Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 10 - Saved by the Belvedere - full transcript
I cheated on my history test.
- Oh.
- I didn't mean to,
it was just real hard
and I couldn't remember
anything, and I was
sittin' right next
to this Korean kid.
So I copied off him.
- I see.
And what are you
going to do about it?
Okay, let's stop
tape, so you see, Eric,
Mr. Belvedere never
actually tells Wesley
what is right and wrong.
- Never?
- Never.
- Wesley is allowed
to reach his own moral
decision through a series
of Socratic questions
provided by one Mr. Belvedere.
- Here's a question, turn
on the freakin' Knicks game!
- Honey, honey, we've
gotta watch this for work,
Ned's tryin' to get the guy
who plays Mr. Belvedere
to do a series of commercials
of Cappuccino in a Can.
- Oh, hey, obscure
sitcom butler hockin'
a crappy product,
yeah, I'm watching.
For your information,
Cynico de Bergerac...
Mr. Belvedere was a
beacon in the darkness.
For millions and millions
of kids just like me.
- Weren't you, like, 28
when that show was on?
- Oh, you can do the math,
but you can't feel the hurt.
- I got it, I got it!
The affidavit for our
final divorce proceedings!
- Let me see it, let me see it.
Still warm.
- Look, under reason for
separation I put impotence.
Hope you don't mind.
- Oh, hey, Mr. Bobbitt,
can I watch the game now?
- Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, Ned, Ned!
What's he doing now? Writing?
- Writing indeed,
Eric, in his journal.
Somewhat less
tenuous than before.
I even have my green card.
So there, Wesley.
I suppose if I'm not
careful, I may even
wind up an American citizen.
What will I tell the queen?
- I loved this episode,
could we watch
it from the beginning?
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
- It was business.
- Strictly business.
Here's the deal, to
get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
Right, enjoy the show.
Belvedere, anyone home?
Go away, I said you'd
get your money in June.
- No, no, no, it's Ned
Dorsey from the ad agency.
You talked to my
assistant about the
Cappuccino in a Can campaign?
- Yes, right, right,
Mr. Dorsey, one moment.
Won't you come in?
Thanks, thank you.
Whoa, I don't believe,
wow, Mr. Belvedere's,
nice to meet you,
I can't believe,
I'm a big fan of yours, and
wow, and this place, I tell ya.
It's good to meet you, huh?
- Well, now, can I
get you something?
A cool drink? A toaster oven?
The serial number's been
filed, so it can't be traced.
- Uh, thanks. Thank you.
- Won't you sit down?
- Sure, sure.
I gotta tell ya, we're
all pretty excited
at the prospect of you
doin' this campaign.
- Well, that's very
flattering of you,
but I'm not really interested.
- Really? Why not?
- Well, because I don't
really feel that anybody
cares about
Mr. Belvedere anymore.
- Oh no, no, no, no,
my whole generation
cares, believe me.
When you caught
Wesley in a lie, well,
you caught us in a lie.
When you helped Heather
with her boy problems,
by Jukey, it helped us
with our boy problems.
We're adults now, we drink
cappuccino, and if you tell
us to drink it out
of a can, we will.
We'd drink Liquid Plumber
out of a monkey skull
if you told us to.
- Yeah, well, those
are very kind words,
but it's just not something
that I'm interested in.
Anyway, thank
you for dropping by.
- Oh, okay.
I guess we'll have to
move on to Tony Danza.
- Danza?
- Yeah, yeah.
Apparently there's a
certain faction at the agency
that believes that he is
America's favorite housekeeper.
Housekeeper?
He'd prefer strutting
around in his Jordache jeans
than doing his chores properly.
- Thanks for your time,
gotta go and pick up
some Italian cookies, I
hear that Tony likes 'em.
Danza.
Could never figure
out who the boss was.
- Wait!
- Hmm?
- I guess there was a
reason that I saved this.
Oh.
So, as you can see, Warren,
we've spared no expense
to sell your product, I
mean, over here we've
got the Belvedere
kitchen set, over to my right
we've got the
bedroom set, so huh,
can you feel the heat,
can you feel the magic?
