Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 13 - Scenes from a Muffin Shop - full transcript
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
- It was business.
- Strictly business.
Here's the deal, to
get the promotion
I needed the wife.
See to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So what the hell?
We up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
- Right, enjoy the show.
Hey thanks for coming,
you're special, you are!
Have a nice day!
Okay, coming through
with the coffee pot.
How are you today?
Hello there sir.
I see a little cutie pie
needs another cup of joe.
- Wow Ned, going out with
Diana really has given you
sort of a human quality.
- Well you're a spicy little
sausage, come here you.
Nate, what say you and I head
on down to the nude beach?
Bet it's been a
while since you had
your raisins in the sun.
- You're working my
last nerve, pretty boy.
- Ned, thank you
so much for parking
your Cadillac in the
loading zone again.
This time we only had to
carry this stuff six blocks.
- Yeah but at least this
time it wasn't hailing.
- Here, go, do.
- Rico, got
something in the office
I need to show you, come on.
- So what's up Ned?
Yo!
- Uh-huh.
I found him in the dumpster
out behind the Museum
of Natural History.
I'm gonna give him to Diana
for our one month anniversary.
- You've been going out
with Diana for one month?
Congratulations, that
beats your old record by,
well one month.
- You know I think maybe things
are getting a little serious.
- Wait wait a second
then, are you saying
that maybe Diana's the one?
- Oh I don't know,
nobody knows that for sure.
You think giving her
a Homeopithicus man
is a little schmaltzy?
- Don't think you have anything
to worry about there, buddy.
- Hi, I'm looking
for Ned Dorsey.
- Oh, hey Diana,
he's in the back.
- Thanks...
- Amanda.
Amanda Moyer.
Ned's partner.
- Have we met?
- Yes, yes seven times.
And every time you
say have we met?
And I say yes I'm Ned's
partner and then you smirk
and you make a
snotty little remark
about the fact that I run
a muffin shop for a living.
- Oh yes hi!
- Hi.
Bye!
- Hey Diana.
- Hi Stace, oh listen.
I am so sorry about hogging
the bathroom this morning.
I was in such a rush.
- Oh don't be silly!
- And listen you
know thanks again
for letting me have an
affair with your husband.
You have been
so good about that!
- Don't be silly!
- You are so sweet!
- You are!
- Oh come here!
- Oh would you look at that?
My mistress and my wife are
rubbing up against each other.
God bless American man.
- Hey Ned.
- What brings you by?
Little afternoon
delight perhaps?
You know I can have this
place cleared out in two minutes.
Quicker if I pull
down Nate's trousers.
- Better men than
you have tried.
- Honey I can't
stay, I just came by
to tell you that
I have to cancel
our dinner plans for tonight.
This stupid business
thing came up.
- Oh look, there's really no
such thing as a stupid business
except maybe that
day old sushi place.
- I knew you'd
understand, I gotta run bye.
Bye Stace!
- Bye!
- Bye...
A little help?
- Phyllis.
- Phyllis right!
And good luck
with your little shop.
- Honey I can't
believe we actually
got an evening
out alone together.
- I know isn't it great?
- Yeah god two
whole hours we don't
have to talk about children
or school or muffins or money.
- Oh you bet.
Oh.
For god sakes, can we get
some menus around here?
- Oh, hey look there's Diana.
- Oh let's go say hi.
- No no no no no no.
- Why not?
- I hate her.
- Honey she is your
sister's husband's girlfriend.
It would be rude not
to say hello, come on.
- No Eric.
- What is the problem?
- Look!
- Relax, she said she had
a business thing tonight.
- Yeah, nice work
if you can get it.
♪ This is the dawning
of the age of Diana
♪ Age of Diana
♪ Diana
Oh Diana nasty oh yeah!
Okay thank you.
I'm gonna slow it
down just a little bit.
I'd like to sing
one for ya that's,
well quite frankly it's
one of my favorites.
I hope to make it
one of yours too.
♪ Diana falling on my head
♪ That doesn't mean my
eyes will soon be turning red
- Eric I'm telling you
don't get involved.
- But she's cheating on him!
- So?
He's probably
cheating on her too.
That's what the Gentiles do.
- Please Eric, don't tell him.
Since he's been dating
Diana he's so much nicer.
Yesterday he actually
washed my sheets
before he short sheeted my bed.
