Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 4 - Computer Dating - full transcript
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
- It was business.
- Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
To get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell.
We upped and got married.
The only thing we
have in common,
we irritate each other.
Right.
Enjoy the show.
Lightning flash
illuminates the post-nuclear
wasted rubble-scape.
Suddenly, from the sewer,
a horde of chicken-beaked
lizard men emerge and
then slowly converge
on our hero.
And then, we hear Omegatron
voice-activated computer.
Don't you wish you had
one for times like these?
- Wow, far out.
That's so cool.
And we'll really
be able to do this?
I mean, we'll actually be
able to fill Carnegie Hall
with rats and pythons?
- I know the night watchman.
- This is such a cool idea.
You guys think it's cool?
- Well, it's your
company, Mister Gardner.
- Right, they like it too.
So, let's shoot it.
Let's do it. Let's
make this commercial.
I am so excited.
- Look at you, Bob.
You know, you are
just one big wacky kid.
Big old wacky kid
with billions of dollars.
- Um, sir, just a reminder
we have that meeting
with the Chinese
trade minister at 4 PM.
- Yeah, China.
Okay.
You guys go ahead without me.
I'll catch up with you later.
I want to talk to Ned some
more about his commercial.
- Fine, we'll meet
you out front.
- Wait, tell that
helicopter guy to meet us
on the roof.
- Whatever you want, sir.
- I call shotgun.
- Huzzah?
Mister Dorsey,
your wife is here.
- Look, we're divorcing
so, from now on,
I'd prefer you call her
Captain Stinky Bones.
Dah, Captain.
- Very funny, Ned.
Okay, you're going
to have to initial these
lists of assets for our
divorce proceedings.
Your assets.
My assets.
Oh, hello.
- Hi.
I'm Bob.
- Stacey, this Bob Gardner.
- Bob Gardner, the computer guy?
Oh, my gosh, hi.
- Hi.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
Look, I've got one
of your laptops.
- Wow, cool.
- Oh, well, actually,
it's not one of yours.
It's actually a knockoff
but the guy at the store said
it's exactly the same
as yours, just cheaper.
Wow, it's just knockoffs
are always bad.
For you, I mean.
- Stacey, any of the
voices in your head
telling you to leave now?
Hmm? Any of them?
- It is very nice
meeting you, Bob.
- Oh, nice to meet you too.
- Buh-bye.
- So, Ned, you guys
really getting divorced?
- You betcha.
- She's really nice and pretty.
If you're splitting
up, you think that...
Maybe I could...
- Good God, Bob.
Are you kidding me?
You're a billionaire who can
have any woman in the world
and you've got to
hover like a vulture over
some poor ad executive's wife?
- No, I didn't mean to make...
- Dah, I was just
funning with you, Bob.
Of course, you can
go out with Stacey.
- Really?
Great, thanks.
Could you put in a
good word for me?
- I agreed that you
could date my wife.
Fine.
But now you want
me to pimp for you?
- No!
- Dah, I was just funning
with you again, Bob.
Sure, I'll set you up.
- Great, thanks.
- Now, get out
of my office, Bob.
I was kidding.
You can stay.
No, go.
Hang on.
Funning again.
Get out!
So, what do you think?
It's important to
me that you like it
as my partner.
If you don't like
it, it's out of here.
- I don't like it.
- God, you sure
called that bluff.
- Why the hell do
we need this, Ned?
- Because this computer's
going to carry us
into the 21st century.
Besides, a big client
gave it to me for free.
Okay, so, watch this.
Hello, Ned Dorsey.
How may I serve you?
- Ew.
- Omegatron, please
open the cash register.
- Oho, that's a time-saver.
- Omegatron, please
turn off the lights.
Lights on.
- Hey, somebody goosed
me when the lights were out.
- Don't look at me, Gramps.
I'm way over here.
Omegatron, doors unlock.
Lights off.
Radio on.
Lights on.
Jack-in-the-box,
cease to entertain.
- Oh, hi, Ned.
