Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 7 - Here's to You, Mrs. Binder - full transcript

- Why Stacey?
- Why Ned?

- It was business.
- Strictly business.

Here's the deal: To get the
promotion, I needed the wife.

To get a life, I
needed his apartment.

So, what the hell?
We up and got married.

The only thing we
have in common:

We irritate each other.

Right. Enjoy the show.

Hey, a putter.

I don't play golf
but thanks, Lou.

Ah, let's see what
we got next here.



That one's from me, Daddy.

Now don't rip the
paper, I wanna save it.

Spend a buck and a
half for a new roll, will ya?

So, what'd you get him?

Slippers. Ooh, clever choice.

Were they out of the
Old Spice gift sets?

For your information,

I give him slippers
every year on his birthday.

It's a fun tradition we have.

M-hmm. Right. He loves it.

Slippers!

Thanks, cookie.

Again with the slippers?

Ah, not so fast, Saul.



Here's mine.

Oh, thanks, Lucy.

It's the new Tony Bennett
CD. He's hip again, you know?

Yeah.

He was Milty's favorite, huh?

Yeah.

Milton passed away recently.

Oh, that's why he was in a
coffin the last time we saw him.

Well, everybody seems
to be enjoying themselves.

It's a nice party, Mom.

Poor Lucy Binder
losing Milton like that.

I thank God every day for
your father's healthy colon.

Oh, stop. Oh, God. Mom, please.

Well, have you talked
to her yet this evening?

I waved.

Now, listen, you two,

I want you to spend a
little time with her tonight.

She's always taken
an interest in your lives.

That's because she's nosy.

No. Yes, Mom.

That time I was making out
with Sean Maguire in the den

and she knocked on the window.

"Darling, they won't buy the cow

if they can get
the milk for free."

She was right.

Hi. Can I help?

Come on in, Lucy.

Be nice.

Hello, girls.

Hi. How you doing?
Hi, Mrs. Binder. Hi.

Look at you, so
happy, so beautiful.

You with the mouth, I knew
you'd be fine, but our little Stacey,

gawky with all the braces, a
head taller than all the boys,

and now glowing,
happily married.

Still a little thin.

Hey, who do I have to sleep
with to get some rugalah?

Ned, darling, have you met
our neighbor, Mrs. Binder?

No, I don't think I
have. Ned Dorsey.

Damn glad to see you.

Hello.

Well, you obviously have tons
to talk about, so don't mind us.

Oh, coffee's done.
Come on, Stace. Let's...

See you later. Bye.

That was a smooth exit. Mm-hmm.

Oh, they're such good girls.

You and Stacey make
an adorable couple.

And from what I hear it was
quite a whirlwind romance.

Well, we had to get married.
She got me in trouble.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha. That's cute.

Anyway, congratulations.
Thank you.

Mmmm. I can't get
enough of these tomatoes.

These are so scrumptious.

You know, I grew those little
darlin's on my own balcony.

No? Yes.

Impossible.

Possible.

On your balcony?

I have a greenhouse and I
can't even come close to that.

Greenhouse?

Sounds like you're
a fellow horticulturist.

I've been called worse.

Oh, look at this.

Oh, this is amazing.

Ah, you've got gladiolus

and you got tulips, snapdragons.

Oh, I've discovered
the Garden of Eden

right here in
Tenafly, New Jersey.

Okay.

And what have we got here?

Oh, these are my little daffies.

See? Daffodils in autumn.

How naughty.

You should see my
poinsettias in July.

Red or white? Both.

Ooh, I like your moxie.

Well, it's not really moxie,

I just have a lot of
time on my hands.

You know, gardening's
a very good companion.

Ah, yes, I know
exactly what you mean.

Yeah, I-I can spend
hours out on my balcony

and feel like there's not
another human being on Earth.

Well, but of course,
you have Stacey.

Who?

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, she's there.

Listen, if you like
gardening, and clearly you do,

you should check
out the flower exhibits

at the Renaissance Fair.

I was thinking of
going this year.

