Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 5 - Les Is More or Less Moral-less - full transcript
- God, this has been
such a good year!
Getting a divorce,
working my way outta debt.
Finally feeling really,
ya know, independent.
Plus I'm so excited about
that trip mommy and daddy
bought me for Hanukkah.
- They got you a trip?
I got an ab roller.
- Merry Christmas.
I hope you kids have
been good this year
'cause Uncle Ned's
got warm muffins for ya.
Ho ho ho ho ho, woah ho,
hey, woah ho hey woah.
- What?
- Are these the baskets
that my boss ordered?
- Yeah.
- Well, let's load
'em up, cheapo.
Come on.
And it don't hurt to throw
in a couple of nudie dolls.
Why Stacey...
Why Ned...
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal, to
get the promotion,
I needed a wife.
To get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common,
we irritate each other.
Right, enjoy the show.
- Mr. Moyer, he's
been waiting for you.
- Yeah, I...
Sorry.
I know I'm a little late, sorry.
It's probably about
this audit report.
I got here just as
quick as I could.
Is he mad?
- All I know is
that he's waiting.
- This is your little
baby Jesus, thank you.
- Well, the alarm works Pat!
Scared the crap
outta you, didn't we?
- You okay, Moyer?
- Yeah, just a few hot,
scalding coffee burns
on my groin, but...
- Well, sorry about that son,
but we've had some
information leaks around here
and I've had to
beef up security.
Got my rug wired with weight
sensors this very morning.
- Gee, I'm just so happy
to be the unwitting dupe, sir.
Is that why you
called me up here?
- Oh no, of course not.
I was expecting that
year end audit report
from you days ago.
Where is it?
- Well sir, I ran
into a few glitches,
so it's not quite ready yet.
- Oh for God's sake
Moynihan, the man is leaving
on a well-deserved
vacation right after the
Christmas party tonight.
When do you expect
him to look at it?
- Well, I...
- Are you trying to ruin
the man's vacation, huh?
What are ya, some
kind of vacation ruiner?
- I'm late for lunch.
Look, just email that
audit report to me
by the end of the day.
Today, got it?
- I got that sir, yes sir.
Les, could I have a word
with you for a second?
- Look, look, Moyner,
I'm sorry I laid
into ya back there.
It's just my need
to belittle others
in front of their superiors.
Merry Christmas.
- It's Moyer.
It's Moyer actually
and I wanted to ask you
about this audit.
- Catch me later.
I've got a massage.
- It's about your
expense account.
- What about it?
- Well, the truth is,
it's a little outta whack.
For instance, last
October, you put in for
a lot of lunches.
- Well, I had a lot of
lunches that month, so?
- Well, actually,
it was 94 lunches.
That averages out to
3.13 lunches per day.
- I binge and purge.
- Okay, well,
I dug a little further
and I found a lot more
questionable stuff.
There's dinners,
European vacations,
there's fur coats, jet
skis, Rogaine treatments.
There's breast enlargements,
breast reductions.
- Woah, woah, woah.
Wait a minute.
What is this?
Like I'm the only executive who
takes a few liberties
with his expense account?
- Well, no sir.
It's just not quite like this.
- How much could a
few perks add up to?
- Well actually, it's
just under $208,000.
- My God!
Moyle.
Ya know, you're my favorite
accountant here, don't ya?
There must be
something I can do for ya
to just make this go away.
Ya like girls in Catholic
school uniforms?
- I mean, not enough to lie
about an audit report, Les.
- Then why did you
even tell me about this?
You just wanna watch me squirm?
- I just thought I'd give
you a chance to explain,
that's all.
- I don't have an explanation.
- Well, you leave me no choice.
I've gotta submit
my report to Kirkland.
- Oh really?
Well let me tell you something.
I may walk on land,
but I am a shark.
You cross me and I
will swallow you whole
and let you die very
slowly in my intestines.
Merry Christmas.
- That's not even
medically possible.
Your stomach acids
would kill me long before
I could die in your
tummy, so Merry Christmas
to you too, buddy!
Ned.
- Huh?
