Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 17 - The Truth Shall Set You Back - full transcript

Why Stacey?

Why Ned?

It was business.

Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell.

We up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other.



Right.

Enjoy the show.

It's open.

- Hey, Stace.

- Good morning.
- Hi guys.

So Amanda, ready
to hit Bloomingdale's?

- Yeah, let's go before
the sex wears off

and Eric tells me we
don't have enough money.

- So Stace, is Ned around?

I thought we might
catch a movie.

- Oh yeah, he's here but I
think he already has plans.

- Aw, look what just walked
off a box of fish sticks.

- Well, looks like
you're going to have to

get some new material.



You said that the
last time I smeared

my body with tartar sauce.

- I'm going to throw up.

- So, what's with
the getup, Ned?

- Just been spending
the last few weekends

working on the boat
with Stacey's dad.

- Oh, Saul, you're helping
out Saul with the boat.

That's good,
that's good for you.

- Yeah.

And that's not all.

Yeah?

- Yeah.

Somebody got asked
to be his first mate

in the hardware store
owner's regatta next weekend.

Ned not to be used as a
flotation device Dorsey.

- That's great for you.

You know, last year, Saul
asked me to help him out

with his taxes.

I got him nearly
$400 in deductions.

Until the IRS
disallowed it, but.

- Well listen, love to
sit around and chat but

if I don't get on a boat soon,

I'm going to
feel a little silly.

- I don't get it.

Why does your dad always
ask to do stuff with Ned?

He never asks me.

- Oh, it's just because
he knows you're busy.

And he doesn't know that Ned is.

- I think I've got
something in my eye.

I'll be in the bathroom.

- Why are you
letting this continue?

- Huh, what are
you talking about?

- I mean, all this time that
Ned spends with Mom and Dad.

When are you going to tell
them you're getting a divorce?

- I know, I should.

I will.

- When, how, where?

- Amanda, this isn't easy.

They think it's a real marriage.

I have to tell them a sincere,
genuine, respectful lie.

- Pass me a hard one.

Would you like to dip
your parched tongue

in a box of diet lemonade?

Here, to keep our
figures trim for the

thong wearing months ahead.

- Well, thanks.

You know, you've been
a great help with the boat.

I never would've
thought to put red velvet

curtains in the galley.

Uh oh, here comes
God's gift to the hardware

store owner's world.

- Hello, Colbert.

- Oh, Collaine.

- So, I see you and
your son in law are still

working on this
floating roach motel.

- Listen, I could've
walked into a showroom

and bought a big
stink pot like you did,

but I rebuilt this
boat from scratch.

- Yeah.

Well, we'll see who
has the faster vessel

on Sunday, won't we?

- We already know
who has the fatter ass.

All right, but yours is second.

- See you at the
finish line, Colbert.

If you ever get there.

- I hate him.

- Ah, he's right.

We don't have a chance.

- Wait a second, Saul.

I don't want to hear
things like that, huh?

With your boat
building skills and

my flair for decorating,

little Lusitania
could never lose.

- You're a good man,
you know that, Ned?

Stacey's lucky to have you.

- Thanks, Saul.

- Listen, I guess
this is as good a time

as any to tell you.

Ellen and I bought two
plots for you and Stacey

out at Mount Sinai.

- Really?

Yeah, right next to ours.

- You mean, the two
under the birch tree

that overlook the
Rosenblaum Mausoleum?

- Mmhmm.

I hope it's okay with you.

- Are you kidding me?

My only regret is that
we're all not dead now.

- I love you, Ned.

Look see, only two
blocks from the ocean.

And we got a hell of a deal.

- It's beautiful, Daddy.

- Yeah yeah, and
we got a guest room,

so I'll expect you and Ned
down for a visit in the winter.

- With your children.

- Yeah.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- Hey, how you doing, Ellen?

Nice to see you.
- Oh, it's so good to see you.

- Hey, Neddy.

- Hey, Captain No Beard.

How you doing there?

Honey, how come you
didn't tell me that my

favorite in laws
were coming over?

- I left you eight messages
at work, sweet pea.

You didn't return
any of my calls.

