Ned and Stacey (1995–2017): Season 1, Episode 6 - Saul and Ellen and Ned and Stacey - full transcript
Stacey gets upset with Ned when he starts spending so much time with her parents.
Mr. Ned, you got some
serious music happening here.
Well, you know, I like to
dabble in the classics, Rico.
♪ Do that to me one more time ♪
♪ Once is never enough ♪
♪ For a man like you ♪
♪ Do it to me one more time
I can never get enough... ♪
Enough!
And enough it is.
Oh, I love that Toni Tenille.
Well, the Captain
caught a free ride,
didn't he, Rico?
Ha... Howard.
I told you, A-Aunt Stacey
doesn't like it when
you do that, Howard.
Howard.
Gimme that! Gimme...
No, it's mine! Hey!
Give it back! Hey, kids!
Now, I will turn
this car right around!
I don't know why
we're doing this tonight.
We just saw Mom and Dad
at Milton Binder's funeral.
Yeah, and what
a delight that was.
We're in a room with
an embalmed corpse,
and Mom tells me I look pale.
Yeah, old Morty went out
in style, didn't he, Rico?
'65 Lincoln hearse.
That lucky stiff.
Mm-hm.
And she is going to
comment on everything I eat.
I swear, she still
remembers that Lorna Doone
I had in 1981.
That lucky stiff.
I just got that!
That's good.
Oh, God, and she's
gonna start in on me
about having a baby
before it's too late.
Oh, God!
Why are we doing this?
What are you asking me for?
You're the one
who made the plans.
I did not.
Yes, you did.
Eric, what did my mother
say when you talked to her?
She said these two
were coming to dinner
and she expected us too.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I did not arrange
this little get together.
Well, I didn't.
Well, I know I didn't.
♪ Ninety-nine bottles
of beer on the wall ♪
Rump... Rump roast.
Uh, brisket. Meat.
- Meat, meat!
- Yeah, meat.
Meat what? Meet in a building...
"Meet Me In St. Louis!"
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Oh, yes.
Okay, okay.
Come on, you guys.
We're not out of this yet.
We quit.
Well, now we're out of it.
Ah, gee, this is terrific, to
see so much of you kids.
First Milty Binder's
funeral and now this?
Gee, what a great week.
Not to mention the
extra bonus you got.
Neddie took you to a Mets game.
You took my father
to a Mets game?
Well, yeah.
It was Father-Son Day.
A fancy corporate box, no less,
right in the middle
of all the big shots.
Neddie, have you
tried my rugulah yet?
No. What is it?
You've never had rugulah?
Do you believe that?
He's never had rugulah.
I'll alert the media.
Oh, this is like a little piece
of deep-fried love.
You're having
another one, darling?
Guess not.
Hey!
The Braves are in town Sunday.
Eric? Ned? Howie?
What do ya say?
My treat. I'm there.
Hey, Howie, what do ya say?
Well, he's up for it.
Girls, while the boys
are doing their thing,
why don't we go
shopping at Loehmann's?
I got a friend in from out
of town. I'm really busy...
You're always so busy, you two.
So, Stacey, darling,
do you think you'll take
some time off from work soon?
You know, maybe...
make a little cousin for Howie.
I'm free now.
Let's get the goats
off the bed, darlin'.
At the moment, Ned and I
aren't even thinking
about having a baby.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
Oh, for crying out loud, Ellen.
Stop with the ticking
and tocking, will ya?
Excuse me, I'm
feeling a little nauseous.
Morning sickness, maybe.
Oh, God, I need air.
Mom has sucked all the
oxygen out of that room.
God, my head is gonna explode.
All this stuff about
babies and babies and...
I'm not gonna have
any babies, am I?
Oh, calm down, okay?
You'll have a baby.
You just gotta serve out
your two years with Ned.
Meet some new guys.
Then date for a while.
Pick the right one.
How old are you?
Oh, God!
God, what is wrong with him?
Why did he drag us here?
I have no idea!
I mean, I got married mainly
to get out of this house,
and here I am again,
tormented by Big Ben.
