Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 8 - Halloween Story - full transcript

No, no, no, no,
don't go in there.

They're gonna kill you.

Go in! Go in!

No!

Turn around! Run!

Oh, God, I can't watch.

What's happening?

He turned around.

He ran.

Oh, God! You liar!

Ahh!



After devouring the antelope,

the wolves return to their cave

and sleep for several hours.

God, I hate nature.

Huh. Yeah, she's a mother.

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

It was business.
Strictly business.

Here's the deal.

To get the promotion,
I needed the wife.

See, to get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell, we
up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common?

We irritate each other. Right.

Enjoy the show.



And now back to Ricki Lake.

Today's topic:
compulsive overeaters

and the men who feed them.

Oh, shoot, I've seen this one.

Save some for me, Wilbur.

Did you get a haircut?

I'm Mr. Ned. Get it?

Rico and I are teaming up on
our Halloween costume this year.

What do you think?

Your creativity overwhelms me.

So, uh, what're you goin' as?

Cottage cheese past
the expiration date?

I'm not going to the party.

Why not?

I don't feel like it.

I'm tired, I'm bloated.

I've got a paper cut from my
New Yorker rejection letter.

Oh, man.

You know, it's just not gonna
be as much fun without you.

In fact, you know, if you're
not goin' I'm not goin'.

Really?

No.

Well, you know, when... whenever
I'm trying to be nice to you,

hey, don't push
it, all right? Okay.

Ooh. Ooh, that must be my ass!

Hey, Ned.

Oh, and who might
you be, little girl?

I'm J. Edgar Hoover
on his day off.

Glenda, the good witch.

So, where's Rico?

He's parkin' the
car. He'll be right up.

So, what're you wearing?

This.

You're going as Roseanne?

No, I'm not going at all.

Okay, I'm no a veterinarian,
but this feels wrong.

I thought you were
gonna be the bottom half.

Hey, hey, we flipped, remember?

It was tails you're the
head, heads you're the tail.

No, no, no, no, no.

It was tails you're the
head, heads you're the tail.

See, I told you it was
a sucky way to decide.

I think they're both
wearing the wrong half.

All right, all right.

Let's get down to the
costume shop before they close

and we'll pick up
the back end for you.

What? Me? Why do I
have to be the rear end?

I have allergies.

Hey, I'd still like to
know what kind of freaks

would rent the two bottom
halves of a horse suit.

Honey, come on.

I still want to know
why I couldn't be Zorro.

Hey, there were
only two costumes left

and that one made me look hippy.

I'm gonna go check out the food.

Why don't you two
have the first dance?

Ned, I am uncomfortable
wearing this thing.

Hey, man, you're always saying you
wanna break your humdrum routine.

You wanna do something
wild and unpredictable.

I was thinking of
starting a little slower,

you know, maybe a funny hat.

Hey, what're you
runnin' from, man?

What am I running from?

What about those
construction workers

hootin' at me down the
street? That was so demeaning!

Oh, cut it out. You loved it.

I saw the way you were thrusting
your breasts towards the sky.

Trick or treat!

Trick or treat!

We heard the TV.

All right, I'm coming,

little creeps.

Trick or treat.

Ooh, what scary costumes.

So is yours.

You know, I didn't think
there'd be so many of you

cute little youngsters
coming tonight,

so I really don't have too
many yummies left, but, um...

here's some nice, fresh produce.

Hey, what about those cupcakes?

They're mine.

Hey.

Listen, um, have
you seen my mother?

She said if we got separated
to meet back at the pretty bee.

That's quite a line.

Ha, well, it usually
doesn't work.

Good thing you're
weari" a bee costume.

You're a strange
one, aren't you?

Well, just misunderstood.

Hold me?

Ha-ha. You're just
lucky you're cute.

Ah, well.

Listen, uh, you wanna dance,

or maybe go up
on the roof, or...

perhaps I could just
carve a "Z" on your body.

Oh, you're kinky.

No, I'm Ned.

Better save some for the kids.

Oh, heh, just...