Yeah? Well, maybe
I'll see you up there.

I'll be the one in the
cranberry tunic and '67 Cadillac.

Hard to miss.

Oh, you go in full
garb? How fun.

Yeah.

You know, I'm going,
and if you'd like to go,

it would be a pleasure
to pick you up on the way.

Well... sure.

D-do you know
anything about roses?

Mine had a terrible
time this year.

Hmm. Well, they're droopy
little goobers, aren't they?

Oh, I-I know.

Help me.

Well, it looks like the problem
is actually in the pruning.

Oh. Gotta come in
a little steeper get...

Give'em a sharper
angle right there. Ah-ha.

Well, actually, you gotta
make a real clean cut.

Just like that. Ah.

You know, you've got
very soft hands, Mrs. Binder.

I use Palmolive.

Ah, you know, I-I'm not
sure that I can make it,

now that I think about it.

Right. You know the weekend's
not really good for me either.

Yeah, it's-it's a very, very
busy time of the weekend.

Right. Right, I'm swamped too.

I-I guess we should get
back to the party, huh?

Right. Ah, Party.
Let's get... Party.

Oh.

"Rating the sex
in your marriage.

"When I have sex with
my husband, it usually lasts:

Less than 10 minutes.

Ten to 30 minutes.

Thirty to 60 minutes."

Well?

Isn't there a D?

Whoa!

Hey, I've had him since college.

You gotta train them
when they're young.

Hello. Hello, girls.

Ah, Stacey, a good-hair day.

You were due for one.

Look at you, Amanda.

Oh, words can't
describe... Oh, come here.

Aaah. Get off. What
the hell is your problem?

Nuttin'! Nuttin'.
Just feelin' groovy.

Hello, New York.

♪ Start spreadin' the news ♪

What the hell is with him?

I don't know.

He's been like this all week.

Sort of friendly and
smiley and happy.

Uhhh.

Oh, Mr. Dooligan.

How's the wife and kids? Ah-ha.

Timmy, you better
slow down, young fella.

I've heard enough.

I'm leaving. I'll
call you tomorrow.

Yeah. Hey, where
you goin', jelly bean?

Why don't you just
stay for dinner with us?

Oh, I would love to, Ned,
but, frankly, I'm afraid.

Oh, she is nice.

Listen, I'm gonna
do some laundry

and I'm willing to do
your undergarments.

Oh, okay, okay.

You have to tell me
what the hell is...? Whoa.

What is that smell?

Hm? I-I don't smell anything?

Are you wearing Jean Naté?

Okay. You know they
make a nice after-bath splash

and it makes me
feel fresh and pretty.

Uh-huh-oh. I think I'm
starting to understand this now.

The light and airy mood, the
scent of a woman's perfume.

Ned, are you involved in
some qausi-normal relationship?

Don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, yes, you do. Who is she?

When do I meet her?

Well, let's see.

Today's Tuesday.
Wednesday's no good.

Ah, how about never?

Come on. I'm your wife.

I have a right to know
who you're dating.

It's not the woman from
the video store, is it?

'Cause she's a man.

The one in the fishnets?

Ha.

Come on. Who is she?

Well, look, Stacey, since
when did you have any interest

in anyone else's life
other than your own?

I'm just fascinated by this rare
sensitive side of Ned Dorsey.

Yeah? Well, here
comes the backside.

You know, usually I love
the Museum of Modern Art,

but what's going on these days?

Everything is sex, sex, sex.

I don't know, Ellen.
Sex can be good.

Feh.

Lucy, is that a new suit?

Yeah, I got it on Tuesday.

I was in the mood
to treat myself.

Good for you.

You know, it's fabulous
the way you bounced back.

Well, life is for the living.

I suppose.

Where are the girls?

They should have
been here by now.

Girls? What girls?

Girls. Over here.

Twenty minutes. Then we flee.

Oh, like I want to stay all day?

Girls!

Hi, Mom. Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Nice to see you two.

Ten minutes late, but at least
I'm not alone like last time.