Where the hell does
she hide the Bugles?
♪ If I were a rich man ♪
♪ Ya-la-la-la-la-fa-fa-fa-foo ♪
♪ All day long I'd
pitty-pitty-boom ♪
♪ If I were a wealthy man ♪
♪ I wouldn't have
To work hard... ♪
Check the house for pods.
♪ If I were a rich man
Yaba, yaba, yaba, yaba ♪
♪ Yaba-daba-doo ♪
♪ If I were a... ♪
Ned?
Yes, daughter of Saul.
You seem to be really
enjoying my parents' company.
Oh, yeah. Your parents
are great, Stacey.
You know, your
father's so much fun,
and he's so full
of life. And your...
Hey, your mother
is just... so...
Suffocating?
Well, you know,
too much attention
is better than none at all.
You know, when I was, like, ten,
I ran away from home for a week.
When I got back, my mother said,
"You're late for dinner.
Start cooking."
Really?
Yeah, it was no biggie.
Look, Ned, I gotta tell you,
I don't think it's
such a good idea
that you spend this much
time with my parents.
Why?
I mean, it's just not right.
I mean, we're
not really married,
so they're not
really your in-laws.
Yeah, but they don't know that.
But you do.
Well, I can overlook it.
No. No, no, no.
You can't overlook it.
They're falling
in love with you.
Really?
Did they say something?
Ned, you just gotta cool it.
It'll make life a lot
easier for all of us, okay?
Okay?
Okay.
Pass me a piece of
rugulah, would ya?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
I thought you were... I
thought you were gonna be out
at an appointment.
Oh, it got cancelled.
Where have you been?
Oh, I was, uh... over...
You know, over, uh...
Racquetball.
Isn't that your racquetball
stuff right there?
Ka-ho! Yes, it is!
I forgot that, and
at the club, I...
I, you know... I rented
some other stuff.
Boy, what a racket that is.
Get it?
Ned.
Huh?
What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
Let me see that.
No. It's mine! Ned.
Let me see that bag, please.
Oh, Loehmann's.
Now, who might you have
gone to Loehmann's with?
Perhaps...
my mother?
Yeah, yeah.
Actually, your mother
and Estelle Tischler.
Estelle Tischler?
You just don't like
anyone, do ya?
Look, what can I tell ya?
Your mother called,
said she needed a lift.
Estelle was on her way over.
We shopped. We lunched.
We shopped. Went to
the cemetery. Came home.
I guess it's time
for another talk
about inappropriate behavior.
Already?
Okay, I think I understand
what's going on here.
Obviously, my parents
fill some sort of deep void
that is left over
from your childhood.
I wish they did the same for me,
but that's another matter.
Look, Stacey, ya know,
I... I'm really enjoying this.
I mean, I like being
treated like a son.
You know, your father,
he and I tell stupid jokes.
We talk baseball.
Your mother tells
me to sit up straight,
pinches me, feeds me...
That stuff rules.
"Rules" as it may, let me
remind you that our marital bliss
is scheduled to end in one
year, ten months, and two days.
Actually, three days.
Next year's a leap year.
Look, Ned, don't you
see what this is about?
If you let my parents get
so attached to you now,
they're gonna be very,
very hurt and confused
when we split up.
No, that's not necessarily true.
A lot of divorced spouses
will still continue
a relationship
with their in-laws.
Ya know, Sally Jessy
did a whole thing on that.
Sally Jessy aside, when
I bring my new husband
to my parents' house
for Thanksgiving,
you will not be invited.
I don't think that's
your decision.
Okay, okay, okay.
That is it.
That is it!
No more Mrs. Nice Guy.
You have your rules
for this little arrangement.
Now here's mine.
You are forbidden, forbidden,
to see my parents unless
I say it is necessary,
and I can promise you, buster,
that that's not gonna
happen very often.
That is so unfair!
Yeah, he teaches
down at NYU. Uh-huh.
I met him at a cannoli
place down there.
No, he's not major cute,
but he's got this
sort of good-natured,
sensitive thing going.
Yeah.
