Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 2, Episode 2 - Dorsey vs. Dorsey - full transcript
After throwing Stacey out, Ned goes nuts turning her room into a game room. Stacey moves in with Alex and she gets a lawyer who tells Ned that Stacey is legally entitled to her room. After an incident with Ned, Alex decides to break up Stacey. She then goes back and Ned doesn't welcome her with open arms.
- No one, I'm home!
Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common,
we irritate each other.
Right.
Enjoy the show.
- Okay, here we go, some
sweetie pie for my sweetie pie.
- Um, sure, okay.
Isn't he cute?
- Oh yeah, he's
exceptionally cute.
So things have
been going pretty well
between you two, huh?
- Oh, Eric, the last
two weeks have been
the best weeks of my life.
- Well, that's won...
- I mean finally getting
out of that ridiculous
thing with Ned
and moving in with
Alex was the smartest
thing I've ever done.
I just love this man so much.
I love you so much.
Do you love me?
- Yes, yes, I do.
- I think Mr. Tummy wants
a little more of the pudding.
- Oh, Stacey, I think
we're embarrassing Eric.
- Oh, we're not embarrassing
you, are we, Eric?
- No, no, it's just that
was my dessert, but.
- Oh.
- Oh, I am so sorry I spent so
long on the phone, you guys,
but I've been trying to
raise the down payment
for this really great
property over on Lexington.
Is there any way we
can come up with 65,000?
- Well, if we sell
everything including our son
and print some money still, no.
- God, this is killing me.
I mean, this property
is so undervalued,
I know I could turn it
over for a huge profit
if I could just get it.
- Have you tried
applying for a bank loan?
- Isn't he smart?
Uh, God.
- Anyway, I do have
a loan application in,
but I just don't think
we have the collateral
to get it approved.
Ugh, honey, I'm full.
Do you want the
rest of my dessert?
- Sure, yeah.
- Oh, that's the bank.
- Some more pudding?
- No, no, no, I'm full.
- Ned.
- Stacey.
- Ned.
- Alex.
- Ned.
- What?
- Nothing, I mean,
everybody else was, so I was.
- So Ned, you're looking well.
- As are you.
Have to tell you,
Stacey, the old apartment
just isn't the same without you.
No matter how much I
dig, I can't seem to locate
any old Band-Aids or
empty yogurt containers
between the couch cushions.
And I dig, and I dig, and I dig!
And I dig, and I dig!
- Are you through
making an ass of yourself?
- Maybe.
- All right, guys, come on,
is that really necessary?
I know this is an
awkward situation,
but can't we just handle
it like mature adults?
- I am being very
mature about it.
- Alex, what say we
get the old Wednesday
racquetball game
goin' again, huh?
- Sure, I'd like that, Ned.
- Ha ha, doesn't get much
more mature than that,
does it, missy?
- Oh yeah, if you were
so mature, then why
haven't you returned
any of my messages?
I'd like to get
this divorce going
while I'm still young
enough to enjoy it.
- Stacey, I don't have
a lot of time to waste
on boring meetings
trying to dissolve this
stupid, fake marriage.
What say I report
you missing and eaten
by a large, stupid, angry bear?
That's,
that's not funny.
- Look, I'm gonna make this
incredibly easy for you, Ned.
I'm gonna be at your
apartment tomorrow night
at seven with my lawyer.
I assume you have
your own on retainer
for all your paternity
suits and whatnot?
- I am not even
going to dignify that
remark with a response.
Rico, pull the car around.
- Actually, I came
here with Amanda.
- Fine, pull her around.
I'll be in front.
Ned?
- In the bedroom.
- What's the matter?
Why did you want
me to rush over here?
- Ugh, thanks for coming, buddy.
It's just that, you know,
this thing with Stacey,
oh, the empty
room is mocking me.
I don't know, there's
something missing in my life.
- Well, I'm glad you finally
admitted it to yourself.
What are you gonna do about it?
- Well, I've already done it.
Let the games begin!
- Good one, Ned, you
really had me goin'.
- Uh huh, hard to
tell a wild Stacey
ever bedded down here, isn't it?
