Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 18 - I Like Your Moxie - full transcript
Ned?
- I'm in here, Pat.
- What happened?
You missed the staff meeting.
- Did I?
Oh yeah, I'm just
looking at this picture.
A guy told me if you
stare at it long enough
you'll see a dinosaur.
- Ned, it's a picture
of a dinosaur.
- Oh yeah, there it is.
Huh, I guess I wasted the
better part of a morning on that.
So, what brings you by?
- Well, if you'd
come to the meeting
you would know that we
have some new directors
on the board and
they are talking about
making some changes
in upper management.
- Huh, I'll tell you the
first one who should go
is that slacker, Ned Dorsey.
Ha ha, see what
I did there, Pat.
I put my own name
in there as a joke.
Pat, are you laughing
on the inside?
Why Stacey?
Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal,
to get the promotion,
I needed a wife.
To get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell?
We up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common,
we irritate each other.
- Right.
Enjoy the show.
Hello, young pie,
so round and proud.
Like all things I love,
I'll slice you into
pieces and eat you.
- Morning, Ned.
- Good morning.
- Oh, baking.
What's going on at work?
- What you talking
about, Willis?
- Come on, Ned, I
know you by now.
Whenever you have anxiety
about something at work,
you bake.
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
When it's a personal
problem you clean.
When it's work, you bake
and when it's sexual,
you buy a new suit.
New suit, huh?
- No, no, I've had this
thing for a long time,
just, you know,
worn it with the vest.
- Come on, Ned, talk to me.
What's going on?
Did that guy from shipping
take your lunch money again?
- That was a loan.
- Come on, what is it?
Talk to me.
- It's nothing.
All right, there's a slender
chance it could be something.
I'd get fired.
- What?
Oh my god.
I am so sorry.
Am I gonna have to pay
the money back I owe you?
- No, no, save your
money for a hair weave.
- Hey, good morning.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Ned, is that a new suit?
- I've worn this before,
aw, I'm changing.
- Okay, Stacey, here's our key
and thank you again so much
for taking care
of Howard tonight.
- Just doing my part to
help you guys make a baby.
- Yeah, god, I'm just praying
tonight's the night, you know?
It just seems like we've
been trying for forever.
I'm just getting so sick of it.
No offense, honey.
- How could I possibly
take offense at that?
- Anyway, I'm very optimistic.
According to my ovulation chart,
I could get pregnant
tonight sitting on a bus.
- So where'd you decide to go?
- The Plaza.
- Oh, fancy.
- Got a coupon.
- Okay, so Howard gets
home from school at 3:30
and he can play, but make
sure he does his homework first.
- Amanda, Amanda, go have fun.
Howard'll be fine.
- Come on, Rico, let's go
to our place of employment.
Come on.
- Oh, Ned, Ned.
- Yeah.
- Come on, come on.
- Ned, come on, they're
not gonna fire you.
You're the best
creative director in town.
- Absolutely, we
consider ourselves lucky
to be working for you.
- And you know
if they do fire you,
we've decided we're
all gonna quit in protest.
- Quit, Thad, come on.
That's very sweet.
I don't wanna hear any
of that quitting talk, okay?
If I get fired, I'm sure
you'll get fired, too.
- Hello, Ned.
Everyone.
Mr. Kirkland.
- Could you excuse
us for a moment?
- Okay, Pat, you walked in here
with a grim look on your face.
I'm just hoping a close
relative of yours has died.
- Well actually, my wife's
brother passed away yesterday.
- Yes!
- It's not why I came in here.
I just came from a
meeting of the new board.
- Okay, so what's
going on up there?
- You're not getting fired.
However, I want you to know
that the board is
not really happy
with your recent work.
Now, they want you
to prove your worth
to this agency starting today.
- I can do that, okay?
You point out
the ass, I kiss it.
Although, if it's yours,
I'd like to iron it first.
- Ned, this is serious.
Look, they are hoping to
get the Claremont Mills people
as clients.
Now if you can pull
this off, you'll be okay.
- Are you kidding me?
Claremont Mills, they make
everything from guided missiles
to breakfast cereal.
I can sell that crap.
