Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 11 - Where My Third Nepal Is Sheriff - full transcript

Why Stacey?

Why Ned?

It was business.

Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed a wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common,

we irritate each other.

Right.



Enjoy the show.

- And remember,
the deliveries are on

Tuesdays and Thursdays,
usually between like three and...

- Three and 4:30,
I know, Amanda.

I sign for them every week.

- Right, right.

And look, I'm only
going to be visiting with

an old college friend,
so feel free to just...

- That's right, so I can
call you at home, I know.

- And if you can't reach me,

my husband and Ned
are going on a trip together

out of town, so this is
Ned's cellphone number.

- Where are they gonna be?

- Nepal.



- Oh.

Put your coat on.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, and Chazz.

- Yeah.

- Okay, listen.

Chaz is only, only
allowed to bake.

Under no circumstances
should he talk to customers,

make change, or refill
the napkin dispensers.

- Or use a sponge.

Remember that time.

- Look, Amanda, I
know all about Chazz.

Please just go,
have a great week off.

Everything's gonna be fine.

- You're right, okay.

Thank you, Cynthia, thank you.

- Bye.

- Okay, bye.

- All right, I'll see ya, Stace.

- Oh, so I'm not
invisible after all.

- Ah, no.

- Amanda, I told you that
I was free this weekend.

I could run the shop for you.

- Did you?

Oh, well.

I guess I forgot.

- You did not.

I cannot believe it.

I cannot believe
that you trust that

prissy, little martinette more
than you do your own sister.

- Well, Stacey, she's good.

- She is bossy.

Don't tie up the
telephone, Stacey.

Don't leave the milk
out overnight, Stacey.

Put that 20 back in
the register, Stacey.

I am family.

She's nothing.

Okay.

- Okay, okay, ah, all right.

You can run the
shop with Cynthia.

- But I'm in charge, right.

- Yeah, sure.

Right, yeah, you're in charge.

- Good.

Ah, Cynthia?

- Yeah?

- Amanda has
something to tell you.

- Look, while I'm gone,

Stacey's gonna be in charge.

- That'll be all, thank you.

- I can't believe this.

This is great, isn't it?

- Yeah, yeah, it's great, yeah.

- You know, this time
tomorrow we're gonna be

in beautiful Nepal.

The jewel

of Nepal.

Gateway

to Nepal!

- I just wish I could
get this knot undone.

- Hey, enough with
the knot, all right?

The whole taxi ride.

- Excuse me for
wanting to breathe.

- You got your ticket?

- Before we get on the plane,

I just want to say one thing.

- What's that?

- I'm not getting on the plane.

- Huh?

Gonna be a little
difficult for you to

get to Nepal!

- Look, man, I'm serious.

I'm not goin'.

- Rico, what are
you talkin' about?

- Well, it's just that,
don't get me wrong.

I mean, I want to
go, it's just that it's,

it's dangerous
and I have a family

and I have a lousy
life insurance policy.

I mean, if I get killed,

all Amanda gets
is $300 Canadian.

- Stop whining.

You have a great
insurance policy.

Getting killed is the best thing

you could ever
do for your family.

Come on.

What's going on with
you, my boy in the hood?

- I am scared, okay?

I mean, come on, you
read the guidebook.

There's snow and bandits

and there's dengue fever

and there's leeches
that bore into your skin

and Japanese bee, encephalitis,

and if I were a woman, I mean,

if I were a woman I
would be susceptible to

all sorts of vaginal
infections like

the tricha, tre, da...

- Trichomoniasis.

- Yeah, trichodromania,
and then there's garden, the...

- Gardnerella.

- Yeah.

I mean, Ned, what
if I get dysentery?

What if I get lost in the
wilderness on Nepal and I die?

And I never see my
wife and my child again?

I can't go, Ned.

I'm sorry.

- Come on, seriously.

How come you don't want to go?

- Oh god, Amanda,
it's so good to see you.

- I know, you too.

- So how have you been?

You've been married, what?

- Nine years.

No.

- Yeah.

- You have been
married for nine years?