- I just hate to see
him made a fool of,
I mean oh god
look at him up there.
♪ Hava Diana hava Diana
♪ Hava Diana
hava Diana she's hot
Hoo Diana, ah.
Okay, I'm gonna
take a quick break.
Be sure and tip your
bartenders and waitresses.
Next for your
lapdancing pleasure,
straight out of
Bangkok Stacey Dorsey!
I'm up!
- Not so fast, Lulu.
I was next.
- He said it was my turn!
- Oh I smell a duet.
- Hi, I'm Nate.
♪ Oh they say we're
young and we don't know
♪ Won't find out until we grow
♪ Well I don't know
I guess that's true
♪ 'Cause you've got
me and baby I've got you
♪ Babe
♪ I got you babe
- Oh man and people say
there's nothing to do
in New York at night.
- Yeah, Ned we have
something that we need to,
I have something that I really
need to tell you about Diana.
- Diana.
- Yeah.
- Say it soft, it's
almost like praying.
- Yeah, it is, okay.
We saw her at dinner tonight...
- Oh doesn't she
eat beautifully?
I love her.
I'm wearing her underwear.
So what were you saying Rico?
- I am the walrus cu-cu-cachoo?
♪ I got
♪ You babe
- Hello Eric.
- You.
How did you get in here?
- Through that big opening.
- Oh right.
- I suspect we both
know why I'm here.
- Actually no, no I don't.
- Don't play stupid, I saw you
at the restaurant last
night with that woman.
- That was my wife.
- Oh, Phyllis, right.
Look that man you saw me with...
- Oh yeah now I
suppose you're gonna say
there's some simple explanation.
- There is, I'm
sleeping with him.
- Oh please,
that is just so, oh.
- And you need to keep
your mouth shut about it.
- Oh maybe I will
and maybe I won't.
- Oh really?
You know Eric this is such
a well organized cubicle.
Be a shame if some of
these important memos
happened to fall off the wall.
- Hey, those were chronological!
- I suspect these are too.
- Hey that's, okay that does it.
Now I'm definitely telling him.
- Oh really?
Well I'll just tell him
that you're making up lies
because you have
yearnings for him yourself.
- Is that an eagle?
- Where?
- Would you look
at these split ends?
I know somebody
who hasn't conditioned
since one million years BC.
- Hey hey!
Please, just promise me you're
going to give him his bikini
wax on my day off all right?
- Ah, enough of this
sissy hairdressing stuff.
Time for me to bake.
- Good.
See you later.
How does he get those blonde
highlights so natural looking?
- Ned, Ned, I ran all
the way from the office.
I do not have yearnings for you.
- Oh yeah?
Then why'd you run?
- Her!
She's cheating on you.
- Okay fine, you told him
now go run back to the office.
You may want to
put out your cubicle.
- No, no!
- What's he talking about?
- Oh he's such a prude.
He saw me at Dugan's
last night with Stan.
- Stan?
- Yeah you know
this guy I've been
having a thing with
for the past few months.
I've told you about him right?
- Uh no.
- Oh, that's right I
told him about you.
- Diana, I thought you said
you had a business
dinner last night.
- Well yeah, I mean
Stan and I work together.
- Oh please.
- Wait a minute, are you upset?
- You're damn right I'm upset.
While you're off cavorting
with another man last night,
I was up there crooning
Achy Breaky Diana.
- Oh boy.
You know when I met
you Ned I thought wow,
finally a man who's not so weak
and simpy he needs to
cling to me for dear life.
Finally a man who'll make
hot monkey love to me
all night long and
in the morning go off
and live his life
while I live mine.
Was I wrong about you Ned?
- She didn't leave me a
lot of room to maneuver.
No of course not!
Ah no simpy weakling here.
- I mean I've just been assuming
there are other
women in your life.
- Oh, other women.
Oh just villages of women.
Oh I gotta date tonight.
In fact I'm glad
you reminded me.
Made a little note of it right
here in the old checkbook.
- Well good, I've
got a date too.
Maybe I'll see you at Dugan's.
- Maybe you will,
maybe you won't.
- Bye, love you.
- Right back at you
with the love thing huh?
Made a note of it
in your checkbook?
Oh that's clever.
Shut up!
Oh nothing like double
dating on a Friday night huh?
- Yeah nothing like it.