You're talking to Ned I
can sell that crap Dorsey.
Okay, all right, so
what do they want
Kid Dorsey to pitch on,
sneakers, soda, cereal?
- Sponges.
- No!
What's going on over there?
You got any ideas?
- No.
- Ned, it's impossible.
How can you sell a sponge?
- I mean, look at it Ned.
It's nothing.
- All right, come
on, let's don't panic.
Let's don't panic.
Just as the sponge
absorbs the spill,
we must absorb the sponge.
Okay, let's embrace the
sponge as our teacher.
We must listen to what
the sponge has to teach.
- When's it gonna teach us, Ned?
- I've got it!
Okay, we go to a
fancy restaurant,
we switch out their
normal sponges
with the Sponge-O sponge,
see if the customers notice.
- Love it.
- Was that good or what?
Oh, shut up!
It's moronic and you
damn well know it.
What is that?
- That's a fire alarm.
Now, come on.
- Shouldn't we get
out of here, Ned?
Yeah, let's go.
- Come on, nah, nah, nah,
sit down, sit down, come on.
It's nothing, probably.
- Ned, I see smoke.
- Steam from the subway.
Oh god, fire, it's everywhere!
- One man's opinion.
- Ned may be
disturbed, but lordy,
that mother can bake.
- Aunt Stacey, please,
I'm begging you,
use a coaster.
Mom's gonna get mad.
- Shh, come on,
it's a good part.
- It's gonna stain.
- Okay, it's clean now.
Okay, now just chill out.
Watch the movie.
- It's too scary.
It'll give me nightmares.
- Oh honey, don't worry.
In real life, people don't
wear other people's skin.
- I promise, honey, we'll
get our deposit back.
- That's not the point.
That's not what I'm trying.
What the hell
happened to this place?
- Aunt Stacey did it.
- Howard.
- And she also made
long distance phone calls
and went through
your change drawer.
- I had to pay for the pizza.
What are you doing home anyway?
Aren't you supposed
to be at The Plaza?
- Well, a hotel workers'
strike started tonight
and my commie husband
refused to cross the picket line.
- I told you I will not
betray my union brothers.
- Honey, you are
not in their union.
You're not in any union.
You rented Hoffa, that's it.
- Do you enjoy hurting me?
- Since you're cleaning
up, I'm gonna get going.
- Oh, no, no, no, no,
Stacey, we still need you.
Our window is closing
if you know what I mean.
Honey, would you like to
take a walk with Aunt Sloppy?
- Uh, honey, did you
leave a blueberry pie
and 18,000 roaches
on the counter?
- No.
- Okay, the pie is mine.
- All right, now,
you're a sponge,
what would you do to
make people love you?
- Wear a tight mini
dress, get sloppy drunk
and rub up against them.
- I know, I remember
your interview.
- Oops.
- I told you not to
touch my figurines.
What did you do?
- The horn fell off.
- You knocked the
horn off my unicorn.
Now he's like all
the other horses.
You've taken away his magic.
- Uh, psycho boss, sponges.
- Okay, right, right.
All right, look, let's
just try a new tack.
Okay, we've got to
get to know this sponge.
Smell it, feel it, know
it, taste it, taste it.
Taste it.
- I don't want to.
- You're the most
expendable, taste it.
How's it taste?
- Like sponge.
- That's it, that's it!
That's the breakthrough
we're looking for.
Sponge-O sponges,
they taste damn spongy.
Is that good?
- Obviously, your building
already had roaches.
- Yeah, and they were
fine in the basement
until you said, hey,
come to the Moyer's.
We have pie.
- Okay, Howard, just go
and take your stuff there
into Uncle Ned's room.
- Hey, ho, whoa,
whoa, hey, whoa.
What's going on here?
- Our apartment is
infested thanks to this one.
- Well, you guys
can't stay here.
We're trying to work.
We have a deadline.
- Well, join the club, pally.
My egg has dropped.
It's in my uterus and
it's gotta be fertilized
within the next half hour.
What are you looking at?
- Ned, I promised them they
could have sex in my room.
- All right, look,
but listen, man,
in the interest of
time, no foreplay.