- I've got an airport
shuttle coming any second.
Call me when they buzz, okay?
- Okay.
Pull my tie.
- What?
- Come on, pull my tie.
- Is this the same as
when I pull your finger?
- Maybe.
Come on, pull my tie.
♪ Christmas time is here
♪ A time for joy and cheer
♪ Reindeers hooves are racing
♪ Santa's elves are dancing
- If you wanna hear
Hanukkah music,
give me a wedgie.
- As tempting as that is
Ned, I've gotta finish packing.
- Hey Les, Merry Christmas.
What brings you over?
- Oh you know what
brings me over, Dorsey.
Your little friend
in accounting.
- Oh yeah, Eric told
me the whole story.
- 12 years, eight audits.
Nobody finds nothin'
and he gets assigned
to do one and he's
like the terminator.
Except instead
of killing people,
he's adding up
numbers correctly.
- So, what do you
want from me, Les?
- Talk to him Dorsey.
Everyone knows you
have him on a short leash.
Make him squelch that report!
- First of all, I don't
have him on a leash.
His wife does.
Secondly, I'm not
getting involved Les.
- Ned, Ned.
Look, I'm 47 and
I am in a business
where 30 is old.
I haven't had a
good idea in years.
I stole that one.
I'm hangin' by my fingernails
and Kirkland finds out
about that report,
my career is over.
My life is over!
♪ Christmastime is here
♪ A time for joy and cheer
♪ Reindeers hooves are racing
♪ Santa's elves are dancing
- Huh, huh?
And I'm about to floor ya.
I got this for 12.95.
- Hey, you're really
enjoying watching me
twist in the wind, aren't ya?
- No Les, I am
not enjoying this,
but the truth of the matter is,
you dug this hole for
yourself, my friend.
- Don't get high
and mighty on me.
Maybe there are a few
things you don't want
Kirkland to know either.
- Hey, it's a prescription
device and I need it for support.
- I'm not talking about
whatever the hell
you're talking about.
I'm talking about her!
- What about her?
- Well, how would you
like it if I told Kirkland
about your cute
little fake marriage?
- Fake marriage?
Huh, that's just crazy talk Les.
Right Stacey?
That's just crazy talk.
- Umm, yeah, crazy talk.
- Please, spare me, both of you.
She told my wife all about
your little arrangement
at Kirkland's pool
party last year.
- I did not!
Oh wait, I did.
Oh look look, we played tennis
and we had a few mimosa's
and then she was telling me
about Les's problems
in bed, so I felt like
I had to share something!
- Look Dorsey,
I have no beef with you.
But my back is
against the wall here.
Now you straighten this out
or you are going down with me.
And you tell that
know-it-all Moyer
that there have been
cases documented
where an animal has
passed through the stomach
of a shark alive and
intact only to suffocate
in the intestines.
- Gosh man, I
can't believe this.
Okay, cannot panic here.
Gotta think, gotta think.
- Umm, that's my shuttle.
So, have a really
good time at the party
and don't eat too much
and I'm really sorry
I revealed the fake
marriage and all.
See you in a week.
- Don't move.
- But I...
- No, no moving.
You got me into this and
now you're gonna help
get me out of it.
- But my vaca...
- No, no speaking either!
No moving or speaking!
- But, I!
- Speak, no!
- Move, no!
Now I want you to meet
me at the Christmas party
in one hour and I'm
gonna go find Rico.
- Can I move?
- No.
- Okay honey, I just
finished loading the car
with all the baskets and
these are the last two.
Thank you for your
help, by the way.
- I'm sorry honey.
- Oh hey now.
What's goin' on?
Are you still thinkin'
about that thing with Les?
- Me? No.
Well, yeah, a little.
- Oh hey now, listen,
honey, I'm really proud of you.
- Yeah?
- You did the right thing.
- You think so?
- Oh yeah!
I mean, he's just
lucky I wasn't there
when he was mean to you.
'Cause I would've slit him
open and hollowed him out
and I would've paddled
him around like a canoe.
- Ya know, I love it when
you talk like that, come here.
- Rico!
And Amanda.
