Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 20 - All That Chazz - full transcript

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

- It was business.
- Strictly business.

Here's the deal, to
get the promotion,

I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other.

Right, enjoy the show.

- Okay, number 16, we need that

notarized thing
the judge gave us.



- Oh, look, look,
look, look, look.

The drunk guy
fell in the bear pit,

and the bear
ripped off this leg.

And now it looks like the
guy's kicking his own ass.

I love Fox.

- Come on, come on, Ned,
we gotta finish this divorce stuff.

We've only got three
more weeks, my friend.

- Okay, all right.

All right, I'm here, I'm
focused, question me.

- Okay, question number
18, reason for seeking divorce.

- Now, in our initial
application, we put impotence.

You wanna stick
with that, Chief?

- I don't know, I don't know.

Impotence is so '80s, you know.



Why don't we just say that
you have ambiguous genitalia?

- And you didn't notice that
when we first got married?

- I did, but I didn't
wanna be rude.

Huh, huh.

- Why don't we just
say incompatibility?

- Okay, incompatible we are.

- Oh, oh my God, great,
I just had this washed.

- Wait, wait, wait, don't
dab at it with a dry napkin.

Takes club soda, club
soda, get some right there.

- Fine, let me do it.

- No, no, I got it.

- Let me.
- Let me do it.

- Oh my God, great.

- Luckily, cheese fondue
will get club soda out,

so it's a push.

- Ned, stop it.

That tickles.

- What, are you ticklish?

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no don't tickle.

No, please please,
I swear to God,

I'll pee in my pants, I will!

- Good, good, good thing
you're wearing adult diapers.

- No, no, no.

- Uncle, uncle, uncle.

- Okay, maybe someone
else is ticklish, huh?

- Uh, gosh, I don't
know who that would be.

I have no feelings in
my torso, remember.

Nom.

- Oh really, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, we'll just have to
see about that, won't we?

- Don't tickle me.

- Um, I guess
we're done with the

divorce stuff tonight, huh?

- All right, you wanna
work on it tomorrow night?

- Sure, great.

- Same time, same couch?

- You got a date.

- Okay, good.

- Here, here here,
I got it, I got it.

- You know, hanging out
with you on a Saturday night

is not usually my
idea of a good time, but

I had a,

well, fun.

- Yeah, yeah, I had fun too.

- Well here we are.

- Here you go,
here's your stuff.

So, uh,

good night, Stace.

- Good night, Ned.

- Woo-hoo, sorry
I'm late, hi, Chazz.

- Hi, Amanda, I took a
phone message for you.

- Oh, good work, Chazz.

A man called.

Did this person leave
a phone number?

- Yes.

- Did you write it down?

- Nope, I memorized it.

- Okay.

- 555-0162.

- That's your phone
number, Chazz.

- Hey, I finally memorized it.

- For God's sakes,
what is wrong with you?

- Amanda, Amanda, Amanda,
it really wasn't his fault.

He was trying to
take the message

while he was cleaning
the batter he spilt.

Which he would not
have spilled if he was not

also trying to put out
the fire in the garbage can

that he started by accident.

- Hey, thanks for
sticking up for me, Stacey.

- Hey, you're a really
hard worker, Chazz.

You certainly get A for effort.

- I think effort starts
with an F, Stacey.

- Oh, right.

- Stacey?

- Mm-hmm?

- Yeah, I was wondering if,

maybe,

if you weren't busy tonight,

if you might want to?

- Do?

- Go out?

With me.

- Oh.

- Yeah, see, I got two
tickets to the IMAX Theater,

you know, with the
seven-story screen.

They're showing Mysteries
of the Grand Canyon.

The donkeys
seem so real it's like

you can almost reach
out and touch them.

But you can't.

Because I tried, and I
fell outta the balcony.

Six times.

- Uh-huh, well, you know, Chazz,

that is so sweet of you to ask,

and I do like falling
outta the balcony,

but Ned and I have
plans to finish up

the work on our divorce tonight.

- Oh, okay.

Never mind then.

- Hi, Ned.

- Hi.

- Last night was
really fun, wasn't it?

- Fun.

Had some.

Rick.

- What, what?

- Something happened last night.

Something that's got me
disturbed and confused,

not in the good way.

- What is it?

- Well, Stacey and I were
working on the divorce papers,

and we were having a good time,

laughing, sharing warm moments.

- Warm moments, that's good.

- For God's sake,
she almost peed.

- Was that one of
the warm moments?

