Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 12 - Sex, Lies, and Commercials - full transcript

- Okay Amanda get ready.

I happen to have
a little item here

that's going to put Amanda's
Amuffins on the amap.

- Oh what is it, tell me please!

- Amanda, I present to you
the celebrity lookalike muffin.

Say hello to Alex Trebek.

Is it not like being a
contestant on Jeopardy?

Oh, sorry.

- I'll take Ned's
an idiot for 100.

- Come on, I worked
really hard on this.

- Forget it, Ned.



- Okay, fine.

Alex.

- Yeah Ned.

- Thanks for posing,
but it's a no-go.

- Oh, sorry.

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

- It was business.
- Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion
I needed a wife.

See to get a life I
needed his apartment.

So what the hell?

We up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common,

we irritate each other.



Right, enjoy the show.

- Miss?

- Yeah everything okay?

You enjoying your muffin?

Come in!

- Lady this muffin
is hard as a rock.

- Look I'm sorry,
it's just we have

some new employees in the back.

I'd offer you some free coffee,

but that's hard
as a rock as well.

All right look, here's a dollar

just don't tell your friends.

Eric!

- Yeah?

- What are those three
morons doing back there?

- Honey it's...

- Don't they know
how to work an oven?

- It's gonna be okay honey,

Ned just finished
reading them the manual.

- Oh god.
- No no it's a good thing.

Now they all want
to learn how to read!

- Don't eat out of the garbage!

Okay, the three of 'em have
the collective intelligence

of a dog with no head.

- Hey, guys guess what?

New York Magazine
bought my pitch!

- Oh that's great, the thing
about the school lunch scandal?

- Yeah!

Well, actually they
modified it a bit.

Now it's about phone sex.

- Well, whatever helps the kids.

- Well I didn't
want to do it at first,

but then I realized it could be

a really interesting article.

Now see what
they want is a profile

of the type of men who call.

So in order to
compile my research

I'm going to have
to set up my own line

and actually do phone sex.

- Oh mom will be so proud.

- So, does this New York
Magazine writer get a muffin?

- Oh yeah sure, take this one.

- Oh wow, looks
just like Alex Trebek.

- Haha!

- Okay look, I
could use a break.

Can you guys handle
the counter by yourselves?

No.

Oh!

Yeah yeah, it works.

- Look do you do
sugar free muffins?

- Sugar free, gee, I don't know.

- Well whatever, I want
to order a gift basket.

Do you do those?

- Gift basket, gee yeah
you know I don't know.

- Okay then,
let's start with this.

Is your brain stem connected?

- Uh I believe it is.

- Okay well let's just see.

This is me, Diana
Huntley, creative director

Klein Abernathy
Advertising and this is where

I want the muffins delivered.

My office, 432 Madison Avenue.

That's the big scary street.

- Okay.

In case you haven't
noticed, I am a human being

and I deserve a little respect.

- I'll give you some
service if you like.

What can I do for you me
plucky faced little sweet biscuit?

- Service would be a
nice change of pace.

I would like a muffin
basket delivered to my office.

- Well, if you don't
think me too brazen

or full of me own paddywhack,

what kind of muffin
would you be liking?

- Look, why don't you
just make up an assortment

and have it brought to my
office tomorrow morning.

- I'll do it, and I'll
do it personally.

- Ooh, full service
muffin boy, I like that.

I'll see you tomorrow.

What was your name?

- Mac.

Mac Scotty McDermac.

Of the MacDonald Douglas clan.

- See you tomorrow Mac.
- Aye.

- Ned.
- Yeah Rico.

- Why are you speaking
Scottish to that lady?

She was mean to me.

- Hey, that woman
is Diana Huntley,

creative director
at Klein Abernathy.

They're our chief competitor
for the Sunblast Soda account.

- Oh, oh so?

- Tomorrow when I go
and deliver the muffins,

I can find out what
they're going to use

to pitch the account
for Sunblast Soda.

- So Steve, what
are you wearing?

Ooh, and I bet
they're tight too.

Me?

