Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 19 - Please Don't Squeeze the Eric - full transcript

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

- It was business.
- Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed the one.

See to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other.
- Right.

Enjoy the show.

- Oh, God!

- What?



What, what, what's wrong?

- My tooth has been
killing me all week.

- Oh, phew.

Okay, not the muffin.

Just her rotting teeth.

Keep eating.

- Amanda, stop embarrassing me.

I can't help it
if my teeth hurt.

- You can't help it?

Hmm, let's see.

It's 20th Century, your
teeth hurt, a dentist?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I cannot go to my
dentist, he is way too cute.

I don't want him to see my
mouth all gross and swollen.



- So when do you see him?

- Just for cleanings.

But even then, I have
my teeth pre-cleaned

by an ugly dentist.

- Okay, you're the
biggest idiot I've ever met.

- Ha Ha!

Yeah!

- Okay Stacey,
you've been dethroned.

I stand before you

with the muffin of
the 21st Century.

Bite me.

- God, you took the words
right out of my mouth.

- Okay then.

You bite me.

- I can't eat
anything right now.

My tooth hurts too much.

- What the hell is it anyway?

- What it is is, a
muffin that is injected

with piping hot coffee.

- Hot coffee?

Well, why don't you just
call it the edible lawsuit?

- Listen, sister.

I am way ahead of you.

Right on the bottom
there, warning label

spelled out in raisins.

- Warning, the muffin
you are about to enjoy

contains scalding hot liquid.

By biting into it,
you hereby release

Amanda's Muffins,
aka Worldwide Muff Inc.,

of all liability due to
injury or disfigurement.

- That's all I could
fit on the bottom.

It also causes dizziness,
and fecal urgency.

- Hey everybody!

- Hey!
- Hey!

- Hey honey, why you so late?

- Well, working late
is just the kind of thing

that happens when
you've been handpicked

by the agency's
Chief Financial Officer

to assist in the
preparations for

Kirklin and Heywood's
biannual fiscal overview.

- That's good right?
- Yes!

- Well then I'm so
proud of you, good.

But actually I'm
a little surprised.

I thought Morgan
Stern hated you.

- Oh he does.

But he retired last month,
so now he hates me

from leisure world.

So now we got a new
CFO, but she needs

an astute veteran like myself
to bring her up to speed.

- That sounds great, man.

The only way to truly celebrate
this momentous occasion

is to eat a special muffin.

Okay, sure.

And on this last page, my
recommendation would be

that we try this...
- Yeah.

- This...
- Yeah.

- And then I think we
should include two of these

from this column,
and I think that should

round things out pretty well.

- Good, good.

That sounds good.

- Okay well then
I'll fax this right over

to Twin Dragon, and
we should have our

food in about an hour.

- I'm sorry to keep
you here so late.

I forget that other
people actually have lives.

- Are you kiddin' me?

I am thrilled.

I've been wanting
to sink my teeth into

one of these biannual
fiscal overviews

since I was a kid.

Well not a kid you
know, but junior high.

- Well I gotta tell you, Eric,

you really know your stuff.
- Ah, thanks, thanks.

- You know, I'm new here,
but it's a mystery to me

why you haven't gotten
a raise, you know?

Or even a token
promotion in what?

11 years?

- Actually people have
told me that I'm hard to see.

- Well you impressed me
the first day that I was here.

- Yeah?

- You were standing
in the hall in those

black spandex shorts.

Are those standard issue?

- No, sometimes I ride
my bike to work, you know?

And I change at my desk.

- Well I hope I'm not
being too personal,

but you have a very cute butt.

- Well, thank you.

That's what they
tell me down at the Y.

So, should we get some work
done before the food comes?

- Yeah, we should
probably look at those

media sales charts.
- Okay, I'll just

pull 'em up.
- Okay.

- May I?
- Oh, please, please.

- Okay, excuse me.
- Don't lose the spreadsheets.

- Oh.

Okay, well you're in luck.

I know how to toggle
from one to the other.

A little trick I learned
by reading the manual.

- Oh, you're good.

- Oh well you know,
I think we've been

relying too heavily
on television,

and not enough on
radio, and bus benches,

sandwich boards and the like.