- Oh look, Ned, I agreed to
this whole Belvedere angle
because of your reputation
and because of your
enthusiasm for the
whole approach, but I,
I have my doubts.
- Hey, hey, hey, come on,
you know, let's ask somebody
at random, like this guy.
Say friend, how do you feel
about the return of Belvedere?
- Oh, it's not a return,
it's a coming home.
A homecoming, if you will.
- Huh, you see? Huh, huh?
- Belvedere, comin' through.
- At your service, Mr. Dorsey.
- How are ya, you
cardiganned Adonis, you?
You all ready to
go, know your lines?
- Oh, indeed, I do.
- Okay, everybody to one!
Places, let's roll some film.
- Rolling, Cappuccino
in a Can, take one.
- Okay, Mr. Belvedere.
You're tired, you're
thirsty, it's the middle
of the day, but you want
a cappuccino in a can.
Let's make it real, but
have fun with it, and action.
- Oh, hello there.
Perhaps you remember
me, I'm Mr. Blevedere.
Sorry, just a little
rusty, I suppose.
- Back to one.
Okay, film is cheap,
we're here for you.
Let's get it on. Action.
- Oh, hello there.
Perhaps you remember me.
I'm Mr. Stevedore,
uh, Senior Bilfedor,
uh, Balbo Biggins, uh,
Balbo Baggins, uh, Bit...
Cut!
Okay, how you feelin', big guy?
- Something is throwing me off.
Wait, in the show, the
sink was over there.
- You know, you're
absolutely right,
the sink was over
there, but I gotta tell you,
I really don't think
anybody's gonna notice.
I did.
- Rico.
- Yeah?
- How much would it
cost to move the sink?
- Well, union carpenters,
a plumber, we lose
a day of shooting,
that's about 75 grand.
- Very good, I'll see
you all in the morning.
- Wanna take a
step class with me?
- Oh, hey, honey.
- Where you been, I've been
holding dinner for an hour.
- Oh, I'm sorry, the
oven at the muffin shop
broke again, and I
had to sit and wait two
hours for the repairman.
- What, Fernando can't sit?
- Not since he backed
into the mixer, no.
Oh God, shoot, all right,
I gotta take a shower
and get right back there.
- What, you're going back?
But Amanda, we agreed,
tonight is Thursday, it's sex night!
- Well, the place does not
run itself, I'm sorry, okay?
- Fine, I'll have
sex night by myself.
Again.
- Uh, Eric, what is Mr. Belvedere
doing in our bathroom?
- You were just in
there, you tell me.
- Eric!
- Okay, look, he's very
emotionally fragile,
Ned wanted somebody
to keep an eye on him
until the shoot is over,
we have a guest room, so...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
he's gonna sleep here?
- Well, what do you care,
you're not gonna be here.
- No, well, that is not
the point, this is our home.
This is not some
bed and breakfast
for cheesy sitcom characters.
He's behind me, isn't he?
- Yep.
Hello.
- Amanda, this is Mr. Belvedere.
- How do you do?
- How do you do? Hi.
We're gonna talk
about this later.
- I hope I wasn't the
cause of that little skirmish.
- No, no, no, it's not
you, it's been goin'
on like this for weeks.
- Oh?
- Yeah, ever since she
started runnin' that muffin shop,
she doesn't care about
me anymore, all she cares
about is her stupid muffins.
- I can't believe
that's true, Eric.
Sure seems like it.
- In fact, my guess
is that Amanda works
so hard at the muffin
shop because she
really cares about you.
- Gee, you really think
so, Mr. Belvedere?
- I know so.
- Really?
- And I know another thing,
these brownies are delicious.
Just the thing to cheer you up.
- But I haven't
had my dinner yet.
- Consider it our little secret.
Okay, okay.
- So, Mr. Belvedere,
what should I do?
- If you love him,
just tell him, sir.
- Thanks, I will!
- Okay, think we can
get this thing shot now?
- Um, yes, absolutely,
um, smooth sailin'
from here on out, Warren.