Mrs. Binder, you look so good.

Doesn't she? I
was just saying that.

Are you doing something
different with your hair?

Well, yes. Yes.

A friend of mine
recommended a more flattering...

Yes.

No, no, no.

It's more than the hair.

Oh, Mrs. Binder, I
think I know what it is.

You do?

You've been
exercising, haven't you?

Oh, yes. Yes, that's it.

I have a personal trainer.

I'm going to the ladies'
room. Order me a cobb salad.

Okay. No bacon,
no egg, no cheese.

Oil and vinegar on the side,

and if the tomatoes
are not finely chopped,

tell them I am sending it back.

I just love ordering
for you, Mom.

It's hassle-free and
not embarrassing at all.

Don't be fresh.

What are you having?

Oh, probably just
a veggie plate.

Ah, Stacey?

Hm?

How are you and Ned doing?

Oh, just fine and dandy.

He makes you happy, dear?

Oh, yeah. He's everything to me.

My life would be
empty without him.

You wanna split a sandwich?

Mrs. Binder, is everything
all right over there?

What's wrong with her?

Well, I'm sure
spending the entire day

at the museum with
Mom has broken her.

Oh, Stacey, this is terrible.

I hate myself.

Um, why do you hate yourself?

Well, because your Ned
and I are having a... thing.

An affair. We're
having an affair!

Stoli. Right here.

I can't face your mother.

Will you just tell her
I'm not feeling well?

I'm so very sorry.

The floor in that bathroom.

Don't get me started.

Ned?

Yo!

Um, I'm home.

As am I.

Listen, Ned, I uh...

Hmmm. Not what I was expecting.

You know, I'm... I'm headed
up to the Renaissance Fair

at Sommersville.

Okay.

You know, you gotta
love the Renaissance.

Pigs on a spit, lusty wenches,

explorers in the New
World raping and pillaging.

A lot of good stuff!

Oh, I've misplaced
my stabbing knife.

You know, Ned, I had a
pretty interesting day today.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

I worked in the morning, went
shopping at Barneys' with Amanda

and had lunch with
my mother and...

Mrs. Binder.

Sounds like a lovely day.

You remember Mrs.
Binder, don't you?

You met her at my
father's birthday party.

Mrs. Binder? Mrs. Binder?

Mrs. Bin-mmm-no.
No, don't, don't know.

No?

Well, anyway, considering that
she was widowed quite recently,

she was lookin'
pretty chipper today.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Well, good for Mrs. Binder.

Well, you know, Ned,

I don't know how good
it is for Mrs. Binder.

Not good for Mrs. Binder?

No, Ned, it's not good for Mrs.
Binder, if out of her loneliness

she's latched on to
some quick fix solution

that's just gonna
blow up in her face,

and in the face of whomever
she may have latched onto.

Come on, Stacey.

If Mrs. Binder and
whomever are happy,

then perhaps you should
mind your own business.

It may be none of my business,

but it's clear that Mrs.
Binder and whomever

are deluding
themselves into thinking

that this can actually work out.

Oh, come on, Stacey.

Don't act like you care about
Mrs. Binder or whomever.

Look. Ned, Mrs. Binder
confessed the whole thing

to Amanda and I at lunch today.

Oh! That's just
great! I can see it now.

You two harpies pecking
away at her until she caved in.

There was no pecking
involved. She just told us.

Ned, what are you thinking?

This is Mrs. Binder. This
is my mother's best friend.

She did car pools with us.

We had sleepovers at her house.

What a coincidence.

Ned, you cannot start
rummaging in my life

for your kinky little stopovers.

Hey you know what?

Maybe you didn't appreciate this

from the back of
the station wagon,

but Mrs. Binder happens to be

a vibrant, sensual,
beautiful woman.

And what we have together is
honest, and good, and sincere.

Yeah, well, what about
the fraudulent, sordid,

crummy thing we have together?

Don't you care about that?

Maybe I don't.

Okay.

Fine.

Do your thing.

If you're willing to let
this marriage dissolve,

than I certainly am.