Foosball table, pool
table, backgammon table,
table for bowls of
brown crunchy items,
Charlie's Angels, Charlie.
- Uh huh, but no Bosley?
- At the framers.
Okay, come on mon
plaisir, kick in a 20
and let's play pool.
- Okay, but it's only fair
to warn ya, I'm pretty bad.
- It's only fair to warn
you, I've been told I stink.
- Is that Stacey's
picture on the one ball?
- Pretty good, huh?
Wait till you see
what's on the two ball.
- So, what's going on in
your humdrum little existence?
- Oh, nothing much.
Amanda's down in the
dumps about that property
she wanted to buy.
We're never gonna
come up with the 65,000.
- 65,000 dead beaver pelts, huh?
Eh, I gotta say, I was
gonna invest in some
triple A rated bonds,
but your wife's kooky
get-rich-quick scheme
has me intrigued.
- Really, Ned,
'cause it's really not
that bad of a deal.
- Well, I'll tell ya what,
have her bring over
the specs, I'll give
'em the once over
and it wouldn't hurt for her
to wear something perty.
- For 65,000, I'll wear
something perty and do things.
- Doh!
- Hello to you too.
Hey, Stace.
- Hi.
- Stacey, how did you get in?
- I knocked, and when
you obviously didn't
hear me, I used my key.
- Rico, remind me,
change locks, dig moat,
higher piranhas,
little biting, nasty ones.
What are you doing here, Stacey?
- I told you that I
was coming over
tonight with my lawyer?
- You did?
Meh meh meh meh
meh meh meh lawyer
meh meh meh meh.
Yeah, I guess you did.
Let's get this stupid
thing over with.
- What is that?
- I think it came from
the store that way.
- Hello, I'm Ned Dorsey.
- Hello, Mr. Dorsey,
I'm Lela Cooper,
your wife's divorce attorney.
- It's God's work you're doing.
Come, let's have a seat.
- So Ned, where's your lawyer?
- Good night, Ned.
- Mr. Moyer will be
representing me in this matter.
- Ned, no, I'm not a lawyer.
- He's an accountant.
- I'm an accountant.
- What he is is a competent,
skilled professional.
Just last week, he gave
me a damn fine bikini wax.
By the way, thank you.
- Well, I just hope
you're having $250
worth of amusement,
Ned, because that's how
much you're paying Ms.
Cooper for every hour of her time.
- 250?
Hope that comes with
a pants down spankin'.
That's a good one, huh, Rico?
- That's very funny.
- Please sign here, Mr. Dorsey.
- And what is this?
- That's an RSI.
It's a standard form
indicating to the court
that both parties are
seeking dissolution.
- Oh really?
Not so fast.
- What, oh.
- Well?
- Well, it's spelling
and grammar look fine.
- Well, okay then.
- Just sign there, and
then you too, Mrs. Dorsey.
- With pleasure.
- After we file, we
should have a court date
within four to six
weeks, which will give
us plenty of time to go over
the distribution of assets.
- Distribution of
assets say you.
I say I'm the only one who
accumulated any assets.
She just sat on hers!
Get it?
Assets?
- Don't worry, Ned, I
don't want any of your
precious assets, even though
I did help you earn them.
- Oh, as if.
- I did.
- Oh really, what did you do?
- I convinced everyone
at work that you
had a loving, devoted wife!
Huh, what a
performance that was.
- Yeah, a performance,
might I add, that you stunk at.
You know, I should have
listened to my mother
and just married
an illegal alien.
- Do you see what I've
had to deal with here?
- But this conversation
is, in fact, moot.
Miss Cooper, did you
know that your client
signed a 12-page, legally
binding prenuptial agreement?
Ad hoc, propter
ad hoc, sic semper,
ad nauseum, Ed McMahon.
- Actually, Mr. Dorsey, I am
familiar with that document.
Unfortunately for
you, you rendered it
null and void when
you illegally ejected
Mrs. Dorsey from the residence.
- Serves you right, Ned.
That's what you get
for kicking someone
out of their own home.