Okay, Belvey, how you feelin'?
See that we moved the sink, huh?
- Yes, lovely, thank you.
- Okay, all right, let's set
up for the first and last take!
- Ned!
- I have been tryin' to
track you down all morning.
Our court date is tomorrow.
If you don't have this
signed and notarized,
the judge is not gonna
believe you're impotent!
- He'll believe I'm impotent,
even if I have to
prove it in open court.
- Oh, Mr. Belvedere! Hi!
Hi, I'm Stacey, Ned's wife.
- Oh, it's a pleasure.
- You know, uh, I write
for Skyward, the official
in-flight magazine
for Dollar Jet Airlines,
and I would love to do
a feature article on you,
I don't know, something like
Mr. Belvedere's Travel Tips.
- Certainly, perhaps we could
get together for a late lunch.
- Oh, I'm buying!
- Then I'm eating.
- This is fun, can you
stay, you can't, too bad, bye!
But...
Bye, I'll see you tomorrow!
- Bye.
- Okay!
- Okay, places,
everybody, settle!
Roll up!
- Rolling, Cappuccino
in a Can, take one.
- Okay, Belvey,
here's the situation.
Heather's gettin' a C
on her Spanish test,
and human remians have
been found under Wesley's bed.
But you, you feel like
a tasty treat in a can.
You do, oh, you do.
Action.
- Hello there.
I'm Mr. Belvedere.
Even America's favorite
housekeeper has to take
a break every now
and then, and when I do,
wait, could we
stop for a moment?
Cut!
Problem?
- Well, Mr. Belvedere
would never take a break
this early in the morning.
- Why?
- Well, because I have
the dinner to prepare,
and the laundry has
to be hung out to dry.
Huh?
I mean, okay, uh, so
what time of the day
would you like it to be?
- 5:30.
- 5:30 it is.
- It is? Where did the day go?
I have a pot roast to prepare!
We're screwed.
- Oh, hey, pumpkin.
- Hi, Mom.
- Where's Daddy?
- Out burying my hamster.
- Oh, Scooter died?
Oh honey, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay, he was old anyway.
- I just don't get it, I mean,
he was fine this morning,
he was runnin' on his little
wheel, I mean, he was fine.
- I know Scooter meant
a great deal to you, Eric.
- Why did this have to
happen, Mr. Belvedere?
Was God mad at Scooter?
Of course not.
But you know, all living
creatures have to die sometime.
It's nature's way.
- I guess.
Am I gonna die, Mr. Belvedere?
- Not for a very long time.
- That's it!
- Oh, hey, honey.
- What the hell
is going on here?
- Uh, well, um, Scooter
died, but I'm okay now.
Mr. Belvedere was explaining
to me what happens when we die.
- Um, Eric, you're 34 years old,
your uncle is dead,
and your father is dead,
and you've killed men in combat,
you don't need Mr. Belvedere
to explain death to you!
- That's fine, but you
don't have to embarrass
me in front of him.
I hate you!
- Wha..., Eric...
- You know, Amanda, sometimes
when we lash out at others...
Back off, Hazel.
- And so, with a cheery,
'Ta-ta, ' and a playful wink,
Mr. Belvedere hopped
aboard his motor scooter
and sped off down
the left side of the road.
Careful, Mr. Belvedere!
So what do you think?
Amanda?
- Huh? Oh God, how
long have I been out?
The muffins!
- Stacey.
- Hi, how are you?
- You know, I waited for
two hours at the courthouse,
where have you been?
- I was gonna go, but
then it occurred to me
that when two
people get a divorce,
the only real winner is hate.
- He got to you, didn't he?
- Who?
- You know who,
that's Belve-speak!
- Actually, he's very wise, Ned.
- No, he's not wise.
He's a Weeble, and
when he wobbles,
he sells toasters
on his way down!
Can you believe this?
- Hey, pally, don't complain
to me about Belvedere.
Do you know that my
husband is being fitted
for glasses right now
because that nutcase
convinced him that they're
nothing to be ashamed of.
- Well, they're not.
He doesn't need glasses!
