made
with genuine Cuban bananas.
- Do they taste better
than regular bananas?
- They're Cuban.
- Ned, do you mind if I
straighten up back here?
- No, come on in.
Just trying to figure
out how much to charge
for these bananas muffins.
Would you pay $180 for a muffin?
- No.
- $170?
- No.
- $165 is my breakeven.
Give me something here.
- Well, I couldn't afford that,
but I bet there are
lots of people out there
who are really rich
and hungry and stupid.
- Thank you!
Finally, someone around
here believes in me.
I do, actually.
I think it's really cool the
way you ignore your real job
and do all this weird
stuff for the muffin shop.
Ned, I already
cleared it with Amanda,
but I just want to let you know
that I'll be leaving a
little early tomorrow night.
- Leaving a little early?
Okay.
- 'Cause I'm going to the
Mulberry Street Festival.
It's really cool, it's
like this big carnival.
Have you ever been there?
- Huh?
No, no I haven't.
- You know what?
You should totally
come with, like, me.
- Okay, I'll come.
- Great, great, wow,
that's really great, okay.
Then I'll see you
here Friday at 7:00.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, oh, phooey.
- Aargh, banana muffins
aren't very good today, are they?
- No, they didn't
turn out so good.
That's why Ned marked
them down to $60.
- Oh, honey, Ned
still isn't here?
- No.
- Well, listen.
Why don't you go on to
the festival without him?
It doesn't look like
he's gonna show up.
- No, no, he'll be here.
I mean, he's only two
hours and 40 minutes late.
Besides, this gives me a
chance to do more mopping.
- God, she still wants to wait.
This is painful to watch.
- Why does she
have a crush on Ned?
I mean, she's so bright,
and her vision is good.
- This is isn't about Ned.
She's got an older man thing.
I'll go talk to her, boost
her ego, make her feel good.
You know, Amy, I've
been meaning to tell you,
your hair looks really...
- Eric, I just mopped there!
- Oh, whoa, sorry, sorry!
Your hair...
- Oh, back, back,
back, back, back!
- I'm back.
- That's better.
- Your hair looks
really, really nice.
- I just really need
your opinion on this.
I just don't know if the
mattress I bought is any good.
Huh.
I'm gonna get us
a couple of lattes.
Be right back.
Amy, couple of lattes over
here, and what the heck,
let's break out the
good styrofoam.
- Who's that?
- My date.
- Your date.
God, Amanda, I'm really sorry.
I don't think I can
work here anymore.
- Wow.
- What did you do to her?
- Ned.
- Yeah?
- Hello.
Didn't you promise to take Amy
to the Mulberry
Street Festival tonight?
- No.
Maybe.
Yes.
- Ned, she is really upset.
She's actually quitting.
- Okay, let me talk to her.
- No, no, no, no.
Wait, hang on.
I want to say something so
there's no misunderstanding.
That girl is really sweet,
and she's really vulnerable,
and she is the only competent
employee I have ever had.
If she quits because of you,
I will cut that
pretty face of yours.
- Okay.
- Why do you get to stand there?
- I'd like you to do
something for me.
- What?
- Slam this on my head.
- No.
- No, I'm not
asking, I'm telling.
Slam this on my fat head.
- I don't want to.
- You're right, too easy.
Here.
I want you to puncture my
eye until the eye juice flows
like the mighty Mississip.
Come on.
- Stop it, okay, it's not funny.
Just tell Amanda to
mail me my last check.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, Amy, I'm
really, really sorry.
I forgot about our plans.
- You don't have to apologize.
It's my own stupid fault for
thinking you'd actually want
to hang out with me.
- No, but I do.
And I did.
And I really, I just forgot.
I'm sorry.
- Really?
- Really.
And I'm gonna make it up to you.
- Actually, there is
something I kinda want to do
next Friday night.
- Okay, Friday
night, you and me.
- Really? Okay, great.
