Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - Reality Check - full transcript
When Stacey discovers she's deep in debt, she refuses Ned's offer of a loan and takes a job as a waitress, instead.
Happy birthday, sweetheart.
I-I-I hope you like it.
Oh, honey, I love it.
It's beautiful. Y-you do?
Yeah, I love it just as much
as when I pointed it
out to you in the window.
Stace, thanks for
this great dinner.
Anything for my sis.
Ned, I'm still giddy
thinking about what to do
with the $5 you gave me.
Ah, pick yourself
up a marital aid.
Miss?
Your credit card was declined.
What?
Put it through again, please.
I put it through four times.
My wrist hurts.
Okay, okay, this'll go through.
It's gold.
So, birthday girl, how many
rings around the old tree trunk?
None of your business.
Come on. Don't make
me count up the liver spots.
Shut up.
You'll shut me up with
a number, Methuselah.
Would you help
me out here, honey?
Oh, she's 30.
Thanks.
How many is that in dog years?
Sorry. Thumbs down.
What? I was as
shocked as you are.
Here.
Oh, we already tried that one.
Um... Do you take Sierra Club?
And we already
tried that joke too.
You know what, Stacey,
let me take care of this.
No. This is my birthday
present to Amanda.
Oh, hey, it's okay, Stace.
No, no, no. I arranged this.
This is my treat.
I'll take care of it.
Ned. Hm?
Pay for the check. I'll
pay you back at home.
What?
Uncomfortable chafing?
Pay for the check.
Oh! Pay the check.
Pay the check.
No.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
Stacey, would
you just forget it?
You don't have to
pay me back for dinner.
No, no, no.
Our lives are separate,
and that includes finances.
Here.
This is $10 short.
I thought you overtipped.
I didn't like her attitude.
Stacey.
Take it.
Okay, fine.
Uh, what do you
want me to do with it?
You know, you, um, deposit it.
Swell.
I'm gonna go down
to the bank right now
and do just that.
Ned.
Huh? Problem with the check?
No, of course not.
It'll clear. I...
I just need you to hold
on to it for a couple of days.
Oh. Okay.
Hold on to it for
a couple of days.
Let's see, where
should I hold...?
Maybe with last
month's rent check,
which is making a dandy
bookmark... right there.
Or you know what?
I'll take the two of 'em
and use 'em for kindling,
in case the winter is
harsh and unforgiving.
Or perhaps make
a lovely origami.
Ta-da!
How did you do that?
Uh, it's a trick, actually.
This is, uh, your
check from last month
for the phone bill.
Aw-caw!
Aw-caw!
Fun.
You know, I'm not gonna
give you anymore checks
if you're just gonna
do that with 'em.
Stacey, you know,
your financial gymnastics
are getting a little daring.
Ha-ha.
What's goin' on here?
I've already
explained it to you.
My income fluctuates,
and right now, it's just
in a slightly... low ebb.
That's all.
You know, I sat in
that restaurant tonight
and watched them turn
down every card in your wallet,
including your organ donor card.
And she looked like
she needed a liver.
What's goin' on?
Oh, no.
Ah... a whimper flop.
Hm.
This stinks of a Stacey crisis.
Okay. How bad?
Bad.
How bad?
Bad, bad.
Got a letter from the credit
card company on Monday.
And?
I haven't opened
it yet, but... it's red.
Well, it could be
good news... for Satan.
So?
How bad is it?
I don't know.
It's such a complex labyrinth
of partial payments,
cash advances,
unmarked receipts,
late fees, late late fees.
It's got its own bizarre
logic I just can't crack.
This used to be fun for him.
Okay, I think I've
busted this bronco.
In the past three years,
you've earned a total
income of $97,547...
That's a lot.
And expended a
total of $125,607.
That's a lot more.
Oh, my God.
But the way she's
amassed this debt, it's...
It's breathtaking.
I mean, it...
Paid one credit card off
with another credit card.
Refinancing. Extending limits.
It's so... It's layered.
I mean, Stacey, how
did you manage to buy
a cashmere sweater
at Bloomingdale's
with your frequent flyer miles?
