Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 14 - The Skyward's the Limit - full transcript

- Diana.

Nah, it's me.

No, it is me.

Listen, I'm gonna be at
your place in six minutes.

Before I take you to airport,

I thought we might have
a little time for some...

Ay-ay-ay!

Sex.

We won't have much time
so just start without me.

Sneak up behind yourself nude.

- Okay, okay, slow down.



The library's coming up.

- Okay, here we go.

Out ya go.

- Stop the car.

- Come on, I'm only doing 20.

Tuck and roll.

- What?

Ned?

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

It was business.

Strictly business.

Here's the deal to
get the promotion,

I needed the wife.

Say to get a life, I
needed his apartment.



So what the hell?

We up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other.

Right.

Enjoy the show.

- Hey Stace.

How's the article going?

- Amanda, I have to say,

this is going to be
the best article ever

to appear in Skyward or
any other airline magazine.

- Well, that's...

Good?

- It's called The Secret
Rivers of the Northwest.

I mean, okay, the rivers
are supposedly pristine

but my research has
shown that some companies

have been dumping toxic
chemicals into some of them.

I even got a park ranger to
send me over four samples

of the tainted water.

- There's only three there.

- What?

Oh my God.

Someone asked
to borrow the cream.

- Ah, now this is coffee.

- There you go.

That'll be $3.25.

$3.25?

- Yeah, it's $3.25.

- I don't think that's what the
last proprietor charged me.

- See there you're
mistaken, Officer.

We kept the prices
exactly the same.

- Okay?

- Eric, sweetheart.

- Just one second, let
me finish with this officer.

- Eric.

- What?

- Why are you making him pay?

- I've been making everyone pay.

- He's a cop, just give
him his muffin for free.

- That's a bribe,
it's not right.

- It's a muffin!

- It's illegal, he could
go to jail for that.

- Eric, let me tell you
how things work, alright?

He'll look out for us if we
grease the wheels a little.

So go on.

- I don't wanna do it.

- No, go on, grease, grease.

Grease is the word.

- Don't pay us.

She made me do it, her, her.

That one right there.

Right there, right there.

- I'm so sorry, Officer.

It seems our register is broken.

Why don't you just
have that on the house?

- Well thanks.

Hey, I'll keep an extra
sharp eye on the place.

- Thank you.

No big deal, see?

- I guess but I'm just
not comfortable with it.

I mean who else do
we give free muffins to?

Doctors, firemen,
postal workers?

- Here's a helpful guideline.

Just anyone with a gun,
friend or foe, free muffins.

So yeah, postal workers.

- Dropped Diana off at
the airport an hour ago

and I haven't
cheated on her once.

- Fabulous.

- Although these next few
days are gonna be tough.

Gonna be tough.

I mean woman can smell it on ya

when you're unavailable.

They just wanna get ya.

Look at that, look at her,

undressing me with her eyes

in front of her boyfriend.

Hey, hey!

You've got a good man.

Just love him.

- Ned, could you harass people
from another table please?

- What's this?

- A sample I'm having tested.

- Really?

Tadpoles in your urine?

Well, don't make my mistake.

Get it treated before
they turn into frogs.

- Well, just finished reading

Secrets Rivers of the Northwest

and I must say
I'm very impressed.

- Well thank you, Mr. Pace.

- All that toxic waste
they're dumping, it's terrible.

I was going to take Doris and
the boys up there on vacation

but it looks like it's back
to Amish country for us.

- Good, good!

I mean it's not good that
you have to go Amish country.

I'm just saying
that I'm just so glad

that my article had an impact.

You know, I put in so
much time researching this.

I called a ton of people.

I had to listen
to a lot of music.

- Well once again,
very good work.

Great job digging
up all these facts.

Of course, you will
have to remove them.

Thanks.

- What?

- Stacey, we've been
through this before.

Now come on, be a good girl.

- Mr. Pace, I work really
hard to write good solid articles

for this magazine and every
time I put anything of substance

into one of them, you
put a line through it

with that stinky
red pen of yours.

- Stacey, people have
enough unpleasant thoughts

when they fly our airline.

We don't need to give them more.

Yeah but just because
we're an airline magazine,

doesn't mean we
have to be totally bland.

I mean we can
actually be cutting edge.

Have some controversy.

- Controversy is great
as long as it's the kind

of controversy that
everyone is comfortable with.

- But Mr. Pace, controversy.
- I really appreciate

your input, Stacey but no.

So if you could get your rewrite

to me by tomorrow
morning, thanks.

- But Mr. Pace, I don't...
- Thanks.

- Oh no, nothing bad ever
happens according to Skyward.

Rivers are never polluted,
politicians are never corrupt.

Countries never declare war.

According to Skyward,
that's not broken.

- Hey, my chocoholic mug.

- I'm really sorry, Marilyn.

- So what happen in there?

- Mr. Pace wants me to
take out every thing having

to do with toxic dumping.

- What?

That crumb-bum.

- I love the toxic dumping,
that is the best part.

- I know, I know.