I'm wearing, Steve,
Steve, where's Steve?

Oh okay.

I'm wearing a
lobster bib and clogs.

- Oh for god's sake!

- Oh so Steve, what would
you like me to do to you?

Ew!

I mean I mean ooh, ooh.

Hello?

Oh god, I am never
gonna get this article done.

Why aren't I good at having sex

with strange men on the phone?

- I don't know, I thought that

would have been your best shot.

- Come on Eric, help me.

What can I say to keep
these guys on the phone?

- Oh gee Stacey you
know I don't know.

- Oh come on!

Just tell me anything
that they might like.

- Well you know I
guess you could just

moan and pant
and stuff like that.

- I do, I moan, I pant.

- Well then mix it up a little.

Try some long moans and then
a lot of short, staccato moans

and then you could talk
in a stern yet sultry voice

like a buxom
accounting supervisor

who's unhappy with the
work of her underlings.

She goes down to his cubicle.

What a bad little
accountant you've been.

You've been very very very bad.

Oh what a spanking
you're gonna get.

You run those numbers again,
you run them on your knees!

Is that helpful at all or?

Miss Huntley?

There's some sort of
person here to see you.

I don't know what he wants.

He's hard to understand.

What is so hard to understand

you ill tempered Nancy boy!

I'm delivering the muffins.

- Send him in.

Hello Mac.

Ooh a kilt in
December, gutsy choice.

- Oh, don't I know it?

Me bagpipes are
damn near frozen.

- Well why don't you just
set down your muffin basket

and relax for a few minutes?

- Aye, don't mind if I do.

Oh would you look
up here, we're so high.

Boy the cars look
like little sheep

down there from me own village.

Except of course you don't have

any of the lads chasing about.

- So Mac, where exactly
in Scotland are you from?

- Oh just a tiny piece of heaven

known as Glenncampbellshire.

It weighs ever
gentle on my mind.

- Homesick huh?

Well I guess you just need to
make some new friends here.

- Oh, sounds intriguing.

So tell me new
friend, what's this

comic book looking thing
you've got over here?

- Well actually
that's a storyboard.

It's an idea for a
commercial I'm going to pitch

next week to the
Sunblast Soda company.

- Sunblast Soda you say?

I drank that on the
boat on the way over.

It held off the demon
scurvy from me bones.

So, tell me about the
storyboard so I'll know

the commercial when I
see it when it interrupts

me favorite episode of MacGyver.

- All right, see this
woman is snowmobiling

down Mount Hibbard enjoying

a refreshing can
of Sunblast soda.

Suddenly she hits a
snowbank, flips over,

and is dragged behind
it for miles and miles.

- Oh lord.

I feel for her well being.

- Oh no, you see she's fine

because when the
snowmobile stops,

she's smiling
'cause she is still

hanging on to that refreshing
can of Sunblast soda.

- Oh, ah!

You're the clever little
sausage, aren't ya?

And not more than
a little attractive

to old Mac scottie here.

You make me kilt
fly up in lewd ways.

Well, I'll tell ya
we're not a people

known for our long goodbyes,

so see ya.

And as the snowmobile
drags her along,

careening from rock to tree

down the slopes
of Mount Hibbard,

finally it stops, yet she
stands toothless and dazed

holding aloft her treasure,
the frosty can of Sunblast soda.

- Oh my god!

- You like it?

- Is this some
kind of sick joke?

His wife was dragged to death

by a snowmobile
on Mount Hibbard!

- Well can't he separate
work from his personal life?

Okay, all right.

We'll rework the commercial.

We'll drag a celebrity
to death, they like that!

I know Alex Trebek!

- Mr. Dorsey, these
were just delivered here.

Although the card
reads Mac Scotty Mac...

- Give me that.

Here Ned, I'll save some
soda for you, love Diana.

- Can I help you?

- Yes would you tell Mr. Dorsey

that Diana Huntley
wants to speak to him?

- Regarding?

- His ass and how I kicked it.

- Well, I'm very sorry
but he's in a meeting

with his creative team and
asked not to be disturbed.