- This is all my fault,
what have I done?
I've done this to us all.
I just wanted to bring
Belvedere back to life.
What have I wrought?
Is it so wrong to
resurrect the dead?
Is it?
Rico, are we all set
to go, how's it lookin'?
Ned, is that you?
- Gimmie those!
- I'm not ashamed, I'm not...
- Shut up!
- So, Ned, are we gonna
shoot this commercial today?
- Oh, we are gonna
shoot this commercial,
or we shoot Belvedere.
Either way, we're
shootin' Belvedere.
Okay, Belvey, uh, you ready?
- Yes, indeed.
- Okay, uh, let's
roll some film.
- Rolling, Cappuccino
in a Can, take three.
- Okay, thirsty,
drink, can, action.
- Oh, hello there.
I'm Mr. Belvedere.
Even America's favorite
housekeeper has to take
a break every now
and then, and when I do,
I reach for a rich, frosty
Cappuccino in a Can.
It tastes so delicious!
Mmm!
Wasn't there a sink there?
Cut.
What are you doing?
- Well, I'm sorry,
but I can't drink this,
it tastes like swill.
- Okay, we'll put something
in there that you can drink.
Tea, vodka, lamb
gravy, whatever.
- No, that would
be like telling a lie,
and Mr. Belvedere
does not tell lies.
Loony man, you are
not Mr. Belvedere!
You're a dangerously confused
loner camping on the fringes
of good and decent society!
And your toasters
brown unevenly.
- How dare you!
So, he is funny.
- Hey, Ned, I love...
- Oh, not now!
Okay, here's how it's gonna go,
I'm gonna kill him, I'm
gonna wear his skin,
and I'm doin' the
commercial myself.
I'm gonna silence some
lambs, Clarice, back me up.
- No, no, no, wait a,
Ned, Ned, Ned, Ned!
Ned, you know, sometimes,
when we lash out at others,
we're really just
lashing out at ourselves.
- Remind me to have
you deprogrammed.
Listen, uh, can I talk to you?
Mr. Belvedere?
Who is it?
- Uh, it's, uh, it's
Ned, can I come in?
- If you wish.
- Hey, this is a
really neat bedroom.
- Thank you.
- Listen, um, Mr. Belvedere,
I'm sorry that I got
all sore at you, and, you know,
wanted to kill you and stuff.
'Cause now I realize
that killing's wrong.
So you wanna come out
and do the commercial?
- No, it would betray
all my principles.
- I mean, you know, principles
are a good thing to have,
just like legally-binding
contracts,
which we have with you.
Oh yes.
- And I really think that
the police would frown
on your little toaster
business, don't you?
Ooh!
- So, what say we keep your
Belve-derrier out
of the pokey, huh?
- I think we have a commercial
to make, Mr. Dorsey.
We sure do!
Stacey, my Cappucino
in a Can spot's comin' on.
- Oh, ooh!
- Huh? There it is, here it is.
After a day of cleanin'
up after Angela,
Mona, and the kids,
I need a pick me up,
so I grab a refreshing
Cappuccino in a Can.
You do the same, and
tell 'em Tony sent ya.
- What happened
to Mr. Belvedere?
- Oh, well, you know,
he did fine, uh, but then
we did some market
testing and realized that
small children
are scared of him.
- Well, where's
Mr. Belvedere now?
- I dunno.
All in all, my time
spent with Ned Dorsey
and company was a
memorable experience.
He's a fine young man,
and I'm sure the television
commercial will be a big smash.
Wesley should be returning
from summer camp soon.
I have to admit, I
miss the little fellow,
rascal that he is.
Hi, Ned, it's Jodie from
the Belvedere shoot,
I thought we could get
together sometime, call me.
It's Jodie again, uh, haven't
heard from you, but I think
my machine might be broken.
Wanna see Ms.
Saigon on Saturday?
Ned, I'm at the theater,
where are you, how
can you embarrass me
in front of my
parents like this?
Hey, stranger, it's me.
I know you're home,
'cause I'm in your bedroom,
and I'm wearing a thong.