- Ned, do you usually watch
people from the hedges?
- What is it, Ned?
- I need your help, Rico.
- What's the matter?
- I think I may be a woman
trapped in a man's body.
- Wow, well that
would explain a lot.
Alright, I'm gonna
go wait in the car.
- Ned.
Ned, ya know, those
feelings are normal.
I have them all the time.
- Yeah no!
I'm not a woman in a man's body.
- What, what is it?
- Did you already turn that
audit report in to Kirkland?
- Yeah, I emailed it
about a half an hour ago
right before I left.
- Darn.
- Why?
- Damn it.
Well maybe he hasn't
had a chance to read it yet.
Do you think you
can retrieve it?
- It's possible
but what's wrong?
Why would I wanna do that?
- Look, Les found out
that I married Stacey
to get a promotion and he's
threatening to tell Kirkland
unless we squelch that report.
- Well, that rat fake.
He'll do anything to cover
up his slimy larceny, won't he?
- Don't I know it?
But he's not gonna get
away with it, no sirree.
Soon as we get that
audit report back,
ya know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna take
a bag of dog doo,
set it on fire, put it
on his front porch,
ring the bell and run away.
Then we'll see who's laughing.
- I'm not comfortable
doing that Ned.
- Why not?
Ya see, when he's
stamping out the fire,
the dog doo gets
all over his shoes.
It's a big mess,
it's really funny.
Well, I've done it before.
- I don't mean that.
I mean stealing my audit
report back and then changing it.
I can't do that!
- Why not?
- Well, it's unethical.
When I went to
accounting school, I took a
sacred oath.
- Accountants
don't have an oath.
- I wrote my own.
Then I took it.
- My career is on
the line here, Eric.
I don't wanna start
over at another agency.
I can't sleep with all
those people again.
Come on.
What's it gonna be?
- The answer's no.
Now, can you respect that?
- Yeah, I can.
- Fine, then I'll do it.
- Ned, I apologized 50 times.
I postponed my vacation
and now, I am here.
So what the hell do
you want me to do?
- I'm gonna find Rico and
see if he's retrieved the report,
so I may not even need you.
In the meantime, go over there.
They have free food.
Fill up your purse.
- Shut up!
Oh, little blinis.
- Oh hey Ned.
Hi, have you seen Eric?
He disappeared the
second we got here.
- I do not know where Eric is.
- Merry Christmas everybody!
Merry Christmas.
Oh Amanda, these are gorgeous.
- Oh thanks.
- Listen, let's put
them in my office.
I have to go in there
anyway to print out
your husband's report.
- Okay.
- No, no.
No, Pat.
You can't go into your office.
- Why not?
- Because.
I may be a woman
trapped in a man's body.
- Come on, let's go.
- Don't let Pat go
into his office, go!
- Pat!
- Yes?
- You are going on vacation.
- I do a little
hunting in Vermont.
- Oh wow.
This is so weird.
I am quite a hunter
myself, don't ya know?
- You're a vegetarian.
- Well, I don't eat them.
I just kill 'em.
- What do you hunt with?
- A sword.
- Rico, did you get the report?
- I can't access his
file for some reason.
Woah woah, pay dirt.
- Did you get in?
- No, but I'm in the
lesbian chat room.
- Ya know, they call
that fun bunching.
Come on, we don't
have time for this.
- I'm telling ya, I
can't get in from here.
He's got a new security
code that blocks access
from all outside terminals.
The only way to delete
the file is from his computer.
- Well, let's go
to his computer.
- He's got a new alarm
system underneath his carpet.
- Damn that paranoid
security-minded old bitty.
Damn him to hell!
♪ Christmastime is here
♪ A time for joy and cheer
- After I sawed the
head off, I skin it.
That is my favorite part.
- I really need to go
away from you now.
- Okay, we're in.
- I just wanna go
on record as saying
I'm very against this.
- Ya know, you have
been a real killjoy
ever since that wrong
turn at the elevator shaft.
- I almost dropped
47 stories to my death.
- Stop exaggerating.
I had you firmly by one ankle.
Don't touch that floor!
