Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 8 - Fifteen A-Minutes - full transcript
Why Stacey?
Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed a wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
Right, enjoy the show.
Hello, hello ladies!
We've got muffins
here, come on in!
Come on in, and
have some muffins!
You know you want 'em.
You do, yes you do!
Aw, go on then, to
your fancy church.
Nuns!
No time for muffins.
They only eat God's biscuits.
- Ned, you are
scaring people off,
and not to mention
setting yourself up
for a nasty little afterlife.
- Hey, at least I'm
trying to do something.
We are dying here.
Wait a second, did you tell
people about the mouse raisins?
It's extra protein!
Man!
- That really helped, thank you.
Honey, it's not that bad, is it?
- Well, sales are down
28% from last month,
and 21% from the month before,
but the good news is
we qualify for bankruptcy.
- Great, it's that scone and
crumpet place up the street.
It's killing us.
I always hated those Limeys.
Oh, wow, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, I was
just kidding, pip pip, huh?
Henry the Eighth I am, cheerio!
What's happening to us?
- Hey guys.
- Hey Stace.
Oh, Stacey, hey.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you
buy a muffin, huh?
- Uh, you know,
I'm not really hungry.
I had some Chiclets.
- Does anyone else smell that?
- Smell what, I
don't smell anything.
- Kind of a sugary,
biscuity smell?
What, leave me alone.
- It's Stacey's purse, get it.
- What, no, no,
there's nothing in there.
Quiet, you.
- A scone.
- I just walked by, and
it just smelled so good.
- Who sells scones?
- Sconehenge, it's a new
place around the corner.
Really?
I love British food.
Ask for Nigel.
Oh, sorry.
- All right, finish
your scone, eat it.
- Yeah, finish your scone,
with no milk.
- Hey, hey, hey, now come
on, now come on, now.
Forcing Stacey to eat
a scone without milk
isn't going to solve anything.
We've got to stick together.
If we don't, it's just what
those scone makers want.
What we've got to do is think.
Think of a way to get
people back in here.
- Got it!
Amanda, from now on, mix
the batter in the window, nude.
Better yet, wrestle a monkey,
mixing the batter, nude.
- Okay, as long
as it's a monkey.
- Ned, you are supposedly
this advertising genius.
Why don't you just make a
commercial for this place?
- Stacey, we are a
tiny, failing muffin shop.
We don't have the kind of money
it takes to make a commercial.
- Wait a second.
Rico, we're shooting that
basketball sneaker ad tomorrow.
I'm listening.
- On lunch hour, we
sneak the crew over here,
no one sees us, shoot our
commercial on the client's dime,
then sneak the crew back
over there, no one ever notices.
- Ned, we cannot afford
to take that kind of risk.
- Dammit, we
can't afford not to.
- Hi, I'm Amanda Moyer
of Amanda's Muffins.
My muffins are hot and moist,
just like Grandma used to make.
They're more than delicious,
they're Amandalicious.
So if you've got a hankering
for something that...
- Cut!
- What, what was
wrong with that one?
- Hankering, no.
Hankerin', yes, homespun.
Where were you
raised, not in a barn.
Roger that!
Look Ned, I hate to be the
bad guy, but my source tells me
the clients will be back
from lunch in 15 minutes.
Plus, we're running
out of stolen film.
- Okay, let's go
from right there.
Everybody, get set.
- Ned, this is
stupid; I can't do this.
- And, action.
- Hi, I'm Amanda Moyer
of Amanda's, uh, Muffins.
- More energy.
- More energy, got it.
- And sparkle.
- Hi, I'm Amanda Moyer
of Amanda's Muffins.
My muffins are hot and moist,
just like Grandma used to make,
so they're more than
delicious, they're Amandalicious.
Cut!
- What?
- What are you, on angel dust?
Settle down.
The word is, "Amanda-licious,"
okay, "Amanda-licious,"
common word, people
use it every day, get it right.
- Ned, Ned, the clients are
leaving Stringfellows right now.
They'll be back at the
shoot in 10 minutes.
- Okay, let's take it
from Amandalicious.
- They're Amandalicious.
- Not Amandalicious,
Amanda-licious.