- Well, you should know by
now I never return your calls.

Hey listen, Saul,
picked up a little item

I think will make our
presence felt at the regatta.

- Oh yeah?

- Right here.

What do you think?

- Terrific.

- You two and that crazy boat.

- Well, okay.

Ned's home, I'm deaf
and dinner's ready.

So honey, could you help
me for a minute in the kitchen?

- Sure, no prob.

Wait a second, you cooked?

Look, you guys sit tight.

I'm going to do a little
work in the kitchen, huh?

Okay.

Okay listen,
first thing's first.

Need a new casserole dish.

Ned.

I invited my parents
here for a reason.

- Yeah.

- I'm going to tell
them about the divorce.

- What?

Nah.

- Yeah.

I am serious.

I've been waiting
for you to get home.

Now, I really need you
to be on board with me

because we have
to convince them that

it's a mutual decision, okay?

- What are you talking about?

Why do they have to know now?

- Ned, our divorce is going
to be final in six weeks.

I finally have my courage
up and I want to do it tonight.

So, come on.

- Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Look, you know, I've
been thinking and well,

I love you now.

- Mom, Dad.

I have something to tell you.

- Yeah Cookie, what is it?

- Ned and I are getting...

- I was cleaning it.

It went off.

- Ned and I are...

- Excuse me.

- Ned and I are...

Oh, will you stop that?

We have to go
back in the kitchen.

Hey, look.

You can blow that
thing all you want.

But I'm going to tell them.

They need to know.

- Look, they're going to
Florida in a couple weeks, right?

Yes.

- All right, look.

We rent a child.

We go down there a
couple of times a year.

Everybody's happy.

- I'm going to tell them.

- Okay, hang on, hang on.

Look, look, can we
handle this my way?

- What are you talking about?

- Look.

Your parents are going
to love you no matter what.

I mean, no matter how
badly you screw up your life,

they're still going
to be there for you.

But if they hate me, well,
I'm out of their lives forever.

I'll never have a
chance to set foot

in that cemetery plot.

- Okay, what do
you want me to do?

- Just don't make
me the bad guy.

- Okay, but you cannot
tell them any of that stuff

that you told the
people at work.

I did not cheat on you
and I do not beat you.

- And you didn't
turn out to be a man.

- Who did you tell that to?

- Just the art department.

- Mom, Dad.

Ned and I are getting a divorce.

- A divorce?

And you choose to tell
me in front of your parents?

What's going on?

- You're getting divorced?

- Yes Daddy, we are.

Look, we've talked about
it, and we both agree

that it's really for the best.

Right, Ned?

- Why?

- My little Stacey
bird just wants to fly.

Lord knows I got to let her fly.

- You want to fly?

- Yeah.

I want to fly.

- Why do you want to fly?

- I love to fly.

- And it shows.

- Stacey, I cannot believe
that you are doing this.

- No no, you can't blame Stacey.

No, it's me.

Guess I just didn't make her
as happy as she made me.

Damn me.

- Oh Ned, you poor thing.

- I know.

Well, listen Saul, I
guess you're not going to

want me to crew
for you at the regatta.

- No, no, no, I
still want you, Ned.

- Really?

Of course.

- Dad.

Mom.

- Son.

- Ned.

- Thanks.

- Oh hey, hey Saul, Ellen.

- Mom, Dad.

What are you doing here?

It's six o'clock in the morning.

- Tell me about it.

The traffic from
Tenafly was a nightmare.

- You're not kidding, Saul.

Boy, you know your traffic.

Boy, I tell you.

- I have been up all night.

I couldn't sleep.

- What's the matter, Ma?

- Do you know what's going
on between Ned and Stacey?

- Maybe.

Do you?

- They're getting a divorce.

- Oh, that.

Oh yeah, sure, sure.

We know that, don't we?

- Oh yeah, oh
yeah, we know that.

- And you're just
going to let it happen?

- Honey, are we just
going to let that happen?

- Well, yeah, what
else can we do?

- What else, I don't know.

- You can try to talk some
sense into your sister.