- You have my word
as a gentleman, Ned.
- All right, people
and we are back.
- Who wants pie?
- Oh, excellent.
- The sponge.
Sponge.
Sponge.
- Oh, this isn't working.
All right, what else do we got?
- Well, Jeannie had
that spongy jumping idea.
What was that, Jeannie?
Where's Jeannie?
- Oh man, come on, Jeannie.
For the last time get
away from the door.
Let them have sex in peace.
- Sorry.
- I told you, I'm taping it.
- They've been in
there for almost an hour.
That man is a stallion.
- I'm beginning to think we
should've taken our coats
off the bed.
- Forget the coats.
Let's focus.
- Howard, Howard, honey,
it is only a bedtime story.
- It's scary.
- Well, I can't help that.
It's based on actual events.
- I wanna stay out here.
- Okay, we'll stay out
here for five minutes
and help Uncle
Ned with his work.
- Come on, are you kidding me?
We're paid professionals
in advertising, okay?
I don't think we need
your help, all right?
Howard, we're talking
sponges, what do you got?
- They're stinky.
- They are stinky.
Huh, that's what
we're all thinking.
He's the only one
with the nugs to say it.
- Howard, honey, let's
go back into the kitchen.
We'll have another espresso.
- Okay.
- I don't wanna say anything.
- Hi, Eric.
- Hi, Ned.
- What?
- Well, this is
a little awkward,
but we're in there and
your voice is really carrying
and it's a little distracting.
Well, the thing is, I'm
having a little trouble
completing the transaction.
- All right, all right.
I'll be back in five minutes.
- No, no, no, no, Ned, no.
I just meant can you
keep it down out here.
- Oh.
- Sip it, Howard, sip it.
- Stacey, what is
Howard still doing up?
Is that espresso?
- With milk.
- You're insane.
- All right, all right, look.
This is how it's gonna go.
Stacey, take Howard in
my room and put him to bed
and make him go to sleep
with tales of a magic kingdom
with jams and teas
and jelly cakes, go.
But wait a second
and gnomes with pointy shoes.
Pointy!
- Okay.
- And you, egg
woman, kukukachoo.
And you, egg beater, get
in there and make that baby.
Think of something erotic
like gnomes with pointy shoes.
- Gnomes with pointy shoes,
I'm intrigued.
Come on, honey, let's try.
- I'm not sure I want to now.
- Now you three, I want to
start hearing some good pitches.
- Ned, let's face it, there's
no way to sell sponges.
- Oh sure, that's
easy for you to say.
Look at you, the
three of you, young,
early on in your careers.
Got your whole
lives ahead of you,
but me, no, I'm old.
It's the end of the line for me.
But you're laughing at me.
You think I can't close
the deal here, huh?
Well, let me tell you something,
I am going to remain
on this earth long enough
to see the day when I
can dance on your graves.
So, what've you got for me?
Sponge, you've beaten me.
I cannot sell you.
But I'll tell you one thing,
I'll dance on your grave.
Stacey.
- Yeah.
- Let me ask you a question.
I'm just examining
my career options here.
You think I could be
a roadie for Yanni?
- Ned, relax, you'll figure
a way to keep your job.
- No, not this time.
- Ned, for two years
I have watched you
back yourself into a
corner time and time again.
And every time, you
have come out unscathed.
Sometimes even
ahead of the game.
In fact, your success
has made me realize
that there is no god.
- Yeah, thanks, Stacey.
- Yeah, guided missiles are
where we make our big money,
but sponges,
still our first love.
- So, Pat, where's
your man, Dorsey?
It's almost 10:15.
- Oh well, he's probably just
putting the finishing touches
on the pitch, Earl.
Ah Ned, there you are.
- Hi.
- Ned Dorsey, Earl
and Gary Claremont.
- Good morning, Mr. Dorsey,
we're on a tight schedule.
So what have you got?
- What have I got?
That's a question that
you've asked me here today.
What have I got?
- I think he's sleeping.
- Just a dramatic
pause for effect.
- No, he's sleeping.
- Just a dramatic
pause, right Ned?
Ned?
- Huh, your money's
on the dresser.