Look, if you think my butt looks
big in these jeans, just say so.
I think we both know
I have bigger things on
my mind than your butt.
Yeah, yeah.
No, Amanda, I gotta go.
He's gonna be here any second.
Yeah, I'll call you
tomorrow. Bye.
Okay, Neil and I are gonna
be back here around 10:30.
You gonna be gone by then?
Yes.
I have a life, too, thank you.
You are not cute when you pout.
Hello. Hi.
Hope I'm not late, or early.
No, no, no. You're fine.
Come on in.
Neil, this is Ned. Ned, Neil.
I'll be back in a second, okay?
Yeah, take your time.
So you're the fake husband
I heard so much about, huh?
Yeah, well, it's a day job.
Ah, marriage, day
job of the nineties.
Hey, you could use that
in one of your ad
campaigns, huh?
Yeah, that's funny stuff.
Funny, sensitive,
good-natured stuff.
Ah.
Ready?
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, let's go.
Ah, I got it.
You crazy kids, you
go and have fun, huh?
Hello?
Oh, uh...
Hi, how are ya?
Huh?
Uh, pretty... Pretty good.
Uh, no, that doesn't
sound like a problem.
Rugulah?
Who is that?
Huh?
Oh, it's, uh, it's my
racquetball partner,
Bill Rugulah.
So, Ruggie... Give me that.
Hello?
Hello, Dad.
Really?
No, Ned didn't tell me
that he got you tickets
for Damn Yankees tonight.
Yes.
Yes, that'll be fine.
I love you.
They're stopping by to see
us on the way to the theater.
I have to watch you
every minute, don't I?
Hey, I got him those
tickets a month ago,
before you imposed your
no-see-Dad-and-Mom rule.
Don't get all smirky with me.
All right, look, I'm gonna
be the mature one here.
If you feel this
strongly about it,
I will call them right
now, and I will cancel.
Ha-ha.
Come on!
Uh, Stacey, you know, we
can do this on another night.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
No, Neil, tonight is fine.
I mean, we won't have time to go
for that walk in the park,
but my parents will be gone
in time for us to still
catch the movie. Okay?
Okay. I'll see you
there about 8?
Yeah. Okay.
Bye, Ned.
Call me, Neil.
♪ If I was a rich man ♪
So he said the skirt
steak was on sale.
I said the porterhouse.
I told him, "Look at
the sign in the window."
He said, "That's the
sign from last week."
I said, "Yes, but
I'm here this week."
Long story short,
guess who walks away
with a porterhouse
for the skirt steak price?
That's a hell of
parking spot, huh?
Oh, you can't give up
a parking spot like that, Saul.
40 years I'm parking,
I never got a spot like that.
Well, you know what?
To keep your parking spot,
to hell with it, the
two of ya move in.
That's funny.
Hey, he's a funny guy, Stace.
Oh, yes.
Ours is a laughy, laughy home.
Hey, Ellen, you know
with a spot like that,
we ought to just
leave the car here
and take a cab to the theater.
Oh, speaking of which,
it's 7:32. Don't you have to go?
No, we got plenty of time.
Plenty of time!
Let's go, Saul.
I like to get there early,
see who's in the
audience, settle in.
You know, the last time,
Phil Donahue was
right in front of us.
I think he had his eyes done.
Well, he's not a kid anymore.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Have a good time at the theater.
Well, thank you again, Neddie,
for the wonderful tickets.
Yeah, call me tomorrow, Ned.
Okay.
Tomorrow's no good for me, Saul.
Well, whatever.
We'll talk, okay?
All right. Uh...
We had some good times, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very, very good times.
Goodbye, darling.
Bye. Bye. Come on, Saul.
Bye-bye. Have a good time.
Okay.
Soon as they clear the building,
I'm outta here.
I assume you plan to skulk
around the theater district
until Damn Yankees gets out.
No, I won't be skulking.
I've got a date tonight.
Oh, surprise, surprise!
It's a wonder you can think
of anyone but my parents.
You seem distant.
Huh?
No, no, no, no, that was great.
So!