- So, what do
you do for a living?
- Oh I'm a dental hygienist.
- I'm a dance teacher.
- And I'm a graduate
student in psychology.
- I know what you're thinking,
I must be a thief 'cause I stole
three little angels
straight out of heaven huh?
- So Amanda, did you
know Ned was a triplet too?
- Okay.
- So Ned, when are Fred
and Jed getting here?
- You know I found
out before dinner,
Fred and Jed are dead.
- I can't believe how
gullible the two of you are!
He's not a triplet.
- If you know that
then why are you here?
- I'm doing my
doctoral thesis on men
whose arrested
emotional development
leads them to seek
sexual relationships
with two or more identical
siblings simultaneously.
- Well I think we
know which third
of the zygote got
the brains, huh?
Oh man, whew that
was a good one there.
Diana hello!
- Hello Ned.
- Well I guess I forgot that
you were coming here tonight.
Of course you know the Moyers.
- Hi Eric, hello Phyllis.
- And this is Kim, Rachel,
and Laura my date.
- Nice to meet all of you.
- So who's the one
guy you're with?
- This is Stan.
- Stan, Ned Dorsey, good to
see you, good to know you huh?
Well he's hunky and chiseled.
Good choice, a little
obvious but what the heck?
- So we still getting
together this weekend?
- Oh this weekend.
I think I'm all booked
up, but what the heck?
I'll put you on the wait list.
- Good, just let me know okay?
- I will, take care.
Buh-bye.
Did you see that,
put her on the wait list.
Man she is steamed.
All right, this ain't over.
It ain't over by a long shot.
- Hey Stacey is Ned here?
- No actually he
hasn't come home yet.
I think he's been on
another all night dating binge.
- What did he finally
reel in Janet Reno?
- I don't know but someone
ate my lowfat yogurt.
What's that?
- It's my autograph book.
Since Ned started
this dating spree
I've really filled it, look.
Shannon Doherty,
Anna Nicole Smith,
Sheri Lewis, that's Lambchop.
- Kerri Strug?
- Yeah well it's like Ned said,
she may be little but there's
nothing little about her heart.
- Hey kids!
- Hey Ned, you pull another
late one tonight huh buddy?
- Yeah, Roseanne wanted
to cuddle, who'd a thunk it?
- Well that's really great.
Ned I think you'll be happy to
know that while you were out,
your order from
Victoria's Secret arrived.
- Gosh, that five dollar rush
delivery fee really works.
- Ned where were you?
We've been here since
eight o'clock last night.
- Yeah and you're
out of pork rinds.
- And guess who had to
babysit them last night?
My room is still a mess
from the whip cream
pillowfight they had
in their underwear!
- Oh, well what can I tell ya?
I'm sorry.
Hey, the airlines
overbook all the time.
Whenever I do it I'm
the freaking bad guy?
- Ned, can we go out now?
- Yeah you promised to take us
to the lobby of your
girlfriend's building!
- I'm sorry, gosh,
about the misunderstanding.
Let's get a hug, come on.
Be the buns around a Ned burger.
Okay, all right
I'll tell you what.
Let's meet back
here in three hours
and what the heck?
We'll follow Diana to
her dental appointment.
And for god sakes, make
yourselves presentable huh?
- Okay.
- All right, Rico you want to
give the models a ride home?
- Yeah I don't have
my car, but I'll buy one.
- Bye Ned.
- See you tonight.
- Bye.
- Pillowfight!
- Stop it little man,
or I'll hurt you.
- She, she's gonna hurt me.
- Hoo man!
What a life.
Okay, the Ned
party train continues
and I have yet another hot
celebrity babe phone number here.
- Ned what are
you trying to prove?
- Not trying to prove anything,
just a normal social guy
having a normal social life.
Mandy Patinkin please.
- He's a man.
- Oh.
- You have to
stop this craziness.
- There's no craziness,
everything's fine.
- No everything is not fine.
- Everything is fine
and I'm perfectly happy.
- You are not happy, Ned.
- I am happy.
- Ned you are not happy.
- I'm a happy guy.
- Ned you are not happy!
- Happy over here.
- No you are not happy!
- I'm not happy!
What do you want me to tell you?
That Diana seeing other
people tears me up inside?
Well it does!
Is that what you want me to say?