- Mr. Dorsey, we're
real short of time here.
What do you have for us?
- Nothing.
Okay, look, I've got nothing.
I've got bupkis, all right?
But look, guys, if you
give us the account,
I'll stick some hot
chicks in fast cars,
put them in a
commercial and by jookie,
just hope for the best.
- Dammit, boy.
I like your moxie.
As far as I'm concerned
the account's yours.
- Thanks.
- Well, I hate his moxie and
I own 98% of the company
so sit your ass down.
I think this was
just a waste of time.
Come on, let's get out of here.
- Fine, go,
but I'll tell you one thing,
I'll dance on your graves!
- What did you say?
- I like to dance
with Peter Graves.
- No, no, no, you said
I'll dance on your graves.
Did you mean that as
some sort of a slogan?
- Well, yeah.
I certainly didn't
mean it as an insult
hurled impotently at
you as you left my office.
- Earl, do you think that's
a good slogan for sponges?
- No, no, for our
guided missiles.
We'll dance on your graves.
It's got a nice ring to it.
Are you interested
in that account?
- Oh, sure we are.
That's the one we really wanted.
- Yeah, I mean come on,
sponges, that's small potatoes.
- What did you say?
- That's small potatoes.
- That's the perfect slogan
for our miniature
frozen vegetable dishes.
Gentlemen, you've
got that account, too.
- Suit yourself.
- What did you say?
- Uh, suit yourself.
- Suit yourself.
That's the perfect
slogan for our new line
of discount clothing stores.
- Yes, that's it!
- Okay.
- Pat, this guy is good.
I'll send over the
paperwork tomorrow.
- Ned, you just got
three huge accounts.
- I guess I'm just a
dumb, lucky bastard.
- What did you say?
- Hey, I can see in there.
How're you doing, huh?
I'm talking to you, Blotor,
Lord of Stomach Land.
Can I suggest fewer Cheetos
and maybe some more sit ups.
Huh, okay, crunches.
So, we do these whole
things so that you'll stay with us
and not go to another channel.
Don't touch that,
don't turn us off.
Goodnight, goodnight.
- I'm in here, Pat.
- What happened?
You missed the staff meeting.
- Did I?
Oh yeah, I'm just
looking at this picture.
A guy told me if you
stare at it long enough
you'll see a dinosaur.
- Ned, it's a picture
of a dinosaur.
- Oh yeah, there it is.
Huh, I guess I wasted the
better part of a morning on that.
So, what brings you by?
- Well, if you'd
come to the meeting
you would know that we
have some new directors
on the board and
they are talking about
making some changes
in upper management.
- Huh, I'll tell you the
first one who should go
is that slacker, Ned Dorsey.
Ha ha, see what
I did there, Pat.
I put my own name
in there as a joke.
Pat, are you laughing
on the inside?
Why Stacey?
Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal,
to get the promotion,
I needed a wife.
To get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell?
We up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common,
we irritate each other.
- Right.
Enjoy the show.
Hello, young pie,
so round and proud.
Like all things I love,
I'll slice you into
pieces and eat you.
- Morning, Ned.
- Good morning.
- Oh, baking.
What's going on at work?
- What you talking
about, Willis?
- Come on, Ned, I
know you by now.
Whenever you have anxiety
about something at work,
you bake.
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
When it's a personal
problem you clean.
When it's work, you bake
and when it's sexual,
you buy a new suit.
New suit, huh?
- No, no, I've had this
thing for a long time,
just, you know,
worn it with the vest.
- Come on, Ned, talk to me.
What's going on?
Did that guy from shipping
take your lunch money again?
- That was a loan.
- Come on, what is it?
Talk to me.
- It's nothing.
All right, there's a slender
chance it could be something.
I'd get fired.
- What?
Oh my god.
I am so sorry.
Am I gonna have to pay
the money back I owe you?
- No, no, save your
money for a hair weave.
- Hey, good morning.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Ned, is that a new suit?
- I've worn this before,
aw, I'm changing.
- Okay, Stacey, here's our key
and thank you again so much
for taking care
of Howard tonight.
- Just doing my part to
help you guys make a baby.
