Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 21 - Skippy's Revenge - full transcript
Kirkland's son, Skip, is derailing Ned's brilliant advertising pitches. Stacey is being forced to write yet more fluff. And Amanda still isn't pregnant. All of which leads to copious (attempted) muffin squashing.
- Morning.
- Morning.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
- It was business.
- Strictly business.
Here's the deal, to
get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
Right, enjoy the show.
- And then, celebrity
spokesperson points
at what appears to
be an empty pedestal
and says, Microdrive superchip,
the biggest thing
you've never seen.
- Clever, clever.
- It's simple, it's classy.
And I believe a gentleman
from the accounting department
can confirm that we'll
bring it in under budget.
Can you do that for me, sir?
- Yes, absolutely.
- And, sir, am I
correct in saying
that you and I have never
met before today's meeting?
- That's correct.
- Sir.
- Yeah.
- I don't think you
wanna be leaving
the meeting today
without your wristwatch.
There it is, let's
give him a big hand.
He's been a good
sport, hasn't he?
- Enough.
Now, I think Ned has
a top-flight idea here,
and if everyone's onboard,
I think we can move on this.
- Actually, Dad, I'd like to
toss in a couple thoughts,
if that's okay.
- Course it is.
Ned, it's okay with
you if Skip puts in
a little thing or
two here, is it?
- Absolutely.
Oh, Skip, I think it's
wonderful that you've come
to the agency to follow in
the footsteps of your father.
It seems like just
a couple years ago
you were running around
the office in your diapers,
huh, a little tyke.
And now, well, it's your
father wearing the diapers.
Huh, huh?
- Ned, hold it, will you?
Go ahead, Skip.
- Well, Ned, at the risk of
sounding like the new guy,
which I am, these celebrity
spots you've pitched
strike me as kind of,
I don't know, lifeless.
I mean, given our target demo,
wouldn't it make more sense
to spend a little extra money
on a high-tech visual approach
with, you know,
morphing and whatnot?
- That's interesting.
- Pat, look, I'm telling you,
celebrity spokesperson
is the way to go here.
- Ned, you're probably right.
I mean, I'm just
John Q. Idiot, but
could it hurt to give
us a few options?
- Yes.
- Ned, give us a few options.
- Say, Ned, I know
I'm just John Q. Idiot,
but can you show
us some options.
Uh, yeah, Ned, I
think my son's right.
Can you show us some options?
Sure, you know,
how about the old
giant fist flying
outta the sky option?
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
What's your problem?
- What's my problem?
Stacey? Yes, Mr. Pace.
Stop writing that
interesting expose
and get to work
on a fluffy interview
with some stupid
celebrity, okay?
Thanks.
- Doesn't anybody eat
these things anymore?
I mean, I know they
look like puppets,
but I swear, they're
good with butter.
- Hey, Ned.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, honey, did
you take the test?
- Yeah.
- And?
- And for the 15th straight
month, I'm not pregnant.
- Damn!
- What's the matter?
- Oh, I got her not
pregnant again.
- My God, it has been so long.
Do you have any idea
what the problem is?
- No, I mean, maybe
one of the ducts in there
is clogged or
disconnected, I don't know.
- So then the Ferrari morphs
back into the superchip,
and leaps back into the computer
just as the cleaning
woman opens the office door.
It's creative, it's fun.
It's chock full o' morphing.
- I like it, any thoughts?
- Well, Ned, it's cute,
but it's not quite what
I had in my mind's eye.
- Well, maybe your
mind's eye fell out,
rolled across the floor, huh?
Here, mind's eye, here,
mind's eye, here, boy.
- Look, Dad, no offense to Ned,
but maybe you should
give one of the younger guys
in creative a shot at this.
- Maybe, maybe.
- Skip.
Could I talk to you outside
for a second please?
- Oh, sure, Ned.
- Thanks.
Be right back, talk
amongst yourselves.
Okay, what's going on here?
- What do you mean?
- I think you know what I mean.
You've had it in for me
ever since you got here.
What's going on?
- You don't even
remember, do you?
- What?
- It was 14 years ago.
- Doug, we've got
to start by making
some sweeping
changes around here.
Listen, people are
beginning to say that our
creative department
is losing steam.
Skippy, be quiet, please.
The first priority is to get
some killer campaign going
for the Sergio Valente Jeans.
- Mr. Kirkland?
- Excuse me, Doug, yes?
- You know, for the
Serge Valente campaign?
