Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Errand Girl - full transcript

♪ Old McDorsey had a farm

♪ E-I-E-I-O whoa ♪

Whoa, whoa.

What happened to
my prized tomato?

And my best head of lettuce?

Stacey, Stacey!

- Yeah, Ned?

- Did you take my prized tomato
and my best head of lettuce?

- Oh yeah, I did.

I had a real craving for a BLT.

- A BLT?



Where's my champion pig?

Mr. Oinky!

Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

It was business.

Strictly business.

Here's the deal,

to get the promotion,
I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other.

Right.

Enjoy the show.

Ah, so is everything
to milady's satisfaction?



- Um hmm.

- Are you drunk enough
to have sex with me yet?

- I am always drunk enough
to have sex with you, Ned.

Mmm.

- What a night, you
made a wonderful dinner,

picked the perfect wine,
sculpted my likeness

in Jell-O, is there
anything you can't do?

- Well, there is
one thing, but I think

that's God's
special gift to dogs.

Mmm.

- Uh!

Ah!

Uh!

Ned?

Ned?

Ned, Ned.

Uh!

- Not my time!

- Don't even ask
me about my day!

Oh, hi, Diana.

Hi, Stacey.

- I think I've looked at
every lousy apartment

in the tri-state area.

- Stacey.

- One apartment
actually had no windows.

There was carpeting on the walls

and the ceiling
but not on the floor.

- Stacey!

- What?

- Diana and I are having
a romantic evening,

as per the memo I sent you.

- Well, what do you
want me to do, Ned?

For now, I still live here.

I have to come in, don't I?

- No.

Out of courtesy, you
spend the night in the hall

and then scamper in in the
morning when I get the paper.

- Believe me, Ned, I
wanna move out of here

just as much as you want me to.

As a matter of fact,
I found the perfect

apartment today, but,
of course, they want

all this money for it.

- You know what your problem is?

You are too picky.

Picky, picky, picky.

Miss Pickle Feather, huh?

Plenty of apartments available
for your modest budget.

Come on, let's
just have a looksy.

Huh?

Yeah, right there, okay?

550 a month, easy access
to community restroom, huh?

Hell's Kitchen adjacent.

There it is.

There's another one, live-in
kennel assistant needed.

- Stop it!

This is not a joke!

I know that I have
to move out of here

when the divorce is
finalized, and I want to,

but I have to live in
a decent apartment,

and I've been looking
and looking and looking,

and I have a hole in
my shoe, and I chipped

my tooth on a stale gummy bear.

- Aw, the stale
ones are no good,

just the mushy ones.

Yeah, it's gonna be okay.

You'll find an apartment.

Don't worry, and as for
that tooth, don't you worry.

You got seven others, huh, huh?

- Oh God, all I wanna
do right now is collapse

on the couch and watch
when animals attack.

- No, no, can't though
'cause we're using

the living room, so you're
gonna have to watch

TV in your room, okay?

Come on, scoot, scoot.

- No no no no, my TV is broken.

I only get public access.

- Uh, Ned, why don't we
let her use the living room.

I don't mind.

All right, darn it.

Just when I had all the hidden
cameras aimed at the couch.

- It's tough out there, huh?

- Yeah, it's no fun being poor.

- Listen, I hope I'm
not offending you,

but if you really need to
earn some extra income,

I've been looking to hire
a new personal assistant.

- Oh.

Um, that is so
nice of you, Diana,

but I really want
to stay focused

on my writing career.

- Of course, of course,
it was rude of me

to even suggest it.

You're obviously over qualified,

and anyway, I can
only pay 1,000 a week.

- 1,000?

Like, dollars?

- Well, yeah.

- What would it involve?

- Oh, you know, just
miscellaneous stuff.

- Sounds interesting.

- Errands, research,
taking care of my apartment,

nothing too glamorous,
but you would still

be able to write.

You just need to be on call.

- When would I start?

- Tomorrow.

- Let's do it.

Oh my God, thank
you so much, Diana.

- Hey, wait.

You guys hold that pose.

I don't know, Rico.

I don't know how I
feel about this thing

between Stacey and Diana.