- Yeah, god, I'm just praying
tonight's the night, you know?
It just seems like we've
been trying for forever.
I'm just getting so sick of it.
No offense, honey.
- How could I possibly
take offense at that?
- Anyway, I'm very optimistic.
According to my ovulation chart,
I could get pregnant
tonight sitting on a bus.
- So where'd you decide to go?
- The Plaza.
- Oh, fancy.
- Got a coupon.
- Okay, so Howard gets
home from school at 3:30
and he can play, but make
sure he does his homework first.
- Amanda, Amanda, go have fun.
Howard'll be fine.
- Come on, Rico, let's go
to our place of employment.
Come on.
- Oh, Ned, Ned.
- Yeah.
- Come on, come on.
- Ned, come on, they're
not gonna fire you.
You're the best
creative director in town.
- Absolutely, we
consider ourselves lucky
to be working for you.
- And you know
if they do fire you,
we've decided we're
all gonna quit in protest.
- Quit, Thad, come on.
That's very sweet.
I don't wanna hear any
of that quitting talk, okay?
If I get fired, I'm sure
you'll get fired, too.
- Hello, Ned.
Everyone.
Mr. Kirkland.
- Could you excuse
us for a moment?
- Okay, Pat, you walked in here
with a grim look on your face.
I'm just hoping a close
relative of yours has died.
- Well actually, my wife's
brother passed away yesterday.
- Yes!
- It's not why I came in here.
I just came from a
meeting of the new board.
- Okay, so what's
going on up there?
- You're not getting fired.
However, I want you to know
that the board is
not really happy
with your recent work.
Now, they want you
to prove your worth
to this agency starting today.
- I can do that, okay?
You point out
the ass, I kiss it.
Although, if it's yours,
I'd like to iron it first.
- Ned, this is serious.
Look, they are hoping to
get the Claremont Mills people
as clients.
Now if you can pull
this off, you'll be okay.
- Are you kidding me?
Claremont Mills, they make
everything from guided missiles
to breakfast cereal.
I can sell that crap.
You're talking to Ned I
can sell that crap Dorsey.
Okay, all right, so
what do they want
Kid Dorsey to pitch on,
sneakers, soda, cereal?
- Sponges.
- No!
What's going on over there?
You got any ideas?
- No.
- Ned, it's impossible.
How can you sell a sponge?
- I mean, look at it Ned.
It's nothing.
- All right, come
on, let's don't panic.
Let's don't panic.
Just as the sponge
absorbs the spill,
we must absorb the sponge.
Okay, let's embrace the
sponge as our teacher.
We must listen to what
the sponge has to teach.
- When's it gonna teach us, Ned?
- I've got it!
Okay, we go to a
fancy restaurant,
we switch out their
normal sponges
with the Sponge-O sponge,
see if the customers notice.
- Love it.
- Was that good or what?
Oh, shut up!
It's moronic and you
damn well know it.
What is that?
- That's a fire alarm.
Now, come on.
- Shouldn't we get
out of here, Ned?
Yeah, let's go.
- Come on, nah, nah, nah,
sit down, sit down, come on.
It's nothing, probably.
- Ned, I see smoke.
- Steam from the subway.
Oh god, fire, it's everywhere!
- One man's opinion.
- Ned may be
disturbed, but lordy,
that mother can bake.
- Aunt Stacey, please,
I'm begging you,
use a coaster.
Mom's gonna get mad.
- Shh, come on,
it's a good part.
- It's gonna stain.
- Okay, it's clean now.
Okay, now just chill out.
Watch the movie.
- It's too scary.
It'll give me nightmares.
- Oh honey, don't worry.
In real life, people don't
wear other people's skin.
- I promise, honey, we'll
get our deposit back.
- That's not the point.
That's not what I'm trying.
What the hell
happened to this place?
- Aunt Stacey did it.
- Howard.
- And she also made
long distance phone calls
and went through
your change drawer.
- I had to pay for the pizza.
What are you doing home anyway?
Aren't you supposed
to be at The Plaza?
- Well, a hotel workers'
strike started tonight
and my commie husband
refused to cross the picket line.