Oh my god.

I haven't even met
a guy I could tolerate

for more than a month.

- Oh well, I got lucky I guess.

Eric's really special.

I just wish you
could've met him.

- I know, so he really
went to Nepal, huh?

That's impressive.

- Yeah, it is.

It's very cool.

Eric, what happened?

- What happened?

I am a worthless,
scared, little girly-boy.

A pathetic,
prancing sissy thing.

A grotesque, mensing,
frightened, puny,

spewing muling baby.

That's what happened.

Oh hi, you must be Wendy.

- Welcome to Amanda's Amuffins.

Welcome to Amanda's Amuffins.

Oh, oh, Cyn?

- Yeah, Sta?

- You know, I really
think it would be good

if you said, hurry back
to Amanda's Amuffins,

as the customers are leaving.

I really think it'll make
the customers feel more...

- No.

- Excuse me?

- No.

I am not about to repeat
some stupid line all day.

You know, I have real
work to do running this place.

- May I remind you that
I am running this place,

since you so
colloquially refer to it.

- Ah, no.

You are pretending
to run this place.

Sort of like a five-year-old
havin' a little tea party.

- How dare you
talk to me like that.

I am the owner-in-law
of this establishment.

- Oh, really?

You know, one would
think that the owner-in-law,

as you so colloquially
refer to yourself,

would know that that
machine was designed

to make cappuccino.

Not fruit smoothies!

- Well, we know
that now, don't we?

- Look, why don't you
just go and serve your tea

to your little dollies, and
let me run the place, okay?

Okay.

- You know, Cynthia,
with your attitude

I am very, very
close to letting you go.

- Oh, you are, are you?

Well, guess what?

I'm even closer.

I quit.

Bye-bye.

- Good!

Who needs you,
you vicious Figaro!

- So do you want
to start at the Met?

- Yeah, maybe we
should start there.

- Hey, ladies.

Top of the mornin' to ya.

- Well, you must've
gotten up early.

Are you feeling better today?

- Ah, well, I wanted
to seize the day,

enjoy my vacation.

- All right, well
good, I'm glad.

Oh, I'll get that.

- So Wendy, want some eggs?

You can have 'em
any way you like

as long as you
like 'em scrambled.

- No thanks.

Amanda and I are
gonna go out for a bite

and then maybe go
to some museums.

- Okay, that just
leaves more for me.

Luckily I like 'em scrambled.

- So, Amanda tells me
you're an accountant?

- Yeah, that's what I do.

- Yeah, is that something that
you always wanted to do or?

- Well, now that
you mention it, no.

When I was a kid I
wanted to be a fireman.

But did I become a fireman?

No, I guess I didn't.

Became an accountant.

An anonymous
mid-level pencil pusher

who sits behind a desk
I can easily hide under

at the first sign of trouble.

Yeah, that's me.

Scared of trouble.

Scare of fire.

Scared of Nepal.

Even scared of you.

Here, lunge at me with this.

Watch me run.

- Oh no, I...

- No, lunge at me.

You can't hurt me,
it's just a spoon.

But I'm scared anyway.

A spoon scares me.

Come on, come on, lunge at me.

- No!

Lunge at me!

- God, Eric!

Stop it, Eric!

Eric!

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Just okay, see ya guys.

Go have some fun.

- Are you okay?

Okay, I'm fine,
good, fine, woo-hoo.

- Okay, well this just
came for you from Ned.

- Okay, thanks a
lot, see you later.

- So we'll see you tonight then.

- Okay, tonight.

Tonight, that's good.

See ya later.

- Bye.

- Honestly, he's
really never like this.

- Hey, Rico.

Hey, man, I'm sorry
that you chickened out.

Ha ha, 'cause
you're missin' it, man.

Nepal is beautiful.

And it's party
town, party central.

Huh?

I'm cookin' myself
up a little dinner here

high up in the mountains.

This is what's known as gundruk.

Yeah, little side dish of gur.

Looks like human
hair but it's not.

It's gur.

So Rico, this is my friend Pepe.