Amanda, I think there's
a, you know, maybe,
a demon from hell or
something in the back.
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Ned was just trying
out his shiny new toy.
- Oh, well, that was
my second theory.
- Come on, Rico, give it a shot.
- No, I really don't.
- Come on.
- No.
- Put your hand on the scanner.
Don't be a baby.
- You're the baby.
Hello, may I
have your name, please?
- Eric Moyer.
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you?
- Oh, wow...
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you?
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you?
Hello, Eric...
- Hey, hey, hey.
Don't bug out the computer.
Stacey.
Looks like someone's
been boxercising again, huh?
Come on, give me a hug.
Give me a hug.
Come here, you little cutie.
Give me a hug.
All moist and gamey but
a good hug nonetheless.
- Stop smiling at me.
It's creepy.
- You know, Bob Gardner
took quite a shine to you today.
- He did?
- He did.
And this from a
man who can afford
thousand-dollar-a-night hookers.
- Gee, thanks.
- So, seriously.
Thought you were pretty.
Thought you were smart.
What'd you think of him?
- Actually, he seemed
like a pretty nice guy.
- See how he was
poured in those dockers?
Yum.
- Um, Ned, what
are you getting at?
- Oh, call me a yenta.
I thought maybe get
you two kids together.
- Oh.
Um, yeah, I guess I'd
consider going out with him.
- Okay, good.
He'll pick you up
tomorrow night in front
of our building.
Don't wear whites,
you're eating Italian.
Gonna have some wine.
Who knows?
I've got to tell you.
This Bob Gardner
is a dream come true.
Yeah, I think he's
going to sign off
on the hottest ad
campaigns of my career.
With any luck, he's going
to fall in love with Stacey
and haul her buttocks out
of my apartment forever.
- Hey, if Stacey married
this guy and they both
get killed, would I
inherit his money?
- You know, your love
for your sister is touching.
No, no, his next of kin
would get his money.
- Well, no, see, all of
his kin get killed too.
His parents and any
brothers and sisters
he may have get killed.
And you get killed.
- Me, I'm not in the
line of inheritance.
- I know.
- Honey, I'm going
to go back and work
on the Omegatron.
You know, do a
little bookkeeping.
- Didn't you do that already?
- No, why?
What did you hear?
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you.
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you?
Identification verified.
Please remove your hand.
- I'm sorry, sorry.
Don't want any lawsuits here.
What function would you
like me to perform, Eric?
- I thought maybe we
could just, I don't know,
talk for a little while.
Certainly, Eric.
- So, uh...
Where you from?
I was assembled
in Malaysia, Eric.
- Well, you've lost your accent.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Just doing the
bookkeeping like I said.
- Oh, the monitor out there
said it was all done already.
- I can't help with the monitor.
I'm just trying to do the books.
Am I on trial here?
- Hey, you two kids.
Get on in here.
- Hi, Ned.
Look, it's Ned.
- Swell.
- Come on, come on.
Have a seat here.
Barkeep, a couple
of our dang Muffins
for these two pardners.
So, how was the date?
What did you say?
What did he say back?
What did you say back?
- We had a very nice night, Ned.
- Stacey is like the
smartest person.
- In the whole
wide world, I'd say.
- She's telling me about
all these cool articles
that she wrote for Skyward.
You know, the airline magazine.
Did you read the one about
the Pennsylvania getaway?
- Oh, read it?
I read-ed it.
- And the interview with,
uh, what's his name?
- Andy Rooney.
- Andy Rooney.
60 Questions with Andy Rooney.
- I'll tell you, damn it.
60 just wasn't enough.
- She's just the
smartest person.
- Bob, stop.
You're smart too.
I mean, you invented
the Omegatron.
It's incredible.
What are you going
to come up with next?
A computer that a
kitten can purr at and
it gets its food?
- Wow.
What an image.
Don't you love that image, Ned?
- Yes, I do.
- Don't you think that would
make a better commercial
than the one you pitched?
- No, I don't.
- I think it would.