- Yes?
- You should consider
Christopher Cross for the jingle.
- Who is he?
- Oh, he's only a musical
genius who's music
will live forever.
- Oh, really, thank
you very much.
What's your name, young man?
- Ned Dorsinski.
- It is very nice to have
made your acquaintance.
Skippy, I've told you 100 times
not to make noise
while Daddy is working.
And be careful of that
vase, it's very expensive.
Thank you again, young man.
- No problem.
- Doug, a young man
here just has come up with
a rather terrific idea.
What happened?
What happened?
- He broke your vase.
Your father told you
not to play around it
because it's expensive.
- But.
- No buts about it, I
mean this is the last straw.
You are going to
go to military school.
- But, Daddy, he did it.
- Oh, lying too.
Six years at the Citadel
will teach him some honesty.
- Just sit down
now, just sit down
and let me finish my work.
- But Daddy, don't send
me to military school.
No, Daddy, don't
send me, I love you.
- I think you've got an earwig
eating its way
through your brain.
Because as I remember it,
it went a little
bit more like this.
- Come up with a
rather terrific idea, I think.
What happened?
What happened?
- He broke your vase.
So maybe you're
right, what's your point?
- I was put through
hell in that school.
I was separated from my family
and forced to endure
long bizarre hazing rituals,
often with homoerotic
undertones.
- So far, I'm not
hearing a downside.
- I never stopped thinking
about what you did to me.
Even as I was forced
to do naked pushups
while broad-shouldered
cadets whipped
my buttocks with
a willow switch.
- Still not hearing
that downside.
- I hate you, Ned.
And I will ruin you.
- Well, let's just
go back inside
and we'll see about that.
Pat, I'm sorry I have to
put you in this position,
but it is clear to me now
that Skippy and I can
no longer work together.
- Really, I'm stunned.
- Well, you know
it's all for the best.
I think Skippy will
be much better off
at another agency,
where he doesn't have
to work under you
immense shadow.
- Skip is very important to
the future of this company.
I want him here.
- But,
I just said I can't
work with him.
- I'm afraid that's your choice.
- Pat, how can you pick him?
I'm your golden boy.
He's fresh outta college.
For God's sake,
you can still smell
the bong resin on him.
- Sorry, Ned.
- Fine.
Then I quit.
That's right, I quit.
And I'm gonna start my own
agency, and I'm gonna take
all the best people with me.
Who wants to come with
Ned Dorsey to a new agency
in a cool loft in SoHo?
Where we'll have
ponytails and pierced ears
and throw Frisbees to
dogs wearing bandannas?
- Well, there's
your answer, Ned.
- What about you, Rico?
You wanna remain a
faceless nameless cog
for the rest of your life?
- Well, no.
- Or do you wanna
stand up and be a man?
- Yeah, I think I do.
- Do you wanna walk proud, Rico?
Do you wanna stand tall, Rico?
Do you wanna be free, Rico?
- Yes, yes.
- Then take my hand.
And together we'll build the
agency from the ground up.
And we'll live,
dammit, we'll live.
- I'll do it.
I'll live, dammit, I'll live.
I hope I like it.
- And you can call
security if you want.
But this Danish is mine.
- Ned, this is so exciting,
our own ad agency.
This is, I got chills,
I'm walking on air.
Should we go get
our own office space?
- No, no, I was bluffing.
- You were bluffing?
Oh yeah.
- Ned, I just quit
my job for you.
- Rico, don't worry
about it, okay.
Kirkland's gonna come
through that door any minute
and offer me my job back.
- He's not gonna
offer me my job back.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I'll put in a good word for you.
- Ned.
- Look, neither one of us
are gonna lose our jobs, okay?
Because he's gonna come
through that door, I'm telling you.
In T minus three,
two,
one.
T minus three,
two,
one.
I gotta get this thing checked.
I can't.
- I know, I know.
Uncle Ned's here for you.
Shh, let me rock you.
Come on, be a man.
Come on, be a man.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Amanda.
- Um, honey, would
you come here a minute?
I've got a little news for you.
- Yeah, okay, I've got
some news for you too,
but you go ahead, you go first.
- Well, I was feeling a
little nauseous this morning,
so I took another test,
just for the hell of it,
and
I'm pregnant.
- Really?
Yeah.
- And I'm the father?
- Most likely.
- That's great,
honey, that's great.
- What's your news?
- Oh, I have no job.
- What?