Good night, whoa!
Good night.
- Oh.
- I didn't mean to,
it was just real hard
and I couldn't remember
anything, and I was
sittin' right next
to this Korean kid.
So I copied off him.
- I see.
And what are you
going to do about it?
Okay, let's stop
tape, so you see, Eric,
Mr. Belvedere never
actually tells Wesley
what is right and wrong.
- Never?
- Never.
- Wesley is allowed
to reach his own moral
decision through a series
of Socratic questions
provided by one Mr. Belvedere.
- Here's a question, turn
on the freakin' Knicks game!
- Honey, honey, we've
gotta watch this for work,
Ned's tryin' to get the guy
who plays Mr. Belvedere
to do a series of commercials
of Cappuccino in a Can.
- Oh, hey, obscure
sitcom butler hockin'
a crappy product,
yeah, I'm watching.
For your information,
Cynico de Bergerac...
Mr. Belvedere was a
beacon in the darkness.
For millions and millions
of kids just like me.
- Weren't you, like, 28
when that show was on?
- Oh, you can do the math,
but you can't feel the hurt.
- I got it, I got it!
The affidavit for our
final divorce proceedings!
- Let me see it, let me see it.
Still warm.
- Look, under reason for
separation I put impotence.
Hope you don't mind.
- Oh, hey, Mr. Bobbitt,
can I watch the game now?
- Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, Ned, Ned!
What's he doing now? Writing?
- Writing indeed,
Eric, in his journal.
Somewhat less
tenuous than before.
I even have my green card.
So there, Wesley.
I suppose if I'm not
careful, I may even
wind up an American citizen.
What will I tell the queen?
- I loved this episode,
could we watch
it from the beginning?
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
- It was business.
- Strictly business.
Here's the deal, to
get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
Right, enjoy the show.
Belvedere, anyone home?
Go away, I said you'd
get your money in June.
- No, no, no, it's Ned
Dorsey from the ad agency.
You talked to my
assistant about the
Cappuccino in a Can campaign?
- Yes, right, right,
Mr. Dorsey, one moment.
Won't you come in?
Thanks, thank you.
Whoa, I don't believe,
wow, Mr. Belvedere's,
nice to meet you,
I can't believe,
I'm a big fan of yours, and
wow, and this place, I tell ya.
It's good to meet you, huh?
- Well, now, can I
get you something?
A cool drink? A toaster oven?
The serial number's been
filed, so it can't be traced.
- Uh, thanks. Thank you.
- Won't you sit down?
- Sure, sure.
I gotta tell ya, we're
all pretty excited
at the prospect of you
doin' this campaign.
- Well, that's very
flattering of you,
but I'm not really interested.
- Really? Why not?
- Well, because I don't
really feel that anybody
cares about
Mr. Belvedere anymore.
- Oh no, no, no, no,
my whole generation
cares, believe me.
When you caught
Wesley in a lie, well,
you caught us in a lie.
When you helped Heather
with her boy problems,
by Jukey, it helped us
with our boy problems.
We're adults now, we drink
cappuccino, and if you tell
us to drink it out
of a can, we will.
We'd drink Liquid Plumber
out of a monkey skull
if you told us to.
- Yeah, well, those
are very kind words,
but it's just not something
that I'm interested in.
Anyway, thank
you for dropping by.
- Oh, okay.
I guess we'll have to
move on to Tony Danza.
- Danza?
- Yeah, yeah.
Apparently there's a
certain faction at the agency
that believes that he is
America's favorite housekeeper.
Housekeeper?
He'd prefer strutting
around in his Jordache jeans
than doing his chores properly.
- Thanks for your time,
gotta go and pick up
some Italian cookies, I
hear that Tony likes 'em.
Danza.
Could never figure
out who the boss was.
- Wait!
- Hmm?
- I guess there was a
reason that I saved this.
Oh.
So, as you can see, Warren,
we've spared no expense
to sell your product, I
mean, over here we've
got the Belvedere
kitchen set, over to my right
we've got the
bedroom set, so huh,
can you feel the heat,
can you feel the magic?