- Oh boy, am I steamed.

I mean I am really steamed.

I am about this close to
saying something to him.

- What's the point, Dave?

There's nothing we can do.

- Why not?

I mean Pace can't put out
this magazine without us, right?

I mean if we don't
want to write fluff,

we don't have to write fluff.

Ed, you don't have

to just write jet lag
remedies and packing tips.

And Dave, you don't
have to just write

that crap about
celebrity chicken recipes.

- I was really
proud of that piece.

- You know what I mean.

I mean this could be a
great airline magazine.

I mean when passengers
are told that they are welcome

to take their
complimentary coffee,

they might actually take it.

Yeah!

- Come on, if we
don't band together,

he can't fire us all.

Yeah!

- What's all the hooplah, folks?

- Mr. Pace, we believe
that we can write edgier,

more meaningful
articles for this magazine.

We think it would make Skyward

something we
can all be proud of.

And if you don't agree,
then we'll just have

to go where our abilities
will be appreciated.

- Oh, you'll have to go.

Exactly who is going?

- All of us.

Marilyn, Dave.

- Yes, Stace.

- Hi Mr. Pace.

I brought you some
zucchini from my garden.

- Thanks.

- It doesn't look like
they're leaving, Stacey.

Oh and about your
article, I'll expect

that rewrite and an apology
first thing in the morning

if you still want to work here.

Sorry, I didn't mean to
raise my voice like that.

- Nate, I'm going crazy.

Suppose to have sex with
my girlfriend this morning

before she flew to Los
Angeles but no, the lights on.

It's for loading and
unloading passengers only.

Tough, man.

It's gonna be three days.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

- Three days?

That's nothing.

I was in the Japanese
prison camp for two years.

I once made love
to a bowl of soup.

- You still keep in touch?

- Look, if you miss your
girl, what don't you just go

to Los Angeles and see her?

- Yeah, yeah, thanks.

Yeah, I think I will go see her.

Remind me to set you up
with a case of chicken noodle.

- Here ya go, Officer.

A cup of coffee and
a pumpkin muffin,

that comes to $3.25.

Oh boy, look at this.

Our register is broken.

- No, I've got exact change.

- It's doesn't matter, your
money is no good here,

you cucky cop, you.

- No, I insist.

- Well, I refuse.

Well maybe you'll keep an
extra eye on the place, huh?

- Oh, you think I'm on the take?

- Well, aren't ya?

- Let me tell you
something, mister.

I take pride in what
this badge stands for.

I put my life on the line
for people like you everyday

and I don't do it
for a stinkin' cup

of coffee and a lousy muffin.

- Do you like sticky buns?

- What the hell is
that suppose to mean?

- I'm sorry, is there
a problem, Officer?

- No, no problem, I'd like
to pay for my breakfast

without having
integrity spit on.

- Oh sorry, he's new.

And he's not quite right.

- Yeah, yeah.

- That'll be $3.25.

- I'll be watching
you, muffin man.

- Thanks, come again.

What are you doing?

- You said anyone
with a gun, he's a cop.

- What am I, your mother?

Use your own
judgment, for God's sake.

- My own judgment.

- That's it.

You wanna push me, Pace?

Fine, you've pushed me.

I am out of there.

You can kiss my brandized
educated ass goodbye.

- Stacey, guess
what, guess what?

- You're flying to L.A.
to have sex with Diana.

- No, I'm gonna fly to L.A.

Fun killer!

- Ned, I don't have
time to chat right now.

- What are you doing?

- If you must know,

I am writing my resignation
letter to Skyward.

How do you spell asinine?

- A-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I.

- That's assissippi.

- Stacey, how can you quit
your job when you owe money

to me, your parents, Metro Bank,

the girl scouts,
Public Television.

- That was just a pledge.

- You got the Three
Tenors tote bag.

- Hey, what's up?

- I have decided to quit my job

because they
won't print my article

and clearly, Ned does
not understand that.

- You're quitting?

Are you insane?

- Oh so now you're
both against me?

- How was the anti-Stacey
meeting this morning?

Good, we swore
in 30 new members.

- Stacey, honey, it's not
that we're against you.

It just really hurts us to
see you act like an idiot.

- It is my life and I
have decided to quit.

- Fine.

- Come on, Amanda.

Let's go write the
anti-Stacey theme

and form the
anti-Stacey militia.

- I can do this.

I can do this.

I will just cut down on my
spending until I get another job.

First for starters, I will
stop buying $300 outfits

and I will tell the bank that I
just need another extension.

And I will give
back that tote bag

and I don't need three
whole meals a day

or health insurance

or gum.

The Secret Rivers of
the Northwest are some

of the most pristine
and peaceful places

on the face of the earth.

♪ I'm gonna see my girlfriend

♪ I'm gonna see my girlfriend

♪ I'm gonna ride on an airplane

♪ That's how I'll
see my girlfriend

- Okay, coming up to
your place of business.

Now remember, when you
jump out this time, stay relaxed.

That's how drunks walk
away from accidents.