Maybe I just need to date
a bigger volume of people.
A troupe of midgets perhaps.
You think the Ringling
brothers have sisters?
- Ned, Ned, Ned
Ned, listen to me.
Listen to me, no matter how
many Victoria's Secret models
or midgets or gymnasts or
members of the royal family
or handpuppets you may date,
you are never going
to be really happy
until a woman
looks into your eyes
and says Ned, you are
a wonderful, strange man
and even though
you may try and hide it
you are kind and sensitive
and I want to spend
the rest of my life with
you because I love you Ned.
Or something like that.
- Ned what a surprise!
Oh I see you're now
dating Robin Williams.
- Look, this was supposed to be
your one month anniversary gift.
Now it's just a parting gift.
See ya.
- No wait wait
let's talk about this.
- What there's nothing
to talk about, Diana.
I can't do this seeing other
people thing that you do.
All right?
Goodbye.
- No no wait wait wait.
Okay, okay I'm here watch this.
Stan.
- Yeah?
- Listen, things just aren't
working out between us.
It's not you it's me.
I really like you as a friend.
Any girl would be lucky
to have a guy like you.
You can keep the
money in your pocket
but I want the watch back.
Oh okay.
- There, how's that?
Happy now?
- Of course I'm not happy now.
Diana this isn't
about other guys.
- Well there are no women!
Okay, okay there
was one in college
but I went to Smith
for god sakes.
- No, it's not about
really, you keep in touch?
No, look look.
Although if you do keep in touch
maybe the three of
us could, you know.
No no no, look it's not
about anybody else.
Did it start off with
playful wrestling or?
No look look it's not
about other women
or about other guys, it's
hopefully about you and me.
And the way that
you feel about me.
- Well what about it?
- I don't want you to commit
to me because I insist on it.
I want you to commit
because you want to.
Do you want to?
- Oh Ned you're asking a lot.
I just, I don't know if I can
make that kind of a commitment
but I do know that
I care about you
and I know that I don't
want you to walk out that door
and I know another thing.
I can call my friend from Smith
and have her here in two hours.
- Once again, she leaves
me little room to maneuver.
No.
Just kidding, okay!
- Goodnight, whoa!
Goodnight.
- Why Ned?
- It was business.
- Strictly business.
Here's the deal, to
get the promotion
I needed the wife.
See to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So what the hell?
We up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
- Right, enjoy the show.
Hey thanks for coming,
you're special, you are!
Have a nice day!
Okay, coming through
with the coffee pot.
How are you today?
Hello there sir.
I see a little cutie pie
needs another cup of joe.
- Wow Ned, going out with
Diana really has given you
sort of a human quality.
- Well you're a spicy little
sausage, come here you.
Nate, what say you and I head
on down to the nude beach?
Bet it's been a
while since you had
your raisins in the sun.
- You're working my
last nerve, pretty boy.
- Ned, thank you
so much for parking
your Cadillac in the
loading zone again.
This time we only had to
carry this stuff six blocks.
- Yeah but at least this
time it wasn't hailing.
- Here, go, do.
- Rico, got
something in the office
I need to show you, come on.
- So what's up Ned?
Yo!
- Uh-huh.
I found him in the dumpster
out behind the Museum
of Natural History.
I'm gonna give him to Diana
for our one month anniversary.
- You've been going out
with Diana for one month?
Congratulations, that
beats your old record by,
well one month.
- You know I think maybe things
are getting a little serious.
- Wait wait a second
then, are you saying
that maybe Diana's the one?
- Oh I don't know,
nobody knows that for sure.
You think giving her
a Homeopithicus man
is a little schmaltzy?
- Don't think you have anything
to worry about there, buddy.
- Hi, I'm looking
for Ned Dorsey.
- Oh, hey Diana,
he's in the back.
- Thanks...
- Amanda.
Amanda Moyer.
Ned's partner.
- Have we met?
- Yes, yes seven times.
And every time you
say have we met?
And I say yes I'm Ned's
partner and then you smirk
and you make a
snotty little remark
about the fact that I run
a muffin shop for a living.
- Oh yes hi!
- Hi.
Bye!
- Hey Diana.
- Hi Stace, oh listen.
I am so sorry about hogging
the bathroom this morning.
I was in such a rush.
- Oh don't be silly!
- And listen you
know thanks again
for letting me have an
affair with your husband.