Some party, huh?

Oh, yeah.

So...

you here with anyone?

Oh, God, it's you.

You know, when you skulk
around in that costume,

you're even creepier than usual.

Uh, Amanda, right?

Yeah.

You're not Ned.

No. I'm Scott, remember?

Scott. Right.

I went out a couple of
times with your sister Stacey.

Oh, right.

A repeater.

Oh, wow, she really liked you.
Whatever happened to you guys?

Well, unfortunately, nothing.

I had to go to Japan for a
few months on business.

You really did go to Japan?

'Cause I just assumed...

Well, uh, never mind.

Well, I-I heard she got
engaged when I got back,

so, you know...

Oh, Gary?

Oh, that didn't happen.

Oh. So she's not married?

Well, uh, not so you'd notice.

Some talcum powder for you,

some aftershave.

Here's a lint brush

and some toilet tissue for you.

We want candy.

Hey, that's two ply.
It's better than candy.

Now scram, you little ingrates.

And stop stealing my newspaper!

Congratulations.

You've become the
disturbed old woman

that lives down the street.

Ugh. They're like cockroaches.

You get rid of two of
'em and four more come.

What are you doing back?

Remember Scott Malone?

Oh, yeah. The one
who went to Japan.

Yeah, and guess where he is now?

Korea?

No, at the party.

He is?

Yes, and he asked about you
and I told him you were coming,

so come on, get ready.

Oh, oh, I can't go. I'm
having a pizza delivered.

Oh, come on, Stace.

You rented that
cute little costume.

Just... We'll slap
some makeup on you.

You'll look great.

I don't know.

Trick or treat.

Let's take the fire escape.

You little tease.

Where did you run off to?

I thought you
might like a drink.

A-ha, you know, I've...
I've gotta stop you.

The-the thing is, I'm a guy.

Oh, I know that.

Oh, God, I don't know
why I picked this costume.

Everyone hates bees.

Oh, hey, there he is.

Oh, my God.

He still has that
cute little butt.

So go.

Go!

Stacey?

Yeah?

It's Scott.

Scott?

Scott Malone? Oh, my God!

Isn't this something?
Running into each other.

You, me, both here.

Wow! Ha-ha!

You look great, Stacey.

Very bee-utiful.

Ha-ha-ha. Bee-utiful.

You wanna get some air?
It's really nice up on the roof.

Sure.

Listen, I'm just gonna
go and powder my stinger.

I'll meet you up there.

I'll get you a
strawberry margarita.

You remember.

Strawberry margarita.

Oh, yes.

So, Zorro, what do you do

when you're not using your
super powers to fight crime?

Well, actually, Zorro had
no super powers, but luckily...

I do.

So, you wanna get out of here?

Just let me say goodbye
to the guy I came with.

I'll meet you by the front door.

Well, you are a busy little bee.

What did you say?

What did you say?

Ned?

Stacey?

Oh, my God.

All right, all right.

Just don't panic.

First things first.

Everybody okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

What the hell were you doing?

Well, I thought you
were somebody else.

I thought you were
somebody else.

You're supposed to be home.

You're supposed to be a horse.

Okay, okay.

Let's don't panic.

Yeah. I mean, it's
sort of ridiculous.

Me kissing you.

Yeah, you know, how
do you think I feel?

So, I guess we oughta
just get back to the party.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay.

Hey, you know, as
far as I'm concerned,

that kiss never even happened.

¿Donde esta el "smoocho?"

So long.

Catch you later!

Amanda!

What? Why are you yelling?

Something very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very

bad has happened.

Boy, these appetizers suck.

Amanda!

What?

I made out with Ned.

Why?

I thought he was Scott and
he thought I was someone else.

Ewww.

It gets worse.

How?

I liked it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no...

A lot! Ah!

Oh, my God, what am I gonna do?

I don't know.

Oh, wait a minute.

It's no big deal.

It isn't?

No.

You only liked the kiss

because you didn't know
you were kissing Ned.

No, I thought I
was kissing Scott.