By the way, it's my
prom, so dress formal.
And if you could bring a
friend for my friend Alice,
that would be great.
So, you having a good time?
- Oh, am I ever
having a good time.
Oh, this is a good time.
Oh, this is such a good time,
it could actually be an
episode of Good Times.
- Oh, good, good!
Eric, Alice should
be here any minute.
- Oh, okay, that's good.
I can't believe this.
You're the one who stood her up.
What am I doing here?
- Because I asked you nicely,
and I have pictures of
you wallpapering nude.
- I just feel so ridiculous.
- Well, who told you to
dress like a Bee Gee?
- Well, you gave me
10 minutes notice.
All I had left was my prom tux.
- Hi, Amy.
- Oh, hey, Alice.
This is Ned and
Eric Moyer, your date.
- Hi.
- Hi, how you doing?
- Oh my God, I love that tux.
It's way retro.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
- It's retro.
- Come on, you want to dance?
- Well, no, no, I
really, I'm not a...
- Come on, Mr. Moyer.
- I should, but I could, okay.
- Ned, do you want to go dance?
- Oh, sure I do, but you
know, I was over in Nam in '68,
and came back with
wooden buttocks.
- Maybe I'll just go say hi
to a couple of my friends.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Alright, go be
with your girlfriends.
Take yourselves from
crayons to perfume.
- Okay, I'll be
back in a minute.
- Alrighty, then.
- Whoo!
- Mr. Moyer, you're
such a good dancer.
- Really, you think so?
Most people just think
I'm having a seizure.
Whoo!
- Want to play Mortal Kombat?
- No, thanks.
- You sure?
I'll spot you a million points
and still rip your intestines
out and choke you with them.
- Uh, no, I think
I'll just sit here.
- Okay.
Did you fart?
- Got the movie.
- Oh, cool.
- God, I can't even
remember the last time
you and I just hung out and
had a fun sister night thing.
- Hey, way, hey, The Piano?
I thought we agreed
on Get Shorty.
- Oh, they were out.
But the guy really
recommended this.
- Oh, give me a break.
I see, like, five
copies of Get Shorty
every single time I'm there.
- What, you think I'm lying?
- Yah.
- Call them and ask.
What are you doing?
- Calling them and asking them.
- Oh, I am so insulted.
You know, you
should really hang up,
because you are gonna
feel like such a fool.
- Yeah, thanks for the warning.
- I'm telling you, hang up.
- No.
- Hang up!
- No!
- Come on!
- No.
- Hey, give it to me!
- No, not giving
this phone back.
- Come on!
- Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I just really wanted
to watch The Piano.
- Oh, you are such a brat.
- Oh, come on.
It's supposed to be really good.
It's the moving story of
a woman's triumph over,
a piano, I think.
- Alright, I'll watch the
freakin' piano movie.
Did you at least
get the Milk Duds?
- Oh, I got Jujyfruits 'cause
they were out of Milk Duds.
- Hey, people.
Don't forget to
get your votes in
for prom king and queen, okay?
So vote hard, vote
heavy, rock the vote!
Whoo!
- So, remember,
you delay payments
on your debits as
long as possible.
- Why is that again?
- To try to maximize
the interest accrual
on your cash reserves...
- and maintain a
sufficient liquidity.
- You got it!
That's good.
- That does it.
I'm going to accounting college.
- Well, welcome aboard
the 43rd oldest profession.
- Oh, there's my
friends from drama club.
I've gotta go sign
their yearbooks,
but I'll be right back, okay?
- Don't forget your hall pass.
- You're so funny.
- I can't help it, can I?
- Oh, man, this punch
is magically delicious.
- Ned, my badminton
team came in third
in the district
finals this year.
Do you want to see the ribbon?
It's in the trophy case.
- Can we run past it
on the way out and exit?
- Oh look, guys.
It's Amy.
- Hello, Heather.