- I told you I will not
betray my union brothers.
- Honey, you are
not in their union.
You're not in any union.
You rented Hoffa, that's it.
- Do you enjoy hurting me?
- Since you're cleaning
up, I'm gonna get going.
- Oh, no, no, no, no,
Stacey, we still need you.
Our window is closing
if you know what I mean.
Honey, would you like to
take a walk with Aunt Sloppy?
- Uh, honey, did you
leave a blueberry pie
and 18,000 roaches
on the counter?
- No.
- Okay, the pie is mine.
- All right, now,
you're a sponge,
what would you do to
make people love you?
- Wear a tight mini
dress, get sloppy drunk
and rub up against them.
- I know, I remember
your interview.
- Oops.
- I told you not to
touch my figurines.
What did you do?
- The horn fell off.
- You knocked the
horn off my unicorn.
Now he's like all
the other horses.
You've taken away his magic.
- Uh, psycho boss, sponges.
- Okay, right, right.
All right, look, let's
just try a new tack.
Okay, we've got to
get to know this sponge.
Smell it, feel it, know
it, taste it, taste it.
Taste it.
- I don't want to.
- You're the most
expendable, taste it.
How's it taste?
- Like sponge.
- That's it, that's it!
That's the breakthrough
we're looking for.
Sponge-O sponges,
they taste damn spongy.
Is that good?
- Obviously, your building
already had roaches.
- Yeah, and they were
fine in the basement
until you said, hey,
come to the Moyer's.
We have pie.
- Okay, Howard, just go
and take your stuff there
into Uncle Ned's room.
- Hey, ho, whoa,
whoa, hey, whoa.
What's going on here?
- Our apartment is
infested thanks to this one.
- Well, you guys
can't stay here.
We're trying to work.
We have a deadline.
- Well, join the club, pally.
My egg has dropped.
It's in my uterus and
it's gotta be fertilized
within the next half hour.
What are you looking at?
- Ned, I promised them they
could have sex in my room.
- All right, look,
but listen, man,
in the interest of
time, no foreplay.
- You have my word
as a gentleman, Ned.
- All right, people
and we are back.
- Who wants pie?
- Oh, excellent.
- The sponge.
Sponge.
Sponge.
- Oh, this isn't working.
All right, what else do we got?
- Well, Jeannie had
that spongy jumping idea.
What was that, Jeannie?
Where's Jeannie?
- Oh man, come on, Jeannie.
For the last time get
away from the door.
Let them have sex in peace.
- Sorry.
- I told you, I'm taping it.
- They've been in
there for almost an hour.
That man is a stallion.
- I'm beginning to think we
should've taken our coats
off the bed.
- Forget the coats.
Let's focus.
- Howard, Howard, honey,
it is only a bedtime story.
- It's scary.
- Well, I can't help that.
It's based on actual events.
- I wanna stay out here.
- Okay, we'll stay out
here for five minutes
and help Uncle
Ned with his work.
- Come on, are you kidding me?
We're paid professionals
in advertising, okay?
I don't think we need
your help, all right?
Howard, we're talking
sponges, what do you got?
- They're stinky.
- They are stinky.
Huh, that's what
we're all thinking.
He's the only one
with the nugs to say it.
- Howard, honey, let's
go back into the kitchen.
We'll have another espresso.
- Okay.
- I don't wanna say anything.
- Hi, Eric.
- Hi, Ned.
- What?
- Well, this is
a little awkward,
but we're in there and
your voice is really carrying
and it's a little distracting.
Well, the thing is, I'm
having a little trouble
completing the transaction.
- All right, all right.
I'll be back in five minutes.
- No, no, no, no, Ned, no.
I just meant can you
keep it down out here.
- Oh.
- Sip it, Howard, sip it.
- Stacey, what is
Howard still doing up?
Is that espresso?
- With milk.
- You're insane.
- All right, all right, look.
This is how it's gonna go.
Stacey, take Howard in
my room and put him to bed
and make him go to sleep
with tales of a magic kingdom
with jams and teas
and jelly cakes, go.
But wait a second
and gnomes with pointy shoes.
Pointy!
- Okay.