- Don't drop me and I won't!
Okay, alright start typing.
- This is ridiculous.
I'm the one honest
person in this whole agency
and I'm the one
dangling here like an idiot
covering up for everyone
else's stupid, slimy lies.
- Hey, you made this
decision of your own free will.
- Yeah after you
whined and whined about
how you didn't wanna
lose your stupid job.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- No, let's just forget it Rico.
Let's just forget
the whole thing.
I may lose my job but
at least your precious
integrity will be intact.
May I add, Tom Cruise was
much sexier in his harness.
- I crawled through a
mild duct on my keys
only to let you dangle
me by a cord above
my boss's desk.
I think I'm entitled to
a little bit of attitude.
Now let me back down!
- Not without an apology.
- Alright look,
I don't want to fight.
I just wanna do this
and get outta here.
- Well I don't
wanna fight either.
- Alright then, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
I hate it when we fight.
- Me too.
By the way, that's nice
cologne you've got on.
I'll see ya later.
- Alright.
- Even after it's skinned,
the work's not over
'cause there's still like
these little bloody chunks
of flesh and cartilage
that haven't quite
been stripped...
- Please Stacey.
- You're making me sick.
For God sakes, I hunt quail!
- This cookie is good.
Hey, what was that?
Now ladies, be careful
until I turn off the alarm.
- It's Kirkland, pull
me up, pull me up!
Pull me up, pull me up!
- Woah, be careful, be careful.
Oh, I just love my alarm.
- Hey, you know
what would be great?
Let's play that really fun
office game, don't look up.
- Stacey, what got
into you this evening?
- Yeah, really
God, you are acting
like a total...
Partymeister, I love that game!
Pat, you first.
Keep your head on the floor.
- Alright, alright, okay.
Like this?
- Yeah!
- This is fun!
- See?
- Can I print out the
report while I'm here?
- No, no, no, no, no.
See, that defeats the
whole purpose of the game.
- Must pull harder.
Must not drop him.
Must stop talking like
William Shatner.
- Okay now
straight out the door.
First one to the elevator wins!
I think I got a lead on you.
- Oh no you don't!
- Hi honey.
- Hey, how you doin'?
- Just fine, just great.
There's just one little thing.
What are you doing?
- Les found out about
Ned's fake marriage to Stacey
and if we don't
retrieve this audit report,
he's gonna tell Kirkland
and he's gonna get Ned fired.
- Oh, so he talked
you into this?
I knew it!
Ned, I'm so sick
of you dragging him
into your selfish
little schemes!
He's not your puppet!
- Well umm,
actually he is.
See? Look at that, right there.
That stuff right there.
- I win!
I win, I wi...
- The hanging from
the ceiling game!
I have winners.
- Moyer, what's
going on around here?
- What do you mean?
- You're hanging
from my ceiling!
- No I'm not.
- Oh yes you are!
- Eric, stop it.
Just tell him what's going on.
- Okay, it's all over pal.
Come on down.
Ned.
- Woah, hey!
Is this where the party is?
Hey woah, I haven't read
the employee manual Pat,
but that looks like
sexual harassment to me.
- Now Ned, stop.
I want a full
explanation of this!
- Alright look,
it's not Eric's fault.
We were trying to
retrieve the audit report to
protect a certain
person in the company.
- Who, who is it?
- Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way.
Oh what fun...
Hey.
- Well, who is it?
- Washington.
Whit.
Here ya go, Mo...
Moyer.
- Oh, thank you.
- Say, by the way, I was
doing some more reading
about sharks and guess what.
I was right.
- I don't think so.
- Oh yeah, I suppose
you know more than the
Galapagos Island 30-year study.
- Well, I'm not saying I do
and I'm not saying I don't.
- Oh, you are an annoying S-O-B.
- Oh, so says the mail boy.
- Linchman!
Baldikoski!
- Oh, fire fire!
What's that smell?
Hi, I'm Thomas Haden Church.
Setting dog doo on
fire may seem funny
but I assure you it's
no laughing matter.
Last year alone, there
were over 35,000 dog doo
related accidents.