Exactly.

So, I only enjoyed it because
I thought I was kissing Scott?

Right.

Oh, here you are.

I have to be sure.

Oh, no.

I didn't like it!
It was nothing!

Rico, I gotta talk to you.

What part of no
didn't he understand?

Rico!

What?

I made out with Stacey.

Well, that's great. I knew you
two kids would get together.

No, no. It was a mistake.

I can't even
believe it happened.

I was so confused.

The lights were playing
funny tricks with my head,

eating a lot of candy.

Hey, come on, Ned.

So-so you kissed
her. It was a mistake.

I mean, you-you didn't
do anything wrong.

Why do I feel so dirty?

Well, I-I-I don't know, Ned, but
I gotta get out of this costume.

The Tokyo subway is
much better than ours.

Best in the world.

It actually handles like a
million people during rush hour.

They have guys whose job it
is to push people in the doors.

Uh-huh. Fascinating.

Oh, and the bullet train

gets you from Tokyo to
Kyoto in less than one hour.

Less?

Yeah, less. Huh.

Hey.

Have you seen a good lookin',
blond in a nurse's uniform?

No, sir.

You here with anybody?

I see you still haven't
found your mommy.

Oh, let's just get the
hell out of here, okay?

Oh, wait. I love this song.

Come on. One dance.

And the really interesting thing
about Japanese currency is that

all the little serial numbers
are written backwards on...

and the yen is falling in
value relative to the dollar...

You're turning me
on. Let's dance.

Having a good time?

Oh, yeah. Having a blast.

Me, too.

You have such
strong arms, Scott.

Ah, now that's the
way a bee should sting.

As if I'm listening.

Who's he?

My husband.

Look, Ned, you have
to you have to grow up.

You're acting like you're
in junior high school.

Am not.

He's your husband?

Huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look, it's obvious that
you liked kissing me,

so you might as well admit
it so we can deal with it.

Oh, you liked it so
way more than me.

I'm a little confused here.

Well, obviously, if you're
with this winner over here.

Oh, insulting my date, eh?

Look, honey, all the
way from Mayberry.

Aunt Bea and Goober.

Uh, pardon me?

All right, that's it!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

You wanna settle
this? Right here?!

Right here! Right now?!

Right now!

Sex! Sex on the floor!

Right now!

And I can guarantee
you one thing.

I ain't gonna be likin' it!

And I can promise you, I'm
gonna hate every second of it,

of which I'm sure there
won't be very many.

That does it. I'm outta here.

Jack, let's go.

These people are sick.

Goodnight.

No, it was a bad
night. Very bad night.

So, what are we gonna do, huh?

I don't know, Stacey. You
know we kissed, we liked it.

The marriage
could be in trouble.

I know.

And I like this
apartment so much.

You know, perhaps
a trial separation.

Get that old spark
of indifference back.

Well, look, we only enjoyed
kissing each other once, right?

Yeah.

You know, I'd be willing
to bet if we kissed again,

it would suck.

Okay. Come on. Throttle up.

Ned?

What?

You're not doin'
what you were doin'.

What thing?

Your hand up my back to my hair.

I have no idea what
you're talking about, Stacey.

Yes, circular massaging
upward motion...

Okay. Got it. Got it.

Ow, ow, you're clawing me.

Ah, you know what?

As long as you're on the
subject of technique, you know,

you were doing this
nibbling, kissing, purring thing

around-the-ear move.

Now, come on.
Nibble, kiss and purr.

Nibble, kiss and purr.

That was not
nibble, kiss and purr.

Oh, just forget this.
This is such a stupid idea.

Hm. Gee, gosh, don't
know whose idea it was.

Well, excuse me
for trying to save

this pathetic excuse
for a marriage.

Well, just give up, missy.

Wait a minute...

I'm really not
liking you right now.

This is good.

You know, I'm gettin'
back that old feeling

of wanting to run you
through a paper shredder.

A-ha... yes!

I wouldn't kiss you if
my life depended on it.

Come here, you.

Come on!