How did you get $28,000 in debt?
I just always thought
that I was really close
to getting that one big article,
or a staff job on a
national magazine,
and I could just pay it all off.
Pardon me for
believing in myself.
Oh, Stacey, grow up.
You're in trouble.
I know.
I know, I know.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, for starters,
you can break up this
little union with Fabio there
and move back in
with Mom and Dad.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on a second.
What are you suggesting?
That Stacey and I
end the marriage?
I suggest that every day,
and now I've got the entire
banking industry on my side.
Hey!
My wife and I have
something very special
that you and your kind
will never understand.
A legally binding
12-page contract.
He's right, honey.
I notarized it.
So just let her go.
There's five million other
stupid women in this city.
Well, that may very well
be, but the clients like her.
You know, everybody
in my business thinks
that I married a smart,
successful journalist,
not some deadbeat who's livin'
in her parents' rumpus room.
Well, it's better than
the alternative, Ned.
That being jail.
Oh, my God.
Ned, I'm...
I'm touched by your devotion,
but maybe Amanda's right.
Maybe...
Maybe I just can't
afford to live here
and do this anymore.
You see what's happening now?
She's confused.
She can only be browbeaten
by one person at a time.
Now, we are not
ending this marriage,
and that's the end
of the discussion.
Ned, I don't see
any alternative.
Actually, the brunt of your debt
is with First Bank of Manhattan.
Talk to them. Maybe you
could work something out.
Good. There you go!
Okay. Okay, I'll...
I'll go tomorrow
and talk to them.
Thattagirl.
Huh-huh? Mm-hm.
There's that pioneer spirit.
Okay.
See? Tomorrow morning,
we get up bright and
early, go down to the bank,
just have a little set-to
with those bankin' folks.
That doesn't
work... We'll rob 'em.
Hi.
I'm Stacey Dorsey.
The man outside said
you were ready for me.
I don't know if I'll ever be
ready for you, but have a seat.
Who's he?
He's Ned. Oh.
Husband and brother.
Just kidding! Ha.
He's my husband.
But we keep our finances
completely separate.
Ah, smart move.
You got that, Lorraine.
Ahhh.
Well, Mrs. Dorsey, I see
you've really done your part
to kick-start the economy.
Well, I try.
'Course, my first question
is how do you intend
to settle this debt?
Do you take Visa?
That's a good one, honey.
Um, sorry.
I-I-I was hoping that
you could suggest a way.
Well... Well, you could pay
back everything you owe.
That would pretty much
end our interest in it.
Or? Oh.
Or you could give us
a partial payment now,
and then we could set
up a monthly schedule
for the remainder.
Okay.
Okay, I-I-I can deal with that.
You're very reasonable,
Mrs. Duncan.
Well, we want our money.
You don't do us any
good in the pokey, heh.
Heh. So, um...
How much would I
have to give you now?
Oh, well, let me figure it out.
Okay, I'll round
that down to...$5600.
Um... could you round
it down a little more?
No, I can't.
Mrs. Duncan, if I had
that kind of money,
I wouldn't owe you
that kind of money,
and I wouldn't even be here.
Surely, you can
appreciate the irony.
No, I can't.
Okay.
There we go.
Fifty-six hundred dollars.
Good doin' business with ya.
What are you doing?
No, no.
Not for you.
It's for this pretty lady.
This is just like you.
You think you can
solve any problem
by just throwing money at it.
Well, call me crazy, but I think
in this case it just might work.
Lorraine, what's your call?
Uh-huh.
Do not patronize me!
I am not one of your
stupid little chippies
that you sleep
with. I'm your wife.
Oh, my.
That's true,
but you're no good to
me unless you're coherent,
solvent and ready to party.
I don't care.
I will not be in
debt to you, Ned.
I want our lives to be as
separate as our bedrooms.
Mrs. Duncan,
you can rest assured that your
bank will get its money back,
and it will get it all from me.
Good day.
Hm.
Would you have married me?
Oh, darlin', I'm not that kinky.
Oh, what do you mean
Sandy Duncan said no?
Oh, she's perfect
for this campaign.