You were fired?
- No no no, well,
actually I quit,
but only because Ned whipped
me into a cult-like frenzy.
- Hey, I only made the
Kool-Aid, he drank it.
- What did you do?
- Hey, Kirkland's son
was jerking me around,
so I quit my job and
took Eric with me.
- What?
- Well, Ned, you have
had a very busy day.
You've lost your job,
you lost your
best friend his job,
and you took food out of the
mouth of their unborn infant.
- Now comes Miller Time.
- It's not funny.
- Look, I'm not gonna leave
you guys high and dry, okay?
I'll think of something.
- Yeah, like what?
- Look, I said I was gonna
start my own agency,
and dammit that's
what I'm gonna do.
The first thing I'm
gonna do is steal
the Microdrive account
from the old agency.
Do the campaign the
way I wanted to, you in?
- You're not bluffing
again, are you?
Because I don't want
my wife to see me cry.
- No, I'm not bluffing.
I'm gonna do it for
you, do it for me,
do it for little Ned or Nedina.
- Oh, I promise you, I
am going to give you folks
at Microdrive the best
campaign you've had.
No, no, you won't regret
leaving Kirkland and Haywood.
You know, to be
quite honest with you,
hate to trash talk a
former employer, but
they worship Satan.
Yeah, walked in on a
goat burning I did one day.
Yeah, now listen, you're
much better off with me,
Rabbi Ned Dorsey.
All right, bye-bye.
- Morning.
Morning.
- Sorry I'm late, but
that traffic, whoo.
- Well, the only thing you
missed was the staff meeting.
Just as well, I had
it in the shower.
- Ned, you know, I wanted
to talk to you about my salary.
It's really tough for me to get
by on what you're paying me.
- Hey, listen, Rico,
this is hardly the time
or the place to bring that up.
Bring it up at the next staff
meeting, and bring a loofa.
- Ned, now come on, I'm serious.
- Listen, man, once the
Microdrive account hits,
this little agency of ours,
we'll be doing about
200 million a year.
And you, you my friend
are gonna be earning
close to your old salary.
- You know, I was kinda
hoping that I would...
- No no, the smile on
your face is thanks enough.
Okay, back to work, pal.
- Ned?
- Yeah, Eric.
- What about that
celebrity spokesman?
You found anybody yet?
- No.
Everybody's either too
expensive, unavailable,
or they won't return
my phone calls.
Hey what about that
Christopher Cross?
- I told you he's a superstar,
he's not gonna do this.
Besides, we need somebody older,
distinguished, trustworthy.
Ned?
- Yeah, oh, hi.
- Need to use the bathroom.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- I am so sorry about
this, Mr. Bridges.
- No problem.
- It's just that this morning
I was in such a hurry
to get to our appointment
that I forget my tape recorder.
You do not wanna be
misquoted in an airline magazine.
- No problem.
- Okay, why don't
you take a seat,
and I will be just one minute.
- Thank you.
- Oh, by the way, Mr. Bridges,
I just love your sons,
Alec and Stephen.
- Hey, how you doing, Holmes?
You're Lloyd Bridges.
- Yes.
- This is an
amazing coincidence.
I work in advertising,
and I'm doing a campaign
where I have to hire someone
who's distinguished
and trustworthy.
- Oh?
- Do you know Gavin MacLeod?
- So, for software,
for hardware, for everywhere,
look for the
Microdrive superchip.
It's the biggest thing
you've never seen.
- All right.
- All right.
- I'm proud of you.
- Thank you, I love me.
- Congratulations, buddy,
you really pulled it off.
- You sure did.
- Well, in spite of
this massive triumph,
I just want you to
know I'm gonna remain
the same old Ned Dorsey.
- Oh, whew.
Hey, Ned, Eric's got
something he wants to tell you.
- Oh no no, not now, Amanda.
- No, go ahead.
Say it.
Say it, say it.
Say it, say it.
- Are you through?
- Say it.
- Ned, you know, I
stuck my neck out there
right along with yours,
and I think I deserve
to be more than
just your employee.
I think I deserve
to be your partner.
- Partner?
As in, the cowboy sense,
like, say, partner,
let's mosey on down
to the office where
you're my employee?
- No, as in receiving
17 and half percent
of adjusted gross profits.
- Okay.
- As determined by
an independent audit.
- Damn!
- Oh what the heck, okay.
- All right, thank you, partner.
Hey, next round's on me.