I know that's a Hispanic name,

but well, in Nepalese it
means friend for the lonely.

Yeah, so listen man.

Sorry you're not here.

Enjoy your couch, wimpy.

♪ Rico's a chicken
and I don't care

♪ Rico's a chicken
and I don't care

♪ Rico's a chicken
and I don't care

Wimpy.

Wimpy.

Wimpy.

- I'm so exhausted.

- Yeah, I'm so tired.

Wimpy.

- Eric?

- Oh, hi honey.

Wimpy.

- What the hell is going on?

- Ned sent me a little
travelog of the trip

I was too scared to go on.

- And you've been
watching that for 13 hours?

- Oh, it's good.

- Yeah, yeah, I know.

He's really not like this.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Wimpy.

- First of all, stop replaying
that over and over again.

- I'm not replaying it.

Ned cut it together this way.

Wimpy.

Wimpy.

- No, hey honey, I
was watching that.

- Okay, Eric, look.

You know I'm not
one of those wives

who cares what other
people think, right?

I don't go around
trying to impress people

by putting on airs, right?

But I've got this close
friend visiting this weekend,

and well, she thinks
you're psychotic.

- Why would she think that?

- Well, for starters,

you're sitting on a plate
of macaroni and cheese.

- That's hardly psychotic.

- Okay, Eric, look.

I'm gonna tell you
this for your own good.

Scrape the noodles off your ass,

get dressed, get
out of the house,

and act normal.

- Okay, that'll be uh, um.

- Chazz, the muffins are done!

- I'm with a customer!

I'll get it.

- Okay, now where was I?

Oh yeah, um, um.

- Where are the oven mitts?

- In the oven, of course.

- Ah!

Ah!

- Can I pay while
I'm still young?

- Okay, okay, that's
a blueberry muffin

and a cup of coffee.

That's uh,

$403.

- That's highway robbery.

I'll organize a boycott.

Attica! Attica!

- Wait, come one, come one.

Hang on, hang on.

Chazz, that cannot be right.

Look, I'll, I will
ring it up, okay?

That is $718, please.

- Should've kept my mouth shut.

- Oh, um, Stacey, Stacey?

- Yeah?

- This lady says
her coffee is cold.

- Is the machine plugged in?

- No, of course not.

- Chazz, plug it in!

- There are too many prongs.

- Chazz, use your common sense.

Bend one back.

- Oh.

Okay, I got it.

- Excuse me, but the sink
in the restroom is leaking.

- I got it, I got it, I got it.

I'm on a roll.

- Oh, Chazz, Chazz, be careful.

- Can I please get some service?

- Yes, I am so, so, so sorry.

Look, the next batch
of muffins will be ready

in about two hours.

In the meantime,

enjoy some Sweet n' Low.

I think I figured
it out, Stacey!

Now there's maybe
something else wrong!

Oh no!

Now I'm blind!

I'm blind!

- Hi, hi, how you doin'?

Just came in to rent a video.

Just out interacting
with the world.

No macaroni and cheese
on my ass, no siree.

Wimpy.

Wimpy.

- Shut up, Ned!

Already seen Shut Up, Ned.

I'll just...

Oh.

That's disgusting.

That's really disgusting.

Three's a charm.

- Oh hey, honey.

- Oh, oh, hi, hey.

Wendy, hi.

- Hi.

- Oh, see, just a normal guy,

out rentin' a few videos, huh?

- That's me.

- So what'd you get?

Lactating Biker Sluts.

- Well, I think that we
should be proud, Chazz.

We got everything
under control without

ever having to call Amanda.

- Yeah, it's fun to
solve problems together.

- Refill over here, please.

- Pipin' hot and comin' up.

- Thank you, my good man.

- Yes, sir.

- Well, it looks like the
water level has stabilized.

- Yup.

I fixed the leak myself.

- And the plumber's coming
with a pump a week from Monday.

First thing.

- Good.

'Cause I think I'm coming down

with a nasty case
of trench foot.

- Oh, Eric.

Hi.

- Hi, Stacey.

- Look, look, I know
that this may look bad,

but I promise you...