- Amandalicious.
- They've got the cab, Ned.
- From the diaphragm,
Amandalicious.
- Amandalicious.
- More warmth.
- But real.
- Amandalicious.
- They're crossing Delancey.
- Amandalicious.
- Don't say it, convey it.
Amandalicious.
- Say it, don't spray it.
Ama...
That's it, just forget it!
I am not doing this anymore.
This is stupid.
- Put on the bonnet,
Aunt Bea, we're still rolling.
- You want to do this?
Fine, here goes.
Just buy the damn muffins,
you slack-jawed dimwits!
There, how's that?
You like that?
- Um, that's not in the script.
- Well, it's a stupid script,
and this is a stupid commercial,
and you can take this stupid
bonnet, and shove it up your...
- Ned, it's four
o'clock in the morning.
I'm sleepy, I took NyQuil.
Don't lock me out
on the balcony again.
- I won't, I need you tonight.
- What are you guys doing here?
- Oh, we just finished
our guardian angel shift.
We thought we'd pop on up.
- It's the world premiere
of Ned's commercial
for the muffin shop.
It comes on at
exactly 4:13 a.m.,
during the first commercial
break for Davey and Goliath.
- Ned, how did you even make
a commercial from what we shot?
It was all crap.
- If anybody knows anything
about crap around here,
it's yours truly.
- 12 seconds.
- Hi, I'm Amanda Moyer
of Amanda's Muffins.
My muffins are hot and moist,
just like Grandma used to make.
They're more than delicious.
They're Amandalicious.
Amandalicious.
Amandalicious.
Amandalicious, licious, licious.
That's it!
Forget it!
I am not doing this anymore!
I hate this friggin' commercial!
You are such an idiot.
Hey, imbecile!
Hey, fat-ass pimple
head, back off!
Hippie freak!
You are such a twerp.
What are you looking at?
Just buy the damn muffins,
you slack-jawed dimwits!
Go yourself!
Amanda's Muffins, they're good.
So, what do you think?
- And here's your
change, thanks a lot.
- Aren't you gonna
say, you know?
- Oh right, just buy
the damn muffin,
you slack-jawed dimwit.
- Man, that was sweet!
I can't believe it.
I actually met the muffin bitch.
- Thank you, that's
very kind, thank you.
- Uh-huh, so you a believer now?
- Ned, this is the best
week we have ever had.
I guess you kinda do
know what you're doing.
Kind of, more like sort of.
- Hey Amanda, there's a
couple who wanted me to ask you
if you'd berate them
for a few minutes.
Sure, why not?
- No, no, insults only
at the time of purchase.
- But they came all the
way down from Vermont.
Can you at least
give 'em a dirty look?
With pleasure.
- They also asked if
you'd give them a finger.
- Okay.
- No, no.
Insults only at the
time of purchase.
I'll give 'em the finger.
- So, uh, Ned, let me ask you.
Was this whole
angry muffin lady thing
your idea from the start?
I mean, did you actually
come up with lame copy
just to try to get
me to blow up?
- Uh, of course I did.
Amandalicious?
You think I'd ever use a
hackneyed phrase like that?
- Hey Ned, I saw your ricealicious
commercial the other day.
It came out great, buddy.
- Listen, there's a
line forming over there.
Come on, chop chop.
- Hello, what can I get you,
you mush-mouthed cretin?
Hey, hey, hey, pipe down.
I'll get to you soon enough,
you bunch of inbred idiots.
Hey, just buy the damn
muffins, you slack-jawed dimwits!
Well, I'm so exhausted,
I just want to sit in a big,
fat martini and marinate.
Moyer, reservation for four.
- I don't have you down.
- I can see my name right there.
- That's a different Moyer.
- What?
- You heard me.
Besides, by the look of
you, I think you might enjoy
dining at the hot dog
stand across the street.
- Hey, hey, hey,
hey, meat, listen.
I'm tired of the attitude, I
just want my friggin' table.
Got ya!
I recognized you all along.
You're that muffin
lady, aren't ya?
- Yup, yup, this is her,
muffin lady, as seen on TV.
- Hey Lou, look at this!