- Look, Stacey, what
difference does it make?
You're happy living with
Alex now, remember?
- Yes, I am very happy.
But uh, maybe I want
to keep my room here
as a studio, a nice office
on the Upper East Side
to write my magazine articles.
Can I do that?
- Absolutely.
- Yay.
- And by the way,
your wife's right to use
the residence is
enforceable by court order,
contempt citation or
jail term if necessary.
- For God's sakes,
would you say something?
- Leave him alone.
- Well, I would thank
you kindly very much
if you would remove
all of your possessions
from my room by
this time tomorrow.
Oh, and Ned, why don't
you leave the paneling
up in my room.
It's cozy.
- Did we win?
- No.
- You're fired.
- Ah, Ned.
Ned?
- What?
- Ned, Ned.
- What, what?
- Ned!
The cue is hitting
me in the head!
- Well, don't stand there.
- There's no place
else to stand in here.
- All right, look,
let's don't fight.
Not much air in here.
- I still don't understand
why you didn't
put all this stuff away
in storage anyway?
- And put this stuff
in storage anyway.
Look, I am not gonna let
Stacey ruin our fun, no siree.
Now, let's go.
It's your shot.
- Ooh.
How long's your
ship in port, sailor?
- Knock knock.
I got all the specs and the
loan information right here.
- Hey!
- You are...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey
hey, hey, hey.
- This is an incredible
opportunity, Ned.
The whole block is
gonna be yuppie central.
They are opening a
Starbucks and a Gap
and a Baby Gap and a
Baby Starbucks, you name it!
They're all there.
- Fine, I'll look at it later.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
And I know you're
gonna give it a fair
and honest perusal,
Ned, because well,
that's just the
kinda guy you are.
And listen, if you
have any questions,
any time, day or night,
just feel free to call.
And Ned, if I haven't
said this before,
you're the tops!
- I love you too, honey.
- Okay, back to our
merry making, dammit!
Okay, let's play ping
pong in the closet.
Stacey, I really don't
see the point in you
keeping a room
in Ned's apartment.
- I don't care about
the room, per se.
It's simply a
matter of principle,
and also, it drives Ned crazy.
- I really wish you'd
get past this little
war you have goin' on with Ned.
- I want to, but
he's like the bully
who steals your lunch money.
If you don't stand up to him,
he'll steal your lunch money.
Who are you calling?
- Ned, I'm canceling
the racquetball game.
- No, no, that's
exactly what he'd want!
He'd want you to
back down like that.
- Stacey, I just don't
want to be in the middle
of this thing you
two have goin' on.
- No, no, no, there's no thing.
No thing, really.
Now, you like to play, so
you should go and play, okay?
Here.
Go and have fun,
and beat him for me.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
And when my
conquering hero returns,
I will have a fantastic
dinner waiting for him.
- Great.
- So what do you want, Chinese?
Okay.
- So everything
all right with you?
- Oh yeah, fine, fine.
You?
- Good, good, everything's good.
- Well, good.
- So you sure
everything's all right?
There's no hard
feelings about anything?
- No.
- Okay, 'cause you
know, Ned, I really look
forward to these
racquetball games together,
and life's just too short
not to enjoy it, right?
- Right.
- Okay, give me your best shot.
Ooh.
- Gosh, sorry.
One-nothing.
It's alive!
Come in!
Hey, Amandingo, come on in.
- Oh wow, you're in a good mood.
I like that.
So have you looked over
the real estate proposal?
- I did, and I especially liked
the personalized suck-up note.
- Aw, thanks.
So, Ned, listen, I sort
of need a decision.
They're only gonna
hold this property
for me till five o'clock, so...
- Mmm, okay.
- Really?
- Ah, I'm in, partner.
- Oh, yes!
- So you take a check now?
- Yes, check, now, good.
- Clearly, your need for money
has sucked you dry of syntax.
- You are not
gonna be sorry, Ned.
We are putting in
as much of our own
money as we could pull
together too, you know.
God, I'd say...
- Ned!
- Oh hey, Stace.
I'd say within two or three
weeks, this property's...