She's warm. She's down to earth.
She's sweet.
It's exactly what we need
to sell this crap.
Okay, so...
that means we've been
turned down by Holly Hunter,
Bea Arthur, Betty
White, Marie Osmond.
Have we heard back from
Jessica Tandy's people?
What?
Oh, I... I guess
that's a firm no.
Look, Les, don't worry about it.
We'll find somebody.
All right, guy. Catch you later.
What are you doing?
Everything I can to
get out of debt, Ned,
even if it means
rolling loose change.
Well, let's just see what
you got there, little ranger.
Well, you owe $28,000.
You got about $15.
You're on your way!
Mock me if you wish,
Ned, but I have a real plan
to get me out of this hole.
All right.
Just remember,
don't sell both lungs.
For your information...
Here it is.
I have called of
all of my contacts,
and told them that I
would write anything.
I've already sold
three articles.
Well, let's see here.
"Delaware: the Getaway State."
"Let's Recaulk the Shower."
"The Government's Secret
Plan to Take Away Our Guns."
And I'm making a concerted
effort to cut expenses.
No new clothes, no cabs.
I even told my therapist I
couldn't see him anymore.
No, no. No.
No, no. No, no.
No, no, no, I got that one.
That's my treat.
You don't get the point, do you?
I don't want your money.
I can do this on my own.
I happen to be a
very intelligent woman
with a lot of marketable skills.
Watch out for the glass.
How long has it been
since we ordered?
Only about 45 minutes.
Oh.
You know, I feel kind
of funny being here,
with Stacey as our waitress.
Oh, honey, you're just
light-headed from not eating.
Okay, dinner is served.
You have the shrimp cocktail,
and the filet mignon,
very well done.
I said rare.
Okay.
And I believe you had
the chocolate soufflé?
I'm still waiting for
my caesar salad.
You finish all your
dessert and then we'll see.
I'll... I'll... I'll... Okay.
Theresa, d-did
you pick up my tip?
No.
Are you telling me
that a table of seven
didn't leave me anything?
They left you a note.
Dear bumbling idiot...
Well, that's just rude.
Miss? Just one minute.
Hi, guys.
Everything here okay?
Oh, it's just great. Hm, yeah.
This water is fantastic. It's...
Oh, that's supposed
to go to her.
Thank you.
I'm gonna get your soup
right now, Eric. Okay.
And I had the... Pecan pie.
Tuna melt.
Uh, reservation
for Dorsey, please.
So, Olivia, when the
campaign idea came up,
y'know, we said to
ourselves, Olivia Newton-John,
first choice, only choice.
Y'know, it's not
just the wholesome,
down-to-earth
quality that you bring.
It's just people like you.
And I just like them right back.
Ha, ha, ha! That is so clever.
How do you come up with
that right here on the stairs?
Ha, ha. Right this way.
Oh, that's good.
Oh!
Oh... Uh, excuse me.
Be right with ya.
No worries. 'Kay.
What are you doing here?
I work here three nights a week.
That's Olivia Newton-John.
Okay, okay. Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.
Keep right over here.
Steer over this way.
But I was in Grease
in high school.
I played Sandy...
No.
- -same as her.
No, no. No, no.
Don't care. She don't care.
You just stay away from her.
I can't.
She's in my station.
Okay, Eric, here's your soup.
And guess what?
Ned's here with
Olivia Newton-John.
It'll never last.
Uh, Stacey, this looks
like clam chowder.
Oh, God, don't tell me that
I messed up your order too.
If I take one more thing
back, they're gonna fire me.
No. He loves clam
chowder, right, honey?
You know, I'm
allergic to shellfish.
Just taste it.
Well, okay... I don't...
I'll just... Why not. Heh, heh.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Oh, good. Good, good.
You know, computers
just intimidate people,
and quite frankly, that's
why we came to you.
You have such a
pleasant demeanor,
and, well, y-you just
put people at ease.
Well, they put me at ease.
Oh, can you bottle that? Wow.
Hi.
I'm Stacey.
I'll be your waitress.
And I'm "Hopelessly
Devoted" to taking your order.