We got the muffin
lady right here,
and I got her to yell
at me, it was real easy.
- Could we just have
our table please?
- Sure, right this way.
- They recognize
you, say something.
Oh, you suck.
Bite me.
- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Everybody is staring,
this is really weird.
- You're a celebrity, enjoy it.
Excuse me, could we have
an order of free crab cakes?
She's on TV, thanks.
- Hey, hey, there you are.
How's the shop?
- Oh, it was a
madhouse right to closing.
- Really?
I would have thought
that business would fall off
if Amanda wasn't
there to insult them.
- Nah, got that all covered.
Hired an Amanda impersonator.
And he is really good.
- Oh God!
- And I think he's a little
sweet on Mr. Rico over there.
- Really, what did
he say about me?
- Enough, enough.
- You know what?
And the nasty muffin
lady got her first fan letter.
- You're kidding, let me see.
- Notice the return address,
Leavenworth Maximum Security.
Fancy.
- Did he say he liked me,
or was he just looking at me?
- What?
- All right, enough about
the damn muffin shop.
Let's just order our drinks.
Hey, muffin lady, look at this!
- Oh my God.
- Huh?
T-shirt comes in all sizes.
This is a medium blimpy.
Adrian, get a picture of
me and the muffin lady!
- That was quite a thrill, huh?
Amanda?
Mm-hmm.
I have a confession to make.
What?
I've been a bad muffin customer.
Very, very bad.
Tell me I've been a bad, bad...
Oh Eric, stop it.
- Oh come on, I'm kidding.
- That's not funny!
- Don't stop, honey.
- No, I'm not in
the mood anymore.
- Oh come on, you verbally
abuse me when I don't ask you to.
- Eric, am I really like that?
- Like what?
- You know, nasty, surly, mean?
Uh, no.
- I am, aren't I?
- No, no, honey, you're
not, you're not like that at all.
It's just the one tiny aspect
of your personality
that really pops.
- Oh God, I'm just getting
so sick of this, you know?
Everywhere I go, people
expect me to be this shrew,
to berate them and demean them.
- Oh come on, it's
not that bad, is it?
- Eric, I had to learn sign
language because some deaf guy
wanted me to say,
"What are you, deaf?"
- Look honey, why
don't you just come back
to bed and get some sleep?
Remember, you've got to get up
at 5:30 tomorrow
morning to do that show.
- Oh God, that's right, the
Skip and Lindsey Show.
Ugh, I don't want to do that.
I don't want to do any of this.
I'm gonna call Ned and cancel.
- Now honey, wait, just
wait a second, hold on.
Now listen to me, you
could turn this around
and make it work for you.
- What do you mean?
- Now you've got a platform.
You could use it to show
people that you're more
than just the mean muffin lady.
Show them that you're a smart
and talented business woman.
Can I do that?
- Yes, you can.
- I can.
I am an entrepreneur.
- That's right.
- And I could talk
about being a woman
and starting a small
business and maybe be
an example for other
women that want to do that.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right, I love
you, thank you.
- I love you too.
- Let's get back in bed.
- Where were we, okay I
remember, it's over here.
Now, just this once, call
me a slack-jawed dimwit?
Ow! Oh!
- A raspberry muffin
and a cappuccino to go.
- Thank you.
- Now, eat your damn
muffin, you slack-jawed dimwit.
How dare you!
- Oh Eric, come
here, she's almost on.
- Welcome back.
- Hello.
- Correct me if I'm wrong,
but you don't want to get
on the wrong side of
our next guest, am I right?
That's right, Skip.
She's a local muffin shop
owner whose no-nonsense style
is taking New York by storm.
- You know, I don't want
to hear the word, "storm."
I think we've had enough
rain here in New York, huh?
Is it just me?
Stop it, Skip.
Anyway, you probably know
her as the mean muffin lady.
Please welcome Amanda Moyer.
- Welcome.
- Hi.
- Nice to have you here.
- Thank you.
- Have a seat.
- Great to have
you here, Amanda.
- Thanks.
- I hope you brought enough
muffins for everyone, huh?
- No, no muffins,
I just came to talk.
- Well I tell ya, we
love the commercial.