- Ned!
- What?
- You did it on
purpose, didn't you?
- Stacey, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
- Oh yes you do!
He hit Alex with a
racquetball down there.
- Ooh, listen, make that
out to Empire Escrow.
- He is in incredible pain, Ned.
Thank God there was
no permanent damage,
but the doctor said he
can't have sex with me
for six to eight weeks!
- Well, at least he
can thank me for that.
- You are a troubled
human being.
Stay out of my life.
- Stacey, it was an accident.
I was aiming at my own groin.
- Oh, it was no accident, Ned.
You neutered my
boyfriend to get back at me
for taking my room back.
- That is laughable.
- Check, please.
- Admit it, it's true.
You have been
messing with my life
for the sadistic pleasure of it.
- Stacey, do you think
I have nothing better
to do with my day than
to sit around thinking
of ways to mess with your life?
Come on.
- Ned?
I thought we were going
to have some snuggle time.
- Actually, Miss Cooper, no.
- I just want my money.
- You slept with my lawyer?
- I had to, I don't
have one of my own.
- Stacey, I'm so sorry.
I've never done
anything like this before.
Of course, there's no
charge for this hour.
- You know, Ned, this isn't
gonna change anything.
I'll just get a new lawyer.
- How about a
brunette this time?
- Uh, do you believe him?
I mean, what is
he gonna do next?
- What I'm going
to do next, Stacey,
is ask you to leave.
Good day.
I said good day, sir!
- What is that?
- A recipe.
- Not that it's any
of your business,
but I'm investing in
a piece of property
with your sister, Amanda.
No, you are not.
There is no way that
my sister is going to take
your blood money,
thank you very much.
Right?
- Well, of course I
don't like doing it.
- Amanda!
- Stacey, okay, you're
obviously a little upset.
Why don't you let me
take you back to Alex's?
- Okay, fine.
And you, you stay
away from me and Alex.
I'll see you in court.
- What part of good day
did you not understand, sir?
- Come on, let's
get out of here.
Amanda, you were right about him
from the very beginning.
He's just evil.
He's just pure evil.
- I know.
He's the worst, I hate him.
Just forgot my purse.
Great, I'll just grab that, hey.
This is trippy.
- You know, until
today, I never knew
how vindictive a
person Ned really was.
- Uh huh.
- I mean, when he hit
you with that racquetball,
it was really me he
was trying to hurt.
- Well, he missed.
- Here, I made you some soup.
- Thanks.
What are those?
- Matzo balls.
- Uh.
- Actually, there's
one good thing that
came out of this.
Any scintilla of feeling I ever
had for that man
is completely gone.
Actually, you know what?
I'm glad this happened.
- Stacey, listen...
- I know who he is now.
Now I know who
Ned Dorsey really is.
He's just this...
- Stacey!
- What?
- You know, I had
a lotta time to think
when I was in the ice bath.
And...
- And what?
- And I finally realized
something that I've
probably known all along.
Stacey, you and Ned
have a lot of unresolved
issues between you.
- No, no, no, no.
No, maybe he does but not me.
- No, I think you should
go back and deal with him.
- No, I am staying
right here with you.
- Stacey, go to him.
- Alex, I'm not going anywhere.
- I think you are.
- What?
Are you kicking me out?
- Well, I'm physically
incapable of doing
that right now, but I'm
hoping you'll leave anyway.
- But...
I don't understand.
I mean, I understood
when Ned kicked me out.
He's vile and
ill-tempered, but you,
you're sweet and considerate.
- Well, it takes all kinds.
- I have a gun!
It's only me, Ned.
- I have a gun.
Stacey, what are
you doing here now?
- I am moving
back in temporarily,
which is my legal right.
- What?
Why?
- Well, um, Alex and
I discussed things,
and we decided that
our relationship would
benefit from a
little more space.
You know, spent a little more
time pursuing other interests.
All right, he kicked
me out, okay?
- He kicked you out?
That son of a bitch,
he copied that from me!
- Ned, I am really
not in the mood.
I'm really tired.
I just want to go to sleep.