- Oh look, Ned, I agreed to
this whole Belvedere angle
because of your reputation
and because of your
enthusiasm for the
whole approach, but I,
I have my doubts.
- Hey, hey, hey, come on,
you know, let's ask somebody
at random, like this guy.
Say friend, how do you feel
about the return of Belvedere?
- Oh, it's not a return,
it's a coming home.
A homecoming, if you will.
- Huh, you see? Huh, huh?
- Belvedere, comin' through.
- At your service, Mr. Dorsey.
- How are ya, you
cardiganned Adonis, you?
You all ready to
go, know your lines?
- Oh, indeed, I do.
- Okay, everybody to one!
Places, let's roll some film.
- Rolling, Cappuccino
in a Can, take one.
- Okay, Mr. Belvedere.
You're tired, you're
thirsty, it's the middle
of the day, but you want
a cappuccino in a can.
Let's make it real, but
have fun with it, and action.
- Oh, hello there.
Perhaps you remember
me, I'm Mr. Blevedere.
Sorry, just a little
rusty, I suppose.
- Back to one.
Okay, film is cheap,
we're here for you.
Let's get it on. Action.
- Oh, hello there.
Perhaps you remember me.
I'm Mr. Stevedore,
uh, Senior Bilfedor,
uh, Balbo Biggins, uh,
Balbo Baggins, uh, Bit...
Cut!
Okay, how you feelin', big guy?
- Something is throwing me off.
Wait, in the show, the
sink was over there.
- You know, you're
absolutely right,
the sink was over
there, but I gotta tell you,
I really don't think
anybody's gonna notice.
I did.
- Rico.
- Yeah?
- How much would it
cost to move the sink?
- Well, union carpenters,
a plumber, we lose
a day of shooting,
that's about 75 grand.
- Very good, I'll see
you all in the morning.
- Wanna take a
step class with me?
- Oh, hey, honey.
- Where you been, I've been
holding dinner for an hour.
- Oh, I'm sorry, the
oven at the muffin shop
broke again, and I
had to sit and wait two
hours for the repairman.
- What, Fernando can't sit?
- Not since he backed
into the mixer, no.
Oh God, shoot, all right,
I gotta take a shower
and get right back there.
- What, you're going back?
But Amanda, we agreed,
tonight is Thursday, it's sex night!
- Well, the place does not
run itself, I'm sorry, okay?
- Fine, I'll have
sex night by myself.
Again.
- Uh, Eric, what is Mr. Belvedere
doing in our bathroom?
- You were just in
there, you tell me.
- Eric!
- Okay, look, he's very
emotionally fragile,
Ned wanted somebody
to keep an eye on him
until the shoot is over,
we have a guest room, so...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa,
he's gonna sleep here?
- Well, what do you care,
you're not gonna be here.
- No, well, that is not
the point, this is our home.
This is not some
bed and breakfast
for cheesy sitcom characters.
He's behind me, isn't he?
- Yep.
Hello.
- Amanda, this is Mr. Belvedere.
- How do you do?
- How do you do? Hi.
We're gonna talk
about this later.
- I hope I wasn't the
cause of that little skirmish.
- No, no, no, it's not
you, it's been goin'
on like this for weeks.
- Oh?
- Yeah, ever since she
started runnin' that muffin shop,
she doesn't care about
me anymore, all she cares
about is her stupid muffins.
- I can't believe
that's true, Eric.
Sure seems like it.
- In fact, my guess
is that Amanda works
so hard at the muffin
shop because she
really cares about you.
- Gee, you really think
so, Mr. Belvedere?
- I know so.
- Really?
- And I know another thing,
these brownies are delicious.
Just the thing to cheer you up.
- But I haven't
had my dinner yet.
- Consider it our little secret.
Okay, okay.
- So, Mr. Belvedere,
what should I do?
- If you love him,
just tell him, sir.
- Thanks, I will!
- Okay, think we can
get this thing shot now?
- Um, yes, absolutely,
um, smooth sailin'
from here on out, Warren.
Okay, Belvey, how you feelin'?