You go and give
up your promotion

and move in with Mrs. Binder,
and I'll keep the apartment.

You just say the
word and it's done.

You know, as enjoyable
as it would be to sit here

and listen to you
twaddle on all afternoon,

in 45 minutes I have to have
a horse up to ramming speed.

Hello, milady.

I've slew many of the kingdom's
bastards to be in your embrace.

Hello, Ned.

Gadzooks. What a
fine wench she be. Oh.

Your carriage
awaits. Let's hurry.

Perhaps we can stop at Stuckey's

for pecan logs and
Vienna sausages.

Ned, I'm not so sure
this is such a good idea.

No, no. No. No.
Now, don't say that.

You've put on your farthingale,
cinched up your bosom,

let's just get the
hell out of here!

Ned. Ned. I-I told
Stacey about us.

It doesn't matter.

What do you mean it doesn't
matter? She's your wife.

Why does everybody make
such a big deal out of that?

Hello? Lucy? You in there?

Hey, Lucy, I was wondering
if I could borrow... Whoa!

Ned!

Hey, Saulie.

Ah, Saul you know
Ned, don't you?

Of course you do,
he's your... Oh, God.

So, what's goin' on, you two
out here in the fancy getups?

Mrs. Binder and I
are having an affair.

You slay me, kiddo.

No, actually, Saul, I
came by to pick her up

to go see the flower exhibits
at the Renaissance Fair.

Oh, that's thoughtful.

Don't you just love this kid?

Ha-ha-ha.

Saul? Saul, where are you?

Ah, no place to hide.

I'm in the
greenhouse! I'm comin'.

Meatloaf is on the table!

The meatloaf.

Can I borrow a hacksaw?

See you, Lucy. Bye.

See you, Neddie.

Bye, Saul.

So? Ready to go?

We're not going, are we?

No.

Ohh.

This is over, isn't it?

Oh, Ned, if only you
weren't married to Stacey.

You know that graft you
made on the gardenia took.

It's thriving.

Ah. It's too bad I won't
be around to see it bloom.

Goodbye, Ned.

Your turn, Stace.

Your turn! Hm? Hm?

Oh, oh, sorry. Ahh.

Okay. Here.

"Pen." That's five points.

Okay, what's the score now?

Let's see, Amanda
has 142, I have 127,

and you have... eiqht.

I don't wanna play anymore.

What...? Oh, here we go again.

What?

Oh, please. I have
vivid memories of you

trying to flush the little
Candy Land pieces

down the toilet.

Hi. Hey. Hey.

How was the fair?

Well, I didn't quite
make it to the fair.

Mrs. Binder broke up with me.

Oh, I guess you won't be
able to use her senior discount

at the movies anymore, huh?

It's easy to be hard, isn't it?

Wanna hang out with us a
while? Play some Scrabble?

No.

Thanks.

That poor guy.

I'd love to see him find
that one special relationship

that really goes the distance.

I mean, you're his wife.

Can't you fix him
up with somebody?

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, Rico.

It's, uh...

It's raining.

Yeah, rainy days and
Mondays always get me down.

You and Mrs. Binder...

You'd only just begun.

And just like me
she longed to be...

close to you.

You need some new tapes, Rico.

Come here, Ned. Come here.

Eric! Leave him alone
and get in here. It's pouring.

It's okay, man.

Just go be with her...

because she loves you.

Ned, come inside.

No, thanks.

There, that's better.

For what it's worth, Ned,

I'm really sorry things
couldn't work out

with you and Mrs. Binder.

God!

What kind of universe is this

where a man can't love his
fake wife's mother's best friend?

Come on, Ned, let's go
inside. I'll make us some cocoa.

With little marshmallows?

Sure. And tequila?

Um... sure.

Guess I won't be
needing this anymore.

No, wait, wait. You
have to hold onto that.

Why?

'Cause you press it in a book.

And then one night when you're
home alone you take it down,

look at it, relive your
heartbreak, get depressed,

pig out on ice cream, and
then go to bed nauseous.