- I think it wouldn't.
- Yes, yes.
- No, no.
- Um, Bob, I was not
suggesting an idea
for a commercial.
- Wasn't suggesting.
- I know, but it's
such a cool idea.
I mean, people are
afraid of computers
but everyone loves kittens.
- That they do.
Ah, I guess it was a pretty
good suggestion, wasn't it?
- And yet, wasn't suggesting.
- So, it's settled.
We'll do the kitten idea instead
of the one you
pitched, okay, Ned?
- No.
- Yeah, this is great.
Let's go celebrate.
Um, what do you
picture as the cat?
- Hey, let's get a tabby.
They're the cutest.
- Tabbies, yeah.
Everyone loves tabbies.
- Wait, wait.
Everyone loves
chicken-beaked lizard men.
Great idea, Ned.
Set Stacey up with
your biggest client.
As soon as I put all these
radishes in an omelet,
it'll give her gas
for a millennium.
- Thanks, Bob.
I had a really great time.
- I did too, Stacey.
Thank you.
- See you later.
Hey, Ned.
- Don't "Hi, Ned." Me.
Do you have any
idea what time it is?
- Oh my God, it is late.
We had such a good
time in Atlantic City.
I met Merv Griffin and had
some hotdogs on the boardwalk.
And I won 17 dollars
playing blackjack.
Bob lost $160,000 but we
had fun, that's the main thing.
- You guys happened to catch
a showing of Cats or, maybe,
get served a drink by
Ms. Kitty from Gunsmoke?
- Ned, look, I'm sorry
but Bob just glommed
onto my kitten idea.
What could I do?
Well, you could unglom Bob.
You know, that's
what you can do.
- What do you mean?
- Here's a plan.
Just tell Bob that your
idea was maybe stupid
and just tell him to come on
back over to Planet Ned's idea.
- Wait, you want me
just to tell him it's stupid
or are you saying that
you think it really is stupid.
- I'm not sure.
Why don't you just
do it and we'll work out
the details later, okay?
- No, no, no, no.
I wanna know.
Do you think my idea is stupid?
- Look, I think it's a
perfectly nice little idea
for somebody who
doesn't really know anything
about advertising.
It's a good joob, good job.
- Really?
Well, I happen to
think my kitten idea
would make a damn
good commercial.
- Look, Stacey.
The kitten idea, it's
sentimental and obvious and,
I'm sorry, stupid.
The only reason
Bob liked it is because
he wanted to feel
you up in the backseat
of his helicopter.
- That is so insulting.
- Look, just tell him
to come back over
to my idea.
- No.
- Just do it.
- No, I won't.
Maybe I would if you
would've if you'd shown me
a little respect.
But now, forget it.
And let me tell you something.
You are damn lucky
that I came up with
that kitten idea
because it's going to
make you look good.
- Okay, come on.
Let's start over.
Hey, you in the mood
for a radish omelet.
Alright, here's the shoot.
Cat goes up to the
computer, purrs for its food,
food comes out, blah-blah-blah.
Let's get moving here.
Does Local 418 find
something particularly funny?
- Well, it's just that last
week, we worked with you
on that beer ad.
You know, with them
broads in the bikinis?
Now, with this
kitten stuff, you know,
we just hate to see
you turning fruity.
- Listen, pal, if
you weren't part
of the Gambino crime family,
I'd fire you ass right now.
Alright, let's get this
cat thing on the set.
Roll film.
- Meow, meow, I want my dinner.
Take one.
- Action.
Cut.
Oh, I think that's as good
as it's going to get, Bob.
You know kittens
are hard to work with.
- I don't know, Ned.
It wasn't very good.
- Great idea, Bob.
Let's go ahead and do my spot.
Bring in the
chicken-beaked lizard men.
Good-thinking, Bob, good one.
- No-no, I want to do this.
But I want to do it the
way that Stacey said.
Stacey, tell him
how you picture it.
- Well, Ned, I think
that at first the kitten
should seem a little
more nonchalant.