- Wow, your shoulders
are really tense.

- Yeah, well I do a lot of
shrugging and flinching.

- Here, this really helps me.

- Now the media cost an,
oh, you got something there.

- Yeah?

- You kids better
get your clothes on,

I'm coming in there
in three seconds.

Mississippi one.

Ha!

- Ned, it's good
to see you, Ned.

Look here, it's Ned.

Ned's here.

Hi buddy.
- Hey.

- Hi, Ned.

- Listen, Stephanie
I appreciate it if

you'd take it easy on me in
that report you're preparing.

Who knew you're
not supposed to target

pregnant women with
a vodka campaign, huh?

Live and learn.

So, Rico, you about ready to go?

You wanna share a cab with me?

- Oh yeah sure.

Do you mind if we
finish this up tomorrow?

'Cause Ned gets
scared if he rides

in a cab by himself.

- I asked you
not to tell anyone.

- Actually Eric, we really
should keep working.

- Gotta keep working,
gotta keep working.

- All right, all
right, I'm gonna go.

Listen, don't forget about
dinner tomorrow night.

My place, I'm cooking.

Stephanie, if you're
free come on by, huh?

I'm gonna prepare
whatever I can catch

barehanded at the zoo.

- Great.

Well I'll be there.

- All right, take it easy.

So long.

- So, where were we?

- Well, I was toggling...

- Right, and I was rubbing.

Well, I...
- Shall we resume?

- You know what, Stephanie?

Don't take this the wrong way,

Because I really
appreciate this opportunity.

I just think we should
keep our relationship

strictly on a
professional level.

- What do you mean?

- Come on, the
rubbing and all the talk

about my great butt?

I mean, you were
making a pass at me.

- A pass?
- Yeah.

- No.

Eric, oh my goodness, no.

- Oh.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

No I'm really, I'm sorry.

Wow, you know what?

I will take this home, and
I will finish this at home,

and I will get this to you
first thing in the morning.

I am so, so sorry.

Forgive me.

You can have my Moo Shu pork.

I hope that makes
up for my horrible gaff.

Goodbye, good night,
good luck, and God bless.

- I don't know.

This whole move
has just been crazy.

I mean one day I'm in this
small agency in Minneapolis,

and the next day, people
are screaming obscenities

at me on Lexington Avenue.

- Well I'll give you
a helpful hint about

living in New York.

Just don't make eye
contact with anyone.

Ever.

Not even your eye doctor.

- Amanda, I need some
help getting the food

off the grill.

Come out here with
your insect-like pincers.

- Excuse me.

If I don't help him,
he spits in my food.

- Stephanie, I just
wanted to apologize again

for what I said last night.
- Eric stop, don't worry

about it, it's fine.

Ooh, do you workout?

- Dinner time!

Stacey, supper's ready!

Supper and dinner
are both ready.

- Ned, this all looks great.

- Aw, thank you.

I just want you to be aware that

no animals were harmed in
the preparation of this meal.

Except of course
the chickens who

were beheaded and dismembered.

- I'm sorry, I fell asleep.

Hi, I'm Stacey.

- Hi, I'm Stephanie.

- This is my wife.

Don't mind her, she
was shot in the head

by my teenage girlfriend.

- It's Novocaine.

She went to the dentist.

- Yeah, Ned likes to
make me look ridiculous

in front of strangers.

- Stacey, Stacey.
- Huh?

- There's liquid
pouring out of you.

- Oh, sorry.

- Actually, I prepared for that.

Got a little bib right there.

It's your favorite
playtime character,

Steggy Stegosaurus.

And the doctor said
that she can't have

any solid foods, so we
got a special meal prepared.

Here we go.
- No, I want what

you're all having!

- No no, honey,
it's all in here.

Including...

Including dessert,
Cognac, and a fine cigar.

- So Stephanie, Eric
tells me this big report

you guys are working
on is going really well.

- Yeah well, thanks to Eric.

I'm sorry I've had to shanghai
him the last few nights.

- Oh, please.

If you like him, keep him.

I'll get a new husband.

- Ha ha, ow!

Oh, that's funny, funny stuff.

Get a new one.

Boy, you're a clown honey.