Do we not love this commercial?
- Oh yes, we do, we do.
- You are so
nasty in this thing.
I mean, I've seen this at times,
and I wanted to jump right
into the set and punch you.
I want to punch her too.
So, tell us how
this all came about.
- Oh well, um, I bought the
shop about seven months ago
with my partner, Ned Dorsey.
Actually, the commercial
was really his creation.
He's actually sitting
right over there.
Anyway, all of the
reaction to the commercial
has been a lot of fun,
but what I'm really hoping
is that women will
become encouraged
by my success to start...
- If I could cut in for
a second, Amanda.
We actually have a little
surprise for you, don't we, Skip?
- We sure do.
Would you mind coming with me?
Come on.
Come on, you'll like this.
Look at that, hey, you thought
you were getting a big head.
Amanda, what we've done
is selected a couple of people
from our studio
audience for you to insult,
the same way you
would do in your store.
- And the person who
makes you the angriest
is gonna win a special prize.
- Now Amanda, I hope this
doesn't put you on the spot.
- Well actually, I
was sort of, you know,
hoping we could talk about...
- First up, we have
Chuck from Staten Island.
- Hi, muffin lady.
I'm a tourist from out of town.
Will you please direct me
to the Empire State Building?
Stupid guy from out
of town, make him pay!
- Just, uh, buy a damn muffin.
- Aw come on, bitchier!
Bitchier, bitchier!
- Who's next, Lindsey?
- Skip, this is Doris
Lit from Queens.
- Yeah, I have a fifty.
Can I have change for the bus?
- Oh well, actually,
I would give someone
change if I had it.
- Yeah, you'll get
your change, Olive Oyl,
thrown in your face,
'cause she's mean.
- Hey, hey, stop it, stop
it, I don't want to do this.
- Oh, because she's so
unpleasant, right folks, come on.
- Stop it, I'm just trying to
make a point here, all right?
- Yeah, the point is that
she's a big, screechin' harpy.
No, no I'm not.
No, stop it.
God, you people are a
bunch of brain-dead idiots.
Stop screaming.
God, turn this thing
off before I smash it.
Listen to me!
Listen, I am not this
thing that you think I am.
I'm just a wife and a mother
and a business woman,
and I like to think that
I'm kind of a nice person,
and, look, I'm sorry about
your segment, I just...
Uh, listen, it's all
part of the show.
Okay, on with the insults,
you're ugly, and you're ugly,
and you're ugly,
I got a million of 'em.
You're all ugly!
In fact, this whole section
is unpleasant to see.
Hey, hey, take it easy.
Did that go well?
- Yeah, I think it went fine.
- Hey Ned.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Did you come back to apologize?
- Well actually, no.
You're my ride home.
- Couldn't just be
mean to 'em, could ya?
Had to get all sympathetic
and vulnerable.
Yeah, that side of
you disgusts me.
- Oh come on Ned, lighten up.
I mean, we've
still got the shop,
and business is
good again, right?
- I know, but you know,
I could smell the
brass ring on this one.
This coulda been my,
"Where's the beef?"
My, "That's a spicy meatball."
My, "By Mennen."
- Well, maybe ricealicious
will be the one, huh?
- Nah, I already
blew that campaign.
Commercial wasn't
even about rice.
Just leave me alone!
- Just eat your damn muffin!
Eat your damn muffin,
you slack-jawed dimwit!
Go away, please.
And you, you suck.
And you, bite me.
- Ned, what the
hell are you doing?
It's all over.
- What?
I'm not Ned.
Ned's over there.
- Hi, I'm Ned, good to
see ya, good to know ya.
- Eric?
- I'm sorry, honey.
Ned made me do it to
divert blame from himself.
Way to go, Rico.
- My muffins are hot and moist,
just like Grandma used to make.
They're more than delicious.
They're Amandalicious.
Amandalicious.
Amandalicious.
Amandalicious, licious, licious.
That's it, forget it!
I'm not doing this anymore!
You are such an idiot.
Hey, imbecile.
Hey, fat-ass pimple head.
What are you lookin' at?
Just buy the damn muffins,
you slack-jawed dimwits.