Woah, goodnight.
such a good year!
Getting a divorce,
working my way outta debt.
Finally feeling really,
ya know, independent.
Plus I'm so excited about
that trip mommy and daddy
bought me for Hanukkah.
- They got you a trip?
I got an ab roller.
- Merry Christmas.
I hope you kids have
been good this year
'cause Uncle Ned's
got warm muffins for ya.
Ho ho ho ho ho, woah ho,
hey, woah ho hey woah.
- What?
- Are these the baskets
that my boss ordered?
- Yeah.
- Well, let's load
'em up, cheapo.
Come on.
And it don't hurt to throw
in a couple of nudie dolls.
Why Stacey...
Why Ned...
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal, to
get the promotion,
I needed a wife.
To get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common,
we irritate each other.
Right, enjoy the show.
- Mr. Moyer, he's
been waiting for you.
- Yeah, I...
Sorry.
I know I'm a little late, sorry.
It's probably about
this audit report.
I got here just as
quick as I could.
Is he mad?
- All I know is
that he's waiting.
- This is your little
baby Jesus, thank you.
- Well, the alarm works Pat!
Scared the crap
outta you, didn't we?
- You okay, Moyer?
- Yeah, just a few hot,
scalding coffee burns
on my groin, but...
- Well, sorry about that son,
but we've had some
information leaks around here
and I've had to
beef up security.
Got my rug wired with weight
sensors this very morning.
- Gee, I'm just so happy
to be the unwitting dupe, sir.
Is that why you
called me up here?
- Oh no, of course not.
I was expecting that
year end audit report
from you days ago.
Where is it?
- Well sir, I ran
into a few glitches,
so it's not quite ready yet.
- Oh for God's sake
Moynihan, the man is leaving
on a well-deserved
vacation right after the
Christmas party tonight.
When do you expect
him to look at it?
- Well, I...
- Are you trying to ruin
the man's vacation, huh?
What are ya, some
kind of vacation ruiner?
- I'm late for lunch.
Look, just email that
audit report to me
by the end of the day.
Today, got it?
- I got that sir, yes sir.
Les, could I have a word
with you for a second?
- Look, look, Moyner,
I'm sorry I laid
into ya back there.
It's just my need
to belittle others
in front of their superiors.
Merry Christmas.
- It's Moyer.
It's Moyer actually
and I wanted to ask you
about this audit.
- Catch me later.
I've got a massage.
- It's about your
expense account.
- What about it?
- Well, the truth is,
it's a little outta whack.
For instance, last
October, you put in for
a lot of lunches.
- Well, I had a lot of
lunches that month, so?
- Well, actually,
it was 94 lunches.
That averages out to
3.13 lunches per day.
- I binge and purge.
- Okay, well,
I dug a little further
and I found a lot more
questionable stuff.
There's dinners,
European vacations,
there's fur coats, jet
skis, Rogaine treatments.
There's breast enlargements,
breast reductions.
- Woah, woah, woah.
Wait a minute.
What is this?
Like I'm the only executive who
takes a few liberties
with his expense account?
- Well, no sir.
It's just not quite like this.
- How much could a
few perks add up to?
- Well actually, it's
just under $208,000.
- My God!
Moyle.
Ya know, you're my favorite
accountant here, don't ya?
There must be
something I can do for ya
to just make this go away.
Ya like girls in Catholic
school uniforms?
- I mean, not enough to lie
about an audit report, Les.
- Then why did you
even tell me about this?
You just wanna watch me squirm?
- I just thought I'd give
you a chance to explain,
that's all.
- I don't have an explanation.
- Well, you leave me no choice.
I've gotta submit
my report to Kirkland.
- Oh really?
Well let me tell you something.
I may walk on land,
but I am a shark.
You cross me and I
will swallow you whole
and let you die very
slowly in my intestines.
Merry Christmas.
- That's not even
medically possible.
Your stomach acids
would kill me long before
I could die in your
tummy, so Merry Christmas
to you too, buddy!
Ned.
- Huh?
- I've got an airport
shuttle coming any second.