You have been
so good about that!
- Don't be silly!
- You are so sweet!
- You are!
- Oh come here!
- Oh would you look at that?
My mistress and my wife are
rubbing up against each other.
God bless American man.
- Hey Ned.
- What brings you by?
Little afternoon
delight perhaps?
You know I can have this
place cleared out in two minutes.
Quicker if I pull
down Nate's trousers.
- Better men than
you have tried.
- Honey I can't
stay, I just came by
to tell you that
I have to cancel
our dinner plans for tonight.
This stupid business
thing came up.
- Oh look, there's really no
such thing as a stupid business
except maybe that
day old sushi place.
- I knew you'd
understand, I gotta run bye.
Bye Stace!
- Bye!
- Bye...
A little help?
- Phyllis.
- Phyllis right!
And good luck
with your little shop.
- Honey I can't
believe we actually
got an evening
out alone together.
- I know isn't it great?
- Yeah god two
whole hours we don't
have to talk about children
or school or muffins or money.
- Oh you bet.
Oh.
For god sakes, can we get
some menus around here?
- Oh, hey look there's Diana.
- Oh let's go say hi.
- No no no no no no.
- Why not?
- I hate her.
- Honey she is your
sister's husband's girlfriend.
It would be rude not
to say hello, come on.
- No Eric.
- What is the problem?
- Look!
- Relax, she said she had
a business thing tonight.
- Yeah, nice work
if you can get it.
♪ This is the dawning
of the age of Diana
♪ Age of Diana
♪ Diana
Oh Diana nasty oh yeah!
Okay thank you.
I'm gonna slow it
down just a little bit.
I'd like to sing
one for ya that's,
well quite frankly it's
one of my favorites.
I hope to make it
one of yours too.
♪ Diana falling on my head
♪ That doesn't mean my
eyes will soon be turning red
- Eric I'm telling you
don't get involved.
- But she's cheating on him!
- So?
He's probably
cheating on her too.
That's what the Gentiles do.
- Please Eric, don't tell him.
Since he's been dating
Diana he's so much nicer.
Yesterday he actually
washed my sheets
before he short sheeted my bed.
- I just hate to see
him made a fool of,
I mean oh god
look at him up there.
♪ Hava Diana hava Diana
♪ Hava Diana
hava Diana she's hot
Hoo Diana, ah.
Okay, I'm gonna
take a quick break.
Be sure and tip your
bartenders and waitresses.
Next for your
lapdancing pleasure,
straight out of
Bangkok Stacey Dorsey!
I'm up!
- Not so fast, Lulu.
I was next.
- He said it was my turn!
- Oh I smell a duet.
- Hi, I'm Nate.
♪ Oh they say we're
young and we don't know
♪ Won't find out until we grow
♪ Well I don't know
I guess that's true
♪ 'Cause you've got
me and baby I've got you
♪ Babe
♪ I got you babe
- Oh man and people say
there's nothing to do
in New York at night.
- Yeah, Ned we have
something that we need to,
I have something that I really
need to tell you about Diana.
- Diana.
- Yeah.
- Say it soft, it's
almost like praying.
- Yeah, it is, okay.
We saw her at dinner tonight...
- Oh doesn't she
eat beautifully?
I love her.
I'm wearing her underwear.
So what were you saying Rico?
- I am the walrus cu-cu-cachoo?
♪ I got
♪ You babe
- Hello Eric.
- You.
How did you get in here?
- Through that big opening.
- Oh right.
- I suspect we both
know why I'm here.
- Actually no, no I don't.
- Don't play stupid, I saw you
at the restaurant last
night with that woman.
- That was my wife.
- Oh, Phyllis, right.
Look that man you saw me with...
- Oh yeah now I
suppose you're gonna say
there's some simple explanation.
- There is, I'm
sleeping with him.
- Oh please,
that is just so, oh.
- And you need to keep
your mouth shut about it.
- Oh maybe I will
and maybe I won't.
- Oh really?
You know Eric this is such
a well organized cubicle.
Be a shame if some of
these important memos
happened to fall off the wall.
- Hey, those were chronological!
- I suspect these are too.
- Hey that's, okay that does it.
Now I'm definitely telling him.
- Oh really?
Well I'll just tell him
that you're making up lies
because you have
yearnings for him yourself.