- Listen, I'll be back
in just a second.
Well, if it isn't John Q. Idiot.
How you doing, John Q.?
- Hello, Ned.
- Did you guys come to help
me celebrate mon triomphe,
or is this place
hiring bus help?
- Actually, it's just a very
unpleasant coincidence.
- Well, those are the best kind.
Skippy, what did you do?
- Ned, I think you
might wanna see this.
- What, is my
commercial playing again?
- Not exactly.
- The veteran star of
Airplane and TV's Sea Hunt
was apprehended today
after he allegedly tried
to leave the store
without paying
for a silver picture frame.
- Well, probably just
a misunderstanding.
- A search of his person
revealed seven sweaters,
gourmet food and various jewelry
from a professional shop
which was called Fake Tommy.
- Stop it.
How are they treating you?
Leave me alone.
Mr. Bridges, comment please.
- The Microdrive
Corporation, for which Bridges
recently became
spokesperson announced today
it is immediately pulling
a multimillion-dollar
ad campaign.
- Bad luck, old man.
- Hey.
- Uh.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, I was just imagining
what it would be like
to jump off, plummet 14 stories
and land on Lloyd Bridges.
- Look, everything's
gonna be fine.
- Stacey, I am the laughingstock
of the advertising industry.
And my old agency is suing me
for stealing the
Microdrive account.
Plus side, Lloyd shoplifted
me a really nice ashtray.
- And Eric got his old job back.
That's good too, isn't it?
- No.
Now I have to plan the corporate
softball championship alone.
- Actually, it's amazing
that the two of you
made it to the finals.
Look, come on, cheer up.
This was just one of
those crazy, fluky things.
- I know.
I mean, how could anyone
have known that Lloyd Bridges
was a cross-dressing
kleptomaniacal
Nazi memorabilia collector?
- Actually, I knew.
- What?
- Oh yeah, Lloyd told me all
about it during our interview.
- Stacey, why
didn't you tell me?
- Oh, well, he wanted
it off the record.
As a professional journalist,
I had to respect that.
I did.
I think I'm just gonna
go back in now.
- The problem could be
you, man with the moldy gun.
Listen, you need
any help in that area,
you know I'm always
available to step in.
- Hey listen, Amanda, if you
need some help in that area.
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
- Good night.
- Morning.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
- It was business.
- Strictly business.
Here's the deal, to
get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other.
Right, enjoy the show.
- And then, celebrity
spokesperson points
at what appears to
be an empty pedestal
and says, Microdrive superchip,
the biggest thing
you've never seen.
- Clever, clever.
- It's simple, it's classy.
And I believe a gentleman
from the accounting department
can confirm that we'll
bring it in under budget.
Can you do that for me, sir?
- Yes, absolutely.
- And, sir, am I
correct in saying
that you and I have never
met before today's meeting?
- That's correct.
- Sir.
- Yeah.
- I don't think you
wanna be leaving
the meeting today
without your wristwatch.
There it is, let's
give him a big hand.
He's been a good
sport, hasn't he?
- Enough.
Now, I think Ned has
a top-flight idea here,
and if everyone's onboard,
I think we can move on this.
- Actually, Dad, I'd like to
toss in a couple thoughts,
if that's okay.
- Course it is.
Ned, it's okay with
you if Skip puts in
a little thing or
two here, is it?
- Absolutely.
Oh, Skip, I think it's
wonderful that you've come
to the agency to follow in
the footsteps of your father.
It seems like just
a couple years ago
you were running around
the office in your diapers,
huh, a little tyke.
And now, well, it's your
father wearing the diapers.
Huh, huh?
- Ned, hold it, will you?
Go ahead, Skip.
- Well, Ned, at the risk of
sounding like the new guy,
which I am, these celebrity
spots you've pitched
strike me as kind of,
I don't know, lifeless.
I mean, given our target demo,
wouldn't it make more sense
to spend a little extra money
on a high-tech visual approach
with, you know,
morphing and whatnot?
- That's interesting.
- Pat, look, I'm telling you,
celebrity spokesperson
is the way to go here.
- Ned, you're probably right.
I mean, I'm just
John Q. Idiot, but
could it hurt to give
us a few options?
- Yes.
- Ned, give us a few options.
- Say, Ned, I know
I'm just John Q. Idiot,
but can you show
us some options.
Uh, yeah, Ned, I
think my son's right.
Can you show us some options?
Sure, you know,
how about the old
giant fist flying
outta the sky option?