- Stacey, come on honey.

You haven't even
touched your liquid chicken.

- I don't want it.

Hey say it, don't spray it.

Come on, come on, here we go.

Come on.

Let's open the
pod bay doors, Hal.

- Uh uh.
- Come on.

- Uh uh.
- Come on.

Okay, there we go.

- That's gross.

- Okay, somebody doesn't
get to watch Full House tonight.

- Amanda as long
as your in the mood to

loan out your husband, there's
a media buyers conference

in Boston next week.

Eric, I could really use
your help if you're available.

- Well.

- Oh, sure he's available.

You're available, right honey?

- Well you know,
actually next week

isn't really good for me.

- Why not?

- Well, darn the luck,
my Army Reserve unit

was called up on active duty.

- What?

- Yeah, there's a rumor
that China might be

invaded by the
Bahamas, you know?

Didn't wanna worry you, honey.

Would you excuse
me for a second?

- Come on, let's
give it another shot.

Come on.

Come on my little dumpling.

- Hi.

- What do you want with me?

- What do you mean?

- Don't start that.

You were rubbing my
leg, under the table,

in front of my wife.

That was you, wasn't it?

- Uh huh.

That was me, too.

- Oh boy.

Oh God, oh God, oh God.

- What's wrong?

What's wrong?

Are we out of decorative soaps?

- No.

No, she just, Stephanie,
she kissed me.

- You?

Why?

- She kissed me, and
she rubbed my leg.

She massaged me, she wants me.

She wants me bad.

- Uh huh.

You?

Why?

- Because my butt looks
good in bicycle shorts.

Dammit!

- Have you told Amanda?

- Amanda?

I cannot tell Amanda.

If I tell Amanda, she'll
make me tell Kirkland,

and they'll be this
whole scandal,

and I won't be able
to go out into public,

I won't be able to
go to the mems room,

I can't do my marketing...
- Whoa, hey, whoa, hey,

whoa Nellie, whoa.

Let me think about this.

Okay look.

All I have to do
is strut past her

with my brilliant plumage
proudly displayed.

She'll never look
your direction again.

Don't you worry, I'm on it.

- Eric, what are
you doing in there?

You're not afraid
of girls, are you?

- Yeah, I got you, me too.

- So you're really not going?

- Going where?

- To the conference
with Stephanie.

Oh, you know those
media buying conferences,

they're so boring.

- Eric, you love boring things.

You eat oatmeal every day.

You read Al Gore's
autobiography.

You listen to golf on the radio.

- Look, would you just
let me run my career

the way I wanna run my career?

- I do, I do let you.

You're not an
aggressive self-promoter.

Okay fine, I accept that.

But you finally have
a boss who likes you,

and recognizes your talent.

And you don't wanna
take advantage of it.

It's like you've got
this compulsive need

not to succeed.

- So okay, what do
you want me to do?

- I don't know, just
kiss her ass a little bit.

- Well, good morning Stephanie.

- Hey.

Thanks for dinner last night.

I had a good time.

- Oh, well that's
why they call me

good time Dorsey.

You know, I was named
after my grandmother.

Listen, we're both
single, attractive, young.

What say you and I have
dinner sometime, together,

alone, without those
killjoys, the Moyers?

And my wife.

- Geez thanks,
but I don't think so.

For a second there,

I thought you actually
weren't attracted to me.

So, Saturday night,
pick me up at eight?

- Ned, you're a nice guy,
but to be perfectly honest,

you're just not my type.

- Wait a second!

Stephanie, what do you
mean I'm not your type?

I happen to have
a really good butt,

and it looks great
in bicycle shorts.

And you like that.

- You're making me
feel really uncomfortable.

And I think this is
inappropriate office behavior.

Excuse me, I've got a meeting.

- No, no wait, wait, wait, wait.

I do have a nice butt.

And I highly recommend
that you feel it.

It's round and cake-like,
and you like that.

- What are you doing?

- Ha ha, see?

- You just leave me alone.

- No, no, no, feel one cheek.

I recommend the left.

Wait!

You love proud, defined butts.

Feel mine!

- Stephanie, I've
got something to say,

and I'm gonna say it, no matter
what the consequences are.