- Is that an eagle?
- Where?
- Would you look
at these split ends?
I know somebody
who hasn't conditioned
since one million years BC.
- Hey hey!
Please, just promise me you're
going to give him his bikini
wax on my day off all right?
- Ah, enough of this
sissy hairdressing stuff.
Time for me to bake.
- Good.
See you later.
How does he get those blonde
highlights so natural looking?
- Ned, Ned, I ran all
the way from the office.
I do not have yearnings for you.
- Oh yeah?
Then why'd you run?
- Her!
She's cheating on you.
- Okay fine, you told him
now go run back to the office.
You may want to
put out your cubicle.
- No, no!
- What's he talking about?
- Oh he's such a prude.
He saw me at Dugan's
last night with Stan.
- Stan?
- Yeah you know
this guy I've been
having a thing with
for the past few months.
I've told you about him right?
- Uh no.
- Oh, that's right I
told him about you.
- Diana, I thought you said
you had a business
dinner last night.
- Well yeah, I mean
Stan and I work together.
- Oh please.
- Wait a minute, are you upset?
- You're damn right I'm upset.
While you're off cavorting
with another man last night,
I was up there crooning
Achy Breaky Diana.
- Oh boy.
You know when I met
you Ned I thought wow,
finally a man who's not so weak
and simpy he needs to
cling to me for dear life.
Finally a man who'll make
hot monkey love to me
all night long and
in the morning go off
and live his life
while I live mine.
Was I wrong about you Ned?
- She didn't leave me a
lot of room to maneuver.
No of course not!
Ah no simpy weakling here.
- I mean I've just been assuming
there are other
women in your life.
- Oh, other women.
Oh just villages of women.
Oh I gotta date tonight.
In fact I'm glad
you reminded me.
Made a little note of it right
here in the old checkbook.
- Well good, I've
got a date too.
Maybe I'll see you at Dugan's.
- Maybe you will,
maybe you won't.
- Bye, love you.
- Right back at you
with the love thing huh?
Made a note of it
in your checkbook?
Oh that's clever.
Shut up!
Oh nothing like double
dating on a Friday night huh?
- Yeah nothing like it.
- So, what do
you do for a living?
- Oh I'm a dental hygienist.
- I'm a dance teacher.
- And I'm a graduate
student in psychology.
- I know what you're thinking,
I must be a thief 'cause I stole
three little angels
straight out of heaven huh?
- So Amanda, did you
know Ned was a triplet too?
- Okay.
- So Ned, when are Fred
and Jed getting here?
- You know I found
out before dinner,
Fred and Jed are dead.
- I can't believe how
gullible the two of you are!
He's not a triplet.
- If you know that
then why are you here?
- I'm doing my
doctoral thesis on men
whose arrested
emotional development
leads them to seek
sexual relationships
with two or more identical
siblings simultaneously.
- Well I think we
know which third
of the zygote got
the brains, huh?
Oh man, whew that
was a good one there.
Diana hello!
- Hello Ned.
- Well I guess I forgot that
you were coming here tonight.
Of course you know the Moyers.
- Hi Eric, hello Phyllis.
- And this is Kim, Rachel,
and Laura my date.
- Nice to meet all of you.
- So who's the one
guy you're with?
- This is Stan.
- Stan, Ned Dorsey, good to
see you, good to know you huh?
Well he's hunky and chiseled.
Good choice, a little
obvious but what the heck?
- So we still getting
together this weekend?
- Oh this weekend.
I think I'm all booked
up, but what the heck?
I'll put you on the wait list.
- Good, just let me know okay?
- I will, take care.
Buh-bye.
Did you see that,
put her on the wait list.
Man she is steamed.
All right, this ain't over.
It ain't over by a long shot.
- Hey Stacey is Ned here?
- No actually he
hasn't come home yet.
I think he's been on
another all night dating binge.
- What did he finally
reel in Janet Reno?
- I don't know but someone
ate my lowfat yogurt.
What's that?
- It's my autograph book.
Since Ned started
this dating spree
I've really filled it, look.
Shannon Doherty,
Anna Nicole Smith,
Sheri Lewis, that's Lambchop.
- Kerri Strug?
- Yeah well it's like Ned said,
she may be little but there's
nothing little about her heart.
- Hey kids!
- Hey Ned, you pull another
late one tonight huh buddy?
