Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 10 - Thanksgiving Day Massacre - full transcript

Anybody for some
blistering hot coffee?

Honey, remind me again

why we're not taking
the nice, paved turnpike?

Well, honey, on this
day we give thanks

for our incredible bounty
and our God given right

to take to the open road...

Slow the hell down!

I think my uterus just fell out.

Well...

maybe that's for the best.

I can't believe I let
you buy this monster.



All we needed was
a nice, family car.

Oh, come on.

He's just trying to feel
like the man that he is,

or does that threaten
your own masculinity?

Hey, Stace, you're
quiet back there.

I'm not being quiet, I'm just...

not talking.

Come on, darlin', cheer up.

Thanksgiving at Ma and
Pa Colbert's is a good thing.

Good time. Good time for all.

I've had Thanksgiving dinner
at my parents house, Ned.

Yes.

But never as Mrs. Ned Dorsey.

You know, I had a
dream the other night



that I married myself.

Boy, I love me a lot.

Bang! Bang! You're dead, Mommy.

Howard!

Thanks once again for
buying him a gun, Ned.

It's a musket!

He needs it for the
Thanksgiving play that I wrote.

Come on, let's rehearse.

Howie, give it to me.

Freeze, savage! Back
away from the teepee!

Hey, pilgrim, let go of
your puritanical ways

and come inside.

And bring your
scurvy-infected women.

Stacey?

Hm? Oh.

Oh, thank you, kind
and handsome warrior.

Sit and join us for
some maize and peyote.

Hey, Prudence sour
grapes, your line.

Bite me.

No ad libs.

Once again from the top.

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

- It was business.
- Strictly business.

Here's the deal: To get the
promotion, I needed a wife.

To get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell?
We up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common:

We irritate each other.

Right. Enjoy the show.

Let me give you a
little background history

that's fascinating about
this once proud bird.

The turkey was first
introduced to America in 1956

via first lady Mamie Eisenhower,

who, upon returning from
a goodwill trip to India,

was wearing one on her
head as a rather unruly hat.

♪ Over the river And
through the woods ♪

♪ Oh, how the wind does blow ♪

♪ It stings your toes
And bites your nose ♪

♪ As over the ground we go ♪

♪ Over the river And
through the woods ♪

♪ To grandmother's house... ♪

Hold it! ♪ ...we go ♪

We wanted to be in on this.

♪ The horse knows the
way To carry the sleigh ♪

♪ Through white
And drifted snow... ♪

Hold it!

Hors d'oeuvres are ready.

♪ Over the river And
through the woods ♪

♪ Oh, how the wind does blow ♪

♪ It stings your toes
And bites your nose ♪

♪ As over the ground we go ♪

Hey. Oh, how marvelous.

Reminds me of the Thanksgiving
I spent with Irving Berlin.

A very troubled
man, but a genius.

You know, my Aunt Ceil

was a very big musical
comedy star in her day.

Ellen, stop it. I don't
like to talk about myself.

Let's just say I was blessed
with talent, looks and luck.

Leave it at that.

Okay, family of mine,

gather 'round for
homemade hors d'oeuvres,

courtesy of Chef Ned
and Chef Davy Crockett.

Oh, great. Mmm.

Oh, Ned, these are delicious.

Please, honey, let me
help you in the kitchen.

Ohh, no, no, no, no, no.

You've cooked vastly too much
in your long and arduous life.

Today, no one lifts a finger,
save to lick it. Ha-ha-ha.

What a treat, huh?

Having our own personal gourmand
to make Thanksgiving dinner.

Stacey, where did
you find this fella, huh?

Oh, Macy's was having
a sale on crazed loners,

and he just caught my eye.

Crazed loners. And I
had to apply for that.

Ha-ha-ha.

Okay, listen, uh, got a
14 course meal ahead,

fifteen if you count
the mint toothpicks.

Now don't fill up on
the hors d'oeuvres,

and in the meantime Howard and
I are gonna go check on the yams.

Listen, you've got eight
minutes for warm remembrances.

Gather 'round.

Oh, my darling,
have another one.

They are delicious.

I can't believe it, Ma.

I put food in my mouth and
you didn't jump down after it.

It's Thanksgiving.

Besides, I read a book
on better parenting.

It said you can actually do
irreparable harm to a child

by criticizing them too much.

Yeah, she's had that book
on her night table for 25 years.

It's okay.

Oh, my goodness!

Gang way!

Unbelievably gorgeous flower
arrangement comin' through.