What do you wanna
do on our date tonight?
I don't know.
What do you wanna do?
Ever seen Damn Yankees?
Oh, oh!
Oh, it's late.
That's probably my
wife and her boyfriend.
Should I hide?
Oh, no, don't be silly.
I'll be right back.
Hey, hey!
What're you doing back here?
Come on in.
How was the show?
Well, Jerry Lewis was a delight,
but, darling, we have
far bigger problems.
Yeah, we came
back to get the car.
It's blocked in by a big truck.
Not a driver in sight.
Can I use your phone, son?
Hey, don't even ask.
Here.
Saul, I copied the
name off the truck.
Gambino Linen Supply Company.
Wait, I'll give 'em
a piece of my mind.
You wait and see.
Where's Stacey?
Oh, she went out to the store.
She'll be back in a minute.
Um, I'm gonna go get dressed.
Take your time, Neddie.
Make sure you ask for the boss.
Yeah, yeah.
Is it your wife?
No, her parents.
Oh, those people you
were telling me about.
Can I meet them?
Uh, it's probably not
a good time right now.
Listen, can we just finish
our date on another night?
Yeah.
Can I take the apple?
Yeah.
Is he on yet?
No.
What do they think,
they're above the law?
Ellen, how do I know?
I haven't talked to anybody yet.
The nerve of those guys.
Yay, teamwork!
Look, Stacey's home,
and she brought our
good friends, the Lippmans!
You're such an
interesting couple.
Tell me, how did you two meet?
Oh, uh, well, I was teaching
my biomedical engineering
course at NYU, and... uh...
And I was a bartender
at The Half Moon Saloon.
Yeah, and... And on a
whim I went out for a beer.
And on a whim, I enrolled
in a biomedical
engineering course.
And the rest is history.
How nice.
Saul, the Gambinos
still have you on hold?
I don't mind. They're playing
nothing but Sinatra.
Dad, Ned can drive
you home if you want.
Or you could take
a cab. We'll pay.
Ah, no, no, no.
I'm not leaving a nice
Buick Regal in this jungle.
What are you doing?
Hey.
We have guests,
and that requires
a bare minimum of courtesy.
Hand me that 1-51 rum, would ya?
Lacheim.
Howdy.
Um, Veronica would
like another apple.
Well, let's just get her one.
Okay!
I am so sorry about this
whole stupid thing, Neil.
Oh, hey, no problem.
Oh, you're so sweet.
Ah, think nothing of it.
Actually, uh,
Veronica's really...
Really interesting. She's...
You know, this fake
marriage stuff's kind of fun.
No! It's not!
Stacey.
Don't yell at the guests.
Amanda, it's me. Help me.
Thanks for the help.
What could I do?
I'm not taking him home with me.
Fun party, though.
Ain't it?
Ah, it just came together
at the last minute.
That was great.
So, anyone wanna play
that fun new
boardgame, Perqwacky?
Oh, I love that game.
Uh, actually, I think Veronica
and I are gonna take off.
What?
Well, you know,
we're kinda beat,
and got a big day tomorrow.
He's a winner.
I guess we should be going too.
Yeah, you wanna share a cab?
Which way you going?
Downtown.
Downtown it is.
You guys play bridge?
Stop speaking.
Hey, the truck's gone.
See, you talk rough,
and people respond.
Well, be that as it may, sailor,
you're not takin' that
tugboat outta the harbor.
And it looks like somebody
forgot she was the
designated driver.
Mom. Dad.
Why don't you
sleep here tonight.
Hey, why not?
Happy?
Yeah.
You know, when I married you,
I never thought
we'd end up like this.
Wanna tell ghost stories?
I'm living one.
Look, Stacey, I'm sorry about
this thing with your parents.
I promise I'll really try
to stay away from them...
right after brunch tomorrow.
Ah, forget it.
This marriage thing,
it's a monster with
a life of its own,
and there's not a damn
thing I can do about it.
See? I knew you'd come around.
Goodnight, Ned.
Ah, sweet dreams.
I don't think so. Not a chance.