Goodnight, whoa, goodnight.
Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed a wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
Right, enjoy the show.
Hello, hello ladies!
We've got muffins
here, come on in!
Come on in, and
have some muffins!
You know you want 'em.
You do, yes you do!
Aw, go on then, to
your fancy church.
Nuns!
No time for muffins.
They only eat God's biscuits.
- Ned, you are
scaring people off,
and not to mention
setting yourself up
for a nasty little afterlife.
- Hey, at least I'm
trying to do something.
We are dying here.
Wait a second, did you tell
people about the mouse raisins?
It's extra protein!
Man!
- That really helped, thank you.
Honey, it's not that bad, is it?
- Well, sales are down
28% from last month,
and 21% from the month before,
but the good news is
we qualify for bankruptcy.
- Great, it's that scone and
crumpet place up the street.
It's killing us.
I always hated those Limeys.
Oh, wow, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry, I was
just kidding, pip pip, huh?
Henry the Eighth I am, cheerio!
What's happening to us?
- Hey guys.
- Hey Stace.
Oh, Stacey, hey.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you
buy a muffin, huh?
- Uh, you know,
I'm not really hungry.
I had some Chiclets.
- Does anyone else smell that?
- Smell what, I
don't smell anything.
- Kind of a sugary,
biscuity smell?
What, leave me alone.
- It's Stacey's purse, get it.
- What, no, no,
there's nothing in there.
Quiet, you.
- A scone.
- I just walked by, and
it just smelled so good.
- Who sells scones?
- Sconehenge, it's a new
place around the corner.
Really?
I love British food.
Ask for Nigel.
Oh, sorry.
- All right, finish
your scone, eat it.
- Yeah, finish your scone,
with no milk.
- Hey, hey, hey, now come
on, now come on, now.
Forcing Stacey to eat
a scone without milk
isn't going to solve anything.
We've got to stick together.
If we don't, it's just what
those scone makers want.
What we've got to do is think.
Think of a way to get
people back in here.
- Got it!
Amanda, from now on, mix
the batter in the window, nude.
Better yet, wrestle a monkey,
mixing the batter, nude.
- Okay, as long
as it's a monkey.
- Ned, you are supposedly
this advertising genius.
Why don't you just make a
commercial for this place?
- Stacey, we are a
tiny, failing muffin shop.
We don't have the kind of money
it takes to make a commercial.
- Wait a second.
Rico, we're shooting that
basketball sneaker ad tomorrow.
I'm listening.
- On lunch hour, we
sneak the crew over here,
no one sees us, shoot our
commercial on the client's dime,
then sneak the crew back
over there, no one ever notices.
- Ned, we cannot afford
to take that kind of risk.
- Dammit, we
can't afford not to.
- Hi, I'm Amanda Moyer
of Amanda's Muffins.
My muffins are hot and moist,
just like Grandma used to make.
They're more than delicious,
they're Amandalicious.
So if you've got a hankering
for something that...
- Cut!
- What, what was
wrong with that one?
- Hankering, no.
Hankerin', yes, homespun.
Where were you
raised, not in a barn.
Roger that!
Look Ned, I hate to be the
bad guy, but my source tells me
the clients will be back
from lunch in 15 minutes.
Plus, we're running
out of stolen film.
- Okay, let's go
from right there.
Everybody, get set.
- Ned, this is
stupid; I can't do this.
- And, action.
- Hi, I'm Amanda Moyer
of Amanda's, uh, Muffins.
- More energy.
- More energy, got it.
- And sparkle.
- Hi, I'm Amanda Moyer
of Amanda's Muffins.
My muffins are hot and moist,
just like Grandma used to make,
so they're more than
delicious, they're Amandalicious.
Cut!
- What?
- What are you, on angel dust?
Settle down.
The word is, "Amanda-licious,"
okay, "Amanda-licious,"
common word, people
use it every day, get it right.
- Ned, Ned, the clients are
leaving Stringfellows right now.
They'll be back at the
shoot in 10 minutes.
- Okay, let's take it
from Amandalicious.
- They're Amandalicious.
- Not Amandalicious,
Amanda-licious.
- Amandalicious.
- They've got the cab, Ned.