Tra-la-la...
And then, when she
sees her empty food dish,
chagrined and anxious.
And then, when she gets
her food from the Omergatron,
she purrs.
And then, she
flashes a little grin.
Okay? Got it?
- It's a cat.
Its brain is the
size of a Mild Dud.
- Ned, I want to do
this so let's do it, okay?
- Fine.
Cut.
- That was really very nice.
- Yeah, we apologize
Mister Dorsey.
That's going to make a
damn good commercial.
- Shut up.
- Oh, Ned, congratulations.
It's a wonderful commercial.
I hope you win.
- Look, I asked you to
leave me alone earlier
when I was sobbing
in the ladies room.
- But thank you anyway.
He appreciates it.
Yet another congratulations.
Hm.
- 51 losers in formal
wear congratulating me
does not a good
commercial make, missy.
- Ned, what are
you talking about?
It's like an incredible
commercial.
Our sales jumped 30 percent.
- Sales, yeah.
If you want to go by that.
- And the nominees are Ray Nevin
for Mister Pickle Goes to Town,
Family Goodness food spot.
Ned Dorsey for Meow-Meow,
I Want My Dinner,
Omegatron spot.
Judy Franklin for
People Helping People...
- Please, Lord, don't
let me win this award.
I know I don't ask
you for much but
if you give me
this, then I'll ask you
for a whole bunch
more stuff because...
- And the winner is...
Ray Nevin for Mister
Pickle Goes to Town.
- Yeah, Ray!
Whoo!
Way to go, buddy!
Good work, man!
The key was no
kittens, no kittens, Ray.
- Thank you.
Like my creative staff, uh.
All the execs over at BB&D.
And, um...
Wait.
I can't do this.
This award belongs
to somebody else.
Ned Dorsey's kitten
spot was inspiring.
Ned, would you come
up here and take this baby
off my hands.
Come on, Ned.
- Thank you.
I gotta tell you.
I think that this award
should go right back
to Ray Nevin.
- No.
- Judy, your spot
ripped me off from a spot
I did last year but get up here.
Ambition counts for something.
Bill, I knew you a
couple of years ago.
You look like a good
athlete, come on.
- Oh, Meg, I don't know.
Someday, I just want my
own little accounting firm.
Nothing fancy.
Just a little storefront.
You know, Moyer's.
You'll be there
right by my side.
You bet you will.
You're awful quiet tonight.
Are you blue?
Is everything okay?
All my circuits
are functioning normally, Eric.
- Of course they are.
You are a rock.
You're my rock.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Oh, just doing some bookkeeping
on the old computer here.
- Again?
God, why don't you
just take that thing
to bed with you?
- Why?
Why would you say
something like that, Amanda?
- Because I'm making a joke.
- Oh.
I'm a monster.
I'm so sorry.
- For what?
- For doing this
damn bookkeeping.
Amanda.
I love you.
And I swear I will never
do the bookkeeping again.
- So, who is going to
do the bookkeeping?
- Well, you could
do it and I'll watch.
- Aha.
I had a feeling
I'd find you here.
- So, how was the party?
- It was fun.
Actually, everyone
was talking about you.
Trying to decide
the precise nature
of your emotional problems.
- Psh.
What'd they decide?
- Nothing much.
The waiters came
around with little pizzas
and everyone just lost interest.
- Look, Stacey, I probably
owe you an apology.
The kitten idea was a good idea.
If you happen to like that
sort of thing which, apparently,
the entire planet earth does.
- Yeah, well, I guess I
owe you an apology too.
I'm sorry for making
everyone admire you
and love you and cheer for you.
- Gosh, darn it.
I accept your apology.
- Come on, let's go.
- You know, I probably
behaved immaturely, Stacey,
but what if I invaded your
career, took a small part
of it away from you?
- Probably wouldn't like it.
But, then again, all 42
articles you submitted
to my airline magazine
were rejected, so...
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Even Five Ways
to a Moister Brownie?
- Whoa.
Good night.