- Yes, she's throwing
away a wonderful man

so she can be some
stupid crazy bird and fly.

- Well, I tried to
talk to her, Ma.

But you know Stacey.

- What did you say?

I want to know exactly
what you said to her.

- I said,

"Don't divorce Ned.

"He's a good driver."

- You didn't say what a
wonderful man Ned is?

What a gentle soul Ned is?

What a sensitive, caring...

- Yeah, I said that.

I said Ned is fabulous.

I said Ned is the finest
man I have ever met.

I wish I was married
to Ned, right?

- She says that all the time.

- Well, your father
and I have talked it over

and we're not
moving to Florida now.

- What?

- Yeah, we'll probably lose
the deposit on the condo,

but your mother wants to stay.

- Oh Mom, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't rearrange
your life over this.

- What life?

Our life is our children.

Stacey needs us now.

- No.

I swear, she doesn't.

Take my word for it.

- Oh stop.

You know, you're too
wrapped up in your little

donut shop to try and
save your sister's marriage.

- Look, it's a muffin shop
and there is no marriage.

- Oh boy.

- What?

- What are you talking about?

- Have a seat, Ma.

- Somebody wipe it off first?

I can't believe this.

- The whole wedding, a sham.

- It was a lovely affair though.

I danced and danced.

- Stacey, why won't you
let the rabbi counsel us?

Hey, hello Saul, hello Ellen.

Boy, I sure could use
a hug right about now.

Something wrong?

- Amanda told us
your marriage is a fake.

- What?

She made it up.

It's their marriage that's fake.

Eric's gay.

Go with me on this one.

- Yeah, I'm,

no, no.

- Cookie?

Is this true?

- Well.

Yes, but,

oh Daddy, I am so sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.

- Yeah well, I got to tell you.

It hurts.

- So, I think I'd like
to go home now.

Let's go.

- Saul, what about the regatta?

Eric?

Yeah?

- Would you like
to be my first mate?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

- How could you do this?

- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

They just started talking
about not moving to Florida.

It just slipped out.

- You have just
always loved getting me

into trouble, haven't you?

- What?

Stacey, I have been
lying to cover up

this stupid fake
marriage for two years.

- Well, I would've
happily lied for you,

but you chose to go
into a real marriage.

I respected your
choice but obviously

you couldn't respect mine.

- Oh my god.

- And what were you doing
while all this was going on?

- I was distracted by my
double life as a gay man.

No, I'm glad they finally know.

It's time Saul and
Ellen knew the truth.

- How conveniently that
that worked out for you,

Mister First Mate.

- Yeah, damn it, I'm the
real son in law here, buddy.

Before you came along,
he ignored me a lot less.

- I can't help it
if I'm charming.

I can't just turn it off
and on like a spigot.

Get out.

I do.

I do.

I do.

- Oh god, she has
been like this all day.

- I didn't know you had a
copy of our wedding video.

- I don't, she keeps
a copy in her purse.

I proudly pronounce
you husband and wife.

- You see?

You see what telling
the truth gets you?

- Oh god, for the
millionth time, Stacey.

I'm sorry, all right?

If I could undo all
of this, I would gladly

go along with your stupid
lies for the rest of my life.

I proudly pronounce
you husband and wife.

I proudly pronounce
you husband and wife.

- Mom?

It's me, Stacey.

- Amanda, Mommy
needs another martini.

- Mom.

Come on.

Please, look at me, come on.

Can't we talk about this?

- A fake marriage?

Who does that?

It's like that movie.

- What movie?

- The one with that
girl with the hair.

- Julia Roberts?

- No, no, with the curly hair.

- Andie MacDowell.

- Yeah, that's it.

That's it, and that
French fellow was

in it too, right?

What's his name, Don Pardo?

- Gerard Depardieu.

- No.
- Yes.

- Well, what movie
was it, Blue Velvet?

- Green Card.

- All right.

Coming about.

- Coming about.

- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.

- Okay, and that one's
going to handle the boom.

Maybe you better
just man the tiller.

- No, no, no, I can
handle the boom.

Tell me what the boom is again?

- It's the thing that
just hit you in the head.