See that we moved the sink, huh?
- Yes, lovely, thank you.
- Okay, all right, let's set
up for the first and last take!
- Ned!
- I have been tryin' to
track you down all morning.
Our court date is tomorrow.
If you don't have this
signed and notarized,
the judge is not gonna
believe you're impotent!
- He'll believe I'm impotent,
even if I have to
prove it in open court.
- Oh, Mr. Belvedere! Hi!
Hi, I'm Stacey, Ned's wife.
- Oh, it's a pleasure.
- You know, uh, I write
for Skyward, the official
in-flight magazine
for Dollar Jet Airlines,
and I would love to do
a feature article on you,
I don't know, something like
Mr. Belvedere's Travel Tips.
- Certainly, perhaps we could
get together for a late lunch.
- Oh, I'm buying!
- Then I'm eating.
- This is fun, can you
stay, you can't, too bad, bye!
But...
Bye, I'll see you tomorrow!
- Bye.
- Okay!
- Okay, places,
everybody, settle!
Roll up!
- Rolling, Cappuccino
in a Can, take one.
- Okay, Belvey,
here's the situation.
Heather's gettin' a C
on her Spanish test,
and human remians have
been found under Wesley's bed.
But you, you feel like
a tasty treat in a can.
You do, oh, you do.
Action.
- Hello there.
I'm Mr. Belvedere.
Even America's favorite
housekeeper has to take
a break every now
and then, and when I do,
wait, could we
stop for a moment?
Cut!
Problem?
- Well, Mr. Belvedere
would never take a break
this early in the morning.
- Why?
- Well, because I have
the dinner to prepare,
and the laundry has
to be hung out to dry.
Huh?
I mean, okay, uh, so
what time of the day
would you like it to be?
- 5:30.
- 5:30 it is.
- It is? Where did the day go?
I have a pot roast to prepare!
We're screwed.
- Oh, hey, pumpkin.
- Hi, Mom.
- Where's Daddy?
- Out burying my hamster.
- Oh, Scooter died?
Oh honey, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay, he was old anyway.
- I just don't get it, I mean,
he was fine this morning,
he was runnin' on his little
wheel, I mean, he was fine.
- I know Scooter meant
a great deal to you, Eric.
- Why did this have to
happen, Mr. Belvedere?
Was God mad at Scooter?
Of course not.
But you know, all living
creatures have to die sometime.
It's nature's way.
- I guess.
Am I gonna die, Mr. Belvedere?
- Not for a very long time.
- That's it!
- Oh, hey, honey.
- What the hell
is going on here?
- Uh, well, um, Scooter
died, but I'm okay now.
Mr. Belvedere was explaining
to me what happens when we die.
- Um, Eric, you're 34 years old,
your uncle is dead,
and your father is dead,
and you've killed men in combat,
you don't need Mr. Belvedere
to explain death to you!
- That's fine, but you
don't have to embarrass
me in front of him.
I hate you!
- Wha..., Eric...
- You know, Amanda, sometimes
when we lash out at others...
Back off, Hazel.
- And so, with a cheery,
'Ta-ta, ' and a playful wink,
Mr. Belvedere hopped
aboard his motor scooter
and sped off down
the left side of the road.
Careful, Mr. Belvedere!
So what do you think?
Amanda?
- Huh? Oh God, how
long have I been out?
The muffins!
- Stacey.
- Hi, how are you?
- You know, I waited for
two hours at the courthouse,
where have you been?
- I was gonna go, but
then it occurred to me
that when two
people get a divorce,
the only real winner is hate.
- He got to you, didn't he?
- Who?
- You know who,
that's Belve-speak!
- Actually, he's very wise, Ned.
- No, he's not wise.
He's a Weeble, and
when he wobbles,
he sells toasters
on his way down!
Can you believe this?
- Hey, pally, don't complain
to me about Belvedere.
Do you know that my
husband is being fitted
for glasses right now
because that nutcase
convinced him that they're
nothing to be ashamed of.
- Well, they're not.
He doesn't need glasses!
- This is all my fault,
what have I done?