Hey, Jim.
- Hi, Amy.
- I love your dress.
Now I know what happened to
those curtains in the cafeteria.
- Okay, you're clearly
the school victimizer.
Now, don't you need to run along
and spill pig's
blood on someone?
- Come on, Heather.
- By the way, Amy, everybody
thinks it's really sweet
the way you brought your
grandfather as your date,
but I guess that's the best
a loser like you could do.
- You know,
Heather, I'm an adult,
so I can't stoop to your level.
But I'm gonna
tell you something.
You're rude, you're abusive,
and you're a big,
fat, stinky doodyhead.
Hey, kiddo.
Brought you a cup of
magically delicious punch.
- Look, Ned, I know you want
to leave, so you can, okay?
- I don't want to leave.
- You said you wanted to leave.
And you've looked
at your watch, like,
12 times since we've been here.
- Well, it's a
really nice watch.
I just got it, see?
- I've never heard of Dolex.
- Dolex?
You know, between
this and the bananas,
I'm having a bad week.
- Ned, you know I'm not stupid.
I know the only
reason you're here is
because Amanda made you take me
so I'd be happy
and I wouldn't quit.
- That is just not,
man, you are good.
- Heather's right, you know.
I can't even get a
date to my prom,
so I forced my middle-aged
boss to take me.
I really am a loser.
- Amy, you want to know who
I went to my senior prom with?
- Who?
- My cousin, Dewayne.
- So I guess we've both
had lousy proms, then.
- Well, you know.
My prom is clearly
beyond salvage,
even though Dewayne
went into the hospital
and came out Dewanda.
But what the heck,
let's just go back in there
and have a great time.
- Ned, you don't
have to do that.
- Look, I know I don't have to.
I want to.
I've been a jerk, and
that's gonna stop right now.
And I'll tell you another thing.
You and I are gonna become
the kind and queen of prom, yeah?
We're gonna prove to
Heather and all of her kind
that we're the real winners.
How can we?
I mean, no one
would vote for us.
- We're gonna win,
and we're gonna win
the old-fashioned way.
We'll buy the votes.
But first, I'm gonna get
some more of this tasty punch.
God, it is good!
- You know, if this
woman had just learned
how to play the trumpet,
this whole movie could
have been avoided.
- Will you be quiet?
- For a mute, she
sure bitches a lot.
- Amanda.
- I'm sorry.
She schlepped a piano
across the ocean in a raft.
Didn't she think
it might get wet?
- Amanda, you have been
talking through the entire movie.
Now, shut up!
- Oh, tell me to shut up.
- Oh, I will tell you
to shut up if I want to.
Now, let me watch the movie.
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
♪ Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah.
- I am not even going to
lower myself to your level.
I'm just not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna.
Shut up, shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up!
- Hey!
- Oh, you don't want
me to touch you, huh?
- No.
Oh, no.
- I'm not touching you.
- Get your hand out of my face.
- I'm not touching you.
- It's very cute, okay,
ha, ha, ha.
- I'm not touching you, am I?
Oh, look at that!
Hello, lo, lo!
Oh, this finger too.
- You got your
little sissy move.
- Look at that!
Hey!
Get off of me!
- Make me!
- Get off of me!
- Freebird!
- Okay, so hey,
people, great prom, huh?
Whoo!
Okay, so the results for the
prom king and queen are in.
- Wait a second,
I need my queen.
Queen Amy!
- And the 1997 prom
king and queen are
Alice Purcell and
her escort Mr. Moyer.
Whoo!
- I can't believe this,
this is such a surprise.
I'm so happy.
- Fakes.
Son of a bitch, I lost?
Hey, it's a sham!
Hey, the people want to know.
I demand a court of inquiry.
- Ned, Ned, I have been
looking for you, like, all over.
Then finally, some kids told
me there was a drunk guy
over here making
an ass of himself.
- Really?
I didn't see him.