This thing that you're
doing has got to stop.

It's gotten to the point
that my wife thinks

that I wanna be a
miserable failure.

And I may be one.

But I don't wanna be one,

and that's an
important distinction.

- Oh God, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, God, I didn't
mean to make you cry.

I'm sorry.

Go ahead, you can harass me.

Come on, go ahead, harass me.

Oh boy, oh boy, my
shoulders sure are tense.

Oh wow.

Oh, need to be worked out.

- No!

Eric, I just had a
terrible experience.

- What happened?

- Ned just came
onto me in the worst,

most horrible, disgusting way.

I just feel so
degraded, so dirty.

Oh, God, is that how
I've been making you feel?

- No, no, well, yeah.

A little dirty.

- I'm so sorry, Eric.

I don't know why in God's
name I'd do such a thing.

- Oh come on,
it's not your fault.

It's a crime the way I fill
out a pair of bike shorts.

- It's just that I'm
new in this town,

and this job, and I guess
I was just feeling lonely.

Anxious to cling onto
someone, anyone.

And you were just there.

- Yeah, I was
there, in my shorts.

- Do you forgive me?

- Of course I do.

Look, this is just
between you and me,

nobody has to know.

- Thanks.
- That's okay.

It's all right.

- Oh, that's one of those
things I shouldn't be doing.

- Yeah.

- So you went to the
dentist again, huh?

- No, why?

Come in, it's open!

- Hey Stace.
- Hi honey.

- Hey honey, guess what?

Going to Boston.

Bean town, the hub,
over the river Charles,

and several colleges
that rejected me.

- So you're gonna go to the
conference with Stephanie?

That is great.

What made you change your mind?

- You did.

What you said to me
last night in the cab.

It made me feel
small and worthless.

It was just, it really helped.

- I'm so glad.

I love you.

Rico, get in here!

- Hey Ned, thanks a lot, buddy.

- For what?

- You really scared the
hell out of Stephanie.

Giving her a taste
of her own medicine.

That was a great idea.

What did you say to her, anyway?

- I just asked
her out on a date.

- Oh, well that did it.

- All right, truth be told,
I pulled down my pants

and showed her my butt.

- Why would you do that?

- 'Cause I thought
she'd like my butt.

I mean, she liked your butt.

My butt's better than yours,
ergo she should like my butt.

- Not that it matters,
but your butt isn't

better than my butt.

- Oh, yeah it is.

All right, come on man!

Your butt's gotten me
into enough trouble.

- What are ya talking about?

- Gah, I'm being
called in front of the

Human Resources committee
for sexual harassment.

- Ooh, sorry.

- Well can't you
just tell 'em I did

what I did for you?

- No I can't do that, Ned.

Stephanie was
really upset about it,

and I promised I
wouldn't tell anybody.

- All right, all right.

Well, I just have
to go to plan b.

I hope it works.
- What's that?

- Well, I got a hold of
the surveillance tape

of me hitting on Stephanie.

Security guy
gave it to me first.

So I did a little
creative tinkering.

Take a look.

Tell me what you think.

Good morning, Stephanie.

- Good morning, Ned.

- You look well today.

And I mean that in a
completely non-threatening,

non-offensive manner.

Because to do
otherwise would create

a hostile work environment.

An unpleasant place to be.

A place where no one
could ever be productive.

- That is a very progressive,
enlightened viewpoint.

- Absolutely right.

To have any other viewpoint,
would be to objectify you,

which we all know is wrong.

Dead wrong.

- Couldn't have said
it better myself, Ned.

I must leave now.

- But Stephanie, there
is more information.

Even today, many
men do not realize the

ramifications of their
seemingly innocuous actions.

- But I understand.

Could you show me a
common example of harassment

in the office setting?

- Why, I'd be happy to.

You will find this
unpleasant, yet many men

feel it is attractive
to women, to display

their proud, firm buttocks.

- That is very unpleasant.

You're so right.

I'm going to run and
tell all my friends.

- That is but one example.

For more information,
contact your

friendly Human
Resources Departments.

Spread the word,
harassment sucks.

So, am I home free?

Cut!

Good night.

Whoa.

Good night.