I mean, how would
you feel if your mistress

was giving orders to your wife?

- Uh, horny.

- All right, hit me with
another banana walnut.

- I'm cuttin' you off, pal.

- What?

Hey, hang on, I'll tell
you when I've had enough!

- Now, look at you,
you're all hopped

up on raisins and
sugar and lard.

I'm cuttin' you off, pal.

- All right, fine!

I'll go in the back,
and I'll lick batter

off the mixing blades, and
you knock before you come in!

- Hey, Amanda.

- Hey, Stace.

- The Rules, oh,
that's that new book

with all the dating
advice, right?

How is it?

- It's okay.

It kind of reminds me
of being 17 and talkin'

to mom, except I'm not
stoned, and she's not crying.

- Okay, come on,
ask me about my job.

- Okay, I'm game.

How's the new job?

- Only the best I've ever had!

Diana is paying me
a fortune, and all I do

is answer phone calls, pick up

a few things for
her, nothing to it.

- Stacey, it's none
of my business,

but isn't schlepping
around someone else's

dry cleaning kind of
a little beneath you?

- Honey, remember,
you gotta snake the drain.

- I take that back.

- Oh, there's more, here.

- What's that?

- Diana gave me an
entire month's salary

in advance so I could
start paying off my debts,

and the first one I wanted
to repay was the $800

you and Eric loaned me.

- Aw, thank you.

- Look, I don't
want to get maudlin,

but you really saved
my life with that.

- Stacey, you're family, please.

- Uh uh, it's Diana again.

I gotta go, thank you.

- All right, don't mention it.

You lent her money!

- Mm, mm, num, oh,
okay, what's going on here?

You're not moaning with
pleasure as per my memo.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Ned.

I can't stop thinking
about how the hell

I can lock down
the Slimco account.

- Not even whenever I do this?

Um um um um ung.

- Ow!

I've got it!

If I can get the
storyboards to the clients

before we pitch the account,
that will clinch it for sure.

- Oh, undercutting those
that play by the rules.

I like it.

Stacey, you're
interrupting my sex.

I want my sex.

- Diana paged me.

What is it you need, Diana?

- Okay, go to the living room,

get the Slimco storyboards
out of my briefcase,

take them to my office,
make color Xeroxes,

have the copies on
the CEOs doorstep

no later than 5 a.m.

Got it?

- Yeah.

- And while you're
out, bring me back

a pint of chocolate
chocolate chip ice cream.

- Chocolate chip.

- No, chocolate chocolate chip.

- Chocolate chocolate
chocolate chip.

- No, just chocolate
chocolate chip.

- Okay.

- Stacey, hang on a second.

Um, forget about the ice cream.

I'll go pick that up, and
there's a phone number

by the phone, call
Solway Courier Service.

I think they can get
those storyboards

to the client quicker
than she can.

- Thanks, Ned.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

And I think somebody
around here needs

some beauty sleep, huh?

Huh?

The only thing you're missing
is snakes on your head.

Yeah.

Okay, looks like somebody's
got some ice cream

to get, and how about a six pack

of malt liquor to wash it down?

- What was all that about?

- Oh, yeah, you know,
just tryin' to help her out.

She looked a little tired.

- Why would you
wanna help her out?

That's her job.

That's what I pay her for.

- Yeah, but Diana, it's 2 a.m.

I mean, have a heart.

- Have a heart?

Have a heart?

Were you not the
one who sent my last

assistant to Central Park
in the middle of the night

in the pouring rain to see
which way the carousel turns?

- Okay, that was
to settle a bet,

and I think somebody around
here still owes me a dime.

- This is about
Stacey, isn't it?

- What are you talking about?

- You have a thing for her!

- What?

A thing for Stacey?

Me?

That's preposterous!

- Come on, Ned, you
lived in the same apartment

for a year and a half.

You share a bathroom,
for God's sakes!

Are you trying to
tell me that you never

once walked in
accidentally while she

was taking a shower
just to catch a glimpse

of her lithe, nubile silhouette

behind the
semi-opaque glass door?

- Excuse me, but I
happen to have been

using the bidet!