Oh yeah, oh yeah.
What's your problem?
- What's my problem?
Stacey? Yes, Mr. Pace.
Stop writing that
interesting expose
and get to work
on a fluffy interview
with some stupid
celebrity, okay?
Thanks.
- Doesn't anybody eat
these things anymore?
I mean, I know they
look like puppets,
but I swear, they're
good with butter.
- Hey, Ned.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, honey, did
you take the test?
- Yeah.
- And?
- And for the 15th straight
month, I'm not pregnant.
- Damn!
- What's the matter?
- Oh, I got her not
pregnant again.
- My God, it has been so long.
Do you have any idea
what the problem is?
- No, I mean, maybe
one of the ducts in there
is clogged or
disconnected, I don't know.
- So then the Ferrari morphs
back into the superchip,
and leaps back into the computer
just as the cleaning
woman opens the office door.
It's creative, it's fun.
It's chock full o' morphing.
- I like it, any thoughts?
- Well, Ned, it's cute,
but it's not quite what
I had in my mind's eye.
- Well, maybe your
mind's eye fell out,
rolled across the floor, huh?
Here, mind's eye, here,
mind's eye, here, boy.
- Look, Dad, no offense to Ned,
but maybe you should
give one of the younger guys
in creative a shot at this.
- Maybe, maybe.
- Skip.
Could I talk to you outside
for a second please?
- Oh, sure, Ned.
- Thanks.
Be right back, talk
amongst yourselves.
Okay, what's going on here?
- What do you mean?
- I think you know what I mean.
You've had it in for me
ever since you got here.
What's going on?
- You don't even
remember, do you?
- What?
- It was 14 years ago.
- Doug, we've got
to start by making
some sweeping
changes around here.
Listen, people are
beginning to say that our
creative department
is losing steam.
Skippy, be quiet, please.
The first priority is to get
some killer campaign going
for the Sergio Valente Jeans.
- Mr. Kirkland?
- Excuse me, Doug, yes?
- You know, for the
Serge Valente campaign?
- Yes?
- You should consider
Christopher Cross for the jingle.
- Who is he?
- Oh, he's only a musical
genius who's music
will live forever.
- Oh, really, thank
you very much.
What's your name, young man?
- Ned Dorsinski.
- It is very nice to have
made your acquaintance.
Skippy, I've told you 100 times
not to make noise
while Daddy is working.
And be careful of that
vase, it's very expensive.
Thank you again, young man.
- No problem.
- Doug, a young man
here just has come up with
a rather terrific idea.
What happened?
What happened?
- He broke your vase.
Your father told you
not to play around it
because it's expensive.
- But.
- No buts about it, I
mean this is the last straw.
You are going to
go to military school.
- But, Daddy, he did it.
- Oh, lying too.
Six years at the Citadel
will teach him some honesty.
- Just sit down
now, just sit down
and let me finish my work.
- But Daddy, don't send
me to military school.
No, Daddy, don't
send me, I love you.
- I think you've got an earwig
eating its way
through your brain.
Because as I remember it,
it went a little
bit more like this.
- Come up with a
rather terrific idea, I think.
What happened?
What happened?
- He broke your vase.
So maybe you're
right, what's your point?
- I was put through
hell in that school.
I was separated from my family
and forced to endure
long bizarre hazing rituals,
often with homoerotic
undertones.
- So far, I'm not
hearing a downside.
- I never stopped thinking
about what you did to me.
Even as I was forced
to do naked pushups
while broad-shouldered
cadets whipped
my buttocks with
a willow switch.
- Still not hearing
that downside.
- I hate you, Ned.
And I will ruin you.
- Well, let's just
go back inside
and we'll see about that.
Pat, I'm sorry I have to
put you in this position,
but it is clear to me now
that Skippy and I can
no longer work together.
- Really, I'm stunned.
- Well, you know
it's all for the best.
I think Skippy will
be much better off
at another agency,
where he doesn't have
to work under you
immense shadow.
- Skip is very important to
the future of this company.
I want him here.
- But,
I just said I can't
work with him.
- I'm afraid that's your choice.
- Pat, how can you pick him?
I'm your golden boy.
He's fresh outta college.
For God's sake,
you can still smell
the bong resin on him.
- Sorry, Ned.
- Fine.
Then I quit.
That's right, I quit.
And I'm gonna start my own
agency, and I'm gonna take
all the best people with me.