- Uh, well, um, did
you try the bus station?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Two-nothing.
Three-nothing.
Four-one.
Okay, 50-14, good game.
- Good night.
Oh!
Good night.
Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common,
we irritate each other.
Right.
Enjoy the show.
- Okay, here we go, some
sweetie pie for my sweetie pie.
- Um, sure, okay.
Isn't he cute?
- Oh yeah, he's
exceptionally cute.
So things have
been going pretty well
between you two, huh?
- Oh, Eric, the last
two weeks have been
the best weeks of my life.
- Well, that's won...
- I mean finally getting
out of that ridiculous
thing with Ned
and moving in with
Alex was the smartest
thing I've ever done.
I just love this man so much.
I love you so much.
Do you love me?
- Yes, yes, I do.
- I think Mr. Tummy wants
a little more of the pudding.
- Oh, Stacey, I think
we're embarrassing Eric.
- Oh, we're not embarrassing
you, are we, Eric?
- No, no, it's just that
was my dessert, but.
- Oh.
- Oh, I am so sorry I spent so
long on the phone, you guys,
but I've been trying to
raise the down payment
for this really great
property over on Lexington.
Is there any way we
can come up with 65,000?
- Well, if we sell
everything including our son
and print some money still, no.
- God, this is killing me.
I mean, this property
is so undervalued,
I know I could turn it
over for a huge profit
if I could just get it.
- Have you tried
applying for a bank loan?
- Isn't he smart?
Uh, God.
- Anyway, I do have
a loan application in,
but I just don't think
we have the collateral
to get it approved.
Ugh, honey, I'm full.
Do you want the
rest of my dessert?
- Sure, yeah.
- Oh, that's the bank.
- Some more pudding?
- No, no, no, I'm full.
- Ned.
- Stacey.
- Ned.
- Alex.
- Ned.
- What?
- Nothing, I mean,
everybody else was, so I was.
- So Ned, you're looking well.
- As are you.
Have to tell you,
Stacey, the old apartment
just isn't the same without you.
No matter how much I
dig, I can't seem to locate
any old Band-Aids or
empty yogurt containers
between the couch cushions.
And I dig, and I dig, and I dig!
And I dig, and I dig!
- Are you through
making an ass of yourself?
- Maybe.
- All right, guys, come on,
is that really necessary?
I know this is an
awkward situation,
but can't we just handle
it like mature adults?
- I am being very
mature about it.
- Alex, what say we
get the old Wednesday
racquetball game
goin' again, huh?
- Sure, I'd like that, Ned.
- Ha ha, doesn't get much
more mature than that,
does it, missy?
- Oh yeah, if you were
so mature, then why
haven't you returned
any of my messages?
I'd like to get
this divorce going
while I'm still young
enough to enjoy it.
- Stacey, I don't have
a lot of time to waste
on boring meetings
trying to dissolve this
stupid, fake marriage.
What say I report
you missing and eaten
by a large, stupid, angry bear?
That's,
that's not funny.
- Look, I'm gonna make this
incredibly easy for you, Ned.
I'm gonna be at your
apartment tomorrow night
at seven with my lawyer.
I assume you have
your own on retainer
for all your paternity
suits and whatnot?
- I am not even
going to dignify that
remark with a response.
Rico, pull the car around.
- Actually, I came
here with Amanda.
- Fine, pull her around.
I'll be in front.
Ned?
- In the bedroom.
- What's the matter?
Why did you want
me to rush over here?
- Ugh, thanks for coming, buddy.
It's just that, you know,
this thing with Stacey,
oh, the empty
room is mocking me.
I don't know, there's
something missing in my life.
- Well, I'm glad you finally
admitted it to yourself.
What are you gonna do about it?
- Well, I've already done it.
Let the games begin!
- Good one, Ned, you
really had me goin'.
- Uh huh, hard to
tell a wild Stacey
ever bedded down here, isn't it?
Foosball table, pool
table, backgammon table,
table for bowls of
brown crunchy items,
Charlie's Angels, Charlie.
- Uh huh, but no Bosley?
- At the framers.