Good night... Whoa!
Good night.
serious music happening here.
Well, you know, I like to
dabble in the classics, Rico.
♪ Do that to me one more time ♪
♪ Once is never enough ♪
♪ For a man like you ♪
♪ Do it to me one more time
I can never get enough... ♪
Enough!
And enough it is.
Oh, I love that Toni Tenille.
Well, the Captain
caught a free ride,
didn't he, Rico?
Ha... Howard.
I told you, A-Aunt Stacey
doesn't like it when
you do that, Howard.
Howard.
Gimme that! Gimme...
No, it's mine! Hey!
Give it back! Hey, kids!
Now, I will turn
this car right around!
I don't know why
we're doing this tonight.
We just saw Mom and Dad
at Milton Binder's funeral.
Yeah, and what
a delight that was.
We're in a room with
an embalmed corpse,
and Mom tells me I look pale.
Yeah, old Morty went out
in style, didn't he, Rico?
'65 Lincoln hearse.
That lucky stiff.
Mm-hm.
And she is going to
comment on everything I eat.
I swear, she still
remembers that Lorna Doone
I had in 1981.
That lucky stiff.
I just got that!
That's good.
Oh, God, and she's
gonna start in on me
about having a baby
before it's too late.
Oh, God!
Why are we doing this?
What are you asking me for?
You're the one
who made the plans.
I did not.
Yes, you did.
Eric, what did my mother
say when you talked to her?
She said these two
were coming to dinner
and she expected us too.
Well, I'm sorry,
but I did not arrange
this little get together.
Well, I didn't.
Well, I know I didn't.
♪ Ninety-nine bottles
of beer on the wall ♪
Rump... Rump roast.
Uh, brisket. Meat.
- Meat, meat!
- Yeah, meat.
Meat what? Meet in a building...
"Meet Me In St. Louis!"
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Oh, yes.
Okay, okay.
Come on, you guys.
We're not out of this yet.
We quit.
Well, now we're out of it.
Ah, gee, this is terrific, to
see so much of you kids.
First Milty Binder's
funeral and now this?
Gee, what a great week.
Not to mention the
extra bonus you got.
Neddie took you to a Mets game.
You took my father
to a Mets game?
Well, yeah.
It was Father-Son Day.
A fancy corporate box, no less,
right in the middle
of all the big shots.
Neddie, have you
tried my rugulah yet?
No. What is it?
You've never had rugulah?
Do you believe that?
He's never had rugulah.
I'll alert the media.
Oh, this is like a little piece
of deep-fried love.
You're having
another one, darling?
Guess not.
Hey!
The Braves are in town Sunday.
Eric? Ned? Howie?
What do ya say?
My treat. I'm there.
Hey, Howie, what do ya say?
Well, he's up for it.
Girls, while the boys
are doing their thing,
why don't we go
shopping at Loehmann's?
I got a friend in from out
of town. I'm really busy...
You're always so busy, you two.
So, Stacey, darling,
do you think you'll take
some time off from work soon?
You know, maybe...
make a little cousin for Howie.
I'm free now.
Let's get the goats
off the bed, darlin'.
At the moment, Ned and I
aren't even thinking
about having a baby.
Tick-tock, tick-tock.
Oh, for crying out loud, Ellen.
Stop with the ticking
and tocking, will ya?
Excuse me, I'm
feeling a little nauseous.
Morning sickness, maybe.
Oh, God, I need air.
Mom has sucked all the
oxygen out of that room.
God, my head is gonna explode.
All this stuff about
babies and babies and...
I'm not gonna have
any babies, am I?
Oh, calm down, okay?
You'll have a baby.
You just gotta serve out
your two years with Ned.
Meet some new guys.
Then date for a while.
Pick the right one.
How old are you?
Oh, God!
God, what is wrong with him?
Why did he drag us here?
I have no idea!
I mean, I got married mainly
to get out of this house,
and here I am again,
tormented by Big Ben.
Where the hell does
she hide the Bugles?