- Okay, so this is the boom?

What hit me in the head earlier?

- That was the tiller.

- The tiller.

I can man the tiller.

- All right, hold steady.

The trick is to lean
into it, so you better

put your back to it.

I'm trying, I can't.

Stay out of there, will you?

Before you fall overboard.

All right, I'm sorry.

- Okay, okay, I'll handle it.

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I don't know
how to turn a flibber

or jam a flammer.

I'm not the sailor, I'm not Ned.

I'm just your lousy
son in law who's losing

the race for you.

- Oh no, no, no,
no, you're fine.

Okay, so you're not Ned.

So what?

- Excuse me.

I think I have
something in my eye.

♪ Sexy man on
a boat and he's just

♪ Yar har har and a bottle of

♪ Dessert Riesling

- Ned?

What are you doing here?

- Well, I was just walking
the docks last evening,

and decided to
drown my sorrows in a

bottle of Dessert Riesling.

Then I fell asleep
in the galley.

Listen, I don't
like to complain.

Somebody threw up
right where I was sleeping.

Whoa, whoa.

Well, isn't this awkward
and uncomfortable?

- Ma, please, come on.

You're going to have
to forgive me someday.

- Tell me, what did I
ever do to make you

want to hurt me like this?

- Oh my god, and you
wonder why I married

a stranger to get
out of the house.

- That's it.

I no longer have a daughter.

- Hello?

- Mom, you are blowing
this so out of proportion.

- My daughter
hates me, lies to me.

I might as well kill myself.

- Oh Mom, don't kill yourself.

- Why not, what
have I got to live for?

- Oh Mom, that is so ridiculous.

You have a lot to live for.

- What, you tell me
what I've got to live for.

- Well, Dad.

And your friends.

- I'm not interested anymore.

- Florida, your new condo.

- I don't care.

- What about your
new grandchild?

- You're having a baby?

- Me, no.

She is.

- You're having a baby?

- What?

- I'm so sorry.

I know you wanted to tell her
the good news yourself, but.

- You're having a baby.

How wonderful.

Oh, I've got people to call.
- No.

- A baby.
- No.

- Look Saul, I'm
telling you the truth.

The only good thing
that ever came out of that

stupid fake marriage was
meeting you and Ellen.

I swear it.

Well, that and, you
know, the promotion I got.

And, well the
raise was nice too.

Let's just say those
things don't hurt you

with the ladies, if you
get my meaning, huh?

- Excuse me, I'm
trying to win a race here.

- Saul?

- Hey, hey, hey.

We are talking here, okay buddy?

- You lied to me, Ned.

I can't trust anything
that was between us.

- Excuse me.

- Hey, hey, Gilligan.

We're talking, all right?

- I just thought you
might like to know

that we're sinking.

- What?

- There's about 10
inches of water down there

and it's coming in fast.

- Where, is there a hole?

- No, it's just coming and
seeping in from everywhere.

- What about my curtains?

How did this happen?

- Maybe it's time for
me to come clean too.

Look.

This is embarrassing,
but I really don't know

anything about rebuilding boats.

- Really?

- Yeah, well maybe we
both lied just so we could

spend more time together.

- Dad.

- Son.

- Will you stop hugging?

We're sinking, shouldn't
we radio for help?

- Yeah, that's a good idea.

Hey, did you get that radio?

- Me?

Yeah.

- I thought you
were going to get...

- Help!

Help!

- Isn't this great?

You and Dad are still
friends, and my mother

isn't depressed anymore.

- Wow, everything
is just perfect.

- Oh, this is from
Mrs. Goldberg.

- Thank you.

I'm going to kill you, Stacey.

- Oh, that's just the
hormones talking.

- Well, I guess
we lost the race.

- Yeah we did, but
we gave it a hell of

a shot, didn't we?

- Guys I think I see some
sharks heading our way.

- You better get that
harpoon gun you packed, Ned.

- Me?

- Yeah.

- I thought you packed
the harpoon gun.

- Now that we're about
ready to be shark food,

I have nothing to hide.

I'm gay.

- We knew that.

Whoa, goodnight.