Heh, heh, heh.
Hm-hm.
That's very charming.
Could I please have a Diet Coke?
Sure.
And for you, sir?
I would like an iced tea
and some piano wire.
I'll be back in a minute.
Boy, I'm really sorry
if the waitress
is bothering you.
Oh, that's all right.
It's when the waitress
stops bothering you,
you have to worry.
Oh, absolutely.
If I start to go
into convulsions,
would you please put
a spoon in my mouth?
If I had one.
Miss? Ooh, I'm sorry,
I can't help you right now.
This is for Olivia Newton-John.
Okay.
Here's your iced tea.
And, Miss Newton-John,
I brought you your...
♪ Fizzy cola ♪
♪ Fizzy cola ♪
♪ I brought you
your Fizzy cola ♪
♪ Let's get into fizzy cola ♪
Any chance a huge anvil will
now come down and crush you?
Oh... straight scotch.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
And you're an
alcoholic, aren't you?
No!
Oh, look, le-le-let
me take that back,
a-and I'll get you a soda.
Aah!
Oh! Oh!
My fault! My fault! Bad!
It's... It's happening now.
Um, um, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna get you some club soda
to take care of that.
You just... You
just wait right there.
Very strange girl.
I-I don't like her.
What happened?
Uh, nothing, Stace.
Everything's fine.
Here's some club soda for you.
And I'm so sorry again.
Actually, this isn't even
what I do for a living.
Oh, really? I never
would have guessed that.
Here, let me help
you get some of that.
Don't... No! No, no.
I got it, got it, got it.
Aah. Oh, no!
Oh.
You've given me a
rag with ketchup on it.
I am so sorry again.
Yes, yes. I got it, I got it.
You know, I played Sandy
in my high school production
of Grease.
Oh, what a coincidence.
I was in the movie!
Now, Olivia, remember, you
like people, people like you.
Whatever the hell
that was... Oh, look,
I'm just so sick of being nice.
Well, just remember, you know,
you're Australian,
gotta sell computers.
That's why you're here...
Just shut up!
Now, and as for that stupid
commercial you want me to do
for that ridiculous computer...
I've used it, and it sucks!
Oh, that felt so good.
Oh, okay.
Uh, forget the
computer campaign.
How 'bout cookies?
Uh, the Fig Newton-John.
Sorry, we're closed.
Ah, just closed?
Has the SWAT team cleared out?
Ha, ha.
They fired me.
They fired you?
What for?
This isn't what I do.
I'm a writer.
I stink at this.
Ah, you'll get a job at
another restaurant, where...
Where they openly invite
the occasional grease fire.
C'mon. Give you a ride home.
Thanks.
Hey, we could stop
on the way home
and I'll buy you a pack
of gum with my tips.
Oh, that reminds me. I
forgot to leave you one.
Let's see. The check was 8.50,
plus the customary
12,000-percent tip.
I think that brings us to $5600.
Forget it, Ned. I'm not
gonna let you do that for me.
Uh... Stacey, it's not for you.
It's for me. Believe me.
It is a selfish gesture
devoid of human compassion.
Plea... I swear it.
That's very sweet,
but I... Hey, uh, l-listen.
As you descend into
your insolvent lunacy,
you're gonna take
me down with you.
Well, so be it.
Oh... Uh, okay. You know what?
You know what?
Look at this as
an official loan.
You mean with terms of
payment and interest rates and...
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Think of me as the Bank of Ned.
I'll even... I'll
even work slowly
and hire fat security guards.
I-I still don't know, Ned...
Look, you're not being
weak. You're not caving in.
You're just takin' pity on a guy
who had to hire Ruth Buzzi
for a computer commercial.
All right, all
right, I'll take it,
but I'm gonna pay
you every cent back!
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Oh, you're good.
You're a good lady.
Oh, good lady. Oh, good, good...
All right, you're
embarrassing me.
Okay, let's get
outta here. All right.
Let's stop at the hospital.
Say hi to Eric.
I heard he can communicate
by blinking his eyes.
I-I-I hope you like it.
Oh, honey, I love it.