Try to "ooo" and "ahh"
in an orderly fashion.

Ooo! Ooo! Look at
that, Ahh! Stacey.

Ah, what a gem you
found with this fella.

Not like last
Thanksgiving. Remember?

You were upstairs
crying about that boy

you caught dating another boy.

So humiliating.

Ahh, that's... That's
all ancient history.

Now my Ned is a
part of our family,

and my little baby,

all her dreams are
gonna come true.

Neddy, before you go
back to the kitchen, come on.

I wanna take a picture
of you and Stacey.

Oh, no, no, no,
no. Ned's very busy.

He has to crush the
grapes for the wine.

Done. Already done it.

Already stomped their
little grape guts right on out.

Come on, get up here.

Don't forget to take
the lens cap off.

It's off. You lost
it in Bermuda.

Mom, just... Please,
just take the picture.

Smile, love birds.

Gorgeous. Just
like Fred and Ginger.

Ma, take it.

Perfect.

I'll take seven billboard size.

Okay, back to my proud bird.

Howard, get over here.

I'm gonna tell you the story
of how yams were once used

as primitive footballs
and vice versa.

Oh, Stacey, darling,

guess who I ran into
yesterday at Fortunoff's.

I don't know.

Guess.

I don't know.

Jack Stacey. The boy you
went out with in college?

Jack Stacey? Uh-huh.

He's a very big
surgeon now, you know.

He invented an artificial
heart valve all by himself.

How nice.

Ah, is...? Is he married? No.

And he asked about you too.
But I said, ah, too late, Jack.

She got one!

Well, why'd you say that?

I mean, um, thanks, Mom.

Ahhhh!!

Okay.

Everybody stay
calm. Don't panic,

but we've got a
bit of a situation.

Did Howard do something wrong?

No.

Although he does have
an unhealthy fascination

with giblets.

But that's not the problem.

I forgot the cranberry sauce.

Rico. Okay, listen, man, I...

I gotta have the cran.

I really gotta have it, buddy.

Oh, gee, it's... It's
starting to snow.

Too bad we don't
have a four-by-four.

Oh, I forgot.

We do!

♪ The stars have
lost Their glitter ♪

♪ The winds grow colder ♪

♪ And suddenly You're older ♪

♪ And all because ♪

♪ Of the man That got away ♪

Oh. No, no, no, no.

Drains the battery.

Okay, the bad news is they're
all out of cranberry sauce.

Stacey, Stacey, Stacey, Stacey.

We... Hey, we...

We can cut back on Route 8
and hit the, uh, Stop & Shop.

Uh, hey, did you hear that
Stop & Shop and A&P merged?

It's now known as Stop & P.

Just made that up.

Oh, okay, what-what's wrong?

Oh, I hate this Thanksgiving.

Ah, how come?

It mocks me!

I mean, I... I've always
dreamed about this.

Bringing home my new
husband for our first Thanksgiving,

and it would be nice
and warm and perfect.

And it is.

But instead of a
husband, I've got a Ned.

Aww, Stacey, don't-don't cry.

If you're gonna cry, could
you lean out the window,

'cause I haven't
Scotchgarded these seats yet.

I remember it was 1966

and I was doing
Bells Are Ringing

at Westbury Music Fair

with Hal Linden and
Mamie Van Doren.

You know them,
don't you, darling?

They're my parents.

Anyway, Hal was a dream
to work with, such a pro,

and Mamie with that
big, healthy, bosomy,

what you boys would
call, va-va-va-voom figure,

yet her singing,
completely flat.

So ironic.

Eric and Stacey back yet?

Ha-ha, look, Aunt
Ceil. Here's Amanda.

Amanda's come to visit,

and her favorite
musical is, uh...

one of those ones
you've been in.

And I've been in them all!

Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha.

See you in the spring.

Amanda, you remember when
your parents took you to see me

in My Fair Lady?

Um...

no.

Second week of rehearsal,

I said to Rex Harrison, I said:

"Darling, don't
sing, talk the lyric."

True story.

Cranberry sauce. Give us yours.

Ned, it's Eric.

Oh, Rico. Did you get
the cranberry sauce?

No, we couldn't find any,

but we've got a bigger problem.

Stacey does not want
to come back home.

No. She's a little
upset because,

well, because she's
married to you, Ned,

and she feels like
her life is ruined.

You didn't get the
cranberry sauce.

Yeah, no, all the stores
are either closed or sold out.

But, Ned, Stacey is really
freaked out, more so than usual.