- Hey Macdermac it's
Huntley, I want to talk to you.

Lucy, offer Miss
Huntley a beverage

and then if she touches
the intercom again

break her fingers with a ball
peen hammer like I showed you.

- Well, isn't he the droll one?

- Well that's perfect
stuff, it's perfect.

Let's get right on...

Diana.

- Hello Ned.

So this is the legendary
Dorsey creative team huh?

Well aren't you going
to introduce me?

- Diana Huntley, Beth Charlton,

Chaz Gordon, and Ahmed Johnson.

- How are you?
- Heard a lot about you.

- Now go write up those ideas

while they're still fresh
in your brains, go ahead.

Run from me now children, go.

Go now.

Diana right this way.

I'd offer you a Sunblast soda,

but don't you know
don't have any.

- Oh your office is cute!

It's small, it's kind
of like a play office.

Ikea?

- What the hell do you want?

- Oh Ned, I've missed
your manly brogue.

Why haven't you returned
any of my phone calls?

- Why should I
return your calls?

You got the Sunblast account
and you also put me through

the most humiliating
experience of my life.

And I was a solid gold dancer.

- Oh stop the
martyr act, Dorsey.

You started this
whole ridiculous thing

with that Scottish
muffin boy routine.

What do you
think I am, an idiot?

- Look you knew I wasn't
a Scottish muffin boy,

and yet to lure me into
your tender little trap

you pretended you
were attracted to me.

- Well, what if I told
you I wasn't pretending?

- Oh, pretend pretending eh?

- Yes I was.

- And are you pretending now?

- Yes I am.

- Well what about now?
- Yes.

- How about now?
- Yes.

- What about now?
- No.

- How about now?
- Yes.

- Damn!

- Look, why don't we just

put this whole mess
behind us okay?

I mean we each tried
to screw each other over.

One of us succeeded,
and now we're even.

- Fine.

- Truce?

- Truce.

- So, since you're
not gonna be busy

with the Sunblast Soda
account, maybe we could

get together sometime?

- Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Yes.

- I was thinking we'd
get a cup of coffee.

- So was I!

I just always wanted to do that.

- Oh yeah!

Anything you want, baby.

Oh yes!

And I think you'll
like them too.

I'm a bodacious 44 double D.

- Not by a long shot.

- Will you stop doing that?

- Well he's paying good money.

In my day you could talk dirty

to a genuine busty
girl for a nickel.

Of course, you had to use
the telegraph in those days.

- That is such a lie.

- Oh, what a great
day to be alive today.

Hey Nate, come on.

Give us a big, old
sloppy French kiss.

- No!

- Okay but remember,
you're still my prom date.

So how's business today partner?

Ooh, oh, looking a little dry.

Who are we kidding,
they'll never find a cure.

- Well I guess in Ned world
that passes for a good mood.

What's going on?

♪ I got me a girlfriend

♪ I got me a girlfriend

♪ She's exactly like me

♪ That's why she's my girlfriend

- That's very nice,
will you promise me

that the two of you
won't reproduce?

- So Ned who's this
lady you speak of?

- Well it's actually somebody
that you know, Rico.

Diana Huntley.

- Really Diana Huntley,
she's your girlfriend?

- Mhmm.

- But she humiliated you,
made you look like a fool,

like a silly clown,
diminished even in my eyes

and I'm one of the few people...

- She apologized!

I like her now.

In fact she's coming to visit me

in just a couple of
minutes right here.

Muffin wench, send me over
a couple of your finest muffins.

And an anvil, just kidding!

- Yello.

Oh no Stacey's not
here right now she...

About me?

I'm in a polo shirt, some
khakis and an apron.

- Give me that.

Hi, I'm naked.

You're so hot, oh baby oh baby

I saw God now roll
over and go to sleep.

- Hey hey good looking.

- Hey red.

Oh, Nate.

This is my girlfriend.

I call her red, 'cause
she's a communist.

- Me too.

See you at the meeting comrade.

- Who is that?