- Why Ned?
- It was business.
- Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
To get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell.
We upped and got married.
The only thing we
have in common,
we irritate each other.
Right.
Enjoy the show.
Lightning flash
illuminates the post-nuclear
wasted rubble-scape.
Suddenly, from the sewer,
a horde of chicken-beaked
lizard men emerge and
then slowly converge
on our hero.
And then, we hear Omegatron
voice-activated computer.
Don't you wish you had
one for times like these?
- Wow, far out.
That's so cool.
And we'll really
be able to do this?
I mean, we'll actually be
able to fill Carnegie Hall
with rats and pythons?
- I know the night watchman.
- This is such a cool idea.
You guys think it's cool?
- Well, it's your
company, Mister Gardner.
- Right, they like it too.
So, let's shoot it.
Let's do it. Let's
make this commercial.
I am so excited.
- Look at you, Bob.
You know, you are
just one big wacky kid.
Big old wacky kid
with billions of dollars.
- Um, sir, just a reminder
we have that meeting
with the Chinese
trade minister at 4 PM.
- Yeah, China.
Okay.
You guys go ahead without me.
I'll catch up with you later.
I want to talk to Ned some
more about his commercial.
- Fine, we'll meet
you out front.
- Wait, tell that
helicopter guy to meet us
on the roof.
- Whatever you want, sir.
- I call shotgun.
- Huzzah?
Mister Dorsey,
your wife is here.
- Look, we're divorcing
so, from now on,
I'd prefer you call her
Captain Stinky Bones.
Dah, Captain.
- Very funny, Ned.
Okay, you're going
to have to initial these
lists of assets for our
divorce proceedings.
Your assets.
My assets.
Oh, hello.
- Hi.
I'm Bob.
- Stacey, this Bob Gardner.
- Bob Gardner, the computer guy?
Oh, my gosh, hi.
- Hi.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
Look, I've got one
of your laptops.
- Wow, cool.
- Oh, well, actually,
it's not one of yours.
It's actually a knockoff
but the guy at the store said
it's exactly the same
as yours, just cheaper.
Wow, it's just knockoffs
are always bad.
For you, I mean.
- Stacey, any of the
voices in your head
telling you to leave now?
Hmm? Any of them?
- It is very nice
meeting you, Bob.
- Oh, nice to meet you too.
- Buh-bye.
- So, Ned, you guys
really getting divorced?
- You betcha.
- She's really nice and pretty.
If you're splitting
up, you think that...
Maybe I could...
- Good God, Bob.
Are you kidding me?
You're a billionaire who can
have any woman in the world
and you've got to
hover like a vulture over
some poor ad executive's wife?
- No, I didn't mean to make...
- Dah, I was just
funning with you, Bob.
Of course, you can
go out with Stacey.
- Really?
Great, thanks.
Could you put in a
good word for me?
- I agreed that you
could date my wife.
Fine.
But now you want
me to pimp for you?
- No!
- Dah, I was just funning
with you again, Bob.
Sure, I'll set you up.
- Great, thanks.
- Now, get out
of my office, Bob.
I was kidding.
You can stay.
No, go.
Hang on.
Funning again.
Get out!
So, what do you think?
It's important to
me that you like it
as my partner.
If you don't like
it, it's out of here.
- I don't like it.
- God, you sure
called that bluff.
- Why the hell do
we need this, Ned?
- Because this computer's
going to carry us
into the 21st century.
Besides, a big client
gave it to me for free.
Okay, so, watch this.
Hello, Ned Dorsey.
How may I serve you?
- Ew.
- Omegatron, please
open the cash register.
- Oho, that's a time-saver.
- Omegatron, please
turn off the lights.
Lights on.
- Hey, somebody goosed
me when the lights were out.
- Don't look at me, Gramps.
I'm way over here.
Omegatron, doors unlock.
Lights off.
Radio on.
Lights on.
Jack-in-the-box,
cease to entertain.
- Oh, hi, Ned.