Glad I was focused on
this sham of an election.
Want to go to Marty
Eppolito's after-prom party?
We're all gonna go
in his parents' hot tub.
Actually, I'm already
going to that party.
- Huh?
- Amy, you ready?
- Yeah, in a second.
- Well, I'll just
wait out front.
- Actually, Jim had
a fight with Heather,
so he asked me to go.
I mean, I'm getting
him on the rebound,
but it's okay 'cause
he's really cute.
Listen, I want to say thanks,
'cause other than getting
embarrassingly drunk,
you've been really sweet
and really wonderful,
so thank you,
and I'll see you at
the shop on Monday.
- Go on with your
fancy new boyfriend!
I don't need anyone.
I know in my
heart I'm prom king.
I don't need anyone or anything.
Mmm, mmm, except this
punch, God, this tasty punch.
- I just want to thank everyone
who made this dream a reality,
my parents, who have
always believed in me,
my wife, Amanda,
my little son, Howard.
Hello, Howard.
- You still got
Jujubes in your hair.
Here, let me help.
- Thanks.
Oh, by the way,
I found your ear.
I packed it in ice.
- Where was it?
- Under the couch.
- Always the last
place you look.
- Goodnight, whoa.
Goodnight.
Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed a wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
Right.
Enjoy the show.
- Thanks.
Have a great day.
- Oh, Amy, oh, God,
I'm so sorry I'm late.
If I didn't own this place,
I would can my ass
in a minute, I swear.
How is...
- Amanda, it's okay.
Everything's fine.
I pretty much did it all
while you were gone.
- Uh, the muffins?
- They're in the
oven, timer's set.
- Coffee?
- I just made a fresh pot,
and I polished the
cappuccino machine,
and I totaled all the receipts.
- Uh-huh.
Any progress on that
Middle East peace thing?
- I know, I'm, like,
obsessively thorough.
You're not threatened
by that, are you?
- No, don't, no, no, no, God.
Not threatened, no.
Work here full time, please.
I'm still in high school.
- So drop out, have
a baby, whatever,
as long as you work here.
- Hi, Ned.
- Hi, Amy.
Guess what I got, guess
what I got, guess what I got?
- Oh, I hope it's a
sedative of some sort.
- Ha, ha, ho, ho, Cuban bananas,
or bananas comunistas.
I paid a fortune to
have these smuggled in,
but I think it's
gonna be worth it
because we're gonna be the
only muffin shop in Manhattan
that sells muffins made
with genuine Cuban bananas.
- Do they taste better
than regular bananas?
- They're Cuban.
- Ned, do you mind if I
straighten up back here?
- No, come on in.
Just trying to figure
out how much to charge
for these bananas muffins.
Would you pay $180 for a muffin?
- No.
- $170?
- No.
- $165 is my breakeven.
Give me something here.
- Well, I couldn't afford that,
but I bet there are
lots of people out there
who are really rich
and hungry and stupid.
- Thank you!
Finally, someone around
here believes in me.
I do, actually.
I think it's really cool the
way you ignore your real job
and do all this weird
stuff for the muffin shop.
Ned, I already
cleared it with Amanda,
but I just want to let you know
that I'll be leaving a
little early tomorrow night.
- Leaving a little early?
Okay.
- 'Cause I'm going to the
Mulberry Street Festival.
It's really cool, it's
like this big carnival.
Have you ever been there?
- Huh?
No, no I haven't.
- You know what?
You should totally
come with, like, me.
- Okay, I'll come.
- Great, great, wow,
that's really great, okay.
Then I'll see you
here Friday at 7:00.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, oh, phooey.
- Aargh, banana muffins
aren't very good today, are they?
- No, they didn't
turn out so good.
That's why Ned marked
them down to $60.
- Oh, honey, Ned
still isn't here?
- No.
- Well, listen.
Why don't you go on to
the festival without him?