It's beautiful. Y-you do?
Yeah, I love it just as much
as when I pointed it
out to you in the window.
Stace, thanks for
this great dinner.
Anything for my sis.
Ned, I'm still giddy
thinking about what to do
with the $5 you gave me.
Ah, pick yourself
up a marital aid.
Miss?
Your credit card was declined.
What?
Put it through again, please.
I put it through four times.
My wrist hurts.
Okay, okay, this'll go through.
It's gold.
So, birthday girl, how many
rings around the old tree trunk?
None of your business.
Come on. Don't make
me count up the liver spots.
Shut up.
You'll shut me up with
a number, Methuselah.
Would you help
me out here, honey?
Oh, she's 30.
Thanks.
How many is that in dog years?
Sorry. Thumbs down.
What? I was as
shocked as you are.
Here.
Oh, we already tried that one.
Um... Do you take Sierra Club?
And we already
tried that joke too.
You know what, Stacey,
let me take care of this.
No. This is my birthday
present to Amanda.
Oh, hey, it's okay, Stace.
No, no, no. I arranged this.
This is my treat.
I'll take care of it.
Ned. Hm?
Pay for the check. I'll
pay you back at home.
What?
Uncomfortable chafing?
Pay for the check.
Oh! Pay the check.
Pay the check.
No.
- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?
It was business.
Strictly business.
Here's the deal.
To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.
See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.
So, what the hell, we
up and got married.
The only thing we
have in common?
We irritate each other. Right.
Enjoy the show.
Stacey, would
you just forget it?
You don't have to
pay me back for dinner.
No, no, no.
Our lives are separate,
and that includes finances.
Here.
This is $10 short.
I thought you overtipped.
I didn't like her attitude.
Stacey.
Take it.
Okay, fine.
Uh, what do you
want me to do with it?
You know, you, um, deposit it.
Swell.
I'm gonna go down
to the bank right now
and do just that.
Ned.
Huh? Problem with the check?
No, of course not.
It'll clear. I...
I just need you to hold
on to it for a couple of days.
Oh. Okay.
Hold on to it for
a couple of days.
Let's see, where
should I hold...?
Maybe with last
month's rent check,
which is making a dandy
bookmark... right there.
Or you know what?
I'll take the two of 'em
and use 'em for kindling,
in case the winter is
harsh and unforgiving.
Or perhaps make
a lovely origami.
Ta-da!
How did you do that?
Uh, it's a trick, actually.
This is, uh, your
check from last month
for the phone bill.
Aw-caw!
Aw-caw!
Fun.
You know, I'm not gonna
give you anymore checks
if you're just gonna
do that with 'em.
Stacey, you know,
your financial gymnastics
are getting a little daring.
Ha-ha.
What's goin' on here?
I've already
explained it to you.
My income fluctuates,
and right now, it's just
in a slightly... low ebb.
That's all.
You know, I sat in
that restaurant tonight
and watched them turn
down every card in your wallet,
including your organ donor card.
And she looked like
she needed a liver.
What's goin' on?
Oh, no.
Ah... a whimper flop.
Hm.
This stinks of a Stacey crisis.
Okay. How bad?
Bad.
How bad?
Bad, bad.
Got a letter from the credit
card company on Monday.
And?
I haven't opened
it yet, but... it's red.
Well, it could be
good news... for Satan.
So?
How bad is it?
I don't know.
It's such a complex labyrinth
of partial payments,
cash advances,
unmarked receipts,
late fees, late late fees.
It's got its own bizarre
logic I just can't crack.
This used to be fun for him.
Okay, I think I've
busted this bronco.
In the past three years,
you've earned a total
income of $97,547...
That's a lot.
And expended a
total of $125,607.
That's a lot more.
Oh, my God.
But the way she's
amassed this debt, it's...
It's breathtaking.
I mean, it...
Paid one credit card off
with another credit card.
Refinancing. Extending limits.
It's so... It's layered.
I mean, Stacey, how
did you manage to buy
a cashmere sweater
at Bloomingdale's
with your frequent flyer miles?
How did you get $28,000 in debt?