Amanda, I think there's
a, you know, maybe,
a demon from hell or
something in the back.
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Ned was just trying
out his shiny new toy.
- Oh, well, that was
my second theory.
- Come on, Rico, give it a shot.
- No, I really don't.
- Come on.
- No.
- Put your hand on the scanner.
Don't be a baby.
- You're the baby.
Hello, may I
have your name, please?
- Eric Moyer.
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you?
- Oh, wow...
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you?
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you?
Hello, Eric...
- Hey, hey, hey.
Don't bug out the computer.
Stacey.
Looks like someone's
been boxercising again, huh?
Come on, give me a hug.
Give me a hug.
Come here, you little cutie.
Give me a hug.
All moist and gamey but
a good hug nonetheless.
- Stop smiling at me.
It's creepy.
- You know, Bob Gardner
took quite a shine to you today.
- He did?
- He did.
And this from a
man who can afford
thousand-dollar-a-night hookers.
- Gee, thanks.
- So, seriously.
Thought you were pretty.
Thought you were smart.
What'd you think of him?
- Actually, he seemed
like a pretty nice guy.
- See how he was
poured in those dockers?
Yum.
- Um, Ned, what
are you getting at?
- Oh, call me a yenta.
I thought maybe get
you two kids together.
- Oh.
Um, yeah, I guess I'd
consider going out with him.
- Okay, good.
He'll pick you up
tomorrow night in front
of our building.
Don't wear whites,
you're eating Italian.
Gonna have some wine.
Who knows?
I've got to tell you.
This Bob Gardner
is a dream come true.
Yeah, I think he's
going to sign off
on the hottest ad
campaigns of my career.
With any luck, he's going
to fall in love with Stacey
and haul her buttocks out
of my apartment forever.
- Hey, if Stacey married
this guy and they both
get killed, would I
inherit his money?
- You know, your love
for your sister is touching.
No, no, his next of kin
would get his money.
- Well, no, see, all of
his kin get killed too.
His parents and any
brothers and sisters
he may have get killed.
And you get killed.
- Me, I'm not in the
line of inheritance.
- I know.
- Honey, I'm going
to go back and work
on the Omegatron.
You know, do a
little bookkeeping.
- Didn't you do that already?
- No, why?
What did you hear?
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you.
Hello, Eric.
How may I serve you?
Identification verified.
Please remove your hand.
- I'm sorry, sorry.
Don't want any lawsuits here.
What function would you
like me to perform, Eric?
- I thought maybe we
could just, I don't know,
talk for a little while.
Certainly, Eric.
- So, uh...
Where you from?
I was assembled
in Malaysia, Eric.
- Well, you've lost your accent.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Just doing the
bookkeeping like I said.
- Oh, the monitor out there
said it was all done already.
- I can't help with the monitor.
I'm just trying to do the books.
Am I on trial here?
- Hey, you two kids.
Get on in here.
- Hi, Ned.
Look, it's Ned.
- Swell.
- Come on, come on.
Have a seat here.
Barkeep, a couple
of our dang Muffins
for these two pardners.
So, how was the date?
What did you say?
What did he say back?
What did you say back?
- We had a very nice night, Ned.
- Stacey is like the
smartest person.
- In the whole
wide world, I'd say.
- She's telling me about
all these cool articles
that she wrote for Skyward.
You know, the airline magazine.
Did you read the one about
the Pennsylvania getaway?
- Oh, read it?
I read-ed it.
- And the interview with,
uh, what's his name?
- Andy Rooney.
- Andy Rooney.
60 Questions with Andy Rooney.
- I'll tell you, damn it.
60 just wasn't enough.
- She's just the
smartest person.
- Bob, stop.
You're smart too.
I mean, you invented
the Omegatron.
It's incredible.
What are you going
to come up with next?
A computer that a
kitten can purr at and
it gets its food?
- Wow.
What an image.
Don't you love that image, Ned?
- Yes, I do.
- Don't you think that would
make a better commercial
than the one you pitched?
- No, I don't.
- I think it would.