♪ If I were a rich man ♪
♪ Ya-la-la-la-la-fa-fa-fa-foo ♪
♪ All day long I'd
pitty-pitty-boom ♪
♪ If I were a wealthy man ♪
♪ I wouldn't have
To work hard... ♪
Check the house for pods.
♪ If I were a rich man
Yaba, yaba, yaba, yaba ♪
♪ Yaba-daba-doo ♪
♪ If I were a... ♪
Ned?
Yes, daughter of Saul.
You seem to be really
enjoying my parents' company.
Oh, yeah. Your parents
are great, Stacey.
You know, your
father's so much fun,
and he's so full
of life. And your...
Hey, your mother
is just... so...
Suffocating?
Well, you know,
too much attention
is better than none at all.
You know, when I was, like, ten,
I ran away from home for a week.
When I got back, my mother said,
"You're late for dinner.
Start cooking."
Really?
Yeah, it was no biggie.
Look, Ned, I gotta tell you,
I don't think it's
such a good idea
that you spend this much
time with my parents.
Why?
I mean, it's just not right.
I mean, we're
not really married,
so they're not
really your in-laws.
Yeah, but they don't know that.
But you do.
Well, I can overlook it.
No. No, no, no.
You can't overlook it.
They're falling
in love with you.
Really?
Did they say something?
Ned, you just gotta cool it.
It'll make life a lot
easier for all of us, okay?
Okay?
Okay.
Pass me a piece of
rugulah, would ya?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey.
I thought you were... I
thought you were gonna be out
at an appointment.
Oh, it got cancelled.
Where have you been?
Oh, I was, uh... over...
You know, over, uh...
Racquetball.
Isn't that your racquetball
stuff right there?
Ka-ho! Yes, it is!
I forgot that, and
at the club, I...
I, you know... I rented
some other stuff.
Boy, what a racket that is.
Get it?
Ned.
Huh?
What's going on?
Oh, nothing.
Let me see that.
No. It's mine! Ned.
Let me see that bag, please.
Oh, Loehmann's.
Now, who might you have
gone to Loehmann's with?
Perhaps...
my mother?
Yeah, yeah.
Actually, your mother
and Estelle Tischler.
Estelle Tischler?
You just don't like
anyone, do ya?
Look, what can I tell ya?
Your mother called,
said she needed a lift.
Estelle was on her way over.
We shopped. We lunched.
We shopped. Went to
the cemetery. Came home.
I guess it's time
for another talk
about inappropriate behavior.
Already?
Okay, I think I understand
what's going on here.
Obviously, my parents
fill some sort of deep void
that is left over
from your childhood.
I wish they did the same for me,
but that's another matter.
Look, Stacey, ya know,
I... I'm really enjoying this.
I mean, I like being
treated like a son.
You know, your father,
he and I tell stupid jokes.
We talk baseball.
Your mother tells
me to sit up straight,
pinches me, feeds me...
That stuff rules.
"Rules" as it may, let me
remind you that our marital bliss
is scheduled to end in one
year, ten months, and two days.
Actually, three days.
Next year's a leap year.
Look, Ned, don't you
see what this is about?
If you let my parents get
so attached to you now,
they're gonna be very,
very hurt and confused
when we split up.
No, that's not necessarily true.
A lot of divorced spouses
will still continue
a relationship
with their in-laws.
Ya know, Sally Jessy
did a whole thing on that.
Sally Jessy aside, when
I bring my new husband
to my parents' house
for Thanksgiving,
you will not be invited.
I don't think that's
your decision.
Okay, okay, okay.
That is it.
That is it!
No more Mrs. Nice Guy.
You have your rules
for this little arrangement.
Now here's mine.
You are forbidden, forbidden,
to see my parents unless
I say it is necessary,
and I can promise you, buster,
that that's not gonna
happen very often.
That is so unfair!
Yeah, he teaches
down at NYU. Uh-huh.
I met him at a cannoli
place down there.
No, he's not major cute,
but he's got this
sort of good-natured,
sensitive thing going.
Yeah.
Look, if you think my butt looks
big in these jeans, just say so.
I think we both know
I have bigger things on
my mind than your butt.