So what's the problem, Ned,

what, you starting
to have a little bit

of the hots for Stacey?

I mean, come on,
you've been down

that road before, buddy.

- No, no, no, no it's more.

I mean, sure I felt lost,
you know, that's me.

But this was with genuine
affection and fondness.

I don't have to tell you, buddy,

that's a deadly cocktail.

- Come on, buddy,
it's not that bad.

Just go with it, let
your feelings go.

Just fall.

Fall, just fall.

- Hey, hey, hey,
I don't wanna fall.

I like it perched
up high, on a ledge,

body pressed
against the building.

Crowd gathers below me.

Chanting, jump, overdressed
pompous white guy, jump.

But I won't jump.

I like it up here.

- Sounds nice.

- All right, look, I
know what I gotta do.

I know what I gotta do.

May not be pleasant, but

look at her out there, she
can't stop thinking about me.

Stacey.

- Hey, I've got a really
fun idea for tonight.

How about we order in Thai
food and watch Funny Girl?

I know it's your favorite movie.

- No can do, got a date.

- Oh, when did this come up?

- Oh just now, I was
back in the office,

picked up the phone,

there was an old
girlfriend at the other end.

Coming in, from Mount Pilot.

- Okay, so, do you wanna
work on it tomorrow night?

- Um, no good for me.

No good, got the dog
show tomorrow night.

Gonna buy a dog,
train it, show it.

- Okay, whatever.

- This is great.

Now you're free tonight,
we can go, a-hoo.

- Okay, here we
go, almost there.

Oh, don't worry, Stacey, it
takes a while after the movie

for your eyes to
go back to normal.

- Didn't help sitting
in the first row.

- Well, at least when
I fell outta my seat

I didn't fall as far.

So, do you wanna go
see the donkey movie

again tomorrow night?

- Look, Chazz, you
are a really sweet guy.

- Thanks.

- But, I just don't really
think that we could have a,

you know, boy-girl thing.

- You are a girl, aren't you?

- Yes, Chazz.

Yes, I am.

- Okay, because
I was like, blah.

- I just really think that
we should just, stay friends.

- Friends.

Yeah.

- Right, sure.

Could I at least give
you a kiss goodnight?

- Sure, why not?

- Wow.

You've got incredibly soft lips.

- I do?

- Maybe we could
have another little kiss,

you know, as friends.

- Hey, Mr. Dorsey.

- Chazz?

Are you lost?

You know, this
isn't the muffin shop.

- Oh, I know that.

- Well, what are you doing here?

- I had sex with your wife.

- Does she know?

Chazz, honey, come back to bed.

- Okay.

I don't have to work today.

Saturday is my day off.

- Today's Tuesday.

- It is?

I gotta go, Stacey, all of a
sudden, today is Tuesday.

- You are not going anywhere
until I get a kiss, Mister.

- I better go.

I'll see you later.

- Yeah.

Oh, hi, Ned.

- What's next on the
evolutionary scale?

Homeo-pithicus man?

- Your sarcasm aside, Ned,

Chazz happens to
be a sweet, caring,

sensitive and thoughtful person.

- He is a sexual magician.

- Really?

God, I can't believe it.

He's

he's

Chazz.

He's a moron.

- All I can say is that
I've never experienced

anything like it
in my entire life.

It is like he
anticipates exactly

what you want at every moment.

He senses your
feelings, your thoughts.

He just locks
right into your soul

and takes you to a
place that you never

dreamed you could go.

- Huh.

- Hey, you guys seen Eric?

Rico.

- Hey, what's up, buddy?

- That was great
advice you gave me.

- What are you talking about?

- Telling me to blow off Stacey,

to give her the cold
shoulder, what was that about?

- I never said that.

We spoke briefly about
Stacey peeing and you standing

on a ledge, and then
you scurried outta here.

- Well, it was a stupid
idea even if it wasn't yours.

Which, I'm not
completely convinced of.

- Well what happened?

- She slept with Chazz?

Cha, Chazz.

Our Chazz, set his
hair on fire Chazz?

So what's the problem?

I mean, you wanted to
push Stacey away, right?

- I don't know.

- What, are you saying
that you wanna be with her?

- No.

- Well then what do you want?

- I want her to be alone
and unhappy, like I am.

- That's a little
ambitious, Ned.

- Hello, Chazz.

Hello, Chazz.

- Hey, you.

Hey, I made us a snack.

I know how much your
people like to nosh, huh?

So we got some
little quiches, Sashimi,

and a piece of hard
square meat, huh?