- I think it wouldn't.
- Yes, yes.
- No, no.
- Um, Bob, I was not
suggesting an idea
for a commercial.
- Wasn't suggesting.
- I know, but it's
such a cool idea.
I mean, people are
afraid of computers
but everyone loves kittens.
- That they do.
Ah, I guess it was a pretty
good suggestion, wasn't it?
- And yet, wasn't suggesting.
- So, it's settled.
We'll do the kitten idea instead
of the one you
pitched, okay, Ned?
- No.
- Yeah, this is great.
Let's go celebrate.
Um, what do you
picture as the cat?
- Hey, let's get a tabby.
They're the cutest.
- Tabbies, yeah.
Everyone loves tabbies.
- Wait, wait.
Everyone loves
chicken-beaked lizard men.
Great idea, Ned.
Set Stacey up with
your biggest client.
As soon as I put all these
radishes in an omelet,
it'll give her gas
for a millennium.
- Thanks, Bob.
I had a really great time.
- I did too, Stacey.
Thank you.
- See you later.
Hey, Ned.
- Don't "Hi, Ned." Me.
Do you have any
idea what time it is?
- Oh my God, it is late.
We had such a good
time in Atlantic City.
I met Merv Griffin and had
some hotdogs on the boardwalk.
And I won 17 dollars
playing blackjack.
Bob lost $160,000 but we
had fun, that's the main thing.
- You guys happened to catch
a showing of Cats or, maybe,
get served a drink by
Ms. Kitty from Gunsmoke?
- Ned, look, I'm sorry
but Bob just glommed
onto my kitten idea.
What could I do?
Well, you could unglom Bob.
You know, that's
what you can do.
- What do you mean?
- Here's a plan.
Just tell Bob that your
idea was maybe stupid
and just tell him to come on
back over to Planet Ned's idea.
- Wait, you want me
just to tell him it's stupid
or are you saying that
you think it really is stupid.
- I'm not sure.
Why don't you just
do it and we'll work out
the details later, okay?
- No, no, no, no.
I wanna know.
Do you think my idea is stupid?
- Look, I think it's a
perfectly nice little idea
for somebody who
doesn't really know anything
about advertising.
It's a good joob, good job.
- Really?
Well, I happen to
think my kitten idea
would make a damn
good commercial.
- Look, Stacey.
The kitten idea, it's
sentimental and obvious and,
I'm sorry, stupid.
The only reason
Bob liked it is because
he wanted to feel
you up in the backseat
of his helicopter.
- That is so insulting.
- Look, just tell him
to come back over
to my idea.
- No.
- Just do it.
- No, I won't.
Maybe I would if you
would've if you'd shown me
a little respect.
But now, forget it.
And let me tell you something.
You are damn lucky
that I came up with
that kitten idea
because it's going to
make you look good.
- Okay, come on.
Let's start over.
Hey, you in the mood
for a radish omelet.
Alright, here's the shoot.
Cat goes up to the
computer, purrs for its food,
food comes out, blah-blah-blah.
Let's get moving here.
Does Local 418 find
something particularly funny?
- Well, it's just that last
week, we worked with you
on that beer ad.
You know, with them
broads in the bikinis?
Now, with this
kitten stuff, you know,
we just hate to see
you turning fruity.
- Listen, pal, if
you weren't part
of the Gambino crime family,
I'd fire you ass right now.
Alright, let's get this
cat thing on the set.
Roll film.
- Meow, meow, I want my dinner.
Take one.
- Action.
Cut.
Oh, I think that's as good
as it's going to get, Bob.
You know kittens
are hard to work with.
- I don't know, Ned.
It wasn't very good.
- Great idea, Bob.
Let's go ahead and do my spot.
Bring in the
chicken-beaked lizard men.
Good-thinking, Bob, good one.
- No-no, I want to do this.
But I want to do it the
way that Stacey said.
Stacey, tell him
how you picture it.
- Well, Ned, I think
that at first the kitten
should seem a little
more nonchalant.