I don't know what to do.

You're driving, right?

Uh-huh.

Okay. Open her door,
loosen her seat belt,

and take a sharp left.

With any luck, she'll fall
out, if not, apply the boot.

What's goin' on?

Your sister is trying to
ruin our Thanksgiving.

Now you make it right,

or Howard and I start throwing
out bodies into the snow.

Eric, it's me. Put Stacey on.

Stace, what's up?

Mm-hm.

Yeah.

Okay. So you're upset.

Just come home
and we'll talk about it.

What's going on?

I don't eavesdrop.

Stacey's acting up.

Stacey, for once we are having

a relatively decent
holiday here.

Stop acting like
a spoiled little brat

and get back and enjoy it.

And don't forget the
cranberry sauce, dammit!

My little horn o' plenty.

What's going on?
Is there a problem?

It's nothing, Ma.

Yeah, it's nothing, Ma.

Mind if I call you "Ma"?

Then why were you
screaming at your sister?

I wasn't screaming. It
was a bad connection.

Yeah, just a bad connection.

Gotta tell you, the warm,
joyous Thanksgiving is intact.

God bless us, everyone.

At least Amanda
talks to her sister,

unlike some other people
I don't wanna mention.

I have nothing to
say to that woman.

Oh, let's not do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Come on, let's just let
bygones be bygones.

In fact, I bet you two zany kids

don't even remember
why you're not speaking.

Her sister called her a bitch.

And for no reason.

Thank you, Auntie Mame.

And Jack Stacey
was one of those guys

who wanted to
talk after sex. Hah.

I mean, we would just
lie there and talk and talk

for hours and hours
about nothing, you know?

I'm beginning
to get the picture.

I mean, he was so
sweet, and smart...

Stacey, you know,
your-your pizza.

Oh. Sorry. You know, just...

I just blew him off.

I thought, I can't
marry Jack Stacey.

I'd be Stacey Stacey.
That wouldn't work.

Well, there's Sirhan Sirhan.

Oh, my God, you're right.

God.

Ah, Stacey, this is burlwood.

It's porous.

God, I was just so
young and arrogant.

I was sure I could
find the perfect guy,

who was sweet and nice,

and whose last name was
different from my first name.

But no, I just let him slip away

and now look where I am.

Mmmh. Okay.

Listen, I don't think we're
gonna find any cranberry sauce,

and I really don't think
there's anything about your life

that you haven't told me,

so why don't we just head
on back to your folks' house?

Oh, no, no, no, Eric.

I don't think I could
face going back to that...

happy home.

You borrowed her sweater.

Would it have been a big deal

if you had it Martinized
like she asked?

She never said Martinized.
She said dry cleaned.

What's the difference?

It's a patented process!

It's gonna be a
good Thanksgiving.

It's gonna be a
good Thanksgiving.

It's gonna be a
good Thanksgiving.

By the way, Ned,
your yams are on fire.

And why are you always
taking Sharon's side?

I'm not taking sides.

All I'm saying is that Sharon
was right and you were wrong.

Mommy, when do we
get to start the play?

It's a different
play now, honey.

We're doing Who's
Afraid of Virginia Woolf?

Huh?

Nothing. We'll do it when your
daddy and Aunt Stacey get back.

Why don't you run
upstairs and play?

Where in the hell are they?

The table is all wrong
without the cranberry sauce.

It's even listing to one side.

So move the rolls and shut up.

Sharon, Schmaron,
enough already.

Ha-ha-ha.

I know what's
going on here, Saul.

You've always had
a thing for Sharon.

I did not have a
thing for Sharon.

Know who had a thing for me?

Edward R. Murrow.

He used to drive in front of
my house and sit in his car...

He did not. You
didn't even know him.

I have letters. I'll tell
you what you got...

Don't talk to my
aunt like that...

Look, who's taking
the other side.

All right! Yeah?

That is enough!

I never had a sister
to borrow clothing from.

And Edward R. Murrow
never had a thing for me.

Tell you what I have had.

A long day slaving
in that kitchen,

cooking, and basting
and folding egg whites,

trying to make
this holiday special.

I did a Bob Hope
holiday special... No!

Hey, Neddy's right.

This is... This is silly.

Hey, look, Ellen, your sister
only lives two miles from here.

Why don't we go talk to her?

That's good.

Go.

Good, go. Go, good.

Simonize the sweater.

Do whatever you
have to do. And you.

You're comin' with me

on an all points cran-hunt.