- No thanks, Ned.

I don't wanna ruin my appetite.

Chazz and I are
going out to dinner.

- Tonight?

Hmm-mm.

- You know, Stacey, we need
to work on the divorce stuff.

You know, we got a deadline.

- Okay, let's get going,
I don't wanna be late.

- Okay, let's just jump
right into the questionnaire.

Huh, huh, huh?

Okay, all right.

Did the marriage
produce any children?

Well, hell yeah, it did,

and they brought a fair
price on the black market.

- Can you joke when
you're alone, please?

I don't wanna be late.

Aw come on, Stacey, the
other night whenever we did this,

we really had a lotta fun.

I mean, what's going on?

- Nothing, I just
have a date, that's all.

- Well, cancel it, this is fun.

Sing-hoo.

- No, it's not.

- All right.

Hey, you know I think you
have a little stain right there.

On your dress.

- Where?

Right, I think it's right there.

Tickle me.

Here, let me help you.

- What are you doing?

- Let me help you, I know
you're ticklish, come on.

- Don't touch me.

No, leave me alone, Ned.

- What, are you gonna pee?

- No, will you stop it?

- Pee, damn you, pee.

- Stop it!

You are such a
jerk, I'm outta here.

- Stacey, I know
what you're doing.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about that,

the other night, when
I left you high and dry,

you were a woman scorned.

And I drove you into
the arms of Chazz.

- You are unbelievable.

Did it ever occur to you that

this has absolutely
nothing to do with you?

- Yeah, no.

- Well it doesn't.

- Oh, are you gonna
tell me now that Chazz

is your new soulmate?

That Chazz is the
guy you're gonna

spend the rest of
your life with, huh?

It's Chazz.

- Why do you care, Ned?

Are you saying that
you wanna be that man?

Goodbye.

- Look, come on, come on.

You know, I made all this food.

Come on, we had
fun the other night.

I hired a clown.

- Oh God, I'm blind.

- No, no, no no no, Chazz,
I'm just covering your eyes.

Guess who?

- Dave?

- No, no, silly, it's me.

- Oh hi, Stacey.

- Come on, silly.

Get off your apron,
we're gonna be late

for the planetarium.

- Well, it's cloudy out,
so it's probably canceled.

But I can't go anyway.

- Why not?

- I have something to tell you.

- Okay.

- I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

- What? Why?

- You're way too smart for me.

- No, no I'm not.

I'm not smart at all,
I'm stupid, ask anyone.

- No, you are smart.

I saw you read a
whole People magazine

in one afternoon and evening.

- I can read slower.

- No, you should not
read slower for me.

You have a gift.

- So do you.

So do you, Chazz, please
please, don't break up

with me, not now, please.

How about, Tuesday?

- I'm sorry, Stacey, goodbye.

- Goodbye.

- Bye.

- Wow, you really
weren't kidding

about the clown, were you?

- Longest four hours of my life.

- Why didn't you send him home?

- I wanted to, but he looked
so depressed, you know.

Had this big frown on his face,

and a tear on his cheek.

- Weren't those painted on?

- Well, I guess I'll
know for next time, huh?

Listen, Stace.

I'm sorry about what
I said about Chazz.

You know, he seems
like a good egg.

He's a sweet guy, and you
two kids have a future together.

- He's a moron.

- Well, be that as it may,

you two kids have
a future together.

- Afraid not, he dumped me.

- Now, look, I tell you,

there's another Chazz
out there for you.

Huh, and he wants
you to be by his side.

- Do you think?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

You're probably gonna
have to go to a lotta

Gallagher concerts to
find him, but he's out there.

- Well, at least I have
you and the divorce

to keep me going.

- There you go.

- Come on, we need
to have some fun.

- Okay, what do you wanna do?

- Funny, huh?

Now we're having fun again.

Right?

- Hello, I just spent four
hours with a professional.

Come on, I'll walk you home.

That's one of those ironic
remarks you love so much.

- Yeah, it was a good one.

So you wanna finish up the
divorce stuff tomorrow night?

Okay, seven o'clock?

Sure, that sounds good.

- Well,

good night, Stacey.

- Good night, Ned.

- Yeah.

- There's a clown
passed out in my bed.

- You had to have a picnic, huh?

- Well, who told you to
cover yourself with honey?

I like the way it makes me feel.

- Oh my God, this is gonna hurt.

- Eat her.

Me, tough and stringy.

Eat her.

Coming soon, When Animals Attack

Ned and Stacey, on nonstop Fox.

- Good night.