Okay, come on mon
plaisir, kick in a 20
and let's play pool.
- Okay, but it's only fair
to warn ya, I'm pretty bad.
- It's only fair to warn
you, I've been told I stink.
- Is that Stacey's
picture on the one ball?
- Pretty good, huh?
Wait till you see
what's on the two ball.
- So, what's going on in
your humdrum little existence?
- Oh, nothing much.
Amanda's down in the
dumps about that property
she wanted to buy.
We're never gonna
come up with the 65,000.
- 65,000 dead beaver pelts, huh?
Eh, I gotta say, I was
gonna invest in some
triple A rated bonds,
but your wife's kooky
get-rich-quick scheme
has me intrigued.
- Really, Ned,
'cause it's really not
that bad of a deal.
- Well, I'll tell ya what,
have her bring over
the specs, I'll give
'em the once over
and it wouldn't hurt for her
to wear something perty.
- For 65,000, I'll wear
something perty and do things.
- Doh!
- Hello to you too.
Hey, Stace.
- Hi.
- Stacey, how did you get in?
- I knocked, and when
you obviously didn't
hear me, I used my key.
- Rico, remind me,
change locks, dig moat,
higher piranhas,
little biting, nasty ones.
What are you doing here, Stacey?
- I told you that I
was coming over
tonight with my lawyer?
- You did?
Meh meh meh meh
meh meh meh lawyer
meh meh meh meh.
Yeah, I guess you did.
Let's get this stupid
thing over with.
- What is that?
- I think it came from
the store that way.
- Hello, I'm Ned Dorsey.
- Hello, Mr. Dorsey,
I'm Lela Cooper,
your wife's divorce attorney.
- It's God's work you're doing.
Come, let's have a seat.
- So Ned, where's your lawyer?
- Good night, Ned.
- Mr. Moyer will be
representing me in this matter.
- Ned, no, I'm not a lawyer.
- He's an accountant.
- I'm an accountant.
- What he is is a competent,
skilled professional.
Just last week, he gave
me a damn fine bikini wax.
By the way, thank you.
- Well, I just hope
you're having $250
worth of amusement,
Ned, because that's how
much you're paying Ms.
Cooper for every hour of her time.
- 250?
Hope that comes with
a pants down spankin'.
That's a good one, huh, Rico?
- That's very funny.
- Please sign here, Mr. Dorsey.
- And what is this?
- That's an RSI.
It's a standard form
indicating to the court
that both parties are
seeking dissolution.
- Oh really?
Not so fast.
- What, oh.
- Well?
- Well, it's spelling
and grammar look fine.
- Well, okay then.
- Just sign there, and
then you too, Mrs. Dorsey.
- With pleasure.
- After we file, we
should have a court date
within four to six
weeks, which will give
us plenty of time to go over
the distribution of assets.
- Distribution of
assets say you.
I say I'm the only one who
accumulated any assets.
She just sat on hers!
Get it?
Assets?
- Don't worry, Ned, I
don't want any of your
precious assets, even though
I did help you earn them.
- Oh, as if.
- I did.
- Oh really, what did you do?
- I convinced everyone
at work that you
had a loving, devoted wife!
Huh, what a
performance that was.
- Yeah, a performance,
might I add, that you stunk at.
You know, I should have
listened to my mother
and just married
an illegal alien.
- Do you see what I've
had to deal with here?
- But this conversation
is, in fact, moot.
Miss Cooper, did you
know that your client
signed a 12-page, legally
binding prenuptial agreement?
Ad hoc, propter
ad hoc, sic semper,
ad nauseum, Ed McMahon.
- Actually, Mr. Dorsey, I am
familiar with that document.
Unfortunately for
you, you rendered it
null and void when
you illegally ejected
Mrs. Dorsey from the residence.
- Serves you right, Ned.
That's what you get
for kicking someone
out of their own home.
- Look, Stacey, what
difference does it make?
You're happy living with
Alex now, remember?
- Yes, I am very happy.
But uh, maybe I want
to keep my room here
as a studio, a nice office
on the Upper East Side
to write my magazine articles.