Yeah, yeah.
No, Amanda, I gotta go.
He's gonna be here any second.
Yeah, I'll call you
tomorrow. Bye.
Okay, Neil and I are gonna
be back here around 10:30.
You gonna be gone by then?
Yes.
I have a life, too, thank you.
You are not cute when you pout.
Hello. Hi.
Hope I'm not late, or early.
No, no, no. You're fine.
Come on in.
Neil, this is Ned. Ned, Neil.
I'll be back in a second, okay?
Yeah, take your time.
So you're the fake husband
I heard so much about, huh?
Yeah, well, it's a day job.
Ah, marriage, day
job of the nineties.
Hey, you could use that
in one of your ad
campaigns, huh?
Yeah, that's funny stuff.
Funny, sensitive,
good-natured stuff.
Ah.
Ready?
Ah, yeah.
Yeah, let's go.
Ah, I got it.
You crazy kids, you
go and have fun, huh?
Hello?
Oh, uh...
Hi, how are ya?
Huh?
Uh, pretty... Pretty good.
Uh, no, that doesn't
sound like a problem.
Rugulah?
Who is that?
Huh?
Oh, it's, uh, it's my
racquetball partner,
Bill Rugulah.
So, Ruggie... Give me that.
Hello?
Hello, Dad.
Really?
No, Ned didn't tell me
that he got you tickets
for Damn Yankees tonight.
Yes.
Yes, that'll be fine.
I love you.
They're stopping by to see
us on the way to the theater.
I have to watch you
every minute, don't I?
Hey, I got him those
tickets a month ago,
before you imposed your
no-see-Dad-and-Mom rule.
Don't get all smirky with me.
All right, look, I'm gonna
be the mature one here.
If you feel this
strongly about it,
I will call them right
now, and I will cancel.
Ha-ha.
Come on!
Uh, Stacey, you know, we
can do this on another night.
No! No, no, no, no, no.
No, Neil, tonight is fine.
I mean, we won't have time to go
for that walk in the park,
but my parents will be gone
in time for us to still
catch the movie. Okay?
Okay. I'll see you
there about 8?
Yeah. Okay.
Bye, Ned.
Call me, Neil.
♪ If I was a rich man ♪
So he said the skirt
steak was on sale.
I said the porterhouse.
I told him, "Look at
the sign in the window."
He said, "That's the
sign from last week."
I said, "Yes, but
I'm here this week."
Long story short,
guess who walks away
with a porterhouse
for the skirt steak price?
That's a hell of
parking spot, huh?
Oh, you can't give up
a parking spot like that, Saul.
40 years I'm parking,
I never got a spot like that.
Well, you know what?
To keep your parking spot,
to hell with it, the
two of ya move in.
That's funny.
Hey, he's a funny guy, Stace.
Oh, yes.
Ours is a laughy, laughy home.
Hey, Ellen, you know
with a spot like that,
we ought to just
leave the car here
and take a cab to the theater.
Oh, speaking of which,
it's 7:32. Don't you have to go?
No, we got plenty of time.
Plenty of time!
Let's go, Saul.
I like to get there early,
see who's in the
audience, settle in.
You know, the last time,
Phil Donahue was
right in front of us.
I think he had his eyes done.
Well, he's not a kid anymore.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Have a good time at the theater.
Well, thank you again, Neddie,
for the wonderful tickets.
Yeah, call me tomorrow, Ned.
Okay.
Tomorrow's no good for me, Saul.
Well, whatever.
We'll talk, okay?
All right. Uh...
We had some good times, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Very, very good times.
Goodbye, darling.
Bye. Bye. Come on, Saul.
Bye-bye. Have a good time.
Okay.
Soon as they clear the building,
I'm outta here.
I assume you plan to skulk
around the theater district
until Damn Yankees gets out.
No, I won't be skulking.
I've got a date tonight.
Oh, surprise, surprise!
It's a wonder you can think
of anyone but my parents.
You seem distant.
Huh?
No, no, no, no, that was great.
So!
What do you wanna
do on our date tonight?