- Yeah, Roseanne wanted
to cuddle, who'd a thunk it?
- Well that's really great.
Ned I think you'll be happy to
know that while you were out,
your order from
Victoria's Secret arrived.
- Gosh, that five dollar rush
delivery fee really works.
- Ned where were you?
We've been here since
eight o'clock last night.
- Yeah and you're
out of pork rinds.
- And guess who had to
babysit them last night?
My room is still a mess
from the whip cream
pillowfight they had
in their underwear!
- Oh, well what can I tell ya?
I'm sorry.
Hey, the airlines
overbook all the time.
Whenever I do it I'm
the freaking bad guy?
- Ned, can we go out now?
- Yeah you promised to take us
to the lobby of your
girlfriend's building!
- I'm sorry, gosh,
about the misunderstanding.
Let's get a hug, come on.
Be the buns around a Ned burger.
Okay, all right
I'll tell you what.
Let's meet back
here in three hours
and what the heck?
We'll follow Diana to
her dental appointment.
And for god sakes, make
yourselves presentable huh?
- Okay.
- All right, Rico you want to
give the models a ride home?
- Yeah I don't have
my car, but I'll buy one.
- Bye Ned.
- See you tonight.
- Bye.
- Pillowfight!
- Stop it little man,
or I'll hurt you.
- She, she's gonna hurt me.
- Hoo man!
What a life.
Okay, the Ned
party train continues
and I have yet another hot
celebrity babe phone number here.
- Ned what are
you trying to prove?
- Not trying to prove anything,
just a normal social guy
having a normal social life.
Mandy Patinkin please.
- He's a man.
- Oh.
- You have to
stop this craziness.
- There's no craziness,
everything's fine.
- No everything is not fine.
- Everything is fine
and I'm perfectly happy.
- You are not happy, Ned.
- I am happy.
- Ned you are not happy.
- I'm a happy guy.
- Ned you are not happy!
- Happy over here.
- No you are not happy!
- I'm not happy!
What do you want me to tell you?
That Diana seeing other
people tears me up inside?
Well it does!
Is that what you want me to say?
Maybe I just need to date
a bigger volume of people.
A troupe of midgets perhaps.
You think the Ringling
brothers have sisters?
- Ned, Ned, Ned
Ned, listen to me.
Listen to me, no matter how
many Victoria's Secret models
or midgets or gymnasts or
members of the royal family
or handpuppets you may date,
you are never going
to be really happy
until a woman
looks into your eyes
and says Ned, you are
a wonderful, strange man
and even though
you may try and hide it
you are kind and sensitive
and I want to spend
the rest of my life with
you because I love you Ned.
Or something like that.
- Ned what a surprise!
Oh I see you're now
dating Robin Williams.
- Look, this was supposed to be
your one month anniversary gift.
Now it's just a parting gift.
See ya.
- No wait wait
let's talk about this.
- What there's nothing
to talk about, Diana.
I can't do this seeing other
people thing that you do.
All right?
Goodbye.
- No no wait wait wait.
Okay, okay I'm here watch this.
Stan.
- Yeah?
- Listen, things just aren't
working out between us.
It's not you it's me.
I really like you as a friend.
Any girl would be lucky
to have a guy like you.
You can keep the
money in your pocket
but I want the watch back.
Oh okay.
- There, how's that?
Happy now?
- Of course I'm not happy now.
Diana this isn't
about other guys.
- Well there are no women!
Okay, okay there
was one in college
but I went to Smith
for god sakes.
- No, it's not about
really, you keep in touch?
No, look look.
Although if you do keep in touch
maybe the three of
us could, you know.
No no no, look it's not
about anybody else.
Did it start off with
playful wrestling or?
No look look it's not
about other women
or about other guys, it's
hopefully about you and me.
And the way that
you feel about me.
- Well what about it?
- I don't want you to commit
to me because I insist on it.
I want you to commit
because you want to.
Do you want to?
- Oh Ned you're asking a lot.
I just, I don't know if I can
make that kind of a commitment
but I do know that
I care about you
and I know that I don't
want you to walk out that door
and I know another thing.
I can call my friend from Smith
and have her here in two hours.
- Once again, she leaves
me little room to maneuver.
No.
Just kidding, okay!
- Goodnight, whoa!
Goodnight.