Call me when they buzz, okay?
- Okay.
Pull my tie.
- What?
- Come on, pull my tie.
- Is this the same as
when I pull your finger?
- Maybe.
Come on, pull my tie.
♪ Christmas time is here
♪ A time for joy and cheer
♪ Reindeers hooves are racing
♪ Santa's elves are dancing
- If you wanna hear
Hanukkah music,
give me a wedgie.
- As tempting as that is
Ned, I've gotta finish packing.
- Hey Les, Merry Christmas.
What brings you over?
- Oh you know what
brings me over, Dorsey.
Your little friend
in accounting.
- Oh yeah, Eric told
me the whole story.
- 12 years, eight audits.
Nobody finds nothin'
and he gets assigned
to do one and he's
like the terminator.
Except instead
of killing people,
he's adding up
numbers correctly.
- So, what do you
want from me, Les?
- Talk to him Dorsey.
Everyone knows you
have him on a short leash.
Make him squelch that report!
- First of all, I don't
have him on a leash.
His wife does.
Secondly, I'm not
getting involved Les.
- Ned, Ned.
Look, I'm 47 and
I am in a business
where 30 is old.
I haven't had a
good idea in years.
I stole that one.
I'm hangin' by my fingernails
and Kirkland finds out
about that report,
my career is over.
My life is over!
♪ Christmastime is here
♪ A time for joy and cheer
♪ Reindeers hooves are racing
♪ Santa's elves are dancing
- Huh, huh?
And I'm about to floor ya.
I got this for 12.95.
- Hey, you're really
enjoying watching me
twist in the wind, aren't ya?
- No Les, I am
not enjoying this,
but the truth of the matter is,
you dug this hole for
yourself, my friend.
- Don't get high
and mighty on me.
Maybe there are a few
things you don't want
Kirkland to know either.
- Hey, it's a prescription
device and I need it for support.
- I'm not talking about
whatever the hell
you're talking about.
I'm talking about her!
- What about her?
- Well, how would you
like it if I told Kirkland
about your cute
little fake marriage?
- Fake marriage?
Huh, that's just crazy talk Les.
Right Stacey?
That's just crazy talk.
- Umm, yeah, crazy talk.
- Please, spare me, both of you.
She told my wife all about
your little arrangement
at Kirkland's pool
party last year.
- I did not!
Oh wait, I did.
Oh look look, we played tennis
and we had a few mimosa's
and then she was telling me
about Les's problems
in bed, so I felt like
I had to share something!
- Look Dorsey,
I have no beef with you.
But my back is
against the wall here.
Now you straighten this out
or you are going down with me.
And you tell that
know-it-all Moyer
that there have been
cases documented
where an animal has
passed through the stomach
of a shark alive and
intact only to suffocate
in the intestines.
- Gosh man, I
can't believe this.
Okay, cannot panic here.
Gotta think, gotta think.
- Umm, that's my shuttle.
So, have a really
good time at the party
and don't eat too much
and I'm really sorry
I revealed the fake
marriage and all.
See you in a week.
- Don't move.
- But I...
- No, no moving.
You got me into this and
now you're gonna help
get me out of it.
- But my vaca...
- No, no speaking either!
No moving or speaking!
- But, I!
- Speak, no!
- Move, no!
Now I want you to meet
me at the Christmas party
in one hour and I'm
gonna go find Rico.
- Can I move?
- No.
- Okay honey, I just
finished loading the car
with all the baskets and
these are the last two.
Thank you for your
help, by the way.
- I'm sorry honey.
- Oh hey now.
What's goin' on?
Are you still thinkin'
about that thing with Les?
- Me? No.
Well, yeah, a little.
- Oh hey now, listen,
honey, I'm really proud of you.
- Yeah?
- You did the right thing.
- You think so?
- Oh yeah!
I mean, he's just
lucky I wasn't there
when he was mean to you.
'Cause I would've slit him
open and hollowed him out
and I would've paddled
him around like a canoe.
- Ya know, I love it when
you talk like that, come here.
- Rico!
And Amanda.
- Ned, do you usually watch
people from the hedges?