I don't know.
What do you wanna do?
Ever seen Damn Yankees?
Oh, oh!
Oh, it's late.
That's probably my
wife and her boyfriend.
Should I hide?
Oh, no, don't be silly.
I'll be right back.
Hey, hey!
What're you doing back here?
Come on in.
How was the show?
Well, Jerry Lewis was a delight,
but, darling, we have
far bigger problems.
Yeah, we came
back to get the car.
It's blocked in by a big truck.
Not a driver in sight.
Can I use your phone, son?
Hey, don't even ask.
Here.
Saul, I copied the
name off the truck.
Gambino Linen Supply Company.
Wait, I'll give 'em
a piece of my mind.
You wait and see.
Where's Stacey?
Oh, she went out to the store.
She'll be back in a minute.
Um, I'm gonna go get dressed.
Take your time, Neddie.
Make sure you ask for the boss.
Yeah, yeah.
Is it your wife?
No, her parents.
Oh, those people you
were telling me about.
Can I meet them?
Uh, it's probably not
a good time right now.
Listen, can we just finish
our date on another night?
Yeah.
Can I take the apple?
Yeah.
Is he on yet?
No.
What do they think,
they're above the law?
Ellen, how do I know?
I haven't talked to anybody yet.
The nerve of those guys.
Yay, teamwork!
Look, Stacey's home,
and she brought our
good friends, the Lippmans!
You're such an
interesting couple.
Tell me, how did you two meet?
Oh, uh, well, I was teaching
my biomedical engineering
course at NYU, and... uh...
And I was a bartender
at The Half Moon Saloon.
Yeah, and... And on a
whim I went out for a beer.
And on a whim, I enrolled
in a biomedical
engineering course.
And the rest is history.
How nice.
Saul, the Gambinos
still have you on hold?
I don't mind. They're playing
nothing but Sinatra.
Dad, Ned can drive
you home if you want.
Or you could take
a cab. We'll pay.
Ah, no, no, no.
I'm not leaving a nice
Buick Regal in this jungle.
What are you doing?
Hey.
We have guests,
and that requires
a bare minimum of courtesy.
Hand me that 1-51 rum, would ya?
Lacheim.
Howdy.
Um, Veronica would
like another apple.
Well, let's just get her one.
Okay!
I am so sorry about this
whole stupid thing, Neil.
Oh, hey, no problem.
Oh, you're so sweet.
Ah, think nothing of it.
Actually, uh,
Veronica's really...
Really interesting. She's...
You know, this fake
marriage stuff's kind of fun.
No! It's not!
Stacey.
Don't yell at the guests.
Amanda, it's me. Help me.
Thanks for the help.
What could I do?
I'm not taking him home with me.
Fun party, though.
Ain't it?
Ah, it just came together
at the last minute.
That was great.
So, anyone wanna play
that fun new
boardgame, Perqwacky?
Oh, I love that game.
Uh, actually, I think Veronica
and I are gonna take off.
What?
Well, you know,
we're kinda beat,
and got a big day tomorrow.
He's a winner.
I guess we should be going too.
Yeah, you wanna share a cab?
Which way you going?
Downtown.
Downtown it is.
You guys play bridge?
Stop speaking.
Hey, the truck's gone.
See, you talk rough,
and people respond.
Well, be that as it may, sailor,
you're not takin' that
tugboat outta the harbor.
And it looks like somebody
forgot she was the
designated driver.
Mom. Dad.
Why don't you
sleep here tonight.
Hey, why not?
Happy?
Yeah.
You know, when I married you,
I never thought
we'd end up like this.
Wanna tell ghost stories?
I'm living one.
Look, Stacey, I'm sorry about
this thing with your parents.
I promise I'll really try
to stay away from them...
right after brunch tomorrow.
Ah, forget it.
This marriage thing,
it's a monster with
a life of its own,
and there's not a damn
thing I can do about it.
See? I knew you'd come around.
Goodnight, Ned.
Ah, sweet dreams.
I don't think so. Not a chance.
Good night... Whoa!
Good night.