- No, no, no, no, no the
roots are hardly showing.

- Wait a minute.

Aren't you in Nepal?

- I decided to stay home
and rent porno videos

and embarrass my wife.

You see, I'm a perverted
little scaredy man.

- And how is Amanda?

- Ah, she's fine, she's fine.

- She's not planning
on coming down here

and checking in
on things, is she?

- Nah, she's totally
confident with you in charge.

- As she should be.

- Yeah.

- Oh my.

- Oh, no, no, no.

Don't leave, we're open.

Chazz, get the craft.

- Copy that.

- I will not get on that thing.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
it is perfectly safe.

- Ah, I don't want it!

Oh, let me by!

- Well excuse us for
tryin' to run a business!

I hate her.

- Hey, what happened
to that brother-in-law guy?

- Eric? Eric?

Eric? Eric?

Eric?

Oh my god!

Eric, are you okay?

- I almost drowned.

I almost drowned on
the floor of a muffin shop.

- Don't tell Amanda, okay?

- No, no, it's good.

It's a good thing.

It's so clear to me now.

I mean, it's, it's clear.

I understand now.

I see what I must do.

I see the road I will take.

I know where I must go.

- What a doofus.

- Things and he plays soccer

and he reads The New Yorker.

I swear he does
lots of normal things.

- Amanda, Amanda, please
don't worry about it, okay?

I'm sure that he's a great guy.

I just caught him on a bad week.

- Yeah.

- Oh hey, honey.

I didn't even hear
you comin' in.

- Oh god, Eric.

Why are you doing this
to me in front of my friend?

I beg of you, please.

Stop acting like such a freak.

- No, no, no, honey,
honey, it's okay.

I'm going to Nepal.

- What?

- I had a life-changing
experience.

I almost drowned on the
floor of the muffin shop

and I realized that I
could be taken at any time,

in any place, and
so I should just follow

my heart and live,
I should just live.

- Oh god, I love it
when you're like this.

- And so I'm gonna go to Nepal!

- Okay.

All right, go to Nepal.

Just follow your heart.

- I'm gonna, honey.

- I'm gonna miss you.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

- I'll see ya.

- Okay.

Okay.

Well.

I am so glad you
finally got to see the Eric

that I married.

- Oh, honey?

I'll be gone for about
two weeks so could

you return those pornos?

Thanks.

- By the way, what
did he mean about

almost drowning on the
floor of the muffin shop?

- Oh, that's just his way of

explaining the kind of, um.

Stacey!

- Hey Ned, it's me.

- Hey, buddy.

How you doin'?

Where you callin' me from?

The hen house?

- No, no, no, listen Ned,

I had an epiphany
and I'm flyin' out there

to join up with ya, buddy.

I am calling from the plane.

- What?

What are you talking about?

I thought you were scared.

- Well, I still am a little bit,

but what the hell,
you gotta live, right?

Besides, just knowing
that I'll be there

with my best friend in the world

in that strange
and wonderful land

gives me all the
courage that I need.

- But Rico, remember,

there's all those diseases here.

The Japanese encephalitis

and vaginal infections.

You know you're
susceptible to those.

- Stop makin' fun of me, man.

I'm comin'!

- No, I'm not makin' fun.

You know, those
are scary things that

any sane person
would be afraid of.

Except me, of course
'cause I'm crazy.

Woo-hoo, woo, oww!

- I'm crazy too, buddy.

Crazy to live!

Okay, I'll see you in
about 35 hours, okay?

I'm so excited.

- What?

- Hey, I've been tellin'
you for a week, pal.

Get the donkey out of the room!

- There's hookers in every
other room in this motel

and the guy next
door has a sheep!

- Ned?

Ned?

Ned?

Ned?

Ned?

♪ Eric was a chicken
and I don't care

♪ Rico's a chicken
and I don't care

♪ Rico's a chicken
and I don't care

♪ Because I'm over here in Nepal

♪ He's eating corn in America

♪ But I'm in Nepal

Cut!

- Goodnight.

Woah!

Goodnight.