- From the diaphragm,
Amandalicious.
- Amandalicious.
- More warmth.
- But real.
- Amandalicious.
- They're crossing Delancey.
- Amandalicious.
- Don't say it, convey it.
Amandalicious.
- Say it, don't spray it.
Ama...
That's it, just forget it!
I am not doing this anymore.
This is stupid.
- Put on the bonnet,
Aunt Bea, we're still rolling.
- You want to do this?
Fine, here goes.
Just buy the damn muffins,
you slack-jawed dimwits!
There, how's that?
You like that?
- Um, that's not in the script.
- Well, it's a stupid script,
and this is a stupid commercial,
and you can take this stupid
bonnet, and shove it up your...
- Ned, it's four
o'clock in the morning.
I'm sleepy, I took NyQuil.
Don't lock me out
on the balcony again.
- I won't, I need you tonight.
- What are you guys doing here?
- Oh, we just finished
our guardian angel shift.
We thought we'd pop on up.
- It's the world premiere
of Ned's commercial
for the muffin shop.
It comes on at
exactly 4:13 a.m.,
during the first commercial
break for Davey and Goliath.
- Ned, how did you even make
a commercial from what we shot?
It was all crap.
- If anybody knows anything
about crap around here,
it's yours truly.
- 12 seconds.
- Hi, I'm Amanda Moyer
of Amanda's Muffins.
My muffins are hot and moist,
just like Grandma used to make.
They're more than delicious.
They're Amandalicious.
Amandalicious.
Amandalicious.
Amandalicious, licious, licious.
That's it!
Forget it!
I am not doing this anymore!
I hate this friggin' commercial!
You are such an idiot.
Hey, imbecile!
Hey, fat-ass pimple
head, back off!
Hippie freak!
You are such a twerp.
What are you looking at?
Just buy the damn muffins,
you slack-jawed dimwits!
Go yourself!
Amanda's Muffins, they're good.
So, what do you think?
- And here's your
change, thanks a lot.
- Aren't you gonna
say, you know?
- Oh right, just buy
the damn muffin,
you slack-jawed dimwit.
- Man, that was sweet!
I can't believe it.
I actually met the muffin bitch.
- Thank you, that's
very kind, thank you.
- Uh-huh, so you a believer now?
- Ned, this is the best
week we have ever had.
I guess you kinda do
know what you're doing.
Kind of, more like sort of.
- Hey Amanda, there's a
couple who wanted me to ask you
if you'd berate them
for a few minutes.
Sure, why not?
- No, no, insults only
at the time of purchase.
- But they came all the
way down from Vermont.
Can you at least
give 'em a dirty look?
With pleasure.
- They also asked if
you'd give them a finger.
- Okay.
- No, no.
Insults only at the
time of purchase.
I'll give 'em the finger.
- So, uh, Ned, let me ask you.
Was this whole
angry muffin lady thing
your idea from the start?
I mean, did you actually
come up with lame copy
just to try to get
me to blow up?
- Uh, of course I did.
Amandalicious?
You think I'd ever use a
hackneyed phrase like that?
- Hey Ned, I saw your ricealicious
commercial the other day.
It came out great, buddy.
- Listen, there's a
line forming over there.
Come on, chop chop.
- Hello, what can I get you,
you mush-mouthed cretin?
Hey, hey, hey, pipe down.
I'll get to you soon enough,
you bunch of inbred idiots.
Hey, just buy the damn
muffins, you slack-jawed dimwits!
Well, I'm so exhausted,
I just want to sit in a big,
fat martini and marinate.
Moyer, reservation for four.
- I don't have you down.
- I can see my name right there.
- That's a different Moyer.
- What?
- You heard me.
Besides, by the look of
you, I think you might enjoy
dining at the hot dog
stand across the street.
- Hey, hey, hey,
hey, meat, listen.
I'm tired of the attitude, I
just want my friggin' table.
Got ya!
I recognized you all along.
You're that muffin
lady, aren't ya?
- Yup, yup, this is her,
muffin lady, as seen on TV.
- Hey Lou, look at this!
We got the muffin
lady right here,
and I got her to yell
at me, it was real easy.