- What is it, Ned?
- I need your help, Rico.
- What's the matter?
- I think I may be a woman
trapped in a man's body.
- Wow, well that
would explain a lot.
Alright, I'm gonna
go wait in the car.
- Ned.
Ned, ya know, those
feelings are normal.
I have them all the time.
- Yeah no!
I'm not a woman in a man's body.
- What, what is it?
- Did you already turn that
audit report in to Kirkland?
- Yeah, I emailed it
about a half an hour ago
right before I left.
- Darn.
- Why?
- Damn it.
Well maybe he hasn't
had a chance to read it yet.
Do you think you
can retrieve it?
- It's possible
but what's wrong?
Why would I wanna do that?
- Look, Les found out
that I married Stacey
to get a promotion and he's
threatening to tell Kirkland
unless we squelch that report.
- Well, that rat fake.
He'll do anything to cover
up his slimy larceny, won't he?
- Don't I know it?
But he's not gonna get
away with it, no sirree.
Soon as we get that
audit report back,
ya know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna take
a bag of dog doo,
set it on fire, put it
on his front porch,
ring the bell and run away.
Then we'll see who's laughing.
- I'm not comfortable
doing that Ned.
- Why not?
Ya see, when he's
stamping out the fire,
the dog doo gets
all over his shoes.
It's a big mess,
it's really funny.
Well, I've done it before.
- I don't mean that.
I mean stealing my audit
report back and then changing it.
I can't do that!
- Why not?
- Well, it's unethical.
When I went to
accounting school, I took a
sacred oath.
- Accountants
don't have an oath.
- I wrote my own.
Then I took it.
- My career is on
the line here, Eric.
I don't wanna start
over at another agency.
I can't sleep with all
those people again.
Come on.
What's it gonna be?
- The answer's no.
Now, can you respect that?
- Yeah, I can.
- Fine, then I'll do it.
- Ned, I apologized 50 times.
I postponed my vacation
and now, I am here.
So what the hell do
you want me to do?
- I'm gonna find Rico and
see if he's retrieved the report,
so I may not even need you.
In the meantime, go over there.
They have free food.
Fill up your purse.
- Shut up!
Oh, little blinis.
- Oh hey Ned.
Hi, have you seen Eric?
He disappeared the
second we got here.
- I do not know where Eric is.
- Merry Christmas everybody!
Merry Christmas.
Oh Amanda, these are gorgeous.
- Oh thanks.
- Listen, let's put
them in my office.
I have to go in there
anyway to print out
your husband's report.
- Okay.
- No, no.
No, Pat.
You can't go into your office.
- Why not?
- Because.
I may be a woman
trapped in a man's body.
- Come on, let's go.
- Don't let Pat go
into his office, go!
- Pat!
- Yes?
- You are going on vacation.
- I do a little
hunting in Vermont.
- Oh wow.
This is so weird.
I am quite a hunter
myself, don't ya know?
- You're a vegetarian.
- Well, I don't eat them.
I just kill 'em.
- What do you hunt with?
- A sword.
- Rico, did you get the report?
- I can't access his
file for some reason.
Woah woah, pay dirt.
- Did you get in?
- No, but I'm in the
lesbian chat room.
- Ya know, they call
that fun bunching.
Come on, we don't
have time for this.
- I'm telling ya, I
can't get in from here.
He's got a new security
code that blocks access
from all outside terminals.
The only way to delete
the file is from his computer.
- Well, let's go
to his computer.
- He's got a new alarm
system underneath his carpet.
- Damn that paranoid
security-minded old bitty.
Damn him to hell!
♪ Christmastime is here
♪ A time for joy and cheer
- After I sawed the
head off, I skin it.
That is my favorite part.
- I really need to go
away from you now.
- Okay, we're in.
- I just wanna go
on record as saying
I'm very against this.
- Ya know, you have
been a real killjoy
ever since that wrong
turn at the elevator shaft.
- I almost dropped
47 stories to my death.
- Stop exaggerating.
I had you firmly by one ankle.
Don't touch that floor!
- Don't drop me and I won't!