- Oh just an old
timer that I torment

just for the hell of it.

- Really?

God you're sexy!

- So you ready for our big day?

I got us tickets to a
matinee of Cats, front row.

We meow obscenities.

- Ned there's something
I have to tell you.

- What is it?

I have a brain tumor don't I?

Damn it I knew it!

It feels like a
thimble in there.

- No, no no no Ned.

It's just something I want to
get out in the open you know?

In the spirit of us having a
mature, honest relationship.

- Okay.

Okay.

- I hired away
your creative team.

Ha, oh do I feel better!

- You hired my,
my creative team?

Beth and Chaz and Ahmed?

- Yep long term contracts,
they start with me tomorrow.

- Diana why would you do that?

- Oh come on Ned, everyone knows

you have the best
creative team in the city.

You paraded them
right in front of me.

What do you expect?

You would have done
exactly the same thing.

- No, I wouldn't have done
exactly the same thing.

Diana, I have feelings for you!

I can't believe
that you did this!

I can't believe you conned me!

Well let me tell you something,
nobody cons Ned Dorsey

and then tells him that
she conned him again

right after they red
baited an 80 year old man!

No one!

Oh my god!

- Good morning gang,
just want to say welcome.

Great to have you on
the Klein Abernathy team

blah blah blah and
let's get to work.

Now I assume you've
looked over the creative briefs

on the Smokehouse
Joe Sausage account,

so what have you got?

Pitch away.

Hey come on now, I know
I move quicker than Dorsey

but let's go, let's
hear some ideas.

- Um how about we
say they're really good?

- And?

- And you should get some!

- Ha ha ha very funny, listen.

I am down to my
last piece of Nicorette,

so let's get serious please.

- Oh okay, how about if we use

a slogan like where's the beef?

- Ooh ooh.

- I believe that's been done.

- Yeah I know, I
really like that one.

- What the hell
is going on here?

I am not paying you people
75 grand to screw around!

- Sorry.

- No wonder this
job pays so much.

It's really hard.

- Yeah, this is even
harder than working

in Mr. Dorsey's muffin store.

- His muffin store?

I thought you were
his creative team.

- No, that was
just that one day.

He said that if you saw
us you'd like us and hire us.

Now come on, we can do this!

- Hey I got it.

Smokehouse Joe's
breakfast links,

they're smoky and linky.

- And you should get some!

- Hello, oh oh Steve I'm sorry.

They should have taken
my line off of the service,

I'm not doing telephone
erotica anymore.

Well, to be honest I was
only researching an article.

Really?

Oh that's so sweet!

You were my favorite too.

Oh, oh no no no no.

No Steve no I don't,
okay okay okay okay.

Just this is the last time okay?

So Mom, if Rascal
doesn't sound like that

you should get him
right to a vet okay?

Love you bye.

- Kinda makes me want
to rethink the divorce.

- Hello Ned.

I would have been here
sooner but I was busy meeting

with our legal
department trying to figure

a way out of our
multi-year contract

with three muffin bakers!

- Hey, they are not
just muffin bakers.

They're incredibly
stupid muffin bakers.

- Oh, oh and that little drama

you played in the muffin store.

I care about you,
how could you do that?

I will never believe
anything you say again.

- Like everything you
say isn't a big fat lie!

- Oh you make me want to puke!

- You make me want
to be the puke of earl!

- Oh I never want
to see you again!

- I never want to see you first!

- Well goodbye!
- Get out!

- No you goodbye!
- Goodbye!

- Goodbye yourself!
- Goodbye your...

- God, what a sick relationship.

Hello?

Oh hi Steve.

- Thanks for posing,
but it's a no-go.

- Oh sorry.

- Hey, my wallet's gone!

- Hey somebody took
my Wonder Woman purse.

- And somebody
emptied the cash register.

Trebek!

- And last week I was
carjacked by Wink Martindale.

- Officer, we've been robbed
and the man looks like this

and he also likes
to say Mesopotamia.

- Goodnight.
- Whoa!

Goodnight.