I just always thought
that I was really close
to getting that one big article,
or a staff job on a
national magazine,
and I could just pay it all off.
Pardon me for
believing in myself.
Oh, Stacey, grow up.
You're in trouble.
I know.
I know, I know.
What am I supposed to do?
Well, for starters,
you can break up this
little union with Fabio there
and move back in
with Mom and Dad.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hang on a second.
What are you suggesting?
That Stacey and I
end the marriage?
I suggest that every day,
and now I've got the entire
banking industry on my side.
Hey!
My wife and I have
something very special
that you and your kind
will never understand.
A legally binding
12-page contract.
He's right, honey.
I notarized it.
So just let her go.
There's five million other
stupid women in this city.
Well, that may very well
be, but the clients like her.
You know, everybody
in my business thinks
that I married a smart,
successful journalist,
not some deadbeat who's livin'
in her parents' rumpus room.
Well, it's better than
the alternative, Ned.
That being jail.
Oh, my God.
Ned, I'm...
I'm touched by your devotion,
but maybe Amanda's right.
Maybe...
Maybe I just can't
afford to live here
and do this anymore.
You see what's happening now?
She's confused.
She can only be browbeaten
by one person at a time.
Now, we are not
ending this marriage,
and that's the end
of the discussion.
Ned, I don't see
any alternative.
Actually, the brunt of your debt
is with First Bank of Manhattan.
Talk to them. Maybe you
could work something out.
Good. There you go!
Okay. Okay, I'll...
I'll go tomorrow
and talk to them.
Thattagirl.
Huh-huh? Mm-hm.
There's that pioneer spirit.
Okay.
See? Tomorrow morning,
we get up bright and
early, go down to the bank,
just have a little set-to
with those bankin' folks.
That doesn't
work... We'll rob 'em.
Hi.
I'm Stacey Dorsey.
The man outside said
you were ready for me.
I don't know if I'll ever be
ready for you, but have a seat.
Who's he?
He's Ned. Oh.
Husband and brother.
Just kidding! Ha.
He's my husband.
But we keep our finances
completely separate.
Ah, smart move.
You got that, Lorraine.
Ahhh.
Well, Mrs. Dorsey, I see
you've really done your part
to kick-start the economy.
Well, I try.
'Course, my first question
is how do you intend
to settle this debt?
Do you take Visa?
That's a good one, honey.
Um, sorry.
I-I-I was hoping that
you could suggest a way.
Well... Well, you could pay
back everything you owe.
That would pretty much
end our interest in it.
Or? Oh.
Or you could give us
a partial payment now,
and then we could set
up a monthly schedule
for the remainder.
Okay.
Okay, I-I-I can deal with that.
You're very reasonable,
Mrs. Duncan.
Well, we want our money.
You don't do us any
good in the pokey, heh.
Heh. So, um...
How much would I
have to give you now?
Oh, well, let me figure it out.
Okay, I'll round
that down to...$5600.
Um... could you round
it down a little more?
No, I can't.
Mrs. Duncan, if I had
that kind of money,
I wouldn't owe you
that kind of money,
and I wouldn't even be here.
Surely, you can
appreciate the irony.
No, I can't.
Okay.
There we go.
Fifty-six hundred dollars.
Good doin' business with ya.
What are you doing?
No, no.
Not for you.
It's for this pretty lady.
This is just like you.
You think you can
solve any problem
by just throwing money at it.
Well, call me crazy, but I think
in this case it just might work.
Lorraine, what's your call?
Uh-huh.
Do not patronize me!
I am not one of your
stupid little chippies
that you sleep
with. I'm your wife.
Oh, my.
That's true,
but you're no good to
me unless you're coherent,
solvent and ready to party.
I don't care.
I will not be in
debt to you, Ned.
I want our lives to be as
separate as our bedrooms.
Mrs. Duncan,
you can rest assured that your
bank will get its money back,
and it will get it all from me.
Good day.
Hm.
Would you have married me?
Oh, darlin', I'm not that kinky.
Oh, what do you mean
Sandy Duncan said no?
Oh, she's perfect
for this campaign.