It doesn't look like
he's gonna show up.
- No, no, he'll be here.
I mean, he's only two
hours and 40 minutes late.
Besides, this gives me a
chance to do more mopping.
- God, she still wants to wait.
This is painful to watch.
- Why does she
have a crush on Ned?
I mean, she's so bright,
and her vision is good.
- This is isn't about Ned.
She's got an older man thing.
I'll go talk to her, boost
her ego, make her feel good.
You know, Amy, I've
been meaning to tell you,
your hair looks really...
- Eric, I just mopped there!
- Oh, whoa, sorry, sorry!
Your hair...
- Oh, back, back,
back, back, back!
- I'm back.
- That's better.
- Your hair looks
really, really nice.
- I just really need
your opinion on this.
I just don't know if the
mattress I bought is any good.
Huh.
I'm gonna get us
a couple of lattes.
Be right back.
Amy, couple of lattes over
here, and what the heck,
let's break out the
good styrofoam.
- Who's that?
- My date.
- Your date.
God, Amanda, I'm really sorry.
I don't think I can
work here anymore.
- Wow.
- What did you do to her?
- Ned.
- Yeah?
- Hello.
Didn't you promise to take Amy
to the Mulberry
Street Festival tonight?
- No.
Maybe.
Yes.
- Ned, she is really upset.
She's actually quitting.
- Okay, let me talk to her.
- No, no, no, no.
Wait, hang on.
I want to say something so
there's no misunderstanding.
That girl is really sweet,
and she's really vulnerable,
and she is the only competent
employee I have ever had.
If she quits because of you,
I will cut that
pretty face of yours.
- Okay.
- Why do you get to stand there?
- I'd like you to do
something for me.
- What?
- Slam this on my head.
- No.
- No, I'm not
asking, I'm telling.
Slam this on my fat head.
- I don't want to.
- You're right, too easy.
Here.
I want you to puncture my
eye until the eye juice flows
like the mighty Mississip.
Come on.
- Stop it, okay, it's not funny.
Just tell Amanda to
mail me my last check.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, Amy, I'm
really, really sorry.
I forgot about our plans.
- You don't have to apologize.
It's my own stupid fault for
thinking you'd actually want
to hang out with me.
- No, but I do.
And I did.
And I really, I just forgot.
I'm sorry.
- Really?
- Really.
And I'm gonna make it up to you.
- Actually, there is
something I kinda want to do
next Friday night.
- Okay, Friday
night, you and me.
- Really? Okay, great.
By the way, it's my
prom, so dress formal.
And if you could bring a
friend for my friend Alice,
that would be great.
So, you having a good time?
- Oh, am I ever
having a good time.
Oh, this is a good time.
Oh, this is such a good time,
it could actually be an
episode of Good Times.
- Oh, good, good!
Eric, Alice should
be here any minute.
- Oh, okay, that's good.
I can't believe this.
You're the one who stood her up.
What am I doing here?
- Because I asked you nicely,
and I have pictures of
you wallpapering nude.
- I just feel so ridiculous.
- Well, who told you to
dress like a Bee Gee?
- Well, you gave me
10 minutes notice.
All I had left was my prom tux.
- Hi, Amy.
- Oh, hey, Alice.
This is Ned and
Eric Moyer, your date.
- Hi.
- Hi, how you doing?
- Oh my God, I love that tux.
It's way retro.
- Really?
- Absolutely.
- It's retro.
- Come on, you want to dance?
- Well, no, no, I
really, I'm not a...
- Come on, Mr. Moyer.
- I should, but I could, okay.
- Ned, do you want to go dance?
- Oh, sure I do, but you
know, I was over in Nam in '68,
and came back with
wooden buttocks.
- Maybe I'll just go say hi
to a couple of my friends.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Alright, go be
with your girlfriends.
Take yourselves from
crayons to perfume.
- Okay, I'll be
back in a minute.