Can I do that?
- Absolutely.
- Yay.
- And by the way,
your wife's right to use
the residence is
enforceable by court order,
contempt citation or
jail term if necessary.
- For God's sakes,
would you say something?
- Leave him alone.
- Well, I would thank
you kindly very much
if you would remove
all of your possessions
from my room by
this time tomorrow.
Oh, and Ned, why don't
you leave the paneling
up in my room.
It's cozy.
- Did we win?
- No.
- You're fired.
- Ah, Ned.
Ned?
- What?
- Ned, Ned.
- What, what?
- Ned!
The cue is hitting
me in the head!
- Well, don't stand there.
- There's no place
else to stand in here.
- All right, look,
let's don't fight.
Not much air in here.
- I still don't understand
why you didn't
put all this stuff away
in storage anyway?
- And put this stuff
in storage anyway.
Look, I am not gonna let
Stacey ruin our fun, no siree.
Now, let's go.
It's your shot.
- Ooh.
How long's your
ship in port, sailor?
- Knock knock.
I got all the specs and the
loan information right here.
- Hey!
- You are...
- Hey, hey, hey, hey
hey, hey, hey.
- This is an incredible
opportunity, Ned.
The whole block is
gonna be yuppie central.
They are opening a
Starbucks and a Gap
and a Baby Gap and a
Baby Starbucks, you name it!
They're all there.
- Fine, I'll look at it later.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
And I know you're
gonna give it a fair
and honest perusal,
Ned, because well,
that's just the
kinda guy you are.
And listen, if you
have any questions,
any time, day or night,
just feel free to call.
And Ned, if I haven't
said this before,
you're the tops!
- I love you too, honey.
- Okay, back to our
merry making, dammit!
Okay, let's play ping
pong in the closet.
Stacey, I really don't
see the point in you
keeping a room
in Ned's apartment.
- I don't care about
the room, per se.
It's simply a
matter of principle,
and also, it drives Ned crazy.
- I really wish you'd
get past this little
war you have goin' on with Ned.
- I want to, but
he's like the bully
who steals your lunch money.
If you don't stand up to him,
he'll steal your lunch money.
Who are you calling?
- Ned, I'm canceling
the racquetball game.
- No, no, that's
exactly what he'd want!
He'd want you to
back down like that.
- Stacey, I just don't
want to be in the middle
of this thing you
two have goin' on.
- No, no, no, there's no thing.
No thing, really.
Now, you like to play, so
you should go and play, okay?
Here.
Go and have fun,
and beat him for me.
Okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
And when my
conquering hero returns,
I will have a fantastic
dinner waiting for him.
- Great.
- So what do you want, Chinese?
Okay.
- So everything
all right with you?
- Oh yeah, fine, fine.
You?
- Good, good, everything's good.
- Well, good.
- So you sure
everything's all right?
There's no hard
feelings about anything?
- No.
- Okay, 'cause you
know, Ned, I really look
forward to these
racquetball games together,
and life's just too short
not to enjoy it, right?
- Right.
- Okay, give me your best shot.
Ooh.
- Gosh, sorry.
One-nothing.
It's alive!
Come in!
Hey, Amandingo, come on in.
- Oh wow, you're in a good mood.
I like that.
So have you looked over
the real estate proposal?
- I did, and I especially liked
the personalized suck-up note.
- Aw, thanks.
So, Ned, listen, I sort
of need a decision.
They're only gonna
hold this property
for me till five o'clock, so...
- Mmm, okay.
- Really?
- Ah, I'm in, partner.
- Oh, yes!
- So you take a check now?
- Yes, check, now, good.
- Clearly, your need for money
has sucked you dry of syntax.
- You are not
gonna be sorry, Ned.
We are putting in
as much of our own
money as we could pull
together too, you know.
God, I'd say...
- Ned!
- Oh hey, Stace.
I'd say within two or three
weeks, this property's...
- Ned!
- What?
- You did it on
purpose, didn't you?
- Stacey, I have no idea
what you're talking about.
- Oh yes you do!
He hit Alex with a
racquetball down there.