- And you, egg
woman, kukukachoo.
And you, egg beater, get
in there and make that baby.
Think of something erotic
like gnomes with pointy shoes.
- Gnomes with pointy shoes,
I'm intrigued.
Come on, honey, let's try.
- I'm not sure I want to now.
- Now you three, I want to
start hearing some good pitches.
- Ned, let's face it, there's
no way to sell sponges.
- Oh sure, that's
easy for you to say.
Look at you, the
three of you, young,
early on in your careers.
Got your whole
lives ahead of you,
but me, no, I'm old.
It's the end of the line for me.
But you're laughing at me.
You think I can't close
the deal here, huh?
Well, let me tell you something,
I am going to remain
on this earth long enough
to see the day when I
can dance on your graves.
So, what've you got for me?
Sponge, you've beaten me.
I cannot sell you.
But I'll tell you one thing,
I'll dance on your grave.
Stacey.
- Yeah.
- Let me ask you a question.
I'm just examining
my career options here.
You think I could be
a roadie for Yanni?
- Ned, relax, you'll figure
a way to keep your job.
- No, not this time.
- Ned, for two years
I have watched you
back yourself into a
corner time and time again.
And every time, you
have come out unscathed.
Sometimes even
ahead of the game.
In fact, your success
has made me realize
that there is no god.
- Yeah, thanks, Stacey.
- Yeah, guided missiles are
where we make our big money,
but sponges,
still our first love.
- So, Pat, where's
your man, Dorsey?
It's almost 10:15.
- Oh well, he's probably just
putting the finishing touches
on the pitch, Earl.
Ah Ned, there you are.
- Hi.
- Ned Dorsey, Earl
and Gary Claremont.
- Good morning, Mr. Dorsey,
we're on a tight schedule.
So what have you got?
- What have I got?
That's a question that
you've asked me here today.
What have I got?
- I think he's sleeping.
- Just a dramatic
pause for effect.
- No, he's sleeping.
- Just a dramatic
pause, right Ned?
Ned?
- Huh, your money's
on the dresser.
- Mr. Dorsey, we're
real short of time here.
What do you have for us?
- Nothing.
Okay, look, I've got nothing.
I've got bupkis, all right?
But look, guys, if you
give us the account,
I'll stick some hot
chicks in fast cars,
put them in a
commercial and by jookie,
just hope for the best.
- Dammit, boy.
I like your moxie.
As far as I'm concerned
the account's yours.
- Thanks.
- Well, I hate his moxie and
I own 98% of the company
so sit your ass down.
I think this was
just a waste of time.
Come on, let's get out of here.
- Fine, go,
but I'll tell you one thing,
I'll dance on your graves!
- What did you say?
- I like to dance
with Peter Graves.
- No, no, no, you said
I'll dance on your graves.
Did you mean that as
some sort of a slogan?
- Well, yeah.
I certainly didn't
mean it as an insult
hurled impotently at
you as you left my office.
- Earl, do you think that's
a good slogan for sponges?
- No, no, for our
guided missiles.
We'll dance on your graves.
It's got a nice ring to it.
Are you interested
in that account?
- Oh, sure we are.
That's the one we really wanted.
- Yeah, I mean come on,
sponges, that's small potatoes.
- What did you say?
- That's small potatoes.
- That's the perfect slogan
for our miniature
frozen vegetable dishes.
Gentlemen, you've
got that account, too.
- Suit yourself.
- What did you say?
- Uh, suit yourself.
- Suit yourself.
That's the perfect
slogan for our new line
of discount clothing stores.
- Yes, that's it!
- Okay.
- Pat, this guy is good.
I'll send over the
paperwork tomorrow.
- Ned, you just got
three huge accounts.
- I guess I'm just a
dumb, lucky bastard.
- What did you say?
- Hey, I can see in there.
How're you doing, huh?
I'm talking to you, Blotor,
Lord of Stomach Land.
Can I suggest fewer Cheetos
and maybe some more sit ups.
Huh, okay, crunches.
So, we do these whole
things so that you'll stay with us
and not go to another channel.
Don't touch that,
don't turn us off.
Goodnight, goodnight.