She's warm. She's down to earth.
She's sweet.
It's exactly what we need
to sell this crap.
Okay, so...
that means we've been
turned down by Holly Hunter,
Bea Arthur, Betty
White, Marie Osmond.
Have we heard back from
Jessica Tandy's people?
What?
Oh, I... I guess
that's a firm no.
Look, Les, don't worry about it.
We'll find somebody.
All right, guy. Catch you later.
What are you doing?
Everything I can to
get out of debt, Ned,
even if it means
rolling loose change.
Well, let's just see what
you got there, little ranger.
Well, you owe $28,000.
You got about $15.
You're on your way!
Mock me if you wish,
Ned, but I have a real plan
to get me out of this hole.
All right.
Just remember,
don't sell both lungs.
For your information...
Here it is.
I have called of
all of my contacts,
and told them that I
would write anything.
I've already sold
three articles.
Well, let's see here.
"Delaware: the Getaway State."
"Let's Recaulk the Shower."
"The Government's Secret
Plan to Take Away Our Guns."
And I'm making a concerted
effort to cut expenses.
No new clothes, no cabs.
I even told my therapist I
couldn't see him anymore.
No, no. No.
No, no. No, no.
No, no, no, I got that one.
That's my treat.
You don't get the point, do you?
I don't want your money.
I can do this on my own.
I happen to be a
very intelligent woman
with a lot of marketable skills.
Watch out for the glass.
How long has it been
since we ordered?
Only about 45 minutes.
Oh.
You know, I feel kind
of funny being here,
with Stacey as our waitress.
Oh, honey, you're just
light-headed from not eating.
Okay, dinner is served.
You have the shrimp cocktail,
and the filet mignon,
very well done.
I said rare.
Okay.
And I believe you had
the chocolate soufflé?
I'm still waiting for
my caesar salad.
You finish all your
dessert and then we'll see.
I'll... I'll... I'll... Okay.
Theresa, d-did
you pick up my tip?
No.
Are you telling me
that a table of seven
didn't leave me anything?
They left you a note.
Dear bumbling idiot...
Well, that's just rude.
Miss? Just one minute.
Hi, guys.
Everything here okay?
Oh, it's just great. Hm, yeah.
This water is fantastic. It's...
Oh, that's supposed
to go to her.
Thank you.
I'm gonna get your soup
right now, Eric. Okay.
And I had the... Pecan pie.
Tuna melt.
Uh, reservation
for Dorsey, please.
So, Olivia, when the
campaign idea came up,
y'know, we said to
ourselves, Olivia Newton-John,
first choice, only choice.
Y'know, it's not
just the wholesome,
down-to-earth
quality that you bring.
It's just people like you.
And I just like them right back.
Ha, ha, ha! That is so clever.
How do you come up with
that right here on the stairs?
Ha, ha. Right this way.
Oh, that's good.
Oh!
Oh... Uh, excuse me.
Be right with ya.
No worries. 'Kay.
What are you doing here?
I work here three nights a week.
That's Olivia Newton-John.
Okay, okay. Don't look at her.
Don't look at her.
Keep right over here.
Steer over this way.
But I was in Grease
in high school.
I played Sandy...
No.
- -same as her.
No, no. No, no.
Don't care. She don't care.
You just stay away from her.
I can't.
She's in my station.
Okay, Eric, here's your soup.
And guess what?
Ned's here with
Olivia Newton-John.
It'll never last.
Uh, Stacey, this looks
like clam chowder.
Oh, God, don't tell me that
I messed up your order too.
If I take one more thing
back, they're gonna fire me.
No. He loves clam
chowder, right, honey?
You know, I'm
allergic to shellfish.
Just taste it.
Well, okay... I don't...
I'll just... Why not. Heh, heh.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Oh, good. Good, good.
You know, computers
just intimidate people,
and quite frankly, that's
why we came to you.
You have such a
pleasant demeanor,
and, well, y-you just
put people at ease.
Well, they put me at ease.
Oh, can you bottle that? Wow.
Hi.
I'm Stacey.
I'll be your waitress.
And I'm "Hopelessly
Devoted" to taking your order.