I've done this to us all.
I just wanted to bring
Belvedere back to life.
What have I wrought?
Is it so wrong to
resurrect the dead?
Is it?
Rico, are we all set
to go, how's it lookin'?
Ned, is that you?
- Gimmie those!
- I'm not ashamed, I'm not...
- Shut up!
- So, Ned, are we gonna
shoot this commercial today?
- Oh, we are gonna
shoot this commercial,
or we shoot Belvedere.
Either way, we're
shootin' Belvedere.
Okay, Belvey, uh, you ready?
- Yes, indeed.
- Okay, uh, let's
roll some film.
- Rolling, Cappuccino
in a Can, take three.
- Okay, thirsty,
drink, can, action.
- Oh, hello there.
I'm Mr. Belvedere.
Even America's favorite
housekeeper has to take
a break every now
and then, and when I do,
I reach for a rich, frosty
Cappuccino in a Can.
It tastes so delicious!
Mmm!
Wasn't there a sink there?
Cut.
What are you doing?
- Well, I'm sorry,
but I can't drink this,
it tastes like swill.
- Okay, we'll put something
in there that you can drink.
Tea, vodka, lamb
gravy, whatever.
- No, that would
be like telling a lie,
and Mr. Belvedere
does not tell lies.
Loony man, you are
not Mr. Belvedere!
You're a dangerously confused
loner camping on the fringes
of good and decent society!
And your toasters
brown unevenly.
- How dare you!
So, he is funny.
- Hey, Ned, I love...
- Oh, not now!
Okay, here's how it's gonna go,
I'm gonna kill him, I'm
gonna wear his skin,
and I'm doin' the
commercial myself.
I'm gonna silence some
lambs, Clarice, back me up.
- No, no, no, wait a,
Ned, Ned, Ned, Ned!
Ned, you know, sometimes,
when we lash out at others,
we're really just
lashing out at ourselves.
- Remind me to have
you deprogrammed.
Listen, uh, can I talk to you?
Mr. Belvedere?
Who is it?
- Uh, it's, uh, it's
Ned, can I come in?
- If you wish.
- Hey, this is a
really neat bedroom.
- Thank you.
- Listen, um, Mr. Belvedere,
I'm sorry that I got
all sore at you, and, you know,
wanted to kill you and stuff.
'Cause now I realize
that killing's wrong.
So you wanna come out
and do the commercial?
- No, it would betray
all my principles.
- I mean, you know, principles
are a good thing to have,
just like legally-binding
contracts,
which we have with you.
Oh yes.
- And I really think that
the police would frown
on your little toaster
business, don't you?
Ooh!
- So, what say we keep your
Belve-derrier out
of the pokey, huh?
- I think we have a commercial
to make, Mr. Dorsey.
We sure do!
Stacey, my Cappucino
in a Can spot's comin' on.
- Oh, ooh!
- Huh? There it is, here it is.
After a day of cleanin'
up after Angela,
Mona, and the kids,
I need a pick me up,
so I grab a refreshing
Cappuccino in a Can.
You do the same, and
tell 'em Tony sent ya.
- What happened
to Mr. Belvedere?
- Oh, well, you know,
he did fine, uh, but then
we did some market
testing and realized that
small children
are scared of him.
- Well, where's
Mr. Belvedere now?
- I dunno.
All in all, my time
spent with Ned Dorsey
and company was a
memorable experience.
He's a fine young man,
and I'm sure the television
commercial will be a big smash.
Wesley should be returning
from summer camp soon.
I have to admit, I
miss the little fellow,
rascal that he is.
Hi, Ned, it's Jodie from
the Belvedere shoot,
I thought we could get
together sometime, call me.
It's Jodie again, uh, haven't
heard from you, but I think
my machine might be broken.
Wanna see Ms.
Saigon on Saturday?
Ned, I'm at the theater,
where are you, how
can you embarrass me
in front of my
parents like this?
Hey, stranger, it's me.
I know you're home,
'cause I'm in your bedroom,
and I'm wearing a thong.
Good night, whoa!
Good night.