- Alrighty, then.
- Whoo!
- Mr. Moyer, you're
such a good dancer.
- Really, you think so?
Most people just think
I'm having a seizure.
Whoo!
- Want to play Mortal Kombat?
- No, thanks.
- You sure?
I'll spot you a million points
and still rip your intestines
out and choke you with them.
- Uh, no, I think
I'll just sit here.
- Okay.
Did you fart?
- Got the movie.
- Oh, cool.
- God, I can't even
remember the last time
you and I just hung out and
had a fun sister night thing.
- Hey, way, hey, The Piano?
I thought we agreed
on Get Shorty.
- Oh, they were out.
But the guy really
recommended this.
- Oh, give me a break.
I see, like, five
copies of Get Shorty
every single time I'm there.
- What, you think I'm lying?
- Yah.
- Call them and ask.
What are you doing?
- Calling them and asking them.
- Oh, I am so insulted.
You know, you
should really hang up,
because you are gonna
feel like such a fool.
- Yeah, thanks for the warning.
- I'm telling you, hang up.
- No.
- Hang up!
- No!
- Come on!
- No.
- Hey, give it to me!
- No, not giving
this phone back.
- Come on!
- Oh, oh, hey, hey, hey.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I just really wanted
to watch The Piano.
- Oh, you are such a brat.
- Oh, come on.
It's supposed to be really good.
It's the moving story of
a woman's triumph over,
a piano, I think.
- Alright, I'll watch the
freakin' piano movie.
Did you at least
get the Milk Duds?
- Oh, I got Jujyfruits 'cause
they were out of Milk Duds.
- Hey, people.
Don't forget to
get your votes in
for prom king and queen, okay?
So vote hard, vote
heavy, rock the vote!
Whoo!
- So, remember,
you delay payments
on your debits as
long as possible.
- Why is that again?
- To try to maximize
the interest accrual
on your cash reserves...
- and maintain a
sufficient liquidity.
- You got it!
That's good.
- That does it.
I'm going to accounting college.
- Well, welcome aboard
the 43rd oldest profession.
- Oh, there's my
friends from drama club.
I've gotta go sign
their yearbooks,
but I'll be right back, okay?
- Don't forget your hall pass.
- You're so funny.
- I can't help it, can I?
- Oh, man, this punch
is magically delicious.
- Ned, my badminton
team came in third
in the district
finals this year.
Do you want to see the ribbon?
It's in the trophy case.
- Can we run past it
on the way out and exit?
- Oh look, guys.
It's Amy.
- Hello, Heather.
Hey, Jim.
- Hi, Amy.
- I love your dress.
Now I know what happened to
those curtains in the cafeteria.
- Okay, you're clearly
the school victimizer.
Now, don't you need to run along
and spill pig's
blood on someone?
- Come on, Heather.
- By the way, Amy, everybody
thinks it's really sweet
the way you brought your
grandfather as your date,
but I guess that's the best
a loser like you could do.
- You know,
Heather, I'm an adult,
so I can't stoop to your level.
But I'm gonna
tell you something.
You're rude, you're abusive,
and you're a big,
fat, stinky doodyhead.
Hey, kiddo.
Brought you a cup of
magically delicious punch.
- Look, Ned, I know you want
to leave, so you can, okay?
- I don't want to leave.
- You said you wanted to leave.
And you've looked
at your watch, like,
12 times since we've been here.
- Well, it's a
really nice watch.
I just got it, see?
- I've never heard of Dolex.
- Dolex?
You know, between
this and the bananas,
I'm having a bad week.
- Ned, you know I'm not stupid.
I know the only
reason you're here is
because Amanda made you take me
so I'd be happy
and I wouldn't quit.
- That is just not,
man, you are good.
- Heather's right, you know.
I can't even get a
date to my prom,
so I forced my middle-aged
boss to take me.
I really am a loser.