Who wants to come with
Ned Dorsey to a new agency
in a cool loft in SoHo?
Where we'll have
ponytails and pierced ears
and throw Frisbees to
dogs wearing bandannas?
- Well, there's
your answer, Ned.
- What about you, Rico?
You wanna remain a
faceless nameless cog
for the rest of your life?
- Well, no.
- Or do you wanna
stand up and be a man?
- Yeah, I think I do.
- Do you wanna walk proud, Rico?
Do you wanna stand tall, Rico?
Do you wanna be free, Rico?
- Yes, yes.
- Then take my hand.
And together we'll build the
agency from the ground up.
And we'll live,
dammit, we'll live.
- I'll do it.
I'll live, dammit, I'll live.
I hope I like it.
- And you can call
security if you want.
But this Danish is mine.
- Ned, this is so exciting,
our own ad agency.
This is, I got chills,
I'm walking on air.
Should we go get
our own office space?
- No, no, I was bluffing.
- You were bluffing?
Oh yeah.
- Ned, I just quit
my job for you.
- Rico, don't worry
about it, okay.
Kirkland's gonna come
through that door any minute
and offer me my job back.
- He's not gonna
offer me my job back.
- Hey, hey, hey.
I'll put in a good word for you.
- Ned.
- Look, neither one of us
are gonna lose our jobs, okay?
Because he's gonna come
through that door, I'm telling you.
In T minus three,
two,
one.
T minus three,
two,
one.
I gotta get this thing checked.
I can't.
- I know, I know.
Uncle Ned's here for you.
Shh, let me rock you.
Come on, be a man.
Come on, be a man.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Amanda.
- Um, honey, would
you come here a minute?
I've got a little news for you.
- Yeah, okay, I've got
some news for you too,
but you go ahead, you go first.
- Well, I was feeling a
little nauseous this morning,
so I took another test,
just for the hell of it,
and
I'm pregnant.
- Really?
Yeah.
- And I'm the father?
- Most likely.
- That's great,
honey, that's great.
- What's your news?
- Oh, I have no job.
- What?
You were fired?
- No no no, well,
actually I quit,
but only because Ned whipped
me into a cult-like frenzy.
- Hey, I only made the
Kool-Aid, he drank it.
- What did you do?
- Hey, Kirkland's son
was jerking me around,
so I quit my job and
took Eric with me.
- What?
- Well, Ned, you have
had a very busy day.
You've lost your job,
you lost your
best friend his job,
and you took food out of the
mouth of their unborn infant.
- Now comes Miller Time.
- It's not funny.
- Look, I'm not gonna leave
you guys high and dry, okay?
I'll think of something.
- Yeah, like what?
- Look, I said I was gonna
start my own agency,
and dammit that's
what I'm gonna do.
The first thing I'm
gonna do is steal
the Microdrive account
from the old agency.
Do the campaign the
way I wanted to, you in?
- You're not bluffing
again, are you?
Because I don't want
my wife to see me cry.
- No, I'm not bluffing.
I'm gonna do it for
you, do it for me,
do it for little Ned or Nedina.
- Oh, I promise you, I
am going to give you folks
at Microdrive the best
campaign you've had.
No, no, you won't regret
leaving Kirkland and Haywood.
You know, to be
quite honest with you,
hate to trash talk a
former employer, but
they worship Satan.
Yeah, walked in on a
goat burning I did one day.
Yeah, now listen, you're
much better off with me,
Rabbi Ned Dorsey.
All right, bye-bye.
- Morning.
Morning.
- Sorry I'm late, but
that traffic, whoo.
- Well, the only thing you
missed was the staff meeting.
Just as well, I had
it in the shower.
- Ned, you know, I wanted
to talk to you about my salary.
It's really tough for me to get
by on what you're paying me.
- Hey, listen, Rico,
this is hardly the time
or the place to bring that up.
Bring it up at the next staff
meeting, and bring a loofa.
- Ned, now come on, I'm serious.
- Listen, man, once the
Microdrive account hits,
this little agency of ours,
we'll be doing about
200 million a year.
And you, you my friend
are gonna be earning
close to your old salary.
- You know, I was kinda
hoping that I would...
- No no, the smile on
your face is thanks enough.
Okay, back to work, pal.
- Ned?
- Yeah, Eric.
- What about that
celebrity spokesman?
You found anybody yet?
- No.
Everybody's either too
expensive, unavailable,
or they won't return
my phone calls.