Now, if you don't mind,
I'm gonna get the ice cream.

- Oh, don't be ridiculous!

At this hour, you
could be killed.

- Oh, then if you don't mind,
I have some sleep to get.

- So then you're
saying you don't have

any feelings for Stacey at all?

- None whatsoever.

- Okay, so then you
don't care how I treat her.

- Treat who?

Ha, see!

Good night.

- Good night, Ned.

- Hey, what are you reading?

- The Rules.

- You fished that out of the
garbage in the ladies room?

- It was close to the top.

Actually, there's some
pretty good advice in here.

- Like what?

- Like this, rule number 16,

"Never tell the man what to do."

- Gimme that.

- Okay.

- Go in the back
and help Albert.

- Right away, right away.

- Heel, Elmo, Elmo.

Okay, Wendy.

Okay, you're gonna sit now, yes.

You wanna sit.

- Well, I guess
someone had to finish

last in the Iditarod.

- I am so sorry.

Diana made me walk these dogs.

I am just exhausted.

- She has five dogs?

- No, they're not even hers.

They belong to people
who live in her building.

She wanted to be
neighborly, so I am.

- Stacey, why are you
putting up with this abuse, huh?

I mean, you've paid
us back, just quit.

- I can't quit yet.

I need this money.

- Hey, stop sniffing me!

- Oh, oh, oh, oh,
Zuzu, now you hold it in

'cause if you tink on
Aunt Amanda's floor,

I'm not gonna clean it up.

- Ha ha, I think you are.

- Then I think we're
gonna go to the park now.

Okay guys.
- All right,

I'll see ya later.

- All right, you ready?
- Buy, scruffy.

- You ready guys?

Okay, come on, hey, hey, Elmo

- Hi, Stacey.

- Hi, Diana.

- Hey, Stacey, gosh,
look at all the dogs.

Okay, who wants to guess
whether I'm friend or enemy, huh?

What are you doing, Stacey?

- Diana wanted me to
walk her neighbors' dogs.

- Why?

- I like my neighbors.

- You hate your neighbors.

- Oh, that's right,
I like Jim Nabors.

Oh well, no harm
done, right, Ned?

- Um, yeah, yeah,
no harm, no foul, huh?

Excuse me.

- Okay, I better get going

and get the dogs back.

- Oh, no no no
no, before you go,

I have a few more
teensy weensy things

I'd like for you to do.

- Okay, what?

- First, stop by
Bloomingdale's and pick up my

dress for the Bookworm party.

Oh, and I will need
a strapless bra,

so try on a few and make
sure they don't pinch.

- I'll get right on it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast.

I also need you to go to my
aunt's house in Connecticut.

Her nurse is off this week,
and she may need turning over.

- What?

Okay, fine, I'll go now.

- Hold it, Stacey.

Uh, Ned, since Stacey's
going to be out and about,

are there any errands
you have for her?

- Um, no.

- Really?

You always have
errands, or maybe it's just

that you don't want
Stacey to run them.

- You know, now
that you bring it up,

there is something I
could use, Lifesavers,

cherry or they're
going right back, missy.

Okay?

Run along.

- Oh, come on, Ned.

You must need more than that.

- Well, I do need
my prostate checked,

but I promised that to Rico.

- Seriously, what was
it you said that you

needed for the garden
on your balcony, hmm?

What was that?

- Manure.

How much?

- You know, I think
about a pound,

have 'em slice it thin, okay?

- Yesterday, you said 40 pounds.

- Fine, 40 pounds of manure!

Make it 50!

What the hell,
make it 200, I may

want to build a dung hut.

That's all.

Go on, Stacey.

- Okay, come on, guys.

Oh oh oh, all
right, okay that's it!

- Gomer, how come you
never went to Vietnam?

Hey, Stacey.

Whatcha got there?

- Where do you want this?

- Look, you can just
leave it right there.

Listen, Stacey.

- What?

What, Ned, what?

What, is the manure
not fresh enough for you?

You want me to sit under
a steer with an empty bag?

- Stacey, you just
don't understand.

- I understand perfectly.