Tra-la-la...
And then, when she
sees her empty food dish,
chagrined and anxious.
And then, when she gets
her food from the Omergatron,
she purrs.
And then, she
flashes a little grin.
Okay? Got it?
- It's a cat.
Its brain is the
size of a Mild Dud.
- Ned, I want to do
this so let's do it, okay?
- Fine.
Cut.
- That was really very nice.
- Yeah, we apologize
Mister Dorsey.
That's going to make a
damn good commercial.
- Shut up.
- Oh, Ned, congratulations.
It's a wonderful commercial.
I hope you win.
- Look, I asked you to
leave me alone earlier
when I was sobbing
in the ladies room.
- But thank you anyway.
He appreciates it.
Yet another congratulations.
Hm.
- 51 losers in formal
wear congratulating me
does not a good
commercial make, missy.
- Ned, what are
you talking about?
It's like an incredible
commercial.
Our sales jumped 30 percent.
- Sales, yeah.
If you want to go by that.
- And the nominees are Ray Nevin
for Mister Pickle Goes to Town,
Family Goodness food spot.
Ned Dorsey for Meow-Meow,
I Want My Dinner,
Omegatron spot.
Judy Franklin for
People Helping People...
- Please, Lord, don't
let me win this award.
I know I don't ask
you for much but
if you give me
this, then I'll ask you
for a whole bunch
more stuff because...
- And the winner is...
Ray Nevin for Mister
Pickle Goes to Town.
- Yeah, Ray!
Whoo!
Way to go, buddy!
Good work, man!
The key was no
kittens, no kittens, Ray.
- Thank you.
Like my creative staff, uh.
All the execs over at BB&D.
And, um...
Wait.
I can't do this.
This award belongs
to somebody else.
Ned Dorsey's kitten
spot was inspiring.
Ned, would you come
up here and take this baby
off my hands.
Come on, Ned.
- Thank you.
I gotta tell you.
I think that this award
should go right back
to Ray Nevin.
- No.
- Judy, your spot
ripped me off from a spot
I did last year but get up here.
Ambition counts for something.
Bill, I knew you a
couple of years ago.
You look like a good
athlete, come on.
- Oh, Meg, I don't know.
Someday, I just want my
own little accounting firm.
Nothing fancy.
Just a little storefront.
You know, Moyer's.
You'll be there
right by my side.
You bet you will.
You're awful quiet tonight.
Are you blue?
Is everything okay?
All my circuits
are functioning normally, Eric.
- Of course they are.
You are a rock.
You're my rock.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Oh, just doing some bookkeeping
on the old computer here.
- Again?
God, why don't you
just take that thing
to bed with you?
- Why?
Why would you say
something like that, Amanda?
- Because I'm making a joke.
- Oh.
I'm a monster.
I'm so sorry.
- For what?
- For doing this
damn bookkeeping.
Amanda.
I love you.
And I swear I will never
do the bookkeeping again.
- So, who is going to
do the bookkeeping?
- Well, you could
do it and I'll watch.
- Aha.
I had a feeling
I'd find you here.
- So, how was the party?
- It was fun.
Actually, everyone
was talking about you.
Trying to decide
the precise nature
of your emotional problems.
- Psh.
What'd they decide?
- Nothing much.
The waiters came
around with little pizzas
and everyone just lost interest.
- Look, Stacey, I probably
owe you an apology.
The kitten idea was a good idea.
If you happen to like that
sort of thing which, apparently,
the entire planet earth does.
- Yeah, well, I guess I
owe you an apology too.
I'm sorry for making
everyone admire you
and love you and cheer for you.
- Gosh, darn it.
I accept your apology.
- Come on, let's go.
- You know, I probably
behaved immaturely, Stacey,
but what if I invaded your
career, took a small part
of it away from you?
- Probably wouldn't like it.
But, then again, all 42
articles you submitted
to my airline magazine
were rejected, so...
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
- Even Five Ways
to a Moister Brownie?
- Whoa.
Good night.