- Could we just have
our table please?
- Sure, right this way.
- They recognize
you, say something.
Oh, you suck.
Bite me.
- Enjoy your dinner.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Everybody is staring,
this is really weird.
- You're a celebrity, enjoy it.
Excuse me, could we have
an order of free crab cakes?
She's on TV, thanks.
- Hey, hey, there you are.
How's the shop?
- Oh, it was a
madhouse right to closing.
- Really?
I would have thought
that business would fall off
if Amanda wasn't
there to insult them.
- Nah, got that all covered.
Hired an Amanda impersonator.
And he is really good.
- Oh God!
- And I think he's a little
sweet on Mr. Rico over there.
- Really, what did
he say about me?
- Enough, enough.
- You know what?
And the nasty muffin
lady got her first fan letter.
- You're kidding, let me see.
- Notice the return address,
Leavenworth Maximum Security.
Fancy.
- Did he say he liked me,
or was he just looking at me?
- What?
- All right, enough about
the damn muffin shop.
Let's just order our drinks.
Hey, muffin lady, look at this!
- Oh my God.
- Huh?
T-shirt comes in all sizes.
This is a medium blimpy.
Adrian, get a picture of
me and the muffin lady!
- That was quite a thrill, huh?
Amanda?
Mm-hmm.
I have a confession to make.
What?
I've been a bad muffin customer.
Very, very bad.
Tell me I've been a bad, bad...
Oh Eric, stop it.
- Oh come on, I'm kidding.
- That's not funny!
- Don't stop, honey.
- No, I'm not in
the mood anymore.
- Oh come on, you verbally
abuse me when I don't ask you to.
- Eric, am I really like that?
- Like what?
- You know, nasty, surly, mean?
Uh, no.
- I am, aren't I?
- No, no, honey, you're
not, you're not like that at all.
It's just the one tiny aspect
of your personality
that really pops.
- Oh God, I'm just getting
so sick of this, you know?
Everywhere I go, people
expect me to be this shrew,
to berate them and demean them.
- Oh come on, it's
not that bad, is it?
- Eric, I had to learn sign
language because some deaf guy
wanted me to say,
"What are you, deaf?"
- Look honey, why
don't you just come back
to bed and get some sleep?
Remember, you've got to get up
at 5:30 tomorrow
morning to do that show.
- Oh God, that's right, the
Skip and Lindsey Show.
Ugh, I don't want to do that.
I don't want to do any of this.
I'm gonna call Ned and cancel.
- Now honey, wait, just
wait a second, hold on.
Now listen to me, you
could turn this around
and make it work for you.
- What do you mean?
- Now you've got a platform.
You could use it to show
people that you're more
than just the mean muffin lady.
Show them that you're a smart
and talented business woman.
Can I do that?
- Yes, you can.
- I can.
I am an entrepreneur.
- That's right.
- And I could talk
about being a woman
and starting a small
business and maybe be
an example for other
women that want to do that.
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- All right, I love
you, thank you.
- I love you too.
- Let's get back in bed.
- Where were we, okay I
remember, it's over here.
Now, just this once, call
me a slack-jawed dimwit?
Ow! Oh!
- A raspberry muffin
and a cappuccino to go.
- Thank you.
- Now, eat your damn
muffin, you slack-jawed dimwit.
How dare you!
- Oh Eric, come
here, she's almost on.
- Welcome back.
- Hello.
- Correct me if I'm wrong,
but you don't want to get
on the wrong side of
our next guest, am I right?
That's right, Skip.
She's a local muffin shop
owner whose no-nonsense style
is taking New York by storm.
- You know, I don't want
to hear the word, "storm."
I think we've had enough
rain here in New York, huh?
Is it just me?
Stop it, Skip.
Anyway, you probably know
her as the mean muffin lady.
Please welcome Amanda Moyer.
- Welcome.
- Hi.
- Nice to have you here.
- Thank you.
- Have a seat.
- Great to have
you here, Amanda.
- Thanks.
- I hope you brought enough
muffins for everyone, huh?
- No, no muffins,
I just came to talk.
- Well I tell ya, we
love the commercial.
Do we not love this commercial?