Okay, alright start typing.
- This is ridiculous.
I'm the one honest
person in this whole agency
and I'm the one
dangling here like an idiot
covering up for everyone
else's stupid, slimy lies.
- Hey, you made this
decision of your own free will.
- Yeah after you
whined and whined about
how you didn't wanna
lose your stupid job.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- No, let's just forget it Rico.
Let's just forget
the whole thing.
I may lose my job but
at least your precious
integrity will be intact.
May I add, Tom Cruise was
much sexier in his harness.
- I crawled through a
mild duct on my keys
only to let you dangle
me by a cord above
my boss's desk.
I think I'm entitled to
a little bit of attitude.
Now let me back down!
- Not without an apology.
- Alright look,
I don't want to fight.
I just wanna do this
and get outta here.
- Well I don't
wanna fight either.
- Alright then, I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
I hate it when we fight.
- Me too.
By the way, that's nice
cologne you've got on.
I'll see ya later.
- Alright.
- Even after it's skinned,
the work's not over
'cause there's still like
these little bloody chunks
of flesh and cartilage
that haven't quite
been stripped...
- Please Stacey.
- You're making me sick.
For God sakes, I hunt quail!
- This cookie is good.
Hey, what was that?
Now ladies, be careful
until I turn off the alarm.
- It's Kirkland, pull
me up, pull me up!
Pull me up, pull me up!
- Woah, be careful, be careful.
Oh, I just love my alarm.
- Hey, you know
what would be great?
Let's play that really fun
office game, don't look up.
- Stacey, what got
into you this evening?
- Yeah, really
God, you are acting
like a total...
Partymeister, I love that game!
Pat, you first.
Keep your head on the floor.
- Alright, alright, okay.
Like this?
- Yeah!
- This is fun!
- See?
- Can I print out the
report while I'm here?
- No, no, no, no, no.
See, that defeats the
whole purpose of the game.
- Must pull harder.
Must not drop him.
Must stop talking like
William Shatner.
- Okay now
straight out the door.
First one to the elevator wins!
I think I got a lead on you.
- Oh no you don't!
- Hi honey.
- Hey, how you doin'?
- Just fine, just great.
There's just one little thing.
What are you doing?
- Les found out about
Ned's fake marriage to Stacey
and if we don't
retrieve this audit report,
he's gonna tell Kirkland
and he's gonna get Ned fired.
- Oh, so he talked
you into this?
I knew it!
Ned, I'm so sick
of you dragging him
into your selfish
little schemes!
He's not your puppet!
- Well umm,
actually he is.
See? Look at that, right there.
That stuff right there.
- I win!
I win, I wi...
- The hanging from
the ceiling game!
I have winners.
- Moyer, what's
going on around here?
- What do you mean?
- You're hanging
from my ceiling!
- No I'm not.
- Oh yes you are!
- Eric, stop it.
Just tell him what's going on.
- Okay, it's all over pal.
Come on down.
Ned.
- Woah, hey!
Is this where the party is?
Hey woah, I haven't read
the employee manual Pat,
but that looks like
sexual harassment to me.
- Now Ned, stop.
I want a full
explanation of this!
- Alright look,
it's not Eric's fault.
We were trying to
retrieve the audit report to
protect a certain
person in the company.
- Who, who is it?
- Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way.
Oh what fun...
Hey.
- Well, who is it?
- Washington.
Whit.
Here ya go, Mo...
Moyer.
- Oh, thank you.
- Say, by the way, I was
doing some more reading
about sharks and guess what.
I was right.
- I don't think so.
- Oh yeah, I suppose
you know more than the
Galapagos Island 30-year study.
- Well, I'm not saying I do
and I'm not saying I don't.
- Oh, you are an annoying S-O-B.
- Oh, so says the mail boy.
- Linchman!
Baldikoski!
- Oh, fire fire!
What's that smell?
Hi, I'm Thomas Haden Church.
Setting dog doo on
fire may seem funny
but I assure you it's
no laughing matter.
Last year alone, there
were over 35,000 dog doo
related accidents.
Woah, goodnight.