- Ooh, listen, make that
out to Empire Escrow.
- He is in incredible pain, Ned.
Thank God there was
no permanent damage,
but the doctor said he
can't have sex with me
for six to eight weeks!
- Well, at least he
can thank me for that.
- You are a troubled
human being.
Stay out of my life.
- Stacey, it was an accident.
I was aiming at my own groin.
- Oh, it was no accident, Ned.
You neutered my
boyfriend to get back at me
for taking my room back.
- That is laughable.
- Check, please.
- Admit it, it's true.
You have been
messing with my life
for the sadistic pleasure of it.
- Stacey, do you think
I have nothing better
to do with my day than
to sit around thinking
of ways to mess with your life?
Come on.
- Ned?
I thought we were going
to have some snuggle time.
- Actually, Miss Cooper, no.
- I just want my money.
- You slept with my lawyer?
- I had to, I don't
have one of my own.
- Stacey, I'm so sorry.
I've never done
anything like this before.
Of course, there's no
charge for this hour.
- You know, Ned, this isn't
gonna change anything.
I'll just get a new lawyer.
- How about a
brunette this time?
- Uh, do you believe him?
I mean, what is
he gonna do next?
- What I'm going
to do next, Stacey,
is ask you to leave.
Good day.
I said good day, sir!
- What is that?
- A recipe.
- Not that it's any
of your business,
but I'm investing in
a piece of property
with your sister, Amanda.
No, you are not.
There is no way that
my sister is going to take
your blood money,
thank you very much.
Right?
- Well, of course I
don't like doing it.
- Amanda!
- Stacey, okay, you're
obviously a little upset.
Why don't you let me
take you back to Alex's?
- Okay, fine.
And you, you stay
away from me and Alex.
I'll see you in court.
- What part of good day
did you not understand, sir?
- Come on, let's
get out of here.
Amanda, you were right about him
from the very beginning.
He's just evil.
He's just pure evil.
- I know.
He's the worst, I hate him.
Just forgot my purse.
Great, I'll just grab that, hey.
This is trippy.
- You know, until
today, I never knew
how vindictive a
person Ned really was.
- Uh huh.
- I mean, when he hit
you with that racquetball,
it was really me he
was trying to hurt.
- Well, he missed.
- Here, I made you some soup.
- Thanks.
What are those?
- Matzo balls.
- Uh.
- Actually, there's
one good thing that
came out of this.
Any scintilla of feeling I ever
had for that man
is completely gone.
Actually, you know what?
I'm glad this happened.
- Stacey, listen...
- I know who he is now.
Now I know who
Ned Dorsey really is.
He's just this...
- Stacey!
- What?
- You know, I had
a lotta time to think
when I was in the ice bath.
And...
- And what?
- And I finally realized
something that I've
probably known all along.
Stacey, you and Ned
have a lot of unresolved
issues between you.
- No, no, no, no.
No, maybe he does but not me.
- No, I think you should
go back and deal with him.
- No, I am staying
right here with you.
- Stacey, go to him.
- Alex, I'm not going anywhere.
- I think you are.
- What?
Are you kicking me out?
- Well, I'm physically
incapable of doing
that right now, but I'm
hoping you'll leave anyway.
- But...
I don't understand.
I mean, I understood
when Ned kicked me out.
He's vile and
ill-tempered, but you,
you're sweet and considerate.
- Well, it takes all kinds.
- I have a gun!
It's only me, Ned.
- I have a gun.
Stacey, what are
you doing here now?
- I am moving
back in temporarily,
which is my legal right.
- What?
Why?
- Well, um, Alex and
I discussed things,
and we decided that
our relationship would
benefit from a
little more space.
You know, spent a little more
time pursuing other interests.
All right, he kicked
me out, okay?
- He kicked you out?
That son of a bitch,
he copied that from me!
- Ned, I am really
not in the mood.
I'm really tired.
I just want to go to sleep.
- Uh, well, um, did
you try the bus station?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Two-nothing.
Three-nothing.
Four-one.
Okay, 50-14, good game.
- Good night.
Oh!
Good night.