- Amy, you want to know who
I went to my senior prom with?
- Who?
- My cousin, Dewayne.
- So I guess we've both
had lousy proms, then.
- Well, you know.
My prom is clearly
beyond salvage,
even though Dewayne
went into the hospital
and came out Dewanda.
But what the heck,
let's just go back in there
and have a great time.
- Ned, you don't
have to do that.
- Look, I know I don't have to.
I want to.
I've been a jerk, and
that's gonna stop right now.
And I'll tell you another thing.
You and I are gonna become
the kind and queen of prom, yeah?
We're gonna prove to
Heather and all of her kind
that we're the real winners.
How can we?
I mean, no one
would vote for us.
- We're gonna win,
and we're gonna win
the old-fashioned way.
We'll buy the votes.
But first, I'm gonna get
some more of this tasty punch.
God, it is good!
- You know, if this
woman had just learned
how to play the trumpet,
this whole movie could
have been avoided.
- Will you be quiet?
- For a mute, she
sure bitches a lot.
- Amanda.
- I'm sorry.
She schlepped a piano
across the ocean in a raft.
Didn't she think
it might get wet?
- Amanda, you have been
talking through the entire movie.
Now, shut up!
- Oh, tell me to shut up.
- Oh, I will tell you
to shut up if I want to.
Now, let me watch the movie.
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.
♪ Nah, nah, nah,
nah, nah, nah, nah.
- I am not even going to
lower myself to your level.
I'm just not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna.
Shut up, shut up, shut up,
shut up, shut up, shut up!
- Hey!
- Oh, you don't want
me to touch you, huh?
- No.
Oh, no.
- I'm not touching you.
- Get your hand out of my face.
- I'm not touching you.
- It's very cute, okay,
ha, ha, ha.
- I'm not touching you, am I?
Oh, look at that!
Hello, lo, lo!
Oh, this finger too.
- You got your
little sissy move.
- Look at that!
Hey!
Get off of me!
- Make me!
- Get off of me!
- Freebird!
- Okay, so hey,
people, great prom, huh?
Whoo!
Okay, so the results for the
prom king and queen are in.
- Wait a second,
I need my queen.
Queen Amy!
- And the 1997 prom
king and queen are
Alice Purcell and
her escort Mr. Moyer.
Whoo!
- I can't believe this,
this is such a surprise.
I'm so happy.
- Fakes.
Son of a bitch, I lost?
Hey, it's a sham!
Hey, the people want to know.
I demand a court of inquiry.
- Ned, Ned, I have been
looking for you, like, all over.
Then finally, some kids told
me there was a drunk guy
over here making
an ass of himself.
- Really?
I didn't see him.
Glad I was focused on
this sham of an election.
Want to go to Marty
Eppolito's after-prom party?
We're all gonna go
in his parents' hot tub.
Actually, I'm already
going to that party.
- Huh?
- Amy, you ready?
- Yeah, in a second.
- Well, I'll just
wait out front.
- Actually, Jim had
a fight with Heather,
so he asked me to go.
I mean, I'm getting
him on the rebound,
but it's okay 'cause
he's really cute.
Listen, I want to say thanks,
'cause other than getting
embarrassingly drunk,
you've been really sweet
and really wonderful,
so thank you,
and I'll see you at
the shop on Monday.
- Go on with your
fancy new boyfriend!
I don't need anyone.
I know in my
heart I'm prom king.
I don't need anyone or anything.
Mmm, mmm, except this
punch, God, this tasty punch.
- I just want to thank everyone
who made this dream a reality,
my parents, who have
always believed in me,
my wife, Amanda,
my little son, Howard.
Hello, Howard.
- You still got
Jujubes in your hair.
Here, let me help.
- Thanks.
Oh, by the way,
I found your ear.
I packed it in ice.
- Where was it?
- Under the couch.
- Always the last
place you look.
- Goodnight, whoa.
Goodnight.