Hey what about that
Christopher Cross?
- I told you he's a superstar,
he's not gonna do this.
Besides, we need somebody older,
distinguished, trustworthy.
Ned?
- Yeah, oh, hi.
- Need to use the bathroom.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- I am so sorry about
this, Mr. Bridges.
- No problem.
- It's just that this morning
I was in such a hurry
to get to our appointment
that I forget my tape recorder.
You do not wanna be
misquoted in an airline magazine.
- No problem.
- Okay, why don't
you take a seat,
and I will be just one minute.
- Thank you.
- Oh, by the way, Mr. Bridges,
I just love your sons,
Alec and Stephen.
- Hey, how you doing, Holmes?
You're Lloyd Bridges.
- Yes.
- This is an
amazing coincidence.
I work in advertising,
and I'm doing a campaign
where I have to hire someone
who's distinguished
and trustworthy.
- Oh?
- Do you know Gavin MacLeod?
- So, for software,
for hardware, for everywhere,
look for the
Microdrive superchip.
It's the biggest thing
you've never seen.
- All right.
- All right.
- I'm proud of you.
- Thank you, I love me.
- Congratulations, buddy,
you really pulled it off.
- You sure did.
- Well, in spite of
this massive triumph,
I just want you to
know I'm gonna remain
the same old Ned Dorsey.
- Oh, whew.
Hey, Ned, Eric's got
something he wants to tell you.
- Oh no no, not now, Amanda.
- No, go ahead.
Say it.
Say it, say it.
Say it, say it.
- Are you through?
- Say it.
- Ned, you know, I
stuck my neck out there
right along with yours,
and I think I deserve
to be more than
just your employee.
I think I deserve
to be your partner.
- Partner?
As in, the cowboy sense,
like, say, partner,
let's mosey on down
to the office where
you're my employee?
- No, as in receiving
17 and half percent
of adjusted gross profits.
- Okay.
- As determined by
an independent audit.
- Damn!
- Oh what the heck, okay.
- All right, thank you, partner.
Hey, next round's on me.
- Listen, I'll be back
in just a second.
Well, if it isn't John Q. Idiot.
How you doing, John Q.?
- Hello, Ned.
- Did you guys come to help
me celebrate mon triomphe,
or is this place
hiring bus help?
- Actually, it's just a very
unpleasant coincidence.
- Well, those are the best kind.
Skippy, what did you do?
- Ned, I think you
might wanna see this.
- What, is my
commercial playing again?
- Not exactly.
- The veteran star of
Airplane and TV's Sea Hunt
was apprehended today
after he allegedly tried
to leave the store
without paying
for a silver picture frame.
- Well, probably just
a misunderstanding.
- A search of his person
revealed seven sweaters,
gourmet food and various jewelry
from a professional shop
which was called Fake Tommy.
- Stop it.
How are they treating you?
Leave me alone.
Mr. Bridges, comment please.
- The Microdrive
Corporation, for which Bridges
recently became
spokesperson announced today
it is immediately pulling
a multimillion-dollar
ad campaign.
- Bad luck, old man.
- Hey.
- Uh.
- What are you doing?
- Oh, I was just imagining
what it would be like
to jump off, plummet 14 stories
and land on Lloyd Bridges.
- Look, everything's
gonna be fine.
- Stacey, I am the laughingstock
of the advertising industry.
And my old agency is suing me
for stealing the
Microdrive account.
Plus side, Lloyd shoplifted
me a really nice ashtray.
- And Eric got his old job back.
That's good too, isn't it?
- No.
Now I have to plan the corporate
softball championship alone.
- Actually, it's amazing
that the two of you
made it to the finals.
Look, come on, cheer up.
This was just one of
those crazy, fluky things.
- I know.
I mean, how could anyone
have known that Lloyd Bridges
was a cross-dressing
kleptomaniacal
Nazi memorabilia collector?
- Actually, I knew.
- What?
- Oh yeah, Lloyd told me all
about it during our interview.
- Stacey, why
didn't you tell me?
- Oh, well, he wanted
it off the record.
As a professional journalist,
I had to respect that.
I did.
I think I'm just gonna
go back in now.
- The problem could be
you, man with the moldy gun.
Listen, you need
any help in that area,
you know I'm always
available to step in.
- Hey listen, Amanda, if you
need some help in that area.
- Sorry.
- I'm sorry, I'm
sorry, I'm sorry.
- Good night.