I'm gonna find some,

even if it means prying it
from my dead, cold fingers.

In the meantime,

maybe we'll find our
frozen spouses somewhere.

You, Aunt Ceil,

you stay here,

and see if you can
think of any good stories.

Oh.

Okay, here you
are, safe and sound.

No perfect Thanksgiving.

A bunch of empty nothingness,
just what you wanted.

Thank you.

Oh, Eric, don't get
snow on the rug.

Okay.

Is there anything
else you need, Stacey?

No. I'm fine.

Good, good.

Then I'm going to rejoin
the land of the living,

and begin to enjoy
my Thanksgiving.

Oh, wait, wait. Look.

Officials say the George
Washington Bridge is now closed

and will remain so until snow
and icing conditions improve.

Both the Holland and
Lincoln Tunnels are reporting

two to three hour delays
due to heavy holiday traffic.

More on this story,

including road closures,
later in the newscast.

You were probably gonna
take one of those, huh?

Ha. No, no.

I was going to swim
across the Hudson

with my truck
strapped to my back.

It's not my fault
it's snowing out.

No, no, no.

And I guess it's not your fault

that I'm separated
from my loved ones

on this day of Thanksgiving,

and it's not your fault that
I'm cold, and I'm hungry,

but then I could always nosh
on the mozzarella cheese

and the Raisinets that are
congealing in my new ashtray!

Eric, what is going on?

You're the nice one.

Yeah?

Well, not anymore, baby.

I-I have cranberry
sauce in my shoe.

Hee-ha-ha.

I'm sorry, but I think it's
outrageous that that man

made us buy 33 turkey dinners
for $3 worth of cranberry sauce.

Well, missy, you
weren't the one paying.

Besides, you already
said, "No substitutions."

On the other hand,

his napkin overhead is
skyrocketing as we speak.

Ha-ha!

Look, Eric and Stacey
must be back by now.

Just get us home.

Ned, this is, uh,
my dad's old car.

It's not in the best condition,
so just, uh, slow down, okay?

Oh, gee, I said slow
down, so he goes faster.

What a surprise. Hm-hm.

You've forgotten, Elvira.

I'm not Eric and you
haven't crushed my manhood

in your Lee Press-On Nail grip.

Look, I know your
life is a miserable void,

but I have a family.

Ned!

Ohhh! Ahhh! Ah.

You know, I'm not so sure

we should have let the
kids take the Toronado.

Ah, it's all right.

You had the brakes
relined last month, right?

No, I got new floor mats.

Yes?

Sharon...

it's me, Ellen.

Ellen who?

I just know, somewhere
in Tenafly, New Jersey,

a turkey goes unbasted.

Doesn't it help if you put
something under the back tires?

Are you volunteering?

Look, instead of waiting
until I get hungry...

I'm just gonna start
eating you now.

You're so creepy.

So I... I guess this is
our Thanksgiving, huh?

Yep. This is it.

Pass the cranberry sauce!

Here you go.

Ahh.

Mmmm. Ohh.

So much for the main course.

Time for dessert.

Pass the cranberry sauce!

I was looking forward to
Thanksgiving with your parents.

You know, you have been
quite the happy Thanksgiving-boy.

What is that all about?

My Thanksgivings
were always pretty weird.

Especially the ones
I can remember.

It'd just be me, my mother,

the boyfriend of the week.

They'd have wild turkey

and pass out on the shag carpet.

It was really sweet.

At least your mother had
the decency to pass out.

My mother was so obsessed

with my consumption
of candied yams and pie.

Not that that compares.

So your Thanksgivings
were pretty sucky too.

Well, let's, uh,
put it this way.

This is one of the better ones.

So...

Did we just have a moment?

I hope not.

Cheers.

Cheers.

I love a parade.

Yeah.

Another Pop-Tart?

No, no, I'm still full

from the garlic ranch croutons.

Um...

Eric?

Yup?

I'm really sorry your
car got broken into.

That's okay.

They only took the
tires and the seats.

Well, you really shouldn't
park such a flashy car in the city.

Ellen, for crying out loud,

tell her what she wants
to hear before we freeze!

I don't know what
she wants to hear!

Yes, you do.

What? I'm sorry?

And it was at my birthday party

where Mickey first
met Judy Garland.

None of the other kids
wanted to sit next to Judy

because she was...

chunky. Okay?

So I said to Mickey, I said,
"Mickey, you sit next to her

because I sense a
special je ne sais quoi...