You and Diana are
having a wonderful time

batting me around
like a little cat toy.

Well, enjoy it while you
can, because the second

that I have one penny
more than I need,

I will be out of
both of your lives.

- Stacey, hang
on, it's not the way

that you think it is.

- Really?

What way is it?

- A way completely
unlike the way

that you think that it is.

There, you got it out of
me, are you happy now?

- Look, I don't
have time to solve

your stupid little riddles.

I have a party to go to,
and I smell like Nebraska.

- Fine!

Go and shower
your nubile lithe body

behind semi-opaque glass!

See if I walk in accidentally!

- Brent, I just finished
reading Glimpses of Madness,

and I thought it was riveting.

- Thank you, Diana.

So Mr. Dorsey, I take it
from your conspicuous

silence you didn't
care for my new novel.

- Oh no, you couldn't
be more wrong.

I loved it.

Took the wobble right
out of my kitchen table.

Huh?

Nah, just funnin' ya,
seriously, didn't read it!

- Excuse me, please.

- You know, I'm gonna go get
something to drink real quick.

- Okay, now, remember,
the author's nametags

are color coded.

A red dot means
do not serve alcohol.

A blue dot, do not serve meat.

A black dot, do not resuscitate.

- Hi, Stacey.

- Ned.

- So how's it going, Stacey?

- Everything is
totally under control.

I just sent Mario out to
get a case of champagne.

Now, if everything
is taken care of,

I thought I might go and
mingle among the literati.

- Sure, sure.

Oh, oh, I hate to
ask, but I do need you

to do one more
tiny little thing.

Oh Ned, what do you
think of our little bookworm?

- Please, Diana,
I feel like an idiot.

- Oh, nonsense,
you look adorable.

Here are some hors d'oeuvres.

Now um, wiggle
around and be seen.

Go on now.

- Crab puff?

- So I said to Updike, Johnny,
enough with the rabbits,

move on to primates.

- Excuse me, Mr. Nicholson?

- No, thank you.

- Oh, no no no no
no, I just wanted to tell

you how much I loved
Glimpses of Madness.

- Oh well, thank you very much.

- I'm actually a writer myself.

Mostly nonfiction, but
I actually had a short

story published a few years ago,

and I would love
your opinion of it

if you could spare the time.

- What's it about,
fishing from the point

of view of the bait?

Or perhaps it's called
Worms of Endearment.

- Goodbye.

- Where are you going?

- I am quitting.

- You can't, you
haven't even crawled

out of the giant apple yet.

- Oh, only an apple?

Not a compost heap?

Oh, you are slipping, Diana.

Oh, I have an idea.

Why don't you
just cut me in half.

That way you and
Ned could each have

a worm to humiliate and abuse!

I am so outta here.

God, I will return your stupid
worm suit in the morning.

- What's with her, huh?

Come on, let's dance.

- No, actually,
I'll be right back.

- Where are you going?

- I'm just gonna
check on Stacey,

make sure she's okay.

It stopped raining, don't want

her to dry up on the sidewalk.

- Hold it!

Look, let's just
stop playing games.

You do have feelings
for her, admit it.

- Yeah, maybe, I don't know.

I mean, I feel a little
protective towards her, sure.

Is that so wrong?

- No, no, no, it's
more than that, Ned.

You know, you and
Stacey have this, this

this human, warm thing that
I just can't compete with it.

- Look, it's not that bad.

I mean, why can't I have
the warm, human thing

with Stacey and with you
I'll have all the other stuff.

- You're the one who said
you wanted total commitment.

When you asked me
to give up everyone

else for you, I did it.

Now it's your turn.

If you walk out that
door, we're through.

- Forget it, I'll
take the subway.

- Hi there.

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, just thought
I'd walk you home.

- Why, you wanna point
me out to hungry birds?

- Yeah.

- Where's Diana?

- Well, that's over.

- Really?

'Cause of me?

- No, no, it's religious
conflict, actually.

Yeah, I'm Episcopalian,
she worships the devil.

Couldn't figure out
how to raise the kids.

- Ned?

- Takes more than
a button to kill me!

- Good night, whoa.

Good night.