Heh, heh, heh.
Hm-hm.
That's very charming.
Could I please have a Diet Coke?
Sure.
And for you, sir?
I would like an iced tea
and some piano wire.
I'll be back in a minute.
Boy, I'm really sorry
if the waitress
is bothering you.
Oh, that's all right.
It's when the waitress
stops bothering you,
you have to worry.
Oh, absolutely.
If I start to go
into convulsions,
would you please put
a spoon in my mouth?
If I had one.
Miss? Ooh, I'm sorry,
I can't help you right now.
This is for Olivia Newton-John.
Okay.
Here's your iced tea.
And, Miss Newton-John,
I brought you your...
♪ Fizzy cola ♪
♪ Fizzy cola ♪
♪ I brought you
your Fizzy cola ♪
♪ Let's get into fizzy cola ♪
Any chance a huge anvil will
now come down and crush you?
Oh... straight scotch.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
And you're an
alcoholic, aren't you?
No!
Oh, look, le-le-let
me take that back,
a-and I'll get you a soda.
Aah!
Oh! Oh!
My fault! My fault! Bad!
It's... It's happening now.
Um, um, I'm gonna... I'm
gonna get you some club soda
to take care of that.
You just... You
just wait right there.
Very strange girl.
I-I don't like her.
What happened?
Uh, nothing, Stace.
Everything's fine.
Here's some club soda for you.
And I'm so sorry again.
Actually, this isn't even
what I do for a living.
Oh, really? I never
would have guessed that.
Here, let me help
you get some of that.
Don't... No! No, no.
I got it, got it, got it.
Aah. Oh, no!
Oh.
You've given me a
rag with ketchup on it.
I am so sorry again.
Yes, yes. I got it, I got it.
You know, I played Sandy
in my high school production
of Grease.
Oh, what a coincidence.
I was in the movie!
Now, Olivia, remember, you
like people, people like you.
Whatever the hell
that was... Oh, look,
I'm just so sick of being nice.
Well, just remember, you know,
you're Australian,
gotta sell computers.
That's why you're here...
Just shut up!
Now, and as for that stupid
commercial you want me to do
for that ridiculous computer...
I've used it, and it sucks!
Oh, that felt so good.
Oh, okay.
Uh, forget the
computer campaign.
How 'bout cookies?
Uh, the Fig Newton-John.
Sorry, we're closed.
Ah, just closed?
Has the SWAT team cleared out?
Ha, ha.
They fired me.
They fired you?
What for?
This isn't what I do.
I'm a writer.
I stink at this.
Ah, you'll get a job at
another restaurant, where...
Where they openly invite
the occasional grease fire.
C'mon. Give you a ride home.
Thanks.
Hey, we could stop
on the way home
and I'll buy you a pack
of gum with my tips.
Oh, that reminds me. I
forgot to leave you one.
Let's see. The check was 8.50,
plus the customary
12,000-percent tip.
I think that brings us to $5600.
Forget it, Ned. I'm not
gonna let you do that for me.
Uh... Stacey, it's not for you.
It's for me. Believe me.
It is a selfish gesture
devoid of human compassion.
Plea... I swear it.
That's very sweet,
but I... Hey, uh, l-listen.
As you descend into
your insolvent lunacy,
you're gonna take
me down with you.
Well, so be it.
Oh... Uh, okay. You know what?
You know what?
Look at this as
an official loan.
You mean with terms of
payment and interest rates and...
Absolutely.
Absolutely.
Think of me as the Bank of Ned.
I'll even... I'll
even work slowly
and hire fat security guards.
I-I still don't know, Ned...
Look, you're not being
weak. You're not caving in.
You're just takin' pity on a guy
who had to hire Ruth Buzzi
for a computer commercial.
All right, all
right, I'll take it,
but I'm gonna pay
you every cent back!
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Oh, you're good.
You're a good lady.
Oh, good lady. Oh, good, good...
All right, you're
embarrassing me.
Okay, let's get
outta here. All right.
Let's stop at the hospital.
Say hi to Eric.
I heard he can communicate
by blinking his eyes.