- Oh yes, we do, we do.
- You are so
nasty in this thing.
I mean, I've seen this at times,
and I wanted to jump right
into the set and punch you.
I want to punch her too.
So, tell us how
this all came about.
- Oh well, um, I bought the
shop about seven months ago
with my partner, Ned Dorsey.
Actually, the commercial
was really his creation.
He's actually sitting
right over there.
Anyway, all of the
reaction to the commercial
has been a lot of fun,
but what I'm really hoping
is that women will
become encouraged
by my success to start...
- If I could cut in for
a second, Amanda.
We actually have a little
surprise for you, don't we, Skip?
- We sure do.
Would you mind coming with me?
Come on.
Come on, you'll like this.
Look at that, hey, you thought
you were getting a big head.
Amanda, what we've done
is selected a couple of people
from our studio
audience for you to insult,
the same way you
would do in your store.
- And the person who
makes you the angriest
is gonna win a special prize.
- Now Amanda, I hope this
doesn't put you on the spot.
- Well actually, I
was sort of, you know,
hoping we could talk about...
- First up, we have
Chuck from Staten Island.
- Hi, muffin lady.
I'm a tourist from out of town.
Will you please direct me
to the Empire State Building?
Stupid guy from out
of town, make him pay!
- Just, uh, buy a damn muffin.
- Aw come on, bitchier!
Bitchier, bitchier!
- Who's next, Lindsey?
- Skip, this is Doris
Lit from Queens.
- Yeah, I have a fifty.
Can I have change for the bus?
- Oh well, actually,
I would give someone
change if I had it.
- Yeah, you'll get
your change, Olive Oyl,
thrown in your face,
'cause she's mean.
- Hey, hey, stop it, stop
it, I don't want to do this.
- Oh, because she's so
unpleasant, right folks, come on.
- Stop it, I'm just trying to
make a point here, all right?
- Yeah, the point is that
she's a big, screechin' harpy.
No, no I'm not.
No, stop it.
God, you people are a
bunch of brain-dead idiots.
Stop screaming.
God, turn this thing
off before I smash it.
Listen to me!
Listen, I am not this
thing that you think I am.
I'm just a wife and a mother
and a business woman,
and I like to think that
I'm kind of a nice person,
and, look, I'm sorry about
your segment, I just...
Uh, listen, it's all
part of the show.
Okay, on with the insults,
you're ugly, and you're ugly,
and you're ugly,
I got a million of 'em.
You're all ugly!
In fact, this whole section
is unpleasant to see.
Hey, hey, take it easy.
Did that go well?
- Yeah, I think it went fine.
- Hey Ned.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Did you come back to apologize?
- Well actually, no.
You're my ride home.
- Couldn't just be
mean to 'em, could ya?
Had to get all sympathetic
and vulnerable.
Yeah, that side of
you disgusts me.
- Oh come on Ned, lighten up.
I mean, we've
still got the shop,
and business is
good again, right?
- I know, but you know,
I could smell the
brass ring on this one.
This coulda been my,
"Where's the beef?"
My, "That's a spicy meatball."
My, "By Mennen."
- Well, maybe ricealicious
will be the one, huh?
- Nah, I already
blew that campaign.
Commercial wasn't
even about rice.
Just leave me alone!
- Just eat your damn muffin!
Eat your damn muffin,
you slack-jawed dimwit!
Go away, please.
And you, you suck.
And you, bite me.
- Ned, what the
hell are you doing?
It's all over.
- What?
I'm not Ned.
Ned's over there.
- Hi, I'm Ned, good to
see ya, good to know ya.
- Eric?
- I'm sorry, honey.
Ned made me do it to
divert blame from himself.
Way to go, Rico.
- My muffins are hot and moist,
just like Grandma used to make.
They're more than delicious.
They're Amandalicious.
Amandalicious.
Amandalicious.
Amandalicious, licious, licious.
That's it, forget it!
I'm not doing this anymore!
You are such an idiot.
Hey, imbecile.
Hey, fat-ass pimple head.
What are you lookin' at?
Just buy the damn muffins,
you slack-jawed dimwits.
Goodnight, whoa, goodnight.