Stacey?

- Yeah.

- What's the matter?

- What do you think?

I have to go back to Mr. Pace
and grovel for my lousy job.

- Well groveling's
good and good for ya.

Okay look, here
we are at your office.

Come on, plane to catch.

Girlfriend to have sex with.

Come on.

- I am 28 years old and I've
been trying for seven years

to become a serious
journalist and I'm not.

And I never will be.

I'm just a hack writer
for an airline magazine.

- Come on, kiddo.

Listen to me.

Get out.

- You're right.

I should go in there and
just do what I have to do.

You're right.

All right.

How do I look?

- Pretty good except you
gotta shipwreck on booger reef.

Land Ho!

- Yeah?

Okay.

Thanks for the ride, Ned.

- You're welcome.

Take care.

Good to see ya.

Appreciate you.

Goodbye now.

Stacey, Stacey, hang on!

You forgot your article.

Man.

Hmm?

Hmm.

- Hello.

- Hi Stacey.

- I gotta tell you Stacey,

after you left yesterday,
I got so mad at him.

I nearly walked in there.

- Shut up, Dave.

- Oh, hello Stacey.

I'm glad you decided to join us.

- Yeah Mr. Pace,
may I speak with you

for a moment in your office?

- Why should we
go into my office?

Judging by yesterday, we
obviously enjoy speaking

before the entire group.

- Mr. Pace.

- Everyone, your
attention please.

Our favorite agitator
has something to say.

There you go.

- Yesterday, when I
said what I said about...

- A little bit louder.

- Mr. Pace and the magazine,

I may have been
a little rash and...

Unprofessional.

Unprofessional.

- And now I realize.

- And now I realize
that it is better

to write articles that
are nice and soothing.

And?

- And don't make you
feel all thinky and upset.

The way that Time
and Newsweek do.

- Oh and are you telling us

you think your work
is of that caliber?

- You're damn right she is.

- Ned?

What are you doing here?

- You left your
article in my car.

- And you are?

- Ned Dorsey, the
man who is proud

to be divorcing this
writer slash woman.

- Ned, please leave.

Okay?

Come on.

- Listen, pal.

I just sat in my car
reading that article.

- Ned.

- And I gotta tell you,

it is one of the most hard
hitting exposes I've ever read

on sparkling rivers,

- Ned!

- burnet meadows,
and hoppy bunnies ever.

- Ned!

- Yeah?

- You read the revised version.

The one I wanted to run was
about toxic waste contamination.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

Who's wants to read about
that when they're flying?

- Well I rest my case, Stacey.

- The article isn't
even the point.

The point is she is
too good of a writer

and too good of a
person to take abuse

from someone like you.

You!

You who are so expressionless
and featureless and bland.

I can't even find
something to make fun of.

She quits.

- What, what?

No, I don't.

- Oh yes, you do.

- No, I don't.

- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.

- You do.
- I don't.

- Oh you do.
- I don't, I don't.

Okay, excuse me please.

Okay Ned, I am not quitting.

I know that I will get
a better job eventually

but until I do, I
am staying here.

- To hell with that, just quit.

I'll loan you enough money
until you find something better.

- No, Ned.

I came here to grovel and
that's what I'm gonna do, damn it.

- Stacey, don't grovel

- I am gonna grovel.

- No groveling.

- Yes.
- No, Stacey, don't.

- No, no, no.

No, no, no.

Now, let me do this.

Mr. Pace, I am ready
for my next assignment.

- Okay then, here ya go.

- Top 10 Airport
Restrooms: An Insider's View.

Thank you, sir.

It is good to be back.

- I can't believe I
missed my flight.

I would've been having
sex with Diana right now.

My whole body
ached for this moment.

- Oh.

I don't like you're
looking at me, boy.

- Bet you wouldn't say that

if I was floating
in alphabet soup.

- Here ya go, thanks.

Eric.

Can you watch the counter?

I need to make some
phone calls in the back.

- You got it.

- Sure you can handle
watching the counter?

- Is it gonna go somewhere?

I think I can handle it.

- A bran muffin.

- Same for me.

My own judgment.

- Actually today we have a
special, buy one get one free.

- Okay.

Okay.

- Ned?

What are you still doing here?

I thought you were on your
way to L.A. to see Diana?

- It's kinda hard to get
there without a plane.

- You missed your plane for me?

- Yeah.

- Well anyway, thank
you for what you did

in my office today.

You helped make a humiliating
situation even more awkward.

- You're welcome.

- Honestly, it's nice to know

that I'm believed in
by somebody else.

You know, someone of your ilk.

By you.

Thank you.

Come on.

Let me give you a hug.

- Stacey, it's not a good idea.

Stacey, I wouldn't do it.

Go away now, I must sleep.

There's the library.

- Ned, this is not the library.

It's a deserted stretch of road.

- Huh?

What's the difference?

Deserted stretch
of road, library,

we're just practicing
the ol' tuck and roll.

Ned, this is not funny.

Ha Ha!

- Good night, wow.

Good night.